A recent study shows that parents are somewhat more likely to get divorced -- if their first child is a girl! So says an article written by veteran newspaper editor and reporter Don Moore, recently retired from the Port Charlotte, FL Sun-Herald. He talks about a report produced by Dr. Enrico Moretti, an economics professor at the University of California, Berkeley and Dr. Gordon Dahl, professor of economics at the University of California, San Diego.
Their report, "The Demand for Sons," appeared in a recent edition of "The Review of Economic Studies." Your divorce rate increases approximately four percent if you have a daughter as a first child instead of a son," Moretti says.
"We did compare families who had two daughters with families that had two sons. What we discovered was that a couple with two daughters is more likely to have a third child trying to have a son," Moretti explained.
The professor said he didn't believe there is any difference between races, but it's hard to compare divorce rates across races.
He also added that, "Women whose first child is a boy are four percent more likely to remain married than those whose first child is a girl. In general, the better the woman's education, the later the fertility, the lower the divorce rate."
The 50-page study on gender and divorce also found that a first-born daughter is significantly less likely to be living with their father compared to a first-born son.
The three reasons for this conclusion include:
1. Women who have daughters first are less likely to be married.
2. Parents with first born daughters are more likely to be divorced.
3. Fathers are more likely to obtain custody of a son than a daughter.
"The effect is quantitatively substantial, accounting for a 3.1 percent lower probability of a resident father for families with a first-born girl. We estimate that in any given year (in the U.S.) roughly 52,000 first-born daughters under the age of 12 would have had a resident father if they had been boys," the report says.
The article says there are other statistical differences caused by families with first-born daughters. These families have lower incomes and higher poverty rates. "For children in families with an absentee father due to the first-born daughter effect, family income is reduced by 50 percent and the chances of poverty are increased by 34 percent. Notably, children whose first-born sibling is a girl have lower educational achievement," the study indicates.
Professor Alan Booth, a professor of sociology, human development and demography at Pennsylvania State University, generally agreed with most of Moretti's and Dahl's findings. "I know this to be true. Families that have a boy as a first child are more likely to stay together than if their first child is a female," Professor Booth said. "Gender bias in the U.S. favors boys."
According to Dr. Booth, one of the reasons married couples prefer boys in the U.S. is that when they grow up they are more likely to make more money than girls. Another factor affecting economics is that couples whose first two children are girls are more likely to have a third child than if they have two boys.
This may come as a surprise to many of us who thought that gender bias on this level was unlikely in America. Dr. Booth does go on to say, "More recently the gender preference in the U.S. is beginning to be more positive for girls. This is because there are more women in the labor force today, women are more independent today than they once were, and women's attitudes are less traditional and there are also other factors involved."
I don't know if any of these statistics are relevant to the divorces of any of my readers. But I thought I'd share this as a point for conversation and introspection. Would your marital circumstances be any different today had your children been of a different gender? Would your relationship have been different? What about your financial circumstances? Something to contemplate.
As always, I welcome your feedback.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca,CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! which can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Her free articles and ezine are available at www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Copyright Rosalind Sedacca 2009
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Overcoming Guilt about the Divorce
Overcoming Guilt about the Divorce
Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT
Sometimes, an obstacle to listening to one's child is the fear that we will hear something that will produce sadness, anger or guilt in us. It may also be difficult to listen to negative comments or complaints because of feeling the need to be the "perfect parent" and not wanting to hear that we are causing anymore discomfort to our child. There can also be times when your child will see everything that you do as wrong and everything that the other parent does as right. This can easily lead a parent to feeling overly sensitive and defensive.
These emotional situations become obstacles only if you overreact due to taking your child's comments too personally, assume that you cannot handle the situation, assume that you are a "bad" parent or that you cannot make mistakes. Having faith in your abilities as a parent, allowing yourself to make mistakes, being less critical of yourself and taking time to think things through will change obstacles into manageable challenges.
To meet these challenges, keep the following in mind:
[] You're not perfect, and that's OK.
[] You will make mistakes even when doing your best.
[] Divorce is like a death and sometimes the only thing that you can
do is to just be there for your child and understand. That's all.
[] Your child's negative comments may simply be an expression of
distress and not criticism.
[] Your child's blaming of you may be a defense against feeling
overwhelmed and not meant against you personally -- it is
merely a young child's way of coping.
[] Change never happens as quickly as any of us want. Acceptance
and patience will do much to help you through this time.
[] Listen to your child, even when what you hear is hard to accept.
Problems can only be dealt with if allowed to be out in the open.
It is that which is hidden that causes most of the trouble.
[] Distress is less traumatic when met with love
[] One incident will rarely cause trauma. It is the overall feeling,
relationship and track record you have with your child that makes
the difference.
[] Keep things in perspective and you will not be overwhelmed. You
can handle most any one situation simply because it is just that -
one situation. There are few things that you will face that cannot be
fixed, handled and lived with. (After all, look at what you've managed
to handle so far!).
[] Tomorrow is another day.
By keeping these ideas in the back of your mind, you will be able to temporarily put aside your own feelings at the proper time and stay focused upon the feelings of your child. This will not only benefit your child, but will contribute to your own self-esteem and coping skills. This kind of self-discipline will keep you focused and feeling in control of your life.
Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT
Sometimes, an obstacle to listening to one's child is the fear that we will hear something that will produce sadness, anger or guilt in us. It may also be difficult to listen to negative comments or complaints because of feeling the need to be the "perfect parent" and not wanting to hear that we are causing anymore discomfort to our child. There can also be times when your child will see everything that you do as wrong and everything that the other parent does as right. This can easily lead a parent to feeling overly sensitive and defensive.
These emotional situations become obstacles only if you overreact due to taking your child's comments too personally, assume that you cannot handle the situation, assume that you are a "bad" parent or that you cannot make mistakes. Having faith in your abilities as a parent, allowing yourself to make mistakes, being less critical of yourself and taking time to think things through will change obstacles into manageable challenges.
To meet these challenges, keep the following in mind:
[] You're not perfect, and that's OK.
[] You will make mistakes even when doing your best.
[] Divorce is like a death and sometimes the only thing that you can
do is to just be there for your child and understand. That's all.
[] Your child's negative comments may simply be an expression of
distress and not criticism.
[] Your child's blaming of you may be a defense against feeling
overwhelmed and not meant against you personally -- it is
merely a young child's way of coping.
[] Change never happens as quickly as any of us want. Acceptance
and patience will do much to help you through this time.
[] Listen to your child, even when what you hear is hard to accept.
Problems can only be dealt with if allowed to be out in the open.
It is that which is hidden that causes most of the trouble.
[] Distress is less traumatic when met with love
[] One incident will rarely cause trauma. It is the overall feeling,
relationship and track record you have with your child that makes
the difference.
[] Keep things in perspective and you will not be overwhelmed. You
can handle most any one situation simply because it is just that -
one situation. There are few things that you will face that cannot be
fixed, handled and lived with. (After all, look at what you've managed
to handle so far!).
[] Tomorrow is another day.
By keeping these ideas in the back of your mind, you will be able to temporarily put aside your own feelings at the proper time and stay focused upon the feelings of your child. This will not only benefit your child, but will contribute to your own self-esteem and coping skills. This kind of self-discipline will keep you focused and feeling in control of your life.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Top 10 Ways To Be A Great Dad - Teach, Train and Nourish With Love
Nothing touches the heart more deeply than hearing, "I love you Daddy." I have heard that the gift
of happiness belongs to those who unwrap it. Your children are that gift. Be an active,
participating dad. The years fly by too quickly to do otherwise.
1. Cease "put downs" directed toward the child/children and other people living in the
home.
2. Never compare one sibling to another
3. Give as many hugs as possible, especially at the beginning and end of each day.
4. When disciplining, be calm, clear, firm, fast and fair.
5. Listen to the meaning behind the words your children say. What do they feel?
6. Teach that every behavior has consequences, both good and bad.
7. Encourage strength, positivity, helpfulness, humor and compassion by role modeling.
8. Encourage open communication, humor and actively listen.
9. Make time to say, "I love you."
10. Be there to share quality time with your child/children.
LEN BRASS IS THE AUTHOR OF CHILDREN FIRST: A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR PARENTING THROUGH THE
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL YEARS. LEN IS A SAN JUAN CAPISTRANO, CALIFORNIA RESIDENT, A 26-YEAR SCHOOL
EDUCATOR AS WELL AS A LECTURER, BUSINESS MEDIATOR, AND FATHER OF FIVE.
www.ChildSharing.com: 39.99 Online Co-Parenting Classes
of happiness belongs to those who unwrap it. Your children are that gift. Be an active,
participating dad. The years fly by too quickly to do otherwise.
1. Cease "put downs" directed toward the child/children and other people living in the
home.
2. Never compare one sibling to another
3. Give as many hugs as possible, especially at the beginning and end of each day.
4. When disciplining, be calm, clear, firm, fast and fair.
5. Listen to the meaning behind the words your children say. What do they feel?
6. Teach that every behavior has consequences, both good and bad.
7. Encourage strength, positivity, helpfulness, humor and compassion by role modeling.
8. Encourage open communication, humor and actively listen.
9. Make time to say, "I love you."
10. Be there to share quality time with your child/children.
LEN BRASS IS THE AUTHOR OF CHILDREN FIRST: A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR PARENTING THROUGH THE
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL YEARS. LEN IS A SAN JUAN CAPISTRANO, CALIFORNIA RESIDENT, A 26-YEAR SCHOOL
EDUCATOR AS WELL AS A LECTURER, BUSINESS MEDIATOR, AND FATHER OF FIVE.
www.ChildSharing.com: 39.99 Online Co-Parenting Classes
Sunday, May 17, 2009
High School Students Pitch to Strengthen Marriages and Families
High School Students Pitch to Strengthen Marriages and Families Takes Top Award at 2009 DECA International Competition
The top award at the 2009 annual DECA conference in Anaheim went to an internet business plan for strengthening marriages and families. Nearly 15,000 teenagers representing 185,000 of their peers in over 4,500 chapters across the US, Canada, Germany, Mexico, Guam and Puerto Rico gathered several blocks from Disney Land recently to pitch the next big idea in a fiercely competitive contest for the best internet marketing plan. A three-member team from Cypress Bay High School in Weston, Florida brought home their school's first top international award with a pitch to harness the power of the Internet to teach relationship skills that strengthen marriages and families.
Anaheim, CA (PRWEB) May 15, 2009 -- The top award at this year's annual DECA meeting in Anaheim went to an internet business plan for strengthening marriages and families. Nearly 15,000 teenagers representing over 185,000 of their peers in 5,000 chapters across the US, Canada, Germany, Mexico and Puerto Rico gathered just blocks from Disney Land recently to pitch the next big idea in a fiercely competitive contest for the best internet marketing plan. A three-member team from Cypress Bay High School in Weston, Florida brought home their school's first top international award with a pitch to harness the power of the Internet to teach relationship skills that strengthen marriages and families.
Cypress Bay seniors Stephanie Castano, Ale Azor and junior Michael Eisenberg spent nearly eight months developing their plan to bring relationship skills training classes to the Internet.
"We wanted to create a business plan that would make a difference for people all over the world," Michael Eisenberg, 17, said. "Our research showed that when people learn relationship skills, they have happier, more successful lives. They do better in school, with their friends, at home, and one day with their own families. Our plan is to bring these skills to millions of people through the power of the Internet," Eisenberg said. His hope, he added, is that "stronger, healthier, more loving relationships would lead to fewer divorces and reduce many of the things that are more likely when families break-up, like drug and alcohol addictions, teen pregnancies, dropping out of school, homelessness, and poverty."
Stephanie Castano, 18, said she was sold on a plan for relationship skills classes after attending a PAIRS (PAIRS Online) marriage education program at a local YMCA in Fort Lauderdale. "I saw couples who came to class looking so unhappy and distant. By the end of the class, they were in love again," she said. "I've seen the impact on so many of my friends and peers of their families breaking up," she said. "I realized from the class that many of these marriages that are ending in divorce could be saved through relationship skills training. We thought that if we could bring this concept to the Internet, it would make it possible for everyone, everywhere to benefit."
"When marriages and families are strong," Castano said, "everything goes better."
"It's so hard for students to concentrate at school and do well academically when there's instability, unhappiness, and turmoil at home," she added. "I can't think of many better ways of helping my peers become more successful and happy then helping their parents get it together," she said. "The skills also help kids talk to their parents and have better relationships with their siblings, friends, teachers and others," Castano said. "It's great for any human relationship."
Two of the three team members are themselves children of divorce. One commented that if their parents could have attended a relationship skills class like PAIRS before they broke up, their lives might have been different.
"Helping people learn to communicate, fight fair, express their emotions, and deal with their problems takes skill," Ale Azor, 18, said. "I saw firsthand in the PAIRS classes that these skills are easy to learn if two people are open to learning and want their relationship to succeed," she said. "The idea of bringing this to the Internet," Azor added, "is because some people may be shy about attending a class about relationships, others are so busy they can't get to a class, and many people live in places where classes aren't offered. The Internet makes it possible for anyone to participate."
Azor said she was surprised to learn how inexpensive it is for couples to learn relationship skills. "It's really something anyone can afford, especially over the Internet," Azor said. "And when you compare it to the cost of breaking up, especially the impact on kids, the cost is inconsequential," she added.
Michael Eisenberg said his team spent eight months researching and developing their plan. "We attended PAIRS classes and also went to see some of the competitors," he said. "Then we interviewed participants from the classes and others who did not attend. We realized that with the right marketing plan and the power of the Internet, our idea could really change the world," he said. "We want relationship skills classes to be as normal as drivers education," he added. "Just like you have to learn to drive a car or learn skills to be successful in sports or your career, successful, lasting relationships take learning specific skills too. We want everyone to have these skills."
The trio's business plan got the attention of executives at the PAIRS Foundation early on. Diana Ossa, PAIRS Foundation's National Project Coordinator, said the company has already begun implementing the award winning plan. "From the beginning, we saw these teenagers brought powerful, fresh ideas to the table in a plan that was creative, affordable, and well conceived," Ossa said.
"We began testing their ideas several months ago and have already begun delivering PAIRS classes over the Internet based on their plan," she said. "We've had people from across the United States, Europe, South America, Asia, and as far away as the Middle East participate in online classes in recent months based on the plan these youngsters brought to us," she said.
"The students helped so many people realize that the foundation of everything is relationships," Ossa said. "Reading, writing and arithmetic won't get anyone very far anymore without a foundation of healthy relationships. I hope their plan will help us bring relationship education to many who wouldn't have otherwise benefited," she said. "All around the world," she added, "people's hearts are in the same place. This plan will help us touch many hearts and help many children and their parents have better lives." she said. "We're so proud and happy they won!"
DECA is the Delta Epsilon Chi international association of high school and college students studying marketing, management and entrepreneurship in business, finance, hospitality and marketing sales and service. DECA chapters operate in over 4,500 high schools and 200 colleges across the U.S., Puerto Rico, Guam, Canada, and Germany. Delta Epsilon Chi/DECA
PAIRS Foundation is a 501(c)(3) non-profit established by Drs. Lori and Morris Gordon in 1983 to develop and deliver relationship skills training programs. The organization has over 2,000 facilitators worldwide and serves tens of thousands of teenagers and adults in all stages of relationship. PAIRS Foundation.
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The top award at the 2009 annual DECA conference in Anaheim went to an internet business plan for strengthening marriages and families. Nearly 15,000 teenagers representing 185,000 of their peers in over 4,500 chapters across the US, Canada, Germany, Mexico, Guam and Puerto Rico gathered several blocks from Disney Land recently to pitch the next big idea in a fiercely competitive contest for the best internet marketing plan. A three-member team from Cypress Bay High School in Weston, Florida brought home their school's first top international award with a pitch to harness the power of the Internet to teach relationship skills that strengthen marriages and families.
Anaheim, CA (PRWEB) May 15, 2009 -- The top award at this year's annual DECA meeting in Anaheim went to an internet business plan for strengthening marriages and families. Nearly 15,000 teenagers representing over 185,000 of their peers in 5,000 chapters across the US, Canada, Germany, Mexico and Puerto Rico gathered just blocks from Disney Land recently to pitch the next big idea in a fiercely competitive contest for the best internet marketing plan. A three-member team from Cypress Bay High School in Weston, Florida brought home their school's first top international award with a pitch to harness the power of the Internet to teach relationship skills that strengthen marriages and families.
Cypress Bay seniors Stephanie Castano, Ale Azor and junior Michael Eisenberg spent nearly eight months developing their plan to bring relationship skills training classes to the Internet.
"We wanted to create a business plan that would make a difference for people all over the world," Michael Eisenberg, 17, said. "Our research showed that when people learn relationship skills, they have happier, more successful lives. They do better in school, with their friends, at home, and one day with their own families. Our plan is to bring these skills to millions of people through the power of the Internet," Eisenberg said. His hope, he added, is that "stronger, healthier, more loving relationships would lead to fewer divorces and reduce many of the things that are more likely when families break-up, like drug and alcohol addictions, teen pregnancies, dropping out of school, homelessness, and poverty."
Stephanie Castano, 18, said she was sold on a plan for relationship skills classes after attending a PAIRS (PAIRS Online) marriage education program at a local YMCA in Fort Lauderdale. "I saw couples who came to class looking so unhappy and distant. By the end of the class, they were in love again," she said. "I've seen the impact on so many of my friends and peers of their families breaking up," she said. "I realized from the class that many of these marriages that are ending in divorce could be saved through relationship skills training. We thought that if we could bring this concept to the Internet, it would make it possible for everyone, everywhere to benefit."
"When marriages and families are strong," Castano said, "everything goes better."
"It's so hard for students to concentrate at school and do well academically when there's instability, unhappiness, and turmoil at home," she added. "I can't think of many better ways of helping my peers become more successful and happy then helping their parents get it together," she said. "The skills also help kids talk to their parents and have better relationships with their siblings, friends, teachers and others," Castano said. "It's great for any human relationship."
Two of the three team members are themselves children of divorce. One commented that if their parents could have attended a relationship skills class like PAIRS before they broke up, their lives might have been different.
"Helping people learn to communicate, fight fair, express their emotions, and deal with their problems takes skill," Ale Azor, 18, said. "I saw firsthand in the PAIRS classes that these skills are easy to learn if two people are open to learning and want their relationship to succeed," she said. "The idea of bringing this to the Internet," Azor added, "is because some people may be shy about attending a class about relationships, others are so busy they can't get to a class, and many people live in places where classes aren't offered. The Internet makes it possible for anyone to participate."
Azor said she was surprised to learn how inexpensive it is for couples to learn relationship skills. "It's really something anyone can afford, especially over the Internet," Azor said. "And when you compare it to the cost of breaking up, especially the impact on kids, the cost is inconsequential," she added.
Michael Eisenberg said his team spent eight months researching and developing their plan. "We attended PAIRS classes and also went to see some of the competitors," he said. "Then we interviewed participants from the classes and others who did not attend. We realized that with the right marketing plan and the power of the Internet, our idea could really change the world," he said. "We want relationship skills classes to be as normal as drivers education," he added. "Just like you have to learn to drive a car or learn skills to be successful in sports or your career, successful, lasting relationships take learning specific skills too. We want everyone to have these skills."
The trio's business plan got the attention of executives at the PAIRS Foundation early on. Diana Ossa, PAIRS Foundation's National Project Coordinator, said the company has already begun implementing the award winning plan. "From the beginning, we saw these teenagers brought powerful, fresh ideas to the table in a plan that was creative, affordable, and well conceived," Ossa said.
"We began testing their ideas several months ago and have already begun delivering PAIRS classes over the Internet based on their plan," she said. "We've had people from across the United States, Europe, South America, Asia, and as far away as the Middle East participate in online classes in recent months based on the plan these youngsters brought to us," she said.
"The students helped so many people realize that the foundation of everything is relationships," Ossa said. "Reading, writing and arithmetic won't get anyone very far anymore without a foundation of healthy relationships. I hope their plan will help us bring relationship education to many who wouldn't have otherwise benefited," she said. "All around the world," she added, "people's hearts are in the same place. This plan will help us touch many hearts and help many children and their parents have better lives." she said. "We're so proud and happy they won!"
DECA is the Delta Epsilon Chi international association of high school and college students studying marketing, management and entrepreneurship in business, finance, hospitality and marketing sales and service. DECA chapters operate in over 4,500 high schools and 200 colleges across the U.S., Puerto Rico, Guam, Canada, and Germany. Delta Epsilon Chi/DECA
PAIRS Foundation is a 501(c)(3) non-profit established by Drs. Lori and Morris Gordon in 1983 to develop and deliver relationship skills training programs. The organization has over 2,000 facilitators worldwide and serves tens of thousands of teenagers and adults in all stages of relationship. PAIRS Foundation.
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Monday, April 27, 2009
Life After Divorce: Your New Reality
Life After Divorce: Your New Reality
What do you think of people who are detached from reality? People that are seemingly living in a world of their own making? It’s unnerving to say the least as well as truly sad. Yet for those of us attempting to recover from a divorce, our inability to fully accept our new reality is not too far removed from living in a fantasy world.
Non-acceptance of what our life is right here and now is the biggest obstacle to letting go and moving on after divorce. Initially I believe this is due to denial, which is part of the grieving phase that follows any major loss in life. Unfortunately, all too many of us stay in this state way beyond the end of this grieving phase. We continue to deny our present reality. We refuse to accept what our lives are now. We yearn for what was or what we think should or could be, all of which are fantasy. The only thing that exists for us is the here and now, the present.
I want to liken this to the process of aging. In the past couple of years, I have moved into my late 50’s. As a former member of the counter-culture, I have always seen and experienced myself as much younger than my chronological age. After all, in another life I was a rock and roll DJ! Note please how I refer to that stage as another life. Luckily I don’t look my age, that is from the neck up! The signs of my true age are now evident on this body.
I remember about twenty years ago being at my mother-in-laws and seeing a friend of hers who I now recognize as having been my present age. She was dressed in a revealing dress and as I noticed her sagging skin, I thought to myself how unattractive it looked. Guess what? I have that same skin now. I can wish that I had the skin of a thirty year old but that will never be. If I adopt that attitude of non-acceptance, looking in a mirror will fill me with regret and resentment. The other choice, and really the only viable choice, is to fully embrace this new phase of my life and revel in my new reality: a much wiser and experienced woman who is a beautiful fifty- something. If I choose the former, I lose out on all that life has to offer me now and remain stuck in a past that no longer exists! If I choose acceptance, I can take advantage of what my life has to offer me now and not lose out on any new opportunities or possibilities.
You are getting divorced or you are divorced. That is what is, that is your only reality. Whatever went before is gone and can never be retrieved. You really need to get this because until you are willing to be fully conscious of what your life is now and accept it for what it is, you are going to stay stuck in pain and regret. You are going to give up the pleasure of living life to it’s fullest. You are going to give up on all of life’s sweet moments. You are going to give up happiness, success and fulfillment. You are going to give up on life. Are you willing to pay that price?
What is it that holds us back from acceptance? My gut feeling, as well as my experience coaching other women to acceptance, is the culprit is fear. Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger. Our fears lie in the unknown. What has already happened does not provoke fear. It is the not knowing that frightens us. Uncertainty. What if I cannot take care of my children and myself? What if I am alone for the rest of my life? What if I am never happy again? What if I end up a bag lady? What if the sky falls?
What can we do about uncertainty? Sorry but there is not much we can do with not knowing what comes next. No one on this earth can predict the future. This is another aspect of reality that calls for our acceptance. Real courage and wisdom is the ability to be okay with not knowing. After all, what is the choice when you cannot possibly know what the future holds? The very nature of life is uncertainty.
How can be best live in an uncertain world? Well, we know that being in fear of not knowing is not the answer so how about the opposite? What is we were able to hold the belief that everything will work for us? What if we were to believe that everything happens for a reason? What if we were to believe that there are new and exciting opportunities and possibilities opening up for us now in this new phase of life? What if life will work out and we will be happy and fulfilled? What if this divorce is just what we needed to get back into life? What if?
Look, you get to choose: fear or a belief in a better future. One viewpoint will keep you stuck and one will serve you well. A simple shift in perspective or attitude can work miracles. Our attitudes not only change the way we think, they change our reality. Don’t believe me? Try it on yourself. It is the old power of positive thinking. I am not suggesting taking on a Pollyanna-ish persona but I am suggesting that you take a good hard look at your prevailing attitude on life. If it ain’t working, change it!
It is not only our fear of uncertainty that keeps us from acceptance but also our unrealistic expectations of life that get in our way. You may or may not be conscious of your expectations but they are there and they bite you in the behind all the time. If you feel that life isn’t fair, you have unrealistic expectations of life. If you feel that your ex should be a certain way, you have unrealistic expectations of life? If you think that life should not include difficult times, that’s right…big time, unrealistic and totally unenforceable expectations that set you up for disappointment, resentment and unhappiness. Get real and recognize life for what it really is. It is not all hearts and flowers. It is not always fair. It is what it is! Quit setting yourself up.
Examine and manage your unrealistic and unenforceable expectations. Know what you can and cannot control vis- a -vis these expectations as that is what makes them unenforceable. Learn to make uncertainty without fear a part of living. Learn to believe in your future instead of fearing it. Learn to accept life as it is instead of as you think it should be. Live in reality instead of fantasy. Honor yourself and commit to your life. Us this divorce as a catalyst for a better life. Go for it!
Shelley Stile is a Divorce Recovery Life Coach who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley works with clients on the telephone so you can be anywhere and be coached. She also holds Tele-
Seminars and publishes powerful e-books on life after divorce. She is a member of the International Coaches Federation, the governing body for Life Coaching. Shelley trained with the Coaches Training Institute and the Ford Institute for Integrative Coaching’s Spiritual Divorce Recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and receive her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com or contact Shelley at
shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com to schedule a free consultation and sample session of divorce coaching..
What do you think of people who are detached from reality? People that are seemingly living in a world of their own making? It’s unnerving to say the least as well as truly sad. Yet for those of us attempting to recover from a divorce, our inability to fully accept our new reality is not too far removed from living in a fantasy world.
Non-acceptance of what our life is right here and now is the biggest obstacle to letting go and moving on after divorce. Initially I believe this is due to denial, which is part of the grieving phase that follows any major loss in life. Unfortunately, all too many of us stay in this state way beyond the end of this grieving phase. We continue to deny our present reality. We refuse to accept what our lives are now. We yearn for what was or what we think should or could be, all of which are fantasy. The only thing that exists for us is the here and now, the present.
I want to liken this to the process of aging. In the past couple of years, I have moved into my late 50’s. As a former member of the counter-culture, I have always seen and experienced myself as much younger than my chronological age. After all, in another life I was a rock and roll DJ! Note please how I refer to that stage as another life. Luckily I don’t look my age, that is from the neck up! The signs of my true age are now evident on this body.
I remember about twenty years ago being at my mother-in-laws and seeing a friend of hers who I now recognize as having been my present age. She was dressed in a revealing dress and as I noticed her sagging skin, I thought to myself how unattractive it looked. Guess what? I have that same skin now. I can wish that I had the skin of a thirty year old but that will never be. If I adopt that attitude of non-acceptance, looking in a mirror will fill me with regret and resentment. The other choice, and really the only viable choice, is to fully embrace this new phase of my life and revel in my new reality: a much wiser and experienced woman who is a beautiful fifty- something. If I choose the former, I lose out on all that life has to offer me now and remain stuck in a past that no longer exists! If I choose acceptance, I can take advantage of what my life has to offer me now and not lose out on any new opportunities or possibilities.
You are getting divorced or you are divorced. That is what is, that is your only reality. Whatever went before is gone and can never be retrieved. You really need to get this because until you are willing to be fully conscious of what your life is now and accept it for what it is, you are going to stay stuck in pain and regret. You are going to give up the pleasure of living life to it’s fullest. You are going to give up on all of life’s sweet moments. You are going to give up happiness, success and fulfillment. You are going to give up on life. Are you willing to pay that price?
What is it that holds us back from acceptance? My gut feeling, as well as my experience coaching other women to acceptance, is the culprit is fear. Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger. Our fears lie in the unknown. What has already happened does not provoke fear. It is the not knowing that frightens us. Uncertainty. What if I cannot take care of my children and myself? What if I am alone for the rest of my life? What if I am never happy again? What if I end up a bag lady? What if the sky falls?
What can we do about uncertainty? Sorry but there is not much we can do with not knowing what comes next. No one on this earth can predict the future. This is another aspect of reality that calls for our acceptance. Real courage and wisdom is the ability to be okay with not knowing. After all, what is the choice when you cannot possibly know what the future holds? The very nature of life is uncertainty.
How can be best live in an uncertain world? Well, we know that being in fear of not knowing is not the answer so how about the opposite? What is we were able to hold the belief that everything will work for us? What if we were to believe that everything happens for a reason? What if we were to believe that there are new and exciting opportunities and possibilities opening up for us now in this new phase of life? What if life will work out and we will be happy and fulfilled? What if this divorce is just what we needed to get back into life? What if?
Look, you get to choose: fear or a belief in a better future. One viewpoint will keep you stuck and one will serve you well. A simple shift in perspective or attitude can work miracles. Our attitudes not only change the way we think, they change our reality. Don’t believe me? Try it on yourself. It is the old power of positive thinking. I am not suggesting taking on a Pollyanna-ish persona but I am suggesting that you take a good hard look at your prevailing attitude on life. If it ain’t working, change it!
It is not only our fear of uncertainty that keeps us from acceptance but also our unrealistic expectations of life that get in our way. You may or may not be conscious of your expectations but they are there and they bite you in the behind all the time. If you feel that life isn’t fair, you have unrealistic expectations of life. If you feel that your ex should be a certain way, you have unrealistic expectations of life? If you think that life should not include difficult times, that’s right…big time, unrealistic and totally unenforceable expectations that set you up for disappointment, resentment and unhappiness. Get real and recognize life for what it really is. It is not all hearts and flowers. It is not always fair. It is what it is! Quit setting yourself up.
Examine and manage your unrealistic and unenforceable expectations. Know what you can and cannot control vis- a -vis these expectations as that is what makes them unenforceable. Learn to make uncertainty without fear a part of living. Learn to believe in your future instead of fearing it. Learn to accept life as it is instead of as you think it should be. Live in reality instead of fantasy. Honor yourself and commit to your life. Us this divorce as a catalyst for a better life. Go for it!
Shelley Stile is a Divorce Recovery Life Coach who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley works with clients on the telephone so you can be anywhere and be coached. She also holds Tele-
Seminars and publishes powerful e-books on life after divorce. She is a member of the International Coaches Federation, the governing body for Life Coaching. Shelley trained with the Coaches Training Institute and the Ford Institute for Integrative Coaching’s Spiritual Divorce Recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and receive her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com or contact Shelley at
shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com to schedule a free consultation and sample session of divorce coaching..
Monday, April 13, 2009
Options for resolving disputes among divorcing parents
By Craig Silverman/DAILY NEWS CORRESPONDENT
GHS
Posted Apr 09, 2009 @ 04:34 PM
This past winter my wife and I took our daughter to swimming class at the local YMCA. While we were there we ran into a friend of our daughter's whose parents had recently divorced. Both parents attended the class. During these swim classes they seemed civil and sat within reasonable proximity to each other. I later learned, however, that appearances can be deceiving.
Unfortunately this peaceful co-existence at their child's activities was to come to an abrupt end. I learned soon after the end of the swim class session that the father had filed court papers seeking modification of their parenting arrangement, and the case quickly became contentious. While the facts of each divorce case may differ, the underlying issues are often the same: spending time with the children.
A very wise judge, who has since retired, once said, "Husbands and wives may come and go, but parents are forever."
Now that spring is here and, with it, baseball, soccer, dance recitals, graduations and other activities, resulting in many scenarios like the one described above, children of divorce often wind up caught in the middle, and they begin to ask who's coming to their activities.
Parents have to find ways to resolve their parenting issues, always being guided by what is in the best interest of the child.
As a divorce lawyer who represents both husbands and wives, I often see parents vying for more time with their children, and this competition creates conflict which can put children in the middle. So, what are some options to resolve these conflicts?
Parenting coordinators
Most divorcing parents sign a Separation Agreement (this is a technical term - it's really a divorce agreement) - a contract that outlines the terms of their divorce. It will often have a provision obligating the divorcing parents to take any disagreements about parenting that they cannot work out on their own to a parenting coordinator before going to court.
Parenting coordinators address such issues as pick-up and drop-off times, holidays and child care duties. Often the parents are so busy fighting each other that they fail to consider what's best for their children. Parenting coordinators are people who have expertise in family law and the psychological impact of divorce. They may be psychologists, social workers, attorneys, or professional mediators. In Massachusetts most judges do not believe that they have the authority to appoint a parent coordinator so their appointment must be agreed upon by the parties. Their services are paid for by the parents; often the cost is divided equally, but that varies case by case.
The parent coordinator mediates issues when the parents are unable to negotiate those issues successfully on their own. The parenting coordinator is often given the power to decide what the result should be if the parents remain deadlocked, even after mediation efforts. Family law attorneys and online resources can help in choosing the right parenting coordinator.
While a court has the ultimate final say (and can overrule the parenting coordinator's recommendations), a parenting coordinator can reduce the need to go to court and therefore reduce child-related conflict for divorced parents. Any method of dispute resolution that resolves child-related issues outside of Court is a benefit to those involved.
What happens if either there isn't a provision for a parenting coordinator or one party doesn't agree to use a parent coordinator? Does that mean that the parents have to run to court over each and every parenting issue?
Mediation
Mediation is a form of alternate dispute resolution (ADR) in which a neutral third party, the mediator, assists parties to negotiate an agreement. One advantage of mediation is confidentiality. Mediation also allows the parties to step away from the acrimony of the courtroom to resolve the dispute quickly and inexpensively. Mediation allows parties to speak for themselves, which fosters creative ideas, allows people to address emotional issues, and arrive at practical, long-term solutions that may not be achievable in litigation.
In addition to private mediation firms, there are nonprofit community mediation centers for people who cannot afford to hire a mediator. Mediation can be conducted with or without lawyers present, but most mediators recommend that the parties consult with a lawyer at some point during the mediation process; the extent of the involvement of a lawyer is up to the parties in the mediation.
Collaborative law
Another form of dispute resolution is Collaborative Law, in which lawyers are involved from the beginning but the two parties and lawyers agree that the lawyers will be used only for out-of-court discussions. In other words, if the collaborative negotiations fail and the case needs to go to court, the parties will hire new counsel. This style of practice was invented in 1990 by Stu Webb, a Minnesota family lawyer, who felt that traditional litigation was not always helpful to the parties and their families, and often was damaging. Since its inception, Collaborative Law has spread through most of the United States, Canada, Europe, Australia, England, Switzerland, France and several other countries.
In a collaborative case, the parties work toward reaching a settlement through a series of meetings in which both the parties and counsel attend. These meetings are called four-way meetings even though there are often more than four people present. For example, sometimes a neutral and independent expert is invited to join the discussions. The focus of the four-way meetings is to identify the parties' goals and underlying interests, and look for options that enable both parties to get their needs met.
All three of these processes - mediation, collaborative law, and the use of a parenting coordinator - allow parents to formulate a parenting plan, voice their opinions, and participate directly in the resolution of parenting issues. Litigation stifles the parties' voices - parents can then communicate only through their lawyers - and the voice of their children usually cannot be heard at all.
These alternatives to litigation are not appropriate for every case or every situation, and collaboration cannot succeed if one of the parties is not willing to participate in the process. In those situations, as well as in cases in which there is domestic violence or other exigent circumstances, the parties often have to go to court - either as their first or ultimate course of action.
Court (Litigation)
Once the decision has been made to file an action in court, the process moves at a pace determined by the court. It could take as long as 14 months, and sometimes longer; deciding custodial arrangements is not an issue that is resolved quickly.
Once a case has been filed, the court will usually order that the parties maintain the status quo unless and until it can determine there is a good reason it should be changed. However, there is no longer a presumption that custody is automatically awarded to the mother; the courts do not automatically favor one parent over the other.
When determining the parenting arrangements, the court will consider what the arrangements have been, and, if the child is old enough, the child's wishes.
Once the case is in the court system, a variety of people may become involved in the decision-making. The parties are sometimes required to meet with a Family Services Officer, who may report to the judge on the substance of those discussions.Family Services Officers have only a brief time - usually less than an hour - to meet with the parties and make a recommendation to the judge.
If the case is unusually difficult or contentious, the court may appoint a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL), whose job is to investigate and report to the court. The cost of these evaluations is usually shared by the parties. The GAL is usually a psychologist, psychiatrist or some other family trained specialist in private practice who focuses on custody evaluations.
If these preliminary stages do not resolve the custody issues, the judge will set a trial date. Despite the expense and the acrimony that ordinarily result from taking the case to trial, this may be precisely what's needed when the parties cannot agree on arrangements for their children.
So which process should you use? There is no easy answer; there is no right and wrong. Some questions to ask in making this determination are: Do I need legal advice and representation during this process or can I represent myself? How quickly do I want or need this resolved? In making these decisions, parents should remember that choosing one process or another does not have to be an irrevocable decision. For example, a case may be headed for trial, but it is never too late to try mediation or bring a parenting coordinator into the picture.
None of these processes is a panacea. Each has its advantages and disadvantages. Getting professional advice about which process to choose is a good idea, and for people who cannot afford even that much legal advice, the state bar association can provide assistance. Deciding who is coming to a child's baseball game or soccer practice may seem like a small decision, but the accumulated impact of those decisions - and how they are made - can have a lifelong impact on children. And thus it is difficult to overestimate the value of making the decisions thoughtfully and well.
Craig Silverman is a MetroWest resident and lawyer with Boston Law Collaborative and has been practicing for over 10 years; he has experience in litigation, collaborative law and has been trained in mediation. Information on his practice can be found at www.bostonlawcollaborative.com.
GHS
Posted Apr 09, 2009 @ 04:34 PM
This past winter my wife and I took our daughter to swimming class at the local YMCA. While we were there we ran into a friend of our daughter's whose parents had recently divorced. Both parents attended the class. During these swim classes they seemed civil and sat within reasonable proximity to each other. I later learned, however, that appearances can be deceiving.
Unfortunately this peaceful co-existence at their child's activities was to come to an abrupt end. I learned soon after the end of the swim class session that the father had filed court papers seeking modification of their parenting arrangement, and the case quickly became contentious. While the facts of each divorce case may differ, the underlying issues are often the same: spending time with the children.
A very wise judge, who has since retired, once said, "Husbands and wives may come and go, but parents are forever."
Now that spring is here and, with it, baseball, soccer, dance recitals, graduations and other activities, resulting in many scenarios like the one described above, children of divorce often wind up caught in the middle, and they begin to ask who's coming to their activities.
Parents have to find ways to resolve their parenting issues, always being guided by what is in the best interest of the child.
As a divorce lawyer who represents both husbands and wives, I often see parents vying for more time with their children, and this competition creates conflict which can put children in the middle. So, what are some options to resolve these conflicts?
Parenting coordinators
Most divorcing parents sign a Separation Agreement (this is a technical term - it's really a divorce agreement) - a contract that outlines the terms of their divorce. It will often have a provision obligating the divorcing parents to take any disagreements about parenting that they cannot work out on their own to a parenting coordinator before going to court.
Parenting coordinators address such issues as pick-up and drop-off times, holidays and child care duties. Often the parents are so busy fighting each other that they fail to consider what's best for their children. Parenting coordinators are people who have expertise in family law and the psychological impact of divorce. They may be psychologists, social workers, attorneys, or professional mediators. In Massachusetts most judges do not believe that they have the authority to appoint a parent coordinator so their appointment must be agreed upon by the parties. Their services are paid for by the parents; often the cost is divided equally, but that varies case by case.
The parent coordinator mediates issues when the parents are unable to negotiate those issues successfully on their own. The parenting coordinator is often given the power to decide what the result should be if the parents remain deadlocked, even after mediation efforts. Family law attorneys and online resources can help in choosing the right parenting coordinator.
While a court has the ultimate final say (and can overrule the parenting coordinator's recommendations), a parenting coordinator can reduce the need to go to court and therefore reduce child-related conflict for divorced parents. Any method of dispute resolution that resolves child-related issues outside of Court is a benefit to those involved.
What happens if either there isn't a provision for a parenting coordinator or one party doesn't agree to use a parent coordinator? Does that mean that the parents have to run to court over each and every parenting issue?
Mediation
Mediation is a form of alternate dispute resolution (ADR) in which a neutral third party, the mediator, assists parties to negotiate an agreement. One advantage of mediation is confidentiality. Mediation also allows the parties to step away from the acrimony of the courtroom to resolve the dispute quickly and inexpensively. Mediation allows parties to speak for themselves, which fosters creative ideas, allows people to address emotional issues, and arrive at practical, long-term solutions that may not be achievable in litigation.
In addition to private mediation firms, there are nonprofit community mediation centers for people who cannot afford to hire a mediator. Mediation can be conducted with or without lawyers present, but most mediators recommend that the parties consult with a lawyer at some point during the mediation process; the extent of the involvement of a lawyer is up to the parties in the mediation.
Collaborative law
Another form of dispute resolution is Collaborative Law, in which lawyers are involved from the beginning but the two parties and lawyers agree that the lawyers will be used only for out-of-court discussions. In other words, if the collaborative negotiations fail and the case needs to go to court, the parties will hire new counsel. This style of practice was invented in 1990 by Stu Webb, a Minnesota family lawyer, who felt that traditional litigation was not always helpful to the parties and their families, and often was damaging. Since its inception, Collaborative Law has spread through most of the United States, Canada, Europe, Australia, England, Switzerland, France and several other countries.
In a collaborative case, the parties work toward reaching a settlement through a series of meetings in which both the parties and counsel attend. These meetings are called four-way meetings even though there are often more than four people present. For example, sometimes a neutral and independent expert is invited to join the discussions. The focus of the four-way meetings is to identify the parties' goals and underlying interests, and look for options that enable both parties to get their needs met.
All three of these processes - mediation, collaborative law, and the use of a parenting coordinator - allow parents to formulate a parenting plan, voice their opinions, and participate directly in the resolution of parenting issues. Litigation stifles the parties' voices - parents can then communicate only through their lawyers - and the voice of their children usually cannot be heard at all.
These alternatives to litigation are not appropriate for every case or every situation, and collaboration cannot succeed if one of the parties is not willing to participate in the process. In those situations, as well as in cases in which there is domestic violence or other exigent circumstances, the parties often have to go to court - either as their first or ultimate course of action.
Court (Litigation)
Once the decision has been made to file an action in court, the process moves at a pace determined by the court. It could take as long as 14 months, and sometimes longer; deciding custodial arrangements is not an issue that is resolved quickly.
Once a case has been filed, the court will usually order that the parties maintain the status quo unless and until it can determine there is a good reason it should be changed. However, there is no longer a presumption that custody is automatically awarded to the mother; the courts do not automatically favor one parent over the other.
When determining the parenting arrangements, the court will consider what the arrangements have been, and, if the child is old enough, the child's wishes.
Once the case is in the court system, a variety of people may become involved in the decision-making. The parties are sometimes required to meet with a Family Services Officer, who may report to the judge on the substance of those discussions.Family Services Officers have only a brief time - usually less than an hour - to meet with the parties and make a recommendation to the judge.
If the case is unusually difficult or contentious, the court may appoint a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL), whose job is to investigate and report to the court. The cost of these evaluations is usually shared by the parties. The GAL is usually a psychologist, psychiatrist or some other family trained specialist in private practice who focuses on custody evaluations.
If these preliminary stages do not resolve the custody issues, the judge will set a trial date. Despite the expense and the acrimony that ordinarily result from taking the case to trial, this may be precisely what's needed when the parties cannot agree on arrangements for their children.
So which process should you use? There is no easy answer; there is no right and wrong. Some questions to ask in making this determination are: Do I need legal advice and representation during this process or can I represent myself? How quickly do I want or need this resolved? In making these decisions, parents should remember that choosing one process or another does not have to be an irrevocable decision. For example, a case may be headed for trial, but it is never too late to try mediation or bring a parenting coordinator into the picture.
None of these processes is a panacea. Each has its advantages and disadvantages. Getting professional advice about which process to choose is a good idea, and for people who cannot afford even that much legal advice, the state bar association can provide assistance. Deciding who is coming to a child's baseball game or soccer practice may seem like a small decision, but the accumulated impact of those decisions - and how they are made - can have a lifelong impact on children. And thus it is difficult to overestimate the value of making the decisions thoughtfully and well.
Craig Silverman is a MetroWest resident and lawyer with Boston Law Collaborative and has been practicing for over 10 years; he has experience in litigation, collaborative law and has been trained in mediation. Information on his practice can be found at www.bostonlawcollaborative.com.
Friday, March 20, 2009
DIY divorce
DIY divorce
By Meredith Goldstein
Globe Staff / March 18, 2009
Many miserable couples are just too poor these days to get a proper divorce.
Some have opted to wait it out until property values rise, jobs are secured, and alimony can be paid. Some are even cohabitating until the economy is back up and running.
Other cash-strapped couples aren't as willing to hang on until the market inflates. They've decided to divorce, but to save cash they're skimping on attorneys.
DIY divorces are pretty common these days. You can find the instructions and paperwork online. Websites such as www.easy-divorce.com, www.completecase.com, and www.mydivorcedocuments.com charge about as much - and make it look as easy - as TurboTax.
"Our online divorce volume has actually increased as the recession has deepened because couples are looking for a less expensive way to get divorced rather than spend thousands of dollars on legal fees," e-mailed Richard Granat, a lawyer who specializes in online law services and runs a number of state-specific sites including www.madivorceonline.com.
Doing a divorce pro se (that's what the courts call self-representation) is certainly possible, as is representing yourself in any legal matter. But is it wise?
To my surprise, I found a lawyer who isn't opposed to turning away business and telling people to take matters in their own hands. Steven Ballard, a divorce attorney in Wellesley Hills and Worcester, says we live in a DIY world. Some people are capable of undoing their own bad situations, especially when those bad situations are simple.
"The reality is that people can represent themselves in many cases," Ballard says. "It's been my practice to tell clients . . . they can handle the divorce themselves. If there are little in the way of assets to divide, if there are no children, there's no reason people shouldn't go into court and grab the papers themselves." Ballard recommends the book "How to File for Divorce in Massachusetts" by Sharyn T. Sooho and Steven L Fuchs.
Ballard gives a disclaimer: If there are issues with custody and assets, it's worth hiring representation. Of course, Ballard's friend Laurie Israel, a Brookline attorney, would argue that all divorces are complicated, even the ones that appear to be simple.
"I know it's horrible to pay legal fees. I know I wouldn't like it myself," Israel says. "It seems like you should be able to do it, but there are all these pitfalls."
Israel says there's no smart way around lawyers. Often, couples who do the paperwork themselves wind up hiring lawyers later on to undo their mistakes. Even couples who come to an agreement about the terms of their divorce before seeking legal representation wind up making the process more expensive once one of the parties realizes he or she has given up too much.
"You don't know what's fair until you're a divorce lawyer," she says.
Paula M. Carey, chief justice of the Probate and Family Court, says that despite the cons of DIY divorce, it's happening, so the state must address the trend. "The economy has caused more and more people to be self-represented," she said.
Couples have always been able to take advantage of the court's lawyer-for-a-day program, which is basically free legal advice. If they live in Suffolk, Norfolk, or Hampden counties, divorcing people are also allowed to hire lawyers for specific portions of their cases. That's a new trend in Massachusetts - the unbundling of legal services to make them more affordable.
The state has seen such an influx of pro se cases, specifically in family court, that it has started educating the public about how to use the system without help. The Norfolk Probate and Family Court hosts a seminar at 7 p.m. on the last Wednesday of every month at Canton High School.
At the very least, the classes can help couples on the fence decide whether DIY law is wise. Israel would say ending a marriage is never as simple as it seems.
Meredith Goldstein can be reached at mgoldstein@globe.com. You can read her daily Love Letters dispatch and chat with her every Wednesday at 1 p.m. at www.boston.com/loveletters.
© Copyright 2009 Globe Newspaper Company.
http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/articles/2009/03/18/diy_divorce/
By Meredith Goldstein
Globe Staff / March 18, 2009
Many miserable couples are just too poor these days to get a proper divorce.
Some have opted to wait it out until property values rise, jobs are secured, and alimony can be paid. Some are even cohabitating until the economy is back up and running.
Other cash-strapped couples aren't as willing to hang on until the market inflates. They've decided to divorce, but to save cash they're skimping on attorneys.
DIY divorces are pretty common these days. You can find the instructions and paperwork online. Websites such as www.easy-divorce.com, www.completecase.com, and www.mydivorcedocuments.com charge about as much - and make it look as easy - as TurboTax.
"Our online divorce volume has actually increased as the recession has deepened because couples are looking for a less expensive way to get divorced rather than spend thousands of dollars on legal fees," e-mailed Richard Granat, a lawyer who specializes in online law services and runs a number of state-specific sites including www.madivorceonline.com.
Doing a divorce pro se (that's what the courts call self-representation) is certainly possible, as is representing yourself in any legal matter. But is it wise?
To my surprise, I found a lawyer who isn't opposed to turning away business and telling people to take matters in their own hands. Steven Ballard, a divorce attorney in Wellesley Hills and Worcester, says we live in a DIY world. Some people are capable of undoing their own bad situations, especially when those bad situations are simple.
"The reality is that people can represent themselves in many cases," Ballard says. "It's been my practice to tell clients . . . they can handle the divorce themselves. If there are little in the way of assets to divide, if there are no children, there's no reason people shouldn't go into court and grab the papers themselves." Ballard recommends the book "How to File for Divorce in Massachusetts" by Sharyn T. Sooho and Steven L Fuchs.
Ballard gives a disclaimer: If there are issues with custody and assets, it's worth hiring representation. Of course, Ballard's friend Laurie Israel, a Brookline attorney, would argue that all divorces are complicated, even the ones that appear to be simple.
"I know it's horrible to pay legal fees. I know I wouldn't like it myself," Israel says. "It seems like you should be able to do it, but there are all these pitfalls."
Israel says there's no smart way around lawyers. Often, couples who do the paperwork themselves wind up hiring lawyers later on to undo their mistakes. Even couples who come to an agreement about the terms of their divorce before seeking legal representation wind up making the process more expensive once one of the parties realizes he or she has given up too much.
"You don't know what's fair until you're a divorce lawyer," she says.
Paula M. Carey, chief justice of the Probate and Family Court, says that despite the cons of DIY divorce, it's happening, so the state must address the trend. "The economy has caused more and more people to be self-represented," she said.
Couples have always been able to take advantage of the court's lawyer-for-a-day program, which is basically free legal advice. If they live in Suffolk, Norfolk, or Hampden counties, divorcing people are also allowed to hire lawyers for specific portions of their cases. That's a new trend in Massachusetts - the unbundling of legal services to make them more affordable.
The state has seen such an influx of pro se cases, specifically in family court, that it has started educating the public about how to use the system without help. The Norfolk Probate and Family Court hosts a seminar at 7 p.m. on the last Wednesday of every month at Canton High School.
At the very least, the classes can help couples on the fence decide whether DIY law is wise. Israel would say ending a marriage is never as simple as it seems.
Meredith Goldstein can be reached at mgoldstein@globe.com. You can read her daily Love Letters dispatch and chat with her every Wednesday at 1 p.m. at www.boston.com/loveletters.
© Copyright 2009 Globe Newspaper Company.
http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/articles/2009/03/18/diy_divorce/
Sunday, February 8, 2009
300 Helpful Divorce Articles
I ran across this link today and wanted to share it because I feel like it will hit on a lot of issues that may be related to any one of us - I will also paste the link on http://www.childsharing.com/ResourceCenter/Articles.aspx - There are rules on divorce recovery, dating again after divorce, divorce tips and other common problems that may occur during divorce.
Happy reading and let me know what your favorite article was.
www.childsharing.com
Divorce Recovery Site Map
Over 300 Helpful Divorce Articles, Lessons, Tips and Tools to "Move On" From Divorce
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/site_map.html
Happy reading and let me know what your favorite article was.
www.childsharing.com
Divorce Recovery Site Map
Over 300 Helpful Divorce Articles, Lessons, Tips and Tools to "Move On" From Divorce
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/site_map.html
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Dr. Phil on the Damage of Putting Kids in the Middle
Did anyone see Dr. Phil yesterday Feb. 4th 2009 regarding the damage you can do to your children by putting them in the middle. It was clear that the child was suffering and needed the love and nurturing from him mother.
Unfortunately to many times during the divorce process and after parents lose sight of their value and significance in their childcare's lives. The mother of this child had every excuse as to why she was not available to her son - time, circumstance and money.
The child made a great point - if nothing else, go down to a pay phone and call for .25 cents.
Your children just need to know you are there for them, that you care and love them. A little bit goes a long way and if they feel safe and secure their chances for success will increase exponentially.
I think too many times as parents we assume that we need to buy our kids - but love does not cost a thing and if you as a parent go outside of yourself and look beyond - or simply just down you will see eyes staring up at you with full faith that you are special - your kids love you faults and all so take some time out and simply love them - the returns are eternal.
For more information on the show you can check out: www.DrPhil.com
Cheers and best wishes - if you feel like you would like to brush up on your personal parenting skills check out www.childsharing.com
Unfortunately to many times during the divorce process and after parents lose sight of their value and significance in their childcare's lives. The mother of this child had every excuse as to why she was not available to her son - time, circumstance and money.
The child made a great point - if nothing else, go down to a pay phone and call for .25 cents.
Your children just need to know you are there for them, that you care and love them. A little bit goes a long way and if they feel safe and secure their chances for success will increase exponentially.
I think too many times as parents we assume that we need to buy our kids - but love does not cost a thing and if you as a parent go outside of yourself and look beyond - or simply just down you will see eyes staring up at you with full faith that you are special - your kids love you faults and all so take some time out and simply love them - the returns are eternal.
For more information on the show you can check out: www.DrPhil.com
Cheers and best wishes - if you feel like you would like to brush up on your personal parenting skills check out www.childsharing.com
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