A recent study shows that parents are somewhat more likely to get divorced -- if their first child is a girl! So says an article written by veteran newspaper editor and reporter Don Moore, recently retired from the Port Charlotte, FL Sun-Herald. He talks about a report produced by Dr. Enrico Moretti, an economics professor at the University of California, Berkeley and Dr. Gordon Dahl, professor of economics at the University of California, San Diego.
Their report, "The Demand for Sons," appeared in a recent edition of "The Review of Economic Studies." Your divorce rate increases approximately four percent if you have a daughter as a first child instead of a son," Moretti says.
"We did compare families who had two daughters with families that had two sons. What we discovered was that a couple with two daughters is more likely to have a third child trying to have a son," Moretti explained.
The professor said he didn't believe there is any difference between races, but it's hard to compare divorce rates across races.
He also added that, "Women whose first child is a boy are four percent more likely to remain married than those whose first child is a girl. In general, the better the woman's education, the later the fertility, the lower the divorce rate."
The 50-page study on gender and divorce also found that a first-born daughter is significantly less likely to be living with their father compared to a first-born son.
The three reasons for this conclusion include:
1. Women who have daughters first are less likely to be married.
2. Parents with first born daughters are more likely to be divorced.
3. Fathers are more likely to obtain custody of a son than a daughter.
"The effect is quantitatively substantial, accounting for a 3.1 percent lower probability of a resident father for families with a first-born girl. We estimate that in any given year (in the U.S.) roughly 52,000 first-born daughters under the age of 12 would have had a resident father if they had been boys," the report says.
The article says there are other statistical differences caused by families with first-born daughters. These families have lower incomes and higher poverty rates. "For children in families with an absentee father due to the first-born daughter effect, family income is reduced by 50 percent and the chances of poverty are increased by 34 percent. Notably, children whose first-born sibling is a girl have lower educational achievement," the study indicates.
Professor Alan Booth, a professor of sociology, human development and demography at Pennsylvania State University, generally agreed with most of Moretti's and Dahl's findings. "I know this to be true. Families that have a boy as a first child are more likely to stay together than if their first child is a female," Professor Booth said. "Gender bias in the U.S. favors boys."
According to Dr. Booth, one of the reasons married couples prefer boys in the U.S. is that when they grow up they are more likely to make more money than girls. Another factor affecting economics is that couples whose first two children are girls are more likely to have a third child than if they have two boys.
This may come as a surprise to many of us who thought that gender bias on this level was unlikely in America. Dr. Booth does go on to say, "More recently the gender preference in the U.S. is beginning to be more positive for girls. This is because there are more women in the labor force today, women are more independent today than they once were, and women's attitudes are less traditional and there are also other factors involved."
I don't know if any of these statistics are relevant to the divorces of any of my readers. But I thought I'd share this as a point for conversation and introspection. Would your marital circumstances be any different today had your children been of a different gender? Would your relationship have been different? What about your financial circumstances? Something to contemplate.
As always, I welcome your feedback.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca,CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! which can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Her free articles and ezine are available at www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Copyright Rosalind Sedacca 2009
Showing posts with label divorce articles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce articles. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Monday, August 3, 2009
California Family Law Blog
I found this and it has some interesting and relevant information: http://www.californiafamilylawblog.com/
Posted On: July 1, 2009 by Scott Sagaria
San Jose Divorce Attorney Discusses How the Recession Changes Face of Divorce in California
San Jose Divorce Attorney Discusses How the Recession Changes Face of Divorce in California
As the economic downturn continues to damage housing values, force job losses and cuts in services, one thing that has not changed is that couples are still divorcing, child support is still being sought, and property is still being divided. What has changed is how those divorces are proceeding, in terms of financial awards and assets.
One of the largest assets in any divorce is typically the house. That asset used to have, particularly in California, equity which could be used to either buy the other party out or sold and divided equally between the parties. Frequently, we are now seeing that the houses not only have no equity, but that the parties owe substantially more than the house is worth, and often, the parties are behind on payments, or will be when the two-income household is no longer in existence. This poses a dilemma for family courts, parties and attorneys – how do we get divide a negative asset? Every couple has to decide for themselves, but options include a short sale, returning the property to the bank, or allowing the party who can make the mortgage to assume responsibility for the property.
Other issues being affected by the recession include child and spousal support. As one or both party loses their jobs, the need for support increases, but often the income that maintained the standard of living during marriage is no longer available to the parties. This lack of income can force families to make hard decisions about where to live, where to send children to school, and how to get buy on substantially less income.
The recession has also pummeled many people’s retirements, leaving many spouses wondering what happened to the financial nest egg. Fortunately, many 401(k) type accounts can be divided in kind, so that as the financial markets change and begin to recover, so too will the 401(k).
Here at Sagaria Law, we offer a full range of family law and legal services including divorce, paternity, adoption, child custody and visitation matters, child support, spousal support, alimony, juvenile dependency, domestic violence, division of property, grandparent visitation and custody, etc. We have seven Northern California locations including San Jose, San Francisco, Redwood City, Fremont, Salinas, Roseville and Sacramento. We offer a free thirty minute consultation, either in person at any of our offices, or over the phone. Call our offices today and we can connect you with an attorney immediately or we can schedule your free consultation with one of our family law attorneys: (408) 279-2288 or (800) 941-6730 or visit www.sagarialaw.com
www.ChildSharing.com
Posted On: July 1, 2009 by Scott Sagaria
San Jose Divorce Attorney Discusses How the Recession Changes Face of Divorce in California
San Jose Divorce Attorney Discusses How the Recession Changes Face of Divorce in California
As the economic downturn continues to damage housing values, force job losses and cuts in services, one thing that has not changed is that couples are still divorcing, child support is still being sought, and property is still being divided. What has changed is how those divorces are proceeding, in terms of financial awards and assets.
One of the largest assets in any divorce is typically the house. That asset used to have, particularly in California, equity which could be used to either buy the other party out or sold and divided equally between the parties. Frequently, we are now seeing that the houses not only have no equity, but that the parties owe substantially more than the house is worth, and often, the parties are behind on payments, or will be when the two-income household is no longer in existence. This poses a dilemma for family courts, parties and attorneys – how do we get divide a negative asset? Every couple has to decide for themselves, but options include a short sale, returning the property to the bank, or allowing the party who can make the mortgage to assume responsibility for the property.
Other issues being affected by the recession include child and spousal support. As one or both party loses their jobs, the need for support increases, but often the income that maintained the standard of living during marriage is no longer available to the parties. This lack of income can force families to make hard decisions about where to live, where to send children to school, and how to get buy on substantially less income.
The recession has also pummeled many people’s retirements, leaving many spouses wondering what happened to the financial nest egg. Fortunately, many 401(k) type accounts can be divided in kind, so that as the financial markets change and begin to recover, so too will the 401(k).
Here at Sagaria Law, we offer a full range of family law and legal services including divorce, paternity, adoption, child custody and visitation matters, child support, spousal support, alimony, juvenile dependency, domestic violence, division of property, grandparent visitation and custody, etc. We have seven Northern California locations including San Jose, San Francisco, Redwood City, Fremont, Salinas, Roseville and Sacramento. We offer a free thirty minute consultation, either in person at any of our offices, or over the phone. Call our offices today and we can connect you with an attorney immediately or we can schedule your free consultation with one of our family law attorneys: (408) 279-2288 or (800) 941-6730 or visit www.sagarialaw.com
www.ChildSharing.com
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Divorce Poll Results for Boomers Shows Need for Coping & Communication Skills
A first-of-its-kind national poll to determine if a consensus exists about how divorced baby boomers are holding up was conducted by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center].
Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.
1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?
Results:
Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).
The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people’s lives.
Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:
• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.
While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own” and “not growing old with my husband."
While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."
A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.
The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization.
So what does this poll mean for those who provide services to divorcing couples? How can we help ease the emotional turmoil especially when children are involved? These are some of the questions we hope to discuss through interviews and the free teleseminar series taking place during National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July.
We encourage media contact, questions and exploration of new alternatives available especially for parents as they move through the divorce maze.
To learn more about National Child-Centered Divorce Month contact Rosalind Sedacca at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Posted: www.ChildSharing.com
Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.
1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?
Results:
Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).
The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people’s lives.
Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:
• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.
While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own” and “not growing old with my husband."
While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."
A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.
The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization.
So what does this poll mean for those who provide services to divorcing couples? How can we help ease the emotional turmoil especially when children are involved? These are some of the questions we hope to discuss through interviews and the free teleseminar series taking place during National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July.
We encourage media contact, questions and exploration of new alternatives available especially for parents as they move through the divorce maze.
To learn more about National Child-Centered Divorce Month contact Rosalind Sedacca at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Posted: www.ChildSharing.com
Natl Child-Centered Divorce Month
launched with free teleseminars and gifts for parents!
West Palm Beach, FL: The third annual National Child-Centered Divorce Month, taking place throughout July, will be launched with a series of complimentary teleseminars and bonus gifts for parents.
Divorce book author, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, a certified corporate trainer recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month. “These weeks are dedicated to helping parents make the best possible decisions regarding their children during and after a divorce.”
To help spread the word throughout North America a series of free teleseminars are being offered for parents, educators and others who care about these issues. “Leading professionals within the “peaceful divorce” community will be presenting vital information parents can immediately put to use as they transition through and beyond divorce,” says Sedacca, who is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network.
The schedule of teleseminar topics and dates will be announced shortly.
On July 1st, the website, www.childsharing.com will be providing a link to free ebooks, coaching sessions and other complimentary gifts for divorcing and divorced parents throughout July.
Professionals who share Sedacca’s concerns, including therapists, attorneys, mediators, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and others, will be providing articles, interviews, seminars, coaching sessions and other events geared toward helping parents create a peaceful and successful Child-Centered Divorce in the months and years following divorce. Their message: Regardless of your own emotional state, think first about your children's emotional and psychological needs when making decisions related to divorce or separation.
“While our divorce legal system needs considerable reform, it is also essential for us to bring a heightened awareness to parents about their responsibility to their children’s well-being before, during and after divorce,” says Sedacca, who is the author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!
“Parenting is a life-long process, even when you get a divorce,” she adds. “We need to provide better resources and teach better coping skills to parents so they can understand the short- and long-term effects of divorce upon their children.”
Parents, the media and divorce professionals interested in learning more about activities related to National Child-Centered Divorce Month can learn more at: www.childcentereddivorce.com, www.childsharing.com and www.childcentereddivorce.blogspot.com. Media are invited to contact Sedacca directly at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com.
Posted: www.ChildSharing.com
West Palm Beach, FL: The third annual National Child-Centered Divorce Month, taking place throughout July, will be launched with a series of complimentary teleseminars and bonus gifts for parents.
Divorce book author, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, a certified corporate trainer recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month. “These weeks are dedicated to helping parents make the best possible decisions regarding their children during and after a divorce.”
To help spread the word throughout North America a series of free teleseminars are being offered for parents, educators and others who care about these issues. “Leading professionals within the “peaceful divorce” community will be presenting vital information parents can immediately put to use as they transition through and beyond divorce,” says Sedacca, who is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network.
The schedule of teleseminar topics and dates will be announced shortly.
On July 1st, the website, www.childsharing.com will be providing a link to free ebooks, coaching sessions and other complimentary gifts for divorcing and divorced parents throughout July.
Professionals who share Sedacca’s concerns, including therapists, attorneys, mediators, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and others, will be providing articles, interviews, seminars, coaching sessions and other events geared toward helping parents create a peaceful and successful Child-Centered Divorce in the months and years following divorce. Their message: Regardless of your own emotional state, think first about your children's emotional and psychological needs when making decisions related to divorce or separation.
“While our divorce legal system needs considerable reform, it is also essential for us to bring a heightened awareness to parents about their responsibility to their children’s well-being before, during and after divorce,” says Sedacca, who is the author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!
“Parenting is a life-long process, even when you get a divorce,” she adds. “We need to provide better resources and teach better coping skills to parents so they can understand the short- and long-term effects of divorce upon their children.”
Parents, the media and divorce professionals interested in learning more about activities related to National Child-Centered Divorce Month can learn more at: www.childcentereddivorce.com, www.childsharing.com and www.childcentereddivorce.blogspot.com. Media are invited to contact Sedacca directly at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com.
Posted: www.ChildSharing.com
Monday, April 6, 2009
How to Find an Attorney in My County via the Internet
Interesting Blog - worth a read:
http://www.cheatingrules.com/how-to-find-an-attorney-in-my-county-via-the-internet
http://www.cheatingrules.com/how-to-find-an-attorney-in-my-county-via-the-internet
Friday, March 20, 2009
DIY divorce
DIY divorce
By Meredith Goldstein
Globe Staff / March 18, 2009
Many miserable couples are just too poor these days to get a proper divorce.
Some have opted to wait it out until property values rise, jobs are secured, and alimony can be paid. Some are even cohabitating until the economy is back up and running.
Other cash-strapped couples aren't as willing to hang on until the market inflates. They've decided to divorce, but to save cash they're skimping on attorneys.
DIY divorces are pretty common these days. You can find the instructions and paperwork online. Websites such as www.easy-divorce.com, www.completecase.com, and www.mydivorcedocuments.com charge about as much - and make it look as easy - as TurboTax.
"Our online divorce volume has actually increased as the recession has deepened because couples are looking for a less expensive way to get divorced rather than spend thousands of dollars on legal fees," e-mailed Richard Granat, a lawyer who specializes in online law services and runs a number of state-specific sites including www.madivorceonline.com.
Doing a divorce pro se (that's what the courts call self-representation) is certainly possible, as is representing yourself in any legal matter. But is it wise?
To my surprise, I found a lawyer who isn't opposed to turning away business and telling people to take matters in their own hands. Steven Ballard, a divorce attorney in Wellesley Hills and Worcester, says we live in a DIY world. Some people are capable of undoing their own bad situations, especially when those bad situations are simple.
"The reality is that people can represent themselves in many cases," Ballard says. "It's been my practice to tell clients . . . they can handle the divorce themselves. If there are little in the way of assets to divide, if there are no children, there's no reason people shouldn't go into court and grab the papers themselves." Ballard recommends the book "How to File for Divorce in Massachusetts" by Sharyn T. Sooho and Steven L Fuchs.
Ballard gives a disclaimer: If there are issues with custody and assets, it's worth hiring representation. Of course, Ballard's friend Laurie Israel, a Brookline attorney, would argue that all divorces are complicated, even the ones that appear to be simple.
"I know it's horrible to pay legal fees. I know I wouldn't like it myself," Israel says. "It seems like you should be able to do it, but there are all these pitfalls."
Israel says there's no smart way around lawyers. Often, couples who do the paperwork themselves wind up hiring lawyers later on to undo their mistakes. Even couples who come to an agreement about the terms of their divorce before seeking legal representation wind up making the process more expensive once one of the parties realizes he or she has given up too much.
"You don't know what's fair until you're a divorce lawyer," she says.
Paula M. Carey, chief justice of the Probate and Family Court, says that despite the cons of DIY divorce, it's happening, so the state must address the trend. "The economy has caused more and more people to be self-represented," she said.
Couples have always been able to take advantage of the court's lawyer-for-a-day program, which is basically free legal advice. If they live in Suffolk, Norfolk, or Hampden counties, divorcing people are also allowed to hire lawyers for specific portions of their cases. That's a new trend in Massachusetts - the unbundling of legal services to make them more affordable.
The state has seen such an influx of pro se cases, specifically in family court, that it has started educating the public about how to use the system without help. The Norfolk Probate and Family Court hosts a seminar at 7 p.m. on the last Wednesday of every month at Canton High School.
At the very least, the classes can help couples on the fence decide whether DIY law is wise. Israel would say ending a marriage is never as simple as it seems.
Meredith Goldstein can be reached at mgoldstein@globe.com. You can read her daily Love Letters dispatch and chat with her every Wednesday at 1 p.m. at www.boston.com/loveletters.
© Copyright 2009 Globe Newspaper Company.
http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/articles/2009/03/18/diy_divorce/
By Meredith Goldstein
Globe Staff / March 18, 2009
Many miserable couples are just too poor these days to get a proper divorce.
Some have opted to wait it out until property values rise, jobs are secured, and alimony can be paid. Some are even cohabitating until the economy is back up and running.
Other cash-strapped couples aren't as willing to hang on until the market inflates. They've decided to divorce, but to save cash they're skimping on attorneys.
DIY divorces are pretty common these days. You can find the instructions and paperwork online. Websites such as www.easy-divorce.com, www.completecase.com, and www.mydivorcedocuments.com charge about as much - and make it look as easy - as TurboTax.
"Our online divorce volume has actually increased as the recession has deepened because couples are looking for a less expensive way to get divorced rather than spend thousands of dollars on legal fees," e-mailed Richard Granat, a lawyer who specializes in online law services and runs a number of state-specific sites including www.madivorceonline.com.
Doing a divorce pro se (that's what the courts call self-representation) is certainly possible, as is representing yourself in any legal matter. But is it wise?
To my surprise, I found a lawyer who isn't opposed to turning away business and telling people to take matters in their own hands. Steven Ballard, a divorce attorney in Wellesley Hills and Worcester, says we live in a DIY world. Some people are capable of undoing their own bad situations, especially when those bad situations are simple.
"The reality is that people can represent themselves in many cases," Ballard says. "It's been my practice to tell clients . . . they can handle the divorce themselves. If there are little in the way of assets to divide, if there are no children, there's no reason people shouldn't go into court and grab the papers themselves." Ballard recommends the book "How to File for Divorce in Massachusetts" by Sharyn T. Sooho and Steven L Fuchs.
Ballard gives a disclaimer: If there are issues with custody and assets, it's worth hiring representation. Of course, Ballard's friend Laurie Israel, a Brookline attorney, would argue that all divorces are complicated, even the ones that appear to be simple.
"I know it's horrible to pay legal fees. I know I wouldn't like it myself," Israel says. "It seems like you should be able to do it, but there are all these pitfalls."
Israel says there's no smart way around lawyers. Often, couples who do the paperwork themselves wind up hiring lawyers later on to undo their mistakes. Even couples who come to an agreement about the terms of their divorce before seeking legal representation wind up making the process more expensive once one of the parties realizes he or she has given up too much.
"You don't know what's fair until you're a divorce lawyer," she says.
Paula M. Carey, chief justice of the Probate and Family Court, says that despite the cons of DIY divorce, it's happening, so the state must address the trend. "The economy has caused more and more people to be self-represented," she said.
Couples have always been able to take advantage of the court's lawyer-for-a-day program, which is basically free legal advice. If they live in Suffolk, Norfolk, or Hampden counties, divorcing people are also allowed to hire lawyers for specific portions of their cases. That's a new trend in Massachusetts - the unbundling of legal services to make them more affordable.
The state has seen such an influx of pro se cases, specifically in family court, that it has started educating the public about how to use the system without help. The Norfolk Probate and Family Court hosts a seminar at 7 p.m. on the last Wednesday of every month at Canton High School.
At the very least, the classes can help couples on the fence decide whether DIY law is wise. Israel would say ending a marriage is never as simple as it seems.
Meredith Goldstein can be reached at mgoldstein@globe.com. You can read her daily Love Letters dispatch and chat with her every Wednesday at 1 p.m. at www.boston.com/loveletters.
© Copyright 2009 Globe Newspaper Company.
http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/articles/2009/03/18/diy_divorce/
Support Groups for Divorce Recovery
I found this information and though it relevant:
Support Groups for Divorce Recovery
Filed Under Divorce
divorce
James Walsh asked:
What is a Divorce Recovery Support Group?
As the name suggests, it is a support group for divorcer. The group comprises of many divorcers who get together under the trained guidance of therapists and divorce counsellors to discuss their mutual situations. The group provides support and guidance to divorcers about their newfound life status. The group follows a format of discussion, introspection and frank communication.
Divorcers are encouraged to talk about their personal divorce experiences. A feeling of companionship is created. Divorcers share and give advice to each other. The divorce recovery support group is based on the knowledge that shared information and advice among fellow members have more impact than individual professional intervention. Divorcers get to know where they went wrong and where they are going wrong. The group also acts as a meeting place. Divorcers meet like-minded people and are able to strike friendships.
Objectives
Set Short Term and Long Term Goals: The divorce recovery support group helps a divorcer to devise a new plan for his or her new life. It helps the divorcer to adjust to the new situation. It propels the divorcer to look within and chart new priorities and expectations. These include:
Dealing with Child Custody Issues: The group helps the divorcer to come to terms with reality. It teaches the individual acceptance especially in the case of child custody. The divorcer realizes that he or she should not divorce the child. The child should always form top priority no matter what the situation. The divorcer has to keep in constant touch with the child. The divorcer outlines following guidelines after opening up to members of the recovery group:
Continuous direct communication through physical visits, emails, phones and letters
Conducting a cordial relationship with ex in front of child
Not criticizing or abusing, blaming ex in front of child
Maintaining and following court ordered visitation schedules regularly
Being actively involved in child’s life
Ensuring child knows everything about your new life
Developing Financial Goals: The divorcer has to create new financial targets. These fall into three categories of short-term and immediate targets, medium and long-term goals. The divorcer determines these goals in accordance with importance. He or she has to decide what has to be achieved at once and what can be achieved slowly. The recovery group helps the divorcer realize that the achievement of short-term goals ensures the fulfilment of long-term goals.
Short-term Goals
Setting up individual bank account
Reverting to maiden name on important documents
Changing residence and leasing a house which will have a separate room for the child
Applying for individual credit card
Seeking a change in professional work status
Reducing expenses
Long-term and Medium Goals
Meeting new people and developing/ widening social circle
Dating leading to physically intimate encounters
Remarrying
Getting involved in enjoyable hobbies and interests
Making new investments i.e. purchasing a new house
Investing in bonds and financial schemes to increase personal income
Setting up a child maintenance trust
Physical Changes: The recovery group holds that a divorcer has to let go of emotional baggage before starting a new chapter of life. Getting a physical makeover forms a big part of this initiative. The support group forces a divorcer to quit depression and regain self-esteem. Usually, groups of divorcers visit a parlour and get a makeover done at the same time. This increases the communal feeling of not being alone. It also allows the divorcer to share private marital information in a non-structured environment.
The logic is that a physical change helps the divorcer to regain his or her self-belief and confidence. Adjustment on an emotional and cognitive level can only come if the individual feels confident about physical self.
Online Divorce Recovery Groups: Nowadays online divorce recovery groups are making headway. These groups do not focus on a single area. They deal with divorcers during and after divorce. They provide online lectures on life post-divorce. The online classes also help divorcers to be informed about divorce law and amendments.
Usually, divorcers and individuals intending to get divorced, divorce counsellors and therapists form part of the group. Online recovery groups afford privacy and convenience. It often happens that divorcers or couples trying to file papers feel embarrassed about face-to-face contact. It could also be that some divorcers feel ashamed to talk about personal feelings and thoughts in front of other people. Online groups step in allowing the individual to heal oneself privately.
The group provides information about legal procedures and documents. It also garners support for populous issues of child custody and spousal maintenance.
Author
CHELSEA
Online Divorce Parenting Classes Only 39.99 www.ChildSharing.com
Support Groups for Divorce Recovery
Filed Under Divorce
divorce
James Walsh asked:
What is a Divorce Recovery Support Group?
As the name suggests, it is a support group for divorcer. The group comprises of many divorcers who get together under the trained guidance of therapists and divorce counsellors to discuss their mutual situations. The group provides support and guidance to divorcers about their newfound life status. The group follows a format of discussion, introspection and frank communication.
Divorcers are encouraged to talk about their personal divorce experiences. A feeling of companionship is created. Divorcers share and give advice to each other. The divorce recovery support group is based on the knowledge that shared information and advice among fellow members have more impact than individual professional intervention. Divorcers get to know where they went wrong and where they are going wrong. The group also acts as a meeting place. Divorcers meet like-minded people and are able to strike friendships.
Objectives
Set Short Term and Long Term Goals: The divorce recovery support group helps a divorcer to devise a new plan for his or her new life. It helps the divorcer to adjust to the new situation. It propels the divorcer to look within and chart new priorities and expectations. These include:
Dealing with Child Custody Issues: The group helps the divorcer to come to terms with reality. It teaches the individual acceptance especially in the case of child custody. The divorcer realizes that he or she should not divorce the child. The child should always form top priority no matter what the situation. The divorcer has to keep in constant touch with the child. The divorcer outlines following guidelines after opening up to members of the recovery group:
Continuous direct communication through physical visits, emails, phones and letters
Conducting a cordial relationship with ex in front of child
Not criticizing or abusing, blaming ex in front of child
Maintaining and following court ordered visitation schedules regularly
Being actively involved in child’s life
Ensuring child knows everything about your new life
Developing Financial Goals: The divorcer has to create new financial targets. These fall into three categories of short-term and immediate targets, medium and long-term goals. The divorcer determines these goals in accordance with importance. He or she has to decide what has to be achieved at once and what can be achieved slowly. The recovery group helps the divorcer realize that the achievement of short-term goals ensures the fulfilment of long-term goals.
Short-term Goals
Setting up individual bank account
Reverting to maiden name on important documents
Changing residence and leasing a house which will have a separate room for the child
Applying for individual credit card
Seeking a change in professional work status
Reducing expenses
Long-term and Medium Goals
Meeting new people and developing/ widening social circle
Dating leading to physically intimate encounters
Remarrying
Getting involved in enjoyable hobbies and interests
Making new investments i.e. purchasing a new house
Investing in bonds and financial schemes to increase personal income
Setting up a child maintenance trust
Physical Changes: The recovery group holds that a divorcer has to let go of emotional baggage before starting a new chapter of life. Getting a physical makeover forms a big part of this initiative. The support group forces a divorcer to quit depression and regain self-esteem. Usually, groups of divorcers visit a parlour and get a makeover done at the same time. This increases the communal feeling of not being alone. It also allows the divorcer to share private marital information in a non-structured environment.
The logic is that a physical change helps the divorcer to regain his or her self-belief and confidence. Adjustment on an emotional and cognitive level can only come if the individual feels confident about physical self.
Online Divorce Recovery Groups: Nowadays online divorce recovery groups are making headway. These groups do not focus on a single area. They deal with divorcers during and after divorce. They provide online lectures on life post-divorce. The online classes also help divorcers to be informed about divorce law and amendments.
Usually, divorcers and individuals intending to get divorced, divorce counsellors and therapists form part of the group. Online recovery groups afford privacy and convenience. It often happens that divorcers or couples trying to file papers feel embarrassed about face-to-face contact. It could also be that some divorcers feel ashamed to talk about personal feelings and thoughts in front of other people. Online groups step in allowing the individual to heal oneself privately.
The group provides information about legal procedures and documents. It also garners support for populous issues of child custody and spousal maintenance.
Author
CHELSEA
Online Divorce Parenting Classes Only 39.99 www.ChildSharing.com
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Before you Divorce Be Prepared to Tell the Kids
Title: Before You Divorce – Be Prepared to Tell the Kids
Author: Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Date: 2007
I've faced many difficult moments in my life. Who hasn't? But preparing to tell my son that I will bedivorcing his father was absolutely one of the worst. Thinking about breaking the news filled me with dread, not to mention gut-wrenching fear … anxiety … incredible guilt … and the oppressive weight of shame.
My son, after all, was innocent. A sweet, dear soul who loved his father and mother both. He certainly didn't deserve this.
I struggled with the anxiety for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY? How do you explain to your child that the life he has known, the comfort he has felt in his family setting, is about to be disrupted - changed - forever? How do you explain to your child that none of this is his fault?
How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe, cared for and loved, even after his parents divorce? And, even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns looming ahead when you're not sure yourself how it will all turn out?
I needed a plan. A strategy. A way of conveying all that I wanted to say to him at a level of understanding that he could grasp. My son was eleven at the time. He was still a child, yet old enough to feel the tension in our home that had been escalating for several years. He heard the frequent irritation in our voices when his
father and I spoke. He heard the arguments that would flair up suddenly in the midst of routine conversations. He heard the sarcastic inflections in our communication as well as the deafening silence when we were beyond words and engulfed in our frustration and anger.
Silently, internally, my son was experiencing it all and, not surprisingly, be began to show signs of stress. Sometimes it came in the form of headaches which had been increasing in frequency over the past two years. Other times it was his tears that revealed the pain he felt at hearing what he heard and being helpless to stop it. Many times he acted out, showing us his escalating temper, taking attention away from our drama and placing it on him. We watched as our son quietly filled up with rage about controlling a situation that was certainly beyond his control!
The most frustrating part of it all is that we knew better, his father and I. We knew better than to fight in front of our son, to allow him to be caught up in our difficulties. But as our unhappiness together grew over time, we lost a handle on what we knew and gave in to what we felt. It was a terrible mistake, one which I will always regret because my innocent child, the being I loved more than anyone in the universe, was paying the price.
I wrote a list for myself of what was most important for me to convey to my son when I -- or both his father and I -- spoke to him. Six points stood out as most essential:
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
YOU ARE AND WILL ALWAYS REMAIN SAFE.
MOM AND DAD WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR PARENTS.
MOM AND DAD WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
THIS IS ABOUT CHANGE, NOT ABOUT BLAME.
THINGS WILL WORK OUT OKAY.
I knew this was vital information I had to get across. But how do I say it? I rehearsed dozens of conversations in my head during those weeks. They seemed awkward. Rehearsed. Insincere.
Nothing felt right or did justice to the importance of this conversation.
Everything I tried brought up more questions than answers. How do I begin? How do I
prepare myself to answer all his questions? How do I cope with the inevitable tears? With his anger and pain? And then what?
One night at 4 a.m., while my troubled mind rehashed my insecurities in bed, a thought came to me that resonated in a powerful way. I remembered that my son always enjoyed looking through the family photo albums, primarily because they were filled with photos of him. He liked seeing his baby pictures and watching himself change as he grew. The albums were like a story book of his life. They kept his attention for long periods of time. They also brought out his curiosity and questions which opened the door to many relaxed family conversations.
What if I prepared a photo album for my son that told the story of our family in pictures and words? And what if it spanned from before he was born right up to the present, preparing him for the new changes ahead?
The storybook concept gave him something tangible he could hold on to and read over again and again to help him grasp what was about to transpire. It would explain, in language he could understand, why this was happening and what to expect. Most important of all, it would be a format that allowed me to make sure I emphasized the six crucial points I knew I had to get across to him.
And, rather than rehearsing a conversation that felt like a mine-field of possible mistakes and detours, the storybook would give me a written, pre-planned script, that was well thought through in advance. Thankfully, it worked.
When the storybook was completed I showed it to my husband. It was important to me that we both agreed upon the message we were conveying to our child. What I said was not controversial, judgmental or accusatory. On the contrary. The story in the book told the truth while focusing on areas of mutual agreement, the six crucial points that most every parent would want to get across.
While my husband was angry with me for initiating our divorce, he understood that the point of our storybook was not to air our differences but to show as much support to our son, during this difficult time, as was possible. He agreed the book was well done.
On the evening we set aside, my husband and I sat down with my son and told him we had put together a storybook photo album about our family. He was immediately interested. I started reading aloud. At times I stopped for a moment as we reminisced about a birthday party, vacation or other memorable event mentioned in our story. It felt good to laugh together, even if only briefly, sitting on the sofa as a family for, perhaps, one of the very last times.
As I started reading about changes in the family -- the tensions, disagreements, and sad times -- I watched as tears pooled up in my son's eyes. By the time I reached the end of the story he was weeping uncontrollably and holding on to both of us as tightly as he could.
Then came the inevitable anticipated responses. "NO! You're not getting a divorce. I don't want you to. You can't. It isn't fair." And then, as a family, we talked, cried, hugged, answered questions, repeated answers, reread passages in the book and consoled one another.
The deed was done. It was dreadful to go through. But somehow having the book as an anchor, something to reread, hold on to and keep was helpful for my son. We had the conversation about the impending divorce many, many times in the following weeks and even after the divorce itself.
Sometimes we'd refer back to a page or two in the book as a reminder that Mom and Dad will still love him forever and that everything will be okay.
The book also helped me and my husband to keep a perspective about our son. To remember that this was not about good guys and bad guys, judgments and accusations. People and situations change. Life evolves. And beyond our differences, our frustrations and disappointments, we were still both his Mom and Dad and always will be. Therefore we needed to treat each other with dignity and respect.
It has been more than a decade since I prepared that storybook about our family. I have since remarried and my son has graduated college and embarked on an exciting career as a veterinarian. As a grown young man in his twenties he is very close to both his father and me.
And he tells us, much as he hated our decision at the time, he now believes we were wise to get a divorce and move on with our lives, both of us choosing more suitable mates. When I approached him with my idea about sharing our family storybook with others who are facing divorce and emotionally torn up about how to tell their children, he enthusiastically agreed that it was a great idea.
Whether you use the storybook template in my new book, or create one yourself from the concepts I've shared in this article, I know it will be a resource you can turn to when expressing your love for your children as you move through divorce and beyond. At this difficult time in the life of your family, I send you my heartfelt compassion and my very best wishes for the most positive and peaceful resolution for everyone involved.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, has been facilitating relationship seminars and workshops for more than fifteen years. As a Certified Corporate Trainer and professional speaker, she now focuses her attention on coaching troubled families on how to create a "child-centered divorce." For other free articles on this subject, to receive her free ezine, and/or to order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide ™ to preparing your children -- with love, Rosalind invites you to visit her website, http://www.childcentereddivorce.com © Rosalind Sedacca 2007 All rights reserved.
To take your online parenting class court mandated for divorce or separation go to www.childsharing.com
Author: Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Date: 2007
I've faced many difficult moments in my life. Who hasn't? But preparing to tell my son that I will bedivorcing his father was absolutely one of the worst. Thinking about breaking the news filled me with dread, not to mention gut-wrenching fear … anxiety … incredible guilt … and the oppressive weight of shame.
My son, after all, was innocent. A sweet, dear soul who loved his father and mother both. He certainly didn't deserve this.
I struggled with the anxiety for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY? How do you explain to your child that the life he has known, the comfort he has felt in his family setting, is about to be disrupted - changed - forever? How do you explain to your child that none of this is his fault?
How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe, cared for and loved, even after his parents divorce? And, even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns looming ahead when you're not sure yourself how it will all turn out?
I needed a plan. A strategy. A way of conveying all that I wanted to say to him at a level of understanding that he could grasp. My son was eleven at the time. He was still a child, yet old enough to feel the tension in our home that had been escalating for several years. He heard the frequent irritation in our voices when his
father and I spoke. He heard the arguments that would flair up suddenly in the midst of routine conversations. He heard the sarcastic inflections in our communication as well as the deafening silence when we were beyond words and engulfed in our frustration and anger.
Silently, internally, my son was experiencing it all and, not surprisingly, be began to show signs of stress. Sometimes it came in the form of headaches which had been increasing in frequency over the past two years. Other times it was his tears that revealed the pain he felt at hearing what he heard and being helpless to stop it. Many times he acted out, showing us his escalating temper, taking attention away from our drama and placing it on him. We watched as our son quietly filled up with rage about controlling a situation that was certainly beyond his control!
The most frustrating part of it all is that we knew better, his father and I. We knew better than to fight in front of our son, to allow him to be caught up in our difficulties. But as our unhappiness together grew over time, we lost a handle on what we knew and gave in to what we felt. It was a terrible mistake, one which I will always regret because my innocent child, the being I loved more than anyone in the universe, was paying the price.
I wrote a list for myself of what was most important for me to convey to my son when I -- or both his father and I -- spoke to him. Six points stood out as most essential:
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
YOU ARE AND WILL ALWAYS REMAIN SAFE.
MOM AND DAD WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR PARENTS.
MOM AND DAD WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
THIS IS ABOUT CHANGE, NOT ABOUT BLAME.
THINGS WILL WORK OUT OKAY.
I knew this was vital information I had to get across. But how do I say it? I rehearsed dozens of conversations in my head during those weeks. They seemed awkward. Rehearsed. Insincere.
Nothing felt right or did justice to the importance of this conversation.
Everything I tried brought up more questions than answers. How do I begin? How do I
prepare myself to answer all his questions? How do I cope with the inevitable tears? With his anger and pain? And then what?
One night at 4 a.m., while my troubled mind rehashed my insecurities in bed, a thought came to me that resonated in a powerful way. I remembered that my son always enjoyed looking through the family photo albums, primarily because they were filled with photos of him. He liked seeing his baby pictures and watching himself change as he grew. The albums were like a story book of his life. They kept his attention for long periods of time. They also brought out his curiosity and questions which opened the door to many relaxed family conversations.
What if I prepared a photo album for my son that told the story of our family in pictures and words? And what if it spanned from before he was born right up to the present, preparing him for the new changes ahead?
The storybook concept gave him something tangible he could hold on to and read over again and again to help him grasp what was about to transpire. It would explain, in language he could understand, why this was happening and what to expect. Most important of all, it would be a format that allowed me to make sure I emphasized the six crucial points I knew I had to get across to him.
And, rather than rehearsing a conversation that felt like a mine-field of possible mistakes and detours, the storybook would give me a written, pre-planned script, that was well thought through in advance. Thankfully, it worked.
When the storybook was completed I showed it to my husband. It was important to me that we both agreed upon the message we were conveying to our child. What I said was not controversial, judgmental or accusatory. On the contrary. The story in the book told the truth while focusing on areas of mutual agreement, the six crucial points that most every parent would want to get across.
While my husband was angry with me for initiating our divorce, he understood that the point of our storybook was not to air our differences but to show as much support to our son, during this difficult time, as was possible. He agreed the book was well done.
On the evening we set aside, my husband and I sat down with my son and told him we had put together a storybook photo album about our family. He was immediately interested. I started reading aloud. At times I stopped for a moment as we reminisced about a birthday party, vacation or other memorable event mentioned in our story. It felt good to laugh together, even if only briefly, sitting on the sofa as a family for, perhaps, one of the very last times.
As I started reading about changes in the family -- the tensions, disagreements, and sad times -- I watched as tears pooled up in my son's eyes. By the time I reached the end of the story he was weeping uncontrollably and holding on to both of us as tightly as he could.
Then came the inevitable anticipated responses. "NO! You're not getting a divorce. I don't want you to. You can't. It isn't fair." And then, as a family, we talked, cried, hugged, answered questions, repeated answers, reread passages in the book and consoled one another.
The deed was done. It was dreadful to go through. But somehow having the book as an anchor, something to reread, hold on to and keep was helpful for my son. We had the conversation about the impending divorce many, many times in the following weeks and even after the divorce itself.
Sometimes we'd refer back to a page or two in the book as a reminder that Mom and Dad will still love him forever and that everything will be okay.
The book also helped me and my husband to keep a perspective about our son. To remember that this was not about good guys and bad guys, judgments and accusations. People and situations change. Life evolves. And beyond our differences, our frustrations and disappointments, we were still both his Mom and Dad and always will be. Therefore we needed to treat each other with dignity and respect.
It has been more than a decade since I prepared that storybook about our family. I have since remarried and my son has graduated college and embarked on an exciting career as a veterinarian. As a grown young man in his twenties he is very close to both his father and me.
And he tells us, much as he hated our decision at the time, he now believes we were wise to get a divorce and move on with our lives, both of us choosing more suitable mates. When I approached him with my idea about sharing our family storybook with others who are facing divorce and emotionally torn up about how to tell their children, he enthusiastically agreed that it was a great idea.
Whether you use the storybook template in my new book, or create one yourself from the concepts I've shared in this article, I know it will be a resource you can turn to when expressing your love for your children as you move through divorce and beyond. At this difficult time in the life of your family, I send you my heartfelt compassion and my very best wishes for the most positive and peaceful resolution for everyone involved.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, has been facilitating relationship seminars and workshops for more than fifteen years. As a Certified Corporate Trainer and professional speaker, she now focuses her attention on coaching troubled families on how to create a "child-centered divorce." For other free articles on this subject, to receive her free ezine, and/or to order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide ™ to preparing your children -- with love, Rosalind invites you to visit her website, http://www.childcentereddivorce.com © Rosalind Sedacca 2007 All rights reserved.
To take your online parenting class court mandated for divorce or separation go to www.childsharing.com
Sunday, February 8, 2009
300 Helpful Divorce Articles
I ran across this link today and wanted to share it because I feel like it will hit on a lot of issues that may be related to any one of us - I will also paste the link on http://www.childsharing.com/ResourceCenter/Articles.aspx - There are rules on divorce recovery, dating again after divorce, divorce tips and other common problems that may occur during divorce.
Happy reading and let me know what your favorite article was.
www.childsharing.com
Divorce Recovery Site Map
Over 300 Helpful Divorce Articles, Lessons, Tips and Tools to "Move On" From Divorce
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/site_map.html
Happy reading and let me know what your favorite article was.
www.childsharing.com
Divorce Recovery Site Map
Over 300 Helpful Divorce Articles, Lessons, Tips and Tools to "Move On" From Divorce
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/site_map.html
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