A recent study shows that parents are somewhat more likely to get divorced -- if their first child is a girl! So says an article written by veteran newspaper editor and reporter Don Moore, recently retired from the Port Charlotte, FL Sun-Herald. He talks about a report produced by Dr. Enrico Moretti, an economics professor at the University of California, Berkeley and Dr. Gordon Dahl, professor of economics at the University of California, San Diego.
Their report, "The Demand for Sons," appeared in a recent edition of "The Review of Economic Studies." Your divorce rate increases approximately four percent if you have a daughter as a first child instead of a son," Moretti says.
"We did compare families who had two daughters with families that had two sons. What we discovered was that a couple with two daughters is more likely to have a third child trying to have a son," Moretti explained.
The professor said he didn't believe there is any difference between races, but it's hard to compare divorce rates across races.
He also added that, "Women whose first child is a boy are four percent more likely to remain married than those whose first child is a girl. In general, the better the woman's education, the later the fertility, the lower the divorce rate."
The 50-page study on gender and divorce also found that a first-born daughter is significantly less likely to be living with their father compared to a first-born son.
The three reasons for this conclusion include:
1. Women who have daughters first are less likely to be married.
2. Parents with first born daughters are more likely to be divorced.
3. Fathers are more likely to obtain custody of a son than a daughter.
"The effect is quantitatively substantial, accounting for a 3.1 percent lower probability of a resident father for families with a first-born girl. We estimate that in any given year (in the U.S.) roughly 52,000 first-born daughters under the age of 12 would have had a resident father if they had been boys," the report says.
The article says there are other statistical differences caused by families with first-born daughters. These families have lower incomes and higher poverty rates. "For children in families with an absentee father due to the first-born daughter effect, family income is reduced by 50 percent and the chances of poverty are increased by 34 percent. Notably, children whose first-born sibling is a girl have lower educational achievement," the study indicates.
Professor Alan Booth, a professor of sociology, human development and demography at Pennsylvania State University, generally agreed with most of Moretti's and Dahl's findings. "I know this to be true. Families that have a boy as a first child are more likely to stay together than if their first child is a female," Professor Booth said. "Gender bias in the U.S. favors boys."
According to Dr. Booth, one of the reasons married couples prefer boys in the U.S. is that when they grow up they are more likely to make more money than girls. Another factor affecting economics is that couples whose first two children are girls are more likely to have a third child than if they have two boys.
This may come as a surprise to many of us who thought that gender bias on this level was unlikely in America. Dr. Booth does go on to say, "More recently the gender preference in the U.S. is beginning to be more positive for girls. This is because there are more women in the labor force today, women are more independent today than they once were, and women's attitudes are less traditional and there are also other factors involved."
I don't know if any of these statistics are relevant to the divorces of any of my readers. But I thought I'd share this as a point for conversation and introspection. Would your marital circumstances be any different today had your children been of a different gender? Would your relationship have been different? What about your financial circumstances? Something to contemplate.
As always, I welcome your feedback.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca,CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! which can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Her free articles and ezine are available at www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Copyright Rosalind Sedacca 2009
Showing posts with label Divorce for Parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Divorce for Parents. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
ChildSharing, Inc Provides $10 Off Classes for Parents During National Child-Centered Divorce
The third annual recognition of National Child-Centered Divorce Month is being launched with complimentary gifts for parents throughout the month of July.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
PRLog (Press Release) – Jul 01, 2009 – Divorce book author, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month. “These weeks are dedicated to helping parents make the best possible decisions regarding their children during and after a divorce.”
To help spread the word throughout North America, ChildSharing, Inc. ,along with a group of other leading divorce experts, will be providing free ebooks, coaching sessions and other complimentary gifts for divorcing and divorced parents throughout July.
As a participant, ChildSharing, Inc. will be offering a $10 discount during the month of July, to individuals in an effort to better educate divorcing/separating parents who have been court ordered to attend a parenting program
Julie Johnson, ChildSharing, Inc.’s Vice President, says “We are happy to be supporting National Child Centered Divorce Month in an effort to bring about more awareness of the children and their specific needs. Cost-effective educational programs to aid parents in today’s economy is ever present. As counties across the nation adopt new processes and procedures and become aware of advancing technologies, we are happy to provide both counties and residents new alternatives to meet the changing demand. ChildSharing is a cost effective and efficient solution to meeting the court mandated parent education requirement.”
“I am thrilled to have an award winning website such as ChildSharing.com participating with us during National Child-Centered Divorce Month,” adds Sedacca. “This website and resource is a welcome addition to our outstanding team of participants.”
Parents can access all the divorce and parenting-related gifts by visiting http://www.ChildSharing.com/ChildCenteredDivorceMonth where they can click on descriptions of each item as well as background information about each expert.
To learn more about the free teleseminar series and other activities connected with National Child-Centered Divorce Month visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com or www.childsharing.com/ChildCenteredDivorceMonth. Media are invited to contact Sedacca directly at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com.
Media interested in scheduling an interview with ChildSharing, Inc. representatives regarding its online program should contact Julie Johnson in the development planning office at: 949-275-3127 or Julie@ChildSharing.com.
# # #
Founded in 2008, ChildSharing, Inc. is dedicated to advancing the field of child-sharing as a means of better educating families faced with divorce. Guided by a strong development team, ChildSharing works with experts throughout the United States to provide its members with the most comprehensive information and other resources for educating families in transition. For more information about ChildSharing, Inc and its team of experts, visit http://www.ChildSharing.com.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
PRLog (Press Release) – Jul 01, 2009 – Divorce book author, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month. “These weeks are dedicated to helping parents make the best possible decisions regarding their children during and after a divorce.”
To help spread the word throughout North America, ChildSharing, Inc. ,along with a group of other leading divorce experts, will be providing free ebooks, coaching sessions and other complimentary gifts for divorcing and divorced parents throughout July.
As a participant, ChildSharing, Inc. will be offering a $10 discount during the month of July, to individuals in an effort to better educate divorcing/separating parents who have been court ordered to attend a parenting program
Julie Johnson, ChildSharing, Inc.’s Vice President, says “We are happy to be supporting National Child Centered Divorce Month in an effort to bring about more awareness of the children and their specific needs. Cost-effective educational programs to aid parents in today’s economy is ever present. As counties across the nation adopt new processes and procedures and become aware of advancing technologies, we are happy to provide both counties and residents new alternatives to meet the changing demand. ChildSharing is a cost effective and efficient solution to meeting the court mandated parent education requirement.”
“I am thrilled to have an award winning website such as ChildSharing.com participating with us during National Child-Centered Divorce Month,” adds Sedacca. “This website and resource is a welcome addition to our outstanding team of participants.”
Parents can access all the divorce and parenting-related gifts by visiting http://www.ChildSharing.com/ChildCenteredDivorceMonth where they can click on descriptions of each item as well as background information about each expert.
To learn more about the free teleseminar series and other activities connected with National Child-Centered Divorce Month visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com or www.childsharing.com/ChildCenteredDivorceMonth. Media are invited to contact Sedacca directly at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com.
Media interested in scheduling an interview with ChildSharing, Inc. representatives regarding its online program should contact Julie Johnson in the development planning office at: 949-275-3127 or Julie@ChildSharing.com.
# # #
Founded in 2008, ChildSharing, Inc. is dedicated to advancing the field of child-sharing as a means of better educating families faced with divorce. Guided by a strong development team, ChildSharing works with experts throughout the United States to provide its members with the most comprehensive information and other resources for educating families in transition. For more information about ChildSharing, Inc and its team of experts, visit http://www.ChildSharing.com.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
National Child-Centered Divorce Month
West Palm Beach, FL: The third annual National Child-Centered Divorce Month, taking place throughout July, will be launched with a series of complimentary teleseminars and bonus gifts for parents.
Divorce book author, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, a certified corporate trainer recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month. "These weeks are dedicated to helping parents make the best possible decisions regarding their children during and after a divorce"
To help spread the word throughout North America a series of free teleseminars are being offered for parents, educators and others who care about these issues. "Leading professionals within the "peaceful divorce" community will be presenting vital information parents can immediately put to use as they transition through and beyond divorce," says Sedacca, who is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network.
The schedule of teleseminar topics and dates will be announced shortly.
On July 1st, the website, www.childsharing.com will be providing a link to free ebooks, coaching sessions and other complimentary gifts for divorcing and divorced parents throughout July.
Professionals who share Sedacca's concerns, including therapists, attorneys, mediators, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and others, will be providing articles, interviews, seminars, coaching sessions and other events geared toward helping parents create a peaceful and successful Child-Centered Divorce in the months and years following divorce. Their message: Regardless of your own emotional state, think first about your children's emotional and psychological needs when making decisions related to divorce or separation.
"While our divorce legal system needs considerable reform, it is also essential for us to bring a heightened awareness to parents about their responsibility to their children's well-being before, during and after divorce," says Sedacca, who is the author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!
"Parenting is a life-long process, even when you get a divorce," she adds. "We need to provide better resources and teach better coping skills to parents so they can understand the short- and long-term effects of divorce upon their children"
Parents, the media and divorce professionals interested in learning more about activities related to National Child-Centered Divorce Month can learn more at: www.childcentereddivorce.com, www.childsharing.com and www.childcentereddivorce.blogspot.com. Media are invited to contact Sedacca directly at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com.
Rosalind Sedacca
Pressident
Child-Centered Divorce Network
Boynton Beach, FL
561-742-3537
561 742-3537
www.ChildSharing.com
Divorce book author, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, a certified corporate trainer recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month. "These weeks are dedicated to helping parents make the best possible decisions regarding their children during and after a divorce"
To help spread the word throughout North America a series of free teleseminars are being offered for parents, educators and others who care about these issues. "Leading professionals within the "peaceful divorce" community will be presenting vital information parents can immediately put to use as they transition through and beyond divorce," says Sedacca, who is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network.
The schedule of teleseminar topics and dates will be announced shortly.
On July 1st, the website, www.childsharing.com will be providing a link to free ebooks, coaching sessions and other complimentary gifts for divorcing and divorced parents throughout July.
Professionals who share Sedacca's concerns, including therapists, attorneys, mediators, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and others, will be providing articles, interviews, seminars, coaching sessions and other events geared toward helping parents create a peaceful and successful Child-Centered Divorce in the months and years following divorce. Their message: Regardless of your own emotional state, think first about your children's emotional and psychological needs when making decisions related to divorce or separation.
"While our divorce legal system needs considerable reform, it is also essential for us to bring a heightened awareness to parents about their responsibility to their children's well-being before, during and after divorce," says Sedacca, who is the author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!
"Parenting is a life-long process, even when you get a divorce," she adds. "We need to provide better resources and teach better coping skills to parents so they can understand the short- and long-term effects of divorce upon their children"
Parents, the media and divorce professionals interested in learning more about activities related to National Child-Centered Divorce Month can learn more at: www.childcentereddivorce.com, www.childsharing.com and www.childcentereddivorce.blogspot.com. Media are invited to contact Sedacca directly at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com.
Rosalind Sedacca
Pressident
Child-Centered Divorce Network
Boynton Beach, FL
561-742-3537
561 742-3537
www.ChildSharing.com
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Divorce Poll Results for Boomers Shows Need for Coping & Communication Skills
A first-of-its-kind national poll to determine if a consensus exists about how divorced baby boomers are holding up was conducted by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center].
Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.
1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?
Results:
Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).
The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people’s lives.
Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:
• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.
While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own” and “not growing old with my husband."
While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."
A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.
The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization.
So what does this poll mean for those who provide services to divorcing couples? How can we help ease the emotional turmoil especially when children are involved? These are some of the questions we hope to discuss through interviews and the free teleseminar series taking place during National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July.
We encourage media contact, questions and exploration of new alternatives available especially for parents as they move through the divorce maze.
To learn more about National Child-Centered Divorce Month contact Rosalind Sedacca at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Posted: www.ChildSharing.com
Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.
1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?
Results:
Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).
The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people’s lives.
Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:
• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.
While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own” and “not growing old with my husband."
While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."
A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.
The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization.
So what does this poll mean for those who provide services to divorcing couples? How can we help ease the emotional turmoil especially when children are involved? These are some of the questions we hope to discuss through interviews and the free teleseminar series taking place during National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July.
We encourage media contact, questions and exploration of new alternatives available especially for parents as they move through the divorce maze.
To learn more about National Child-Centered Divorce Month contact Rosalind Sedacca at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Posted: www.ChildSharing.com
Monday, April 27, 2009
Life After Divorce: Your New Reality
Life After Divorce: Your New Reality
What do you think of people who are detached from reality? People that are seemingly living in a world of their own making? It’s unnerving to say the least as well as truly sad. Yet for those of us attempting to recover from a divorce, our inability to fully accept our new reality is not too far removed from living in a fantasy world.
Non-acceptance of what our life is right here and now is the biggest obstacle to letting go and moving on after divorce. Initially I believe this is due to denial, which is part of the grieving phase that follows any major loss in life. Unfortunately, all too many of us stay in this state way beyond the end of this grieving phase. We continue to deny our present reality. We refuse to accept what our lives are now. We yearn for what was or what we think should or could be, all of which are fantasy. The only thing that exists for us is the here and now, the present.
I want to liken this to the process of aging. In the past couple of years, I have moved into my late 50’s. As a former member of the counter-culture, I have always seen and experienced myself as much younger than my chronological age. After all, in another life I was a rock and roll DJ! Note please how I refer to that stage as another life. Luckily I don’t look my age, that is from the neck up! The signs of my true age are now evident on this body.
I remember about twenty years ago being at my mother-in-laws and seeing a friend of hers who I now recognize as having been my present age. She was dressed in a revealing dress and as I noticed her sagging skin, I thought to myself how unattractive it looked. Guess what? I have that same skin now. I can wish that I had the skin of a thirty year old but that will never be. If I adopt that attitude of non-acceptance, looking in a mirror will fill me with regret and resentment. The other choice, and really the only viable choice, is to fully embrace this new phase of my life and revel in my new reality: a much wiser and experienced woman who is a beautiful fifty- something. If I choose the former, I lose out on all that life has to offer me now and remain stuck in a past that no longer exists! If I choose acceptance, I can take advantage of what my life has to offer me now and not lose out on any new opportunities or possibilities.
You are getting divorced or you are divorced. That is what is, that is your only reality. Whatever went before is gone and can never be retrieved. You really need to get this because until you are willing to be fully conscious of what your life is now and accept it for what it is, you are going to stay stuck in pain and regret. You are going to give up the pleasure of living life to it’s fullest. You are going to give up on all of life’s sweet moments. You are going to give up happiness, success and fulfillment. You are going to give up on life. Are you willing to pay that price?
What is it that holds us back from acceptance? My gut feeling, as well as my experience coaching other women to acceptance, is the culprit is fear. Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger. Our fears lie in the unknown. What has already happened does not provoke fear. It is the not knowing that frightens us. Uncertainty. What if I cannot take care of my children and myself? What if I am alone for the rest of my life? What if I am never happy again? What if I end up a bag lady? What if the sky falls?
What can we do about uncertainty? Sorry but there is not much we can do with not knowing what comes next. No one on this earth can predict the future. This is another aspect of reality that calls for our acceptance. Real courage and wisdom is the ability to be okay with not knowing. After all, what is the choice when you cannot possibly know what the future holds? The very nature of life is uncertainty.
How can be best live in an uncertain world? Well, we know that being in fear of not knowing is not the answer so how about the opposite? What is we were able to hold the belief that everything will work for us? What if we were to believe that everything happens for a reason? What if we were to believe that there are new and exciting opportunities and possibilities opening up for us now in this new phase of life? What if life will work out and we will be happy and fulfilled? What if this divorce is just what we needed to get back into life? What if?
Look, you get to choose: fear or a belief in a better future. One viewpoint will keep you stuck and one will serve you well. A simple shift in perspective or attitude can work miracles. Our attitudes not only change the way we think, they change our reality. Don’t believe me? Try it on yourself. It is the old power of positive thinking. I am not suggesting taking on a Pollyanna-ish persona but I am suggesting that you take a good hard look at your prevailing attitude on life. If it ain’t working, change it!
It is not only our fear of uncertainty that keeps us from acceptance but also our unrealistic expectations of life that get in our way. You may or may not be conscious of your expectations but they are there and they bite you in the behind all the time. If you feel that life isn’t fair, you have unrealistic expectations of life. If you feel that your ex should be a certain way, you have unrealistic expectations of life? If you think that life should not include difficult times, that’s right…big time, unrealistic and totally unenforceable expectations that set you up for disappointment, resentment and unhappiness. Get real and recognize life for what it really is. It is not all hearts and flowers. It is not always fair. It is what it is! Quit setting yourself up.
Examine and manage your unrealistic and unenforceable expectations. Know what you can and cannot control vis- a -vis these expectations as that is what makes them unenforceable. Learn to make uncertainty without fear a part of living. Learn to believe in your future instead of fearing it. Learn to accept life as it is instead of as you think it should be. Live in reality instead of fantasy. Honor yourself and commit to your life. Us this divorce as a catalyst for a better life. Go for it!
Shelley Stile is a Divorce Recovery Life Coach who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley works with clients on the telephone so you can be anywhere and be coached. She also holds Tele-
Seminars and publishes powerful e-books on life after divorce. She is a member of the International Coaches Federation, the governing body for Life Coaching. Shelley trained with the Coaches Training Institute and the Ford Institute for Integrative Coaching’s Spiritual Divorce Recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and receive her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com or contact Shelley at
shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com to schedule a free consultation and sample session of divorce coaching..
What do you think of people who are detached from reality? People that are seemingly living in a world of their own making? It’s unnerving to say the least as well as truly sad. Yet for those of us attempting to recover from a divorce, our inability to fully accept our new reality is not too far removed from living in a fantasy world.
Non-acceptance of what our life is right here and now is the biggest obstacle to letting go and moving on after divorce. Initially I believe this is due to denial, which is part of the grieving phase that follows any major loss in life. Unfortunately, all too many of us stay in this state way beyond the end of this grieving phase. We continue to deny our present reality. We refuse to accept what our lives are now. We yearn for what was or what we think should or could be, all of which are fantasy. The only thing that exists for us is the here and now, the present.
I want to liken this to the process of aging. In the past couple of years, I have moved into my late 50’s. As a former member of the counter-culture, I have always seen and experienced myself as much younger than my chronological age. After all, in another life I was a rock and roll DJ! Note please how I refer to that stage as another life. Luckily I don’t look my age, that is from the neck up! The signs of my true age are now evident on this body.
I remember about twenty years ago being at my mother-in-laws and seeing a friend of hers who I now recognize as having been my present age. She was dressed in a revealing dress and as I noticed her sagging skin, I thought to myself how unattractive it looked. Guess what? I have that same skin now. I can wish that I had the skin of a thirty year old but that will never be. If I adopt that attitude of non-acceptance, looking in a mirror will fill me with regret and resentment. The other choice, and really the only viable choice, is to fully embrace this new phase of my life and revel in my new reality: a much wiser and experienced woman who is a beautiful fifty- something. If I choose the former, I lose out on all that life has to offer me now and remain stuck in a past that no longer exists! If I choose acceptance, I can take advantage of what my life has to offer me now and not lose out on any new opportunities or possibilities.
You are getting divorced or you are divorced. That is what is, that is your only reality. Whatever went before is gone and can never be retrieved. You really need to get this because until you are willing to be fully conscious of what your life is now and accept it for what it is, you are going to stay stuck in pain and regret. You are going to give up the pleasure of living life to it’s fullest. You are going to give up on all of life’s sweet moments. You are going to give up happiness, success and fulfillment. You are going to give up on life. Are you willing to pay that price?
What is it that holds us back from acceptance? My gut feeling, as well as my experience coaching other women to acceptance, is the culprit is fear. Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger. Our fears lie in the unknown. What has already happened does not provoke fear. It is the not knowing that frightens us. Uncertainty. What if I cannot take care of my children and myself? What if I am alone for the rest of my life? What if I am never happy again? What if I end up a bag lady? What if the sky falls?
What can we do about uncertainty? Sorry but there is not much we can do with not knowing what comes next. No one on this earth can predict the future. This is another aspect of reality that calls for our acceptance. Real courage and wisdom is the ability to be okay with not knowing. After all, what is the choice when you cannot possibly know what the future holds? The very nature of life is uncertainty.
How can be best live in an uncertain world? Well, we know that being in fear of not knowing is not the answer so how about the opposite? What is we were able to hold the belief that everything will work for us? What if we were to believe that everything happens for a reason? What if we were to believe that there are new and exciting opportunities and possibilities opening up for us now in this new phase of life? What if life will work out and we will be happy and fulfilled? What if this divorce is just what we needed to get back into life? What if?
Look, you get to choose: fear or a belief in a better future. One viewpoint will keep you stuck and one will serve you well. A simple shift in perspective or attitude can work miracles. Our attitudes not only change the way we think, they change our reality. Don’t believe me? Try it on yourself. It is the old power of positive thinking. I am not suggesting taking on a Pollyanna-ish persona but I am suggesting that you take a good hard look at your prevailing attitude on life. If it ain’t working, change it!
It is not only our fear of uncertainty that keeps us from acceptance but also our unrealistic expectations of life that get in our way. You may or may not be conscious of your expectations but they are there and they bite you in the behind all the time. If you feel that life isn’t fair, you have unrealistic expectations of life. If you feel that your ex should be a certain way, you have unrealistic expectations of life? If you think that life should not include difficult times, that’s right…big time, unrealistic and totally unenforceable expectations that set you up for disappointment, resentment and unhappiness. Get real and recognize life for what it really is. It is not all hearts and flowers. It is not always fair. It is what it is! Quit setting yourself up.
Examine and manage your unrealistic and unenforceable expectations. Know what you can and cannot control vis- a -vis these expectations as that is what makes them unenforceable. Learn to make uncertainty without fear a part of living. Learn to believe in your future instead of fearing it. Learn to accept life as it is instead of as you think it should be. Live in reality instead of fantasy. Honor yourself and commit to your life. Us this divorce as a catalyst for a better life. Go for it!
Shelley Stile is a Divorce Recovery Life Coach who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley works with clients on the telephone so you can be anywhere and be coached. She also holds Tele-
Seminars and publishes powerful e-books on life after divorce. She is a member of the International Coaches Federation, the governing body for Life Coaching. Shelley trained with the Coaches Training Institute and the Ford Institute for Integrative Coaching’s Spiritual Divorce Recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and receive her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com or contact Shelley at
shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com to schedule a free consultation and sample session of divorce coaching..
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