The weight of consequences for misbehavior always needs to be commensurate to the intent behind that behavior.
A teen who periodically comes home fifteen minutes late is probably displaying immaturity and impulsiveness, not rebellion. That teen needs more reminders and perhaps an earlier curfew. On the other hand, a teen who consistently comes home late with the attitude, “No one is telling me what to do!” needs to experience stronger consequences. That’s when taking away car privileges or grounding him would be appropriate.
It’s important for parents to differentiate between willful and accidental disobedience and assign consequences appropriately. Consequences can correct behavior, but basing them on the wrong intent can lead to more serious problems.
©2011 Mark Gregston www.parentingtodaysteens.org.
Showing posts with label Court Mandated Parenting Class. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Court Mandated Parenting Class. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Discipline and Teenagers
A few years ago my mother said, “You know, you boys weren’t disciplined a whole lot growing up.” I looked at my brother and he looked at me. For a brief moment we wondered if Alzheimer’s was setting in. That’s sure not the way we remember it!
Now I’m not saying we didn’t deserve it…in fact we probably deserved more than we got. But while there was indeed discipline, the style of discipline that we received from our father made it less effective than it could have been. His style was to simply whack us when we got out of line. Along with it came a lot of anger and yelling, and the whole family got upset.
As was common when I was growing up, Dad approached discipline like he was taught in the military. His militaristic approach was not just with discipline but with parenting in general. He didn’t dare talk back to his drill sergeant, nor should we dare to talk back to him — or say anything. His drill sergeant hadn’t been concerned about his feelings, so why should he consider ours? He was a good man who worked hard to provide for his family. But his military training also shaped his style of parenting and discipline.
Today, parents are much more relational, and that’s mostly a good thing; however, when it comes to discipline, relational parenting can pose some obstacles if discipline is set aside. It’s hard to discipline someone who looks at you through tear-filled eyes and says, “I love you. How could you do this to me?” But for kids, if breaking a rule doesn’t have consequences that hurt worse than the pleasure they gained from it, they’ll likely continue that behavior.
Teens today both need and actually desire discipline (although most of them would rather die than admit it). Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful; later on however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” In other words, your kids will someday appreciate that you held the line, and more so if you did it in a way that maintained your relationship. And they’ll end up passing down to their kids (your grandkids) the right way to discipline. So, let me answer some basic questions about discipline and hopefully give you a better grasp on it, particularly when it comes to disciplining teens.
What is the purpose of discipline?
Discipline is helping your child get to a place where they want to be and keeping them from a place where they don’t want to end up. Sometimes we struggle with discipline because we lose sight of that underlying purpose. If your child understands that you are disciplining them for their own good, they will ultimately understand. They won’t like the consequences, and may get upset with you temporarily, but they will come to realize that they are bringing the consequences upon themselves, and that’s when their behavior changes.
I’m very upfront with the young people I work with at Heartlight about our rules and how things are going to be done. I know going in that most of these teens are not happy to be living with us in our residential program. So, from the very first day I strive to build a relationship—to let them know that everything that happens is for them, not for me. If I can convince them that the rules and punishments are in their best interests and for their own good, we’re a long way down the road to success. And to offset any thought that discipline is a quick and easy solution for us, our policy is that if the teen has to do extra chores or is grounded to the house, the staff are there right with them, shoulder to shoulder. It is as inconvenient and painful for us as it is for them. We use it as a time to build relationship, and we find that the kids often open up and deal with some issues in their life even as they are being disciplined.
Why do some parents punish in anger?
Kids want most of all to have a good relationship with their parents, so parents can get the wrong idea to use that as a means of punishment, but it is never advised. I’ve seen it firsthand when I was growing up. My father would correct us boys by blowing his top. Again, Dad was a good man, but his discipline in many ways was selfish. He felt better after exploding because he had a chance to get over his frustration, but because it was done in anger, it didn’t serve the purpose of helping me get to where I needed to go. It just taught me to avoid him and never get caught.
It is never effective to use negative emotions, to make idle threats, or to hold your relationship hostage as a means of changing your child’s behavior. I’ve learned it works best to try to do just the opposite with the teens I work with. I make light of their error and I use it as an opportunity to talk. It breaks the tension and they learn that their error doesn’t affect our relationship; but they also learn pretty quickly that I never back down on the consequences, no matter how much they bargain, shift blame or plead.
So, keep the anger out of your discipline. If you are harried or upset and cannot deal with a problem without anger at the moment, ask your spouse to deal with it; or tell your teen that you will talk about the consequences for their behavior at a later appointed time (then don’t forget to keep that appointment).
What do I do if I’m afraid to discipline my child?
This is really two different questions. First, if you’re afraid to discipline because you’re afraid of losing your relationship, let me encourage you—you won’t. Proper discipline won’t destroy a relationship, it will strengthen it. Here’s a piece of counsel I often give to parents: “They’ll get over it.” I’m not saying they will like the discipline process (nor should they), but they will not be driven away by it as long as it is fair, reasonable and expected.
On the other hand if you’re afraid to discipline because you’re afraid of your child or what they may do, I suggest you get outside help immediately. Do not allow your child to physically or emotionally intimidate or abuse you…ever. Backing down due to a teenager’s intimidation is teaching the exact wrong lesson, and it sets them up for failure in life and other relationships. If things get physical or threatening, something is seriously wrong. Sometimes it can be a sign that either drugs or alcohol is involved. If the threats take the form of a child claiming they’ll commit suicide, take it seriously and get them admitted to the hospital. If they threaten to run away, there’s ultimately not much you can do about that, so backing down will only cause them to use that as their intimidation again and again. A child should never be allowed to intimidate or threaten a parent.
How should I view pain in the context of discipline?
Pain is very difficult to experience, and it is also very difficult to impose on someone else. But pain plays a vital role in forcing someone to re-evaluate their conduct. As I’ve said, “Your child will continue on the path of inappropriate behavior until the pain of those actions is greater than the pain they get from them.” You have to attach consequences to that behavior so that they realize it isn’t the path to where they want to go. Of course I’m not talking about physical pain (not for teenagers), but there needs to be painful consequences tied to wrongful conduct, such as losing freedoms or privileges for a specified time, and adding chores.
What would other parents tell you about discipline, if they could do their parenting over?
Probably the number one error I hear from parents of teens who are spinning out of control is simply this: “I failed to follow through.” If you threaten consequences but don’t deliver, not only are you effectively lying to your child, but you are giving them the worst of both worlds. You may think you are building a relationship that way—to let them off the hook—but in reality you are tearing it down. They will lose respect for you, and they’ll fail to learn a critical lesson as well. In a world that has fewer borders than ever before, teens long for the stability and structure that enforced rules provide for their lives.
God has called us as parents to play a crucial role in the lives of our children. There are many wonderful and happy times in that process, and some difficult ones as well. If I could leave you with one last word of advice, I’d encourage you to view the discipline process as a vital investment rather than an unpleasant event to be avoided if possible. If done right and without anger, it can build relationship, not tear it down. Develop and communicate your rules and consequences so your teen knows what to expect, and then make them stick, without wavering. You—and your child—will be eternally glad you did.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our radio program last week called “Teens and Discipline.” To listen online, look for the program dated June 4, 2011 at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com.
Now I’m not saying we didn’t deserve it…in fact we probably deserved more than we got. But while there was indeed discipline, the style of discipline that we received from our father made it less effective than it could have been. His style was to simply whack us when we got out of line. Along with it came a lot of anger and yelling, and the whole family got upset.
As was common when I was growing up, Dad approached discipline like he was taught in the military. His militaristic approach was not just with discipline but with parenting in general. He didn’t dare talk back to his drill sergeant, nor should we dare to talk back to him — or say anything. His drill sergeant hadn’t been concerned about his feelings, so why should he consider ours? He was a good man who worked hard to provide for his family. But his military training also shaped his style of parenting and discipline.
Today, parents are much more relational, and that’s mostly a good thing; however, when it comes to discipline, relational parenting can pose some obstacles if discipline is set aside. It’s hard to discipline someone who looks at you through tear-filled eyes and says, “I love you. How could you do this to me?” But for kids, if breaking a rule doesn’t have consequences that hurt worse than the pleasure they gained from it, they’ll likely continue that behavior.
Teens today both need and actually desire discipline (although most of them would rather die than admit it). Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful; later on however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” In other words, your kids will someday appreciate that you held the line, and more so if you did it in a way that maintained your relationship. And they’ll end up passing down to their kids (your grandkids) the right way to discipline. So, let me answer some basic questions about discipline and hopefully give you a better grasp on it, particularly when it comes to disciplining teens.
What is the purpose of discipline?
Discipline is helping your child get to a place where they want to be and keeping them from a place where they don’t want to end up. Sometimes we struggle with discipline because we lose sight of that underlying purpose. If your child understands that you are disciplining them for their own good, they will ultimately understand. They won’t like the consequences, and may get upset with you temporarily, but they will come to realize that they are bringing the consequences upon themselves, and that’s when their behavior changes.
I’m very upfront with the young people I work with at Heartlight about our rules and how things are going to be done. I know going in that most of these teens are not happy to be living with us in our residential program. So, from the very first day I strive to build a relationship—to let them know that everything that happens is for them, not for me. If I can convince them that the rules and punishments are in their best interests and for their own good, we’re a long way down the road to success. And to offset any thought that discipline is a quick and easy solution for us, our policy is that if the teen has to do extra chores or is grounded to the house, the staff are there right with them, shoulder to shoulder. It is as inconvenient and painful for us as it is for them. We use it as a time to build relationship, and we find that the kids often open up and deal with some issues in their life even as they are being disciplined.
Why do some parents punish in anger?
Kids want most of all to have a good relationship with their parents, so parents can get the wrong idea to use that as a means of punishment, but it is never advised. I’ve seen it firsthand when I was growing up. My father would correct us boys by blowing his top. Again, Dad was a good man, but his discipline in many ways was selfish. He felt better after exploding because he had a chance to get over his frustration, but because it was done in anger, it didn’t serve the purpose of helping me get to where I needed to go. It just taught me to avoid him and never get caught.
It is never effective to use negative emotions, to make idle threats, or to hold your relationship hostage as a means of changing your child’s behavior. I’ve learned it works best to try to do just the opposite with the teens I work with. I make light of their error and I use it as an opportunity to talk. It breaks the tension and they learn that their error doesn’t affect our relationship; but they also learn pretty quickly that I never back down on the consequences, no matter how much they bargain, shift blame or plead.
So, keep the anger out of your discipline. If you are harried or upset and cannot deal with a problem without anger at the moment, ask your spouse to deal with it; or tell your teen that you will talk about the consequences for their behavior at a later appointed time (then don’t forget to keep that appointment).
What do I do if I’m afraid to discipline my child?
This is really two different questions. First, if you’re afraid to discipline because you’re afraid of losing your relationship, let me encourage you—you won’t. Proper discipline won’t destroy a relationship, it will strengthen it. Here’s a piece of counsel I often give to parents: “They’ll get over it.” I’m not saying they will like the discipline process (nor should they), but they will not be driven away by it as long as it is fair, reasonable and expected.
On the other hand if you’re afraid to discipline because you’re afraid of your child or what they may do, I suggest you get outside help immediately. Do not allow your child to physically or emotionally intimidate or abuse you…ever. Backing down due to a teenager’s intimidation is teaching the exact wrong lesson, and it sets them up for failure in life and other relationships. If things get physical or threatening, something is seriously wrong. Sometimes it can be a sign that either drugs or alcohol is involved. If the threats take the form of a child claiming they’ll commit suicide, take it seriously and get them admitted to the hospital. If they threaten to run away, there’s ultimately not much you can do about that, so backing down will only cause them to use that as their intimidation again and again. A child should never be allowed to intimidate or threaten a parent.
How should I view pain in the context of discipline?
Pain is very difficult to experience, and it is also very difficult to impose on someone else. But pain plays a vital role in forcing someone to re-evaluate their conduct. As I’ve said, “Your child will continue on the path of inappropriate behavior until the pain of those actions is greater than the pain they get from them.” You have to attach consequences to that behavior so that they realize it isn’t the path to where they want to go. Of course I’m not talking about physical pain (not for teenagers), but there needs to be painful consequences tied to wrongful conduct, such as losing freedoms or privileges for a specified time, and adding chores.
What would other parents tell you about discipline, if they could do their parenting over?
Probably the number one error I hear from parents of teens who are spinning out of control is simply this: “I failed to follow through.” If you threaten consequences but don’t deliver, not only are you effectively lying to your child, but you are giving them the worst of both worlds. You may think you are building a relationship that way—to let them off the hook—but in reality you are tearing it down. They will lose respect for you, and they’ll fail to learn a critical lesson as well. In a world that has fewer borders than ever before, teens long for the stability and structure that enforced rules provide for their lives.
God has called us as parents to play a crucial role in the lives of our children. There are many wonderful and happy times in that process, and some difficult ones as well. If I could leave you with one last word of advice, I’d encourage you to view the discipline process as a vital investment rather than an unpleasant event to be avoided if possible. If done right and without anger, it can build relationship, not tear it down. Develop and communicate your rules and consequences so your teen knows what to expect, and then make them stick, without wavering. You—and your child—will be eternally glad you did.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our radio program last week called “Teens and Discipline.” To listen online, look for the program dated June 4, 2011 at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead?
By Dr. Laura Markham http://ahaparenting.com/
"Want to feel as playful and vibrant as your children? Want to feel an abundance of energy? Want to experience greater clarity in all you do? Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead? Imagine taking care of yourself in all the marvelous ways you take care of others. It makes sense that, if you shifted self-care onto the top of your priority list, you would feel more rested, more centered, more present to your loved ones, more joyful..." -- womansfieldguide.com
Yesterday my weekly newsletter included the article "10 Commitments You Can Make to Become a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!" A number of readers wrote asking me to cover each of these commitments in more detail. Today, we begin with #1:
Commit to taking care of yourself and staying centered so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves.
Nobody is centered all the time. This commitment is about noticing when you get off balance and finding ways to course-correct. Equally important, it's about creating a healthy foundation so the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (and children!) don't faze you. How? Integrate daily sustainable self-nurturing into your life, to keep your mood happy and resourceful:
* Make a list of things that make you feel joyful, and do at least one thing from your Joy list every single day. It can be as simple as a hot bath or as elaborate as getting a sitter so you can spend the evening out.
* Make a list of things you can do with your kids to shift the mood and energy when things get tough: Put on music and dance? Make popcorn? Spend the afternoon snuggling on the couch with a blanket and a pile of books? Get everyone outside for an hour?
* The minute your mood veers from loving to frazzled, stop. Breathe deep. Remind yourself that everything is better when you stay calm. Hug your children and regroup.
* Start going to bed an hour earlier so you're better rested in the morning.
* Notice the times each day that stress you (bedtime? dinner prep? getting dressed?). Write out a routine for that time of day, post it, and keep refining it until you can enjoy it stress-free.
* Figure out healthful snacks and meals that you actually love eating and can prepare quickly.
* Drop the addictions that are sapping your energy (you know what they are) and substitute other ways to recharge your batteries and indulge yourself. Get help if you need to as you break old habits.
* Slow down your pace so you can enjoy your life. Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Just say no to everything you can that doesn’t bring you joy.
* Forget about having a calm and orderly life. (You have kids, right?) Instead, aspire to remain gracious in the face of the unexpected. Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong.
* Adopt a simple mindfulness practice to stay in balance. It can be as simple as putting post-its reminding you to Breathe on your dashboard, mirror, and fridge.
* Transform those inner negative voices in your head into your inner cheerleader and shower yourself with encouragement.
* Forgive yourself every day for all the ways you aren't perfect, and accept yourself, warts and all. Only parents who can make peace with their own imperfection can fully accept and love their children (who are by definition imperfect.)
* Count your blessings and say thank you for everything good in your life, every single day.
Make sure your child gets the best of you, not what's left of you after life wears you down each day. What’s your plan today to fill your own cup with love and joy?
All Rights Reserved: http://ahaparenting.com/
www.ChildSharing.com
By Dr. Laura Markham http://ahaparenting.com/
"Want to feel as playful and vibrant as your children? Want to feel an abundance of energy? Want to experience greater clarity in all you do? Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead? Imagine taking care of yourself in all the marvelous ways you take care of others. It makes sense that, if you shifted self-care onto the top of your priority list, you would feel more rested, more centered, more present to your loved ones, more joyful..." -- womansfieldguide.com
Yesterday my weekly newsletter included the article "10 Commitments You Can Make to Become a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!" A number of readers wrote asking me to cover each of these commitments in more detail. Today, we begin with #1:
Commit to taking care of yourself and staying centered so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves.
Nobody is centered all the time. This commitment is about noticing when you get off balance and finding ways to course-correct. Equally important, it's about creating a healthy foundation so the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (and children!) don't faze you. How? Integrate daily sustainable self-nurturing into your life, to keep your mood happy and resourceful:
* Make a list of things that make you feel joyful, and do at least one thing from your Joy list every single day. It can be as simple as a hot bath or as elaborate as getting a sitter so you can spend the evening out.
* Make a list of things you can do with your kids to shift the mood and energy when things get tough: Put on music and dance? Make popcorn? Spend the afternoon snuggling on the couch with a blanket and a pile of books? Get everyone outside for an hour?
* The minute your mood veers from loving to frazzled, stop. Breathe deep. Remind yourself that everything is better when you stay calm. Hug your children and regroup.
* Start going to bed an hour earlier so you're better rested in the morning.
* Notice the times each day that stress you (bedtime? dinner prep? getting dressed?). Write out a routine for that time of day, post it, and keep refining it until you can enjoy it stress-free.
* Figure out healthful snacks and meals that you actually love eating and can prepare quickly.
* Drop the addictions that are sapping your energy (you know what they are) and substitute other ways to recharge your batteries and indulge yourself. Get help if you need to as you break old habits.
* Slow down your pace so you can enjoy your life. Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Just say no to everything you can that doesn’t bring you joy.
* Forget about having a calm and orderly life. (You have kids, right?) Instead, aspire to remain gracious in the face of the unexpected. Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong.
* Adopt a simple mindfulness practice to stay in balance. It can be as simple as putting post-its reminding you to Breathe on your dashboard, mirror, and fridge.
* Transform those inner negative voices in your head into your inner cheerleader and shower yourself with encouragement.
* Forgive yourself every day for all the ways you aren't perfect, and accept yourself, warts and all. Only parents who can make peace with their own imperfection can fully accept and love their children (who are by definition imperfect.)
* Count your blessings and say thank you for everything good in your life, every single day.
Make sure your child gets the best of you, not what's left of you after life wears you down each day. What’s your plan today to fill your own cup with love and joy?
All Rights Reserved: http://ahaparenting.com/
www.ChildSharing.com
Monday, December 21, 2009
Holiday Survival Guide
Disrupted schedules, traveling with little ones, the crash and burn from all the excitement -- Holidays can easily be a recipe for tears and tantrums. How can parents manage life during the holidays to maximize the joy and minimize the tears? Here, our top ten tips for creating a season of meaning and wonderful memories for yourself and your kids.
1. Keep to your usual schedule as much as possible. Kids need the security of familiar routines. They’re stressed by unfamiliar events and what feels to them like chaotic unpredictability. Do what you can to keep them on schedule and be patient when they get hyped-up or irritable.
2. Give kids plenty of warning about travel and upcoming events so they feel less pushed around and taken by surprise. At the beginning of the holidays, you might use a calendar to show them what will happen each day. (“Then the day before Christmas we leave for Grandma’s, where you’ll get to play with all the cousins.”) Many kids love to make a little book, where each page represents a new day and they draw a picture of what will be happening. Sit down for a snuggle every morning and describe the day ahead.
3. Plan no more than one event per day. If you’re taking the kids to the Christmas pageant in the afternoon, don’t expect them to sit still for dinner at Grandma’s that night. If you’re visiting your inlaws, don’t plan the morning with the cousins and the afternoon at Aunt Betty’s. Kids need downtime, just to chill out, snuggle, and do whatever relaxes them. If they don’t get it, they can’t really be blamed for melting down when the over-stimulation gets to them.
4. Have age-appropriate expectations and plan accordingly. A four year old can’t be expected to sit quietly while you enjoy dinner at the home of your best friend from high school, for instance. If you’re doing a lot of visiting with adults, be sure the kids have something to occupy them. If they can read, buy them a new book for the occasion, one they can’t wait to get into. If they’re too young to stay absorbed in a book, bring a video tape. Be sure your schedule includes visits to the playground or other opportunities for the kids to get some fresh air and physical activity.
If you’re flying with kids, be sure to arrive early enough that they get to “run” a bit in the airport hallway after sitting still in the car and before sitting still on the plane. Special secret for painless flights: Bring small wrapped “presents” – books, treats, chapstick, puzzles, simple crafts – for each child. Kids can look forward to getting one as soon as they’ve buckled their seat belts, and several more whenever you need a distraction mid-flight. Be sure to bring bottles, sugar-free lollipops or something else to suck on during take-off and landing.
5. Coach your kids about the social behavior you expect. Role play with them in the car before you arrive, or make a game of it before you go. “What do you say when Aunt Susie gives you a present?” “What if you don’t like the present?” “What do you when Uncle Norman wants to hug you hello?” “What if you don’t like the dinner that’s served?” “When you want to leave the table, how do you ask?” “What will you do if the cousins start arguing?”
6. Watch your kids’ food intake in the midst of too many treats and hyped-up schedules. Many tantrums originate from hunger. And all parents recognize the sugar high that sends kids bouncing off walls and then crashing into tears. If necessary, speak with your parents in advance about limiting treats. And carry small protein-rich snacks with you so your child doesn’t have a melt-down while the adults are negotiating where to go to dinner.
7. Give kids the traditions they love, which offer an experience of security and wonder. Focus on traditions that connect your family, such as telling your holiday story around the fire (or a table-full of candles), stringing popcorn for your tree, playing dreidel, or singing holiday songs togethe r. Be sure to include a tradition that gives your child the opportunity to feel good as a giver (buying and wrapping a book to donate, making a present for Grandma).
8. Don’t torture yourself and your kids by dragging them with you when you go shopping. You might be able to create a positive experience for yourself without them, but that’s almost impossible to do with them in tow. Trade off with a friend to watch all the kids while the other shops. (Too stressful to have all those kids underfoot? This is a great opportunity to launch a holiday tradition by watching Miracle on 34th Street!) Or limit yourself to buying online. Better yet, forgo most presents and make cookies with your kids instead for anyone you want to gift.
9. If you go on vacation, be sure it recharges and reconnects your family. Some of us look forward to the kids’ school vacations as a chance to leave town in search of warm weather or winter sports. That can give you plenty of chances for family connection, especially if you forgo organized evenings in favor of family board games. What you want to avoid, of course, is racing around before you leave, getting stressed out by a busy trip, and returning home in need of a vacation. Kids tend to get cranky and stressed with travel and schedule changes, so plan to do less, rather than more.
10. The most important tip, as always in parenting, is to manage yourself so you can stay calm. Remember that the holidays are stressful for kids, and your kids depend on you not only to regulate their environment, but also to help them regulate their moods.
If you’re out of balance, you won’t be able to help your kids stay on an even keel. In fact, if you’re anxious about everything you have to get done, your children will almost certainly begin to act out.
Your kids don’t need a magazine-spread holiday. They need you, in a good mood, living the spirit of the season and spreading love and good cheer. Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong, and be sure your own expectations of the season are reasonable. (What makes you think your difficult relative will suddenly be less difficult this year?!) Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Make sure you nurture yourself and stay in balance. The minute your mood veers from loving to frenzied, STOP. Hug your children and regroup. And at New Years, pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself on a job well done, not just in December, but all year long.
Dr. Laura Markham copywrite - https://yps1.worldsecuresystems.com/
Happy Holidays from ChildSharing.com
Disrupted schedules, traveling with little ones, the crash and burn from all the excitement -- Holidays can easily be a recipe for tears and tantrums. How can parents manage life during the holidays to maximize the joy and minimize the tears? Here, our top ten tips for creating a season of meaning and wonderful memories for yourself and your kids.
1. Keep to your usual schedule as much as possible. Kids need the security of familiar routines. They’re stressed by unfamiliar events and what feels to them like chaotic unpredictability. Do what you can to keep them on schedule and be patient when they get hyped-up or irritable.
2. Give kids plenty of warning about travel and upcoming events so they feel less pushed around and taken by surprise. At the beginning of the holidays, you might use a calendar to show them what will happen each day. (“Then the day before Christmas we leave for Grandma’s, where you’ll get to play with all the cousins.”) Many kids love to make a little book, where each page represents a new day and they draw a picture of what will be happening. Sit down for a snuggle every morning and describe the day ahead.
3. Plan no more than one event per day. If you’re taking the kids to the Christmas pageant in the afternoon, don’t expect them to sit still for dinner at Grandma’s that night. If you’re visiting your inlaws, don’t plan the morning with the cousins and the afternoon at Aunt Betty’s. Kids need downtime, just to chill out, snuggle, and do whatever relaxes them. If they don’t get it, they can’t really be blamed for melting down when the over-stimulation gets to them.
4. Have age-appropriate expectations and plan accordingly. A four year old can’t be expected to sit quietly while you enjoy dinner at the home of your best friend from high school, for instance. If you’re doing a lot of visiting with adults, be sure the kids have something to occupy them. If they can read, buy them a new book for the occasion, one they can’t wait to get into. If they’re too young to stay absorbed in a book, bring a video tape. Be sure your schedule includes visits to the playground or other opportunities for the kids to get some fresh air and physical activity.
If you’re flying with kids, be sure to arrive early enough that they get to “run” a bit in the airport hallway after sitting still in the car and before sitting still on the plane. Special secret for painless flights: Bring small wrapped “presents” – books, treats, chapstick, puzzles, simple crafts – for each child. Kids can look forward to getting one as soon as they’ve buckled their seat belts, and several more whenever you need a distraction mid-flight. Be sure to bring bottles, sugar-free lollipops or something else to suck on during take-off and landing.
5. Coach your kids about the social behavior you expect. Role play with them in the car before you arrive, or make a game of it before you go. “What do you say when Aunt Susie gives you a present?” “What if you don’t like the present?” “What do you when Uncle Norman wants to hug you hello?” “What if you don’t like the dinner that’s served?” “When you want to leave the table, how do you ask?” “What will you do if the cousins start arguing?”
6. Watch your kids’ food intake in the midst of too many treats and hyped-up schedules. Many tantrums originate from hunger. And all parents recognize the sugar high that sends kids bouncing off walls and then crashing into tears. If necessary, speak with your parents in advance about limiting treats. And carry small protein-rich snacks with you so your child doesn’t have a melt-down while the adults are negotiating where to go to dinner.
7. Give kids the traditions they love, which offer an experience of security and wonder. Focus on traditions that connect your family, such as telling your holiday story around the fire (or a table-full of candles), stringing popcorn for your tree, playing dreidel, or singing holiday songs togethe r. Be sure to include a tradition that gives your child the opportunity to feel good as a giver (buying and wrapping a book to donate, making a present for Grandma).
8. Don’t torture yourself and your kids by dragging them with you when you go shopping. You might be able to create a positive experience for yourself without them, but that’s almost impossible to do with them in tow. Trade off with a friend to watch all the kids while the other shops. (Too stressful to have all those kids underfoot? This is a great opportunity to launch a holiday tradition by watching Miracle on 34th Street!) Or limit yourself to buying online. Better yet, forgo most presents and make cookies with your kids instead for anyone you want to gift.
9. If you go on vacation, be sure it recharges and reconnects your family. Some of us look forward to the kids’ school vacations as a chance to leave town in search of warm weather or winter sports. That can give you plenty of chances for family connection, especially if you forgo organized evenings in favor of family board games. What you want to avoid, of course, is racing around before you leave, getting stressed out by a busy trip, and returning home in need of a vacation. Kids tend to get cranky and stressed with travel and schedule changes, so plan to do less, rather than more.
10. The most important tip, as always in parenting, is to manage yourself so you can stay calm. Remember that the holidays are stressful for kids, and your kids depend on you not only to regulate their environment, but also to help them regulate their moods.
If you’re out of balance, you won’t be able to help your kids stay on an even keel. In fact, if you’re anxious about everything you have to get done, your children will almost certainly begin to act out.
Your kids don’t need a magazine-spread holiday. They need you, in a good mood, living the spirit of the season and spreading love and good cheer. Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong, and be sure your own expectations of the season are reasonable. (What makes you think your difficult relative will suddenly be less difficult this year?!) Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Make sure you nurture yourself and stay in balance. The minute your mood veers from loving to frenzied, STOP. Hug your children and regroup. And at New Years, pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself on a job well done, not just in December, but all year long.
Dr. Laura Markham copywrite - https://yps1.worldsecuresystems.com/
Happy Holidays from ChildSharing.com
Monday, November 9, 2009
How to Raise an Intelligent, Creative Child
Raise Great Kids
How to Raise an Intelligent, Creative Child
by: DrLauraMarkham@AhaParenting.com
We all want our kids to reach their full intellectual and creative potential, to love learning, to enjoy reading. And there's no question that doing well academically gives kids huge advantages for the rest of their lives. Here's how to raise a child who's intellectually curious, creative, and excited about learning on every level -- for the long haul.
How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child
Managing anxiety in order to tackle a big project, managing anger in order to work through a marital conflict, managing fear in order to apply for a job -- the ability of a human being to manage his or her emotions in a healthy way will determine the quality of his life in a much more fundamental way than his IQ. In fact, psychologists have come to call this ability EQ, or Emotional Intelligence Quotient. How to raise a child with a high EQ, which, you'll be happy to find, also means happier and better behaved.
How to Raise a Socially Intelligent Child
Your child lives in a complicated social world. This has always been true for children: all parents can remember their own tears or rage at the cruelty of another child; all parents can remember wanting desperately to be accepted and approved of by other kids. Things are even more complicated for children now, as media has introduced children to the world of adult mores before they are emotionally ready. Our children do not know, just instinctively, how to build good relationships with other children in such a culture of shifting rules. If children have good relationships at home they have a healthy head start, but they still need your help in learning to navigate a complex social world.
How to Raise a Child of Character
Parents often ask how to raise a child with good character and values, in the context of a culture that seems to reward the opposite. The simplest answer is that children learn what they live, so if you live your values, your kids are likely to as well. It's also true that talking explicitly about our values helps kids to develop them, especially in the face of teachings from the media or their peers that might go against what you believe. And there are definitely ways that you can encourage your child to be thoughtful, generous, responsible, and courageous -- in short, a person of character.
Posting courtesy of Dr. Laura Markham - ahaParenting.com
ChildSharing.com - Online Parenting Classes for Families Raising Children Between Two Homes
How to Raise an Intelligent, Creative Child
by: DrLauraMarkham@AhaParenting.com
We all want our kids to reach their full intellectual and creative potential, to love learning, to enjoy reading. And there's no question that doing well academically gives kids huge advantages for the rest of their lives. Here's how to raise a child who's intellectually curious, creative, and excited about learning on every level -- for the long haul.
How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child
Managing anxiety in order to tackle a big project, managing anger in order to work through a marital conflict, managing fear in order to apply for a job -- the ability of a human being to manage his or her emotions in a healthy way will determine the quality of his life in a much more fundamental way than his IQ. In fact, psychologists have come to call this ability EQ, or Emotional Intelligence Quotient. How to raise a child with a high EQ, which, you'll be happy to find, also means happier and better behaved.
How to Raise a Socially Intelligent Child
Your child lives in a complicated social world. This has always been true for children: all parents can remember their own tears or rage at the cruelty of another child; all parents can remember wanting desperately to be accepted and approved of by other kids. Things are even more complicated for children now, as media has introduced children to the world of adult mores before they are emotionally ready. Our children do not know, just instinctively, how to build good relationships with other children in such a culture of shifting rules. If children have good relationships at home they have a healthy head start, but they still need your help in learning to navigate a complex social world.
How to Raise a Child of Character
Parents often ask how to raise a child with good character and values, in the context of a culture that seems to reward the opposite. The simplest answer is that children learn what they live, so if you live your values, your kids are likely to as well. It's also true that talking explicitly about our values helps kids to develop them, especially in the face of teachings from the media or their peers that might go against what you believe. And there are definitely ways that you can encourage your child to be thoughtful, generous, responsible, and courageous -- in short, a person of character.
Posting courtesy of Dr. Laura Markham - ahaParenting.com
ChildSharing.com - Online Parenting Classes for Families Raising Children Between Two Homes
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
ChildSharing Secures New Relationship with Multiple Counties in Washington State
Online Classes and a Host of Resource Tools Assist Washington Family Courts in Offering Online Education for Families Raising Children Between Two Homes.
ChildSharing, Inc. has announced its new relationship with six counties in Washington State today. Klickitat, Skamania, Grant, Ferry, Pend Oreille, Stevens Counties within the State of Washington have all responded to our online co-parenting program as a viable option to their current offering. This relationship will enable ChildSharing, Inc. the ability to offer certified parenting classes throughout these counties. This provides parents greater flexibility and options when selecting a class to suit their needs.
Griff Hopkins, ChildSharing, Inc.’s Development Planners, says “The need for cost-effective educational co-parenting programs in today’s economy is ever present. As counties across the nation adopt new processes and procedures and become aware of advancing technologies, we are happy to provide both counties and families new alternatives to meet the changing demand. ChildSharing is a cost effective and efficient solution to meeting the court mandated parent education requirement.”
ChildSharing.com provides interactive educational classes, resource articles as well as county-specific details to provide families with the knowledge they need as they transition into their new lives.
ChildSharing, Inc. is rapidly gaining attention throughout the country because of its innovative approach to disseminating divorce-related content. ChildSharing provides economic relief to the demand on county resources so they may provide education to parents who may not have otherwise received it. The entire program is built for the counties, at no cost to them, to integrate and offer to their residents.
About ChildSharing, Inc.
Founded in 2008, ChildSharing, Inc. is dedicated to advancing the field of child-sharing as a means of better educating families faced with divorce. Guided by a strong development team, ChildSharing works with experts throughout the United States to provide its members with the most comprehensive information and other resources for educating families in transition. For more information about ChildSharing, Inc and its team of experts, visit http://www.ChildSharing.com.
Media interested in scheduling an interview with ChildSharing, Inc. representatives regarding its online program should contact Michelle Muncy in the Marketing office at: 805.550.3663 or michelle@ChildSharing.com.
###
ChildSharing, Inc. has announced its new relationship with six counties in Washington State today. Klickitat, Skamania, Grant, Ferry, Pend Oreille, Stevens Counties within the State of Washington have all responded to our online co-parenting program as a viable option to their current offering. This relationship will enable ChildSharing, Inc. the ability to offer certified parenting classes throughout these counties. This provides parents greater flexibility and options when selecting a class to suit their needs.
Griff Hopkins, ChildSharing, Inc.’s Development Planners, says “The need for cost-effective educational co-parenting programs in today’s economy is ever present. As counties across the nation adopt new processes and procedures and become aware of advancing technologies, we are happy to provide both counties and families new alternatives to meet the changing demand. ChildSharing is a cost effective and efficient solution to meeting the court mandated parent education requirement.”
ChildSharing.com provides interactive educational classes, resource articles as well as county-specific details to provide families with the knowledge they need as they transition into their new lives.
ChildSharing, Inc. is rapidly gaining attention throughout the country because of its innovative approach to disseminating divorce-related content. ChildSharing provides economic relief to the demand on county resources so they may provide education to parents who may not have otherwise received it. The entire program is built for the counties, at no cost to them, to integrate and offer to their residents.
About ChildSharing, Inc.
Founded in 2008, ChildSharing, Inc. is dedicated to advancing the field of child-sharing as a means of better educating families faced with divorce. Guided by a strong development team, ChildSharing works with experts throughout the United States to provide its members with the most comprehensive information and other resources for educating families in transition. For more information about ChildSharing, Inc and its team of experts, visit http://www.ChildSharing.com.
Media interested in scheduling an interview with ChildSharing, Inc. representatives regarding its online program should contact Michelle Muncy in the Marketing office at: 805.550.3663 or michelle@ChildSharing.com.
###
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Top 10 Ways To Be A Great Dad - Teach, Train and Nourish With Love
Nothing touches the heart more deeply than hearing, "I love you Daddy." I have heard that the gift
of happiness belongs to those who unwrap it. Your children are that gift. Be an active,
participating dad. The years fly by too quickly to do otherwise.
1. Cease "put downs" directed toward the child/children and other people living in the
home.
2. Never compare one sibling to another
3. Give as many hugs as possible, especially at the beginning and end of each day.
4. When disciplining, be calm, clear, firm, fast and fair.
5. Listen to the meaning behind the words your children say. What do they feel?
6. Teach that every behavior has consequences, both good and bad.
7. Encourage strength, positivity, helpfulness, humor and compassion by role modeling.
8. Encourage open communication, humor and actively listen.
9. Make time to say, "I love you."
10. Be there to share quality time with your child/children.
LEN BRASS IS THE AUTHOR OF CHILDREN FIRST: A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR PARENTING THROUGH THE
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL YEARS. LEN IS A SAN JUAN CAPISTRANO, CALIFORNIA RESIDENT, A 26-YEAR SCHOOL
EDUCATOR AS WELL AS A LECTURER, BUSINESS MEDIATOR, AND FATHER OF FIVE.
www.ChildSharing.com: 39.99 Online Co-Parenting Classes
of happiness belongs to those who unwrap it. Your children are that gift. Be an active,
participating dad. The years fly by too quickly to do otherwise.
1. Cease "put downs" directed toward the child/children and other people living in the
home.
2. Never compare one sibling to another
3. Give as many hugs as possible, especially at the beginning and end of each day.
4. When disciplining, be calm, clear, firm, fast and fair.
5. Listen to the meaning behind the words your children say. What do they feel?
6. Teach that every behavior has consequences, both good and bad.
7. Encourage strength, positivity, helpfulness, humor and compassion by role modeling.
8. Encourage open communication, humor and actively listen.
9. Make time to say, "I love you."
10. Be there to share quality time with your child/children.
LEN BRASS IS THE AUTHOR OF CHILDREN FIRST: A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR PARENTING THROUGH THE
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL YEARS. LEN IS A SAN JUAN CAPISTRANO, CALIFORNIA RESIDENT, A 26-YEAR SCHOOL
EDUCATOR AS WELL AS A LECTURER, BUSINESS MEDIATOR, AND FATHER OF FIVE.
www.ChildSharing.com: 39.99 Online Co-Parenting Classes
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Children's Emotional Needs During Divorce and Beyond
Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT
When parents are caught up in the drama of divorce it is easy for them to forget the innate emotional and security needs of their innocent children. The following are a list of questions and comments that remind parents about the most fundamental needs of every child in order to experience psychological well-being.
They are provided by Dr. Paul Wanio, one of the contributors to my new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? These concepts are particularly significant for your consideration when your family is experiencing the challenges and upheavals connected to divorce or separation. With this in mind, Dr. Wanio suggests you not only consider these questions, but actually take the time to answer them for yourself.
1) How can I help my child to develop a sense of security and trust in him/herself, in people, in the world, and in getting his/her needs met?
A child needs to feel loved and a sense of belonging. They need to feel important … to know that someone is there to help … that their needs will be recognized … that there are a set of standards to live by -- as well as values like kindness, courage, honesty, generosity and justice.
2) How can I caringly protect my child from excessive conflicts and frustrations at home?
Children cannot handle as much as adults. A child must have a feeling of safety and protection at home … know that someone is in charge who will not allow overwhelming emotions or situations to occur … will set limits with fairness … will listen compassionately … and explain confusing situations to alleviate any fears.
3) How can I help my child not to feel guilty or ashamed about mistakes, accidents or failures?
Children need to learn from their mistakes, not feel put down or be punished for them. They need to believe in themselves … to know that it is okay to make a mistake … and that you still love them and believe in their potential. Especially now, they need to know that your divorce is not their fault.
4) How can I assist my child to feel a sense of self-esteem and encouragement?
Children need to feel that their self-worth does not merely depend upon accomplishments, but upon who they are as individuals and because they are your children. They need to feel accepted by you even if you or others do not always approve of their behavior. At this time, knowing that they are loved by both parents is especially important. Putting down the other parent is like putting down a part of your child since he/she is a part of that parent. Avoid disparaging remarks about the other parent even if you are angry.
5) How can I encourage independence and a feeling of competency in my child?
In general, children need a sense of their very own achievement, even if it means possibly being wrong or different. They need to handle some things on their own or with minimal assistance, to be given choices [even if limited] and to feel some sense of being trusted and capable. During the time of divorce, your child may become more vulnerable and regress to an earlier stage of development. Do not demean your child for this, but understand that he/she may need to feel more "like a little kid" than "Mommy's/Daddy's big boy/girl." If handled with compassion, this should be a temporary situation. If long-lasting, it may represent undue emotional stress.
6) How can I discipline my child without having him/her develop a negative self-image?
Simply put: Limit your child's behavior, but not your child's thoughts and feelings. Thoughts and feelings are not "bad," though behavior may be inappropriate. Seek to influence thoughts, to understand and accept feelings and to improve behavior. True discipline is not thought of as punishment, but a lesson to teach your child about Life.
7) How can I help my child to feel good about him/herself, being male or female, secure when away from me and curious about life?
Children need to develop a sense of identity, to begin to answer the question, "Who am I?," and to find satisfaction in being oneself. The more loved, understood and trusted they feel, the more secure they will be in their self-discovery. Your example and relationship with your child will have a very powerful influence in this regard.
* * *
C. Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Lake Worth and Boca Raton, FL. He can be reached at DrPaulWanio@aol.com. He is also a contributor to the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT. To learn more, go to http://howdoitellthekids.com. For additional articles on child-centered divorce, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
ChildSharing.com Online Parenting Classes 39.99 www.ChildSharing.com
When parents are caught up in the drama of divorce it is easy for them to forget the innate emotional and security needs of their innocent children. The following are a list of questions and comments that remind parents about the most fundamental needs of every child in order to experience psychological well-being.
They are provided by Dr. Paul Wanio, one of the contributors to my new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? These concepts are particularly significant for your consideration when your family is experiencing the challenges and upheavals connected to divorce or separation. With this in mind, Dr. Wanio suggests you not only consider these questions, but actually take the time to answer them for yourself.
1) How can I help my child to develop a sense of security and trust in him/herself, in people, in the world, and in getting his/her needs met?
A child needs to feel loved and a sense of belonging. They need to feel important … to know that someone is there to help … that their needs will be recognized … that there are a set of standards to live by -- as well as values like kindness, courage, honesty, generosity and justice.
2) How can I caringly protect my child from excessive conflicts and frustrations at home?
Children cannot handle as much as adults. A child must have a feeling of safety and protection at home … know that someone is in charge who will not allow overwhelming emotions or situations to occur … will set limits with fairness … will listen compassionately … and explain confusing situations to alleviate any fears.
3) How can I help my child not to feel guilty or ashamed about mistakes, accidents or failures?
Children need to learn from their mistakes, not feel put down or be punished for them. They need to believe in themselves … to know that it is okay to make a mistake … and that you still love them and believe in their potential. Especially now, they need to know that your divorce is not their fault.
4) How can I assist my child to feel a sense of self-esteem and encouragement?
Children need to feel that their self-worth does not merely depend upon accomplishments, but upon who they are as individuals and because they are your children. They need to feel accepted by you even if you or others do not always approve of their behavior. At this time, knowing that they are loved by both parents is especially important. Putting down the other parent is like putting down a part of your child since he/she is a part of that parent. Avoid disparaging remarks about the other parent even if you are angry.
5) How can I encourage independence and a feeling of competency in my child?
In general, children need a sense of their very own achievement, even if it means possibly being wrong or different. They need to handle some things on their own or with minimal assistance, to be given choices [even if limited] and to feel some sense of being trusted and capable. During the time of divorce, your child may become more vulnerable and regress to an earlier stage of development. Do not demean your child for this, but understand that he/she may need to feel more "like a little kid" than "Mommy's/Daddy's big boy/girl." If handled with compassion, this should be a temporary situation. If long-lasting, it may represent undue emotional stress.
6) How can I discipline my child without having him/her develop a negative self-image?
Simply put: Limit your child's behavior, but not your child's thoughts and feelings. Thoughts and feelings are not "bad," though behavior may be inappropriate. Seek to influence thoughts, to understand and accept feelings and to improve behavior. True discipline is not thought of as punishment, but a lesson to teach your child about Life.
7) How can I help my child to feel good about him/herself, being male or female, secure when away from me and curious about life?
Children need to develop a sense of identity, to begin to answer the question, "Who am I?," and to find satisfaction in being oneself. The more loved, understood and trusted they feel, the more secure they will be in their self-discovery. Your example and relationship with your child will have a very powerful influence in this regard.
* * *
C. Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Lake Worth and Boca Raton, FL. He can be reached at DrPaulWanio@aol.com. He is also a contributor to the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT. To learn more, go to http://howdoitellthekids.com. For additional articles on child-centered divorce, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
ChildSharing.com Online Parenting Classes 39.99 www.ChildSharing.com
Monday, April 13, 2009
Options for resolving disputes among divorcing parents
By Craig Silverman/DAILY NEWS CORRESPONDENT
GHS
Posted Apr 09, 2009 @ 04:34 PM
This past winter my wife and I took our daughter to swimming class at the local YMCA. While we were there we ran into a friend of our daughter's whose parents had recently divorced. Both parents attended the class. During these swim classes they seemed civil and sat within reasonable proximity to each other. I later learned, however, that appearances can be deceiving.
Unfortunately this peaceful co-existence at their child's activities was to come to an abrupt end. I learned soon after the end of the swim class session that the father had filed court papers seeking modification of their parenting arrangement, and the case quickly became contentious. While the facts of each divorce case may differ, the underlying issues are often the same: spending time with the children.
A very wise judge, who has since retired, once said, "Husbands and wives may come and go, but parents are forever."
Now that spring is here and, with it, baseball, soccer, dance recitals, graduations and other activities, resulting in many scenarios like the one described above, children of divorce often wind up caught in the middle, and they begin to ask who's coming to their activities.
Parents have to find ways to resolve their parenting issues, always being guided by what is in the best interest of the child.
As a divorce lawyer who represents both husbands and wives, I often see parents vying for more time with their children, and this competition creates conflict which can put children in the middle. So, what are some options to resolve these conflicts?
Parenting coordinators
Most divorcing parents sign a Separation Agreement (this is a technical term - it's really a divorce agreement) - a contract that outlines the terms of their divorce. It will often have a provision obligating the divorcing parents to take any disagreements about parenting that they cannot work out on their own to a parenting coordinator before going to court.
Parenting coordinators address such issues as pick-up and drop-off times, holidays and child care duties. Often the parents are so busy fighting each other that they fail to consider what's best for their children. Parenting coordinators are people who have expertise in family law and the psychological impact of divorce. They may be psychologists, social workers, attorneys, or professional mediators. In Massachusetts most judges do not believe that they have the authority to appoint a parent coordinator so their appointment must be agreed upon by the parties. Their services are paid for by the parents; often the cost is divided equally, but that varies case by case.
The parent coordinator mediates issues when the parents are unable to negotiate those issues successfully on their own. The parenting coordinator is often given the power to decide what the result should be if the parents remain deadlocked, even after mediation efforts. Family law attorneys and online resources can help in choosing the right parenting coordinator.
While a court has the ultimate final say (and can overrule the parenting coordinator's recommendations), a parenting coordinator can reduce the need to go to court and therefore reduce child-related conflict for divorced parents. Any method of dispute resolution that resolves child-related issues outside of Court is a benefit to those involved.
What happens if either there isn't a provision for a parenting coordinator or one party doesn't agree to use a parent coordinator? Does that mean that the parents have to run to court over each and every parenting issue?
Mediation
Mediation is a form of alternate dispute resolution (ADR) in which a neutral third party, the mediator, assists parties to negotiate an agreement. One advantage of mediation is confidentiality. Mediation also allows the parties to step away from the acrimony of the courtroom to resolve the dispute quickly and inexpensively. Mediation allows parties to speak for themselves, which fosters creative ideas, allows people to address emotional issues, and arrive at practical, long-term solutions that may not be achievable in litigation.
In addition to private mediation firms, there are nonprofit community mediation centers for people who cannot afford to hire a mediator. Mediation can be conducted with or without lawyers present, but most mediators recommend that the parties consult with a lawyer at some point during the mediation process; the extent of the involvement of a lawyer is up to the parties in the mediation.
Collaborative law
Another form of dispute resolution is Collaborative Law, in which lawyers are involved from the beginning but the two parties and lawyers agree that the lawyers will be used only for out-of-court discussions. In other words, if the collaborative negotiations fail and the case needs to go to court, the parties will hire new counsel. This style of practice was invented in 1990 by Stu Webb, a Minnesota family lawyer, who felt that traditional litigation was not always helpful to the parties and their families, and often was damaging. Since its inception, Collaborative Law has spread through most of the United States, Canada, Europe, Australia, England, Switzerland, France and several other countries.
In a collaborative case, the parties work toward reaching a settlement through a series of meetings in which both the parties and counsel attend. These meetings are called four-way meetings even though there are often more than four people present. For example, sometimes a neutral and independent expert is invited to join the discussions. The focus of the four-way meetings is to identify the parties' goals and underlying interests, and look for options that enable both parties to get their needs met.
All three of these processes - mediation, collaborative law, and the use of a parenting coordinator - allow parents to formulate a parenting plan, voice their opinions, and participate directly in the resolution of parenting issues. Litigation stifles the parties' voices - parents can then communicate only through their lawyers - and the voice of their children usually cannot be heard at all.
These alternatives to litigation are not appropriate for every case or every situation, and collaboration cannot succeed if one of the parties is not willing to participate in the process. In those situations, as well as in cases in which there is domestic violence or other exigent circumstances, the parties often have to go to court - either as their first or ultimate course of action.
Court (Litigation)
Once the decision has been made to file an action in court, the process moves at a pace determined by the court. It could take as long as 14 months, and sometimes longer; deciding custodial arrangements is not an issue that is resolved quickly.
Once a case has been filed, the court will usually order that the parties maintain the status quo unless and until it can determine there is a good reason it should be changed. However, there is no longer a presumption that custody is automatically awarded to the mother; the courts do not automatically favor one parent over the other.
When determining the parenting arrangements, the court will consider what the arrangements have been, and, if the child is old enough, the child's wishes.
Once the case is in the court system, a variety of people may become involved in the decision-making. The parties are sometimes required to meet with a Family Services Officer, who may report to the judge on the substance of those discussions.Family Services Officers have only a brief time - usually less than an hour - to meet with the parties and make a recommendation to the judge.
If the case is unusually difficult or contentious, the court may appoint a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL), whose job is to investigate and report to the court. The cost of these evaluations is usually shared by the parties. The GAL is usually a psychologist, psychiatrist or some other family trained specialist in private practice who focuses on custody evaluations.
If these preliminary stages do not resolve the custody issues, the judge will set a trial date. Despite the expense and the acrimony that ordinarily result from taking the case to trial, this may be precisely what's needed when the parties cannot agree on arrangements for their children.
So which process should you use? There is no easy answer; there is no right and wrong. Some questions to ask in making this determination are: Do I need legal advice and representation during this process or can I represent myself? How quickly do I want or need this resolved? In making these decisions, parents should remember that choosing one process or another does not have to be an irrevocable decision. For example, a case may be headed for trial, but it is never too late to try mediation or bring a parenting coordinator into the picture.
None of these processes is a panacea. Each has its advantages and disadvantages. Getting professional advice about which process to choose is a good idea, and for people who cannot afford even that much legal advice, the state bar association can provide assistance. Deciding who is coming to a child's baseball game or soccer practice may seem like a small decision, but the accumulated impact of those decisions - and how they are made - can have a lifelong impact on children. And thus it is difficult to overestimate the value of making the decisions thoughtfully and well.
Craig Silverman is a MetroWest resident and lawyer with Boston Law Collaborative and has been practicing for over 10 years; he has experience in litigation, collaborative law and has been trained in mediation. Information on his practice can be found at www.bostonlawcollaborative.com.
GHS
Posted Apr 09, 2009 @ 04:34 PM
This past winter my wife and I took our daughter to swimming class at the local YMCA. While we were there we ran into a friend of our daughter's whose parents had recently divorced. Both parents attended the class. During these swim classes they seemed civil and sat within reasonable proximity to each other. I later learned, however, that appearances can be deceiving.
Unfortunately this peaceful co-existence at their child's activities was to come to an abrupt end. I learned soon after the end of the swim class session that the father had filed court papers seeking modification of their parenting arrangement, and the case quickly became contentious. While the facts of each divorce case may differ, the underlying issues are often the same: spending time with the children.
A very wise judge, who has since retired, once said, "Husbands and wives may come and go, but parents are forever."
Now that spring is here and, with it, baseball, soccer, dance recitals, graduations and other activities, resulting in many scenarios like the one described above, children of divorce often wind up caught in the middle, and they begin to ask who's coming to their activities.
Parents have to find ways to resolve their parenting issues, always being guided by what is in the best interest of the child.
As a divorce lawyer who represents both husbands and wives, I often see parents vying for more time with their children, and this competition creates conflict which can put children in the middle. So, what are some options to resolve these conflicts?
Parenting coordinators
Most divorcing parents sign a Separation Agreement (this is a technical term - it's really a divorce agreement) - a contract that outlines the terms of their divorce. It will often have a provision obligating the divorcing parents to take any disagreements about parenting that they cannot work out on their own to a parenting coordinator before going to court.
Parenting coordinators address such issues as pick-up and drop-off times, holidays and child care duties. Often the parents are so busy fighting each other that they fail to consider what's best for their children. Parenting coordinators are people who have expertise in family law and the psychological impact of divorce. They may be psychologists, social workers, attorneys, or professional mediators. In Massachusetts most judges do not believe that they have the authority to appoint a parent coordinator so their appointment must be agreed upon by the parties. Their services are paid for by the parents; often the cost is divided equally, but that varies case by case.
The parent coordinator mediates issues when the parents are unable to negotiate those issues successfully on their own. The parenting coordinator is often given the power to decide what the result should be if the parents remain deadlocked, even after mediation efforts. Family law attorneys and online resources can help in choosing the right parenting coordinator.
While a court has the ultimate final say (and can overrule the parenting coordinator's recommendations), a parenting coordinator can reduce the need to go to court and therefore reduce child-related conflict for divorced parents. Any method of dispute resolution that resolves child-related issues outside of Court is a benefit to those involved.
What happens if either there isn't a provision for a parenting coordinator or one party doesn't agree to use a parent coordinator? Does that mean that the parents have to run to court over each and every parenting issue?
Mediation
Mediation is a form of alternate dispute resolution (ADR) in which a neutral third party, the mediator, assists parties to negotiate an agreement. One advantage of mediation is confidentiality. Mediation also allows the parties to step away from the acrimony of the courtroom to resolve the dispute quickly and inexpensively. Mediation allows parties to speak for themselves, which fosters creative ideas, allows people to address emotional issues, and arrive at practical, long-term solutions that may not be achievable in litigation.
In addition to private mediation firms, there are nonprofit community mediation centers for people who cannot afford to hire a mediator. Mediation can be conducted with or without lawyers present, but most mediators recommend that the parties consult with a lawyer at some point during the mediation process; the extent of the involvement of a lawyer is up to the parties in the mediation.
Collaborative law
Another form of dispute resolution is Collaborative Law, in which lawyers are involved from the beginning but the two parties and lawyers agree that the lawyers will be used only for out-of-court discussions. In other words, if the collaborative negotiations fail and the case needs to go to court, the parties will hire new counsel. This style of practice was invented in 1990 by Stu Webb, a Minnesota family lawyer, who felt that traditional litigation was not always helpful to the parties and their families, and often was damaging. Since its inception, Collaborative Law has spread through most of the United States, Canada, Europe, Australia, England, Switzerland, France and several other countries.
In a collaborative case, the parties work toward reaching a settlement through a series of meetings in which both the parties and counsel attend. These meetings are called four-way meetings even though there are often more than four people present. For example, sometimes a neutral and independent expert is invited to join the discussions. The focus of the four-way meetings is to identify the parties' goals and underlying interests, and look for options that enable both parties to get their needs met.
All three of these processes - mediation, collaborative law, and the use of a parenting coordinator - allow parents to formulate a parenting plan, voice their opinions, and participate directly in the resolution of parenting issues. Litigation stifles the parties' voices - parents can then communicate only through their lawyers - and the voice of their children usually cannot be heard at all.
These alternatives to litigation are not appropriate for every case or every situation, and collaboration cannot succeed if one of the parties is not willing to participate in the process. In those situations, as well as in cases in which there is domestic violence or other exigent circumstances, the parties often have to go to court - either as their first or ultimate course of action.
Court (Litigation)
Once the decision has been made to file an action in court, the process moves at a pace determined by the court. It could take as long as 14 months, and sometimes longer; deciding custodial arrangements is not an issue that is resolved quickly.
Once a case has been filed, the court will usually order that the parties maintain the status quo unless and until it can determine there is a good reason it should be changed. However, there is no longer a presumption that custody is automatically awarded to the mother; the courts do not automatically favor one parent over the other.
When determining the parenting arrangements, the court will consider what the arrangements have been, and, if the child is old enough, the child's wishes.
Once the case is in the court system, a variety of people may become involved in the decision-making. The parties are sometimes required to meet with a Family Services Officer, who may report to the judge on the substance of those discussions.Family Services Officers have only a brief time - usually less than an hour - to meet with the parties and make a recommendation to the judge.
If the case is unusually difficult or contentious, the court may appoint a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL), whose job is to investigate and report to the court. The cost of these evaluations is usually shared by the parties. The GAL is usually a psychologist, psychiatrist or some other family trained specialist in private practice who focuses on custody evaluations.
If these preliminary stages do not resolve the custody issues, the judge will set a trial date. Despite the expense and the acrimony that ordinarily result from taking the case to trial, this may be precisely what's needed when the parties cannot agree on arrangements for their children.
So which process should you use? There is no easy answer; there is no right and wrong. Some questions to ask in making this determination are: Do I need legal advice and representation during this process or can I represent myself? How quickly do I want or need this resolved? In making these decisions, parents should remember that choosing one process or another does not have to be an irrevocable decision. For example, a case may be headed for trial, but it is never too late to try mediation or bring a parenting coordinator into the picture.
None of these processes is a panacea. Each has its advantages and disadvantages. Getting professional advice about which process to choose is a good idea, and for people who cannot afford even that much legal advice, the state bar association can provide assistance. Deciding who is coming to a child's baseball game or soccer practice may seem like a small decision, but the accumulated impact of those decisions - and how they are made - can have a lifelong impact on children. And thus it is difficult to overestimate the value of making the decisions thoughtfully and well.
Craig Silverman is a MetroWest resident and lawyer with Boston Law Collaborative and has been practicing for over 10 years; he has experience in litigation, collaborative law and has been trained in mediation. Information on his practice can be found at www.bostonlawcollaborative.com.
Monday, February 2, 2009
ChildSharing.com gets certified for Online Parenting Classes in Fresno County
Fresno County Family Court approved ChildSharing.com as a vendor for their current parenting program. After reviewing the program for several months they have chosen to allow ChildSharing.com to become an approved vendor and act as an additional solution to their current court mandated parenting classes.
Julie Johnson, Sales Planner for ChildSharing.com worked to secure this opprotunity and has stated she is thrilled with the opportunity to be working with such a well established and progressive county. Offering this court mandated parenting class will save not only time and resources for the county but be a great tool for the parents who are also struggeling to find time and money in this ecnomy and during this transition.
Form more information about this class visit: www.ChildSharing.com
Julie Johnson, Sales Planner for ChildSharing.com worked to secure this opprotunity and has stated she is thrilled with the opportunity to be working with such a well established and progressive county. Offering this court mandated parenting class will save not only time and resources for the county but be a great tool for the parents who are also struggeling to find time and money in this ecnomy and during this transition.
Form more information about this class visit: www.ChildSharing.com
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