A Plea to Divorced Parents ... Be Honest With Yourself
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
South African Wellness Counselor, Nadia Thonnard of Inner Minds Counseling, is a strong proponent of child-centered divorce. She brings great sensitivity to this issue because she not only provides counseling services to clients, she has experienced the sting of divorce in her own life. Her advice to others comes from personal experience as well as professional expertise.
Recently Nadia entered a personal blog post that I want to share with the child-centered divorce community. Read it below followed by my own response.
I get quite a few letters which start by saying that the spouse left one day, without prior warning. Meaning no disrespect, when I read those I can't help but have a smile on my face. This is not because I find it funny but because this is exactly what I said when my husband left me and our 2 children, after 20 years, one morning...without prior warning.
Why I'm raising this and why I'm using this title will hopefully bring some insight.
If you are honest with yourself, you will be able to acknowledge that some "warning" signs were there already, for some quite a while back, and therefore, the day they left was only the result of the accumulation of all these previous warning signs.
Think back on all the times that you felt something was not going 100%. You may say that things are not always 100%, but the reality is, these are warning signs, whether we decide to act on them or not.
Most of us haven't been raised with the knowledge of how to tune in to our emotions, let alone in someone else's emotions. So be honest and allow yourself to remember some of those "warning" signs.
Become aware of some moments you chose, perhaps and most probably unconsciously, to brush them off. Add them up. Does the fatal moment still look like ...one day, without prior warning?
Hope this brings some light.
Your comments/feedback are, as always, welcome.
Lots of Love
Nadia
This is how I replied to her post:
Thanks for this important message, Nadia. I applaud your talking about this topic. What you suggest we do -- the inner work -- moves us from being victims in our lives. It gives us control over tomorrow and our entire future -- which is essential if we are to grow and create better times ahead.
This can be a tough step to take -- accepting responsibility for understanding how we came to this point in our lives -- but it is also a valuable step in the right direction. Letting go of victimhood can lead to personal empowerment, greater self-esteem and the confidence to know we are the creators in our life from this day forward.
Perhaps that is the true "gift" we can receive from the pain of divorce.
We cannot move forward when we are focused on looking behind us. Is it time to let go of some of the blame and anger so you can reframe your life in the direction you want to take it? I sincerely hope so.
If you'd like to share your wisdom on how you took steps toward personal empowerment during or after your divorce, we would all appreciate your contribution.
Wishing bright futures to you all,
Rosalind
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love. For her free articles, blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Talking Points
Talking Points (1-26-2011)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
It’s a mistake to think that your teen or even your preteen isn’t wanting to talk about issues that you might consider to be beyond their years.
Parents can too easily avoid talking about sensitive issues, even if their children bring them up. It’s common for a parent of a preteen to say, “You shouldn’t even think about that at your age,” but they are thinking about it, so it does need to be talked about.
Studies show that kids do want to talk to their parents about issues that are troubling them. So be sure they know you are always open to do so. If not, the only perspective they’ll gain on such issues will be from television, their peers and the internet.
PODCAST SCRIPT:
It’s a mistake to think that your teen or even your preteen isn’t wanting to talk about issues that you might consider to be beyond their years.
Parents can too easily avoid talking about sensitive issues, even if their children bring them up. It’s common for a parent of a preteen to say, “You shouldn’t even think about that at your age,” but they are thinking about it, so it does need to be talked about.
Studies show that kids do want to talk to their parents about issues that are troubling them. So be sure they know you are always open to do so. If not, the only perspective they’ll gain on such issues will be from television, their peers and the internet.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Connection After Correction (1-24-2011)
Connection After Correction (1-24-2011)
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
Parents are likely to discipline their teenager and walk away. But I find that correction without connection can lead to contempt.
When you discipline, if you fail to make an effort to also connect with your teen, the correction can seem arbitrary and mean. Unless your teen understands that correction is for their own good, they’ll just become angry with you, not themselves, for having to be corrected.
So take a minute to remind your teen of the reasoning behind your rules. Reinforce that similar discipline is in store each time they break the rules. Assure them that you wish they didn’t have to be corrected, and that you know they can do better. That way, even times of discipline can strengthen your relationship.
————————————————-
REGISTER NOW FOR OUR FEBRUARY 17-19 FAMILIES IN CRISIS CONFERENCE! (visit www.familycrisisconference.com)
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
Parents are likely to discipline their teenager and walk away. But I find that correction without connection can lead to contempt.
When you discipline, if you fail to make an effort to also connect with your teen, the correction can seem arbitrary and mean. Unless your teen understands that correction is for their own good, they’ll just become angry with you, not themselves, for having to be corrected.
So take a minute to remind your teen of the reasoning behind your rules. Reinforce that similar discipline is in store each time they break the rules. Assure them that you wish they didn’t have to be corrected, and that you know they can do better. That way, even times of discipline can strengthen your relationship.
————————————————-
REGISTER NOW FOR OUR FEBRUARY 17-19 FAMILIES IN CRISIS CONFERENCE! (visit www.familycrisisconference.com)
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Too Much Negativity (1-20-2011)
Too Much Negativity (1-20-2011)
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
Teens can be pretty negative and moody. But isn’t that normal?
As teens become more independent, they may act like they are rebelling, when they really aren’t. In fact, they may question everything you’ve taught them, and display a certain amount of increased assertiveness, opinionating, complaining, secretiveness, stubbornness, and being critical about their parents or other authorities. They may also have some forgetfulness, mood swings, giddiness, and make poor decisions. As annoying as this can be to parents, it is actually quite normal for teenagers.
But this negative phase is usually temporary. Most kids get safely on the other side, where they will again see the wisdom of their parent’s beliefs, especially as they begin to deal with life on their own.
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
Teens can be pretty negative and moody. But isn’t that normal?
As teens become more independent, they may act like they are rebelling, when they really aren’t. In fact, they may question everything you’ve taught them, and display a certain amount of increased assertiveness, opinionating, complaining, secretiveness, stubbornness, and being critical about their parents or other authorities. They may also have some forgetfulness, mood swings, giddiness, and make poor decisions. As annoying as this can be to parents, it is actually quite normal for teenagers.
But this negative phase is usually temporary. Most kids get safely on the other side, where they will again see the wisdom of their parent’s beliefs, especially as they begin to deal with life on their own.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
What to Tell your Spouse Before You Tell the Kids -- about the Divorce!
What to Tell your Spouse
Before You Tell the Kids -- about the Divorce!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Ever go on a vacation without making plans in advance? The consequences are usually disastrous. If you fail to plan ahead regarding newspaper and mail delivery, feeding your pets or watering the plants, knowing where your destination is and reserving your accommodations, your vacation is likely to be filled with disappointment, frustration and even heartache.
What about preparing your children for your pending divorce? Do you have a plan - or are you going to wing it without any prior thought? For children, divorce is a monumental life experience for which they have no preparation. The very foundation of their security - their love for Mom and Dad - is being thrown into turmoil. Everything they knew and accepted as part of routine daily life is going to be affected in one way or another. They don't know what to expect and have little source of comfort other than their parents who are announcing the devastating news.
How can you help your children through this process? First, sit down face to face and talk to your children's other parent, as if their lives depended on it. Regardless of your involvement with attorneys or other legal resources, this should be a conversation between two parents who love their children and want the best outcome for them.
Agree to set aside the emotional drama of your feelings for one another at this time ... the hurt, anger, resentment, jealousy, competition, frustration, regret ... and focus on just one issue: How will we tell our children about the divorce?
1. Put yourselves in your children's shoes.
Picture each of your children and talk to each other about how each child is likely to feel and react to the news. Put yourselves in their shoes and feel their emotions with deep compassion. You know your children. Discuss their ages and personalities. Are they likely to blame themselves ... erupt in anger ... beg you to stay together ... want to run away and hide? Find a place of agreement and be prepared with the most comforting words and reassurances that will resonate with each child.
2. Remind them they are not at fault.
Many children feet responsible in some way for their parent's relationship problems and divorce. They need reassurance, again and again, that the problem is not about them - even if you've been fighting about parenting issues. Assure them it's not their behavior that caused your conflict - and there is nothing they can do to make things different. You can say something like, "Mom and Dad have been having problems. We don't agree about certain key issues and that creates conflict. So we are going to make some changes, but none of this is your fault and never was."
3. Reassure them that Mom and Dad will always be their parents.
Your children need to understand two things at this time. Mom and Dad will always love them - and will always be their parents. It is important to emphasize that no matter what changes occur over the weeks, months and years ahead, Mom and Dad will still always be their real parents and no one else will replace them. Tell them you both will always be there for them, no matter where you live or how things should change.
You can say, "No matter what happens, no matter what changes occur, one thing is for certain. Mom and Dad will always love you. That will never change. Regardless of where we live, what we do and how old you get. You can count on that. And don't ever forget it." Make sure you live up to that in the arrangements you will be making.
4. Focus on change, not on blame.
Divorce is a scary word. It is wise at this time to talk to your children about change as a natural part of life. "Everything in life keeps changing. You grow bigger, stronger and smarter every year. The seasons change. You change grades and schools as you get older. Change means things will be different in some ways. It doesn't mean things will be bad. Often change can make things better, and that's what Mom and Dad want to do."
Explain that it can take time for us to get used to changes, like starting a new grade with a new teacher. Other times change gives us a chance to do things in a new and better way, like trying a new sport or a hobby you grow to love.
Mention that the changes in our family are not about who's right or wrong or who's good or bad. "Mom and Dad both tried their best to resolve our problems. The old way didn't work for us and now we will be trying a new way for our family to live so there's more peace, calmness and happiness for us all. Let's think about how we can see the changes ahead as a new adventure -- a brand new chapter in our lives. It may not only be different - it may be better!"
5. Your reassurance is essential..
Children are often frightened when faced with new experiences - and divorce is a monumental challenge for them to grasp. Keep reminding your children that everything will be okay. "Mom and Dad are working on all the details so you don't have to worry about anything because Mom and Dad have it all under control."
This isn't the time to go into a lot of specifics. You may not have many answers yourselves. Keep the message very generic. "We'll have new ways of doing some things ... some new responsibilities ... some differences in our schedules. But life will go on. We will get used to the differences. Some of them we may even prefer. And after a while, we'll look back and say, life is different than it used to be, but it's all okay. Mom and Dad are okay, you're all okay, our family is okay and we still love each other. And that's most important of all!"
Ideally both Mom and Dad should tell the children together and agree in advance about the messages you are conveying. If you're having the conversation alone, you must stay neutral and not talk disrespectfully about the other parent that your children still love. Focus on your children's feelings and reactions. Respond compassionately in the best way you can.
These core messages are the foundation your children will depend on when they are feeling frightened, sad or insecure. Repeat them often in your own words and your own style. You'll be rewarded in countless ways as you and your children encounter and overcome the challenges of life after divorce.
* * * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Acclaimed by divorce professionals around the world, the book provides age-appropriate fill-in-the-blank templates that guide parents in creating a unique family storybook with personal photographs as an ideal way to break the news to their children. For more details, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Before You Tell the Kids -- about the Divorce!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Ever go on a vacation without making plans in advance? The consequences are usually disastrous. If you fail to plan ahead regarding newspaper and mail delivery, feeding your pets or watering the plants, knowing where your destination is and reserving your accommodations, your vacation is likely to be filled with disappointment, frustration and even heartache.
What about preparing your children for your pending divorce? Do you have a plan - or are you going to wing it without any prior thought? For children, divorce is a monumental life experience for which they have no preparation. The very foundation of their security - their love for Mom and Dad - is being thrown into turmoil. Everything they knew and accepted as part of routine daily life is going to be affected in one way or another. They don't know what to expect and have little source of comfort other than their parents who are announcing the devastating news.
How can you help your children through this process? First, sit down face to face and talk to your children's other parent, as if their lives depended on it. Regardless of your involvement with attorneys or other legal resources, this should be a conversation between two parents who love their children and want the best outcome for them.
Agree to set aside the emotional drama of your feelings for one another at this time ... the hurt, anger, resentment, jealousy, competition, frustration, regret ... and focus on just one issue: How will we tell our children about the divorce?
1. Put yourselves in your children's shoes.
Picture each of your children and talk to each other about how each child is likely to feel and react to the news. Put yourselves in their shoes and feel their emotions with deep compassion. You know your children. Discuss their ages and personalities. Are they likely to blame themselves ... erupt in anger ... beg you to stay together ... want to run away and hide? Find a place of agreement and be prepared with the most comforting words and reassurances that will resonate with each child.
2. Remind them they are not at fault.
Many children feet responsible in some way for their parent's relationship problems and divorce. They need reassurance, again and again, that the problem is not about them - even if you've been fighting about parenting issues. Assure them it's not their behavior that caused your conflict - and there is nothing they can do to make things different. You can say something like, "Mom and Dad have been having problems. We don't agree about certain key issues and that creates conflict. So we are going to make some changes, but none of this is your fault and never was."
3. Reassure them that Mom and Dad will always be their parents.
Your children need to understand two things at this time. Mom and Dad will always love them - and will always be their parents. It is important to emphasize that no matter what changes occur over the weeks, months and years ahead, Mom and Dad will still always be their real parents and no one else will replace them. Tell them you both will always be there for them, no matter where you live or how things should change.
You can say, "No matter what happens, no matter what changes occur, one thing is for certain. Mom and Dad will always love you. That will never change. Regardless of where we live, what we do and how old you get. You can count on that. And don't ever forget it." Make sure you live up to that in the arrangements you will be making.
4. Focus on change, not on blame.
Divorce is a scary word. It is wise at this time to talk to your children about change as a natural part of life. "Everything in life keeps changing. You grow bigger, stronger and smarter every year. The seasons change. You change grades and schools as you get older. Change means things will be different in some ways. It doesn't mean things will be bad. Often change can make things better, and that's what Mom and Dad want to do."
Explain that it can take time for us to get used to changes, like starting a new grade with a new teacher. Other times change gives us a chance to do things in a new and better way, like trying a new sport or a hobby you grow to love.
Mention that the changes in our family are not about who's right or wrong or who's good or bad. "Mom and Dad both tried their best to resolve our problems. The old way didn't work for us and now we will be trying a new way for our family to live so there's more peace, calmness and happiness for us all. Let's think about how we can see the changes ahead as a new adventure -- a brand new chapter in our lives. It may not only be different - it may be better!"
5. Your reassurance is essential..
Children are often frightened when faced with new experiences - and divorce is a monumental challenge for them to grasp. Keep reminding your children that everything will be okay. "Mom and Dad are working on all the details so you don't have to worry about anything because Mom and Dad have it all under control."
This isn't the time to go into a lot of specifics. You may not have many answers yourselves. Keep the message very generic. "We'll have new ways of doing some things ... some new responsibilities ... some differences in our schedules. But life will go on. We will get used to the differences. Some of them we may even prefer. And after a while, we'll look back and say, life is different than it used to be, but it's all okay. Mom and Dad are okay, you're all okay, our family is okay and we still love each other. And that's most important of all!"
Ideally both Mom and Dad should tell the children together and agree in advance about the messages you are conveying. If you're having the conversation alone, you must stay neutral and not talk disrespectfully about the other parent that your children still love. Focus on your children's feelings and reactions. Respond compassionately in the best way you can.
These core messages are the foundation your children will depend on when they are feeling frightened, sad or insecure. Repeat them often in your own words and your own style. You'll be rewarded in countless ways as you and your children encounter and overcome the challenges of life after divorce.
* * * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Acclaimed by divorce professionals around the world, the book provides age-appropriate fill-in-the-blank templates that guide parents in creating a unique family storybook with personal photographs as an ideal way to break the news to their children. For more details, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Off The Hook (1-17-2011)
Off The Hook (1-17-2011)
(Click title or enclosure to listen to this program)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
Teens can have a hard time saying “No” to their friends, so it helps them to have someone else to blame for not being able to participate.
Most kids do understand what’s not good for them, but they have a hard time turning down their peers. That’s where parents come in. You can be the fall guy and excuse for your teen to get out of something they really didn’t want to do anyway. Your saying “No” to their request will actually give them the out they needed with their friends. Oh, they may act disgruntled in front of their friends, but if your rules are fair, they will actually appreciate your decision, and appreciate you for taking the heat for it.
(Click title or enclosure to listen to this program)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
Teens can have a hard time saying “No” to their friends, so it helps them to have someone else to blame for not being able to participate.
Most kids do understand what’s not good for them, but they have a hard time turning down their peers. That’s where parents come in. You can be the fall guy and excuse for your teen to get out of something they really didn’t want to do anyway. Your saying “No” to their request will actually give them the out they needed with their friends. Oh, they may act disgruntled in front of their friends, but if your rules are fair, they will actually appreciate your decision, and appreciate you for taking the heat for it.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
From the Mouths of Our Children
From the Mouths of Our Children
A wonderful reminder of what your children are thinking.
Shared with the Child-Centered Divorce Network by Moreah Ragusa
Author of The New Divorce Paradigm
[moreah@moreahragusa.com]
I watch and listen to you, and you shape my life, and all my future relationships
I see what you do and it impacts me more than what you say
I once believed and may still believe that you are the greatest human on Earth
I can't really imagine living without you
I feel negated when it seems as though my feelings are not as important as your anger is -- if I don't do what you want.
I have all the feeling you have -- I just don't have the words to share them.
I want to feel important and valued even when you are mad at me
I imagine a life filled with wonder and possibilities
I am the only chance you have to practice becoming the parent you wanted to have
I aspire to be like you
I believe you can handle anything because you are my parent
I love to see your eyes sparkle when I walk into your sight
I appreciate that you try to make me happy, and protect me from sadness
And lastly...You are the parent I want to be loved by -- because I so love you!
Learn more about the Child-Centered Divorce Network, created to help parents make the best decisions on behalf of their children before, during and after a divorce: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To learn about Rosalind Sedacca's acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? visit www.howdoitellthekids.com.
8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa
A wonderful reminder of what your children are thinking.
Shared with the Child-Centered Divorce Network by Moreah Ragusa
Author of The New Divorce Paradigm
[moreah@moreahragusa.com]
I watch and listen to you, and you shape my life, and all my future relationships
I see what you do and it impacts me more than what you say
I once believed and may still believe that you are the greatest human on Earth
I can't really imagine living without you
I feel negated when it seems as though my feelings are not as important as your anger is -- if I don't do what you want.
I have all the feeling you have -- I just don't have the words to share them.
I want to feel important and valued even when you are mad at me
I imagine a life filled with wonder and possibilities
I am the only chance you have to practice becoming the parent you wanted to have
I aspire to be like you
I believe you can handle anything because you are my parent
I love to see your eyes sparkle when I walk into your sight
I appreciate that you try to make me happy, and protect me from sadness
And lastly...You are the parent I want to be loved by -- because I so love you!
Learn more about the Child-Centered Divorce Network, created to help parents make the best decisions on behalf of their children before, during and after a divorce: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To learn about Rosalind Sedacca's acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? visit www.howdoitellthekids.com.
8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa
Pets Help Families Through Divorce
Pets Help Families Through Divorce: Here are 6 Reasons Why
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Can a pet be helpful to your children during a divorce and the transition after? In my opinion, without a doubt! If your family has one or more pets, let your children have access to them as much as they desire. There is a great emotional benefit to them and your children are fortunate that the pets they love can still be in their lives.
If you don't already have a pet, I recommend getting one - but only if you are in a position to be responsible to that innocent animal during this time of additional stress in your life. If a family pet is out of the question, please consider giving your children time to play with the pets of friends and family. Take them to petting zoos. Allow them contact with other life forms that can give them joy at a time when they are likely experiencing stress and insecurity.
In the United States alone, close to 65%, or about 71 million households have pets. Statistics from the National Pet Owners Survey say 39% of these households own at least one dog and 34% one or more cats. This should come as no surprise since pets can be a blessing in the life of any human being at any age.
Here are six key benefits a pet provides for families coping with divorce:
1. Unconditional Love: It has been proven again and again that pets are a source of support and unconditional love for children. During and after divorce, when there is so much instability and insecurity in a child's life, a beloved pet can be the bridge to sanity. While much around them may be changing, sweet Fluffy is still there to love them and be by their side.
2. A confidant. Children like to talk to their pets. For most children pets are a trusted friend in which they can confide and share their deepest fears. This is truly a gift to children and greatly helps with emotional resiliency. Pets are nonjudgmental. They listen attentively. They "understand," And they always love you back. Isn't that what your children need at a time like this?
3. Security. Pets have been shown to help children better cope with challenging times within a family including divorce, illness and death. They feel less alone and abandoned. The relationship with the pet provides a deep sense of security that can't easily be duplicated. In early childhood a stuffed animal often serves much the same purpose. But kids rarely outgrow their bond with Fluffy, even when they mature into their teens.
4. Bridge to adults. Pets can bridge the emotional and communication gap between adults and children - especially when Mom and Dad are preoccupied with so many other time-consuming details during and after a divorce. They are a valued part of the family, a source of calm as the family moves through the storm of post-divorce transition.
5. Stress Reduction. Medical studies have shown that pets are just as beneficial for adults. Walking and talking to your dog or petting your cat can actually lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels, not to mention overall stress. Pets also are a great source of laughter and joy, a reminder that there are other aspects of life that are still wonderful to experience.
6. Best Friend. Pets also provide unconditional love, nurturing and comfort to adults who greatly need it as they transition through the grief of divorce. They're a best friend when you're alone and an appreciative ear when you want to vent or shed tears.
Connecting to other life forms is also a wonderful way to get a perspective about our place in the universe and our responsibilities toward others. When life can feel life it's crashing in around us it is valuable to remember we share this planet with other beings who depend on us for love, sustenance and nurturing as well
.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love. For her free articles, blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Can a pet be helpful to your children during a divorce and the transition after? In my opinion, without a doubt! If your family has one or more pets, let your children have access to them as much as they desire. There is a great emotional benefit to them and your children are fortunate that the pets they love can still be in their lives.
If you don't already have a pet, I recommend getting one - but only if you are in a position to be responsible to that innocent animal during this time of additional stress in your life. If a family pet is out of the question, please consider giving your children time to play with the pets of friends and family. Take them to petting zoos. Allow them contact with other life forms that can give them joy at a time when they are likely experiencing stress and insecurity.
In the United States alone, close to 65%, or about 71 million households have pets. Statistics from the National Pet Owners Survey say 39% of these households own at least one dog and 34% one or more cats. This should come as no surprise since pets can be a blessing in the life of any human being at any age.
Here are six key benefits a pet provides for families coping with divorce:
1. Unconditional Love: It has been proven again and again that pets are a source of support and unconditional love for children. During and after divorce, when there is so much instability and insecurity in a child's life, a beloved pet can be the bridge to sanity. While much around them may be changing, sweet Fluffy is still there to love them and be by their side.
2. A confidant. Children like to talk to their pets. For most children pets are a trusted friend in which they can confide and share their deepest fears. This is truly a gift to children and greatly helps with emotional resiliency. Pets are nonjudgmental. They listen attentively. They "understand," And they always love you back. Isn't that what your children need at a time like this?
3. Security. Pets have been shown to help children better cope with challenging times within a family including divorce, illness and death. They feel less alone and abandoned. The relationship with the pet provides a deep sense of security that can't easily be duplicated. In early childhood a stuffed animal often serves much the same purpose. But kids rarely outgrow their bond with Fluffy, even when they mature into their teens.
4. Bridge to adults. Pets can bridge the emotional and communication gap between adults and children - especially when Mom and Dad are preoccupied with so many other time-consuming details during and after a divorce. They are a valued part of the family, a source of calm as the family moves through the storm of post-divorce transition.
5. Stress Reduction. Medical studies have shown that pets are just as beneficial for adults. Walking and talking to your dog or petting your cat can actually lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels, not to mention overall stress. Pets also are a great source of laughter and joy, a reminder that there are other aspects of life that are still wonderful to experience.
6. Best Friend. Pets also provide unconditional love, nurturing and comfort to adults who greatly need it as they transition through the grief of divorce. They're a best friend when you're alone and an appreciative ear when you want to vent or shed tears.
Connecting to other life forms is also a wonderful way to get a perspective about our place in the universe and our responsibilities toward others. When life can feel life it's crashing in around us it is valuable to remember we share this planet with other beings who depend on us for love, sustenance and nurturing as well
.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love. For her free articles, blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
If your teenager is near the dating years,
PODCAST SCRIPT:
If your teenager is near the dating years, it’s a good exercise to let them come up with dating rules.
I’ve found that most kids can be pretty realistic when they are asked to come up with their own rules. So, before your teen goes out on their first date, have them come up with rules like the time for curfew and what to do if things get out of hand. Have them prepare their own list of dos and don’ts, and their own consequences for breaking those rules. Make adjustments as needed. Then, each time they go out on a date, remind them of the rules.
When a teen has input and feels ownership for their own rules, they tend to remember and follow them better.
If your teenager is near the dating years, it’s a good exercise to let them come up with dating rules.
I’ve found that most kids can be pretty realistic when they are asked to come up with their own rules. So, before your teen goes out on their first date, have them come up with rules like the time for curfew and what to do if things get out of hand. Have them prepare their own list of dos and don’ts, and their own consequences for breaking those rules. Make adjustments as needed. Then, each time they go out on a date, remind them of the rules.
When a teen has input and feels ownership for their own rules, they tend to remember and follow them better.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Getting Control of Teen Anger
Weekly tips for parents of teenagers from Mark Gregston and Heartlight Ministries Foundation
Getting Control of Teen Anger
Whether angry at the world, angry at America, or just a psychopath, 22-year-old Jared Lee Loughner struck out with homicidal anger this past weekend in Tucson, taking the lives of six and critically wounding Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords. It has become an all too common scene; younger individuals expressing anger by snuffing out the lives of others in public places.
Whenever such tragic events occur, I receive phone calls from parents wondering if their child may be the next news headline, since their teen also seems angry all the time, listens to the same music, smokes the same dope, wears the same clothes, or has other similarities. I assure them that teens don’t become homicidal just because they are angry or because they have the same interests as the latest mass-murderer. Barring mental illness or being hyped up on alcohol or drugs, most kids wouldn’t think of hurting another individual, let alone taking a life. (In any event, it does make sense to keep guns locked away from any teen who is expressing anger or is exhibiting depression).
In any event, teen anger must be dealt with or it will grow. It can be expressed in many different ways. It can be hot, physical and vengeful, or it can be cold, isolating and calculating. Whatever form anger takes, dealing with it begins with understanding what anger is and what causes it.
With teens, anger is usually an emotional response to not getting something wanted, or losing something once held dear. I’m not talking about anger over not getting material things, like the latest video game or a later curfew. What I’m talking about is a deeper anger over unfulfilled needs and wants, which usually happens when something of value is lost. For instance, a girl being angry because she was taken advantage of physically, so she’s lost a sense of self and self-respect in the process. Or, the more common situation of a child who is angry with one or both biological parents for their divorce and the split-up of the family.
Teens are especially attuned to injustice—real or perceived. Some can become angry just because they are starting to face the realization that life isn’t going to give them everything they want. For instance, while Jared Loughner obviously had mental illness and was known to use illegal drugs, he recently had some significant losses in his life, including being kicked out of college and rejected from the military. He was also convinced that the world would end in 2012, so his perceived future was bleak.
Anger is a symptom that is expressed through behavior, not the issue itself. The teenager may not even know why they are angry, but finding out what is missing or lost in their life is the key to dealing with it. When you take time to peel back the layers and get to the heart of the matter, you may uncover the real issue that is causing it to boil to the surface. Often this isn’t something a parent can do very effectively because they are somehow involved or implicated in the loss, so a trained counselor may need to be involved. And by the way, it never helps for the parents to become angry themselves; that’s extremely counter-productive to helping the teen get past their own anger.
Wise parents or counselors will spend time talking through and dissecting what is making the teenager angry. Asking questions like “What are you thinking about when you have these feelings of anger?” is better than asking “Why are you so angry all the time?” It changes the interaction from one of blame to one of interest. The goal should be to create an environment for solutions; one that welcomes the child, and makes sure they aren’t afraid to express their true emotions in an acceptable manner.
It’s okay to be angry. In fact scripture says, “Be angry…”, but it also says, “…but don’t sin.” (Ephesians 4:26) So, it is important to manage the behavioral side of a teenager’s anger while dealing with the emotional site. Teens can become very volatile, even violent at times; but physical and disrespectful outbursts cannot be allowed. A parent must draw and hold firm lines as to what behavior will and will not be tolerated. They may need to say, “If you’re angry, I’m okay with that. But if you become disrespectful, we will end this conversation until you can calm down. If you become physical, I will have you arrested.” The feelings they are suffering can seem very real to them, but it does not give them license to strike out.
Anger in Real Life
We once had a young lady at Heartlight named Sarah who came to us because of her anger issues. You see, the day she turned six, her father, a state trooper, was working an extra shift. Running late for her birthday party, he was hurrying home when he had a fatal car accident. Her mother later remarried and life went on, but several years later when Sarah became a teenager she began resenting her step-father and she became a very angry young girl.
She expressed her anger to her step-dad in hostile words and rebellion against his authority. It wasn’t that her step-dad was a bad guy, but the absence of her real dad from her life made her angry at the man who was there in his place. When she began to really understand death as a teenager, she didn’t know how to appropriately deal with her dad’s death–something she also blamed herself for since he was rushing home to attend her birthday party when it happened. The loss of her dad will always be with her, but Sarah has learned how to properly deal with the emotions she feels because of it.
We’ve also dealt with a number of other young people at Heartlight over the years who expressed their anger by running away. It’s important to distinguish between whether they were running away from something or running to something. Teens who run away from home often do so out of frustration. It’s hard, but parents of such runaways may need to step back and look at the way they respond to their teenager when they exhibit anger. The focus mustn’t solely be on eliminating the expression of anger—the symptom—or the real problem will never be resolved. Like a pressure-cooker, the heat is still on and the pressure grows. In fact, they may feel like they are literally going to explode physically, as well as emotionally. The only way they know to deal with it and relieve the pressure is to go somewhere else to reduce the heat.
Letting Off Steam
It’s never productive to simply put a stopper on anger—if you do, it will manifest itself somewhere else. As long as the underlying issue remains, those emotions must be dealt with in some fashion. When my dad told me, “Wipe that attitude out of your head right now,” it was nearly impossible for me to do so. I learned to smile and say “OK” but the anger was still there…and it always came out in other areas of my life.
Help your teen understand what is acceptable when it comes to expressing anger. And help them find appropriate ways to deal with their emotions, giving them ways to let off steam. We had a young man at Heartlight many years ago who had serious anger issues. I gave him an old golf club and told him to go out and beat on a tree when he felt like he couldn’t handle things any more. It gave him a way to dissipate his anger without hurting himself or anyone else while we worked with him to understand and process the truly awful things that had happened to him.
Don’t Disregard the Anger Warning Sign
Wise parents look at anger as a warning sign. If you see anger in a place you don’t expect it, it is an indication that there is something going on that you don’t know about that needs to be dealt with. Dig until you find it. Don’t let it go, because it will keep causing behavioral trouble until the underlying issue is dealt with.
Remember, behavior can be managed by consequences, but feelings are much deeper. When you tell a child not to feel a certain way; like saying, “Quit acting so angry all the time,” they don’t see how that is possible. But when you help them deal with the real issue that is causing the angry behavior, it instills a sense of hope. Getting at the root of the problem and finding strategies for working through it gives them a path they can follow, and a way to move on…past the anger.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our half-hour radio program last weekend. Follow the link below to hear it now online.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas.
LISTEN NOW: To hear our half-hour radio program on the topic of “Teen Anger,” listen online here (or look for the program at www.parentingtodaysteens.org).
• Email to a friend •
Getting Control of Teen Anger
Whether angry at the world, angry at America, or just a psychopath, 22-year-old Jared Lee Loughner struck out with homicidal anger this past weekend in Tucson, taking the lives of six and critically wounding Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords. It has become an all too common scene; younger individuals expressing anger by snuffing out the lives of others in public places.
Whenever such tragic events occur, I receive phone calls from parents wondering if their child may be the next news headline, since their teen also seems angry all the time, listens to the same music, smokes the same dope, wears the same clothes, or has other similarities. I assure them that teens don’t become homicidal just because they are angry or because they have the same interests as the latest mass-murderer. Barring mental illness or being hyped up on alcohol or drugs, most kids wouldn’t think of hurting another individual, let alone taking a life. (In any event, it does make sense to keep guns locked away from any teen who is expressing anger or is exhibiting depression).
In any event, teen anger must be dealt with or it will grow. It can be expressed in many different ways. It can be hot, physical and vengeful, or it can be cold, isolating and calculating. Whatever form anger takes, dealing with it begins with understanding what anger is and what causes it.
With teens, anger is usually an emotional response to not getting something wanted, or losing something once held dear. I’m not talking about anger over not getting material things, like the latest video game or a later curfew. What I’m talking about is a deeper anger over unfulfilled needs and wants, which usually happens when something of value is lost. For instance, a girl being angry because she was taken advantage of physically, so she’s lost a sense of self and self-respect in the process. Or, the more common situation of a child who is angry with one or both biological parents for their divorce and the split-up of the family.
Teens are especially attuned to injustice—real or perceived. Some can become angry just because they are starting to face the realization that life isn’t going to give them everything they want. For instance, while Jared Loughner obviously had mental illness and was known to use illegal drugs, he recently had some significant losses in his life, including being kicked out of college and rejected from the military. He was also convinced that the world would end in 2012, so his perceived future was bleak.
Anger is a symptom that is expressed through behavior, not the issue itself. The teenager may not even know why they are angry, but finding out what is missing or lost in their life is the key to dealing with it. When you take time to peel back the layers and get to the heart of the matter, you may uncover the real issue that is causing it to boil to the surface. Often this isn’t something a parent can do very effectively because they are somehow involved or implicated in the loss, so a trained counselor may need to be involved. And by the way, it never helps for the parents to become angry themselves; that’s extremely counter-productive to helping the teen get past their own anger.
Wise parents or counselors will spend time talking through and dissecting what is making the teenager angry. Asking questions like “What are you thinking about when you have these feelings of anger?” is better than asking “Why are you so angry all the time?” It changes the interaction from one of blame to one of interest. The goal should be to create an environment for solutions; one that welcomes the child, and makes sure they aren’t afraid to express their true emotions in an acceptable manner.
It’s okay to be angry. In fact scripture says, “Be angry…”, but it also says, “…but don’t sin.” (Ephesians 4:26) So, it is important to manage the behavioral side of a teenager’s anger while dealing with the emotional site. Teens can become very volatile, even violent at times; but physical and disrespectful outbursts cannot be allowed. A parent must draw and hold firm lines as to what behavior will and will not be tolerated. They may need to say, “If you’re angry, I’m okay with that. But if you become disrespectful, we will end this conversation until you can calm down. If you become physical, I will have you arrested.” The feelings they are suffering can seem very real to them, but it does not give them license to strike out.
Anger in Real Life
We once had a young lady at Heartlight named Sarah who came to us because of her anger issues. You see, the day she turned six, her father, a state trooper, was working an extra shift. Running late for her birthday party, he was hurrying home when he had a fatal car accident. Her mother later remarried and life went on, but several years later when Sarah became a teenager she began resenting her step-father and she became a very angry young girl.
She expressed her anger to her step-dad in hostile words and rebellion against his authority. It wasn’t that her step-dad was a bad guy, but the absence of her real dad from her life made her angry at the man who was there in his place. When she began to really understand death as a teenager, she didn’t know how to appropriately deal with her dad’s death–something she also blamed herself for since he was rushing home to attend her birthday party when it happened. The loss of her dad will always be with her, but Sarah has learned how to properly deal with the emotions she feels because of it.
We’ve also dealt with a number of other young people at Heartlight over the years who expressed their anger by running away. It’s important to distinguish between whether they were running away from something or running to something. Teens who run away from home often do so out of frustration. It’s hard, but parents of such runaways may need to step back and look at the way they respond to their teenager when they exhibit anger. The focus mustn’t solely be on eliminating the expression of anger—the symptom—or the real problem will never be resolved. Like a pressure-cooker, the heat is still on and the pressure grows. In fact, they may feel like they are literally going to explode physically, as well as emotionally. The only way they know to deal with it and relieve the pressure is to go somewhere else to reduce the heat.
Letting Off Steam
It’s never productive to simply put a stopper on anger—if you do, it will manifest itself somewhere else. As long as the underlying issue remains, those emotions must be dealt with in some fashion. When my dad told me, “Wipe that attitude out of your head right now,” it was nearly impossible for me to do so. I learned to smile and say “OK” but the anger was still there…and it always came out in other areas of my life.
Help your teen understand what is acceptable when it comes to expressing anger. And help them find appropriate ways to deal with their emotions, giving them ways to let off steam. We had a young man at Heartlight many years ago who had serious anger issues. I gave him an old golf club and told him to go out and beat on a tree when he felt like he couldn’t handle things any more. It gave him a way to dissipate his anger without hurting himself or anyone else while we worked with him to understand and process the truly awful things that had happened to him.
Don’t Disregard the Anger Warning Sign
Wise parents look at anger as a warning sign. If you see anger in a place you don’t expect it, it is an indication that there is something going on that you don’t know about that needs to be dealt with. Dig until you find it. Don’t let it go, because it will keep causing behavioral trouble until the underlying issue is dealt with.
Remember, behavior can be managed by consequences, but feelings are much deeper. When you tell a child not to feel a certain way; like saying, “Quit acting so angry all the time,” they don’t see how that is possible. But when you help them deal with the real issue that is causing the angry behavior, it instills a sense of hope. Getting at the root of the problem and finding strategies for working through it gives them a path they can follow, and a way to move on…past the anger.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our half-hour radio program last weekend. Follow the link below to hear it now online.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas.
LISTEN NOW: To hear our half-hour radio program on the topic of “Teen Anger,” listen online here (or look for the program at www.parentingtodaysteens.org).
• Email to a friend •
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Teen Troubles Can Ignite Marital Troubles
Weekly tips for parents of teenagers from Mark Gregston and Heartlight Ministries Foundation
Teen Troubles Can Ignite Marital Troubles
Famed humorist and author Mark Twain once said, “When a child turns 13, put them in a box. Cut a hole in the box to pass in food and water. When they turn 16, plug up the hole.” Unfortunately, teen troubles aren’t that easy to solve, and they can strain all of the relationships in the family . . . especially the parent’s marriage.
I received an email not long ago from a desperate grandmother who is rearing her teenage granddaughter. She told me, “She has always been hard to handle, but lately she has been getting out of hand. She is angry, disrespectful and mean. We’ve tried counseling and different parenting techniques, without success. Now, our marriage is on the brink of divorce.”
Did you notice how she immediately shifted from talking about her granddaughter’s issues, to mentioning how it is affecting her own marriage? I hear it all the time — and I see it on the faces of parents who bring their child to us at Heartlight. The stress and strain of dealing with a difficult child bent on self-destruction is more than most marriages can bear. The teen invariably pits the parents against each other and the parents begin blaming each other, or they conflict over the how to “fix” their child. It can and does tear families apart.
The worst thing that can happen for your teenager is for your family and marriage to crumble. Mom and dad need to protect their marriage, above all else. In fact, it is more important than just about anything the parents can do to help their child.
If you are struggling with your teen, make the commitment today that you will do whatever you have to do to protect or reestablish your marital relationship — even if it means removing your teen from your home for a time to give your relationship a rest. Your marriage needs to be your highest priority at this time.
Prescription for a Healthy Marriage Amidst Teen Troubles
1) See the experience as something you must manage together. A problem with a teen is simply something you are not going to be able to handle properly if there are divisions between you. Use the strengths of both husband and wife to deal with the situation.
2) Share your feelings. Honestly express the strains you are feeling because of what is happening. Don’t take an expression of pain from your spouse as an attack on you as a person or as a parent.
3) Present a united front to your teen. Sit down and talk to your teen together. Make it clear to them that the “Napoleon Strategy” of divide and conquer will not work. Lay out clear guidelines for how you will deal with problems together.
4) Don’t expect your spouse to fill the void. When a close relationship you enjoyed with a younger child is disrupted, do not turn to your spouse and place the responsibility on them to fill your expectations and pick up the slack.
5) Don’t expect your spouse to change. My wife and I spent a year and half in counseling together. One of the things that gave us the most help was being told to quit trying to change each other. It made our life immensely better.
6) Don’t blame each other for the problem. Since none of us is perfect, something your spouse did or failed to do may have contributed to the problem with the teen. The past cannot be changed; it is detrimental to try to fix blame for it.
7) Don’t avoid the pain. As the old saying goes, “Denial is not just a river in Egypt.” Trying to pretend like there isn’t anything wrong is a recipe for disaster. Honestly face the situation and plan your response to it with your eyes wide open.
Build in fun times together. Even though you’re struggling you still can enjoy good things in life. Do things with your teen and with each other. It keeps the spark of hope burning and reminds you that things can and will get better. Don’t let the fire go out!
The point is this, spend extra time together and keep working not just on your child’s problems, but on your own relationship as well. Take breaks away from the the kids and from talking about your teen’s problems. Don’t forsake your friends, hobbies or fun things in life. Your teen needs to see that they aren’t “winning” the battle by causing you to mope around or become hermits so you can keep your eye on them.
If you aren’t together and your marriage strong, your teen will know it…and use it against you. I’ve had parents say to me, “We just can’t see eye to eye.” My reply is, “Then get counseling and fix it.” Don’t let pride keep you from doing what your kids—and your marriage—need. All of us need guidance and direction to not only help us get to where we want to go, but also to keep from the places we never thought we would end up. Even Jan and I had to get counseling for a period of time, and it helped a lot.
If your teen sees his parents working through their problems with each other and with a counselor, it will give him hope that his situation can be resolved as well. It will give validity to their own need for a counselor, should it come to that. Don’t be afraid to share some of those struggles with him in the context of working toward a solution. “We’re going to remain strong even when don’t agree” gives the child license to see struggle and still be loved and accepted.
Tackle your own marital struggles and disagreements first, with a bedrock commitment to respect and unity, and you’ll give your teen a powerful example to follow. My friend DeeDee Mayer says that one of the great benefits of marriage is: “To know and be known as a human being and be loved anyway.” Extend that same benefit to your teen and make sure they know it as well.
Preventive Care
When I was a kid, people weren’t worried about skin cancer very much. You didn’t see moms at the beach slathering their kids with all different kinds of sunscreen or afraid to let them go outside to play. None of us knew what “SPF” was. Now we do. The purpose of sunscreen is to prevent something serious from happening later on. In the same way, you can…and should…apply sunscreen to your relationship well before the problems start.
We’ve had over 2500 kids come live with us at Heartlight over the past twenty years. Almost every parent has said something like this to me: “We never knew that our child was going to struggle like this,” or, “Our child seemingly changed overnight.” Those families weren’t prepared for what hit them, and for many, it led to difficulty in their marriage and even divorce.
Parents who are approaching the teen years would be wise to prepare ahead of time—ensuring that they are on the same page and the foundations of their marriage are strong. They’ll start taking steps today to guard their marriage from the problems that can come during the teen years. And for those who are in the midst of teen struggles now, they’d be wise to turn their attention toward their marriage first, and that will be the start of healing for the whole family, including their teen.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our half-hour radio program last weekend. Follow the link below to hear it now online.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas.
LISTEN NOW: To hear our half-hour radio program on this topic, listen online here (or look for the program at www.parentingtodaysteens.org).
Teen Troubles Can Ignite Marital Troubles
Famed humorist and author Mark Twain once said, “When a child turns 13, put them in a box. Cut a hole in the box to pass in food and water. When they turn 16, plug up the hole.” Unfortunately, teen troubles aren’t that easy to solve, and they can strain all of the relationships in the family . . . especially the parent’s marriage.
I received an email not long ago from a desperate grandmother who is rearing her teenage granddaughter. She told me, “She has always been hard to handle, but lately she has been getting out of hand. She is angry, disrespectful and mean. We’ve tried counseling and different parenting techniques, without success. Now, our marriage is on the brink of divorce.”
Did you notice how she immediately shifted from talking about her granddaughter’s issues, to mentioning how it is affecting her own marriage? I hear it all the time — and I see it on the faces of parents who bring their child to us at Heartlight. The stress and strain of dealing with a difficult child bent on self-destruction is more than most marriages can bear. The teen invariably pits the parents against each other and the parents begin blaming each other, or they conflict over the how to “fix” their child. It can and does tear families apart.
The worst thing that can happen for your teenager is for your family and marriage to crumble. Mom and dad need to protect their marriage, above all else. In fact, it is more important than just about anything the parents can do to help their child.
If you are struggling with your teen, make the commitment today that you will do whatever you have to do to protect or reestablish your marital relationship — even if it means removing your teen from your home for a time to give your relationship a rest. Your marriage needs to be your highest priority at this time.
Prescription for a Healthy Marriage Amidst Teen Troubles
1) See the experience as something you must manage together. A problem with a teen is simply something you are not going to be able to handle properly if there are divisions between you. Use the strengths of both husband and wife to deal with the situation.
2) Share your feelings. Honestly express the strains you are feeling because of what is happening. Don’t take an expression of pain from your spouse as an attack on you as a person or as a parent.
3) Present a united front to your teen. Sit down and talk to your teen together. Make it clear to them that the “Napoleon Strategy” of divide and conquer will not work. Lay out clear guidelines for how you will deal with problems together.
4) Don’t expect your spouse to fill the void. When a close relationship you enjoyed with a younger child is disrupted, do not turn to your spouse and place the responsibility on them to fill your expectations and pick up the slack.
5) Don’t expect your spouse to change. My wife and I spent a year and half in counseling together. One of the things that gave us the most help was being told to quit trying to change each other. It made our life immensely better.
6) Don’t blame each other for the problem. Since none of us is perfect, something your spouse did or failed to do may have contributed to the problem with the teen. The past cannot be changed; it is detrimental to try to fix blame for it.
7) Don’t avoid the pain. As the old saying goes, “Denial is not just a river in Egypt.” Trying to pretend like there isn’t anything wrong is a recipe for disaster. Honestly face the situation and plan your response to it with your eyes wide open.
Build in fun times together. Even though you’re struggling you still can enjoy good things in life. Do things with your teen and with each other. It keeps the spark of hope burning and reminds you that things can and will get better. Don’t let the fire go out!
The point is this, spend extra time together and keep working not just on your child’s problems, but on your own relationship as well. Take breaks away from the the kids and from talking about your teen’s problems. Don’t forsake your friends, hobbies or fun things in life. Your teen needs to see that they aren’t “winning” the battle by causing you to mope around or become hermits so you can keep your eye on them.
If you aren’t together and your marriage strong, your teen will know it…and use it against you. I’ve had parents say to me, “We just can’t see eye to eye.” My reply is, “Then get counseling and fix it.” Don’t let pride keep you from doing what your kids—and your marriage—need. All of us need guidance and direction to not only help us get to where we want to go, but also to keep from the places we never thought we would end up. Even Jan and I had to get counseling for a period of time, and it helped a lot.
If your teen sees his parents working through their problems with each other and with a counselor, it will give him hope that his situation can be resolved as well. It will give validity to their own need for a counselor, should it come to that. Don’t be afraid to share some of those struggles with him in the context of working toward a solution. “We’re going to remain strong even when don’t agree” gives the child license to see struggle and still be loved and accepted.
Tackle your own marital struggles and disagreements first, with a bedrock commitment to respect and unity, and you’ll give your teen a powerful example to follow. My friend DeeDee Mayer says that one of the great benefits of marriage is: “To know and be known as a human being and be loved anyway.” Extend that same benefit to your teen and make sure they know it as well.
Preventive Care
When I was a kid, people weren’t worried about skin cancer very much. You didn’t see moms at the beach slathering their kids with all different kinds of sunscreen or afraid to let them go outside to play. None of us knew what “SPF” was. Now we do. The purpose of sunscreen is to prevent something serious from happening later on. In the same way, you can…and should…apply sunscreen to your relationship well before the problems start.
We’ve had over 2500 kids come live with us at Heartlight over the past twenty years. Almost every parent has said something like this to me: “We never knew that our child was going to struggle like this,” or, “Our child seemingly changed overnight.” Those families weren’t prepared for what hit them, and for many, it led to difficulty in their marriage and even divorce.
Parents who are approaching the teen years would be wise to prepare ahead of time—ensuring that they are on the same page and the foundations of their marriage are strong. They’ll start taking steps today to guard their marriage from the problems that can come during the teen years. And for those who are in the midst of teen struggles now, they’d be wise to turn their attention toward their marriage first, and that will be the start of healing for the whole family, including their teen.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our half-hour radio program last weekend. Follow the link below to hear it now online.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas.
LISTEN NOW: To hear our half-hour radio program on this topic, listen online here (or look for the program at www.parentingtodaysteens.org).
Parents can tend to “pour on” criticism in the teen years,
Parents can tend to “pour on” criticism in the teen years, especially when their teenager responds with a scowl, a turned back or a shrugged shoulder.
Constant criticism may be one of the greatest failings of otherwise caring and concerned parents, since it can lead an already introspective adolescent to exasperation and lifelong self-consciousness.
While an overly criticized teen may act defensively or like they don’t care, they really do take it to heart. In fact, to them each criticism might feel like a slap in the face.
So take care how you criticize your teen. Avoid criticizing their tastes, desires, decisions or physical attributes. Stop the cycle of criticism, since it tends to be something that’s learned and passed on from generation to generation.
by Mark Gregston
Constant criticism may be one of the greatest failings of otherwise caring and concerned parents, since it can lead an already introspective adolescent to exasperation and lifelong self-consciousness.
While an overly criticized teen may act defensively or like they don’t care, they really do take it to heart. In fact, to them each criticism might feel like a slap in the face.
So take care how you criticize your teen. Avoid criticizing their tastes, desires, decisions or physical attributes. Stop the cycle of criticism, since it tends to be something that’s learned and passed on from generation to generation.
by Mark Gregston
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
5 Ways to Safeguard Your Children During and After Divorce
5 Ways to Safeguard Your Children During and After Divorce
Communication with our children is always important, but never as
essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce.
Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their
routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress
and anxiety they'll experience. This is the time to reassure your
children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the
family will be okay, Then, of course, take responsibility for doing
what needs to be done to assure their well-being.
Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive
during and after your divorce.
1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children's lives as is
feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors
provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in
the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible,
serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in
many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other
changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on
their emotional security.
2. Make spending time and attention with your children a priority.
With all the stress in your life it's easy to overlook your kid's
need for stability and security. The best source for that is you.
It's easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but
your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and
attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them.
Make sure you are generous with both!
3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with
their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing
questions from the outside, such as, "I don't know. My mom and dad
are working on that." Or "You'll have to ask my mom about that." Do
whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have
and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with
adult responsibilities or communication.
4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of
a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as
well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who
know what they are going through and can share feelings and
stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find
support groups, clubs or other gatherings.
5. Don't wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is
often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to
be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they
can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel "heard" by an
objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school
professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.
Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in
bed. So may your children. But they can't always express what they
are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in
protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep
the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can.
This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get
through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Communication with our children is always important, but never as
essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce.
Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their
routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress
and anxiety they'll experience. This is the time to reassure your
children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the
family will be okay, Then, of course, take responsibility for doing
what needs to be done to assure their well-being.
Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive
during and after your divorce.
1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children's lives as is
feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors
provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in
the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible,
serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in
many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other
changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on
their emotional security.
2, Make spending time and attention with your children a priority.
With all the stress in your life it's easy to overlook your kid's
need for stability and security. The best source for that is you.
It's easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but
your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and
attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them.
Make sure you are generous with both!
3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with
their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing
questions from the outside, such as, "I don't know. My mom and dad
are working on that." Or "You'll have to ask my mom about that." Do
whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have
and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with
adult responsibilities or communication.
4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of
a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as
well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who
know what they are going through and can share feelings and
stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find
support groups, clubs or other gatherings.
5. Don't wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is
often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to
be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they
can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel "heard" by an
objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school
professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.
Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in
bed. So may your children. But they can't always express what they
are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in
protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep
the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can.
This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get
through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Communication with our children is always important, but never as
essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce.
Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their
routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress
and anxiety they'll experience. This is the time to reassure your
children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the
family will be okay, Then, of course, take responsibility for doing
what needs to be done to assure their well-being.
Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive
during and after your divorce.
1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children's lives as is
feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors
provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in
the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible,
serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in
many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other
changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on
their emotional security.
2, Make spending time and attention with your children a priority.
With all the stress in your life it's easy to overlook your kid's
need for stability and security. The best source for that is you.
It's easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but
your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and
attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them.
Make sure you are generous with both!
3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with
their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing
questions from the outside, such as, "I don't know. My mom and dad
are working on that." Or "You'll have to ask my mom about that." Do
whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have
and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with
adult responsibilities or communication.
4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of
a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as
well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who
know what they are going through and can share feelings and
stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find
support groups, clubs or other gatherings.
5. Don't wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is
often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to
be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they
can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel "heard" by an
objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school
professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.
Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in
bed. So may your children. But they can't always express what they
are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in
protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep
the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can.
This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get
through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Communication with our children is always important, but never as
essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce.
Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their
routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress
and anxiety they'll experience. This is the time to reassure your
children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the
family will be okay, Then, of course, take responsibility for doing
what needs to be done to assure their well-being.
Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive
during and after your divorce.
1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children's lives as is
feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors
provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in
the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible,
serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in
many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other
changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on
their emotional security.
2. Make spending time and attention with your children a priority.
With all the stress in your life it's easy to overlook your kid's
need for stability and security. The best source for that is you.
It's easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but
your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and
attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them.
Make sure you are generous with both!
3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with
their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing
questions from the outside, such as, "I don't know. My mom and dad
are working on that." Or "You'll have to ask my mom about that." Do
whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have
and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with
adult responsibilities or communication.
4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of
a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as
well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who
know what they are going through and can share feelings and
stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find
support groups, clubs or other gatherings.
5. Don't wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is
often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to
be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they
can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel "heard" by an
objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school
professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.
Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in
bed. So may your children. But they can't always express what they
are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in
protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep
the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can.
This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get
through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Communication with our children is always important, but never as
essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce.
Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their
routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress
and anxiety they'll experience. This is the time to reassure your
children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the
family will be okay, Then, of course, take responsibility for doing
what needs to be done to assure their well-being.
Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive
during and after your divorce.
1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children's lives as is
feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors
provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in
the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible,
serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in
many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other
changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on
their emotional security.
2, Make spending time and attention with your children a priority.
With all the stress in your life it's easy to overlook your kid's
need for stability and security. The best source for that is you.
It's easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but
your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and
attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them.
Make sure you are generous with both!
3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with
their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing
questions from the outside, such as, "I don't know. My mom and dad
are working on that." Or "You'll have to ask my mom about that." Do
whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have
and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with
adult responsibilities or communication.
4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of
a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as
well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who
know what they are going through and can share feelings and
stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find
support groups, clubs or other gatherings.
5. Don't wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is
often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to
be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they
can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel "heard" by an
objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school
professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.
Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in
bed. So may your children. But they can't always express what they
are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in
protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep
the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can.
This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get
through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Communication with our children is always important, but never as
essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce.
Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their
routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress
and anxiety they'll experience. This is the time to reassure your
children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the
family will be okay, Then, of course, take responsibility for doing
what needs to be done to assure their well-being.
Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive
during and after your divorce.
1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children's lives as is
feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors
provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in
the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible,
serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in
many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other
changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on
their emotional security.
2, Make spending time and attention with your children a priority.
With all the stress in your life it's easy to overlook your kid's
need for stability and security. The best source for that is you.
It's easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but
your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and
attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them.
Make sure you are generous with both!
3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with
their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing
questions from the outside, such as, "I don't know. My mom and dad
are working on that." Or "You'll have to ask my mom about that." Do
whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have
and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with
adult responsibilities or communication.
4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of
a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as
well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who
know what they are going through and can share feelings and
stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find
support groups, clubs or other gatherings.
5. Don't wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is
often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to
be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they
can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel "heard" by an
objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school
professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.
Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in
bed. So may your children. But they can't always express what they
are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in
protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep
the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can.
This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get
through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
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