Divorce Recovery: Beware Your Expectations
Divorce Coach Shelley Stile of Coaching for Change/Divorce Recovery for Women is my guest contributor this week. While her article comes from a female perspective, don't let that keep you from getting the message regardless of your gender. Women as well as men disappoint us as exes and also fall into the quagmire of unrealistic expectations. You can reach Shelley at: www.changecoachshelley.com.
In a nutshell, expectations are premeditated resentments and disappointments. They are self-sabotaging beliefs we hold that literally set us up to feel bad and keep us stuck in the pain of our divorce. They are in direct conflict with how the world actually works and are based on the phrase, 'should be'. In order to let go of the pain of our divorce, we must let go of impossible expectations.
What exactly is an impossible expectation? How about: I expect my ex to treat me with respect. I expect that my ex will be totally fair as regards our financial settlement. I expect my ex to feel regret for his bad behavior. I expect my ex to have trouble moving on after our divorce. I expect my ex to support me emotionally. I expect my ex to be a great Father to our kids.
Life rarely goes according to plan. Life has its ups and downs, its joys and sorrows. Life is never all one particular way: always good or always bad. The nature of existence is that life is chaotic, that it is in a continual state of change, that we cannot predict what will come next and there are no guarantees. That's just a start. Life isn't necessarily fair. We cannot control the outer world. The list of what life is goes on and on. The problem that arises is when we create expectations about life that are virtually impossible or unenforceable.
Let's take a close look at a particular situation in order to experience the truth of this fact. Sara is separated and getting divorced. Her husband left saying that he was not happy. After the fact she discovered that he was also having an affair, something he initially denied. Sara is having trouble because her ex continues to lie. Sara's impossible expectation is that her ex stops lying. She also expects for him to come clean about everything he has done. She expects for him to be on time for visiting the children, something by the way he couldn't manage even when they were married. As a result of her ex not living up to her expectations, she is continually angry, frustrated, resentful and disappointed.
The problem of course is that her expectations are impossible or unenforceable. Her husband lies and she has no control over that fact. That is just what he does and to expect him to become Mr. Truth overnight is totally unrealistic...virtually an impossible expectation. She also wants him to come clean and fess up, something that is not part of his character. Again, an unenforceable or impossible expectation. Suddenly, she expects her ex to be on time for the kids, something he has proven over and over again that he does not do. Is it a wonder that Sara is miserable? She is in a constant state of disappointment and resentment.
Sara cannot control her ex. She has a set of impossible or unenforceable expectation she is living under and they are the crux of her misery. She cannot change her ex or transform his character. Sara can control her expectations. She can identify where she is setting herself up by exposing all the impossible expectations she has surrounding her ex and seeing how they cause her great pain. Once she has identified these expectations, she can move forward by acknowledging that they are indeed impossible and not under her control. She also needs to remind herself of the real laws of the universe.
Namely: Life isn't necessarily fair. Life has its ups and down, its joys and sorrow. Life involves suffering. Life is unpredictable. Life doesn't always go according to plan. Sometimes people do bad things (and sometimes they do good things!) There is much in life over which we have no control. It is not so much what happens to us in life but rather how we choose to handle what life throws our way!
If you are using the phrase 'should be', then you know you are living with unrealistic, impossible or unenforceable expectations. Should be's always point to a fantasy world. We reject what is and expect what we feel should be. My ex shouldn't lie. Except of course he does. My ex should be emotionally supportive. Except of course he isn't. You get the picture. We can continue to resist what is or accept the truth. It ultimately comes down to a choice. As a human being, choice is our most powerful asset.
Choosing to let go of impossible expectations is choosing to let go of blame, resentment, disappointment, anger, frustration, disillusionment and regret. Choosing to accept what is versus what should be is living in the truth and the truth will give you the freedom to re-create your life.
I suggest that you make a list of all of the impossible or unenforceable expectations that you have. Notice when you become upset: see what expectation might be operating. Notice when you are working under should be's. By setting down these expectations in writing, we can begin to identify where we need to change our points of view.
Next make a list of the real laws of the universe so that you can begin to drop unrealistic expectations. What do you know to be true of life? Are there any guarantees? Is everything always a bowl of cherries? In other word, get real!
I guarantee that your self-imposed impossible expectations are a major source of your inability to let go of the pain of your divorce and move forward. This concept does not just apply to divorce recovery. It applies to all of life. Visualize a little child stamping their foot and exclaiming, "But that isn't fair!" Don't be that child.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar facilitator, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book helps parents create a unique personal family storybook that uses fill-in-the-blank templates to guide them through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information, free articles, child-centered divorce resources and Rosalind's free ezine, visit to http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Blended Families: 7 Sure-fire Tips for Long-Term Success
Blended Families: 7 Sure-fire Tips for Long-Term Success
Respected author Carolyn Ellis has some sound advice for parents tackling the challenges of being part of a blended family. Take it to heart!
Blended families are becoming a reality for more people every year. Did you know that one in three Americans is part of a blended family, either as a step-parent, step-child or step-sibling? What kind of blended family will you have?
Here are 7 sure-fire ways to undermine your blended family and tips to get you back on track.
1. Ask a Parent to Choose Between Children and a New Spouse
There's a lot of truth to the saying "blood is thicker than water." Too often I hear of step-parents experiencing jealousy or feeling threatened by the children of their new partner. New step-parents need to realize that a parent needs time and space to love and nurture the relationship with his or her children.
Tip: Love is an abundant natural resource and there is enough love for both you and his or her children.
2. Start the Turf Wars
Some step-parents try to win favor by overcompensating and bending over backwards to please everyone. Sometimes the overly eager-to-be-accepted step-mom may step on the toes of the biological mother, which can set up a turf war that nobody ends up winning.
Tip: Be respectful of yourself and others. You can build strong relationships with your partner's children on your own merits by being who you are.
3. Suffer in Silence and Nurse a Grudge
The dynamics of a step-family are incredibly complex, with all kinds of conflicting loyalties. Suffering in silence or nursing grudges adds to the complications. If you want a blended family that respects, understands, and ultimately loves one another, you'll have to speak up and be heard.
Tip: Communicate, communicate, communicate. Ask for what you want. Ask constructive questions and invite dialogue with other members of your blended family, including the children and ex-spouse as needed.
4. Don't Take It Personally
Expect children, and even former spouses and new spouses, to test boundaries and limits of the new blended family. Stress management expert Tim O'Brien recommends the QTIP technique - Quit Taking It Personally. Don't look at other people's behavior as a judgment about yourself.
Tip: Take a deep breath, count to ten and ask yourself, "Is this really my issue?"
5. Use Different Strokes for Different Folks
When each spouse brings children from previous relationships into one blended family, but with radically different discipline and house rules, watch out! The charges of favoritism and unfairness will start pretty quickly. Some amount of consistency will help the new family to gel.
Tip: Identify how discipline and chores will be handled and by whom, ideally before you start living together. Ongoing communication and review is important.
6. Expect To Be the Brady Bunch
Wouldn't it be interesting to see the prequel of the Brady Bunch and hear the discussions and issues they faced before they merged so happily? Put aside the fantasy that if someone loves you, they are going to automatically love your children and vice versa. Relationships are always works in progress and have to be built over time.
Tip: Create a big picture of what you'd like your blended family to look and feel like. Make your day-to-day choices based on what will move you towards that vision.
7. Don't Have a Game Plan
Crossing your fingers and hoping that everything "will work out for the best" is a slippery slope. Take some leadership and decide what your role will be. Do you see yourself as a trusted advisor, third parent, or a detached observer? What role does your new spouse want you to play?
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Tip: Realize that blended families are playing in a whole new ballpark than the traditional, nuclear family. Create some agreements on the roles and responsibilities people in this new family system will have. Expect to fine-tune it on a regular basis.
Author and spiritual divorce coach, Carolyn B. Ellis, founded Thrive After Divorce, Inc. to help separated and divorced individuals improve relationships, increase self-confidence and save time and heartache. She is the award-winning author of the best-selling The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive After Divorce. To read a FREE chapter of her Parenting after Divorce 101 ebook that contains simple, life-changing tips for single parenting, visit http://www.parentingafterdivorce101.com.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love. For her free articles, blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Respected author Carolyn Ellis has some sound advice for parents tackling the challenges of being part of a blended family. Take it to heart!
Blended families are becoming a reality for more people every year. Did you know that one in three Americans is part of a blended family, either as a step-parent, step-child or step-sibling? What kind of blended family will you have?
Here are 7 sure-fire ways to undermine your blended family and tips to get you back on track.
1. Ask a Parent to Choose Between Children and a New Spouse
There's a lot of truth to the saying "blood is thicker than water." Too often I hear of step-parents experiencing jealousy or feeling threatened by the children of their new partner. New step-parents need to realize that a parent needs time and space to love and nurture the relationship with his or her children.
Tip: Love is an abundant natural resource and there is enough love for both you and his or her children.
2. Start the Turf Wars
Some step-parents try to win favor by overcompensating and bending over backwards to please everyone. Sometimes the overly eager-to-be-accepted step-mom may step on the toes of the biological mother, which can set up a turf war that nobody ends up winning.
Tip: Be respectful of yourself and others. You can build strong relationships with your partner's children on your own merits by being who you are.
3. Suffer in Silence and Nurse a Grudge
The dynamics of a step-family are incredibly complex, with all kinds of conflicting loyalties. Suffering in silence or nursing grudges adds to the complications. If you want a blended family that respects, understands, and ultimately loves one another, you'll have to speak up and be heard.
Tip: Communicate, communicate, communicate. Ask for what you want. Ask constructive questions and invite dialogue with other members of your blended family, including the children and ex-spouse as needed.
4. Don't Take It Personally
Expect children, and even former spouses and new spouses, to test boundaries and limits of the new blended family. Stress management expert Tim O'Brien recommends the QTIP technique - Quit Taking It Personally. Don't look at other people's behavior as a judgment about yourself.
Tip: Take a deep breath, count to ten and ask yourself, "Is this really my issue?"
5. Use Different Strokes for Different Folks
When each spouse brings children from previous relationships into one blended family, but with radically different discipline and house rules, watch out! The charges of favoritism and unfairness will start pretty quickly. Some amount of consistency will help the new family to gel.
Tip: Identify how discipline and chores will be handled and by whom, ideally before you start living together. Ongoing communication and review is important.
6. Expect To Be the Brady Bunch
Wouldn't it be interesting to see the prequel of the Brady Bunch and hear the discussions and issues they faced before they merged so happily? Put aside the fantasy that if someone loves you, they are going to automatically love your children and vice versa. Relationships are always works in progress and have to be built over time.
Tip: Create a big picture of what you'd like your blended family to look and feel like. Make your day-to-day choices based on what will move you towards that vision.
7. Don't Have a Game Plan
Crossing your fingers and hoping that everything "will work out for the best" is a slippery slope. Take some leadership and decide what your role will be. Do you see yourself as a trusted advisor, third parent, or a detached observer? What role does your new spouse want you to play?
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Tip: Realize that blended families are playing in a whole new ballpark than the traditional, nuclear family. Create some agreements on the roles and responsibilities people in this new family system will have. Expect to fine-tune it on a regular basis.
Author and spiritual divorce coach, Carolyn B. Ellis, founded Thrive After Divorce, Inc. to help separated and divorced individuals improve relationships, increase self-confidence and save time and heartache. She is the award-winning author of the best-selling The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive After Divorce. To read a FREE chapter of her Parenting after Divorce 101 ebook that contains simple, life-changing tips for single parenting, visit http://www.parentingafterdivorce101.com.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love. For her free articles, blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Monday, July 18, 2011
Boynton Beach author offers free divorce resources through July for parents
Boynton Beach author offers free divorce resources through July for parents
July 15, 2011|By Jaclyn Rosansky, Sun Sentinel
In 1995, local author Rosalind Sedacca was worried about how to tell her young son about her impending divorce. She came up with a way to smooth his transition: a scrapbook explaining the divorce thoughtfully.
After realizing there should be a template or model for how to tell children about divorce, she wrote a homemade storybook and made it downloadable so parents could customize it with photos and personal information.
"How Do I tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create a Storybook Guide to Preparing your Children — with Love!" uses two age-appropriate, fill-in-the-blank templates for parents to use when breaking the news.
Her now-adult son wrote the introduction.
She is offering her special divorce advice and more for free for in July, which is National Child-Centered Divorce month. She applied five years ago to Chase's Calendar of Events, a resource for creating special days, weeks and months, to make July a special time for parents to think about the impact divorce can have on children. The process took several months to finalize.
She also created the Child-Centered Divorce Network as a support and resource center for parents to handle divorce the "right way."
Sedacca, who lives in Boynton Beach, is a relationship coach, professional speaker and holds a bachelor's degree in communications.
"All couples should ask themselves this question," Sedacca said. "Do I love my children more than I hate my ex?"
Answering this question reminds parents to remain civil and ensure their children are first priority, she said.
Another expert, Ron LaSorsa, offers advice for couples with children and whose marriages are broken. He grew up around divorce and experienced it as an adult, and founded the Kids Come First Coalition so that professionals and individuals could talk and makes suggestions for telling kids about divorce.
"The traditional divorce process has a negative impact on children," LaSorsa said.
Some mistakes parents often make include: making the child a messenger between parents, having the child make divorce decisions, alienating the child and telling a child adult information such as if one parent is an alcoholic.
Older children especially, Sedacca said, are affected the most because they often develop resentment and anger that result from divorce.
Parents should constantly tell the child it is not their fault for the divorce, make them feel loved and use co-parenting skills.
"The problem is not divorce," Sedacca said, "It's how divorce is handled."
For access to free divorce resources online for the rest of the month, visit childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce, Sedacca's website at childcentereddivorce.com or contact Sedacca for more information at rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com. LaSorsa can be reached at kidscomefirstcoalition@gmail.com and his website is divorcecures.com.
July 15, 2011|By Jaclyn Rosansky, Sun Sentinel
In 1995, local author Rosalind Sedacca was worried about how to tell her young son about her impending divorce. She came up with a way to smooth his transition: a scrapbook explaining the divorce thoughtfully.
After realizing there should be a template or model for how to tell children about divorce, she wrote a homemade storybook and made it downloadable so parents could customize it with photos and personal information.
"How Do I tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create a Storybook Guide to Preparing your Children — with Love!" uses two age-appropriate, fill-in-the-blank templates for parents to use when breaking the news.
Her now-adult son wrote the introduction.
She is offering her special divorce advice and more for free for in July, which is National Child-Centered Divorce month. She applied five years ago to Chase's Calendar of Events, a resource for creating special days, weeks and months, to make July a special time for parents to think about the impact divorce can have on children. The process took several months to finalize.
She also created the Child-Centered Divorce Network as a support and resource center for parents to handle divorce the "right way."
Sedacca, who lives in Boynton Beach, is a relationship coach, professional speaker and holds a bachelor's degree in communications.
"All couples should ask themselves this question," Sedacca said. "Do I love my children more than I hate my ex?"
Answering this question reminds parents to remain civil and ensure their children are first priority, she said.
Another expert, Ron LaSorsa, offers advice for couples with children and whose marriages are broken. He grew up around divorce and experienced it as an adult, and founded the Kids Come First Coalition so that professionals and individuals could talk and makes suggestions for telling kids about divorce.
"The traditional divorce process has a negative impact on children," LaSorsa said.
Some mistakes parents often make include: making the child a messenger between parents, having the child make divorce decisions, alienating the child and telling a child adult information such as if one parent is an alcoholic.
Older children especially, Sedacca said, are affected the most because they often develop resentment and anger that result from divorce.
Parents should constantly tell the child it is not their fault for the divorce, make them feel loved and use co-parenting skills.
"The problem is not divorce," Sedacca said, "It's how divorce is handled."
For access to free divorce resources online for the rest of the month, visit childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce, Sedacca's website at childcentereddivorce.com or contact Sedacca for more information at rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com. LaSorsa can be reached at kidscomefirstcoalition@gmail.com and his website is divorcecures.com.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
A Warning for Divorced Parents with Teens: Keep Dads Actively Parenting
A Warning for Divorced Parents with Teens: Keep Dads Actively Parenting
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I have several divorced friends and colleagues with teenagers who are displaying disturbing behavior problems. These teens, especially the boys, are acting out in all the ways parents pray they never have to experience: drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd, school problems, disrespectful and inconsiderate behavior -- you get the idea.
While each of these teens have parents who are divorced, there's more to it than just that. Their biological fathers are not playing a strong role in their lives. And their mothers do not have a positive relationship with their "wasband."
Does this mean that all children of divorce whose fathers are not actively in their lives will grow up to be troubled teens? Of course not. But there is a strong correlation between a father's influence and a child's - especially a son's -- sense of positive self-esteem and responsible behavior.
We all know it's tough to be a teen. The challenges are enormous and the influences toward negative and anti-social behaviors are substantial within our culture. When you add the absence of a strong father figure to the mix, many young men just can't overcome the lack of emotional support in their lives. They are more vulnerable to the temptations of acting out and going astray.
Co-parenting after divorce is never easy, nor are there simple answers for creating a smooth transition post-divorce into the parenting arena. However there are pitfalls we can all strive to avoid and warning signs that lead to potential problems that every divorced parent should keep in mind.
Dads: Stay in your kids' lives as a parent, not a playmate. Take responsibility for talking to your teens on a regular basis about key issues, especially what it means to be a responsible young adult, how to treat parents, teachers and siblings respectfully and goals to aspire toward for a successful future.
Moms: Honor your teen's relationship with their biological Dad - even if a Step-Father or other male relationship partners are in the picture. Let their Dad actively parent them and be a model for healthy, responsible behavior. Don't be a wedge between father and son/daughter or put down their father in their presence. You are laying the foundation for bringing into society a young adult who matures with compassion for others and high self-esteem.
Parents: The key to parenting successfully after a divorce is maturity. Make decisions about your sons and daughters from the place of a caring, loving parent, not a vengeful former spouse. Don't take out your frustrations with your ex on your children. Overlook the minor and petty annoyances and focus on the big picture -- raising confident, empathic, considerate and loving children.
When an issue comes along that pushes your buttons, ask yourself this question: How would I respond to this parenting dilemma if I wasn't divorced? Then focus on the right answer for the well-being of your children ... as a parent - not just a divorced parent.
The rewards you derive in the years to come will more than offset the frustrations and inconveniences that inevitably are part of post-divorce co-parenting. Aren't your children worth it?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I have several divorced friends and colleagues with teenagers who are displaying disturbing behavior problems. These teens, especially the boys, are acting out in all the ways parents pray they never have to experience: drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd, school problems, disrespectful and inconsiderate behavior -- you get the idea.
While each of these teens have parents who are divorced, there's more to it than just that. Their biological fathers are not playing a strong role in their lives. And their mothers do not have a positive relationship with their "wasband."
Does this mean that all children of divorce whose fathers are not actively in their lives will grow up to be troubled teens? Of course not. But there is a strong correlation between a father's influence and a child's - especially a son's -- sense of positive self-esteem and responsible behavior.
We all know it's tough to be a teen. The challenges are enormous and the influences toward negative and anti-social behaviors are substantial within our culture. When you add the absence of a strong father figure to the mix, many young men just can't overcome the lack of emotional support in their lives. They are more vulnerable to the temptations of acting out and going astray.
Co-parenting after divorce is never easy, nor are there simple answers for creating a smooth transition post-divorce into the parenting arena. However there are pitfalls we can all strive to avoid and warning signs that lead to potential problems that every divorced parent should keep in mind.
Dads: Stay in your kids' lives as a parent, not a playmate. Take responsibility for talking to your teens on a regular basis about key issues, especially what it means to be a responsible young adult, how to treat parents, teachers and siblings respectfully and goals to aspire toward for a successful future.
Moms: Honor your teen's relationship with their biological Dad - even if a Step-Father or other male relationship partners are in the picture. Let their Dad actively parent them and be a model for healthy, responsible behavior. Don't be a wedge between father and son/daughter or put down their father in their presence. You are laying the foundation for bringing into society a young adult who matures with compassion for others and high self-esteem.
Parents: The key to parenting successfully after a divorce is maturity. Make decisions about your sons and daughters from the place of a caring, loving parent, not a vengeful former spouse. Don't take out your frustrations with your ex on your children. Overlook the minor and petty annoyances and focus on the big picture -- raising confident, empathic, considerate and loving children.
When an issue comes along that pushes your buttons, ask yourself this question: How would I respond to this parenting dilemma if I wasn't divorced? Then focus on the right answer for the well-being of your children ... as a parent - not just a divorced parent.
The rewards you derive in the years to come will more than offset the frustrations and inconveniences that inevitably are part of post-divorce co-parenting. Aren't your children worth it?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Cooperative Co-parenting - Keys to Making It Work
Cooperative Co-parenting - Keys to Making It Work
By Rosalind Sedacca
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry tells us that children of divorce do best when both of their parents continue to be actively involved in their lives. It's the ongoing connection that makes the positive difference for these children, minimizing the fact that their parents no longer live together.
That's why co-parenting is so universally encouraged after divorce as a significant way to reduce the long-term emotional impact on children. Co-parenting styles and arrangements can differ widely from family to family to suit their individual needs. However, most all professionals agree that co-parenting will only succeed if some basic agreements are made and kept and significant mistakes are avoided. Here are some good rules to follow:
1. Don't deny your child personal time with both of their parents.
If you want your child to weather the challenges that come with divorce and disruption of the family dynamic, allow him/her as much time as possible with both you and your ex. Your child will thank you, have fewer behavioral problems, and grow up happier and emotionally healthier when you honor their love for both of their parents.
2. Don't argue or have tantrums around your child.
Be a positive role model for your child by exhibiting mature behavior. If you have issues, gripes or reason for angry words with your co-parent, plan a private time alone, far from your child's eyes and ears, for those conversations. The consequences when you do otherwise will be significant and long-lasting.
3. Don't make your child your confident - or friend!
It's hard enough for adults to unravel the complex emotions connected to divorce. Think of how unfair it is to expect your child to bear those burdens on your behalf. You rob your kids of their childhood when you confide or share your feelings about your ex with them - especially when you're trying to influence them in your direction. Need to rant and vent about your ex? Do it with a friend - or better yet, a professional with an objective ear.
4. Don't make your child the messenger.
When you have issues to discuss, discuss them directly, not through your children. Not only can the kids mess up the messages, they can also intentionally change the messages due to guilt, anxiety, fear, resentment and other emotions related to protecting one or both parents. This is a big no-no that can lead to no good.
5. Don't think like a sole parent; you're part of a parenting team.
When you were married you were one of two parents. You still are. When parenting issues come up, ask yourself what would I do as a parent if I weren't divorced? If that still makes sense, respond accordingly. You're a parent first and a divorcee second. Parents who continue parenting as a team create an easier transition and better post-divorce adjustments for their child.
6. Don't be rigid - flexibility is fruitful.
Every time you bend, go with the flow, compromise and cooperate with your co-parent you model the kind of behaviors that benefit both of you in the long-term. Flexibility reduces defensiveness and builds bridges toward better parenting solutions. Remember, every time you forgive and indulge irritating behavior without creating an issue, you are doing it to make life easier for your child. Isn't he or she worth it?
7. Don't exclude the other parent whenever you have a choice.
Even when you are the primary residential parent that doesn't mean your ex can't be included in special occasion celebrations, school activities, sports and other events in your child's life. Think about how pleased your child will be having both Mom and Dad on hand to enjoy significant moments in their life. When it makes sense for both parents to be together on behalf of your child, be cordial and mature. This lifts an enormous weight off your child's shoulders. They'll thank you when they are grown.
Sometimes it helps to think about co-parenting as a business relationship that has to work. You make accommodations on behalf of your partner for the higher cause of business success. This can be a valuable perspective for co-parents after divorce. When you put all your efforts into making it work, your children reap the rewards. Isn't that a bottom line result worth your commitment and attention?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! She is also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles, free ezine and other parenting resources, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry tells us that children of divorce do best when both of their parents continue to be actively involved in their lives. It's the ongoing connection that makes the positive difference for these children, minimizing the fact that their parents no longer live together.
That's why co-parenting is so universally encouraged after divorce as a significant way to reduce the long-term emotional impact on children. Co-parenting styles and arrangements can differ widely from family to family to suit their individual needs. However, most all professionals agree that co-parenting will only succeed if some basic agreements are made and kept and significant mistakes are avoided. Here are some good rules to follow:
1. Don't deny your child personal time with both of their parents.
If you want your child to weather the challenges that come with divorce and disruption of the family dynamic, allow him/her as much time as possible with both you and your ex. Your child will thank you, have fewer behavioral problems, and grow up happier and emotionally healthier when you honor their love for both of their parents.
2. Don't argue or have tantrums around your child.
Be a positive role model for your child by exhibiting mature behavior. If you have issues, gripes or reason for angry words with your co-parent, plan a private time alone, far from your child's eyes and ears, for those conversations. The consequences when you do otherwise will be significant and long-lasting.
3. Don't make your child your confident - or friend!
It's hard enough for adults to unravel the complex emotions connected to divorce. Think of how unfair it is to expect your child to bear those burdens on your behalf. You rob your kids of their childhood when you confide or share your feelings about your ex with them - especially when you're trying to influence them in your direction. Need to rant and vent about your ex? Do it with a friend - or better yet, a professional with an objective ear.
4. Don't make your child the messenger.
When you have issues to discuss, discuss them directly, not through your children. Not only can the kids mess up the messages, they can also intentionally change the messages due to guilt, anxiety, fear, resentment and other emotions related to protecting one or both parents. This is a big no-no that can lead to no good.
5. Don't think like a sole parent; you're part of a parenting team.
When you were married you were one of two parents. You still are. When parenting issues come up, ask yourself what would I do as a parent if I weren't divorced? If that still makes sense, respond accordingly. You're a parent first and a divorcee second. Parents who continue parenting as a team create an easier transition and better post-divorce adjustments for their child.
6. Don't be rigid - flexibility is fruitful.
Every time you bend, go with the flow, compromise and cooperate with your co-parent you model the kind of behaviors that benefit both of you in the long-term. Flexibility reduces defensiveness and builds bridges toward better parenting solutions. Remember, every time you forgive and indulge irritating behavior without creating an issue, you are doing it to make life easier for your child. Isn't he or she worth it?
7. Don't exclude the other parent whenever you have a choice.
Even when you are the primary residential parent that doesn't mean your ex can't be included in special occasion celebrations, school activities, sports and other events in your child's life. Think about how pleased your child will be having both Mom and Dad on hand to enjoy significant moments in their life. When it makes sense for both parents to be together on behalf of your child, be cordial and mature. This lifts an enormous weight off your child's shoulders. They'll thank you when they are grown.
Sometimes it helps to think about co-parenting as a business relationship that has to work. You make accommodations on behalf of your partner for the higher cause of business success. This can be a valuable perspective for co-parents after divorce. When you put all your efforts into making it work, your children reap the rewards. Isn't that a bottom line result worth your commitment and attention?
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! She is also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles, free ezine and other parenting resources, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
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