Life After Divorce: Your New Reality
What do you think of people who are detached from reality? People that are seemingly living in a world of their own making? It’s unnerving to say the least as well as truly sad. Yet for those of us attempting to recover from a divorce, our inability to fully accept our new reality is not too far removed from living in a fantasy world.
Non-acceptance of what our life is right here and now is the biggest obstacle to letting go and moving on after divorce. Initially I believe this is due to denial, which is part of the grieving phase that follows any major loss in life. Unfortunately, all too many of us stay in this state way beyond the end of this grieving phase. We continue to deny our present reality. We refuse to accept what our lives are now. We yearn for what was or what we think should or could be, all of which are fantasy. The only thing that exists for us is the here and now, the present.
I want to liken this to the process of aging. In the past couple of years, I have moved into my late 50’s. As a former member of the counter-culture, I have always seen and experienced myself as much younger than my chronological age. After all, in another life I was a rock and roll DJ! Note please how I refer to that stage as another life. Luckily I don’t look my age, that is from the neck up! The signs of my true age are now evident on this body.
I remember about twenty years ago being at my mother-in-laws and seeing a friend of hers who I now recognize as having been my present age. She was dressed in a revealing dress and as I noticed her sagging skin, I thought to myself how unattractive it looked. Guess what? I have that same skin now. I can wish that I had the skin of a thirty year old but that will never be. If I adopt that attitude of non-acceptance, looking in a mirror will fill me with regret and resentment. The other choice, and really the only viable choice, is to fully embrace this new phase of my life and revel in my new reality: a much wiser and experienced woman who is a beautiful fifty- something. If I choose the former, I lose out on all that life has to offer me now and remain stuck in a past that no longer exists! If I choose acceptance, I can take advantage of what my life has to offer me now and not lose out on any new opportunities or possibilities.
You are getting divorced or you are divorced. That is what is, that is your only reality. Whatever went before is gone and can never be retrieved. You really need to get this because until you are willing to be fully conscious of what your life is now and accept it for what it is, you are going to stay stuck in pain and regret. You are going to give up the pleasure of living life to it’s fullest. You are going to give up on all of life’s sweet moments. You are going to give up happiness, success and fulfillment. You are going to give up on life. Are you willing to pay that price?
What is it that holds us back from acceptance? My gut feeling, as well as my experience coaching other women to acceptance, is the culprit is fear. Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger. Our fears lie in the unknown. What has already happened does not provoke fear. It is the not knowing that frightens us. Uncertainty. What if I cannot take care of my children and myself? What if I am alone for the rest of my life? What if I am never happy again? What if I end up a bag lady? What if the sky falls?
What can we do about uncertainty? Sorry but there is not much we can do with not knowing what comes next. No one on this earth can predict the future. This is another aspect of reality that calls for our acceptance. Real courage and wisdom is the ability to be okay with not knowing. After all, what is the choice when you cannot possibly know what the future holds? The very nature of life is uncertainty.
How can be best live in an uncertain world? Well, we know that being in fear of not knowing is not the answer so how about the opposite? What is we were able to hold the belief that everything will work for us? What if we were to believe that everything happens for a reason? What if we were to believe that there are new and exciting opportunities and possibilities opening up for us now in this new phase of life? What if life will work out and we will be happy and fulfilled? What if this divorce is just what we needed to get back into life? What if?
Look, you get to choose: fear or a belief in a better future. One viewpoint will keep you stuck and one will serve you well. A simple shift in perspective or attitude can work miracles. Our attitudes not only change the way we think, they change our reality. Don’t believe me? Try it on yourself. It is the old power of positive thinking. I am not suggesting taking on a Pollyanna-ish persona but I am suggesting that you take a good hard look at your prevailing attitude on life. If it ain’t working, change it!
It is not only our fear of uncertainty that keeps us from acceptance but also our unrealistic expectations of life that get in our way. You may or may not be conscious of your expectations but they are there and they bite you in the behind all the time. If you feel that life isn’t fair, you have unrealistic expectations of life. If you feel that your ex should be a certain way, you have unrealistic expectations of life? If you think that life should not include difficult times, that’s right…big time, unrealistic and totally unenforceable expectations that set you up for disappointment, resentment and unhappiness. Get real and recognize life for what it really is. It is not all hearts and flowers. It is not always fair. It is what it is! Quit setting yourself up.
Examine and manage your unrealistic and unenforceable expectations. Know what you can and cannot control vis- a -vis these expectations as that is what makes them unenforceable. Learn to make uncertainty without fear a part of living. Learn to believe in your future instead of fearing it. Learn to accept life as it is instead of as you think it should be. Live in reality instead of fantasy. Honor yourself and commit to your life. Us this divorce as a catalyst for a better life. Go for it!
Shelley Stile is a Divorce Recovery Life Coach who guides her clients to let go the pain of their divorce and create new and vibrant lives after divorce. Shelley works with clients on the telephone so you can be anywhere and be coached. She also holds Tele-
Seminars and publishes powerful e-books on life after divorce. She is a member of the International Coaches Federation, the governing body for Life Coaching. Shelley trained with the Coaches Training Institute and the Ford Institute for Integrative Coaching’s Spiritual Divorce Recovery. Receive her free, powerful e-book, The 10 Secrets to Coping with Divorce’, and receive her monthly ‘Take Back Your Life After Divorce’ Newsletter by going to: http://www.freedivorcesupport.com or contact Shelley at
shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com to schedule a free consultation and sample session of divorce coaching..
Monday, April 27, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Crying and Colic
From Dr. Laura MarkHam: http://ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/newborns/crying-colic
Crying and Colic
All babies cry. Most babies cry a lot. Some babies are more easily comforted, others can routinely work themselves into a frenzy. Of course it sends your heart racing. That's Mother Nature's way of insuring that the human race survives.
"She cries a lot. How do I know if this is colic?"
Colic is simply crying that goes on and on and does not seem to have a cause. Colic is traditionally defined as 3 hours or more of daily crying, at least three times a week. 20% of babies are diagnosed with colic.
But it probably doesn't matter if it's actually colic, unless when your baby's crying gets almost unbearable, it helps you to remember that there's nothing wrong with you or him; it's just colic. Whether it's actually colic, or just lots of crying, it is always stressful, and it helps to know that it's normal, it won't last more than 3 months, and you will eventually have a perfectly cheerful baby.
"What causes all this crying?"
I'm assuming you've eliminated the obvious causes -- i.e., the baby has been fed and burped and changed, and you've picked her up and moved around jiggling her, but the crying has continued. If you haven't tried all this, start there.
The truth is that we don't know what causes colic. There may be differing contributing causes for different babies, such as sensitivity to formula, food allergies, or gastrointestinal upset. In one study of colicky babies, when the moms stopped drinking cow's milk, half the babies' colic vanished. The other half, unfortunately, kept crying.
A study reported in the January 2007 issue of Pediatrics however, had 95% success rate by giving babies probiotics AND eliminating cow's milk. They gave colicy babies who were breastfeeding 5 drops daily of beneficial gut bacteria (the probiotic L. reuteri). All the moms were asked to eliminate cows milk from their diet. 95% of the probiotic babies improved, as opposed to only 7 percent of the control babies, with crying improving somewhat in the first week and dramatically within a month. If this study is repeated with the same results by other researchers, probiotics will soon be prescribed as the cure for colic. In the meantime, any parent with a colicky baby will probably want to conduct their own private experiment to see if it works on their baby.
The other recent theory that’s popular with doctors is that colic results from an immature brain and nervous system and is the baby’s way of releasing tension.
Newborns are used to being tightly held in a dark, muffled, soothing environment which often lulls them with Photo: Ben McLeodrhythmic motion as their mother walks. They must be dazzled and overwhelmed by the feast for the senses that greets them with every new day in the world. Their brains and nervous systems need time to mature so they can handle all the stimulation we take for granted.
"He didn't cry much for the first couple of weeks, but now he cries every evening for a few hours!"
This is very common. As babies become more aware of their surroundings, and stay awake for longer periods during the day, they cry more. It may be that the beneficial bacteria that was in her gut from your body is now gone, or that as babies get more and more stimulated all day, and by evening, have no other way to relieve their anxiety. In any case, the result is the behavior we call colic: crying for many hours, often late into the night.
"But I don't know how to comfort her and I feel so inept!"
After attending to your infant's physical health and safety, learning to comfort her is one of the most important tasks you face. That's not because crying is so terrible for infants, but because your feeling like a competent parent is a crucial building block in your relationship with her. The most effective way to reduce crying is to recreate a womb-like environment for your baby. Below, I tell you how to do that.
But while you can probably reduce your baby's crying, I urge you to let yourself off the hook here. There may be absolutely nothing you can do except hold her. Haven't you had times when what you needed was just to cry and to have someone there so you wouldn't feel so alone?
"But I worry that there might be something wrong with him!"
Every parent worries when their baby cries and they don't know why. But if you've looked for obvious causes (did you eat spicy food before you nursed him? Have you eliminated milk from your diet if you're nursing? Changed his formula?) and his doctor sees him regularly and has pronounced him thriving, you can rest assured that crying -- even long periods of incessant crying -- is considered normal for infants in our society, and there is nothing wrong with your baby.
"Why do you say it's normal in our society? Don't babies cry everywhere?"
Actually, no. In cultures where the infant is held or worn fairly constantly, colic is virtually unknown and babies rarely cry for long. We don't know if that's the baby wearing or the diet in those cultures, or something else entirely.
"Is there a reason to think that baby-wearing helps?"
Research shows that babies who are held or carried more (both during the colic spells and at other times) are definitely less susceptible to colic. It is possible that wearing babies is so soothing that they are less overwhelmed throughout the day and build up less tension. I used to think of myself as the lightning rod for my infants.
But another way to interpret this data is just that some babies need to be held virtually all the time. When they are put down, they cry. When they are picked up, they often stop.
"I do hold and carry my baby a lot. But in the evening, it seems that isn't enough, and he just cries and cries."
Sometimes holding is not enough, and babies don’t stop crying unless they are walked, jostled, danced, bounced, rocked or subjected to some other rhythmic motion, which seems to dissipate their tension. I ruined a mattress with each of our babies, because I found that holding them while jumping on the bed soothed them better than anything during that first three months, and wearing out the mattress seemed a small price to pay for a happy baby.
Whatever movement your baby responds to, it takes a lot of energy. But it is infinitely better than listening to a baby cry. And the gift to your baby is enormous, as he gets the message that you can be depended on when he’s miserable.
"I’ve tried everything: wearing her much of the day in a snuggly, holding, soothing, swaddling, rhythmic motion, adding probiotics to her diet, giving up milk in mine. She's still crying! What do I do?"
You witness. Sometimes people, especially babies, just need to cry. You override any needling suspicion in your mind that there is anything wrong with your parenting by reminding yourself that “Sometimes people just need to cry” and you hold your child, and she cries, and you do whatever you need to do to stay sane.
If you can pay attention to her, sing to her, empathize, that’s great. If not, then put on headphones and listen to music that blocks out her crying. Don’t be surprised if holding her, in your new calm state, helps her to stop crying, especially if you start dancing or singing to the music on your headphones.
"I just can't calm down when he cries like this. Even when I put the headphones on, the crying seems to reverberate in my head. It's driving me crazy!"
If you can’t calm yourself, put the baby down. It helps babies to be held while they cry (true for most of us) but not if the adult is experiencing extreme anger or anxiety.
If you think you might lose control and shake the baby, it simply isn’t worth taking that chance. Put the baby in a safe place (crib, car seat, strapped in a baby seat or swing) and shut the door to that room. Put on headphones so that you can’t hear the crying through the door. Now do whatever you need to do to calm yourself down. Step outside for a moment or open the window, and breath in some fresh air. Feel your tension draining out through your feet. Call another adult to come over. Remind yourself not to take the crying personally, and that this too shall pass.
It also might help you to remember the old proverb about children each offering a finite amount of grief to their parents, just so you know that you’re getting it over with up front and the teenage years will be easy!
"I buy the idea that babies need another month or two in a womb-like environment to mature. But what do I do to create a womb-like environment for my baby?"
These are techniques to use when your baby cries, but they are also preventive tools to keep your infant from getting over-stimulated all day long:
1. Hold or wear your baby as much as you can. As Dr. Sears says: “In counseling parents of fussy babies, we strive for two goals: to mellow the temperament of the baby and to increase the sensitivity of the parents. Babywearing helps foster both of these goals. By creating an organized, womblike, environment, wearing lessens a baby’s need to cry." An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
2. Swaddle your baby. Most babies like to be wrapped securely. It reminds them of their snug womb. And of course they love slings.
3. Rhythmic motion: Again, reminiscent of the womb. Rocking works for some babies, but most of the time when they're upset, more intense motion is called for. Some parents swear by baby swings or baby hammocks, others by putting the baby in a car seat and driving. But these techniques have their limits, usually the infant needs to be held at the same time that they're moving. Some parents dance, some go up and down steps, some jump on mattresses, many develop the bobbing, swaying motion I call the Mom's dance. Experiment to see what works for your baby.
4. White Noise: Soothing sounds can muffle or block out the jarring traffic horns or even voices that can jangle and over-stimulate baby nerves. I found new age chanting to be effective, some people swear by their vacuum cleaner or white noise machine, others just whisper repetitive shushing noises.
5. Nurse your baby. For some babies, nursing is a guaranteed instant soother. Why work any harder than that if you don't have to? And, for the record, babies fed on a schedule are more likely to have colic. Feed your baby whenever he or she asks, and colic is less likely.
6. Explore other "cures." Some babies have food allergies, and if you change the formula, or if the breastfeeding mother changes her diet, the crying stops. Often a diet free of cows milk, wheat, or other common allergens is a miracle cure. Every parent of a colicky baby should try probiotics, as mentioned above. Some moms swear by infant massage. If you try all these suggestions and your baby keeps crying, by all means talk to your doctor, and keep asking the parents you know what worked for them. And hang in there. Sooner or later, your little screamer will be a perfectly charming baby.
More Resources:
A great book for ideas on calming your baby is Harvey's Karp's The Happiest Baby on the Block. Karp goes into detail on what he calls the five S's: Swaddling, Side or Stomach position, Shhh (sound), Swinging (or motion), and Sucking. Another good resource is Linda Baby Matters, which presents all the latest research on probiotics and other effective treatments.
Crying and Colic
All babies cry. Most babies cry a lot. Some babies are more easily comforted, others can routinely work themselves into a frenzy. Of course it sends your heart racing. That's Mother Nature's way of insuring that the human race survives.
"She cries a lot. How do I know if this is colic?"
Colic is simply crying that goes on and on and does not seem to have a cause. Colic is traditionally defined as 3 hours or more of daily crying, at least three times a week. 20% of babies are diagnosed with colic.
But it probably doesn't matter if it's actually colic, unless when your baby's crying gets almost unbearable, it helps you to remember that there's nothing wrong with you or him; it's just colic. Whether it's actually colic, or just lots of crying, it is always stressful, and it helps to know that it's normal, it won't last more than 3 months, and you will eventually have a perfectly cheerful baby.
"What causes all this crying?"
I'm assuming you've eliminated the obvious causes -- i.e., the baby has been fed and burped and changed, and you've picked her up and moved around jiggling her, but the crying has continued. If you haven't tried all this, start there.
The truth is that we don't know what causes colic. There may be differing contributing causes for different babies, such as sensitivity to formula, food allergies, or gastrointestinal upset. In one study of colicky babies, when the moms stopped drinking cow's milk, half the babies' colic vanished. The other half, unfortunately, kept crying.
A study reported in the January 2007 issue of Pediatrics however, had 95% success rate by giving babies probiotics AND eliminating cow's milk. They gave colicy babies who were breastfeeding 5 drops daily of beneficial gut bacteria (the probiotic L. reuteri). All the moms were asked to eliminate cows milk from their diet. 95% of the probiotic babies improved, as opposed to only 7 percent of the control babies, with crying improving somewhat in the first week and dramatically within a month. If this study is repeated with the same results by other researchers, probiotics will soon be prescribed as the cure for colic. In the meantime, any parent with a colicky baby will probably want to conduct their own private experiment to see if it works on their baby.
The other recent theory that’s popular with doctors is that colic results from an immature brain and nervous system and is the baby’s way of releasing tension.
Newborns are used to being tightly held in a dark, muffled, soothing environment which often lulls them with Photo: Ben McLeodrhythmic motion as their mother walks. They must be dazzled and overwhelmed by the feast for the senses that greets them with every new day in the world. Their brains and nervous systems need time to mature so they can handle all the stimulation we take for granted.
"He didn't cry much for the first couple of weeks, but now he cries every evening for a few hours!"
This is very common. As babies become more aware of their surroundings, and stay awake for longer periods during the day, they cry more. It may be that the beneficial bacteria that was in her gut from your body is now gone, or that as babies get more and more stimulated all day, and by evening, have no other way to relieve their anxiety. In any case, the result is the behavior we call colic: crying for many hours, often late into the night.
"But I don't know how to comfort her and I feel so inept!"
After attending to your infant's physical health and safety, learning to comfort her is one of the most important tasks you face. That's not because crying is so terrible for infants, but because your feeling like a competent parent is a crucial building block in your relationship with her. The most effective way to reduce crying is to recreate a womb-like environment for your baby. Below, I tell you how to do that.
But while you can probably reduce your baby's crying, I urge you to let yourself off the hook here. There may be absolutely nothing you can do except hold her. Haven't you had times when what you needed was just to cry and to have someone there so you wouldn't feel so alone?
"But I worry that there might be something wrong with him!"
Every parent worries when their baby cries and they don't know why. But if you've looked for obvious causes (did you eat spicy food before you nursed him? Have you eliminated milk from your diet if you're nursing? Changed his formula?) and his doctor sees him regularly and has pronounced him thriving, you can rest assured that crying -- even long periods of incessant crying -- is considered normal for infants in our society, and there is nothing wrong with your baby.
"Why do you say it's normal in our society? Don't babies cry everywhere?"
Actually, no. In cultures where the infant is held or worn fairly constantly, colic is virtually unknown and babies rarely cry for long. We don't know if that's the baby wearing or the diet in those cultures, or something else entirely.
"Is there a reason to think that baby-wearing helps?"
Research shows that babies who are held or carried more (both during the colic spells and at other times) are definitely less susceptible to colic. It is possible that wearing babies is so soothing that they are less overwhelmed throughout the day and build up less tension. I used to think of myself as the lightning rod for my infants.
But another way to interpret this data is just that some babies need to be held virtually all the time. When they are put down, they cry. When they are picked up, they often stop.
"I do hold and carry my baby a lot. But in the evening, it seems that isn't enough, and he just cries and cries."
Sometimes holding is not enough, and babies don’t stop crying unless they are walked, jostled, danced, bounced, rocked or subjected to some other rhythmic motion, which seems to dissipate their tension. I ruined a mattress with each of our babies, because I found that holding them while jumping on the bed soothed them better than anything during that first three months, and wearing out the mattress seemed a small price to pay for a happy baby.
Whatever movement your baby responds to, it takes a lot of energy. But it is infinitely better than listening to a baby cry. And the gift to your baby is enormous, as he gets the message that you can be depended on when he’s miserable.
"I’ve tried everything: wearing her much of the day in a snuggly, holding, soothing, swaddling, rhythmic motion, adding probiotics to her diet, giving up milk in mine. She's still crying! What do I do?"
You witness. Sometimes people, especially babies, just need to cry. You override any needling suspicion in your mind that there is anything wrong with your parenting by reminding yourself that “Sometimes people just need to cry” and you hold your child, and she cries, and you do whatever you need to do to stay sane.
If you can pay attention to her, sing to her, empathize, that’s great. If not, then put on headphones and listen to music that blocks out her crying. Don’t be surprised if holding her, in your new calm state, helps her to stop crying, especially if you start dancing or singing to the music on your headphones.
"I just can't calm down when he cries like this. Even when I put the headphones on, the crying seems to reverberate in my head. It's driving me crazy!"
If you can’t calm yourself, put the baby down. It helps babies to be held while they cry (true for most of us) but not if the adult is experiencing extreme anger or anxiety.
If you think you might lose control and shake the baby, it simply isn’t worth taking that chance. Put the baby in a safe place (crib, car seat, strapped in a baby seat or swing) and shut the door to that room. Put on headphones so that you can’t hear the crying through the door. Now do whatever you need to do to calm yourself down. Step outside for a moment or open the window, and breath in some fresh air. Feel your tension draining out through your feet. Call another adult to come over. Remind yourself not to take the crying personally, and that this too shall pass.
It also might help you to remember the old proverb about children each offering a finite amount of grief to their parents, just so you know that you’re getting it over with up front and the teenage years will be easy!
"I buy the idea that babies need another month or two in a womb-like environment to mature. But what do I do to create a womb-like environment for my baby?"
These are techniques to use when your baby cries, but they are also preventive tools to keep your infant from getting over-stimulated all day long:
1. Hold or wear your baby as much as you can. As Dr. Sears says: “In counseling parents of fussy babies, we strive for two goals: to mellow the temperament of the baby and to increase the sensitivity of the parents. Babywearing helps foster both of these goals. By creating an organized, womblike, environment, wearing lessens a baby’s need to cry." An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
2. Swaddle your baby. Most babies like to be wrapped securely. It reminds them of their snug womb. And of course they love slings.
3. Rhythmic motion: Again, reminiscent of the womb. Rocking works for some babies, but most of the time when they're upset, more intense motion is called for. Some parents swear by baby swings or baby hammocks, others by putting the baby in a car seat and driving. But these techniques have their limits, usually the infant needs to be held at the same time that they're moving. Some parents dance, some go up and down steps, some jump on mattresses, many develop the bobbing, swaying motion I call the Mom's dance. Experiment to see what works for your baby.
4. White Noise: Soothing sounds can muffle or block out the jarring traffic horns or even voices that can jangle and over-stimulate baby nerves. I found new age chanting to be effective, some people swear by their vacuum cleaner or white noise machine, others just whisper repetitive shushing noises.
5. Nurse your baby. For some babies, nursing is a guaranteed instant soother. Why work any harder than that if you don't have to? And, for the record, babies fed on a schedule are more likely to have colic. Feed your baby whenever he or she asks, and colic is less likely.
6. Explore other "cures." Some babies have food allergies, and if you change the formula, or if the breastfeeding mother changes her diet, the crying stops. Often a diet free of cows milk, wheat, or other common allergens is a miracle cure. Every parent of a colicky baby should try probiotics, as mentioned above. Some moms swear by infant massage. If you try all these suggestions and your baby keeps crying, by all means talk to your doctor, and keep asking the parents you know what worked for them. And hang in there. Sooner or later, your little screamer will be a perfectly charming baby.
More Resources:
A great book for ideas on calming your baby is Harvey's Karp's The Happiest Baby on the Block. Karp goes into detail on what he calls the five S's: Swaddling, Side or Stomach position, Shhh (sound), Swinging (or motion), and Sucking. Another good resource is Linda Baby Matters, which presents all the latest research on probiotics and other effective treatments.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Children's Emotional Needs During Divorce and Beyond
Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT
When parents are caught up in the drama of divorce it is easy for them to forget the innate emotional and security needs of their innocent children. The following are a list of questions and comments that remind parents about the most fundamental needs of every child in order to experience psychological well-being.
They are provided by Dr. Paul Wanio, one of the contributors to my new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? These concepts are particularly significant for your consideration when your family is experiencing the challenges and upheavals connected to divorce or separation. With this in mind, Dr. Wanio suggests you not only consider these questions, but actually take the time to answer them for yourself.
1) How can I help my child to develop a sense of security and trust in him/herself, in people, in the world, and in getting his/her needs met?
A child needs to feel loved and a sense of belonging. They need to feel important … to know that someone is there to help … that their needs will be recognized … that there are a set of standards to live by -- as well as values like kindness, courage, honesty, generosity and justice.
2) How can I caringly protect my child from excessive conflicts and frustrations at home?
Children cannot handle as much as adults. A child must have a feeling of safety and protection at home … know that someone is in charge who will not allow overwhelming emotions or situations to occur … will set limits with fairness … will listen compassionately … and explain confusing situations to alleviate any fears.
3) How can I help my child not to feel guilty or ashamed about mistakes, accidents or failures?
Children need to learn from their mistakes, not feel put down or be punished for them. They need to believe in themselves … to know that it is okay to make a mistake … and that you still love them and believe in their potential. Especially now, they need to know that your divorce is not their fault.
4) How can I assist my child to feel a sense of self-esteem and encouragement?
Children need to feel that their self-worth does not merely depend upon accomplishments, but upon who they are as individuals and because they are your children. They need to feel accepted by you even if you or others do not always approve of their behavior. At this time, knowing that they are loved by both parents is especially important. Putting down the other parent is like putting down a part of your child since he/she is a part of that parent. Avoid disparaging remarks about the other parent even if you are angry.
5) How can I encourage independence and a feeling of competency in my child?
In general, children need a sense of their very own achievement, even if it means possibly being wrong or different. They need to handle some things on their own or with minimal assistance, to be given choices [even if limited] and to feel some sense of being trusted and capable. During the time of divorce, your child may become more vulnerable and regress to an earlier stage of development. Do not demean your child for this, but understand that he/she may need to feel more "like a little kid" than "Mommy's/Daddy's big boy/girl." If handled with compassion, this should be a temporary situation. If long-lasting, it may represent undue emotional stress.
6) How can I discipline my child without having him/her develop a negative self-image?
Simply put: Limit your child's behavior, but not your child's thoughts and feelings. Thoughts and feelings are not "bad," though behavior may be inappropriate. Seek to influence thoughts, to understand and accept feelings and to improve behavior. True discipline is not thought of as punishment, but a lesson to teach your child about Life.
7) How can I help my child to feel good about him/herself, being male or female, secure when away from me and curious about life?
Children need to develop a sense of identity, to begin to answer the question, "Who am I?," and to find satisfaction in being oneself. The more loved, understood and trusted they feel, the more secure they will be in their self-discovery. Your example and relationship with your child will have a very powerful influence in this regard.
* * *
C. Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Lake Worth and Boca Raton, FL. He can be reached at DrPaulWanio@aol.com. He is also a contributor to the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT. To learn more, go to http://howdoitellthekids.com. For additional articles on child-centered divorce, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
ChildSharing.com Online Parenting Classes 39.99 www.ChildSharing.com
When parents are caught up in the drama of divorce it is easy for them to forget the innate emotional and security needs of their innocent children. The following are a list of questions and comments that remind parents about the most fundamental needs of every child in order to experience psychological well-being.
They are provided by Dr. Paul Wanio, one of the contributors to my new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? These concepts are particularly significant for your consideration when your family is experiencing the challenges and upheavals connected to divorce or separation. With this in mind, Dr. Wanio suggests you not only consider these questions, but actually take the time to answer them for yourself.
1) How can I help my child to develop a sense of security and trust in him/herself, in people, in the world, and in getting his/her needs met?
A child needs to feel loved and a sense of belonging. They need to feel important … to know that someone is there to help … that their needs will be recognized … that there are a set of standards to live by -- as well as values like kindness, courage, honesty, generosity and justice.
2) How can I caringly protect my child from excessive conflicts and frustrations at home?
Children cannot handle as much as adults. A child must have a feeling of safety and protection at home … know that someone is in charge who will not allow overwhelming emotions or situations to occur … will set limits with fairness … will listen compassionately … and explain confusing situations to alleviate any fears.
3) How can I help my child not to feel guilty or ashamed about mistakes, accidents or failures?
Children need to learn from their mistakes, not feel put down or be punished for them. They need to believe in themselves … to know that it is okay to make a mistake … and that you still love them and believe in their potential. Especially now, they need to know that your divorce is not their fault.
4) How can I assist my child to feel a sense of self-esteem and encouragement?
Children need to feel that their self-worth does not merely depend upon accomplishments, but upon who they are as individuals and because they are your children. They need to feel accepted by you even if you or others do not always approve of their behavior. At this time, knowing that they are loved by both parents is especially important. Putting down the other parent is like putting down a part of your child since he/she is a part of that parent. Avoid disparaging remarks about the other parent even if you are angry.
5) How can I encourage independence and a feeling of competency in my child?
In general, children need a sense of their very own achievement, even if it means possibly being wrong or different. They need to handle some things on their own or with minimal assistance, to be given choices [even if limited] and to feel some sense of being trusted and capable. During the time of divorce, your child may become more vulnerable and regress to an earlier stage of development. Do not demean your child for this, but understand that he/she may need to feel more "like a little kid" than "Mommy's/Daddy's big boy/girl." If handled with compassion, this should be a temporary situation. If long-lasting, it may represent undue emotional stress.
6) How can I discipline my child without having him/her develop a negative self-image?
Simply put: Limit your child's behavior, but not your child's thoughts and feelings. Thoughts and feelings are not "bad," though behavior may be inappropriate. Seek to influence thoughts, to understand and accept feelings and to improve behavior. True discipline is not thought of as punishment, but a lesson to teach your child about Life.
7) How can I help my child to feel good about him/herself, being male or female, secure when away from me and curious about life?
Children need to develop a sense of identity, to begin to answer the question, "Who am I?," and to find satisfaction in being oneself. The more loved, understood and trusted they feel, the more secure they will be in their self-discovery. Your example and relationship with your child will have a very powerful influence in this regard.
* * *
C. Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Lake Worth and Boca Raton, FL. He can be reached at DrPaulWanio@aol.com. He is also a contributor to the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT. To learn more, go to http://howdoitellthekids.com. For additional articles on child-centered divorce, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
ChildSharing.com Online Parenting Classes 39.99 www.ChildSharing.com
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Handling Your Own Anger
By: Dr. Laura Markham
All parents get angry at their children.
It doesn’t help that there are always the endless pressures of life: appointments we’re late to, things we’ve forgotten until too late, health and financial worries -- the list is endless. In the middle of that hectic momentum, enter our child, who has lost her Photo: MMarsolaissneaker, suddenly remembered she needs a new notebook for school today, is teasing her little brother, or is downright belligerent. And we snap.
In our calm moments, if we’re honest, we can admit that we could handle any parenting moment much better from a state of calmness. But in the storm of our anger, we feel righteously entitled to our fury. How can this kid be so irresponsible, inconsiderate, ungrateful?
But another factor is also at work. We all enter the parenting relationship wounded in some way from our own childhoods, and our kids surface all those wounds.
Parents and kids have the ability to trigger each other as no one else can. Even as adults we are often irrational in relation to our own parents. (Who has greater power to annoy you? Make you act childish?)
Similarly, our kids push our buttons precisely because they are our children. Psychologists call this phenomenon “ghosts in the nursery,” by which they mean that our children stimulate the intense feelings of our own childhoods, and we often respond by unconsciously re-enacting the past that’s etched like forgotten hieroglyphics deep in our psyches. The fears and rage of childhood are powerful and can overwhelm us even as adults. It can be enormously challenging to lay these ghosts to rest.
It helps to know all this, if we are struggling to cope with anger. Just as important, because it gives us incentive to control ourselves, we need to know that parental anger can be harmful to young children.
Imagine your husband or wife losing their temper and screaming at you. Now imagine them three times as big as you, towering over you. Imagine that you depend on them completely for your food, shelter, and safety. Imagine they are your primary source of love and self-confidence and information about the world, that you have nowhere else to turn. Now take whatever feelings you have summoned up and magnify them by a factor of 1000. That is something like what happens inside your child when you get angry at him.
Of course, all of us get angry at our children, even, sometimes, enraged. The challenge is to call on our maturity so that we control the expression of that anger, and therefore minimize its negative impact.
Anger is scary enough. Name calling or other verbal abuse, in which the parent speaks disrespectfully to the child, takes a higher personal toll, since the child is dependent on the parent for his very sense of self. And children who suffer physical violence, including spanking, have been proven to exhibit lasting negative effects that reach into every corner of their lives.
If your young child does not seem afraid of your anger, it’s an indication that he or she has seen too much of it and has developed defenses against it -- and against you. The unfortunate result is a child who is less likely to want to behave to please you, and is more open to the influences of the peer group and the larger culture. That means you have some repair work to do. Whether or not they show it -- and the more often we get angry, the more defended they will be, and therefore less likely to show it -- our anger is nothing short of terrifying to young children.
How can you handle your own anger?
1. Listen to your anger, rather than acting on it. Anger, like other feelings, is as much a given as our arms and legs. What we’re responsible for is what we choose to do with it. Anger often has a valuable lesson for us, but acting while we are angry, except in rare situations requiring self-defense, is rarely constructive, because we make choices we would never make from a rational state.
The constructive way to handle anger is to limit our expression of it, and when we calm down, to use it diagnostically: what is so wrong in our life that we feel furious, and what do we need to do to change the situation?
Sometimes the answer is clearly related to our parenting: we need to enforce rules before things get out of hand, or start putting the children to bed half an hour earlier, or do some repair work on our relationship with our twelve year old so that she stops treating us rudely. Sometimes we are surprised to find that our anger is actually at our spouse who is not acting as a full partner in parenting, or even at our boss. And sometimes the answer is that we are carrying around anger we don’t understand that spills out onto our kids, and we need to seek help though therapy or a parents support group.
2. Find acceptable ways to express anger. All parents get enraged at their children. Your children will certainly see you angry from time to time, and how you handle those situations will teach them a lot. Will you teach them that might makes right? That parents have tantrums too? Or that anger is part of being human, and that learning to manage anger responsibly is part of becoming mature? Make a list of acceptable ways to handle anger: for instance, you can raise your voice, even scream if necessary, but not hit, call your child names, or mete out any punishment while angry. Your children get angry too, so it’s a double gift to them to find constructive ways to deal with your anger: you not only don’t hurt them, you offer them a role model.
3. If you frequently struggle with your anger, seek counseling. There’s no shame in asking for help. The shame is in reneging on your responsibility as a parent by damaging your child physically or psychologically.
4. Take Five. Recognize that an angry state is not the best place from which to intervene in any situation. Instead, give yourself a timeout and come back when you are able to be calm. Just say, as calmly as you can, “I am too mad right now to talk about this. I am going to take a timeout in my room and calm down. I will be back in ten minutes.”
Exiting does not let your child win. It impresses upon them just how serious the infraction is, and it models self-control. And then use that ten minutes to calm yourself, not to work yourself into a further frenzy about how right you are.
5. Set limits BEFORE you get angry. Often when we get angry at our children, it’s because we haven’t set a limit, and something is grating on us. The minute you start getting angry, it’s a signal to do something. No, not yell. Intervene in a positive way to prevent more of whatever behavior is irritating you.
If your irritation is coming from you -- let’s say you’ve just had a hard day, and their natural exuberance is wearing on you -- it can help to explain that to your kids and ask them to be considerate and keep the behavior that’s irritating you in check, at least for now.
If the kids are doing something that is increasingly annoying -- playing a game in which someone is likely to get hurt, stalling when you’ve asked them to do something, squabbling while you’re on the phone -- you may need to interrupt what you’re doing, restate your family rule or expectation, and redirect them, to keep the situation, and your anger, from escalating.
6. Remember that “expressing” your anger can reinforce and escalate it. Despite the popular idea that we need to “express” our anger so that it doesn’t eat away at us, there’s nothing constructive about expressing anger.
Research shows that expressing anger while we are angry is usually counter-productive, because it actually makes us more angry. This in turn makes the other person hurt, afraid, or angry, and causes a rift in the relationship.
Rehashing the situation in our mind always proves to us that we are right and the other person is wrong, which again makes us more angry as we stew. What works is to find a constructive way to address whatever is making us angry so that the situation is resolved, and our anger stops being triggered.
7. WAIT before disciplining. Nothing says you have to issue edicts on the fly. Simply say something like “I can’t believe you hit your brother after we’ve talked about hitting being against the rules. I need to think about this, and we will talk about it this afternoon. Until then, I expect you to be on your best behavior.”
Once you’ve taken a ten minute timeout and still don’t feel calm enough to relate constructively, you can re-enter the room and say “I want to think about what just happened, and we will talk about it later. In the meantime, I need to make dinner and you need to finish your homework, please.”
After dinner, sit down with your child and, if necessary, set firm limits. But you will be more able to listen to his side of it, and to respond with reasonable, enforceable, respectful limits to his behavior.
8. Avoid physical force. That spanking has a negative impact on children’s development has been proven in study after study. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends strongly against it.
Spanking may make you feel better temporarily, but it is bad for your child, and ultimately sabotages everything positive you do as a parent. Do whatever you need to do to control yourself, including leaving the room. If you can’t control yourself and end up resorting to physical force, apologize to your child, tell him hitting is never ok, and get yourself some help. (See the Spanking and Why Positive Discipline sections on this website).
9. Avoid threats. Threats made while you’re angry will be unreasonable. Since threats are only effective if you are willing to follow through on them, they undermine your authority and make it less likely that your kids will follow the rules next time. Instead, tell your child that you need to think about an appropriate response to this infraction of the rules. The suspense will be worse than hearing a string of threats they know you won’t enforce.
10. The way to get rid of anger is to acknowledge the underlying feelings. Don’t get attached to your anger. Once you’ve listened to it and made appropriate changes, let go of it. If that isn’t working, remember that anger is always a defense. It shields us from feeling vulnerable.
To get rid of anger, look at the hurt or fear under the anger. If your daughter’s so obsessed with her friends that she’s dismissive of the family and that hurts you, or your son’s tantrums scare you, work with those feelings and situations, and address them. Once you get to the underlying feelings, your anger will dissipate.
11. Monitor your tone and word choice. Research shows that the more calmly we speak, the more calm we feel, and the more calmly others respond to us. Similarly, use of swear words or other highly charged words makes us and our listener more upset, and the situation escalates. We have the power to calm or upset ourselves and the person we are speaking with by our own tone of voice and choice of words. (Remember, you're the role model.)
12. Choose your battles. Every negative interaction with your child uses up valuable relationship capital. Focus on what matters, such as the way your child treats other humans. In the larger scheme of things, her jacket on the floor may drive you crazy, but it probably isn’t worth putting your relationship bank account in the red over.
13. Keep looking for effective ways to discipline that encourage better behavior. Some parents are surprised to hear that there are families where the children are generally well-behaved, although physical force is never used and parental yelling is infrequent. There are hugely more effective ways to discipline than anger, and, in fact, disciplining with anger sets up a cycle that encourages misbehavior. (
Dr. Markham is the author of an upcoming Q&A e-book series, Ask Dr. Markham, which will have editions for all ages from birth to teens, and of the soon-to-be-released, The Secret Life of Happy Moms, which lays out her relationship-based approach to raising kids who turn out great. - http://ahaparenting.com/about
All parents get angry at their children.
It doesn’t help that there are always the endless pressures of life: appointments we’re late to, things we’ve forgotten until too late, health and financial worries -- the list is endless. In the middle of that hectic momentum, enter our child, who has lost her Photo: MMarsolaissneaker, suddenly remembered she needs a new notebook for school today, is teasing her little brother, or is downright belligerent. And we snap.
In our calm moments, if we’re honest, we can admit that we could handle any parenting moment much better from a state of calmness. But in the storm of our anger, we feel righteously entitled to our fury. How can this kid be so irresponsible, inconsiderate, ungrateful?
But another factor is also at work. We all enter the parenting relationship wounded in some way from our own childhoods, and our kids surface all those wounds.
Parents and kids have the ability to trigger each other as no one else can. Even as adults we are often irrational in relation to our own parents. (Who has greater power to annoy you? Make you act childish?)
Similarly, our kids push our buttons precisely because they are our children. Psychologists call this phenomenon “ghosts in the nursery,” by which they mean that our children stimulate the intense feelings of our own childhoods, and we often respond by unconsciously re-enacting the past that’s etched like forgotten hieroglyphics deep in our psyches. The fears and rage of childhood are powerful and can overwhelm us even as adults. It can be enormously challenging to lay these ghosts to rest.
It helps to know all this, if we are struggling to cope with anger. Just as important, because it gives us incentive to control ourselves, we need to know that parental anger can be harmful to young children.
Imagine your husband or wife losing their temper and screaming at you. Now imagine them three times as big as you, towering over you. Imagine that you depend on them completely for your food, shelter, and safety. Imagine they are your primary source of love and self-confidence and information about the world, that you have nowhere else to turn. Now take whatever feelings you have summoned up and magnify them by a factor of 1000. That is something like what happens inside your child when you get angry at him.
Of course, all of us get angry at our children, even, sometimes, enraged. The challenge is to call on our maturity so that we control the expression of that anger, and therefore minimize its negative impact.
Anger is scary enough. Name calling or other verbal abuse, in which the parent speaks disrespectfully to the child, takes a higher personal toll, since the child is dependent on the parent for his very sense of self. And children who suffer physical violence, including spanking, have been proven to exhibit lasting negative effects that reach into every corner of their lives.
If your young child does not seem afraid of your anger, it’s an indication that he or she has seen too much of it and has developed defenses against it -- and against you. The unfortunate result is a child who is less likely to want to behave to please you, and is more open to the influences of the peer group and the larger culture. That means you have some repair work to do. Whether or not they show it -- and the more often we get angry, the more defended they will be, and therefore less likely to show it -- our anger is nothing short of terrifying to young children.
How can you handle your own anger?
1. Listen to your anger, rather than acting on it. Anger, like other feelings, is as much a given as our arms and legs. What we’re responsible for is what we choose to do with it. Anger often has a valuable lesson for us, but acting while we are angry, except in rare situations requiring self-defense, is rarely constructive, because we make choices we would never make from a rational state.
The constructive way to handle anger is to limit our expression of it, and when we calm down, to use it diagnostically: what is so wrong in our life that we feel furious, and what do we need to do to change the situation?
Sometimes the answer is clearly related to our parenting: we need to enforce rules before things get out of hand, or start putting the children to bed half an hour earlier, or do some repair work on our relationship with our twelve year old so that she stops treating us rudely. Sometimes we are surprised to find that our anger is actually at our spouse who is not acting as a full partner in parenting, or even at our boss. And sometimes the answer is that we are carrying around anger we don’t understand that spills out onto our kids, and we need to seek help though therapy or a parents support group.
2. Find acceptable ways to express anger. All parents get enraged at their children. Your children will certainly see you angry from time to time, and how you handle those situations will teach them a lot. Will you teach them that might makes right? That parents have tantrums too? Or that anger is part of being human, and that learning to manage anger responsibly is part of becoming mature? Make a list of acceptable ways to handle anger: for instance, you can raise your voice, even scream if necessary, but not hit, call your child names, or mete out any punishment while angry. Your children get angry too, so it’s a double gift to them to find constructive ways to deal with your anger: you not only don’t hurt them, you offer them a role model.
3. If you frequently struggle with your anger, seek counseling. There’s no shame in asking for help. The shame is in reneging on your responsibility as a parent by damaging your child physically or psychologically.
4. Take Five. Recognize that an angry state is not the best place from which to intervene in any situation. Instead, give yourself a timeout and come back when you are able to be calm. Just say, as calmly as you can, “I am too mad right now to talk about this. I am going to take a timeout in my room and calm down. I will be back in ten minutes.”
Exiting does not let your child win. It impresses upon them just how serious the infraction is, and it models self-control. And then use that ten minutes to calm yourself, not to work yourself into a further frenzy about how right you are.
5. Set limits BEFORE you get angry. Often when we get angry at our children, it’s because we haven’t set a limit, and something is grating on us. The minute you start getting angry, it’s a signal to do something. No, not yell. Intervene in a positive way to prevent more of whatever behavior is irritating you.
If your irritation is coming from you -- let’s say you’ve just had a hard day, and their natural exuberance is wearing on you -- it can help to explain that to your kids and ask them to be considerate and keep the behavior that’s irritating you in check, at least for now.
If the kids are doing something that is increasingly annoying -- playing a game in which someone is likely to get hurt, stalling when you’ve asked them to do something, squabbling while you’re on the phone -- you may need to interrupt what you’re doing, restate your family rule or expectation, and redirect them, to keep the situation, and your anger, from escalating.
6. Remember that “expressing” your anger can reinforce and escalate it. Despite the popular idea that we need to “express” our anger so that it doesn’t eat away at us, there’s nothing constructive about expressing anger.
Research shows that expressing anger while we are angry is usually counter-productive, because it actually makes us more angry. This in turn makes the other person hurt, afraid, or angry, and causes a rift in the relationship.
Rehashing the situation in our mind always proves to us that we are right and the other person is wrong, which again makes us more angry as we stew. What works is to find a constructive way to address whatever is making us angry so that the situation is resolved, and our anger stops being triggered.
7. WAIT before disciplining. Nothing says you have to issue edicts on the fly. Simply say something like “I can’t believe you hit your brother after we’ve talked about hitting being against the rules. I need to think about this, and we will talk about it this afternoon. Until then, I expect you to be on your best behavior.”
Once you’ve taken a ten minute timeout and still don’t feel calm enough to relate constructively, you can re-enter the room and say “I want to think about what just happened, and we will talk about it later. In the meantime, I need to make dinner and you need to finish your homework, please.”
After dinner, sit down with your child and, if necessary, set firm limits. But you will be more able to listen to his side of it, and to respond with reasonable, enforceable, respectful limits to his behavior.
8. Avoid physical force. That spanking has a negative impact on children’s development has been proven in study after study. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends strongly against it.
Spanking may make you feel better temporarily, but it is bad for your child, and ultimately sabotages everything positive you do as a parent. Do whatever you need to do to control yourself, including leaving the room. If you can’t control yourself and end up resorting to physical force, apologize to your child, tell him hitting is never ok, and get yourself some help. (See the Spanking and Why Positive Discipline sections on this website).
9. Avoid threats. Threats made while you’re angry will be unreasonable. Since threats are only effective if you are willing to follow through on them, they undermine your authority and make it less likely that your kids will follow the rules next time. Instead, tell your child that you need to think about an appropriate response to this infraction of the rules. The suspense will be worse than hearing a string of threats they know you won’t enforce.
10. The way to get rid of anger is to acknowledge the underlying feelings. Don’t get attached to your anger. Once you’ve listened to it and made appropriate changes, let go of it. If that isn’t working, remember that anger is always a defense. It shields us from feeling vulnerable.
To get rid of anger, look at the hurt or fear under the anger. If your daughter’s so obsessed with her friends that she’s dismissive of the family and that hurts you, or your son’s tantrums scare you, work with those feelings and situations, and address them. Once you get to the underlying feelings, your anger will dissipate.
11. Monitor your tone and word choice. Research shows that the more calmly we speak, the more calm we feel, and the more calmly others respond to us. Similarly, use of swear words or other highly charged words makes us and our listener more upset, and the situation escalates. We have the power to calm or upset ourselves and the person we are speaking with by our own tone of voice and choice of words. (Remember, you're the role model.)
12. Choose your battles. Every negative interaction with your child uses up valuable relationship capital. Focus on what matters, such as the way your child treats other humans. In the larger scheme of things, her jacket on the floor may drive you crazy, but it probably isn’t worth putting your relationship bank account in the red over.
13. Keep looking for effective ways to discipline that encourage better behavior. Some parents are surprised to hear that there are families where the children are generally well-behaved, although physical force is never used and parental yelling is infrequent. There are hugely more effective ways to discipline than anger, and, in fact, disciplining with anger sets up a cycle that encourages misbehavior. (
Dr. Markham is the author of an upcoming Q&A e-book series, Ask Dr. Markham, which will have editions for all ages from birth to teens, and of the soon-to-be-released, The Secret Life of Happy Moms, which lays out her relationship-based approach to raising kids who turn out great. - http://ahaparenting.com/about
Monday, April 13, 2009
Options for resolving disputes among divorcing parents
By Craig Silverman/DAILY NEWS CORRESPONDENT
GHS
Posted Apr 09, 2009 @ 04:34 PM
This past winter my wife and I took our daughter to swimming class at the local YMCA. While we were there we ran into a friend of our daughter's whose parents had recently divorced. Both parents attended the class. During these swim classes they seemed civil and sat within reasonable proximity to each other. I later learned, however, that appearances can be deceiving.
Unfortunately this peaceful co-existence at their child's activities was to come to an abrupt end. I learned soon after the end of the swim class session that the father had filed court papers seeking modification of their parenting arrangement, and the case quickly became contentious. While the facts of each divorce case may differ, the underlying issues are often the same: spending time with the children.
A very wise judge, who has since retired, once said, "Husbands and wives may come and go, but parents are forever."
Now that spring is here and, with it, baseball, soccer, dance recitals, graduations and other activities, resulting in many scenarios like the one described above, children of divorce often wind up caught in the middle, and they begin to ask who's coming to their activities.
Parents have to find ways to resolve their parenting issues, always being guided by what is in the best interest of the child.
As a divorce lawyer who represents both husbands and wives, I often see parents vying for more time with their children, and this competition creates conflict which can put children in the middle. So, what are some options to resolve these conflicts?
Parenting coordinators
Most divorcing parents sign a Separation Agreement (this is a technical term - it's really a divorce agreement) - a contract that outlines the terms of their divorce. It will often have a provision obligating the divorcing parents to take any disagreements about parenting that they cannot work out on their own to a parenting coordinator before going to court.
Parenting coordinators address such issues as pick-up and drop-off times, holidays and child care duties. Often the parents are so busy fighting each other that they fail to consider what's best for their children. Parenting coordinators are people who have expertise in family law and the psychological impact of divorce. They may be psychologists, social workers, attorneys, or professional mediators. In Massachusetts most judges do not believe that they have the authority to appoint a parent coordinator so their appointment must be agreed upon by the parties. Their services are paid for by the parents; often the cost is divided equally, but that varies case by case.
The parent coordinator mediates issues when the parents are unable to negotiate those issues successfully on their own. The parenting coordinator is often given the power to decide what the result should be if the parents remain deadlocked, even after mediation efforts. Family law attorneys and online resources can help in choosing the right parenting coordinator.
While a court has the ultimate final say (and can overrule the parenting coordinator's recommendations), a parenting coordinator can reduce the need to go to court and therefore reduce child-related conflict for divorced parents. Any method of dispute resolution that resolves child-related issues outside of Court is a benefit to those involved.
What happens if either there isn't a provision for a parenting coordinator or one party doesn't agree to use a parent coordinator? Does that mean that the parents have to run to court over each and every parenting issue?
Mediation
Mediation is a form of alternate dispute resolution (ADR) in which a neutral third party, the mediator, assists parties to negotiate an agreement. One advantage of mediation is confidentiality. Mediation also allows the parties to step away from the acrimony of the courtroom to resolve the dispute quickly and inexpensively. Mediation allows parties to speak for themselves, which fosters creative ideas, allows people to address emotional issues, and arrive at practical, long-term solutions that may not be achievable in litigation.
In addition to private mediation firms, there are nonprofit community mediation centers for people who cannot afford to hire a mediator. Mediation can be conducted with or without lawyers present, but most mediators recommend that the parties consult with a lawyer at some point during the mediation process; the extent of the involvement of a lawyer is up to the parties in the mediation.
Collaborative law
Another form of dispute resolution is Collaborative Law, in which lawyers are involved from the beginning but the two parties and lawyers agree that the lawyers will be used only for out-of-court discussions. In other words, if the collaborative negotiations fail and the case needs to go to court, the parties will hire new counsel. This style of practice was invented in 1990 by Stu Webb, a Minnesota family lawyer, who felt that traditional litigation was not always helpful to the parties and their families, and often was damaging. Since its inception, Collaborative Law has spread through most of the United States, Canada, Europe, Australia, England, Switzerland, France and several other countries.
In a collaborative case, the parties work toward reaching a settlement through a series of meetings in which both the parties and counsel attend. These meetings are called four-way meetings even though there are often more than four people present. For example, sometimes a neutral and independent expert is invited to join the discussions. The focus of the four-way meetings is to identify the parties' goals and underlying interests, and look for options that enable both parties to get their needs met.
All three of these processes - mediation, collaborative law, and the use of a parenting coordinator - allow parents to formulate a parenting plan, voice their opinions, and participate directly in the resolution of parenting issues. Litigation stifles the parties' voices - parents can then communicate only through their lawyers - and the voice of their children usually cannot be heard at all.
These alternatives to litigation are not appropriate for every case or every situation, and collaboration cannot succeed if one of the parties is not willing to participate in the process. In those situations, as well as in cases in which there is domestic violence or other exigent circumstances, the parties often have to go to court - either as their first or ultimate course of action.
Court (Litigation)
Once the decision has been made to file an action in court, the process moves at a pace determined by the court. It could take as long as 14 months, and sometimes longer; deciding custodial arrangements is not an issue that is resolved quickly.
Once a case has been filed, the court will usually order that the parties maintain the status quo unless and until it can determine there is a good reason it should be changed. However, there is no longer a presumption that custody is automatically awarded to the mother; the courts do not automatically favor one parent over the other.
When determining the parenting arrangements, the court will consider what the arrangements have been, and, if the child is old enough, the child's wishes.
Once the case is in the court system, a variety of people may become involved in the decision-making. The parties are sometimes required to meet with a Family Services Officer, who may report to the judge on the substance of those discussions.Family Services Officers have only a brief time - usually less than an hour - to meet with the parties and make a recommendation to the judge.
If the case is unusually difficult or contentious, the court may appoint a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL), whose job is to investigate and report to the court. The cost of these evaluations is usually shared by the parties. The GAL is usually a psychologist, psychiatrist or some other family trained specialist in private practice who focuses on custody evaluations.
If these preliminary stages do not resolve the custody issues, the judge will set a trial date. Despite the expense and the acrimony that ordinarily result from taking the case to trial, this may be precisely what's needed when the parties cannot agree on arrangements for their children.
So which process should you use? There is no easy answer; there is no right and wrong. Some questions to ask in making this determination are: Do I need legal advice and representation during this process or can I represent myself? How quickly do I want or need this resolved? In making these decisions, parents should remember that choosing one process or another does not have to be an irrevocable decision. For example, a case may be headed for trial, but it is never too late to try mediation or bring a parenting coordinator into the picture.
None of these processes is a panacea. Each has its advantages and disadvantages. Getting professional advice about which process to choose is a good idea, and for people who cannot afford even that much legal advice, the state bar association can provide assistance. Deciding who is coming to a child's baseball game or soccer practice may seem like a small decision, but the accumulated impact of those decisions - and how they are made - can have a lifelong impact on children. And thus it is difficult to overestimate the value of making the decisions thoughtfully and well.
Craig Silverman is a MetroWest resident and lawyer with Boston Law Collaborative and has been practicing for over 10 years; he has experience in litigation, collaborative law and has been trained in mediation. Information on his practice can be found at www.bostonlawcollaborative.com.
GHS
Posted Apr 09, 2009 @ 04:34 PM
This past winter my wife and I took our daughter to swimming class at the local YMCA. While we were there we ran into a friend of our daughter's whose parents had recently divorced. Both parents attended the class. During these swim classes they seemed civil and sat within reasonable proximity to each other. I later learned, however, that appearances can be deceiving.
Unfortunately this peaceful co-existence at their child's activities was to come to an abrupt end. I learned soon after the end of the swim class session that the father had filed court papers seeking modification of their parenting arrangement, and the case quickly became contentious. While the facts of each divorce case may differ, the underlying issues are often the same: spending time with the children.
A very wise judge, who has since retired, once said, "Husbands and wives may come and go, but parents are forever."
Now that spring is here and, with it, baseball, soccer, dance recitals, graduations and other activities, resulting in many scenarios like the one described above, children of divorce often wind up caught in the middle, and they begin to ask who's coming to their activities.
Parents have to find ways to resolve their parenting issues, always being guided by what is in the best interest of the child.
As a divorce lawyer who represents both husbands and wives, I often see parents vying for more time with their children, and this competition creates conflict which can put children in the middle. So, what are some options to resolve these conflicts?
Parenting coordinators
Most divorcing parents sign a Separation Agreement (this is a technical term - it's really a divorce agreement) - a contract that outlines the terms of their divorce. It will often have a provision obligating the divorcing parents to take any disagreements about parenting that they cannot work out on their own to a parenting coordinator before going to court.
Parenting coordinators address such issues as pick-up and drop-off times, holidays and child care duties. Often the parents are so busy fighting each other that they fail to consider what's best for their children. Parenting coordinators are people who have expertise in family law and the psychological impact of divorce. They may be psychologists, social workers, attorneys, or professional mediators. In Massachusetts most judges do not believe that they have the authority to appoint a parent coordinator so their appointment must be agreed upon by the parties. Their services are paid for by the parents; often the cost is divided equally, but that varies case by case.
The parent coordinator mediates issues when the parents are unable to negotiate those issues successfully on their own. The parenting coordinator is often given the power to decide what the result should be if the parents remain deadlocked, even after mediation efforts. Family law attorneys and online resources can help in choosing the right parenting coordinator.
While a court has the ultimate final say (and can overrule the parenting coordinator's recommendations), a parenting coordinator can reduce the need to go to court and therefore reduce child-related conflict for divorced parents. Any method of dispute resolution that resolves child-related issues outside of Court is a benefit to those involved.
What happens if either there isn't a provision for a parenting coordinator or one party doesn't agree to use a parent coordinator? Does that mean that the parents have to run to court over each and every parenting issue?
Mediation
Mediation is a form of alternate dispute resolution (ADR) in which a neutral third party, the mediator, assists parties to negotiate an agreement. One advantage of mediation is confidentiality. Mediation also allows the parties to step away from the acrimony of the courtroom to resolve the dispute quickly and inexpensively. Mediation allows parties to speak for themselves, which fosters creative ideas, allows people to address emotional issues, and arrive at practical, long-term solutions that may not be achievable in litigation.
In addition to private mediation firms, there are nonprofit community mediation centers for people who cannot afford to hire a mediator. Mediation can be conducted with or without lawyers present, but most mediators recommend that the parties consult with a lawyer at some point during the mediation process; the extent of the involvement of a lawyer is up to the parties in the mediation.
Collaborative law
Another form of dispute resolution is Collaborative Law, in which lawyers are involved from the beginning but the two parties and lawyers agree that the lawyers will be used only for out-of-court discussions. In other words, if the collaborative negotiations fail and the case needs to go to court, the parties will hire new counsel. This style of practice was invented in 1990 by Stu Webb, a Minnesota family lawyer, who felt that traditional litigation was not always helpful to the parties and their families, and often was damaging. Since its inception, Collaborative Law has spread through most of the United States, Canada, Europe, Australia, England, Switzerland, France and several other countries.
In a collaborative case, the parties work toward reaching a settlement through a series of meetings in which both the parties and counsel attend. These meetings are called four-way meetings even though there are often more than four people present. For example, sometimes a neutral and independent expert is invited to join the discussions. The focus of the four-way meetings is to identify the parties' goals and underlying interests, and look for options that enable both parties to get their needs met.
All three of these processes - mediation, collaborative law, and the use of a parenting coordinator - allow parents to formulate a parenting plan, voice their opinions, and participate directly in the resolution of parenting issues. Litigation stifles the parties' voices - parents can then communicate only through their lawyers - and the voice of their children usually cannot be heard at all.
These alternatives to litigation are not appropriate for every case or every situation, and collaboration cannot succeed if one of the parties is not willing to participate in the process. In those situations, as well as in cases in which there is domestic violence or other exigent circumstances, the parties often have to go to court - either as their first or ultimate course of action.
Court (Litigation)
Once the decision has been made to file an action in court, the process moves at a pace determined by the court. It could take as long as 14 months, and sometimes longer; deciding custodial arrangements is not an issue that is resolved quickly.
Once a case has been filed, the court will usually order that the parties maintain the status quo unless and until it can determine there is a good reason it should be changed. However, there is no longer a presumption that custody is automatically awarded to the mother; the courts do not automatically favor one parent over the other.
When determining the parenting arrangements, the court will consider what the arrangements have been, and, if the child is old enough, the child's wishes.
Once the case is in the court system, a variety of people may become involved in the decision-making. The parties are sometimes required to meet with a Family Services Officer, who may report to the judge on the substance of those discussions.Family Services Officers have only a brief time - usually less than an hour - to meet with the parties and make a recommendation to the judge.
If the case is unusually difficult or contentious, the court may appoint a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL), whose job is to investigate and report to the court. The cost of these evaluations is usually shared by the parties. The GAL is usually a psychologist, psychiatrist or some other family trained specialist in private practice who focuses on custody evaluations.
If these preliminary stages do not resolve the custody issues, the judge will set a trial date. Despite the expense and the acrimony that ordinarily result from taking the case to trial, this may be precisely what's needed when the parties cannot agree on arrangements for their children.
So which process should you use? There is no easy answer; there is no right and wrong. Some questions to ask in making this determination are: Do I need legal advice and representation during this process or can I represent myself? How quickly do I want or need this resolved? In making these decisions, parents should remember that choosing one process or another does not have to be an irrevocable decision. For example, a case may be headed for trial, but it is never too late to try mediation or bring a parenting coordinator into the picture.
None of these processes is a panacea. Each has its advantages and disadvantages. Getting professional advice about which process to choose is a good idea, and for people who cannot afford even that much legal advice, the state bar association can provide assistance. Deciding who is coming to a child's baseball game or soccer practice may seem like a small decision, but the accumulated impact of those decisions - and how they are made - can have a lifelong impact on children. And thus it is difficult to overestimate the value of making the decisions thoughtfully and well.
Craig Silverman is a MetroWest resident and lawyer with Boston Law Collaborative and has been practicing for over 10 years; he has experience in litigation, collaborative law and has been trained in mediation. Information on his practice can be found at www.bostonlawcollaborative.com.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Recovery Act Gives SBA Tools to Boost Small Businesses
Recovery Act Gives SBA Tools to Boost Small Businesses
By Carlos G. Mendoza, Fresno SBA District Director
The Obama Administration is determined to employ the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act and the Small Business Administration to make a big dent in the small business credit crunch.
The goal for SBA is jump-starting job creation, re-starting lending, and promoting investment in small businesses.
The Recovery Act provides SBA with $375 million to temporarily eliminate loan fees and raise guarantee limits up to 90 percent on most types of 7(a) loans. It temporarily eliminates 504 loan fees for both borrowers and lenders. SBA estimates these provisions will apply to approximately $8.7 billion in 7(a) loans and $3.6 billion in 504 loans and last through calendar year 2009.
To help small businesses compete for construction and service contracts, the Act allows SBA to more than double the amount it can offer for SBA-backed surety bonds - from a previous $2 million maximum to $5 million.
An element already in place - SBA's Microloan program - received additional funding for up to $50 million in new loans. This capital is available today for new loans of up to $35,000 and accompanying technical assistance through SBA's non-profit, community-based lenders.
In another step, the Treasury Department plan has committed up to $15 billion in TARP funds to help unfreeze small business lending by purchasing existing and new SBA-backed loans made by banks. This will free up capital for lenders to use for future lending, particularly benefiting small, community and non-bank lenders.
The Recovery Act authorizes the SBA to use its 504 program in various ways: to refinance existing loans for fixed assets in a business expansion project; to use its guarantee authority to establish a secondary market; and to make loans to broker-dealers who buy 504 loans from lenders.
Significant interest has been shown in a new program funded by the Act - tentatively called America's Recovery Capital, or "ARC" Stabilization Loans. Once in place, this temporary program funded to $255 million, will offer deferred-payment loans 100 percent guaranteed by SBA for up to $35,000 to viable small businesses that need help making up to six months' worth of payments on existing, qualifying, non-SBA backed loans.
The Act also helps to make venture capital available to smaller businesses by raising the funds SBA-licensed Small Business Investment Companies can receive if they raise small business investments by five percent.
SBA staff is working hard to implement the rest of the Recovery Act's programs. Although there are many moving parts, SBA's aim is to implement these programs quickly and effectively for as rapid an affect on small business credit markets as possible.
Let me emphasize that all of SBA's existing programs are open for business. We back new loans and provide training, technical and contracting assistance to entrepreneurs every day.
Be assured the SBA is working overtime. We know small businesses have a proven ability to create new jobs and commerce. The next phase of our economic recovery rests in their hands.
The Fresno SBA Office services the 15 counties of Central California. For additional information please contact the SBA at (559) 487-5791.
# # #
By Carlos G. Mendoza, Fresno SBA District Director
The Obama Administration is determined to employ the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act and the Small Business Administration to make a big dent in the small business credit crunch.
The goal for SBA is jump-starting job creation, re-starting lending, and promoting investment in small businesses.
The Recovery Act provides SBA with $375 million to temporarily eliminate loan fees and raise guarantee limits up to 90 percent on most types of 7(a) loans. It temporarily eliminates 504 loan fees for both borrowers and lenders. SBA estimates these provisions will apply to approximately $8.7 billion in 7(a) loans and $3.6 billion in 504 loans and last through calendar year 2009.
To help small businesses compete for construction and service contracts, the Act allows SBA to more than double the amount it can offer for SBA-backed surety bonds - from a previous $2 million maximum to $5 million.
An element already in place - SBA's Microloan program - received additional funding for up to $50 million in new loans. This capital is available today for new loans of up to $35,000 and accompanying technical assistance through SBA's non-profit, community-based lenders.
In another step, the Treasury Department plan has committed up to $15 billion in TARP funds to help unfreeze small business lending by purchasing existing and new SBA-backed loans made by banks. This will free up capital for lenders to use for future lending, particularly benefiting small, community and non-bank lenders.
The Recovery Act authorizes the SBA to use its 504 program in various ways: to refinance existing loans for fixed assets in a business expansion project; to use its guarantee authority to establish a secondary market; and to make loans to broker-dealers who buy 504 loans from lenders.
Significant interest has been shown in a new program funded by the Act - tentatively called America's Recovery Capital, or "ARC" Stabilization Loans. Once in place, this temporary program funded to $255 million, will offer deferred-payment loans 100 percent guaranteed by SBA for up to $35,000 to viable small businesses that need help making up to six months' worth of payments on existing, qualifying, non-SBA backed loans.
The Act also helps to make venture capital available to smaller businesses by raising the funds SBA-licensed Small Business Investment Companies can receive if they raise small business investments by five percent.
SBA staff is working hard to implement the rest of the Recovery Act's programs. Although there are many moving parts, SBA's aim is to implement these programs quickly and effectively for as rapid an affect on small business credit markets as possible.
Let me emphasize that all of SBA's existing programs are open for business. We back new loans and provide training, technical and contracting assistance to entrepreneurs every day.
Be assured the SBA is working overtime. We know small businesses have a proven ability to create new jobs and commerce. The next phase of our economic recovery rests in their hands.
The Fresno SBA Office services the 15 counties of Central California. For additional information please contact the SBA at (559) 487-5791.
# # #
Monday, April 6, 2009
How to Find an Attorney in My County via the Internet
Interesting Blog - worth a read:
http://www.cheatingrules.com/how-to-find-an-attorney-in-my-county-via-the-internet
http://www.cheatingrules.com/how-to-find-an-attorney-in-my-county-via-the-internet
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Adultery: Does It Make Any Difference?
Title: Adultery: Does It Make Any Difference?
Author: Dianna J. Gould-Saltman, Esq.
Date: Winter, 1998
THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT. As we watched the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal unfold in Washington, and as we got the sound bites of the Starr report hot off the presses (or the computer screens), that age-old question arises for family law attorneys: does adultery even matter in family law? We don't know the answer in the 40 other states, but in California, the answer is maybe, but not necessarily in ways you think.
WHAT DOES NO FAULT DIVORCE REALLY MEAN?
Most people are aware that California is a "no fault" divorce state, that is, one is not required to prove that one's spouse has done something "wrong" in order to obtain a divorce. the only two grounds from which to choose to dissolve a marriage here in California is (a). irreconcilable differences have arisen which have caused a complete break down of the marriage; or (b) incurable insanity. While many are tempted to plead the latter (ie. He must have been CRAZY to think he wouldn't get caught!"), it's much more technical than that and most people choose a. Some other states, and California prior to 1970 required "proof" of "fault" (eg. Cruelty, abandonment, adultery, etc.). The result of being the party "at fault" can, in some states, affect the allocation of marital property or the amount or duration of spousal support (alimony). In a "no fault" state, marital infidelity is irrelevant to obtaining a divorce or to the division of property.
Additionally, while California once permitted people to sue for alienation of affection, criminal conversion (spouse stealing), seduction of a person over the age of legal consent and breach of promise to marry, they were done away with some time ago.
WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN
If an extramarital relationship has carried over after the parties separate, many people wonder whether the fact that the "new girlfriend" or "new boyfriend" is around is reason enough to restrict child custody or visitation. Aside from the anger and embarrassment of the cuckolded spouse, I am frequently asked whether that doesn't confuse the children ("This is contrary to everything we've raised the children to value and believe") and whether, if the new "significant other" spends the night, isn't that teaching the children that sex without marriage is OK, when the parents have always told the children it isn't. The answer is , under the law, the court must make custody orders consistent with the best interests of the children and, unless evidence contradicts the assumption, it is assumed that the children need frequent and continuing contact with each parent. Actually having sex in front of the children is never condoned and shows a gross lack of good judgment. Short of that, while such relationships might be an affront to the dignity of the offended spouse, it is unlikely to have a significant impact on a child custody order.
SO WHERE MIGHT "ADULTEROUS BEHAVIOR" COME INTO PLAY IN FAMILY LAW?
1. Misappropriation: During marriage each spouse is charged with the duty to manage marital assets (including income) in a way which hopefully benefits, and, at a minimum, does not harm, the family. If one spouse takes money away from the family for a purpose contrary to the family, that is called a misappropriation. Spending community money on a girlfriend or boyfriend, especially expensive gifts, paying for rent or mortgage, or vacations can be deemed a misappropriation for which the "injured" party is entitled to reimbursement for one half of the funds spent, possibly with interest, from the date of the misappropriation.
2. Interspousal tort. Under non-criminal law, an intentional, unlawful and harmful or offensive contact by one person with the person of another may be considered "battery", for which damages (money) may be assessed. Should an extramarital affair result in the offending party contracting, and giving to the "innocent" party a sexually transmitted disease, that may constitute civil "battery". Such an action might need to be prosecuted in a separate civil action apart from the divorce case, but the two cases can be consolidated upon appropriate motion to the court.
3. Supported Spouse. Where one spouse is paying spousal support to the other, if the supported spouse thereafter "cohabits" with a member of the opposite sex, there is a rebuttable presumption that the supported person has a decreased need for spousal support. The supported spouse then has the burden of proving continued need. This does NOT, however, affect child support. cohabitation has been defined in cases over the years as being something more than roommates, probably requiring romantic involvement, but not necessarily sexual relations. The income of the new boyfriend or girlfriend or even a new spouse of the payor is irrelevant.
CONCLUSION
Infidelity most affects divorce in the negotiation process. Rarely does infidelity fail to elicit a strong, negative emotional response from the "wronged" spouse. In turn, the party who is engaged in the affair may respond out of guilt, become defensive or turn blame onto the other party again, all strong, negative emotional responses. Strong negative emotions are among the things which make divorces more acrimonious, protracted and painful.
The law will be applied neutrally and there may be little legal detriment to adultery. All actions, however have their consequences, whether around a negotiating table, in a court of law, or on the Senate floor.
**Originally published in the Gould-Saltman Family Law Forum (Winter, 1998). Reprinted with permission.
DIANNA J. GOULD-SALTMAN IS A PARTNER IN THE GOULD-SALTMAN LAW OFFICES, LLP, A FIRM DEDICATED TO THE HIGHEST QUALITY FAMILY LAW MEDIATION AND REPRESENTATION. SHE MAY BE REACHED AT 323-939-8400.
www.ChildSharing.com - 39.99 Online Divorce Parenting Class
Author: Dianna J. Gould-Saltman, Esq.
Date: Winter, 1998
THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT. As we watched the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal unfold in Washington, and as we got the sound bites of the Starr report hot off the presses (or the computer screens), that age-old question arises for family law attorneys: does adultery even matter in family law? We don't know the answer in the 40 other states, but in California, the answer is maybe, but not necessarily in ways you think.
WHAT DOES NO FAULT DIVORCE REALLY MEAN?
Most people are aware that California is a "no fault" divorce state, that is, one is not required to prove that one's spouse has done something "wrong" in order to obtain a divorce. the only two grounds from which to choose to dissolve a marriage here in California is (a). irreconcilable differences have arisen which have caused a complete break down of the marriage; or (b) incurable insanity. While many are tempted to plead the latter (ie. He must have been CRAZY to think he wouldn't get caught!"), it's much more technical than that and most people choose a. Some other states, and California prior to 1970 required "proof" of "fault" (eg. Cruelty, abandonment, adultery, etc.). The result of being the party "at fault" can, in some states, affect the allocation of marital property or the amount or duration of spousal support (alimony). In a "no fault" state, marital infidelity is irrelevant to obtaining a divorce or to the division of property.
Additionally, while California once permitted people to sue for alienation of affection, criminal conversion (spouse stealing), seduction of a person over the age of legal consent and breach of promise to marry, they were done away with some time ago.
WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN
If an extramarital relationship has carried over after the parties separate, many people wonder whether the fact that the "new girlfriend" or "new boyfriend" is around is reason enough to restrict child custody or visitation. Aside from the anger and embarrassment of the cuckolded spouse, I am frequently asked whether that doesn't confuse the children ("This is contrary to everything we've raised the children to value and believe") and whether, if the new "significant other" spends the night, isn't that teaching the children that sex without marriage is OK, when the parents have always told the children it isn't. The answer is , under the law, the court must make custody orders consistent with the best interests of the children and, unless evidence contradicts the assumption, it is assumed that the children need frequent and continuing contact with each parent. Actually having sex in front of the children is never condoned and shows a gross lack of good judgment. Short of that, while such relationships might be an affront to the dignity of the offended spouse, it is unlikely to have a significant impact on a child custody order.
SO WHERE MIGHT "ADULTEROUS BEHAVIOR" COME INTO PLAY IN FAMILY LAW?
1. Misappropriation: During marriage each spouse is charged with the duty to manage marital assets (including income) in a way which hopefully benefits, and, at a minimum, does not harm, the family. If one spouse takes money away from the family for a purpose contrary to the family, that is called a misappropriation. Spending community money on a girlfriend or boyfriend, especially expensive gifts, paying for rent or mortgage, or vacations can be deemed a misappropriation for which the "injured" party is entitled to reimbursement for one half of the funds spent, possibly with interest, from the date of the misappropriation.
2. Interspousal tort. Under non-criminal law, an intentional, unlawful and harmful or offensive contact by one person with the person of another may be considered "battery", for which damages (money) may be assessed. Should an extramarital affair result in the offending party contracting, and giving to the "innocent" party a sexually transmitted disease, that may constitute civil "battery". Such an action might need to be prosecuted in a separate civil action apart from the divorce case, but the two cases can be consolidated upon appropriate motion to the court.
3. Supported Spouse. Where one spouse is paying spousal support to the other, if the supported spouse thereafter "cohabits" with a member of the opposite sex, there is a rebuttable presumption that the supported person has a decreased need for spousal support. The supported spouse then has the burden of proving continued need. This does NOT, however, affect child support. cohabitation has been defined in cases over the years as being something more than roommates, probably requiring romantic involvement, but not necessarily sexual relations. The income of the new boyfriend or girlfriend or even a new spouse of the payor is irrelevant.
CONCLUSION
Infidelity most affects divorce in the negotiation process. Rarely does infidelity fail to elicit a strong, negative emotional response from the "wronged" spouse. In turn, the party who is engaged in the affair may respond out of guilt, become defensive or turn blame onto the other party again, all strong, negative emotional responses. Strong negative emotions are among the things which make divorces more acrimonious, protracted and painful.
The law will be applied neutrally and there may be little legal detriment to adultery. All actions, however have their consequences, whether around a negotiating table, in a court of law, or on the Senate floor.
**Originally published in the Gould-Saltman Family Law Forum (Winter, 1998). Reprinted with permission.
DIANNA J. GOULD-SALTMAN IS A PARTNER IN THE GOULD-SALTMAN LAW OFFICES, LLP, A FIRM DEDICATED TO THE HIGHEST QUALITY FAMILY LAW MEDIATION AND REPRESENTATION. SHE MAY BE REACHED AT 323-939-8400.
www.ChildSharing.com - 39.99 Online Divorce Parenting Class
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