What kind of kid do you want to raise? Happy, responsible, considerate, respectful, honest -- whether 6 or 16? Your chances of that go way up if you never punish your child. That means no spanking, no timeouts, no yelling, no contrived consequences. Really. No punishment.
The dirty little secret about punishment is that it doesn't help kids learn to behave. Studies show that ALL punishment makes kids feel worse about themselves and act worse. If punishment helped kids become more self disciplined and behave better, you'd only have to do it once.
Punishment is also associated with lying. Kids who aren't punished don't lie to their parents, because they don't need to -- and the relationship is too important to them.
So why do we punish? We think we should. It alleviates our own frustration. It makes us feel less powerless. We're afraid we don't have any other way to coax good behavior out of our kids.
But children who are guided (which is what the word discipline means) and treated respectfully are better behaved and happier. Yes, of course, there are expectations for behavior. But no need to punish. These kids WANT to behave.
So how can you help kids behave without punishment?
1. Lead by loving example. That means doing whatever you need to so you can manage your own unruly emotions and speak respectfully to your child.
2. Stay connected, even while you guide, so your child wants to please you. When they feel they can't please us, kids harden their hearts to us. So by all means set limits, but set them with empathy: “You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit. Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel."
4. Address the needs that are motivating the misbehavior. All human behavior springs from the attempt to meet a legitimate need. Address the need and you change the behavior.
5. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us. If your child ignores your guidance, it means your relationship isn't strong enough to support the teaching. Back off and focus on rebuilding a close connection.
6. Redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“We don't throw balls in the house. You can throw the ball outside”)....
A recent newsletter included the article "10 Commitments You Can Make to Become a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!" A number of readers wrote asking me to cover each of these commitments in more detail, which we've been doing in the Daily Inspirations. The article above is Commitment #7.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Tips For Succesfull Co-Parenting
In addition to basic parenting issues, the couple must somehow find a way to do what was probably a challenge in their relationship: communicate clearly and effectively with each other. Working together is essential to the success of a co-parenting arrangement. It may be hard to work through your communication issues, but everyone will benefit if you do.
Other aspects of co-parenting are the same as parenting in one household:
Be respectful of your ex spouse.
Resolve conflicts and discuss major issues privately, not in front of the children.
Don’t confide, complain or grumble about your ex to your kids – you need family, friends or a therapist for that role.
Don’t use your kids as messengers between you and the other parent.
Assure your kids that both parents will listen to feelings and address needs cooperatively.
Other aspects of co-parenting are the same as parenting in one household:
Be respectful of your ex spouse.
Resolve conflicts and discuss major issues privately, not in front of the children.
Don’t confide, complain or grumble about your ex to your kids – you need family, friends or a therapist for that role.
Don’t use your kids as messengers between you and the other parent.
Assure your kids that both parents will listen to feelings and address needs cooperatively.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Divorce Parents Are Still Parents
Divorced parenting presents the former spouses with all manner of challenges that intact couples do not have to face. One of the most significant is that after a divorce, both former spouses must remember that in their dealings with each other, both of them are still equally the parents of their children.
Today, courts are very open to custody arrangements that cooperative parents negotiate, but if custody is disputed, very often the mother ends up as the custodial parent receiving child support and the father becomes the noncustodial parent paying it, and he visits his children under the terms and conditions of a schedule. This routine, though admittedly not perfect, permits both parents to be actively involved in the lives of their children.
However, what frequently happens is that the noncustodial father, even one who demonstrates good faith with prompt payment of child support, slowly drifts out the lives of his children. Moreover, the divorced father who remarries and has a second family with a new wife may move toward the vanishing point in the lives of his children from earlier marriage. When Dad drifts from the picture — for example, missing promised outings with his children or not showing up for school events — children frequently blame themselves.
Judges, social workers, family counselors, custody evaluators — all stress the need for both mother and father to be active parents of their children, who suffer terribly in the divorce of their parents and who frequently fantasize about their reunification.
Among the many reason to make a heroic effort to avoid a divorce war is that when the marriage is over, divorce parents must still work together to be good parents. By the same token, former spouses who continue the war after the peace treaty has been signed — that is, those who continue to fight with their former spouses about, for example, returning the children a few minutes late — make effective parenting very difficult.
Admittedly, divorce parenting is difficult. The noncustodial father is not physically present much of the time and thus he misses many of his children’s best moments because they happen spontaneously. And the custodial mother may become overburdened because she and she alone is with them all the time. However, this actually underscores the truth of divorced parenting: both parents are still equally the parents of their children.
Today, courts are very open to custody arrangements that cooperative parents negotiate, but if custody is disputed, very often the mother ends up as the custodial parent receiving child support and the father becomes the noncustodial parent paying it, and he visits his children under the terms and conditions of a schedule. This routine, though admittedly not perfect, permits both parents to be actively involved in the lives of their children.
However, what frequently happens is that the noncustodial father, even one who demonstrates good faith with prompt payment of child support, slowly drifts out the lives of his children. Moreover, the divorced father who remarries and has a second family with a new wife may move toward the vanishing point in the lives of his children from earlier marriage. When Dad drifts from the picture — for example, missing promised outings with his children or not showing up for school events — children frequently blame themselves.
Judges, social workers, family counselors, custody evaluators — all stress the need for both mother and father to be active parents of their children, who suffer terribly in the divorce of their parents and who frequently fantasize about their reunification.
Among the many reason to make a heroic effort to avoid a divorce war is that when the marriage is over, divorce parents must still work together to be good parents. By the same token, former spouses who continue the war after the peace treaty has been signed — that is, those who continue to fight with their former spouses about, for example, returning the children a few minutes late — make effective parenting very difficult.
Admittedly, divorce parenting is difficult. The noncustodial father is not physically present much of the time and thus he misses many of his children’s best moments because they happen spontaneously. And the custodial mother may become overburdened because she and she alone is with them all the time. However, this actually underscores the truth of divorced parenting: both parents are still equally the parents of their children.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Parental Alienation Syndrome
What is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)?
This is the definition of PAS as described by R.A. Gardner who discovered the syndrome and has become an expert in dealing with the issue.
Gardner's definition of PAS is:
"The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent."
(Excerpted from: Gardner, R.A. (1998). The Parental Alienation Syndrome, Second Edition, Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics, Inc.)
Basically, this means that through verbal and non verbal thoughts, actions and mannerisms, a child is emotionally abused (brainwashed) into thinking the other parent is the enemy. This ranges from bad mouthing the other parent infront of the children, to withholding visits, to pre-arranging the activities for the children while visiting with the other parent.
Stages of Parental Alienations Syndrome:
Children who are victims of PAS often go through different Stages as they experience the depth of the alienation.
Stage 1 - Mild | Stage 2 - Moderate | Stage 3 - Severe |
Types of Alienators:
With PAS there are three types of Alienators:
Naive Alienator | Active Alienator | Obsessed Alienator |
This is the definition of PAS as described by R.A. Gardner who discovered the syndrome and has become an expert in dealing with the issue.
Gardner's definition of PAS is:
"The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent."
(Excerpted from: Gardner, R.A. (1998). The Parental Alienation Syndrome, Second Edition, Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics, Inc.)
Basically, this means that through verbal and non verbal thoughts, actions and mannerisms, a child is emotionally abused (brainwashed) into thinking the other parent is the enemy. This ranges from bad mouthing the other parent infront of the children, to withholding visits, to pre-arranging the activities for the children while visiting with the other parent.
Stages of Parental Alienations Syndrome:
Children who are victims of PAS often go through different Stages as they experience the depth of the alienation.
Stage 1 - Mild | Stage 2 - Moderate | Stage 3 - Severe |
Types of Alienators:
With PAS there are three types of Alienators:
Naive Alienator | Active Alienator | Obsessed Alienator |
Monday, January 11, 2010
Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead?
By Dr. Laura Markham http://ahaparenting.com/
"Want to feel as playful and vibrant as your children? Want to feel an abundance of energy? Want to experience greater clarity in all you do? Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead? Imagine taking care of yourself in all the marvelous ways you take care of others. It makes sense that, if you shifted self-care onto the top of your priority list, you would feel more rested, more centered, more present to your loved ones, more joyful..." -- womansfieldguide.com
Yesterday my weekly newsletter included the article "10 Commitments You Can Make to Become a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!" A number of readers wrote asking me to cover each of these commitments in more detail. Today, we begin with #1:
Commit to taking care of yourself and staying centered so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves.
Nobody is centered all the time. This commitment is about noticing when you get off balance and finding ways to course-correct. Equally important, it's about creating a healthy foundation so the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (and children!) don't faze you. How? Integrate daily sustainable self-nurturing into your life, to keep your mood happy and resourceful:
* Make a list of things that make you feel joyful, and do at least one thing from your Joy list every single day. It can be as simple as a hot bath or as elaborate as getting a sitter so you can spend the evening out.
* Make a list of things you can do with your kids to shift the mood and energy when things get tough: Put on music and dance? Make popcorn? Spend the afternoon snuggling on the couch with a blanket and a pile of books? Get everyone outside for an hour?
* The minute your mood veers from loving to frazzled, stop. Breathe deep. Remind yourself that everything is better when you stay calm. Hug your children and regroup.
* Start going to bed an hour earlier so you're better rested in the morning.
* Notice the times each day that stress you (bedtime? dinner prep? getting dressed?). Write out a routine for that time of day, post it, and keep refining it until you can enjoy it stress-free.
* Figure out healthful snacks and meals that you actually love eating and can prepare quickly.
* Drop the addictions that are sapping your energy (you know what they are) and substitute other ways to recharge your batteries and indulge yourself. Get help if you need to as you break old habits.
* Slow down your pace so you can enjoy your life. Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Just say no to everything you can that doesn’t bring you joy.
* Forget about having a calm and orderly life. (You have kids, right?) Instead, aspire to remain gracious in the face of the unexpected. Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong.
* Adopt a simple mindfulness practice to stay in balance. It can be as simple as putting post-its reminding you to Breathe on your dashboard, mirror, and fridge.
* Transform those inner negative voices in your head into your inner cheerleader and shower yourself with encouragement.
* Forgive yourself every day for all the ways you aren't perfect, and accept yourself, warts and all. Only parents who can make peace with their own imperfection can fully accept and love their children (who are by definition imperfect.)
* Count your blessings and say thank you for everything good in your life, every single day.
Make sure your child gets the best of you, not what's left of you after life wears you down each day. What’s your plan today to fill your own cup with love and joy?
All Rights Reserved: http://ahaparenting.com/
www.ChildSharing.com
By Dr. Laura Markham http://ahaparenting.com/
"Want to feel as playful and vibrant as your children? Want to feel an abundance of energy? Want to experience greater clarity in all you do? Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead? Imagine taking care of yourself in all the marvelous ways you take care of others. It makes sense that, if you shifted self-care onto the top of your priority list, you would feel more rested, more centered, more present to your loved ones, more joyful..." -- womansfieldguide.com
Yesterday my weekly newsletter included the article "10 Commitments You Can Make to Become a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!" A number of readers wrote asking me to cover each of these commitments in more detail. Today, we begin with #1:
Commit to taking care of yourself and staying centered so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves.
Nobody is centered all the time. This commitment is about noticing when you get off balance and finding ways to course-correct. Equally important, it's about creating a healthy foundation so the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (and children!) don't faze you. How? Integrate daily sustainable self-nurturing into your life, to keep your mood happy and resourceful:
* Make a list of things that make you feel joyful, and do at least one thing from your Joy list every single day. It can be as simple as a hot bath or as elaborate as getting a sitter so you can spend the evening out.
* Make a list of things you can do with your kids to shift the mood and energy when things get tough: Put on music and dance? Make popcorn? Spend the afternoon snuggling on the couch with a blanket and a pile of books? Get everyone outside for an hour?
* The minute your mood veers from loving to frazzled, stop. Breathe deep. Remind yourself that everything is better when you stay calm. Hug your children and regroup.
* Start going to bed an hour earlier so you're better rested in the morning.
* Notice the times each day that stress you (bedtime? dinner prep? getting dressed?). Write out a routine for that time of day, post it, and keep refining it until you can enjoy it stress-free.
* Figure out healthful snacks and meals that you actually love eating and can prepare quickly.
* Drop the addictions that are sapping your energy (you know what they are) and substitute other ways to recharge your batteries and indulge yourself. Get help if you need to as you break old habits.
* Slow down your pace so you can enjoy your life. Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Just say no to everything you can that doesn’t bring you joy.
* Forget about having a calm and orderly life. (You have kids, right?) Instead, aspire to remain gracious in the face of the unexpected. Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong.
* Adopt a simple mindfulness practice to stay in balance. It can be as simple as putting post-its reminding you to Breathe on your dashboard, mirror, and fridge.
* Transform those inner negative voices in your head into your inner cheerleader and shower yourself with encouragement.
* Forgive yourself every day for all the ways you aren't perfect, and accept yourself, warts and all. Only parents who can make peace with their own imperfection can fully accept and love their children (who are by definition imperfect.)
* Count your blessings and say thank you for everything good in your life, every single day.
Make sure your child gets the best of you, not what's left of you after life wears you down each day. What’s your plan today to fill your own cup with love and joy?
All Rights Reserved: http://ahaparenting.com/
www.ChildSharing.com
Monday, January 4, 2010
10 Commitments That Will Make You a Better Parent
by: Dr. Laura Markham. All rights reserved
Being a better parent isn’t something you make a resolution about and immediately notice a change. You act as you do because of how you feel inside, how you’ve gotten used to interacting with your child, and the model of parenting you’re carrying around in your head. Those are powerful forces.
But if you want to become a more inspired parent – and a happier person – that’s completely possible. I’ve seen countless parents do it. How? Step by step.
Start by committing yourself. Envision what your life will look like when you keep this commitment, and how you'll feel. Revisit your commitment daily, including your image of how keeping that commitment makes you feel. (You're programming your subconscious.) When you mess up (and you will, if you’re human), offer yourself total compassion, apologize to your child, and take a positive step in your desired direction. Two steps forward, one step back still takes you where you want to go.
Make a small positive change every day. Find support (like my free daily emails) and give yourself constant cheerleading.
Wondering where to begin? Here are 10 Commitments that will make you a better parent – and a happier person. Start with one, or commit to all ten. I’ll be here to support you each step of the way.
1. Commit to taking care of yourself and staying centered so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves. That means integrating daily sustainable self-nurturing into your life: Go to bed earlier so you’re better rested, eat healthfully to maintain your mood, transform any inner negative voices into encouraging ones, and slow down your pace so you can enjoy your life.
2. Commit to loving the one you’re with. The one thing we know for certain about child development is that kids who feel loved and cherished thrive. That doesn’t mean kids who ARE loved – plenty of kids whose parents love them don’t thrive. The kids who thrive are the ones who FEEL loved and cherished for exactly who they are. Every child is unique, so it takes a different approach for that child to feel seen and loved. The hard work for us as parents is accepting who our child is, warts and all – and cherishing him or her for being that person, even while guiding behavior. The secret? See it from his perspective, use a positive lens, and celebrate every step in the right direction.
3. Commit to staying connected. Separation happens. That’s why we have to repeatedly reconnect. Remember that quality time is about connection, not teaching, so it’s mostly unstructured. Hug your child first thing every morning and when you say goodbye. When you’re reunited later in the day, spend fifteen minutes solely focused on your child. (What do you do in that 15 minutes? Listen, commiserate, hug, laugh, listen some more.) Stop working before dinner time so you can devote your evening to your family. Eat dinner together. Have a chat and a silent snuggle at bedtime every night with each child.
4. Commit to role modeling respect. Want to raise kids who are considerate and respectful, right through the teen years? Take a deep breath, and speak to them respectfully. Not always easy when you’re angry, so remember the cardinal rules of managing your emotions with kids: You’re the role model, don’t take it personally, and this too shall pass!
5. Commit to teaching emotional intelligence by empathizing with your child’s emotions rather than minimizing them. We help kids learn to manage their emotions by giving them the message that their full range of feelings is understandable, even while their actions must be limited. (“You wish you could have a cookie”) and by giving them words to express how they feel (“You’re mad your tower fell!”).
6. Commit to looking for the needs behind your child’s behavior. Your kid has a reason for whatever he’s doing that displeases you. It might not be what you consider a good reason, but it’s what’s motivating his behavior. If yelling at him about his behavior were going to change it, that would have worked already. Only by addressing the underlying need do we change a person’s behavior. Parents who address kids’ need pre-emptively by noticing problem areas (“Hmm….looks like she wants to choose her own clothes, even if they don’t match!”) are rewarded with kids who cooperate.
7. Commit to guidance rather than punishment. Kids only behave to please us. When we constantly criticize and discipline, they harden their hearts to us. Parents who lead by loving example, address needs rather than focusing on misbehavior, redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“You can throw the ball outside”), and set limits empathically (“You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit. Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel”) end up with well-behaved, self-disciplined kids who WANT to behave.
8. Commit to remembering what’s important and an attitude of gratitude. Stay positive and choose your battles. Every negative interaction with your child uses up valuable relationship capital. Focus on what matters, such as the way your child treats her siblings. In the larger scheme of things, her jacket on the floor may drive you crazy, but it probably isn’t worth putting your relationship bank account in the red over. Be grateful for every single thing she does that you like, and you’ll find her doing lots more of those things.
9. Commit to radical self-acceptance and compassion. Want to feel more love in your heart? Give it to yourself! Love is a verb. Yes, love can just happen – but we only make more (and feel more) by giving it away. And we can only give our children as much love as our own hearts can hold. Go ahead – stretch your heart. Every time you feel bad, for any reason, offer yourself love. You’ll be amazed how your life tranforms.
10. Keep Perspective. Sure, your kids will make mistakes, and so will you. There are no perfect parents, no perfect children, and no prefect families. But there are families who live in the embrace of great love, where everyone thrives. The only way to create that kind of family is to make daily choices that take you in that direction. It's not magic, just the hard work of course correction to stay on the right path. But if you look for it, you can always find trailmarks and support to beckon you onward to a more rewarding life. Just keep taking positive steps. Before you know it, you'll find your self in a whole new landscape.
Being a better parent isn’t something you make a resolution about and immediately notice a change. You act as you do because of how you feel inside, how you’ve gotten used to interacting with your child, and the model of parenting you’re carrying around in your head. Those are powerful forces.
But if you want to become a more inspired parent – and a happier person – that’s completely possible. I’ve seen countless parents do it. How? Step by step.
Start by committing yourself. Envision what your life will look like when you keep this commitment, and how you'll feel. Revisit your commitment daily, including your image of how keeping that commitment makes you feel. (You're programming your subconscious.) When you mess up (and you will, if you’re human), offer yourself total compassion, apologize to your child, and take a positive step in your desired direction. Two steps forward, one step back still takes you where you want to go.
Make a small positive change every day. Find support (like my free daily emails) and give yourself constant cheerleading.
Wondering where to begin? Here are 10 Commitments that will make you a better parent – and a happier person. Start with one, or commit to all ten. I’ll be here to support you each step of the way.
1. Commit to taking care of yourself and staying centered so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves. That means integrating daily sustainable self-nurturing into your life: Go to bed earlier so you’re better rested, eat healthfully to maintain your mood, transform any inner negative voices into encouraging ones, and slow down your pace so you can enjoy your life.
2. Commit to loving the one you’re with. The one thing we know for certain about child development is that kids who feel loved and cherished thrive. That doesn’t mean kids who ARE loved – plenty of kids whose parents love them don’t thrive. The kids who thrive are the ones who FEEL loved and cherished for exactly who they are. Every child is unique, so it takes a different approach for that child to feel seen and loved. The hard work for us as parents is accepting who our child is, warts and all – and cherishing him or her for being that person, even while guiding behavior. The secret? See it from his perspective, use a positive lens, and celebrate every step in the right direction.
3. Commit to staying connected. Separation happens. That’s why we have to repeatedly reconnect. Remember that quality time is about connection, not teaching, so it’s mostly unstructured. Hug your child first thing every morning and when you say goodbye. When you’re reunited later in the day, spend fifteen minutes solely focused on your child. (What do you do in that 15 minutes? Listen, commiserate, hug, laugh, listen some more.) Stop working before dinner time so you can devote your evening to your family. Eat dinner together. Have a chat and a silent snuggle at bedtime every night with each child.
4. Commit to role modeling respect. Want to raise kids who are considerate and respectful, right through the teen years? Take a deep breath, and speak to them respectfully. Not always easy when you’re angry, so remember the cardinal rules of managing your emotions with kids: You’re the role model, don’t take it personally, and this too shall pass!
5. Commit to teaching emotional intelligence by empathizing with your child’s emotions rather than minimizing them. We help kids learn to manage their emotions by giving them the message that their full range of feelings is understandable, even while their actions must be limited. (“You wish you could have a cookie”) and by giving them words to express how they feel (“You’re mad your tower fell!”).
6. Commit to looking for the needs behind your child’s behavior. Your kid has a reason for whatever he’s doing that displeases you. It might not be what you consider a good reason, but it’s what’s motivating his behavior. If yelling at him about his behavior were going to change it, that would have worked already. Only by addressing the underlying need do we change a person’s behavior. Parents who address kids’ need pre-emptively by noticing problem areas (“Hmm….looks like she wants to choose her own clothes, even if they don’t match!”) are rewarded with kids who cooperate.
7. Commit to guidance rather than punishment. Kids only behave to please us. When we constantly criticize and discipline, they harden their hearts to us. Parents who lead by loving example, address needs rather than focusing on misbehavior, redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“You can throw the ball outside”), and set limits empathically (“You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit. Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel”) end up with well-behaved, self-disciplined kids who WANT to behave.
8. Commit to remembering what’s important and an attitude of gratitude. Stay positive and choose your battles. Every negative interaction with your child uses up valuable relationship capital. Focus on what matters, such as the way your child treats her siblings. In the larger scheme of things, her jacket on the floor may drive you crazy, but it probably isn’t worth putting your relationship bank account in the red over. Be grateful for every single thing she does that you like, and you’ll find her doing lots more of those things.
9. Commit to radical self-acceptance and compassion. Want to feel more love in your heart? Give it to yourself! Love is a verb. Yes, love can just happen – but we only make more (and feel more) by giving it away. And we can only give our children as much love as our own hearts can hold. Go ahead – stretch your heart. Every time you feel bad, for any reason, offer yourself love. You’ll be amazed how your life tranforms.
10. Keep Perspective. Sure, your kids will make mistakes, and so will you. There are no perfect parents, no perfect children, and no prefect families. But there are families who live in the embrace of great love, where everyone thrives. The only way to create that kind of family is to make daily choices that take you in that direction. It's not magic, just the hard work of course correction to stay on the right path. But if you look for it, you can always find trailmarks and support to beckon you onward to a more rewarding life. Just keep taking positive steps. Before you know it, you'll find your self in a whole new landscape.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Holiday Survival Guide
Disrupted schedules, traveling with little ones, the crash and burn from all the excitement -- Holidays can easily be a recipe for tears and tantrums. How can parents manage life during the holidays to maximize the joy and minimize the tears? Here, our top ten tips for creating a season of meaning and wonderful memories for yourself and your kids.
1. Keep to your usual schedule as much as possible. Kids need the security of familiar routines. They’re stressed by unfamiliar events and what feels to them like chaotic unpredictability. Do what you can to keep them on schedule and be patient when they get hyped-up or irritable.
2. Give kids plenty of warning about travel and upcoming events so they feel less pushed around and taken by surprise. At the beginning of the holidays, you might use a calendar to show them what will happen each day. (“Then the day before Christmas we leave for Grandma’s, where you’ll get to play with all the cousins.”) Many kids love to make a little book, where each page represents a new day and they draw a picture of what will be happening. Sit down for a snuggle every morning and describe the day ahead.
3. Plan no more than one event per day. If you’re taking the kids to the Christmas pageant in the afternoon, don’t expect them to sit still for dinner at Grandma’s that night. If you’re visiting your inlaws, don’t plan the morning with the cousins and the afternoon at Aunt Betty’s. Kids need downtime, just to chill out, snuggle, and do whatever relaxes them. If they don’t get it, they can’t really be blamed for melting down when the over-stimulation gets to them.
4. Have age-appropriate expectations and plan accordingly. A four year old can’t be expected to sit quietly while you enjoy dinner at the home of your best friend from high school, for instance. If you’re doing a lot of visiting with adults, be sure the kids have something to occupy them. If they can read, buy them a new book for the occasion, one they can’t wait to get into. If they’re too young to stay absorbed in a book, bring a video tape. Be sure your schedule includes visits to the playground or other opportunities for the kids to get some fresh air and physical activity.
If you’re flying with kids, be sure to arrive early enough that they get to “run” a bit in the airport hallway after sitting still in the car and before sitting still on the plane. Special secret for painless flights: Bring small wrapped “presents” – books, treats, chapstick, puzzles, simple crafts – for each child. Kids can look forward to getting one as soon as they’ve buckled their seat belts, and several more whenever you need a distraction mid-flight. Be sure to bring bottles, sugar-free lollipops or something else to suck on during take-off and landing.
5. Coach your kids about the social behavior you expect. Role play with them in the car before you arrive, or make a game of it before you go. “What do you say when Aunt Susie gives you a present?” “What if you don’t like the present?” “What do you when Uncle Norman wants to hug you hello?” “What if you don’t like the dinner that’s served?” “When you want to leave the table, how do you ask?” “What will you do if the cousins start arguing?”
6. Watch your kids’ food intake in the midst of too many treats and hyped-up schedules. Many tantrums originate from hunger. And all parents recognize the sugar high that sends kids bouncing off walls and then crashing into tears. If necessary, speak with your parents in advance about limiting treats. And carry small protein-rich snacks with you so your child doesn’t have a melt-down while the adults are negotiating where to go to dinner.
7. Give kids the traditions they love, which offer an experience of security and wonder. Focus on traditions that connect your family, such as telling your holiday story around the fire (or a table-full of candles), stringing popcorn for your tree, playing dreidel, or singing holiday songs togethe r. Be sure to include a tradition that gives your child the opportunity to feel good as a giver (buying and wrapping a book to donate, making a present for Grandma).
8. Don’t torture yourself and your kids by dragging them with you when you go shopping. You might be able to create a positive experience for yourself without them, but that’s almost impossible to do with them in tow. Trade off with a friend to watch all the kids while the other shops. (Too stressful to have all those kids underfoot? This is a great opportunity to launch a holiday tradition by watching Miracle on 34th Street!) Or limit yourself to buying online. Better yet, forgo most presents and make cookies with your kids instead for anyone you want to gift.
9. If you go on vacation, be sure it recharges and reconnects your family. Some of us look forward to the kids’ school vacations as a chance to leave town in search of warm weather or winter sports. That can give you plenty of chances for family connection, especially if you forgo organized evenings in favor of family board games. What you want to avoid, of course, is racing around before you leave, getting stressed out by a busy trip, and returning home in need of a vacation. Kids tend to get cranky and stressed with travel and schedule changes, so plan to do less, rather than more.
10. The most important tip, as always in parenting, is to manage yourself so you can stay calm. Remember that the holidays are stressful for kids, and your kids depend on you not only to regulate their environment, but also to help them regulate their moods.
If you’re out of balance, you won’t be able to help your kids stay on an even keel. In fact, if you’re anxious about everything you have to get done, your children will almost certainly begin to act out.
Your kids don’t need a magazine-spread holiday. They need you, in a good mood, living the spirit of the season and spreading love and good cheer. Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong, and be sure your own expectations of the season are reasonable. (What makes you think your difficult relative will suddenly be less difficult this year?!) Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Make sure you nurture yourself and stay in balance. The minute your mood veers from loving to frenzied, STOP. Hug your children and regroup. And at New Years, pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself on a job well done, not just in December, but all year long.
Dr. Laura Markham copywrite - https://yps1.worldsecuresystems.com/
Happy Holidays from ChildSharing.com
Disrupted schedules, traveling with little ones, the crash and burn from all the excitement -- Holidays can easily be a recipe for tears and tantrums. How can parents manage life during the holidays to maximize the joy and minimize the tears? Here, our top ten tips for creating a season of meaning and wonderful memories for yourself and your kids.
1. Keep to your usual schedule as much as possible. Kids need the security of familiar routines. They’re stressed by unfamiliar events and what feels to them like chaotic unpredictability. Do what you can to keep them on schedule and be patient when they get hyped-up or irritable.
2. Give kids plenty of warning about travel and upcoming events so they feel less pushed around and taken by surprise. At the beginning of the holidays, you might use a calendar to show them what will happen each day. (“Then the day before Christmas we leave for Grandma’s, where you’ll get to play with all the cousins.”) Many kids love to make a little book, where each page represents a new day and they draw a picture of what will be happening. Sit down for a snuggle every morning and describe the day ahead.
3. Plan no more than one event per day. If you’re taking the kids to the Christmas pageant in the afternoon, don’t expect them to sit still for dinner at Grandma’s that night. If you’re visiting your inlaws, don’t plan the morning with the cousins and the afternoon at Aunt Betty’s. Kids need downtime, just to chill out, snuggle, and do whatever relaxes them. If they don’t get it, they can’t really be blamed for melting down when the over-stimulation gets to them.
4. Have age-appropriate expectations and plan accordingly. A four year old can’t be expected to sit quietly while you enjoy dinner at the home of your best friend from high school, for instance. If you’re doing a lot of visiting with adults, be sure the kids have something to occupy them. If they can read, buy them a new book for the occasion, one they can’t wait to get into. If they’re too young to stay absorbed in a book, bring a video tape. Be sure your schedule includes visits to the playground or other opportunities for the kids to get some fresh air and physical activity.
If you’re flying with kids, be sure to arrive early enough that they get to “run” a bit in the airport hallway after sitting still in the car and before sitting still on the plane. Special secret for painless flights: Bring small wrapped “presents” – books, treats, chapstick, puzzles, simple crafts – for each child. Kids can look forward to getting one as soon as they’ve buckled their seat belts, and several more whenever you need a distraction mid-flight. Be sure to bring bottles, sugar-free lollipops or something else to suck on during take-off and landing.
5. Coach your kids about the social behavior you expect. Role play with them in the car before you arrive, or make a game of it before you go. “What do you say when Aunt Susie gives you a present?” “What if you don’t like the present?” “What do you when Uncle Norman wants to hug you hello?” “What if you don’t like the dinner that’s served?” “When you want to leave the table, how do you ask?” “What will you do if the cousins start arguing?”
6. Watch your kids’ food intake in the midst of too many treats and hyped-up schedules. Many tantrums originate from hunger. And all parents recognize the sugar high that sends kids bouncing off walls and then crashing into tears. If necessary, speak with your parents in advance about limiting treats. And carry small protein-rich snacks with you so your child doesn’t have a melt-down while the adults are negotiating where to go to dinner.
7. Give kids the traditions they love, which offer an experience of security and wonder. Focus on traditions that connect your family, such as telling your holiday story around the fire (or a table-full of candles), stringing popcorn for your tree, playing dreidel, or singing holiday songs togethe r. Be sure to include a tradition that gives your child the opportunity to feel good as a giver (buying and wrapping a book to donate, making a present for Grandma).
8. Don’t torture yourself and your kids by dragging them with you when you go shopping. You might be able to create a positive experience for yourself without them, but that’s almost impossible to do with them in tow. Trade off with a friend to watch all the kids while the other shops. (Too stressful to have all those kids underfoot? This is a great opportunity to launch a holiday tradition by watching Miracle on 34th Street!) Or limit yourself to buying online. Better yet, forgo most presents and make cookies with your kids instead for anyone you want to gift.
9. If you go on vacation, be sure it recharges and reconnects your family. Some of us look forward to the kids’ school vacations as a chance to leave town in search of warm weather or winter sports. That can give you plenty of chances for family connection, especially if you forgo organized evenings in favor of family board games. What you want to avoid, of course, is racing around before you leave, getting stressed out by a busy trip, and returning home in need of a vacation. Kids tend to get cranky and stressed with travel and schedule changes, so plan to do less, rather than more.
10. The most important tip, as always in parenting, is to manage yourself so you can stay calm. Remember that the holidays are stressful for kids, and your kids depend on you not only to regulate their environment, but also to help them regulate their moods.
If you’re out of balance, you won’t be able to help your kids stay on an even keel. In fact, if you’re anxious about everything you have to get done, your children will almost certainly begin to act out.
Your kids don’t need a magazine-spread holiday. They need you, in a good mood, living the spirit of the season and spreading love and good cheer. Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong, and be sure your own expectations of the season are reasonable. (What makes you think your difficult relative will suddenly be less difficult this year?!) Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Make sure you nurture yourself and stay in balance. The minute your mood veers from loving to frenzied, STOP. Hug your children and regroup. And at New Years, pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself on a job well done, not just in December, but all year long.
Dr. Laura Markham copywrite - https://yps1.worldsecuresystems.com/
Happy Holidays from ChildSharing.com
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