Is Your Discipline Raising the Child You Want?

What kind of kid do you want to raise? Happy, responsible, considerate, respectful, honest -- whether 6 or 16? Your chances of that go way up if you never punish your child. That means no spanking, no timeouts, no yelling, no contrived consequences. Really. No punishment.

The dirty little secret about punishment is that it doesn't help kids learn to behave. Studies show that ALL punishment makes kids feel worse about themselves and act worse. If punishment helped kids become more self disciplined and behave better, you'd only have to do it once.

Punishment is also associated with lying. Kids who aren't punished don't lie to their parents, because they don't need to -- and the relationship is too important to them.

So why do we punish? We think we should. It alleviates our own frustration. It makes us feel less powerless. We're afraid we don't have any other way to coax good behavior out of our kids.

But children who are guided (which is what the word discipline means) and treated respectfully are better behaved and happier. Yes, of course, there are expectations for behavior. But no need to punish. These kids WANT to behave.

So how can you help kids behave without punishment?

1. Lead by loving example. That means doing whatever you need to so you can manage your own unruly emotions and speak respectfully to your child.

2. Stay connected, even while you guide, so your child wants to please you. When they feel they can't please us, kids harden their hearts to us. So by all means set limits, but set them with empathy: “You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit. Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel."

4. Address the needs that are motivating the misbehavior. All human behavior springs from the attempt to meet a legitimate need. Address the need and you change the behavior.

5. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us. If your child ignores your guidance, it means your relationship isn't strong enough to support the teaching. Back off and focus on rebuilding a close connection.

6. Redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“We don't throw balls in the house. You can throw the ball outside”)....

A recent newsletter included the article "10 Commitments You Can Make to Become a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!" A number of readers wrote asking me to cover each of these commitments in more detail, which we've been doing in the Daily Inspirations. The article above is Commitment #7.