How Your Sadness Affects Your Kids After the Divorce

How Your Sadness Affects Your Kids After the Divorce
The following article was written by Alyssa Johnson, a remarriage and step family relationship coach. She focuses on an important area that all parents must be aware of - how your children perceive and interpret your feelings. Please heed her advice!
Divorce is one of the biggest life changes one can experience. Everyone's reactions to it are different all the way from mild to extreme. While it's important not to ignore those reactions, they also have to be balanced with all of the other life expectations that you have. Unfortunately, I see this lack of balance happen a lot. The most common expectation area to be dropped is parenting.
You don't stop parenting when you get a divorce. Yes, you may be grieving - but so are your children. Your entire life may have been turned upside down - but so has your children's. It's very common for children of divorce to misunderstand their parent's grief as rejection. They see their parents not functioning like they used to - not able to be there from them emotionally because emotionally they are hurting. Children usually are not sophisticated enough to understand the depths of feelings that their parents are experiencing. They easily get that you are sad, or angry or upset, but they don't understand how that may translate into not feeling like making dinner or having the patience to sit down and play a game.
Rather than making the connection - "Oh, dad's upset about the divorce" they tend to wonder, "Why isn't dad spending time with me anymore? What have I done?" While I know this is not your intention, it's important to be aware of this common misconception. There are a few ways of alleviating that though:
1. Be upfront with your kids - Tell them "Mommy's sad right now. You haven't done anything. I'm trying to feel better."
2. Try to do something - Maybe you're not up for going to the park to play, but could you just sit on the couch and cuddle with your kids?
3. Use time apart wisely - While strong emotions may be bubbling at the surface all the time, you don't have to express them every moment. If you need to cry, try to do the heaviest crying when the kids are not around you. If you need to rage, do this around adult friends when the kids aren't there.
4. Seek some support - If all of these suggestions still seem beyond you, I'd encourage you to look for a good counselor to help you through this grief process. Your kids need you. They may be hurting just as much as you.
Thank you Alyssa for sharing your wisdom on this sensitive topic. You can learn more about Alyssa Johnson at http://www.RemarriageSuccess.com and http://www.RemarriageCommunity.com.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© 2009 All rights reserve. Rosalind Sedacca

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