Child-Centered Divorce: Is there a "gift" in your divorce? Is there a "gift" in your divorce? Find it and you will flourish!

Child-Centered Divorce: Is there a "gift" in your divorce?
Is there a "gift" in your divorce? Find it and you will flourish!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

When we are in the midst of life trauma it is very difficult to
experience anything but the pain, disappointment, hurt and anguish
related to that experience. That's only natural. But very often,
looking back in hindsight, we can find meaning, relevance, valuable
lessons and insights that were the direct result of those major
life challenges. Without that life-altering event we would not
become the successes we are today.

Many people look upon that result as the "gift" they received from
the experience - the wisdom they gleaned, the turning point they
needed to move on to a new chapter in their lives. They look back
and can say the lesson was tough, but they don't regret it in the
least.

I believe divorce can be looked upon as one of those "gifts" and
life lessons if we choose to look for the reward. What did you
learn as a result of this experience? Who are you today that you
would not have been had you not divorced? Do you see inner wisdom
or strength that makes you proud? Have you made decisions that are
more supportive of your life and values? Do you like yourself
better? Have you found new career directions or new meaning in life
as a direct result of your divorce?

If you can't yet answer yes to any of these questions, give
yourself time. Perhaps you have not fully moved through the inner
and outer transitions resulting from your divorce. Perhaps you are
still holding on to resentment, anger, jealousy or other negative
emotions that are keeping you from experiencing the freedom from
old programming and patterns.

I believe there is a gift in every tough experience in our lives -
if we choose to see it. And why shouldn't we put our energy in that
direction? What good does it do to hold on to a past that has
slipped away - or to people who are not giving us the love and
support we deserve? When we let go of the past, we open the door to
a new future - and only then can we empower ourselves to create
that future as a much better outcome for ourselves and those we love.

Shelley Stile is a professionally trained Life Coach
(http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=L30NJb5mNUZMxH&b=DV5U6GqGCUheWTql2nqIBQ) specializing in divorce issues.
She has written about this topic and her advice is worth sharing
with you:

"Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are
(warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has
survived divorce and has gone on to create a vibrant life based
upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you
that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That
may not be true for you but there is a gift waiting for you to
find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career
and to a certain extent he has played a part. Oftentimes it takes a
good whack on the head to awaken us to life's possibilities and our
own happiness.

It's the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true.
Search for the gifts of your divorce and it becomes yet another
step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of divorce.

Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower,
the work that has taken place underneath the surface of the ground,
invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that
subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the
flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root
system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you will
ultimately see the outer rewards."

Don't be afraid to go within and plant the seeds for the tomorrow
you dream about. With love, patience and gratitude I know your
garden will ultimately grow and flourish!

* * * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for
customizing a personal family storybook that guides children
through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more
information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine
visit http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=L30NJb5mNUZMxH&b=ph_0ZOqrnZDnB6znFwjg5Q.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

Child-Centered Divorce: 3 Big Lies Women Believe about Divorced Dads Three big lies women believe about divorced Dads.

Child-Centered Divorce: 3 Big Lies Women Believe about Divorced Dads
Three big lies women believe about divorced Dads.
Do you know the truth?

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Many children grow up as adults and find they are duped into
believing negative things about one parent or another as a
consequence of a divorce. Our society, legal system and gender
biases all play a role in creating negative stereotypes connected
to divorced women and men. Men are especially liable to some
sweeping generalizations regarding post-divorce behaviors. Whether
they are based on anecdotal stories passed among family members,
popular movies or sensational celebrity headlines in recent years,
men are often portrayed as the aggressors and winners when it comes
to divorce. Here are some common mistruths that deserve clarity and
further exploration.

1. The husband usually initiates the divorce.

In today's culture women are finally free - both emotionally and
economically - to take the reigns and ask for a divorce. They may
feel unfulfilled or unappreciated in their marriage, emotionally or
physically abused, exploited or disrespected. They may discover
that their husband has been unfaithful - or they themselves may
have entered into sexual affairs as an outlet for frustration or a
variety of incompatibilities. Regardless of the cause, men are not
the exclusive initiators of divorce and should not bear the blame
as a gender. Often it is the husband who is the last to know that
his wife wants out.

2. Most divorced fathers do not make their child support payments.

While some fathers abuse their responsibilities in this regard -
and the courts are filled with such cases - the majority of
divorced Dads feel deeply concerned about the well-being of their
children and want to support their families in every possible way.
They also want to remain actively involved in their children's
lives. Like Moms, Dads love their children and are hurt if the
connections with them are cut off. This is especially painful if a
vindictive mother is trying to get back at Dad through the kids. In
these cases it's the children who are ultimately hurt the most.
Another related untruth is that most fathers are far better off
financially after a divorce. As in all things, it depends on the
parties and circumstances involved.

3. Only rarely does a mother try to keep the father from seeing his
children.

Unfortunately this is more common than most people believe. In
recent years the situation has been given a name and is finally
being recognized as an injustice to children of divorce. Parental
Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a problem initiated by both genders.
However, more women use this emotional and psychological weapon
against their former husbands because they can. What they don't
understand is that they are deeply wounding their children through
this alienation and ultimately, when the kids are grown, quite
often they are resentful at the parent that created the separation.
No good can come from this tactic for anyone in the family.
Regardless of how angry and upset you might be at your ex, do not
use the children as pawns or punishment to derive your own
satisfaction.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author How Do I Tell the Kids ... about
the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children
-- with Love! The new ebook provides expert advice that helps
parents create a unique personal family storybook with
fill-in-the-blank templates.

Wishing you much joy and happiness through the holidays and throughout the New Year ahead!

Wishing you much joy and happiness
through the holidays and throughout
the New Year ahead!

Most sincerely,
Rosalind Sedacca
The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce

If you're facing the challenge of being alone in the days ahead I hope this message will be a source of hope and inspiration for reframing your perspectives.

Being Alone During the Holidays Can Be Tough For Divorced Parents

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

One of the saddest consequences of divorce for parents is the alone-time when your children are visiting their other parent. While short-term periods when the kids are away can be a welcome respite for an overscheduled single parent, for other parents the intervals between seeing the children can be long and lonely. The holiday season can be a particularly challenging time, especially when friends and neighbors are busy with their own family gatherings.

It's really important for parents who are alone during the winter holidays to get creative and absorbed in activities that you find personally fulfilling. This can also be an opportunity to reflect on meeting your own needs and finding friends and activities that bring joy into your life.

One of the greatest challenges for divorced parents is avoiding self-pity. Overwhelmed by a sense of isolation, or feeling undervalued as a parent, can often result in making poor choices when communicating with your children. It's not difficult to bury your hurt in comments designed to make your children feel guilty about not being with you, despite the fact that most times those decisions are not really within their control.

Turning toward your support group of friends can be really helpful when these feelings arise. Seeking out a counselor or divorce coach can also provide advice and new resources for creating alternative holiday traditions.

Here are some other ways you can stay in the lives of your children despite the distance between you.

• Create a Journal of holiday activities that you can later share with the kids. This might take the form of a travelogue of places you've explored, people you've visited, movies you saw and other activities participated in. You can even bring home a souvenir from each place as something to show and talk about with the kids on their next visit, such as paper restaurant menus, movie ticket stubs, tee shirts, colorful brochures, post-cards, hats, pens, etc.
• Send an email or text message "of the day" to the kids with a theme: such as the Staying Warm Tip of the Day, favorite Candy Bar of the Day, Sledding Tip of the Day, Favorite Frozen Yogurt Flavor of the Day - just to keep in touch.
• Join a toy or food distribution drive over the holidays to help needy children in your community so you feel valued while interacting with and bringing joy to other children
• Make plans to see the same movie as your kids on the same day and then schedule a call to discuss the movie together and share the experience in your own way

Be creative. Think out of the box in healthy ways and your children will appreciate you without guilt, sadness or shame. This is one of the greatest gifts any parent can give to their children - the gift of enjoying their childhood without the burden of parental divorce issues weighing them down.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca

Domestic Violence Dramatically Influences Children - Emotional Abuse, too!

Domestic Violence Dramatically Influences Children - Emotional Abuse, too!
John Lindenberger, a reporter for the North Platte Telegraph in Nebraska, has a sad tale to tell.
It's based on a very sobering message: When children are exposed to domestic violence in the home, they often mimic the behavior they see.

In a nutshell, writes Lindenberger, "This means the boys often grow up to become abusers, and the girls grow up to marry them."

He quotes Jeanie Gilbert, executive director of the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program in North Platte who has been working with victims of domestic violence for 12 years. "Domestic violence is a learned behavior," says Gilbert. She explains that "children in these situations become desensitized to the violence, and they often begin to mimic their gender role at a young age." While this is not always the case, she said it is true the majority of the time.

This article was written as a result of a murder trial in the region. Lindenberger notes that the accused was characterized as a teenager locked into a cycle of abuse who saw her mother battered by two men and later became involved in an abusive relationship herself with a man.

The reporter notes that "in the 2003-04 fiscal year, nearly 2,400 children and youth came to Nebraska's network of domestic violence and sexual assault programs. More than 1,300 stayed in a shelter with their mothers to escape violence in the home." It is very likely that similar statistics are a reality in municipalities throughout the United States and other nations around the world.

According to Gilbert, when children witness domestic violence happening in their home, they experience a wide range of emotions, including fear. She said the children become afraid for their mother as well as themselves.

Lindenberger' article goes on to explain that "This fear can become crippling and leave a child with feelings of helplessness and despair." In addition, according to Gilbert, children often feel guilty and perhaps even responsible for the violence.

"Any child, even in divorce, will take on some of the responsibility," Gilbert added.

To avoid their feelings of helplessness, Gilbert said children will often retreat. She noted they sometimes try to hide when the violence occurs or listen to music so they don't have to listen to the fighting.

Children who live with domestic violence also have trouble in school, notes Gilbert. Although school feels like a safe place for these children, they become distracted as they worry about their mother.

Gilbert said domestic violence is not always physical. Verbal or emotional abuse in a relationship can be just as bad. In fact, victims often tell Gilbert that emotional abuse is worse than physical.

In order to break the cycle of domestic violence, children often need lots of counseling and exposure to positive role models. Gilbert said these children need to learn what a positive relationship looks like.

In some cases, children are able to break the cycle on their own when they become adults. However, most need some type of help. Gilbert notes that they can get that help through facilities like the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program of North Platte which offers a 24-hour crisis phone line, emergency shelter and support groups for women and children.

If you are in any way being affected by domestic violence or emotional abuse, don't hesitate to seek out help within your community. And be sure to make counseling available to your children, as well. The sooner you get a handle on this type of dysfunctional behavior within your family structure, the better for both you and your children. Help is out there. You can start by doing a community search on the Internet under the keywords, Domestic Violence or Domestic Abuse.

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All Rights Reserved


8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Child-Centered Divorce: Significant Advice from Noted Attorney

Child-Centered Divorce: Significant Advice from Noted Attorney
Significant Advice from Karen Covy, author of "When Happily Ever
After Ends: How to Survive Your Divorce- Emotionally, Financially
and Legally"

Think that hiring a high-profile divorce lawyer is the best way to
get through the process? Chicago author and family attorney Karen
Covy takes the global view about the necessary ingredients to get
you through your divorce with the least amount of damage, for now
and in the future:
· Karma (what goes around comes around);
· Taking responsibility for yourself and your divorce
· Control (controlling your own emotions and not trying to
control your spouse)
· Using common sense in a divorce proceeding: What is best for
the kids? (caring negotiating regarding the holidays and
visitation in a divorce situation).

Karen shares her advice with ...

Ten Things You Should Never Do in Your Divorce -- some of which may
surprise you!

1. Never put your children in the middle of your divorce. It is not
your children's job to relay messages to your spouse, drop off your
child support check, or deal with your spouse simply because you
don't want to do it yourself.

2. Never do anything that will harm your children's relationship
with your spouse. Children love their parents. Bad-mouthing your
spouse, treating your spouse badly in front of the children or
purposely doing things to screw up your spouse's time with the
children doesn't just hurt your spouse. It hurts your kids. Don't
do it.

3. Never purposely destroy your property or your spouse's property
during the divorce. You might think you will feel better if you
slice up your spouse' clothing, destroy your spouse's family
photos, or ruin whatever it is that your spouse holds dear, but you
won't feel nearly as good about it when the judge in your case
orders you to pay for the things you destroyed.

4. Never purposely do anything just to inflict pain on your spouse.
In the heat of the moment you might think that making your spouse
miserable will make you feel better. For a short time, maybe it
even will. But what goes around, comes around. If you do something
mean and terrible to your spouse, just to make your spouse
miserable, someday, somehow, it will come back to you.

5. Never cancel your spouse's health insurance. If your spouse gets
hit by a truck while you're still married, who do you think is
going to be responsible for paying the bill? (Hint: It's not going
to be your spouse.)

6. Never quit your job just so you don't have to pay child support,
or so that your spouse has to pay to support you. Again, it sounds
good in theory, but don't be surprised if a judge isn't sympathetic
to your situation and orders you to go back to work and to pay your
spouse what you should have been paying in child support all along,
or refuses to order your spouse to pay to support you when you are
perfectly capable of supporting yourself.

7. Never take your children and move out of state, vacation out of
the country, or simply run away with them, without telling your
spouse. If you know your spouse (or your ex-spouse) is going to
object to your moving to Alaska with the children, don't think that
you can do it anyway, and as long as your spouse doesn't stop you
in advance, you'll get away with it. The quickest way to lose
custody of your children is to deprive your spouse of time with them.

8. Never stalk your spouse, break into your ex's house, or tamper
with the mail. A crime is a crime. If you commit a crime, you are
going to jail. There is no such thing as a "not guilty by reason of
insanity due to a divorce" defense.

9. Never intentionally blow off a court order. Your spouse might be
willing to put up with your excuses, avoidance activities, and bad
behavior, but a judge won't be so forgiving. If the judge has
ordered you to do something: do it. If you don't like the judge's
order, talk to your lawyer about finding a way to change it. But,
whatever you do, don't just blow off the court order because you
don't agree with what it says.

10. Never be afraid to let your spouse take credit for what you've
done. If you are married to the kind of spouse who needs to be in
control -- someone who needs to be "right" or needs to be a big
shot, and you come up with a way to settle your case, but your
spouse won't buy it because its your idea, then let your spouse
think the settlement was his or her idea. As long as you've got a
settlement that works, one in which your needs, and your children's
needs are being met, who cares who created that settlement? What's
important is getting what you need. Getting credit for getting what
you need doesn't matter.

Karen A. Covy, J.D., received her law degree magna cum laude from
the University of Notre Dame Law School. Since opening her own
Chicago practice in 1995, Covy focuses on family law, including
divorce, custody and parenting. Covy dedicates herself -- and her
practice -- to helping hundreds survive divorce and walk away with
grace.
* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for
customizing a personal family storybook that guides children
through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free
articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free
ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Should Divorced Dads Get Equal Custody? Let the Battle Begin ...

Should Divorced Dads Get Equal Custody? Let the Battle Begin ...
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

More than ever before, divorce is making news. Much of it is due to changing legislation in many nations and several states within the U.S. regarding issues such as custody. In the past five years there have also been major shifts in our perceptions about divorce and the emergence of new alternatives that can simplify and reduce the time and cost involved in divorce proceedings. Consequently society is talking more and caring more about divorce than ever before in history.

This, I believe, is very good because with discussion comes awareness of the many complex challenges that surround divorce. This includes the many weaknesses and inequities in our divorce-related legal systems and the long-term consequences of poor decision-making as couples attempt to transition through the divorce maze.
Parade Magazine, a large publication that comes with Sunday newspaper supplements in many large cities around the U.S., sponsored a national poll. The question they asked was this: Should divorced dads get equal custody?

63% of their responses were YES and 37% were NO. Here are some quotes reflective of the responses.

On the YES side were comments such as "Just as women should get equal pay, dads should get equal custody. The 14th Amendment requires that people be treated equally, regardless of sex." Another YES response was "Children are more likely to thrive if they have access to both parents."

On the NO side was this comment, "It's too stressful for kids to be split between two homes. They need a constant, stable environment." Another NO quote said, "Each parent should maintain the role he or she had before the divorce. Usually, that means more time with Mom."

I wish there was a simple YES or NO answer to this question, but in my opinion, there isn't. Every family and every situation is unique. Trying to make such an enormously complicated issue as custody into a black and white/right or wrong answer is absurd. Now is the time to heighten our awareness about the enormous emotional and psychological effects of all custody decisions upon our children - not come up with simplistic one-size-fits-all legislation.

It's impossible to compare two families with different numbers of children of different ages and sexes living in different parts of any nation. Then add to the mix parents with different levels of emotional and educational involvement with their children, differing cultural and spiritual philosophies, and different levels of career commitment, financial security and child-care support. What you get is infinite diversity with no two families ever being quite the same.

Should divorced dads get equal custody of their children? Absolutely YES - when the right conditions are in place for the best interest of those children. And definitely NO - when the well-being of the children and their future is at risk. Who should decide? Sincere, loving parents along with the most caring, compassionate professionals they can access. These professionals must understand divorce dynamics to help create the best possible outcome for every one in the family - but especially the kids!

I always suggest divorce mediators as an excellent resource. Therapists who specialize in divorce and family counseling can also be very effective in contributing to your divorce team. Experienced Certified Divorce Coaches can offer valuable insights. Divorce Financial Analysts may also play an integral part in your peaceful resolution. Collaborative divorce attorneys who are comfortable working with these professionals can keep you on track for the purpose of creating a positive win-win resolution.

Take your parenting responsibility seriously! If you let your heart and head, but not your ego, lead you in making these crucial decisions you will honor your children and give them the best possible future in the years and decades to come. That is what I wish for every child touched by divorce!

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com


8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Being Alone During the Holidays Can Be Tough For Divorced Parents

Being Alone During the Holidays Can Be Tough For Divorced Parents

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

One of the saddest consequences of divorce for parents is the alone-time when your children are visiting their other parent. While short-term periods when the kids are away can be a welcome respite for an over-scheduled single parent, for other parents the intervals between seeing the children can be long and lonely. The holiday season can be a particularly challenging time, especially when friends and neighbors are busy with their own family gatherings.

It's really important for parents who are alone during the winter holidays to get creative and absorbed in activities that you find personally fulfilling. This can also be an opportunity to reflect on meeting your own needs and finding friends and activities that bring joy into your life.

One of the greatest challenges for divorced parents is avoiding self-pity. Overwhelmed by a sense of isolation, or feeling undervalued as a parent, can often result in making poor choices when communicating with your children. It's not difficult to bury your hurt in comments designed to make your children feel guilty about not being with you, despite the fact that most times those decisions are not really within their control.

Turning toward your support group of friends can be really helpful when these feelings arise. Seeking out a counselor or divorce coach can also provide advice and new resources for creating alternative holiday traditions.

Here are some other ways you can stay in the lives of your children despite the distance between you.

• Create a Journal of holiday activities that you can later share with the kids. This might take the form of a travelogue of places you've explored, people you've visited, movies you saw and other activities participated in. You can even bring home a souvenir from each place as something to show and talk about with the kids on their next visit, such as paper restaurant menus, movie ticket stubs, tee shirts, colorful brochures, post-cards, hats, pens, etc.
• Send an email or text message "of the day" to the kids with a theme: such as the Staying Warm Tip of the Day, favorite Candy Bar of the Day, Sledding Tip of the Day, Favorite Frozen Yogurt Flavor of the Day - just to keep in touch.
• Join a toy or food distribution drive over the holidays to help needy children in your community so you feel valued while interacting with and bringing joy to other children
• Make plans to see the same movie as your kids on the same day and then schedule a call to discuss the movie together and share the experience in your own way

Be creative. Think out of the box in healthy ways and your children will appreciate you without guilt, sadness or shame. This is one of the greatest gifts any parent can give to their children - the gift of enjoying their childhood without the burden of parental divorce issues weighing them down.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca

Child-Centered Divorce: Bashing Your Ex is Bad News

Child-Centered Divorce: Bashing Your Ex is Bad News
Bashing Your Ex is Bad News for Your Children

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

We all do it from time to time. Make a sarcastic comment about our
ex, criticize something they did or didn't do, gesture or grimace
our faces when referring to our former spouse. When we do it in
front of, near or within hearing distance of our children, we set
ourselves up for a hornet's nest of problems.

We have all heard this, but it's easy to forget or let slide. It
hurts our children when they hear one of their parents put down the
other. This is so even if your child does not say anything about
it. With rare exceptions, children innately feel they are part of
both parents. They love them both even when that love isn't
returned to them in the same way.

When you put down their other parent your children are likely to
interpret it as a put-down of part of them. When both parents are
guilty of this behavior, it can create a sense of unworthiness and
low self-esteem. "Something's wrong with me" becomes the child's
unconscious belief.

I know it's challenging some times not to criticize your ex,
especially when you feel totally justified in doing so. Find a
friend or therapist to vent to. Don't do it around your children.
And, whenever possible, find some good things to say about their
other parent - or hold your tongue.

The lesson here is simple. Destructive comments about your ex can
impact your children in many negative ways. It creates anxiety and
insecurity. It raises their level of fear. It makes them question
how much they can trust you and your opinions - or trust
themselves. And it adds a level of unhappiness into their lives
that they do not need ... or deserve!

When you have a problem with your ex, take it directly to them -
and not to or through the children. Don't exploit a difficult
relationship, or difference of opinion with your ex, by
editorializing about him or her to the kids. It's easy to slip -
especially when your frustration level is mounting.
Listen to and monitor your comments to the children about their
other parent.

· Are you hearing yourself say: "Sounds like you picked that up
from your Dad/Mom."
· Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it
with "just like your father/mother."
· Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you
know making sure the kids get the negative judgment?
· Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your
ex with, "Yeah, but ..." and finish it with a downer?
· Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting
the other parent or liking something in their home?
· Do you throw around biting statements like "If Mom/Dad really
loved you ..."
· Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a
disagreement by saying "If you don't like it here, then go live
with your Mom/Dad?

It's easy to fall into these behavior patterns - and they can
effectively manipulate your children's behavior - for the
short-term. But in the long run you will be slowly eroding your
personal relationship with the children you love and alienating
their affection. This will bite you back in the years to come,
especially as your children move into and through their teens.

As a parent you want to raise children with a healthy sense of
self-worth. You want children who are trusting and trust-worthy ,,,
who are open to creating loving relationships in their lives. It's
not divorce per se that emotionally scars children. It's how you,
as a parent, model your behavior before, during and after your
divorce. If you model maturity, dignity and integrity whenever
challenges occur, that's what your children will see and the path
they will take in their own relationships. You can't make life
choices for them, but you sure can influence their choices and
perceptions about the world when they are young and vulnerable!

Minding your tongue around your children can be one of the most
difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. It is also one of
the behaviors that will reap the greatest rewards in the well-being
of your family. Don't let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate
remarks affect and harm your children. Keep a "conscious" diligence
on your commentary and your ex is more likely to follow suit, as
well. If he or she doesn't, your kids will naturally pick up on the
different energy and gravitate toward the parent taking the high
road. Ultimately that parent will win their respect and admiration.
Shouldn't that be you?

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

10 Simple Communication Strategies for Divorced Parents

10 Simple Communication Strategies for Divorced Parents
by Cindy Harari, Esq.
Cindy Harari, Esq. is my guest contributor this week. She offers valuable information about communicating with your ex that is effective and promotes healthy parenting relationships. My thanks for Cindy for her excellent advice. Rosalind Sedacca
One of many challenges faced by divorced parents is the dilemma of communicating with their child's other parent. Although the parents have decided to divorce and end their "personal" relationship, when children are involved, the dissolution of a marriage mirrors the end of a business relationship where the business partners (the parents) have produced a product or asset (the children) that remains after the termination of the business.
Even though the parents no longer wish to continue to "work together," they share the desire for their children (the priceless marital asset) to grow and thrive. Among other things, the success of the children requires divorced parents to communicate with each other about child-focused issues. So how do divorced parents communicate effectively about their children when they are angry or upset or would simply rather not speak with their child's other parent ever again? Read on...
1. Whenever possible, communicate in writing. Writing gives you the opportunity to clarify your thoughts and express yourself clearly. Also, in the event of a misunderstanding, everyone can go back and look at what is written. E-mails and faxes have the advantage of having a date and time embedded as well.
2. Stick to child-focused issues and keep your communication informative, not emotional.
3. Keep your communication clear. Use bullet points or numbers rather than paragraphs.
4. If an item requires a response, indicate when the response is necessary. Also state what action will be taken in the event the other parent does not respond. For example: Our son's class trip is on (date) and the cost is ($X). The permission slip is due on (date). Please let me know by (date) if this is OK with you. If I don't hear from you, I will sign the permission slip and you and I will split the cost.
5. Do not use your communication as an opportunity to re-hash your feelings about the subjects you are writing about. Remember - this is business communication about your children.
6. Divide your writing into sections such as "old business," "new business" and "FYI."
7. Respond to communication from your child's other parent as you would like to have them respond to you. Be prompt and businesslike.
8. Use e-mail (and all written communication) courteously. Do not write entirely in capital letters. Do not use boldface type. Do not use extremely large type. Do not use exclamation points. Stay away from sarcasm. No name-calling or bad language at any time.
9. Take the initiative so neither parent becomes the "communication liaison." Children's schools, day care providers, extracurricular activity providers, etc. should have contact information for both parents. Each parent should receive notices from these sources. If that is not happening, the parent who is not receiving the information can provide their contact information and get on the distribution list.
10. Look into online programs such as OurFamilyWizard and ShareKids for calendaring and communication. These programs are designed especially for divorced parents.
There is a time and a place for your emotional release regarding your divorce, but, at the same time, there is a need to conduct the business of raising your children with someone you would probably rather not talk to. So how do you find the strength to "take the high road" time after time and communicate calmly and effectively with your child's other parent?
Always remember that your child's wellbeing depends on what you do and how you do it. It takes work to compartmentalize your emotions and put the needs of your children first, but you can do it. You are not alone - there are many resources available for to help you grow through the divorce. Successful communication strategies are a great addition to your post-divorce parenting toolkit.
********************************************************
Cindy Harari, Esq. is an attorney, trained parenting coordinator, mediator, and arbitrator. Her professional training combined with years of practical experience gives Ms. Harari a unique perspective and distinctive insight regarding issues of divorce and parenting. For additional information, please visit www.solutionsnottalk.com. © 2008. Cindy Harari. All Rights Reserved.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Dads and Step-Dads: Keeping it all in Perspective

Dads and Step-Dads: Keeping it all in Perspective
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Being a divorced Dad can be one of the most frustrating experiences any parent will ever face. For many it seems like a can't-win situation. You find that you're constantly trying to prove yourself - to your ex, to the children, and often to a Step-Dad who has moved into the picture.
If Mom has custody of the children, it's more than likely that your children are seeing more of step-Dad than you. That can feel very disempowering and bring up all sorts of issues - not to mention jealousy. While it's understandable for any Dad to feel that way, it is also wise to get a handle on that jealousy ... for the sake of your children.
Think about it this way. When it comes to those children, both you and Step-Dad share a common interest, their well-being. For that reason finding a way to get along with Step-Dad, and show him some respect for his efforts on their behalf, can positively impact everyone in the family dynamic, especially your children. They don't want to see you angry, fighting, or putting down Mom or Step-Dad. The emotional upheaval this creates for your children complicates their lives, filling them with guilt, confusion and a lack of confidence when it comes to trusting new relationships..
Tom Wohlmut, President of Stepfamily Network, says "Men tend to be very competitive and territorial. But, when they're parenting the same child, they need to think about being on the same football team, not opposing teams." A supportive father will therefore help his children to not feel guilty for liking or supporting Step-Dad as he interacts in their lives.
In fact, says Wohlmut, you might want to ask yourself, "What is the one thing I can do to acknowledge the male father figure? Children need to understand there is only one Dad and one Mom and that will never, ever change. But, that doesn't mean the other male in their life doesn't have good qualities they can benefit from."
This, of course, is equally relevant if a new Step-Mom enters the picture on your side. The goal is to do whatever you can to keep your children from feeling conflicted or disloyal if they get along with their Step-Parents and find many of their qualities or areas of expertise to be appealing.
Children have a huge capacity to love as well as to learn from many influences in their lives. Don't force them to depend exclusively on you, especially if you're needing it as an ego boost. The real challenge is to continue to build, keep and maintain your relationship with your children - despite time intervals and distance - because of your love for them. You are fortunate when Step-Dad is a complementary figure in their lives who sincerely cares for them and strives to do his best.
No one ever said being a divorced Dad was easy. There are no guarantees regarding who a new Step-Dad will be either. But when you keep your perspective clearly focused on your children's emotional and psychological well-being, you'll be steered in the right direction for yourself and your children. And that's what it's all about, isn't it?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Tag Team Parenting Post-Divorce Tag Team Parenting

Child-Centered Divorce: Tag Team Parenting Post-Divorce
Tag Team Parenting
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=oJgVlM6nG0AcewfYONvieA
Works - Even Post Divorce

Guest author Mark Goulston

Children get mannerisms and attitudes from both parents but develop their inner calm and feeling of well being from how much their parents like, trust and respect each other.

Increasing research shows that a significant part of a child's mind and personality is influenced not by how their parents react to the child, but by how their parents respond to each other.

What becomes frustrating and at times demoralizing to children is not so much that mothers and fathers disagree or argue (as they inevitably will), but that parents continue to argue over the same things and never definitively resolve them once and for all.

When
children
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observe parents arguing without resolution they see emotion and reason locked in a "zero sum" fight instead of cooperating with each other. When they then internalize into their personality that emotion and reason cannot work together, their inner sense of calm and well-being is replaced by restlessness. It is as if at any moment their own emotion and reason are on the brink of doing battle in their mind reminiscent of what they observe between their parents. And this destroys inner calm and well being.

As the lack of cooperation between the emotion and reason in their observed world can create chaos in their life, the lack of cooperation between emotion and reason in their own mind can create flaws in their developing personalities.

The best example of how emotion and reason can work together between a mother and father utilizes "tag team parenting." This is when one parent being better at logical problem solving tells the child to go to the other for comforting if that is what the child seems to need. And conversely when the other parent who is better at emotional comforting tells the child to go speak to the other for help with solving a problem if what the child needs more is good advice.
* * *

Dr. Mark Goulston
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=bR6H.DjQNsiKa7SfLkR5bw
is a former UCLA professor who is frequently called upon to share his expertise with regard to contemporary business, national and world news by television, radio and print media including: Wall Street Journal,
Harvard Business Review
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=FJvjb2yZbzlMzkZ20nS5Hg
, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox/CNN/BBC News, Oprah, and Today. Mark Goulston is the author of
The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship,
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=OhADbGOFTcnM1FxlCNDQqw

Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior,
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=dtO2k0nHcFBdy.0OuVj8OQ

Get Out of Your Own Way at Work
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=vsf4XYuFmLXM.QSwnd9bJQ
and
PTSD for Dummies
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=LmAQmRm5rJBPpzfh1iHp3A
. For more information visit:
www.markgoulston.com.
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=gZR1beFwzA1Ug6fZptHDcA

- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=tPEy_kuBtvmnoKj898WxJQ

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Children of Divorce Embrace the Abuse They See

Children of Divorce Embrace the Abuse They See
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I came across an article by John Llindenberger, a reporter at the Nebraska newspaper, The North Platte Telegraph. The article refers to a local murder trial in which a teenage girl was locked into a cycle of abuse. She saw her mother battered by two men and later became involved in an abusive relationship with a teenage boy.
The following is Llindenberger's report, based on an interview with an expert in Domestic Abuse. While it's painful to read about this subject, keep it in mind as you think about what your own children see modeled in their lives - and how it will ultimately affect them. Feel free to pass this along to friends and family who may need a wake-up call.
When children are exposed to domestic violence in the home, they often mimic the behavior they see.
This means the boys often grow up to become abusers, and the girls grow up to marry them.

"Domestic violence is a learned behavior," said Jeanie Gilbert, who is executive director of the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program in North Platte, Nebraska. She has been working with victims of domestic violence for twelve years.

Gilbert said children in these situations become desensitized to the violence, and they often begin to mimic their gender role at a young age. While this is not always the case, she said it is true the majority of the time.

In the 2003-04 fiscal year, nearly 2,400 children and youth came to Nebraska's network of domestic violence and sexual assault programs. More than 1,300 stayed in a shelter with their mothers to escape violence in the home.

According to Gilbert, when children witness domestic violence happening in their home, they experience a wide range of emotions, including fear. She said the children become afraid for their mother as well as themselves.

This fear can become crippling and leave a child with feelings of helplessness and despair. In addition, Gilbert said children often feel guilty and perhaps even responsible for the violence.

"Any child, even in divorce, will take on some of the responsibility," she added.

To avoid their feelings of helplessness, Gilbert said children will often retreat. She noted they sometimes try to hide when the violence occurs or listen to music so they don't have to listen to the fighting.

Children who live with domestic violence also have trouble in school, according to Gilbert. Although school feels like a safe place for these children, they become distracted as they worry about their mother.

Gilbert said domestic violence is not always physical. Verbal or emotional abuse in a relationship can be just as bad. In fact, victims often tell Gilbert that emotional abuse is worse than physical.

In order to break the cycle of domestic violence, children often need lots of counseling and exposure to positive role models. Gilbert said these children need to learn what a positive relationship looks like.

In some cases, children are able to break the cycle on their own when they become adults. However, most need some type of help. They can get that help through classes and support groups offered at the Rape and Domestic Abuse Programs in their community.

If you are experiencing behavior problems with your children, or they are withdrawing emotionally from you, seek out help immediately. The sooner you take action to get the support of a parenting or mental health expert, the faster you can resolve the situation in a positive and mutually beneficial manner.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Family Photos Essential for Children of Divorce

Family Photos Essential for Children of Divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

I read a poignant comment on a blog recently written by a married mother of three. She was a child of divorce whose father moved out of the home when she was four. She talks about having very few pictures of herself as a child and only one of her mother and father together. Her grandfather found and gave her the photo just a few years ago. She framed it and has proudly displayed it in her home for her own children to see.
She explains how special that one photo of her with Mom and Dad is to her. It shows a little girl sitting happily on a lawn with her "real" family - before the divorce.
This woman grieves that she has no other photographs of her father and so few pictures of her childhood. She assumes that her mother hid or destroyed all other photos, "possibly to protect my stepparents' feelings" as she moved on into other chapters in her life.
She goes on to send a message to all divorced parents who are transitioning into blended families. She stresses the importance of keeping previous family photographs to give to your children at the appropriate time - and not throwing them away. She implores people who are marrying men or women with children to "be the grownup" and acknowledge that children of divorce have other relationships that are meaningful and important to them.
Having pictures, gifts and other reminders of the non-custodial parent is very important to your children. We must never forget the connection and allegiance children innately feel toward both of their parents. When one parent is dismissed, put down or disrespected by the other parent, a part of your child is hurt as a result. They also feel that a part of themselves is flawed which creates much internal confusion.
Allow your children to keep their connection with their other parent - and with their past, unless they choose otherwise. If you're a step-parent, don't try to replace the birth Mom or Dad. There is room in a child's heart to embrace and love you, as well, if you earn their trust and respect. You can't demand or force it.
The woman's blog post ends by asking us to imagine how we would feel if someone came into our family and discarded all the photos of Mom and Dad together. If we could just put ourselves into our children's shoes on a regular basis we would avoid so many errors in parenting, and so many psychological scars.
This woman speaks for millions of children of divorce and her message needs to be heard. It's also another validation for the concept of creating a family storybook when telling your children about the divorce. Showing the kids photos of the family together, during happier times in the past, reminds them that life moves in cycles and there will be good times ahead. It also shows them that they came from love and that love still exists for them - even if Mom and Dad are no longer living together.
My new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! provides fill-in-the-blank templates. This guides parents in creating a valuable storybook with family photos and history as a great resource tool that puts them in the right mind-set to break-the-news and move ahead with decisions in the best interest of their children. Even if you're long past the actual divorce, looking through family photo albums can spark conversation and sincere communication between you and your children.
Yes, it might bring up some tears and sadness, but talking about those feelings can be healing for everyone. You can also start new photo albums sharing happy times in the present so you can look back upon this chapter in your lives with smiles in the months and years to come. Isn't this what you want for your family?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.

Child-Centered Divorce: Single Parenting Classes an Anchor

Child-Centered Divorce: Single Parenting Classes an Anchor
Single Parenting Classes - an Anchor During and After Divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Going through a divorce and then finding yourself single and parenting on your own can be a daunting experience. How do you transition from parenting as a couple to solo parenting - or even co-parenting - when you are no longer cohabitating?

Fortunately there are many programs and classes being offered throughout the United States and in other nations dedicated to helping you find your own path to single parenting success.

Usually facilitated by experienced therapists, social workers, mediators or others trained in single parenting issues, these classes provide a wealth of knowledge and valuable resources. They also ask key questions that can assist you in the transition process.

Among the topics usually addressed are: What does it mean to be a single parent? How are children affected by divorce? What support systems are available for my family? How can I best ask for help?

Often the classes have a very low fee or are even free. Sometimes day-care for children under 12 is included - often with a kid's meal.

Not surprisingly a good portion of every class is focused on coping skills, learning to overcome grief, anger and other emotions, and managing stress. Considerable time is spent addressing how to communicate with your children so that they hear and respect you. Another important area of discussion is time management and creative ways to handle chores and other daily tasks in every parent's schedule. This might include after-school activities, integrating your work with parenting responsibilities, handling grocery shopping with the kids and finding trustworthy babysitters when you have to be away.

One of the most important discussions revolves around age-appropriate language for talking to your children about difficult subjects. How do you answer the tough questions that will inevitably come up in the weeks, months and years following your divorce? The way you handle these challenges - time-after-time - will determine the effect upon your children -- whether positive or negative. That's a huge responsibility! Learning the pitfalls to avoid and how to "frame" an answer will be extremely valuable to you as you navigate the ups and downs of parenting.

Another popular topic is your relationship with extended family - those on your side as well as your in-laws. Understanding the advantages of creating a child-centered divorce with your Ex will have a significant impact on your long-term relationship with your children.

Equally important is understanding your financial parameters -- and where to turn for dependable assistance with questions regarding child support or other legal issues, making career transitions and saving for your future.

Whether you are ready for it or not, it is wise to talk about dating issues and learn some of the challenges that are common for the solo and co-parent. Just when are you ready to venture out into the dating world? How do you start? What can you do to prepare before you have that first date?

For some, single parenting can be a lonely experience. Classes, courses and other group endeavors can provide a support network that is as valuable to you as the information being offered. Be open to making new friends and reaching out for support.

It's pivotal to remember that you are not alone. But you must take the initiative to seek out classes, therapy, coaching or other help right from the start. This will provide a short-cut to creating the future you desire for yourself and the children you love!

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Child-Centered Divorce: Debt After Divorce Warning

Child-Centered Divorce: Debt After Divorce Warning
Debt
after Divorce can Affect your Credit Score
By
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Divorced or not, we all understand the importance of having
a high Credit Score. Unfortunately, when Divorce Decrees are drawn up some
simple attorney errors or oversights can result in long-term negative affects
on your personal credit.

Divorce Decrees identify who is awarded what debt. It is
essential, therefore, that debts that came from joint accounts are only in the
person's name that is awarded that debt per the decree. In most cases the
decree is a simple agreement between divorcing couples. It does not separate liabilities - and that's where the problem
lies.

If, while you were married, your significant other had created some debt on
your joint accounts, both of you are affected. Each of your social security
numbers are attached to the obligations -- and all three credit bureaus have
this information.

When you decide to divorce, a Divorce Decree is not the best
way to handle this debt. The reasons become obvious when you explore a number
of likely possibilities. What if, a couple of years after the divorce, your ex decides
to be late on a debt obligation that is still reporting in your name? Imagine
what will happen to your credit score! It
can suddenly drop 150 points - and you may not even know it!

Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. And the problem is now
yours even though the debt was awarded to your ex.. What if it's a house at
stake and your former spouse decides to let it go to foreclosure? Are you aware
that you cannot buy a home for the next three years because of the foreclosure record
on your credit report?

Here's some sound advice offered by
Mike Clover of
www.creditscorequick.com
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=LNJIkMG0NUZMxH&b=mOixR8BBEl6d4pdHeWmq0g
.Clover insists that divorcing couples should never rely on the other
spouse to pay bills that were awarded to them per Decree. In essence, this is a
disaster waiting to happen. He says these issues must be tackled up front so you
are not vulnerable once the divorce is final.

If you are among those who have already made this mistake, it
is important that you go back to court to get those debts off of your name. If
a house is involved especially, get it refinanced out your name or sold,
depending on the situation. If your ex is behind on the mortgage you might want
to go back to court and take over the mortgage payment in return for having the
house awarded back to you.

Divorce is tough enough without having to deal with
financial crises in the months and years to follow. Be aware. Make sure you
don't have debts in your name that get awarded to your ex. Don't put him or her
in the position in which they can ruin your credit. If you are not sure about
your credit rating, get your current credit report with credit scores to make
sure there is no damage done. There are many resources on the internet for
accessing this information. Don't put it off!
* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How
Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to
Preparing Your Children -- with Love!
For more information, free
articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://
www.childcentereddivorce.com

Child-Centered Divorce: No Big Deal Part 2

Child-Centered Divorce: No Big Deal Part 2
Divorce and Parenting - For Some It's
No Big Deal!
Part 2
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

In her new book, It's No Big
Deal Really (published by Fusion Press --
www.fusionpress.co.uk
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=LX2npX30NUZMxH&b=hNo41np4EPJKpmnmYggBKw
), British author Anne Cantelo shares what she has learned through her experience with
divorce as a parent. She offers valuable advice for making post-divorce
parenting as smooth and effortless as possible. Most important of all, her
suggestions focus on your children's best interest so that they can move on
with their lives as children, without having to parent their parents through
emotional upheaval and tension.

Here are several of her insights worth integrating into your own tool box
of parenting dos.

Encourage your
children to enjoy the time they spend with your ex. That way they'll
feel comfortable, rather than disloyal, talking about it.
Don't try and
compete with your ex. Children quickly see through that. My daughter described
it as 'freaky when parents behave so childishly'. So no trying to
beat the ex on Christmas presents: your children will despise you, not
thank you for it.
Recognize
what's important to your children's lives and don't undervalue their need
for friends and out of school activities. Custodial arrangements
often ignore the needs of children to be children. Seeing friends is
critical, and missing key sports matches can be devastating and ostracizes
them from their team mates who they've let down (how do you feel when
you've had to let someone down?).
Recognize the
moral rights of children to love both of their parents. Your
arguments with your ex are not relevant unless there is a risk of abuse.
Mothers who succeeded in getting the father out of their children's lives
set themselves up for a very difficult time as single parents and their
children eventually hate them for stealing their father from
them.
Plan for the
future. Don't assume that you won't both find new partners and these
new partners often question your arrangements.
Don't assume
or expect your children to form attachments to step relations, but if they
do form, then treat those new relationships with the same respect as their
blood relatives. Boyfriends or girlfriends who've as acted as step parents
often suddenly disappear when Mom or Dad breaks up with them. Children can
find this as heartbreaking as losing a parent and makes them hold back
from forming emotional bonds in the future.
Live as close
as you can to each other. That way the children can always come
around for a cuddle when they need to. I promise that you won't be bumping
into each other all the time. In six years I never have, not once.
Finally don't assume that your older children will not
be as affected by your divorce. I found that the reverse was
true. Those who were in their 30s when their parents got divorced
appeared to suffer more and for longer than those who were young
children. They were the ones still seeing counselors up to five
years after the divorce.

No one ever
said it was easy to parent through and beyond divorce. But if this is your
challenge, why not approach it in a way that supports everyone in the family?
Honoring relationships, respecting your children's right to be attached to both
of their parents, taking the high road during conflicts and learning how to let
go when there are no other options are all ways to be a role model for your
children.

They will
thank you in the long term for this. I know my own son did when he grew up. And
there is no more gratifying words you can hear than, "Thank you, Mom, for getting
us all through the divorce on good terms. Not all of my friends have been that
fortunate."
* *
*

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar
facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about
the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with
Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a
personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult
transition with optimum results. For more information about the book,
Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit
http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

What's Your Co-Parenting Style -- Cooperative, Parallel or Somewhere In-Between?

What's Your Co-Parenting Style -- Cooperative, Parallel or Somewhere In-Between?

by Cindy Harari, Esq.

My Guest Author today is Cindy Harari, Esq. who offers a valuable perspective on how to handle day-to-day parenting decisions in the most beneficial manner for your family. She also asks key questions every parent should be able to answer to achieve harmonious co-parenting for years to come.

One of many difficult things parents must do after divorce is deal with their child(ren)'s other parent. While some aspects of "the deal" are spelled out in documents such as temporary or permanent court orders or final marital settlement agreements, most of the "parenting" details are not explicitly written down.

For example, a document provides that the child(ren) are to spend every Tuesday night and alternating weekends with Parent A. In most instances, an agreement will include times for pick up and/or drop off. In some cases, especially if there is a safety issue, the agreement will include a location for the child(ren) to be picked up and/or dropped off. So what's missing?

To begin with, the time(s) that may be appropriate for one child in the family may not be appropriate for another. Or the location for pick up and/or drop off for one child may not be appropriate for another. In some instances, the document may not specify which parent is responsible for driving the children to and/or from particular locations. Also, how are the child(ren)'s clothing and/or school supplies to be transported? On a particular weekend, one child may have a special event (sports, birthday party) or doctor's appointment that occurs during the weekend so parental decisions must be made and schedules may have to be accommodated. What about that birthday party for your child(ren)'s friend? Which parent buys the gift? What if the child(ren) are at Parent A's home but they need something that is located at Parent B's home? What if the child(ren) want to participate in an extracurricular activity that involves weekends? The possibilities are endless. But just as these scenarios may become conflicts, they are also opportunities for development of communication and problem-solving skills.

Parenting styles vary within households - even intact households where divorce is not an issue. Ask yourself the following questions to begin to assess your parenting style:

1. Are you more comfortable with structured communication procedures? Do you prefer to have precise rules about how and when you will communicate with your child(ren)'s other parent? (parallel parenting style) - or - Are you more comfortable with frequent communication? Do you prefer to have informal, regular exchanges of information with your child(ren)'s other parent? (cooperative parenting style)

2. Do you make decisions on your own regarding issues involving your children? (parallel style) -or - Do you participate in joint decision-making after discussion of issues? (cooperative style)

3. Do you have "house rules" that may be different from the way things are in the home of your child(ren)'s other parent? (parallel) - or - Do you and your child(ren)'s other parent agree about fundamental principles and have shared expectations regarding your child(ren)? (cooperative)

4. Are you able to be in the same place at the same time with your child(ren)'s other parent with some degree of comfort for yourself and your child(ren)? Can both parents attend school events, teacher conferences, etc. together? (cooperative) - or - Would you prefer to meet with teachers separately and take turns attending school and/or extracurricular events? (parallel)

5. Are you most comfortable when you stick to a set schedule, with little to no variation? (parallel) - or - Are you willing to be flexible regarding scheduling in the best interests of your child(ren)? (cooperative)

Although experts may advocate "cooperative" parenting for divorced parents, this may be quite difficult at times. When emotions are running high, even parents with the best intentions may have trouble communicating calmly with their child(ren)'s other parent. Sometimes a parent may deny a request about scheduling simply because they do not understand the child(ren)'s feelings about the schedule change. This makes sense since such requests are generally (and, depending on the child(ren)'s age(s)) made between one parent and the other. Negative personal feelings between the parents easily interfere with the best interests of their child(ren). It helps to have professional assistance to clarify the issues and re-focus on doing the right thing for the children. This isn't therapy - this is parenting coordination - an alternative dispute resolution process.

A Parenting Coordinator ("PC") is an alternative dispute resolution professional. The PC should have professional licensure in law or mental health, training in mediation, have a working knowledge of child and adolescent development and family systems, have specific training in parenting coordination and the ability to work within the framework of the alternative dispute resolution process. Parenting coordination is not therapy, it is not advocacy for one parent against the other, and it is not an evaluation procedure conducted regarding custody.

It is important to remember that divorce is a transformative process involving family members for an extended period of time - actually, forever. Even under the best of circumstances (whatever that means), parenting is challenging. Adding on factors related to divorce makes parenting even more challenging. Although it is useful for parenting plans in divorce agreements to be comprehensive and specific, it is virtually impossible for every detail to be addressed in a document. But that's actually a good thing. Why? Because children benefit as their divorced parents develop the ability to manage the details of parenting without conflict.

Do you really want to go to court and have a judge make decisions about your child(ren)? You know and love your child(ren). So does your child(ren)'s other parent. If the two of you have nothing else in common, you will always have your child(ren) in common. You may need help to develop practical, efficient techniques to communicate and make decisions, manage scheduling, set boundaries and clarify expectations. A Parenting Coordinator may be just the resource you need.

Child-Centered Divorce: Talking to Pre-teens

Child-Centered Divorce: Talking to Pre-teens
Talking to Pre-Teens about Divorce - Advice from M. Gary Neuman
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Your children's age plays a big part in how they will react to news about your divorce - as well as how they will adapt to the circumstances. No two children will respond in the same way, even if they are close in age, but professionals have found that certain emotions tend to be more prevalent at certain age groups.

Of course, divorce is not a time to compare your child with others to determine how appropriate their behavior seems to be. Your child's unique personality will play a big part in his or her response. However, there are certain tendencies that are more common at various ages. Wise parents learn what they can expect and so are not caught unprepared when their children act out or react negatively to the challenges of divorce.

M. Gary Neuman, a well-respected marriage and family therapist (seen on Oprah twice in 2007) is an expert on children's post-divorce behavior. He tells parents that children under the age of nine tend to respond to hurtful situations with sadness, but that's not necessarily the case for older children.

Anger and resentment are much more prevalent after age nine. "Anger gives a child experiencing divorce a sense of control," says Neuman. "Since it is a more assertive response than crying to mommy -- children between nine and twelve see anger as a grown-up way of handling their emotions."

"At this stage, kids usually also try to detach themselves from the family and may appear ambivalent about the divorce," he adds. "Don't be fooled. Both the anger and seeming lack of interest are defense mechanisms."

The pre-teen is at an awkward state of maturity which is beyond that of a little child, but not at the level of a teen. Their ability to understand emotions is still rather limited and consequently, their behavior can seem distant and unfeeling. According to Neuman, when you talk about divorce to your nine to twelve year old don't be surprised if they ...

See it in strict black-and-white terms and want to lay blame squarely on one of their parents.

View the divorce as a rejection of them personally.

Push you to treat them like an "adult," asking for detailed information about the failure of the relationship.

As with all children, pre-teens need to be reminded that you love them, that you will always still be their parents, that they will be safe and cared for and that you are working out the details so that everything will be okay.

When they ask why you are getting a divorce, you don't need to go into great depth. Talk about behaviors without blame or accusation.

"We didn't know how to stop arguing and walk away from a fight," is the type of language that Neuman suggests. If you can be honest with yourself and your children, here's another suggested way to frame your answer:

"We didn't listen to each other enough. You know how sometimes you want to say something so much you don't even hear what the other person is saying? That's how your mother/father and I got to be. We cared more about what we wanted to say and not enough about what the other person was saying."

When it comes to questions about the future, Neuman suggests an answer that reminds your children that both Mom and Dad still want to be in their lives as much as possible because we both still love you. "Then," says Neuman, "spell out custody and visitation arrangements as clearly and in as much detail as you can."

If you're not sure how to talk to your children about the divorce, seek out professional coaching, therapy, courses and books. My own book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! gives you fill-in-the-blank templates to make the process simple yet very effective.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Collaborative Divorce -- Robin Williams Sets a Good Example

Collaborative Divorce -- Robin Williams Sets a Good Example

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

We all know what poor role models celebrities can be when it comes to taking the moral high road. Divorce is an area that has offered too few examples of positive behavior, especially regarding issues affecting celebrity children. For this reason I am constantly seeking out those in the limelight who are, in fact, demonstrating positive alternatives because of their enormous influence in our culture.

Fortunately the world of divorce now has a new figure speaking out on the side of sanity and positive outcomes. The actor Robin Williams and his wife Marsha chose not to create a messy, expensive divorce battle in the courts, taking instead a responsible and respectful course of action for the sake of their children.

Even more impressive, Williams went public with his story on national TV shows, acknowledging his wife and emphasizing the importance of keeping it clean so that their children needn't suffer the consequences.

"I'm lucky... with someone like Marsha. We have amazing kids and it's not a slash and burn," said Williams when talking to Ellen DeGeneres. "I think a lot of times divorce can be like circumcision with a weed whacker," the comedian added, making a significant point in his own colorful style.

Here's the part that really deserves our attention - and recognition. The two made public their decision to create a written agreement outlining their goals and stating their intention to remain respectful of each other during the upcoming divorce proceedings.

Their agreement stated, "We will strive to be honest, cooperative and respectful as we work in this process to achieve the future well being of our families." Of special interest to me is the following statement in the agreement: "We commit ourselves to the collaborative law process and agree to seek a positive way to resolve our differences justly and equitably."

That means Robin and Marsha have chosen the Collaborative Divorce model which has received little media attention as an alternative to adversarial litigation. As a strong proponent of Child-Centered Divorce, I heartily endorse this decision and hope it will become an example for other couples facing divorce decisions when children are involved.

What makes a divorce "Collaborative"? In the simplest terms:

1. Attorneys and clients sign a written agreement to work toward settlement and not go to court.
2. Neutral experts are hired by the parties (financial, parenting, etc.) - no battle of the experts.
3. Parties agree to make a full and candid exchange of information - no hiding the ball.

Not every divorce case can be settled collaboratively, but if more couples were aware of this option and agreed to strive for the best interest of the entire family, how different long-term outcomes of divorce would be!

Robin and Marsha Williams had been married for 19 years and have two children together. No one wishes divorce upon any family, but the Williams' children are fortunate to have such caring, enlightened parents

Child-Centered Divorce: Working with Divorce Professionals Finding the Right Divorce Professionals

Child-Centered Divorce: Working with Divorce Professionals
Finding the Right Divorce Professionals

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Over the past six months, through marketing my new book, I have met a remarkable community of experts. Each of them has focused their careers on supporting and assisting people moving through and beyond divorce. Impressively, some are collaborative or child-centered attorneys. This special breed really cares about helping families avoid unnecessary litigation to save couples both money and sanity, especially when children are concerned.

Others are mediators devoted to assisting couples to move through the maze of decisions regarding divorce and come out on the other side with a win/win resolution. I've also met many very devoted Divorce Coaches who can guide you through every facet of the divorce process, answering questions and helping you determine the best outcome for your personal needs, especially post-divorce.

I'm always impressed with the wonderful mental health counselors and therapists who lend their expertise to divorce-related issues. They understand the emotional, psychological, physical and mental dynamics that come about through separation and divorce. These counselors always provide a fresh, supportive perspective on how to overcome your challenges in the best way for your own well-being and that of your family.

I've met wonderful people specializing in financial, mortgage and related issues specifically focused on the consequences of divorce. There's much to learn from these professionals so you are financially prepared to encounter your life experiences without regrets in the months and years following your divorce. And equally important are the career counselors and other transition professionals who understand the challenges you face and can guide you in creating fulfillment and prosperity in the years ahead.

Don't hesitate to take advantage of this wealth of knowledge, compassion and enlightened vision that you can find from the right professionals. And if the people you are dealing with don't make you feel supported and cared about, fire them and move on to another. It is essential to find the right fit and feel comfortable in seeking out experts with whom you can share your concerns at this very vulnerable time in your life.

If you are not a surgeon you would not operate on yourself or a loved one when they are in need. Why not trust the expertise of a divorce professional when you need guidance in this challenging arena? Ask around for referrals, interview your candidates in detail, trust your gut - and then make a commitment to getting the professional assistance you need from just the right person.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

Divorce Done Wrong: Outrageous Parental Outbursts

Divorce Done Wrong: Outrageous Parental Outbursts
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Because I'm recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, my first concern revolves around children and divorce. This is my take on the many divorce-in-the-news cases that attract public attention. With new technology such as YouTube.com, social media sites, email alerts, MP3 files, etc. now available to anyone who wants their day in public, there's a new array of divorce-related venting, ranting and raving for all to see. The actress Trisha Walsh Smith's YouTube public blast about her husband and their divorce is one such example.
Trisha used the video format to put down her husband for not giving her a fair deal in their marriage and divorce. Fortunately Trisha does not have young children because they would be dramatically affected by such an ego-centric outburst. Should parents experiencing divorce follow her example, they will be doing lifelong damage to their innocent children (who have to "handle" the public attention to their parents' divorce!)

Even without young children, her "tirade" affected the personal lives of many members of her and his family, forcing them into the limelight without their consent. This is a very selfish approach to bringing attention to her personal plight. Right or wrong in her gripe, she had no right to drag others into this embarrassing outburst. Showing photos and criticizing his family in public went way beyond venting about her circumstances. She would have been mortified if her husband had behaved in the same manner.
Ultimately she received a lot of media attention, which was her goal. However I don't believe it worked in her favor. I believe we must remind adults that just because new technology is available in our world, it does not mean we should break the boundaries of civility, respect and maturity in trying to make our points. We can't use naivety about the consequences as an excuse for poor taste, emotional abuse, or immature behavior. Those boundaries should come from within.
What frightens me most is the fear that divorcing parents might emulate this behavior without thinking about how it would affect their children. Even grown children will be mortified by parents hauling their dirty laundry up the flag pole in public arenas, just because they can.

I believe this kind of behavior, in the future, will come to be known as pulling a "Trisha." Let's hope Trisha becomes a poster child for how not to conduct yourself when your divorce gets dirty and you feel like lashing out!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Divorcing Parents: Don't Bring Your Battles to Court

Divorcing Parents: Don't Bring Your Battles to Court

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

You're getting divorced and you're angry, resentful, hurt, vindictive or any combination of other painful emotions. You want to lash out, to get back at your spouse or boost your own sense of esteem. Hiring the most aggressive litigious divorce lawyer you can find seems like your smartest choice. Your ex is in for a fight!

If you're a parent who is thinking along those lines, you're making a choice you may long regret.

If you choose a lawyer who directs you straight into a vicious court battle, the costs to you will be insurmountable - not only in financial outlay, but in emotional turmoil as well. Think long and hard before you move your divorce battle into the legal system. It is likely to take its toll on every member of your family - including your children - in the most destructive and gut-wrenching ways. It happens all the time. But it need not happen to you.

When you give your divorce outcome over to the courts, you are paving the way to unimaginable stress and frustration compounded by a sense of powerlessness that is hard to comprehend until you are in its grips. As you stand by and watch attorneys and judges make decisions about your life and your future you can't help but feel violated and helpless. The taste of revenge that you were after can easily turn into anxiety and shock when issues get twisted and victors become victims right before your eyes. The consequences can play out for years, and often decades, to come.

Sadly, your children are not protected from the emotional and psychological repercussions. When custody decisions are made by those who are focused more on financial issues than family issues, children's needs often get pushed aside in favor of other objectives. Relationships, balance and good will are not prime objectives in the battle of divorce, and the scars on your children's psyches are often overlooked in the legal blood-bath that ensues.

There are other ways. Better ways. And more ways than ever before to create a divorce that respects the rights of every one in the family.

Before engaging that "killer" attorney, talk to a Collaborative Divorce attorney who specializes in creating peaceful outcomes without going to court. Collaborative Lawyers are trained to use their own special skills along with the aid of financial planners, therapists, mediators and other resources to bring both sides into conversation about win-win outcomes. Children's needs get high consideration.

Certified Mediators offer another opportunity to create a fair settlement without litigation at a considerable cost savings. Many mediators are former divorce attorneys who have battled it out in court and know there are saner solutions for all concerned. They care about creating peaceful resolutions.

Learn from the lessons and mistakes of others. If you want to save yourself considerable expense - both emotionally and financially - and if you want your children to thank you when they are grown up for creating a civilized, sensible, harmonious divorce - make the right decisions today. Stay out of court. Stay out of the hands of killer attorneys. Stay in the good graces of your children. Create a Child-Centered Divorce - and reap the rewards for years to come!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Child-Centered Divorce: Co-Parenting after divorce Co-Parenting After Divorce Takes Considerable Cooperation

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

While moving through a divorce can seem like an insurmountable obstacle, for many parents it is just the beginning of a new and equally intimidating challenge, co-parenting your children. Hats off to all of you who have chosen to remain in your children's lives as co-parents. It means both of you deeply care about your children and want to continue raising them in the least-disruptive possible manner.

Of course not all parents can share the parenting process in this way and for some couples it is not the ideal situation to even attempt it. But those couples who are determined to co-parent and choose to live relatively close to one another so as not to disturb the school, sports and other related schedules of their children, certainly deserve credit and acknowledgment.

This is a complex topic that can't be glossed over with a few simple how-tos. It is based on sincere levels of communication and a sense of trust between the former spouses. It is the path that I chose when I separated from my husband and we successfully mastered the ups and downs over the years without too much conflict and confusion. In fact, whenever my son, who was eleven when we first split, was with his father, I had a sense of peace and relief. I knew he was with the one person in the world that I most trusted to lovingly parent him so I could relax and enjoy my time off from parenting without anxiety.

That peace-of-mind is a major advantage to choosing the co-parenting route. Your children enjoy the security and comfort of being with their other parent when they are not with you. You are less dependent on strangers as caretakers in their lives, which is a win-win all around.

A friend of mine who is an author and parenting coach, Amy Botwinick, has some basic suggestions for mastering the art of co-parenting after divorce harmoniously. As a divorced parent herself who is now part of a blended family, she has much experience with this subject.

Here's Amy's advice:

One of the best things you can do for your children is to transition smoothly from spouse to co-parent with your former husband or wife. It won't always be easy and there will certainly be challenges along the way, but here are some things to remember that will help make your new relationship work.

If your ex is in your children's life, don't allow your children to call your boyfriend dad, daddy, father or anything close. Hopefully you will get the same treatment in return.

Never talk badly about their other parent, period. If children ask questions, try to give them age appropriate answers that are honest without passing judgment.

Always give your ex the first right of refusal regarding doing something special with your children before asking your new significant other to do it. For example, taking your teenage daughter for her driver's test.

If possible, try to celebrate birthdays, graduations and special events together with their other parent. Take into consideration each other's comfort issues and pick a place that will eliminate stress so you can enjoy your children and give them a sense of family.

Learn to pick your battles with your ex when it comes to the children. Get a feeling for what is worth discussing and what you actually have no control over.

Amy's wisdom is worth serious consideration. When you ignore any of these basic communication principles, you set yourself up for conflict, jealousy, stress and tension. Breaking these rules sabotages your sense of trust with your ex and that opens the door to mind games, retaliations, petty bickering and a lack of harmony for everyone in the family. Remember: when that happens, your children are the ones who pay the price!

Be the hero in your relationship with your children's other parent. Cooperate. Collaborate. Be flexible and do favors. You are much more likely to get them back in return.

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Amy Botwinick is the author of Copngratulations On Your Divorce. She can be reached at www.todaysdivorcedwoman.com. Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

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Coping with Co-Parenting Challenges Can be Challenging

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Frequently, I am asked "What is the key to successful co-parenting after divorce?" While there is no simple answer to that, I believe most professionals will agree the smartest strategy is learning how to remove anger, hostility or vindictiveness from your interactions with your former spouse.

We all know that's not always easy to do. However, the benefits you derive will more than make up for the sense of satisfaction or ego gratification you get when you hold on to those damaging emotions.

If you're intent on creating a child-centered divorce that strives for harmony between you and your ex, you need to initiate the conversation and model win-win solutions. If your ex doesn't want to cooperate, that's when your patience will certainly be tested. Look for opportunities to clarify why working together as co-parents as often as possible will create far better outcomes for your children. Over time hopefully your ex will see how much more peaceful the family interactions become when you're not focused on "winning" or butting heads.

In some cases, this just won't work. If your former spouse is totally hostile and unapproachable, you may have to work on your acceptance skills. You'll likely have to let go of the idea that child-centered parenting will occur. At this point, the needs and protection of your children must take precedence over trying to engage your ex.

Sometimes it may be necessary for you to keep the other parent at a distance for the well-being of your children. In other cases it might be your ex who is trying to create the distance from you. These challenges are not easy to resolve, but are certainly worth the effort.

If your extended family is excluded by the unenlightened parent, there are ways to try to work around the situation. If visits have been deterred, encourage your family members to express their love and attention through alternative means: telephone calls, emails, social networking chats, letters and other creative resources. The key is not to give up. Continue with any means of communication until the family gains access to the children, even if it is a considerable time in the future.

There are no magic solutions when one spouse is out to spite or hurt the other through the children. But behaving in the same hurtful way is rarely a viable solution. Focus your energies on discussing the well-being of your children in the short- and long-term. Demonstrate patience and determination while containing feelings of anger and ill will. Should your case need legal action to be resolved, your mature parental behavior will be regarded positively when you're trying to make your case in court. If for no other reason, consider the judge's perspective before you take actions that will reap undesirable consequences.

Don't hesitate to consult professional counselors, mediators, clergy or others who can provide objective guidance on how to restore or create harmony for the sake of your children. Often they can offer perspectives you had not thought of or wanted to consider which can lead to new options for all concerned. The more open and flexible you are, the better the possibility of turning a difficult situation into a more cooperative one. Remember, your goal is always what's in the best interest of your children - even when it's not the ideal choice for you. When your children are at peace, everyone wins.


Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.