Surviving Arsenic Hour - by Dr. Laura Markham

Surviving Arsenic Hour

Every mother knows arsenic hour, when hunger, homework, and exhaustion merge into one big emotional accident waiting to happen. One of the reasons kids have meltdowns at the end of the day is that they're hungry and tired, whether they've been home with you or out at school.

It's also classic for kids who are at daycare or school all day to lose it when they're reunited with you. It's hard work for little people to keep it together all day in the face of all those developmental challenges, disappointments and rules. The minute they see you, their "executive self" relaxes, and their "baby self" comes out to seek comfort from Mom. Be ready to be emotionally present for your kids, and you'll stave off some meltdowns and set a pleasant tone for the evening. How?

1. If you can manage it, change into your jeans before you leave the office. I know, it sounds crazy. But the minute you do, you begin to relax. And make sure to use the bathroom before you leave the office! What if you've been home with little ones all day? Steal five minutes to wash your face, have a cup of tea, and do nothing. Really, nothing.

2. Then, before you pick up your kids, sit in the car for five minutes by yourself. Put on a soothing tape. Breathe deeply. Tell yourself what a good job you did all day. Think of one nice thing you can do for yourself this evening (A glass of wine with your husband? A hot bubble bath? Call an old friend? Go to bed early?) and promise yourself that present tonight. Acknowledge that after the kids go to sleep is your time, this next few hours is "kid time." Then, get in touch with how much you love your kids and how much you want a nice connection with them. Once you've filled your own cup, you'll find you have a lot more to offer your kids.

3. Give your kids lots of hugs and "pre-emptive" attention when you pick them up. When your kids get in the car, turn off the radio and focus on them. Make a ritual of starting with the youngest, and ask them about their days. Be sure to ask open-ended questions to get them talking while you drive. You'll find your kids will come to love this ritual and wait for their turn with great anticipation.

4. Keep your kids with you when you walk into the kitchen to start dinner. Why? Because they haven't seen you all day and they need to reconnect with you. Until they do, they're much harder to manage, and much more likely to fight with each other. They're also more likely to get into trouble while you're preoccupied with getting dinner on the table -- most pediatricians will tell you that kids have more accidents at this time of day. And using TV will just rev them up more, when they're already overstimulated from being tired (which means they have stress hormones coursing through their veins -- that's how kids manage to get through the afternoon when they're tired, and it's what makes them so cranky and often hyperactive at this time of day.) Instead, start a routine of sitting your kids down at a little table in the kitchen with a snack to draw if they're toddlers or preschoolers. If they're older, they can sit at the kitchen table and do homework while they snack.

5. Put healthy snacks in front of the kids as soon as you walk in the door. Set up a low table in the kitchen that your kids can sit at and draw and snack. Worried that you'll spoil their appetites? Make sure the snacks are healthy. Carrots, olives, cheese slices, broccoli florets, raisins, crackers with peanut butter, bananas, apple slices, cucumber slices, cherry tomatoes, red pepper slices, raw or cooked green beans, hard boiled eggs, even a healthy smoothie.....anything nutritious that takes less than five minutes to prepare. In fact, think of this snack as the first course of dinner, and make sure your kids are getting protein or vitamins from it. It's amazing how many more vegies kids consume when they're served as a snack rather than competing with the carbs on the dinner plate. Don't forget to feed yourself a bit as you prep dinner, so you recharge your own batteries.

6. Are your kids antsy, not able to sit in one place to draw and snack? Put them to work and tell them how much you value their help. As you chop the vegies, they can put them in the bowl. Or they can get ingredients out of the fridge for you. When it's time to eat, have everyone set the table together.

7. What to do when your youngest is a baby or toddler who is just too tired even to sit and snack in a high chair? Get out the baby backpack and let her watch over your shoulder as you make dinner.

8. Simplify. Don't answer the phone and don't return phone calls before dinner. Don't go through the mail or complete school forms. Do not turn on your computer to "quickly check email." Just get everyone fed as soon as possible. Once that's completed, everyone will have more internal resources to draw on to tend to any other tasks that need to be accomplished, including any kid chores.

9. Use the power of music. Research shows that music can lift our moods, calm us down, make us happy. As soon as you walk in the door, put on soothing music.

10. As a matter of simple survival, don't spend more than 20 minutes getting dinner on the table. Anything that's quick and nutritious is fine to serve for dinner on weeknights. When you cook a meal on the weekend, always cook several batches and freeze some (Stews, soups, beans, lasagna, casseroles.) You should be able to get out a frozen meal twice a week before you leave for work, and just add a salad and bread that evening as the meal is heating. The other three meals? Pasta, eggs, and broiled fish or meat. If your gourmet sensibilities are offended by this simplicity, think about what's more important -- an easy, happy family evening, or a gourmet meal. You can always cook on weekends when you have all day and (hopefully) adult backup.

I know it seems like extra work to cook and plan ahead. But the daily stress of being hungry and not knowing what you'll serve hungry kids for dinner can ruin your life and sabotage everything positive you do with your kids. If you're more of a free spirit, you don't have to plan, just look in your freezer every morning. If you can't find anything, make the decision right then: Will you order pizza or make scrambled eggs?

11. Feed young kids as early as possible. Seriously, why wait? They're starving. They're tired. You need to get on with their baths and get them to bed. Why not feed little ones at 5:30pm, 5pm, even 4:30pm? What if one spouse can't get home until later and the kids are too young to wait? Feed the kids early. Finish homework, bathe everyone. When the other spouse gets home, everyone can sit down for Happy Hour together. Serve fresh fruit to the kids while Mom or Dad eats. (Or maybe both parents eat at this point.) That way, kids get some experience with family meals even during the week, and get to connect with both parents, but they get fed at a developmentally appropriate hour, they have time for a soothing bath, and they get to bed on time.
Dr. Laura Markham. All rights reserved - http://ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/family-life/Arsenic-Hour

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