Weekly tips for parents of teenagers from Mark Gregston and Heartlight Ministries Foundation
Teen Troubles Can Ignite Marital Troubles
Famed humorist and author Mark Twain once said, “When a child turns 13, put them in a box. Cut a hole in the box to pass in food and water. When they turn 16, plug up the hole.” Unfortunately, teen troubles aren’t that easy to solve, and they can strain all of the relationships in the family . . . especially the parent’s marriage.
I received an email not long ago from a desperate grandmother who is rearing her teenage granddaughter. She told me, “She has always been hard to handle, but lately she has been getting out of hand. She is angry, disrespectful and mean. We’ve tried counseling and different parenting techniques, without success. Now, our marriage is on the brink of divorce.”
Did you notice how she immediately shifted from talking about her granddaughter’s issues, to mentioning how it is affecting her own marriage? I hear it all the time — and I see it on the faces of parents who bring their child to us at Heartlight. The stress and strain of dealing with a difficult child bent on self-destruction is more than most marriages can bear. The teen invariably pits the parents against each other and the parents begin blaming each other, or they conflict over the how to “fix” their child. It can and does tear families apart.
The worst thing that can happen for your teenager is for your family and marriage to crumble. Mom and dad need to protect their marriage, above all else. In fact, it is more important than just about anything the parents can do to help their child.
If you are struggling with your teen, make the commitment today that you will do whatever you have to do to protect or reestablish your marital relationship — even if it means removing your teen from your home for a time to give your relationship a rest. Your marriage needs to be your highest priority at this time.
Prescription for a Healthy Marriage Amidst Teen Troubles
1) See the experience as something you must manage together. A problem with a teen is simply something you are not going to be able to handle properly if there are divisions between you. Use the strengths of both husband and wife to deal with the situation.
2) Share your feelings. Honestly express the strains you are feeling because of what is happening. Don’t take an expression of pain from your spouse as an attack on you as a person or as a parent.
3) Present a united front to your teen. Sit down and talk to your teen together. Make it clear to them that the “Napoleon Strategy” of divide and conquer will not work. Lay out clear guidelines for how you will deal with problems together.
4) Don’t expect your spouse to fill the void. When a close relationship you enjoyed with a younger child is disrupted, do not turn to your spouse and place the responsibility on them to fill your expectations and pick up the slack.
5) Don’t expect your spouse to change. My wife and I spent a year and half in counseling together. One of the things that gave us the most help was being told to quit trying to change each other. It made our life immensely better.
6) Don’t blame each other for the problem. Since none of us is perfect, something your spouse did or failed to do may have contributed to the problem with the teen. The past cannot be changed; it is detrimental to try to fix blame for it.
7) Don’t avoid the pain. As the old saying goes, “Denial is not just a river in Egypt.” Trying to pretend like there isn’t anything wrong is a recipe for disaster. Honestly face the situation and plan your response to it with your eyes wide open.
Build in fun times together. Even though you’re struggling you still can enjoy good things in life. Do things with your teen and with each other. It keeps the spark of hope burning and reminds you that things can and will get better. Don’t let the fire go out!
The point is this, spend extra time together and keep working not just on your child’s problems, but on your own relationship as well. Take breaks away from the the kids and from talking about your teen’s problems. Don’t forsake your friends, hobbies or fun things in life. Your teen needs to see that they aren’t “winning” the battle by causing you to mope around or become hermits so you can keep your eye on them.
If you aren’t together and your marriage strong, your teen will know it…and use it against you. I’ve had parents say to me, “We just can’t see eye to eye.” My reply is, “Then get counseling and fix it.” Don’t let pride keep you from doing what your kids—and your marriage—need. All of us need guidance and direction to not only help us get to where we want to go, but also to keep from the places we never thought we would end up. Even Jan and I had to get counseling for a period of time, and it helped a lot.
If your teen sees his parents working through their problems with each other and with a counselor, it will give him hope that his situation can be resolved as well. It will give validity to their own need for a counselor, should it come to that. Don’t be afraid to share some of those struggles with him in the context of working toward a solution. “We’re going to remain strong even when don’t agree” gives the child license to see struggle and still be loved and accepted.
Tackle your own marital struggles and disagreements first, with a bedrock commitment to respect and unity, and you’ll give your teen a powerful example to follow. My friend DeeDee Mayer says that one of the great benefits of marriage is: “To know and be known as a human being and be loved anyway.” Extend that same benefit to your teen and make sure they know it as well.
Preventive Care
When I was a kid, people weren’t worried about skin cancer very much. You didn’t see moms at the beach slathering their kids with all different kinds of sunscreen or afraid to let them go outside to play. None of us knew what “SPF” was. Now we do. The purpose of sunscreen is to prevent something serious from happening later on. In the same way, you can…and should…apply sunscreen to your relationship well before the problems start.
We’ve had over 2500 kids come live with us at Heartlight over the past twenty years. Almost every parent has said something like this to me: “We never knew that our child was going to struggle like this,” or, “Our child seemingly changed overnight.” Those families weren’t prepared for what hit them, and for many, it led to difficulty in their marriage and even divorce.
Parents who are approaching the teen years would be wise to prepare ahead of time—ensuring that they are on the same page and the foundations of their marriage are strong. They’ll start taking steps today to guard their marriage from the problems that can come during the teen years. And for those who are in the midst of teen struggles now, they’d be wise to turn their attention toward their marriage first, and that will be the start of healing for the whole family, including their teen.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our half-hour radio program last weekend. Follow the link below to hear it now online.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas.
LISTEN NOW: To hear our half-hour radio program on this topic, listen online here (or look for the program at www.parentingtodaysteens.org).
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Parents can tend to “pour on” criticism in the teen years,
Parents can tend to “pour on” criticism in the teen years, especially when their teenager responds with a scowl, a turned back or a shrugged shoulder.
Constant criticism may be one of the greatest failings of otherwise caring and concerned parents, since it can lead an already introspective adolescent to exasperation and lifelong self-consciousness.
While an overly criticized teen may act defensively or like they don’t care, they really do take it to heart. In fact, to them each criticism might feel like a slap in the face.
So take care how you criticize your teen. Avoid criticizing their tastes, desires, decisions or physical attributes. Stop the cycle of criticism, since it tends to be something that’s learned and passed on from generation to generation.
by Mark Gregston
Constant criticism may be one of the greatest failings of otherwise caring and concerned parents, since it can lead an already introspective adolescent to exasperation and lifelong self-consciousness.
While an overly criticized teen may act defensively or like they don’t care, they really do take it to heart. In fact, to them each criticism might feel like a slap in the face.
So take care how you criticize your teen. Avoid criticizing their tastes, desires, decisions or physical attributes. Stop the cycle of criticism, since it tends to be something that’s learned and passed on from generation to generation.
by Mark Gregston
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
5 Ways to Safeguard Your Children During and After Divorce
5 Ways to Safeguard Your Children During and After Divorce
Communication with our children is always important, but never as
essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce.
Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their
routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress
and anxiety they'll experience. This is the time to reassure your
children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the
family will be okay, Then, of course, take responsibility for doing
what needs to be done to assure their well-being.
Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive
during and after your divorce.
1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children's lives as is
feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors
provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in
the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible,
serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in
many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other
changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on
their emotional security.
2. Make spending time and attention with your children a priority.
With all the stress in your life it's easy to overlook your kid's
need for stability and security. The best source for that is you.
It's easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but
your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and
attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them.
Make sure you are generous with both!
3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with
their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing
questions from the outside, such as, "I don't know. My mom and dad
are working on that." Or "You'll have to ask my mom about that." Do
whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have
and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with
adult responsibilities or communication.
4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of
a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as
well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who
know what they are going through and can share feelings and
stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find
support groups, clubs or other gatherings.
5. Don't wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is
often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to
be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they
can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel "heard" by an
objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school
professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.
Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in
bed. So may your children. But they can't always express what they
are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in
protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep
the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can.
This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get
through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Communication with our children is always important, but never as
essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce.
Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their
routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress
and anxiety they'll experience. This is the time to reassure your
children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the
family will be okay, Then, of course, take responsibility for doing
what needs to be done to assure their well-being.
Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive
during and after your divorce.
1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children's lives as is
feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors
provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in
the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible,
serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in
many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other
changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on
their emotional security.
2, Make spending time and attention with your children a priority.
With all the stress in your life it's easy to overlook your kid's
need for stability and security. The best source for that is you.
It's easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but
your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and
attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them.
Make sure you are generous with both!
3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with
their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing
questions from the outside, such as, "I don't know. My mom and dad
are working on that." Or "You'll have to ask my mom about that." Do
whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have
and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with
adult responsibilities or communication.
4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of
a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as
well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who
know what they are going through and can share feelings and
stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find
support groups, clubs or other gatherings.
5. Don't wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is
often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to
be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they
can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel "heard" by an
objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school
professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.
Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in
bed. So may your children. But they can't always express what they
are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in
protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep
the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can.
This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get
through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Communication with our children is always important, but never as
essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce.
Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their
routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress
and anxiety they'll experience. This is the time to reassure your
children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the
family will be okay, Then, of course, take responsibility for doing
what needs to be done to assure their well-being.
Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive
during and after your divorce.
1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children's lives as is
feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors
provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in
the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible,
serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in
many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other
changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on
their emotional security.
2, Make spending time and attention with your children a priority.
With all the stress in your life it's easy to overlook your kid's
need for stability and security. The best source for that is you.
It's easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but
your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and
attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them.
Make sure you are generous with both!
3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with
their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing
questions from the outside, such as, "I don't know. My mom and dad
are working on that." Or "You'll have to ask my mom about that." Do
whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have
and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with
adult responsibilities or communication.
4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of
a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as
well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who
know what they are going through and can share feelings and
stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find
support groups, clubs or other gatherings.
5. Don't wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is
often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to
be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they
can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel "heard" by an
objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school
professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.
Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in
bed. So may your children. But they can't always express what they
are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in
protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep
the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can.
This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get
through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Communication with our children is always important, but never as
essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce.
Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their
routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress
and anxiety they'll experience. This is the time to reassure your
children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the
family will be okay, Then, of course, take responsibility for doing
what needs to be done to assure their well-being.
Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive
during and after your divorce.
1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children's lives as is
feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors
provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in
the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible,
serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in
many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other
changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on
their emotional security.
2. Make spending time and attention with your children a priority.
With all the stress in your life it's easy to overlook your kid's
need for stability and security. The best source for that is you.
It's easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but
your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and
attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them.
Make sure you are generous with both!
3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with
their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing
questions from the outside, such as, "I don't know. My mom and dad
are working on that." Or "You'll have to ask my mom about that." Do
whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have
and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with
adult responsibilities or communication.
4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of
a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as
well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who
know what they are going through and can share feelings and
stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find
support groups, clubs or other gatherings.
5. Don't wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is
often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to
be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they
can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel "heard" by an
objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school
professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.
Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in
bed. So may your children. But they can't always express what they
are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in
protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep
the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can.
This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get
through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Communication with our children is always important, but never as
essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce.
Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their
routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress
and anxiety they'll experience. This is the time to reassure your
children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the
family will be okay, Then, of course, take responsibility for doing
what needs to be done to assure their well-being.
Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive
during and after your divorce.
1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children's lives as is
feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors
provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in
the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible,
serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in
many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other
changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on
their emotional security.
2, Make spending time and attention with your children a priority.
With all the stress in your life it's easy to overlook your kid's
need for stability and security. The best source for that is you.
It's easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but
your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and
attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them.
Make sure you are generous with both!
3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with
their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing
questions from the outside, such as, "I don't know. My mom and dad
are working on that." Or "You'll have to ask my mom about that." Do
whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have
and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with
adult responsibilities or communication.
4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of
a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as
well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who
know what they are going through and can share feelings and
stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find
support groups, clubs or other gatherings.
5. Don't wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is
often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to
be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they
can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel "heard" by an
objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school
professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.
Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in
bed. So may your children. But they can't always express what they
are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in
protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep
the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can.
This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get
through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Communication with our children is always important, but never as
essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce.
Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their
routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress
and anxiety they'll experience. This is the time to reassure your
children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the
family will be okay, Then, of course, take responsibility for doing
what needs to be done to assure their well-being.
Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive
during and after your divorce.
1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children's lives as is
feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors
provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in
the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible,
serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in
many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other
changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on
their emotional security.
2, Make spending time and attention with your children a priority.
With all the stress in your life it's easy to overlook your kid's
need for stability and security. The best source for that is you.
It's easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but
your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and
attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them.
Make sure you are generous with both!
3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with
their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing
questions from the outside, such as, "I don't know. My mom and dad
are working on that." Or "You'll have to ask my mom about that." Do
whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have
and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with
adult responsibilities or communication.
4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of
a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as
well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who
know what they are going through and can share feelings and
stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find
support groups, clubs or other gatherings.
5. Don't wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is
often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to
be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they
can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel "heard" by an
objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school
professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.
Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in
bed. So may your children. But they can't always express what they
are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in
protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep
the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can.
This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get
through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Child-Centered Divorce: Is there a "gift" in your divorce? Is there a "gift" in your divorce? Find it and you will flourish!
Child-Centered Divorce: Is there a "gift" in your divorce?
Is there a "gift" in your divorce? Find it and you will flourish!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
When we are in the midst of life trauma it is very difficult to
experience anything but the pain, disappointment, hurt and anguish
related to that experience. That's only natural. But very often,
looking back in hindsight, we can find meaning, relevance, valuable
lessons and insights that were the direct result of those major
life challenges. Without that life-altering event we would not
become the successes we are today.
Many people look upon that result as the "gift" they received from
the experience - the wisdom they gleaned, the turning point they
needed to move on to a new chapter in their lives. They look back
and can say the lesson was tough, but they don't regret it in the
least.
I believe divorce can be looked upon as one of those "gifts" and
life lessons if we choose to look for the reward. What did you
learn as a result of this experience? Who are you today that you
would not have been had you not divorced? Do you see inner wisdom
or strength that makes you proud? Have you made decisions that are
more supportive of your life and values? Do you like yourself
better? Have you found new career directions or new meaning in life
as a direct result of your divorce?
If you can't yet answer yes to any of these questions, give
yourself time. Perhaps you have not fully moved through the inner
and outer transitions resulting from your divorce. Perhaps you are
still holding on to resentment, anger, jealousy or other negative
emotions that are keeping you from experiencing the freedom from
old programming and patterns.
I believe there is a gift in every tough experience in our lives -
if we choose to see it. And why shouldn't we put our energy in that
direction? What good does it do to hold on to a past that has
slipped away - or to people who are not giving us the love and
support we deserve? When we let go of the past, we open the door to
a new future - and only then can we empower ourselves to create
that future as a much better outcome for ourselves and those we love.
Shelley Stile is a professionally trained Life Coach
(http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=L30NJb5mNUZMxH&b=DV5U6GqGCUheWTql2nqIBQ) specializing in divorce issues.
She has written about this topic and her advice is worth sharing
with you:
"Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are
(warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has
survived divorce and has gone on to create a vibrant life based
upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you
that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That
may not be true for you but there is a gift waiting for you to
find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career
and to a certain extent he has played a part. Oftentimes it takes a
good whack on the head to awaken us to life's possibilities and our
own happiness.
It's the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true.
Search for the gifts of your divorce and it becomes yet another
step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of divorce.
Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower,
the work that has taken place underneath the surface of the ground,
invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that
subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the
flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root
system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you will
ultimately see the outer rewards."
Don't be afraid to go within and plant the seeds for the tomorrow
you dream about. With love, patience and gratitude I know your
garden will ultimately grow and flourish!
* * * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for
customizing a personal family storybook that guides children
through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more
information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine
visit http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=L30NJb5mNUZMxH&b=ph_0ZOqrnZDnB6znFwjg5Q.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
Is there a "gift" in your divorce? Find it and you will flourish!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
When we are in the midst of life trauma it is very difficult to
experience anything but the pain, disappointment, hurt and anguish
related to that experience. That's only natural. But very often,
looking back in hindsight, we can find meaning, relevance, valuable
lessons and insights that were the direct result of those major
life challenges. Without that life-altering event we would not
become the successes we are today.
Many people look upon that result as the "gift" they received from
the experience - the wisdom they gleaned, the turning point they
needed to move on to a new chapter in their lives. They look back
and can say the lesson was tough, but they don't regret it in the
least.
I believe divorce can be looked upon as one of those "gifts" and
life lessons if we choose to look for the reward. What did you
learn as a result of this experience? Who are you today that you
would not have been had you not divorced? Do you see inner wisdom
or strength that makes you proud? Have you made decisions that are
more supportive of your life and values? Do you like yourself
better? Have you found new career directions or new meaning in life
as a direct result of your divorce?
If you can't yet answer yes to any of these questions, give
yourself time. Perhaps you have not fully moved through the inner
and outer transitions resulting from your divorce. Perhaps you are
still holding on to resentment, anger, jealousy or other negative
emotions that are keeping you from experiencing the freedom from
old programming and patterns.
I believe there is a gift in every tough experience in our lives -
if we choose to see it. And why shouldn't we put our energy in that
direction? What good does it do to hold on to a past that has
slipped away - or to people who are not giving us the love and
support we deserve? When we let go of the past, we open the door to
a new future - and only then can we empower ourselves to create
that future as a much better outcome for ourselves and those we love.
Shelley Stile is a professionally trained Life Coach
(http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=L30NJb5mNUZMxH&b=DV5U6GqGCUheWTql2nqIBQ) specializing in divorce issues.
She has written about this topic and her advice is worth sharing
with you:
"Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are
(warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has
survived divorce and has gone on to create a vibrant life based
upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you
that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That
may not be true for you but there is a gift waiting for you to
find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career
and to a certain extent he has played a part. Oftentimes it takes a
good whack on the head to awaken us to life's possibilities and our
own happiness.
It's the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true.
Search for the gifts of your divorce and it becomes yet another
step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of divorce.
Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower,
the work that has taken place underneath the surface of the ground,
invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that
subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the
flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root
system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you will
ultimately see the outer rewards."
Don't be afraid to go within and plant the seeds for the tomorrow
you dream about. With love, patience and gratitude I know your
garden will ultimately grow and flourish!
* * * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for
customizing a personal family storybook that guides children
through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more
information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine
visit http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=L30NJb5mNUZMxH&b=ph_0ZOqrnZDnB6znFwjg5Q.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Child-Centered Divorce: 3 Big Lies Women Believe about Divorced Dads Three big lies women believe about divorced Dads.
Child-Centered Divorce: 3 Big Lies Women Believe about Divorced Dads
Three big lies women believe about divorced Dads.
Do you know the truth?
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Many children grow up as adults and find they are duped into
believing negative things about one parent or another as a
consequence of a divorce. Our society, legal system and gender
biases all play a role in creating negative stereotypes connected
to divorced women and men. Men are especially liable to some
sweeping generalizations regarding post-divorce behaviors. Whether
they are based on anecdotal stories passed among family members,
popular movies or sensational celebrity headlines in recent years,
men are often portrayed as the aggressors and winners when it comes
to divorce. Here are some common mistruths that deserve clarity and
further exploration.
1. The husband usually initiates the divorce.
In today's culture women are finally free - both emotionally and
economically - to take the reigns and ask for a divorce. They may
feel unfulfilled or unappreciated in their marriage, emotionally or
physically abused, exploited or disrespected. They may discover
that their husband has been unfaithful - or they themselves may
have entered into sexual affairs as an outlet for frustration or a
variety of incompatibilities. Regardless of the cause, men are not
the exclusive initiators of divorce and should not bear the blame
as a gender. Often it is the husband who is the last to know that
his wife wants out.
2. Most divorced fathers do not make their child support payments.
While some fathers abuse their responsibilities in this regard -
and the courts are filled with such cases - the majority of
divorced Dads feel deeply concerned about the well-being of their
children and want to support their families in every possible way.
They also want to remain actively involved in their children's
lives. Like Moms, Dads love their children and are hurt if the
connections with them are cut off. This is especially painful if a
vindictive mother is trying to get back at Dad through the kids. In
these cases it's the children who are ultimately hurt the most.
Another related untruth is that most fathers are far better off
financially after a divorce. As in all things, it depends on the
parties and circumstances involved.
3. Only rarely does a mother try to keep the father from seeing his
children.
Unfortunately this is more common than most people believe. In
recent years the situation has been given a name and is finally
being recognized as an injustice to children of divorce. Parental
Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a problem initiated by both genders.
However, more women use this emotional and psychological weapon
against their former husbands because they can. What they don't
understand is that they are deeply wounding their children through
this alienation and ultimately, when the kids are grown, quite
often they are resentful at the parent that created the separation.
No good can come from this tactic for anyone in the family.
Regardless of how angry and upset you might be at your ex, do not
use the children as pawns or punishment to derive your own
satisfaction.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author How Do I Tell the Kids ... about
the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children
-- with Love! The new ebook provides expert advice that helps
parents create a unique personal family storybook with
fill-in-the-blank templates.
Three big lies women believe about divorced Dads.
Do you know the truth?
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Many children grow up as adults and find they are duped into
believing negative things about one parent or another as a
consequence of a divorce. Our society, legal system and gender
biases all play a role in creating negative stereotypes connected
to divorced women and men. Men are especially liable to some
sweeping generalizations regarding post-divorce behaviors. Whether
they are based on anecdotal stories passed among family members,
popular movies or sensational celebrity headlines in recent years,
men are often portrayed as the aggressors and winners when it comes
to divorce. Here are some common mistruths that deserve clarity and
further exploration.
1. The husband usually initiates the divorce.
In today's culture women are finally free - both emotionally and
economically - to take the reigns and ask for a divorce. They may
feel unfulfilled or unappreciated in their marriage, emotionally or
physically abused, exploited or disrespected. They may discover
that their husband has been unfaithful - or they themselves may
have entered into sexual affairs as an outlet for frustration or a
variety of incompatibilities. Regardless of the cause, men are not
the exclusive initiators of divorce and should not bear the blame
as a gender. Often it is the husband who is the last to know that
his wife wants out.
2. Most divorced fathers do not make their child support payments.
While some fathers abuse their responsibilities in this regard -
and the courts are filled with such cases - the majority of
divorced Dads feel deeply concerned about the well-being of their
children and want to support their families in every possible way.
They also want to remain actively involved in their children's
lives. Like Moms, Dads love their children and are hurt if the
connections with them are cut off. This is especially painful if a
vindictive mother is trying to get back at Dad through the kids. In
these cases it's the children who are ultimately hurt the most.
Another related untruth is that most fathers are far better off
financially after a divorce. As in all things, it depends on the
parties and circumstances involved.
3. Only rarely does a mother try to keep the father from seeing his
children.
Unfortunately this is more common than most people believe. In
recent years the situation has been given a name and is finally
being recognized as an injustice to children of divorce. Parental
Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a problem initiated by both genders.
However, more women use this emotional and psychological weapon
against their former husbands because they can. What they don't
understand is that they are deeply wounding their children through
this alienation and ultimately, when the kids are grown, quite
often they are resentful at the parent that created the separation.
No good can come from this tactic for anyone in the family.
Regardless of how angry and upset you might be at your ex, do not
use the children as pawns or punishment to derive your own
satisfaction.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author How Do I Tell the Kids ... about
the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children
-- with Love! The new ebook provides expert advice that helps
parents create a unique personal family storybook with
fill-in-the-blank templates.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Wishing you much joy and happiness through the holidays and throughout the New Year ahead!
Wishing you much joy and happiness
through the holidays and throughout
the New Year ahead!
Most sincerely,
Rosalind Sedacca
The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce
If you're facing the challenge of being alone in the days ahead I hope this message will be a source of hope and inspiration for reframing your perspectives.
Being Alone During the Holidays Can Be Tough For Divorced Parents
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
One of the saddest consequences of divorce for parents is the alone-time when your children are visiting their other parent. While short-term periods when the kids are away can be a welcome respite for an overscheduled single parent, for other parents the intervals between seeing the children can be long and lonely. The holiday season can be a particularly challenging time, especially when friends and neighbors are busy with their own family gatherings.
It's really important for parents who are alone during the winter holidays to get creative and absorbed in activities that you find personally fulfilling. This can also be an opportunity to reflect on meeting your own needs and finding friends and activities that bring joy into your life.
One of the greatest challenges for divorced parents is avoiding self-pity. Overwhelmed by a sense of isolation, or feeling undervalued as a parent, can often result in making poor choices when communicating with your children. It's not difficult to bury your hurt in comments designed to make your children feel guilty about not being with you, despite the fact that most times those decisions are not really within their control.
Turning toward your support group of friends can be really helpful when these feelings arise. Seeking out a counselor or divorce coach can also provide advice and new resources for creating alternative holiday traditions.
Here are some other ways you can stay in the lives of your children despite the distance between you.
• Create a Journal of holiday activities that you can later share with the kids. This might take the form of a travelogue of places you've explored, people you've visited, movies you saw and other activities participated in. You can even bring home a souvenir from each place as something to show and talk about with the kids on their next visit, such as paper restaurant menus, movie ticket stubs, tee shirts, colorful brochures, post-cards, hats, pens, etc.
• Send an email or text message "of the day" to the kids with a theme: such as the Staying Warm Tip of the Day, favorite Candy Bar of the Day, Sledding Tip of the Day, Favorite Frozen Yogurt Flavor of the Day - just to keep in touch.
• Join a toy or food distribution drive over the holidays to help needy children in your community so you feel valued while interacting with and bringing joy to other children
• Make plans to see the same movie as your kids on the same day and then schedule a call to discuss the movie together and share the experience in your own way
Be creative. Think out of the box in healthy ways and your children will appreciate you without guilt, sadness or shame. This is one of the greatest gifts any parent can give to their children - the gift of enjoying their childhood without the burden of parental divorce issues weighing them down.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca
through the holidays and throughout
the New Year ahead!
Most sincerely,
Rosalind Sedacca
The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce
If you're facing the challenge of being alone in the days ahead I hope this message will be a source of hope and inspiration for reframing your perspectives.
Being Alone During the Holidays Can Be Tough For Divorced Parents
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
One of the saddest consequences of divorce for parents is the alone-time when your children are visiting their other parent. While short-term periods when the kids are away can be a welcome respite for an overscheduled single parent, for other parents the intervals between seeing the children can be long and lonely. The holiday season can be a particularly challenging time, especially when friends and neighbors are busy with their own family gatherings.
It's really important for parents who are alone during the winter holidays to get creative and absorbed in activities that you find personally fulfilling. This can also be an opportunity to reflect on meeting your own needs and finding friends and activities that bring joy into your life.
One of the greatest challenges for divorced parents is avoiding self-pity. Overwhelmed by a sense of isolation, or feeling undervalued as a parent, can often result in making poor choices when communicating with your children. It's not difficult to bury your hurt in comments designed to make your children feel guilty about not being with you, despite the fact that most times those decisions are not really within their control.
Turning toward your support group of friends can be really helpful when these feelings arise. Seeking out a counselor or divorce coach can also provide advice and new resources for creating alternative holiday traditions.
Here are some other ways you can stay in the lives of your children despite the distance between you.
• Create a Journal of holiday activities that you can later share with the kids. This might take the form of a travelogue of places you've explored, people you've visited, movies you saw and other activities participated in. You can even bring home a souvenir from each place as something to show and talk about with the kids on their next visit, such as paper restaurant menus, movie ticket stubs, tee shirts, colorful brochures, post-cards, hats, pens, etc.
• Send an email or text message "of the day" to the kids with a theme: such as the Staying Warm Tip of the Day, favorite Candy Bar of the Day, Sledding Tip of the Day, Favorite Frozen Yogurt Flavor of the Day - just to keep in touch.
• Join a toy or food distribution drive over the holidays to help needy children in your community so you feel valued while interacting with and bringing joy to other children
• Make plans to see the same movie as your kids on the same day and then schedule a call to discuss the movie together and share the experience in your own way
Be creative. Think out of the box in healthy ways and your children will appreciate you without guilt, sadness or shame. This is one of the greatest gifts any parent can give to their children - the gift of enjoying their childhood without the burden of parental divorce issues weighing them down.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca
Monday, December 20, 2010
Domestic Violence Dramatically Influences Children - Emotional Abuse, too!
Domestic Violence Dramatically Influences Children - Emotional Abuse, too!
John Lindenberger, a reporter for the North Platte Telegraph in Nebraska, has a sad tale to tell.
It's based on a very sobering message: When children are exposed to domestic violence in the home, they often mimic the behavior they see.
In a nutshell, writes Lindenberger, "This means the boys often grow up to become abusers, and the girls grow up to marry them."
He quotes Jeanie Gilbert, executive director of the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program in North Platte who has been working with victims of domestic violence for 12 years. "Domestic violence is a learned behavior," says Gilbert. She explains that "children in these situations become desensitized to the violence, and they often begin to mimic their gender role at a young age." While this is not always the case, she said it is true the majority of the time.
This article was written as a result of a murder trial in the region. Lindenberger notes that the accused was characterized as a teenager locked into a cycle of abuse who saw her mother battered by two men and later became involved in an abusive relationship herself with a man.
The reporter notes that "in the 2003-04 fiscal year, nearly 2,400 children and youth came to Nebraska's network of domestic violence and sexual assault programs. More than 1,300 stayed in a shelter with their mothers to escape violence in the home." It is very likely that similar statistics are a reality in municipalities throughout the United States and other nations around the world.
According to Gilbert, when children witness domestic violence happening in their home, they experience a wide range of emotions, including fear. She said the children become afraid for their mother as well as themselves.
Lindenberger' article goes on to explain that "This fear can become crippling and leave a child with feelings of helplessness and despair." In addition, according to Gilbert, children often feel guilty and perhaps even responsible for the violence.
"Any child, even in divorce, will take on some of the responsibility," Gilbert added.
To avoid their feelings of helplessness, Gilbert said children will often retreat. She noted they sometimes try to hide when the violence occurs or listen to music so they don't have to listen to the fighting.
Children who live with domestic violence also have trouble in school, notes Gilbert. Although school feels like a safe place for these children, they become distracted as they worry about their mother.
Gilbert said domestic violence is not always physical. Verbal or emotional abuse in a relationship can be just as bad. In fact, victims often tell Gilbert that emotional abuse is worse than physical.
In order to break the cycle of domestic violence, children often need lots of counseling and exposure to positive role models. Gilbert said these children need to learn what a positive relationship looks like.
In some cases, children are able to break the cycle on their own when they become adults. However, most need some type of help. Gilbert notes that they can get that help through facilities like the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program of North Platte which offers a 24-hour crisis phone line, emergency shelter and support groups for women and children.
If you are in any way being affected by domestic violence or emotional abuse, don't hesitate to seek out help within your community. And be sure to make counseling available to your children, as well. The sooner you get a handle on this type of dysfunctional behavior within your family structure, the better for both you and your children. Help is out there. You can start by doing a community search on the Internet under the keywords, Domestic Violence or Domestic Abuse.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All Rights Reserved
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
John Lindenberger, a reporter for the North Platte Telegraph in Nebraska, has a sad tale to tell.
It's based on a very sobering message: When children are exposed to domestic violence in the home, they often mimic the behavior they see.
In a nutshell, writes Lindenberger, "This means the boys often grow up to become abusers, and the girls grow up to marry them."
He quotes Jeanie Gilbert, executive director of the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program in North Platte who has been working with victims of domestic violence for 12 years. "Domestic violence is a learned behavior," says Gilbert. She explains that "children in these situations become desensitized to the violence, and they often begin to mimic their gender role at a young age." While this is not always the case, she said it is true the majority of the time.
This article was written as a result of a murder trial in the region. Lindenberger notes that the accused was characterized as a teenager locked into a cycle of abuse who saw her mother battered by two men and later became involved in an abusive relationship herself with a man.
The reporter notes that "in the 2003-04 fiscal year, nearly 2,400 children and youth came to Nebraska's network of domestic violence and sexual assault programs. More than 1,300 stayed in a shelter with their mothers to escape violence in the home." It is very likely that similar statistics are a reality in municipalities throughout the United States and other nations around the world.
According to Gilbert, when children witness domestic violence happening in their home, they experience a wide range of emotions, including fear. She said the children become afraid for their mother as well as themselves.
Lindenberger' article goes on to explain that "This fear can become crippling and leave a child with feelings of helplessness and despair." In addition, according to Gilbert, children often feel guilty and perhaps even responsible for the violence.
"Any child, even in divorce, will take on some of the responsibility," Gilbert added.
To avoid their feelings of helplessness, Gilbert said children will often retreat. She noted they sometimes try to hide when the violence occurs or listen to music so they don't have to listen to the fighting.
Children who live with domestic violence also have trouble in school, notes Gilbert. Although school feels like a safe place for these children, they become distracted as they worry about their mother.
Gilbert said domestic violence is not always physical. Verbal or emotional abuse in a relationship can be just as bad. In fact, victims often tell Gilbert that emotional abuse is worse than physical.
In order to break the cycle of domestic violence, children often need lots of counseling and exposure to positive role models. Gilbert said these children need to learn what a positive relationship looks like.
In some cases, children are able to break the cycle on their own when they become adults. However, most need some type of help. Gilbert notes that they can get that help through facilities like the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program of North Platte which offers a 24-hour crisis phone line, emergency shelter and support groups for women and children.
If you are in any way being affected by domestic violence or emotional abuse, don't hesitate to seek out help within your community. And be sure to make counseling available to your children, as well. The sooner you get a handle on this type of dysfunctional behavior within your family structure, the better for both you and your children. Help is out there. You can start by doing a community search on the Internet under the keywords, Domestic Violence or Domestic Abuse.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All Rights Reserved
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
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