Domestic Violence Dramatically Influences Children - Emotional Abuse, too!

Domestic Violence Dramatically Influences Children - Emotional Abuse, too!
John Lindenberger, a reporter for the North Platte Telegraph in Nebraska, has a sad tale to tell.
It's based on a very sobering message: When children are exposed to domestic violence in the home, they often mimic the behavior they see.

In a nutshell, writes Lindenberger, "This means the boys often grow up to become abusers, and the girls grow up to marry them."

He quotes Jeanie Gilbert, executive director of the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program in North Platte who has been working with victims of domestic violence for 12 years. "Domestic violence is a learned behavior," says Gilbert. She explains that "children in these situations become desensitized to the violence, and they often begin to mimic their gender role at a young age." While this is not always the case, she said it is true the majority of the time.

This article was written as a result of a murder trial in the region. Lindenberger notes that the accused was characterized as a teenager locked into a cycle of abuse who saw her mother battered by two men and later became involved in an abusive relationship herself with a man.

The reporter notes that "in the 2003-04 fiscal year, nearly 2,400 children and youth came to Nebraska's network of domestic violence and sexual assault programs. More than 1,300 stayed in a shelter with their mothers to escape violence in the home." It is very likely that similar statistics are a reality in municipalities throughout the United States and other nations around the world.

According to Gilbert, when children witness domestic violence happening in their home, they experience a wide range of emotions, including fear. She said the children become afraid for their mother as well as themselves.

Lindenberger' article goes on to explain that "This fear can become crippling and leave a child with feelings of helplessness and despair." In addition, according to Gilbert, children often feel guilty and perhaps even responsible for the violence.

"Any child, even in divorce, will take on some of the responsibility," Gilbert added.

To avoid their feelings of helplessness, Gilbert said children will often retreat. She noted they sometimes try to hide when the violence occurs or listen to music so they don't have to listen to the fighting.

Children who live with domestic violence also have trouble in school, notes Gilbert. Although school feels like a safe place for these children, they become distracted as they worry about their mother.

Gilbert said domestic violence is not always physical. Verbal or emotional abuse in a relationship can be just as bad. In fact, victims often tell Gilbert that emotional abuse is worse than physical.

In order to break the cycle of domestic violence, children often need lots of counseling and exposure to positive role models. Gilbert said these children need to learn what a positive relationship looks like.

In some cases, children are able to break the cycle on their own when they become adults. However, most need some type of help. Gilbert notes that they can get that help through facilities like the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program of North Platte which offers a 24-hour crisis phone line, emergency shelter and support groups for women and children.

If you are in any way being affected by domestic violence or emotional abuse, don't hesitate to seek out help within your community. And be sure to make counseling available to your children, as well. The sooner you get a handle on this type of dysfunctional behavior within your family structure, the better for both you and your children. Help is out there. You can start by doing a community search on the Internet under the keywords, Domestic Violence or Domestic Abuse.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All Rights Reserved


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