Connection is your secret weapon in raising happy, cooperative kids.
It's the glue that holds families together, that binds us over the years and across the miles, that gets us through the hard times. If you're working so hard you can't relax and take delight in your kids, you're missing out on the grease that smooths the rough interactions of everyday life -- and the honey that makes it all worth it.
Children NEED to feel a solid bond with parents who delight in them, just like they need food. That bond is what allows kids to learn so quickly, to risk bumps, scrapes and hurt feelings -- the security of knowing that someone who adores them is watching out for them. Kids naturally want to please those who love them, and when they don't feel a strong adoring adult presence in their lives, they don't behave.
And if we don't cement a close connection before our kids are twelve, they turn elsewhere to bond. It's not too late after that -- and connecting is still critical -- but it's a lot harder to get teens to let us in.
That’s why all parents need to reconnect with their children daily, just to repair the erosion created by life’s normal distractions. When you recollect your child physically into your orbit, focus on recollecting them emotionally as well. Effective parenting is almost impossible until the positive connection with your child has been re-established, so think of this as preventive maintenance, before there’s a problem.
Here's how:
1. Remember that quality time is about connection, so it’s mostly unstructured. Forget about teaching. Just be fully present with your child. Relax, reflect, play, love. Think of quality time as your kid's time, and follow his or her lead......(Click to Keep reading)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
TEEN FREEDOM, SOONER
Mark Gregston
To show your teenager you’re really on their side, begin talking about ways to give them more freedoms.
Periodically talk to your teen about ways for them to gain more freedom and independence, right along with more responsibilities. They’ll welcome the challenge, and you’ll also be able to share the boundaries and consequences for stepping over the line. If you just can’t give up control of some areas now, tell them to show their trustworthiness by working on those areas first. That will also keep them accountable.
It may not feel like it’s time to begin loosening the reins at age 13 or 14, but if done right and with clear boundaries, it is better to do it a little early than too late.
Proper Response to Teen Rulebreaking
By Mark Gregston
When a teen breaks the rules, they need a responsible adult to respond, not react. To respond is to offer calmness, honesty, love, grace and support while seeking to correct the misbehavior. However, to react is to become emotional, angry, hurt, quick to judge, and often harsh.
Knee-jerk reactions are almost always counterproductive. We have all done it. Our teen comes home two hours past curfew. We have been waiting up, worrying about all the possible horrible reasons for him being late; we’re an emotional wreck at this point. Then he calmly waltzes in, and ignores us sitting in the chair. That does it! Our brain seems to turn off. We feel disrespected and start yelling. “Where have you been?” “I’ve been waiting up for hours.” “How dare you!”
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Reacting to your teen will probably never give you the change you intended or wanted. Responding properly can be difficult and takes lots of practice. Counting to ten is good, but then what? Parents of teens must learn to stop their mouths, think about needs to be done, and only then should they speak or act. So, “Stop, Think, Act” is the plan.
You cannot ignore or overlook inappropriate behavior. You must respond based on what you know is true – your faith, your own beliefs, and what you know is best for your child. You might be dealing with just an ice cube, or you might have just touched on the tip of the iceberg of what’s going on in your teen’s life, so don’t burn bridges with harsh reactions.
Stand your ground concerning the boundaries, and follow through on consequences, but strive to get through it all with your relationship intact. Then your teen will learn to respect the healthy boundaries you’ve put into place in his life, and in the future will continue to come to you whenever he is struggling.
An “ounce of prevention” is spending time with your teen on a regular basis rather than force-feeding a “pound of cure” when issues arise.
In fact, take advantage of the “opportunity” before you to deepen your relationship. For instance, set up a weekly breakfast or dinner with just him. Be sure to mostly listen, not talk. Begin and end your discussion with making sure he understands that there is nothing he can do to make you love him more, and there’s nothing he can do to make you love him less. Don’t be afraid to ask him the hard questions. Your goal should be to establish a solid relationship and to encourage ongoing discussions; as a result, other things he is struggling with will be revealed.
What I’ve found is that most kids who appear to be spinning out of control are really good kids that are just making some poor choices. Poor because their actions will take them to a place where they don’t want to end up.
If this describes recent happenings with your teen, I’m sure that you’ll get over this “bump in the road.” And one day you’ll thank God for not only getting you through it, but allowing you to endure it to the point of producing a new depth of relationship with your child.
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
To show your teenager you’re really on their side, begin talking about ways to give them more freedoms.
Periodically talk to your teen about ways for them to gain more freedom and independence, right along with more responsibilities. They’ll welcome the challenge, and you’ll also be able to share the boundaries and consequences for stepping over the line. If you just can’t give up control of some areas now, tell them to show their trustworthiness by working on those areas first. That will also keep them accountable.
It may not feel like it’s time to begin loosening the reins at age 13 or 14, but if done right and with clear boundaries, it is better to do it a little early than too late.
Proper Response to Teen Rulebreaking
By Mark Gregston
When a teen breaks the rules, they need a responsible adult to respond, not react. To respond is to offer calmness, honesty, love, grace and support while seeking to correct the misbehavior. However, to react is to become emotional, angry, hurt, quick to judge, and often harsh.
Knee-jerk reactions are almost always counterproductive. We have all done it. Our teen comes home two hours past curfew. We have been waiting up, worrying about all the possible horrible reasons for him being late; we’re an emotional wreck at this point. Then he calmly waltzes in, and ignores us sitting in the chair. That does it! Our brain seems to turn off. We feel disrespected and start yelling. “Where have you been?” “I’ve been waiting up for hours.” “How dare you!”
Parent Survival Kit
40% off helpful resources
Parent Survival Kit
Our parent help library!
Mark’s most popular resources for parents.
LEARN MORE >>
Reacting to your teen will probably never give you the change you intended or wanted. Responding properly can be difficult and takes lots of practice. Counting to ten is good, but then what? Parents of teens must learn to stop their mouths, think about needs to be done, and only then should they speak or act. So, “Stop, Think, Act” is the plan.
You cannot ignore or overlook inappropriate behavior. You must respond based on what you know is true – your faith, your own beliefs, and what you know is best for your child. You might be dealing with just an ice cube, or you might have just touched on the tip of the iceberg of what’s going on in your teen’s life, so don’t burn bridges with harsh reactions.
Stand your ground concerning the boundaries, and follow through on consequences, but strive to get through it all with your relationship intact. Then your teen will learn to respect the healthy boundaries you’ve put into place in his life, and in the future will continue to come to you whenever he is struggling.
An “ounce of prevention” is spending time with your teen on a regular basis rather than force-feeding a “pound of cure” when issues arise.
In fact, take advantage of the “opportunity” before you to deepen your relationship. For instance, set up a weekly breakfast or dinner with just him. Be sure to mostly listen, not talk. Begin and end your discussion with making sure he understands that there is nothing he can do to make you love him more, and there’s nothing he can do to make you love him less. Don’t be afraid to ask him the hard questions. Your goal should be to establish a solid relationship and to encourage ongoing discussions; as a result, other things he is struggling with will be revealed.
What I’ve found is that most kids who appear to be spinning out of control are really good kids that are just making some poor choices. Poor because their actions will take them to a place where they don’t want to end up.
If this describes recent happenings with your teen, I’m sure that you’ll get over this “bump in the road.” And one day you’ll thank God for not only getting you through it, but allowing you to endure it to the point of producing a new depth of relationship with your child.
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Friday, January 22, 2010
Fixing Parental Mistakes
Parents can sometimes make mistakes in what they say or do, and like large stones thrown into a pond, their actions ripple out and can cause rebellion in the life of their teenager.
A rebellious teen can be seething with anger, and the key to changing their unacceptable behavior is to get to the root of that anger. But it’s sometimes the parents’ own cutting words, actions, or even their inaction, that are the catalyst for their teen’s anger. In that case, improvements usually won’t come about until the parents accept responsibility and sincerely apologize to the teen.
When you know you’ve wronged your teen, saying “I’m sorry” can calm the ripples your mistake has made in your teen’s life and reverse their rebellious behavior.
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
A rebellious teen can be seething with anger, and the key to changing their unacceptable behavior is to get to the root of that anger. But it’s sometimes the parents’ own cutting words, actions, or even their inaction, that are the catalyst for their teen’s anger. In that case, improvements usually won’t come about until the parents accept responsibility and sincerely apologize to the teen.
When you know you’ve wronged your teen, saying “I’m sorry” can calm the ripples your mistake has made in your teen’s life and reverse their rebellious behavior.
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Ask Your Teen Lots Of Questions!!
By Mark Gregston
If parents asked more questions of teens, problems wouldn’t escalate into disasters.
I have found that parents don’t ask enough questions. Perhaps that’s because they just don’t believe that babysitters, relatives, step-children or even teachers will abuse their child. And they don’t think their teenager will ever use drugs, become sexually involved, think of suicide or shoplift. But wise parents understand that these can happen, and they are always on the lookout.
The power of asking questions is amazing. So get the conversation going by asking, “What’s the best thing that happened to you today?” Then, “What’s the worst?” And give your teen your undivided attention a few minutes every day, constantly assuring them that they can always express themselves freely to you about anything.
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
If parents asked more questions of teens, problems wouldn’t escalate into disasters.
I have found that parents don’t ask enough questions. Perhaps that’s because they just don’t believe that babysitters, relatives, step-children or even teachers will abuse their child. And they don’t think their teenager will ever use drugs, become sexually involved, think of suicide or shoplift. But wise parents understand that these can happen, and they are always on the lookout.
The power of asking questions is amazing. So get the conversation going by asking, “What’s the best thing that happened to you today?” Then, “What’s the worst?” And give your teen your undivided attention a few minutes every day, constantly assuring them that they can always express themselves freely to you about anything.
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Is Your Discipline Raising the Child You Want?
What kind of kid do you want to raise? Happy, responsible, considerate, respectful, honest -- whether 6 or 16? Your chances of that go way up if you never punish your child. That means no spanking, no timeouts, no yelling, no contrived consequences. Really. No punishment.
The dirty little secret about punishment is that it doesn't help kids learn to behave. Studies show that ALL punishment makes kids feel worse about themselves and act worse. If punishment helped kids become more self disciplined and behave better, you'd only have to do it once.
Punishment is also associated with lying. Kids who aren't punished don't lie to their parents, because they don't need to -- and the relationship is too important to them.
So why do we punish? We think we should. It alleviates our own frustration. It makes us feel less powerless. We're afraid we don't have any other way to coax good behavior out of our kids.
But children who are guided (which is what the word discipline means) and treated respectfully are better behaved and happier. Yes, of course, there are expectations for behavior. But no need to punish. These kids WANT to behave.
So how can you help kids behave without punishment?
1. Lead by loving example. That means doing whatever you need to so you can manage your own unruly emotions and speak respectfully to your child.
2. Stay connected, even while you guide, so your child wants to please you. When they feel they can't please us, kids harden their hearts to us. So by all means set limits, but set them with empathy: “You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit. Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel."
4. Address the needs that are motivating the misbehavior. All human behavior springs from the attempt to meet a legitimate need. Address the need and you change the behavior.
5. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us. If your child ignores your guidance, it means your relationship isn't strong enough to support the teaching. Back off and focus on rebuilding a close connection.
6. Redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“We don't throw balls in the house. You can throw the ball outside”)....
A recent newsletter included the article "10 Commitments You Can Make to Become a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!" A number of readers wrote asking me to cover each of these commitments in more detail, which we've been doing in the Daily Inspirations. The article above is Commitment #7.
The dirty little secret about punishment is that it doesn't help kids learn to behave. Studies show that ALL punishment makes kids feel worse about themselves and act worse. If punishment helped kids become more self disciplined and behave better, you'd only have to do it once.
Punishment is also associated with lying. Kids who aren't punished don't lie to their parents, because they don't need to -- and the relationship is too important to them.
So why do we punish? We think we should. It alleviates our own frustration. It makes us feel less powerless. We're afraid we don't have any other way to coax good behavior out of our kids.
But children who are guided (which is what the word discipline means) and treated respectfully are better behaved and happier. Yes, of course, there are expectations for behavior. But no need to punish. These kids WANT to behave.
So how can you help kids behave without punishment?
1. Lead by loving example. That means doing whatever you need to so you can manage your own unruly emotions and speak respectfully to your child.
2. Stay connected, even while you guide, so your child wants to please you. When they feel they can't please us, kids harden their hearts to us. So by all means set limits, but set them with empathy: “You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit. Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel."
4. Address the needs that are motivating the misbehavior. All human behavior springs from the attempt to meet a legitimate need. Address the need and you change the behavior.
5. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us. If your child ignores your guidance, it means your relationship isn't strong enough to support the teaching. Back off and focus on rebuilding a close connection.
6. Redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“We don't throw balls in the house. You can throw the ball outside”)....
A recent newsletter included the article "10 Commitments You Can Make to Become a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!" A number of readers wrote asking me to cover each of these commitments in more detail, which we've been doing in the Daily Inspirations. The article above is Commitment #7.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Tips For Succesfull Co-Parenting
In addition to basic parenting issues, the couple must somehow find a way to do what was probably a challenge in their relationship: communicate clearly and effectively with each other. Working together is essential to the success of a co-parenting arrangement. It may be hard to work through your communication issues, but everyone will benefit if you do.
Other aspects of co-parenting are the same as parenting in one household:
Be respectful of your ex spouse.
Resolve conflicts and discuss major issues privately, not in front of the children.
Don’t confide, complain or grumble about your ex to your kids – you need family, friends or a therapist for that role.
Don’t use your kids as messengers between you and the other parent.
Assure your kids that both parents will listen to feelings and address needs cooperatively.
Other aspects of co-parenting are the same as parenting in one household:
Be respectful of your ex spouse.
Resolve conflicts and discuss major issues privately, not in front of the children.
Don’t confide, complain or grumble about your ex to your kids – you need family, friends or a therapist for that role.
Don’t use your kids as messengers between you and the other parent.
Assure your kids that both parents will listen to feelings and address needs cooperatively.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Divorce Parents Are Still Parents
Divorced parenting presents the former spouses with all manner of challenges that intact couples do not have to face. One of the most significant is that after a divorce, both former spouses must remember that in their dealings with each other, both of them are still equally the parents of their children.
Today, courts are very open to custody arrangements that cooperative parents negotiate, but if custody is disputed, very often the mother ends up as the custodial parent receiving child support and the father becomes the noncustodial parent paying it, and he visits his children under the terms and conditions of a schedule. This routine, though admittedly not perfect, permits both parents to be actively involved in the lives of their children.
However, what frequently happens is that the noncustodial father, even one who demonstrates good faith with prompt payment of child support, slowly drifts out the lives of his children. Moreover, the divorced father who remarries and has a second family with a new wife may move toward the vanishing point in the lives of his children from earlier marriage. When Dad drifts from the picture — for example, missing promised outings with his children or not showing up for school events — children frequently blame themselves.
Judges, social workers, family counselors, custody evaluators — all stress the need for both mother and father to be active parents of their children, who suffer terribly in the divorce of their parents and who frequently fantasize about their reunification.
Among the many reason to make a heroic effort to avoid a divorce war is that when the marriage is over, divorce parents must still work together to be good parents. By the same token, former spouses who continue the war after the peace treaty has been signed — that is, those who continue to fight with their former spouses about, for example, returning the children a few minutes late — make effective parenting very difficult.
Admittedly, divorce parenting is difficult. The noncustodial father is not physically present much of the time and thus he misses many of his children’s best moments because they happen spontaneously. And the custodial mother may become overburdened because she and she alone is with them all the time. However, this actually underscores the truth of divorced parenting: both parents are still equally the parents of their children.
Today, courts are very open to custody arrangements that cooperative parents negotiate, but if custody is disputed, very often the mother ends up as the custodial parent receiving child support and the father becomes the noncustodial parent paying it, and he visits his children under the terms and conditions of a schedule. This routine, though admittedly not perfect, permits both parents to be actively involved in the lives of their children.
However, what frequently happens is that the noncustodial father, even one who demonstrates good faith with prompt payment of child support, slowly drifts out the lives of his children. Moreover, the divorced father who remarries and has a second family with a new wife may move toward the vanishing point in the lives of his children from earlier marriage. When Dad drifts from the picture — for example, missing promised outings with his children or not showing up for school events — children frequently blame themselves.
Judges, social workers, family counselors, custody evaluators — all stress the need for both mother and father to be active parents of their children, who suffer terribly in the divorce of their parents and who frequently fantasize about their reunification.
Among the many reason to make a heroic effort to avoid a divorce war is that when the marriage is over, divorce parents must still work together to be good parents. By the same token, former spouses who continue the war after the peace treaty has been signed — that is, those who continue to fight with their former spouses about, for example, returning the children a few minutes late — make effective parenting very difficult.
Admittedly, divorce parenting is difficult. The noncustodial father is not physically present much of the time and thus he misses many of his children’s best moments because they happen spontaneously. And the custodial mother may become overburdened because she and she alone is with them all the time. However, this actually underscores the truth of divorced parenting: both parents are still equally the parents of their children.
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