Advice for Co-Parents and Single Parents After Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
A friend of mine, Nancy Michaels, a women I respect in many ways, shared a personal story in one of her blog posts:
At the lowest period in my life about three years ago, after a painful separation from my husband, a life-threatening illness, custody loss of my children, and having to return to my parents' home for them to take care of me - my father said this on a particularly bad day, "Nancy, the only thing you have to do today is get better. Don't worry about anything else."
As simple as those two sentences are, it was exactly what I needed to hear and I started feeling grateful that that truly was my one and only responsibility. If I got better, the rest would fall in place. Thankfully, it has, Dad.
I know Nancy is not alone. There are days - yes, weeks and months - when life can seem awfully low. Often overbearing. The weight can seem just too much to carry. Life changes related to divorce frequently play a part in these circumstances. And when you're a parent at the same time ... well, you know how it feels!
Just know, as well, that you're not alone. Parenting is tough for everyone, even under the best of circumstances. Parenting through and beyond divorce takes enormous focus and a continuous need for compassion, both for yourself and your children. If you take it day by day, you will find the strength and even the wisdom to make decisions that tap into your innate wisdom and love for your children.
But it's also essential to parent and nurture yourself at the same time. Take a tip from the airlines when they instruct you to put your oxygen mask on first before providing oxygen to your children. You need to be alert and functioning well before you can make decisions on behalf of the children who matter so deeply to you.
So get the help you need to recharge, de-stress and unwind from time to time. Share your frustrations with a caring friend or a compassionate counselor who specializes in divorce issues. Join a support group for divorced Moms or Dads. Reach out to churches or other spiritual resources that empower you. Treat yourself to a massage, concert, evening out, weekend away from the kids or other activity that energizes your psyche.
Don't suffer or brood alone. We all need help, support and encouragement from an outside source that we respect. We can't always give it to ourselves - but we can and must let others know when we need a shoulder to cry on, a babysitter for an occasional indulgence or a team of reinforcement when the burden of moving on feels too heavy.
And keep my friend Nancy's advice in mind. Sometimes all you need is to take care of yourself for a day - and you'll have the clearer perspective you need to make sound decisions on behalf of your children. Whether you're a divorced co-parent or single parent, remember your first obligation is to parent yourself with loving compassion. Your family will thank you!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, coaching, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Divorce Poll Results for Boomers Shows Need for Coping & Communication Skills
Divorce Poll Results for Boomers Shows Need for Coping & Communication Skills
A first-of-its-kind national poll to determine if a consensus exists about how divorced baby boomers are holding up was conducted by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center].
Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.
1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?
Results: Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).
The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people's lives.
Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:
• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.
While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own" and "not growing old with my husband."
While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."
Methodology
During May 2009 the poll was available to both men and women baby boomers on National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center](TM) websites. To achieve maximum participation the poll was also published on: Menopauserus.com , WrightMinded.com, Wise Heart Coaching, Cyber Hot Flash, the National Association of Baby Boomer Women , Kalon Women, and sent to more than 30 experts from the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.
About National Association of Divorce for Women and Children The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization. Through her network and ezine questions about divorce and parenting issues are discussed and sound advice is provided to assist families moving through the divorce maze. To learn more, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
A first-of-its-kind national poll to determine if a consensus exists about how divorced baby boomers are holding up was conducted by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center].
Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.
1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?
Results: Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).
The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people's lives.
Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:
• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.
While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own" and "not growing old with my husband."
While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."
Methodology
During May 2009 the poll was available to both men and women baby boomers on National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center](TM) websites. To achieve maximum participation the poll was also published on: Menopauserus.com , WrightMinded.com, Wise Heart Coaching, Cyber Hot Flash, the National Association of Baby Boomer Women , Kalon Women, and sent to more than 30 experts from the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.
About National Association of Divorce for Women and Children The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization. Through her network and ezine questions about divorce and parenting issues are discussed and sound advice is provided to assist families moving through the divorce maze. To learn more, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
A Smart Parenting Plan Your Best Asset When Parenting After Divorce.
A Smart Parenting Plan Your Best Asset When Parenting After Divorce.
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Parenting plans are becoming more and more recognized as the way for both parents to coordinate their parenting, their lives and their relationship with their children after divorce.
In its simplest form a parenting plan puts in writing the agreed upon schedule both parents have created regarding most all parenting arrangements. It outlines the days, times and other details of when, where and how each parent will be with the children along with other agreements both parents will follow in the months and years to come
The purpose of the plans is to determine strategies that are in the children's best interest to create smooth, easy and positive transitions. These plans encourage cooperative co-parenting so that the children feel secure, loved, wanted and nurtured by both of their parents.
Plans can vary in depth and scope. Often they include guidelines for routine residential arrangements as well as special occasions, including holidays, birthday and vacation time.Emergency information, decision-making guidelines, processes for sharing information, relocation procedures and means for resolving disputes can also be spelled out to minimize future conflict and provide consistency for the children.
While parenting plans make excellent tools for the family, keep them flexible so that their purpose doesn't get lost in a maze of too rigid rules. Allow for some fluctuation and reassessments as the family ages and also experiences the day-to-day realities of their living arrangements.
No plan can compensate for irresponsible or negligent parenting. Make sure the time you spend with your children is rewarding for them and reinforces the caring, supportive messages you want your children to remember. Don't try to substitute gifts or excursions for the quality parenting time they value and crave.
Parenting after divorce is all about reassurance, safety and security. Allow your children an adjustment period at the beginning and end of visits as they transition from one home to the other. This is not easy to do for adults. Think of what it must be like for children - regardless of their age.
Be sensitive about how and when to introduce your children to your new adult friends, especially dating partners. Children are very possessive of both parents. They need to feel very secure in your love for them before they can accept another parent figure in their lives. Take your time in this regard. Think before you take steps you will regret.
Whenever possible create a sense of consistency between both homes. Children fare best when Mom and Dad agree on basic parenting issues and don't contradict one another from home to home. If you do have differing rules, talk to your children about the differences, explain your own parenting style, and don't put down their other parent - even if you don't agree with their values. Your children will learn to adapt to differences in their parents if you don't make a big deal about those issues.
Never forget that you will be a parent to your children for the rest of your life - and so will their other parent. Keep that perspective and focus on ways to collaborate and join forces whenever possible. Your children will be the winners in the long term.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca 2009
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Parenting plans are becoming more and more recognized as the way for both parents to coordinate their parenting, their lives and their relationship with their children after divorce.
In its simplest form a parenting plan puts in writing the agreed upon schedule both parents have created regarding most all parenting arrangements. It outlines the days, times and other details of when, where and how each parent will be with the children along with other agreements both parents will follow in the months and years to come
The purpose of the plans is to determine strategies that are in the children's best interest to create smooth, easy and positive transitions. These plans encourage cooperative co-parenting so that the children feel secure, loved, wanted and nurtured by both of their parents.
Plans can vary in depth and scope. Often they include guidelines for routine residential arrangements as well as special occasions, including holidays, birthday and vacation time.Emergency information, decision-making guidelines, processes for sharing information, relocation procedures and means for resolving disputes can also be spelled out to minimize future conflict and provide consistency for the children.
While parenting plans make excellent tools for the family, keep them flexible so that their purpose doesn't get lost in a maze of too rigid rules. Allow for some fluctuation and reassessments as the family ages and also experiences the day-to-day realities of their living arrangements.
No plan can compensate for irresponsible or negligent parenting. Make sure the time you spend with your children is rewarding for them and reinforces the caring, supportive messages you want your children to remember. Don't try to substitute gifts or excursions for the quality parenting time they value and crave.
Parenting after divorce is all about reassurance, safety and security. Allow your children an adjustment period at the beginning and end of visits as they transition from one home to the other. This is not easy to do for adults. Think of what it must be like for children - regardless of their age.
Be sensitive about how and when to introduce your children to your new adult friends, especially dating partners. Children are very possessive of both parents. They need to feel very secure in your love for them before they can accept another parent figure in their lives. Take your time in this regard. Think before you take steps you will regret.
Whenever possible create a sense of consistency between both homes. Children fare best when Mom and Dad agree on basic parenting issues and don't contradict one another from home to home. If you do have differing rules, talk to your children about the differences, explain your own parenting style, and don't put down their other parent - even if you don't agree with their values. Your children will learn to adapt to differences in their parents if you don't make a big deal about those issues.
Never forget that you will be a parent to your children for the rest of your life - and so will their other parent. Keep that perspective and focus on ways to collaborate and join forces whenever possible. Your children will be the winners in the long term.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca 2009
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
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