Does a Child's Gender Affect the Divorce Rate? This Study Says Yes!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
A recent study shows that parents are somewhat more likely to get divorced -- if their first child is a girl! So says an article written by veteran newspaper editor and reporter Don Moore, recently retired from the Port Charlotte, FL Sun-Herald. He talks about a report produced by Dr. Enrico Moretti, an economics professor at the University of California, Berkeley and Dr. Gordon Dahl, professor of economics at the University of California, San Diego.
Their report, "The Demand for Sons," appeared in a recent edition of "The Review of Economic Studies." Your divorce rate increases approximately four percent if you have a daughter as a first child instead of a son," Moretti says.
"We did compare families who had two daughters with families that had two sons. What we discovered was that a couple with two daughters is more likely to have a third child trying to have a son," Moretti explained.
The professor said he didn't believe there is any difference between races, but it's hard to compare divorce rates across races.
He also added that, "Women whose first child is a boy are four percent more likely to remain married than those whose first child is a girl. In general, the better the woman's education, the later the fertility, the lower the divorce rate."
The 50-page study on gender and divorce also found that a first-born daughter is significantly less likely to be living with their father compared to a first-born son.
The three reasons for this conclusion include:
1. Women who have daughters first are less likely to be married.
2. Parents with first born daughters are more likely to be divorced.
3. Fathers are more likely to obtain custody of a son than a daughter.
"The effect is quantitatively substantial, accounting for a 3.1 percent lower probability of a resident father for families with a first-born girl. We estimate that in any given year (in the U.S.) roughly 52,000 first-born daughters under the age of 12 would have had a resident father if they had been boys," the report says.
The article says there are other statistical differences caused by families with first-born daughters. These families have lower incomes and higher poverty rates. "For children in families with an absentee father due to the first-born daughter effect, family income is reduced by 50 percent and the chances of poverty are increased by 34 percent. Notably, children whose first-born sibling is a girl have lower educational achievement," the study indicates.
Professor Alan Booth, a professor of sociology, human development and demography at Pennsylvania State University, generally agreed with most of Moretti's and Dahl's findings. "I know this to be true. Families that have a boy as a first child are more likely to stay together than if their first child is a female," Professor Booth said. "Gender bias in the U.S. favors boys."
According to Dr. Booth, one of the reasons married couples prefer boys in the U.S. is that when they grow up they are more likely to make more money than girls. Another factor affecting economics is that couples whose first two children are girls are more likely to have a third child than if they have two boys.
This may come as a surprise to many of us who thought that gender bias on this level was unlikely in America. Dr. Booth does go on to say, "More recently the gender preference in the U.S. is beginning to be more positive for girls. This is because there are more women in the labor force today, women are more independent today than they once were, and women's attitudes are less traditional and there are also other factors involved."
I don't know if any of these statistics are relevant to the divorces of any of my readers. But I thought I'd share this as a point for conversation and introspection. Would your marital circumstances be any different today had your children been of a different gender? Would your relationship have been different? What about your financial circumstances? Something to contemplate.
As always, I welcome your feedback.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca,CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! which can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Her free articles and ezine are available at www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Copyright Rosalind Sedacca 2009
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Forgiveness can be a valuable gift in your Divorce
Forgiveness can be a valuable gift in your Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
One of the consequences of a difficult divorce is being left with negative emotions about the experience. Many people struggle with long-term anger, bitterness, revenge and/or rage following a divorce that they either can't, or choose not to release.
Are you angry or bitter because you feel wronged by your former spouse? Do you feel a need to get revenge - or hurt them back? Do you hold grudges? Is the joy in your life affected by carrying the burden of these emotions? Are you suffering from any health issues that just don't seem to go away?
In a Union Tribune article titled, "The Healing Power of Forgiveness," Sandi Dolbee writes, "Researchers are studying the health benefits of forgiveness and generally define it as the process of letting go of the pain, anger and resentment caused by an offense."
"People who learn to forgive seem to have fewer cardiovascular problems and stress-related ailments, and generally feel happier than those still holding a grudge."
"The journal of Mental Health, Religion and Culture reported that people who forgave had decreased odds of depression -- women more so than men. Another study published this year found that men generally have a harder time forgiving than women."
"Forgiving does not mean excusing, forgetting or pretending that an offense never occurred. Instead, it is about letting go of the bitter, grudging, vengeful feelings."
"Not being able to forgive elevates stress and tension, and that affects the immune system. There have been many studies that say our mental health affects our physical health."
Today is a good day for you to explore the positive effect forgiveness can have in your life. Is your mental and physical health being hampered by holding on to anger, resentment and other negative emotions? Are you tired of harboring the weight of this constant burden? Would it be easier for you - and much better for your children -- to forgive, knowing that your health and life are at risk?
Remember, we don't forgive for the sake of the other person. We forgive for our own selves. It's a gift we give to our self because we deserve more peace, joy and happiness in our daily experiences. If you need help in seeing or understanding the "Gift" of forgiveness, contact a counselor, divorce coach or member of the clergy to talk about your challenges in confidence. You won't regret it.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles, resources and free ezine, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
One of the consequences of a difficult divorce is being left with negative emotions about the experience. Many people struggle with long-term anger, bitterness, revenge and/or rage following a divorce that they either can't, or choose not to release.
Are you angry or bitter because you feel wronged by your former spouse? Do you feel a need to get revenge - or hurt them back? Do you hold grudges? Is the joy in your life affected by carrying the burden of these emotions? Are you suffering from any health issues that just don't seem to go away?
In a Union Tribune article titled, "The Healing Power of Forgiveness," Sandi Dolbee writes, "Researchers are studying the health benefits of forgiveness and generally define it as the process of letting go of the pain, anger and resentment caused by an offense."
"People who learn to forgive seem to have fewer cardiovascular problems and stress-related ailments, and generally feel happier than those still holding a grudge."
"The journal of Mental Health, Religion and Culture reported that people who forgave had decreased odds of depression -- women more so than men. Another study published this year found that men generally have a harder time forgiving than women."
"Forgiving does not mean excusing, forgetting or pretending that an offense never occurred. Instead, it is about letting go of the bitter, grudging, vengeful feelings."
"Not being able to forgive elevates stress and tension, and that affects the immune system. There have been many studies that say our mental health affects our physical health."
Today is a good day for you to explore the positive effect forgiveness can have in your life. Is your mental and physical health being hampered by holding on to anger, resentment and other negative emotions? Are you tired of harboring the weight of this constant burden? Would it be easier for you - and much better for your children -- to forgive, knowing that your health and life are at risk?
Remember, we don't forgive for the sake of the other person. We forgive for our own selves. It's a gift we give to our self because we deserve more peace, joy and happiness in our daily experiences. If you need help in seeing or understanding the "Gift" of forgiveness, contact a counselor, divorce coach or member of the clergy to talk about your challenges in confidence. You won't regret it.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles, resources and free ezine, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Peaceful Divorce Tips for Caring Parents
Peaceful Divorce Tips for Caring Parents
Krista Barth, Esq., a colleague in the campaign to make divorce more peaceful, has provided this valuable message about how to create and maintain a peaceful divorce when you are a parent.
As a divorce attorney who has been through it myself, a peaceful divorce starts when people do the following:
1. Accept the part you each played in the failure of the marriage (even if the only fault was "picking the wrong partner for your needs.")
2. Lower your expectations of each other; after all, if your spouse didn't do certain things WHILE you were married, don't expect it now. You will only be disappointed and frustrated.
3. Remember, once upon a time you loved this person. What was it you loved? Especially when there are children involved, let whatever you loved the most be your mantra when speaking of your spouse. No exceptions to this rule, as children have big ears. As my mother would say, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!
4. Don't let the lawyers create unnecessary hostility. You are the one who controls the process. How you handle your divorce and treat your spouse and children will have long-lasting ramifications. Do you want to sit on the same side of the room when your child gets married?
5. Find happiness, move on and allow your spouse to do the same. As for new spouses, remember children don't suffer from too many people loving them and you would rather have the new spouse/partner in the game than watching from the sidelines. Family is what you make of it. It takes a village, as they say.
6. Remember your priorities. Love your children more than you dislike your spouse and act accordingly.
7. Remember litigation is a luxury, not a necessity. Fighting is expensive. Letters back and forth over what little Johnny had for lunch are a waste of resources. The money you spend could pay for something really important like your children's education instead of a new car for your lawyer!
8. Realize no one knows your children better than you and your spouse. Do you really want a stranger deciding their future and yours? It is the biggest gamble you will ever take.
9. Choose your battles; there will be disagreements, just as if you were still together. Talk them out and realize communication is important even though you are not together anymore, maybe more so.
10. Remember, life is short, how much of it do you want to spend rehashing the past. Forgive each other and you will have a (mostly) peaceful divorce. I do!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Krista Barth, Esq., a colleague in the campaign to make divorce more peaceful, has provided this valuable message about how to create and maintain a peaceful divorce when you are a parent.
As a divorce attorney who has been through it myself, a peaceful divorce starts when people do the following:
1. Accept the part you each played in the failure of the marriage (even if the only fault was "picking the wrong partner for your needs.")
2. Lower your expectations of each other; after all, if your spouse didn't do certain things WHILE you were married, don't expect it now. You will only be disappointed and frustrated.
3. Remember, once upon a time you loved this person. What was it you loved? Especially when there are children involved, let whatever you loved the most be your mantra when speaking of your spouse. No exceptions to this rule, as children have big ears. As my mother would say, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!
4. Don't let the lawyers create unnecessary hostility. You are the one who controls the process. How you handle your divorce and treat your spouse and children will have long-lasting ramifications. Do you want to sit on the same side of the room when your child gets married?
5. Find happiness, move on and allow your spouse to do the same. As for new spouses, remember children don't suffer from too many people loving them and you would rather have the new spouse/partner in the game than watching from the sidelines. Family is what you make of it. It takes a village, as they say.
6. Remember your priorities. Love your children more than you dislike your spouse and act accordingly.
7. Remember litigation is a luxury, not a necessity. Fighting is expensive. Letters back and forth over what little Johnny had for lunch are a waste of resources. The money you spend could pay for something really important like your children's education instead of a new car for your lawyer!
8. Realize no one knows your children better than you and your spouse. Do you really want a stranger deciding their future and yours? It is the biggest gamble you will ever take.
9. Choose your battles; there will be disagreements, just as if you were still together. Talk them out and realize communication is important even though you are not together anymore, maybe more so.
10. Remember, life is short, how much of it do you want to spend rehashing the past. Forgive each other and you will have a (mostly) peaceful divorce. I do!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Single Parent Dating After Divorce: Myths versus Reality
Single Parent Dating After Divorce: Myths versus Reality
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW is a Certified Stepfamily Coach and a Licensed Relationship Coach who is the founder of The Step and Blended Family Institute. Whether you are currently dating after divorce, or just contemplating what that might look like at some point in the future, this is a good article to read and heed.
The challenges of dating when you already have children are countless. The myths that couples experience in step dating are also not unlike the ones experienced in step families. And therefore having good information, fact not fiction, about what you can and should expect, is even more important.
Instead of the couple enjoying the luxury of concentrating solely on each other, they have to nurture their new relationship while balancing time with kids who may be transitioning between households. They have to figure out the relationship dynamics with the kids, and be aware of the multiple missteps and pitfalls that can derail the new dating relationship.
And most importantly, they have to understand that the success and sustainability of a new dating relationship is dependent on having realistic expectations, being flexible as the relationship evolves, being proactive about the challenges and understanding myth expectations versus reality.
Some of the Common Myths that Impact on Single Parents Dating are:
1. Myth Expectation: We should love each other's children as much as we love each other. And/or we should love our partner's children as we would our own.
Reality: Just because dating single parents develop a close and loving relationship, it doesn't mean that they will instantly or ever love each other's children. Relationships take time and when kids are less than impressed when a parent starts to date, this can slow the process of becoming close and connected. Over time, as friendship and trust grow, a deeper relationship may develop between a partner and the kids, but understand it can't be manufactured just because the parents have great chemistry. Love for the kids may follow and when it does it's a huge bonus, but it should not be a condition for the adult relationship. In lieu of love, dating partners, can care for the well-being of their partner's children, and have respect for what is in their best interests. This creates a much more solid foundation for the success of the relationship and the well-being of the children involved, than the perceived need for love.
2. Myth Expectation: We'll be one big happy family, like the Brady Bunch, if we spend a lot of time together.
Reality: Kids need time to adjust to a new dating relationship and the worst thing is to throw them immediately or constantly into the mix. They may feel insecure, displaced or even threatened by the loss of time and attention because of a new love interest, so it's important to spend time alone with them and maintain the security of consistency around their schedule at home. Slowly introduce a new partner and gradually spend time together, being aware of the child's comfort level. There are distinct stages of development in transitioning into a new relationship and they are different for everyone; kids especially need to move slowly. Remember, they are not usually on the same emotional time table as the couple is.
3. Myth Expectation: We need to be equal partners in co-parenting our kids.
Reality: The biological parent has the singular job of disciplining and the dating partner should act only as a friend, assuming the role of coach or mentor. It's acceptable to emotionally support a dating partner in their parenting role, but taking an active part in disciplining a partner's kids is guaranteed to inspire resistance in the child, and ultimately resentment between dating partners. It should be avoided at all costs. The issue of children and discipline should be discussed early on so there is no confusion about who is in the parental role. Most often people don't talk about these issues and just hope things will go well; but this is a recipe for disaster and can create even more confusion for the child(ren) involved.
4. Myth Expectation: Our deep love for each other and devotion to the relationship will take care of any challenges we come up against.
Reality: Single parents dating with kids in the mix face a multitude of challenges on many different levels. Although it's romantic to believe that problems and issues will work themselves out because of the power of love, the reality is the more informed couples are, the more prepared they will be to deal with inevitable hiccups. Being aware of issues, understanding the reality of myths, knowing what to anticipate and how to take action is a more effective relationship insurance policy than depending solely on the magic of love. Love is undeniably an important aspect of any relationship, but awareness, acceptance, commitment and the willingness to take the time necessary to get to know each other and to begin to appreciate what is required in a relationship that involves children, are absolutely critical ingredients for success.
The dating myths that single parents and singles face when children are in the mix, are but one aspect of dating after divorce. Having a reality check goes a long way towards debunking these and other myths and is an important first step in establishing more realistic expectations for your step dating relationships. As two people vision how they see things evolving over time and set realistic and developmentally appropriate expectations, they will be taking the first steps in creating happy, healthy and sustainable relationships that are good for everyone involved.
* * *
Yvonne Kelly coaches step dating couples with children, offers Remarriage Preparation and coaches existing stepfamilies to achieve success. To learn more about how to safeguard your step go to: http://www.stepinstitute.ca
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more details, her free ezine, articles, coaching services and other resources visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW is a Certified Stepfamily Coach and a Licensed Relationship Coach who is the founder of The Step and Blended Family Institute. Whether you are currently dating after divorce, or just contemplating what that might look like at some point in the future, this is a good article to read and heed.
The challenges of dating when you already have children are countless. The myths that couples experience in step dating are also not unlike the ones experienced in step families. And therefore having good information, fact not fiction, about what you can and should expect, is even more important.
Instead of the couple enjoying the luxury of concentrating solely on each other, they have to nurture their new relationship while balancing time with kids who may be transitioning between households. They have to figure out the relationship dynamics with the kids, and be aware of the multiple missteps and pitfalls that can derail the new dating relationship.
And most importantly, they have to understand that the success and sustainability of a new dating relationship is dependent on having realistic expectations, being flexible as the relationship evolves, being proactive about the challenges and understanding myth expectations versus reality.
Some of the Common Myths that Impact on Single Parents Dating are:
1. Myth Expectation: We should love each other's children as much as we love each other. And/or we should love our partner's children as we would our own.
Reality: Just because dating single parents develop a close and loving relationship, it doesn't mean that they will instantly or ever love each other's children. Relationships take time and when kids are less than impressed when a parent starts to date, this can slow the process of becoming close and connected. Over time, as friendship and trust grow, a deeper relationship may develop between a partner and the kids, but understand it can't be manufactured just because the parents have great chemistry. Love for the kids may follow and when it does it's a huge bonus, but it should not be a condition for the adult relationship. In lieu of love, dating partners, can care for the well-being of their partner's children, and have respect for what is in their best interests. This creates a much more solid foundation for the success of the relationship and the well-being of the children involved, than the perceived need for love.
2. Myth Expectation: We'll be one big happy family, like the Brady Bunch, if we spend a lot of time together.
Reality: Kids need time to adjust to a new dating relationship and the worst thing is to throw them immediately or constantly into the mix. They may feel insecure, displaced or even threatened by the loss of time and attention because of a new love interest, so it's important to spend time alone with them and maintain the security of consistency around their schedule at home. Slowly introduce a new partner and gradually spend time together, being aware of the child's comfort level. There are distinct stages of development in transitioning into a new relationship and they are different for everyone; kids especially need to move slowly. Remember, they are not usually on the same emotional time table as the couple is.
3. Myth Expectation: We need to be equal partners in co-parenting our kids.
Reality: The biological parent has the singular job of disciplining and the dating partner should act only as a friend, assuming the role of coach or mentor. It's acceptable to emotionally support a dating partner in their parenting role, but taking an active part in disciplining a partner's kids is guaranteed to inspire resistance in the child, and ultimately resentment between dating partners. It should be avoided at all costs. The issue of children and discipline should be discussed early on so there is no confusion about who is in the parental role. Most often people don't talk about these issues and just hope things will go well; but this is a recipe for disaster and can create even more confusion for the child(ren) involved.
4. Myth Expectation: Our deep love for each other and devotion to the relationship will take care of any challenges we come up against.
Reality: Single parents dating with kids in the mix face a multitude of challenges on many different levels. Although it's romantic to believe that problems and issues will work themselves out because of the power of love, the reality is the more informed couples are, the more prepared they will be to deal with inevitable hiccups. Being aware of issues, understanding the reality of myths, knowing what to anticipate and how to take action is a more effective relationship insurance policy than depending solely on the magic of love. Love is undeniably an important aspect of any relationship, but awareness, acceptance, commitment and the willingness to take the time necessary to get to know each other and to begin to appreciate what is required in a relationship that involves children, are absolutely critical ingredients for success.
The dating myths that single parents and singles face when children are in the mix, are but one aspect of dating after divorce. Having a reality check goes a long way towards debunking these and other myths and is an important first step in establishing more realistic expectations for your step dating relationships. As two people vision how they see things evolving over time and set realistic and developmentally appropriate expectations, they will be taking the first steps in creating happy, healthy and sustainable relationships that are good for everyone involved.
* * *
Yvonne Kelly coaches step dating couples with children, offers Remarriage Preparation and coaches existing stepfamilies to achieve success. To learn more about how to safeguard your step go to: http://www.stepinstitute.ca
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more details, her free ezine, articles, coaching services and other resources visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
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