4 Vital Steps to Help Teens Handle Your Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Many divorcing parents put all their attention on helping their younger children cope while assuming their teenager will understand and adapt. Unfortunately studies have shown that in many cases teens will deal with divorce in more self-destructive and dangerous ways than younger children. Don't be misled by their seeming independence and self-sufficiency. Often, behind that mask lie deep insecurity, anxiety, mistrust and fear.
Typically teens fall into one of two areas of concern - internalizing and isolation or acting out and aggression. Some teens turn inward, hardly talk to you, lose interest in school, start exploring drug or alcohol use and demonstrate a detached, "whatever" type of attitude.
Others start getting defensive, develop angry outbursts, curse and talk back. Pushing you away and "leave me alone" responses or physical reactions such as punching walls or throwing objects can create great tension and fear in the home.
These children need and are craving more attention as well as structure and supervision in their lives. They see the chaos of the divorce as an excuse to express their frustration and repressed anger. How you respond will play a big part in creating more positive outcomes.
Here are four important steps you can take to bring your family closer together during these challenges times:
1. Maintain family routines. Try as much as possible to keep up with school, sports, clubs, curfews and other routines that were part of your teen's life. Having meals and other experiences together helps to cement the bond that we are still a family and care about one another.
2. Reinforce your love. Remind your teen, just like your younger children, that the divorce is in no way their fault or responsibility. Tell them how much you love and value them and that you will always be there for them. Teens are often embarrassed to talk about their feelings. Open the door to conversations and when your teen does talk, be sure to listen rather than lecture.
3. Be a true role model. When you respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally to a challenge you are modeling healthy ways to handle tough situations. This is valuable for your own well-being and demonstrates positive ways of processing your feelings. Above all, never bad-mouth their other parent or confide adult content to your teen. The results are always destructive.
4. Create positive new experiences. Encourage your teen's friends to come over for pizza and video nights. Redecorate a room together. Adopt a new pet or take a mini vacation together to a family fun spot you haven't visited before. This sets the stage for new beginnings and happy memories post-divorce as your family starts a new chapter in their lives.
Never underestimate the impact of divorce on your children - especially your more independent teens. Behind their reassurance might be a deep well of untapped confusion and pain. Be there ... watch ... listen ... and observe your teen while modeling the best behavior you can. Divorce is never easy. But it can be a positive life lesson for everyone in the family when handled from that perspective. The more responsibly you behave, the easier it will be for your teen to adapt to the changes and challenges of your divorce.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Angry Teens
When your thought patterns rub up against those of your teenager, you can either take it personally and get upset yourself, or you can use it as an opportunity to help bring healing and a new perspective to your child.
Teens get angry for a number of reasons; from fear, feelings of injustice, insecurity, loneliness, overactive hormones, lack of sleep, peer bullying, a growing need for independence and just trying to make sense out of life. Parents get angry when their teens behave in ways that aren’t appropriate or if they feel their children aren’t showing them proper respect. If parents don’t understand that their teenager’s anger may be about something totally separate from them, they might go about lighting the fuse in the dynamite by reacting too harshly. So, guess which party needs to “man up” and defuse the situation?
You don’t have to throw up your hands in resignation and despair if you’re dealing with an angry child. I want to share with you four powerful techniques you can use to defuse anger—practical steps that actually work in the real world.
1) Be a Model. Many times in the heat of anger a person realizes they’re going too far, but they don’t know how to back off and cool down. It’s an important ability for either party, but it is learned by the parent modeling it to their children. For instance, when I’m talking to a child who is angry, I look for a way to identify with him. If he accuses me of not understanding, I say something like, “You’re right. I didn’t listen well enough. I was wrong. Tell me again.” What I’m trying to show them is what it looks like to cool down, step back, and say, “I was wrong.”
One of the most important things to remember is that feelings aren’t something you can control or necessarily reason with. You can’t argue them away, even if you are completely right. In fact, the more right you are about the other person being wrong, the more angry they will get. If a pot is boiling over on the stove, telling it to cool off doesn’t help. You have to turn down the heat and let it cool.
The “stand your ground” drill sergeant approach of “yelling and telling” doesn’t work. That just models shouting and will turn your home into an unending scream fest as your teenagers gain the confidence to respond in kind. Correcting an angry teen with equal or greater anger is like throwing gasoline on a raging fire. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” Instead, remain calm. Spend time listening and trying to get an idea of what they really want. Remember that anger is a symptom—so don’t try to beat it, treat it or cover it up. Find the disease—the disappointment that is driving the anger, and focus on dealing with that.
2) Make Your Home a Respite. Kids enter a jungle when they walk out the front door. School has always been a tough place. My nicknames in high school were “eagle beak” and “chicken legs.” Today the bullying is far worse, in and out of school through online chat rooms, cell phone texting, and social networks like Facebook and Twitter, where insults can reach the teen (and the world) wherever they are.
So, in our homes we can show our teens that even if they’re upset with us, or the whole world seems to be upset with them, we still love them and accept them unconditionally. When we’ve seemingly become the focus of their anger, it can really cut against our grain personally, but we need to wear our parent hats and avoid being defensive. In fact, don’t even try to quash their anger. If you do, they may well try to seek other ways to deal with their frustration, like drinking or taking drugs to cover up having to think about it. Rather, having a safe place to “blow off steam” and talk about it allows them to process what they’re feeling. After all, they probably aren’t even angry at you, they’re just taking it out on you because you are a convenient target.
This is the heart of the reason why conflict provides the opportunity to strengthen and deepen the relationship. If it is handled correctly, with caring and without defensiveness, it gives us opportunity to talk and to lift them up — to be on their side. We can also share the inappropriateness of shifting their anger to attacking the ones they love. And each time they are upset, they’ll be less explosive because they’ll know they can safely come to us to talk about it.
3) Get Closer/Lower. When I’m dealing with an angry teenager, I don’t walk away. I get closer to them and I intentionally position myself below them. If they’re standing, I sit. If they’re sitting in a chair, I sit on the floor. It’s a way to signal that I’m not going to force my opinion on them. I’m telling them without saying a word that I want there to be a two-way conversation about what is bothering them. It’s a way of lowering the temperature, and encouraging them to talk.
Because of the difference between the boys and girls communicate, I’ll often take a guy for a ride in the car to have a longer talk after things have cooled down. If they’re not facing me, it can be easier for them to open up about what is behind the anger they’re expressing. Or, do something physical, like fishing, playing basketball, or jogging. If you have a daughter that’s upset, that talk may go better on a walk, a visit to the mall, or at a coffee shop. In any case, find ways to get them to converse with you.
Remember that we’re not trying to squelch the anger and make it go away; we’re trying to get at the root cause and allow them to release some of their steam. There are many legitimate causes for anger. The Bible says, “Be angry, but don’t sin.” (Ephesians 4:26) But when anger brings the teen to a point that they are spinning out of control, it can be because their relationship with the parents isn’t such that they feel they can share their frustrations. Who else can they talk to?
4) Plan Ahead. If you know there is something bothering your teen, prepare yourself before you talk to them. Think about your objectives for the conversation, and how you will go about accomplishing them. Think about what you will say and how you will act if they attack you for not caring or understanding, or for letting them down. Think about what you can do to help them channel their angry energy into non-destructive outlets. Especially think about what could go wrong during the conversation. Spending some time like this ahead of the conversation will pay enormous benefits.
Dee-Dee Meyer points out the importance of positive feedback to healthy ego development for your teen. She says, “For every negative thing I say, I try to say two positive things.” So, in preparation for your talk, plan what positive things you will say. Put yourself in their place. Remember how important “little” things were to you when you were a teenager. Try to empathize with their emotions, even if they are unrealistic and immature. You’re helping them grow and develop by helping them respond properly to what is making them angry.
Finally, prepare an exit strategy for what you will do if things start to get out of hand. Though the issue does need to be resolved, often taking a break for everyone to cool off is the best step. You can say something like, “I want to think about what you said, and you can think about what I said. Then we’ll get back together and talk.” This doesn’t place blame or shame them; it puts you both on the same level and allows the conversation to continue when things calm down.
A Real Life Example
One of the young men we’re working with at Heartlight is here primarily because of anger. He was getting into a lot of fights and arguments with his parents. He told me, “There was a lot of conflict, especially with my dad. We both had a hard time admitting we were wrong. We went to a lot of counseling sessions but things weren’t getting any better. Eventually we stopped talking.” And then he stopped doing his schoolwork because his dad was really focused on his grades. “I did it to annoy Dad,” he said.
When he expressed his anger, he was punished, and that just frustrated him more, so it was a vicious cycle. Things finally got so bad that the counselor suggested his parents send him to Heartlight. In six months with us, he’s been learning to manage and control his anger. He’s learned the importance of blowing off steam appropriately. He gets his stress worked out by exercising. “After doing that for while, it’s easier for me to talk calmly,” he said.
Remember, conflict is a precursor to change. Look beyond their anger to what may be causing it. Never allow their anger to force you to reduce consequences, nor allow it to turn violent, disrespectful or threatening. If it does, it will only get worse, so get the help of another adult, a counselor or the authorities if needed. Hopefully you’ll get it under control before it gets so far out of hand by making an intentional effort to help your teen talk about and get beyond what is upsetting them.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our radio program last weekend titled “Defusing Teen Anger.” Listen online here (or look for the program dated March 23, 2011 at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org).
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com.
Teens get angry for a number of reasons; from fear, feelings of injustice, insecurity, loneliness, overactive hormones, lack of sleep, peer bullying, a growing need for independence and just trying to make sense out of life. Parents get angry when their teens behave in ways that aren’t appropriate or if they feel their children aren’t showing them proper respect. If parents don’t understand that their teenager’s anger may be about something totally separate from them, they might go about lighting the fuse in the dynamite by reacting too harshly. So, guess which party needs to “man up” and defuse the situation?
You don’t have to throw up your hands in resignation and despair if you’re dealing with an angry child. I want to share with you four powerful techniques you can use to defuse anger—practical steps that actually work in the real world.
1) Be a Model. Many times in the heat of anger a person realizes they’re going too far, but they don’t know how to back off and cool down. It’s an important ability for either party, but it is learned by the parent modeling it to their children. For instance, when I’m talking to a child who is angry, I look for a way to identify with him. If he accuses me of not understanding, I say something like, “You’re right. I didn’t listen well enough. I was wrong. Tell me again.” What I’m trying to show them is what it looks like to cool down, step back, and say, “I was wrong.”
One of the most important things to remember is that feelings aren’t something you can control or necessarily reason with. You can’t argue them away, even if you are completely right. In fact, the more right you are about the other person being wrong, the more angry they will get. If a pot is boiling over on the stove, telling it to cool off doesn’t help. You have to turn down the heat and let it cool.
The “stand your ground” drill sergeant approach of “yelling and telling” doesn’t work. That just models shouting and will turn your home into an unending scream fest as your teenagers gain the confidence to respond in kind. Correcting an angry teen with equal or greater anger is like throwing gasoline on a raging fire. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” Instead, remain calm. Spend time listening and trying to get an idea of what they really want. Remember that anger is a symptom—so don’t try to beat it, treat it or cover it up. Find the disease—the disappointment that is driving the anger, and focus on dealing with that.
2) Make Your Home a Respite. Kids enter a jungle when they walk out the front door. School has always been a tough place. My nicknames in high school were “eagle beak” and “chicken legs.” Today the bullying is far worse, in and out of school through online chat rooms, cell phone texting, and social networks like Facebook and Twitter, where insults can reach the teen (and the world) wherever they are.
So, in our homes we can show our teens that even if they’re upset with us, or the whole world seems to be upset with them, we still love them and accept them unconditionally. When we’ve seemingly become the focus of their anger, it can really cut against our grain personally, but we need to wear our parent hats and avoid being defensive. In fact, don’t even try to quash their anger. If you do, they may well try to seek other ways to deal with their frustration, like drinking or taking drugs to cover up having to think about it. Rather, having a safe place to “blow off steam” and talk about it allows them to process what they’re feeling. After all, they probably aren’t even angry at you, they’re just taking it out on you because you are a convenient target.
This is the heart of the reason why conflict provides the opportunity to strengthen and deepen the relationship. If it is handled correctly, with caring and without defensiveness, it gives us opportunity to talk and to lift them up — to be on their side. We can also share the inappropriateness of shifting their anger to attacking the ones they love. And each time they are upset, they’ll be less explosive because they’ll know they can safely come to us to talk about it.
3) Get Closer/Lower. When I’m dealing with an angry teenager, I don’t walk away. I get closer to them and I intentionally position myself below them. If they’re standing, I sit. If they’re sitting in a chair, I sit on the floor. It’s a way to signal that I’m not going to force my opinion on them. I’m telling them without saying a word that I want there to be a two-way conversation about what is bothering them. It’s a way of lowering the temperature, and encouraging them to talk.
Because of the difference between the boys and girls communicate, I’ll often take a guy for a ride in the car to have a longer talk after things have cooled down. If they’re not facing me, it can be easier for them to open up about what is behind the anger they’re expressing. Or, do something physical, like fishing, playing basketball, or jogging. If you have a daughter that’s upset, that talk may go better on a walk, a visit to the mall, or at a coffee shop. In any case, find ways to get them to converse with you.
Remember that we’re not trying to squelch the anger and make it go away; we’re trying to get at the root cause and allow them to release some of their steam. There are many legitimate causes for anger. The Bible says, “Be angry, but don’t sin.” (Ephesians 4:26) But when anger brings the teen to a point that they are spinning out of control, it can be because their relationship with the parents isn’t such that they feel they can share their frustrations. Who else can they talk to?
4) Plan Ahead. If you know there is something bothering your teen, prepare yourself before you talk to them. Think about your objectives for the conversation, and how you will go about accomplishing them. Think about what you will say and how you will act if they attack you for not caring or understanding, or for letting them down. Think about what you can do to help them channel their angry energy into non-destructive outlets. Especially think about what could go wrong during the conversation. Spending some time like this ahead of the conversation will pay enormous benefits.
Dee-Dee Meyer points out the importance of positive feedback to healthy ego development for your teen. She says, “For every negative thing I say, I try to say two positive things.” So, in preparation for your talk, plan what positive things you will say. Put yourself in their place. Remember how important “little” things were to you when you were a teenager. Try to empathize with their emotions, even if they are unrealistic and immature. You’re helping them grow and develop by helping them respond properly to what is making them angry.
Finally, prepare an exit strategy for what you will do if things start to get out of hand. Though the issue does need to be resolved, often taking a break for everyone to cool off is the best step. You can say something like, “I want to think about what you said, and you can think about what I said. Then we’ll get back together and talk.” This doesn’t place blame or shame them; it puts you both on the same level and allows the conversation to continue when things calm down.
A Real Life Example
One of the young men we’re working with at Heartlight is here primarily because of anger. He was getting into a lot of fights and arguments with his parents. He told me, “There was a lot of conflict, especially with my dad. We both had a hard time admitting we were wrong. We went to a lot of counseling sessions but things weren’t getting any better. Eventually we stopped talking.” And then he stopped doing his schoolwork because his dad was really focused on his grades. “I did it to annoy Dad,” he said.
When he expressed his anger, he was punished, and that just frustrated him more, so it was a vicious cycle. Things finally got so bad that the counselor suggested his parents send him to Heartlight. In six months with us, he’s been learning to manage and control his anger. He’s learned the importance of blowing off steam appropriately. He gets his stress worked out by exercising. “After doing that for while, it’s easier for me to talk calmly,” he said.
Remember, conflict is a precursor to change. Look beyond their anger to what may be causing it. Never allow their anger to force you to reduce consequences, nor allow it to turn violent, disrespectful or threatening. If it does, it will only get worse, so get the help of another adult, a counselor or the authorities if needed. Hopefully you’ll get it under control before it gets so far out of hand by making an intentional effort to help your teen talk about and get beyond what is upsetting them.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our radio program last weekend titled “Defusing Teen Anger.” Listen online here (or look for the program dated March 23, 2011 at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org).
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Moving Beyond Your Divorce: Part 2
Moving Beyond Your Divorce: Part 2
This excellent article is written by Life Coach Shelley Stile. It was so good I am using it in tact to share its value for you. Last week I sent you Part 1. We will now continue with Part 2.
6) Learn the difference between what is and what you think should be.
If we are living in a netherland of what we think should be, we are completely cut off from reality or 'what is'. If you think that you should not have to be experiencing divorce, then you cannot accept what is...that you are indeed getting divorced. You live in a world of your own.
We all create a list of "should be's" that keep us stuck in the status quo: I should be happier, I should be getting more support, I shouldn't have to work, and I should still be married. By concentrating on what we should be, we ignore what actually exists for us and remain stuck.
I think we should live in a world where peace is the predominant ethic but we don't live in that world. That's a dream I have. By acknowledging the world as it truly exists, I can make choices as to how I will live my life and also how to address the problems that do exist.
7) Consider the emotional wounds that you brought to the marriage.
Your ex may complain that you were not a warm person. I doubt that it was your marriage that created a cold person, if indeed that is what you are. We bring ourselves into our marriages and the parts of us that show up and create issues are the parts of us that we haven't addressed yet. They are emotional wounds from somewhere in our past and they have a tendency to pop-up in our close relationships or when we are faced with challenging times.
Now is your chance to address those wounds and heal them so that you do not repeat your so-called mistakes again. Use your divorce as a catalyst to go inside and heal yourself.
8) Release toxic emotions.
Get rid of the debilitating toxic emotions that you are carrying around. Picture them as heavy baggage that keeps you stuck in your misery and produces a broken back. Anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment, rage...these are all toxic emotions that will harm you far more than your ex. You are the one who pays the price. You need to work through them and then release them because they will weigh you down for the rest of your life if you allow it.
Once you have done the work of truth versus interpretations and what is versus what should be, you will find it much easier to give up your anger and resentment. They do not serve you and you are learning to give away anything that does not serve you well.
9) Learn forgiveness for yourself and your mate.
You might not be able to practice forgiveness in the early stages of the journey to recovery but if you go through these other steps, you will be able to forgive your ex and more importantly, yourself. Forgiveness takes a big load off your shoulders. It releases energy that can be used for positive things.
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean you condone bad behavior, it simply means you forgive. If we separate the person from the behavior it becomes easier to forgive. You know that just because you sometimes say mean things it does not mean you are a bad person. It's just a lapse in judgment. We are not necessarily our behavior. We know all the subconscious motivations that exist within every individual. If we look at the inner child within a person, forgiveness is a given.
10) Make conscious decisions; utilize free choice.
When you do the inner work of divorce recovery, you tend to attend to many things that have been left unresolved for years. You become more conscious of your actions and your choices. You become aware of the subconscious and how it can run your life. When you learn to observe the constant mind chatter that goes on inside your heads, you learn that the mind chatter is not us, it's just chatter.
Making conscious decisions based in free choice means that we are not letting our mind chatter, our past, our emotional wounds or our interpretations of reality run the show. We take control of our lives. Conscious living allows for incredible freedom and the ability to create extraordinary changes.
And your bonus tip:
11) Find the gifts of your divorce.
Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are (warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has survived divorce and has gone on to create a vibrant life based upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That may not be true for you but there is a gift waiting for you to find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career and to a certain extent he has played a part. Oftentimes it takes a good whack on the head to awaken us to life's possibilities and our own happiness.
It's the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true. Search for the gifts of your divorce and it becomes yet another step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of divorce.
Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower, the work that takes place underneath the surface of the ground, invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you see the outer rewards.
About Shelley Stile: Shelley is a professionally trained Life Coach. She specializes in working with women and divorce recovery. She is a member of the International Speaker's Forum and served as a Coach for Harv Ekar's Life Directions seminar series. You can learn more about Life Coaching with Shelley at http://www.changecoachshelley.com and http://shelleyblog.changecoachshelley.com or contact Shelley at shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca 2008
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
This excellent article is written by Life Coach Shelley Stile. It was so good I am using it in tact to share its value for you. Last week I sent you Part 1. We will now continue with Part 2.
6) Learn the difference between what is and what you think should be.
If we are living in a netherland of what we think should be, we are completely cut off from reality or 'what is'. If you think that you should not have to be experiencing divorce, then you cannot accept what is...that you are indeed getting divorced. You live in a world of your own.
We all create a list of "should be's" that keep us stuck in the status quo: I should be happier, I should be getting more support, I shouldn't have to work, and I should still be married. By concentrating on what we should be, we ignore what actually exists for us and remain stuck.
I think we should live in a world where peace is the predominant ethic but we don't live in that world. That's a dream I have. By acknowledging the world as it truly exists, I can make choices as to how I will live my life and also how to address the problems that do exist.
7) Consider the emotional wounds that you brought to the marriage.
Your ex may complain that you were not a warm person. I doubt that it was your marriage that created a cold person, if indeed that is what you are. We bring ourselves into our marriages and the parts of us that show up and create issues are the parts of us that we haven't addressed yet. They are emotional wounds from somewhere in our past and they have a tendency to pop-up in our close relationships or when we are faced with challenging times.
Now is your chance to address those wounds and heal them so that you do not repeat your so-called mistakes again. Use your divorce as a catalyst to go inside and heal yourself.
8) Release toxic emotions.
Get rid of the debilitating toxic emotions that you are carrying around. Picture them as heavy baggage that keeps you stuck in your misery and produces a broken back. Anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment, rage...these are all toxic emotions that will harm you far more than your ex. You are the one who pays the price. You need to work through them and then release them because they will weigh you down for the rest of your life if you allow it.
Once you have done the work of truth versus interpretations and what is versus what should be, you will find it much easier to give up your anger and resentment. They do not serve you and you are learning to give away anything that does not serve you well.
9) Learn forgiveness for yourself and your mate.
You might not be able to practice forgiveness in the early stages of the journey to recovery but if you go through these other steps, you will be able to forgive your ex and more importantly, yourself. Forgiveness takes a big load off your shoulders. It releases energy that can be used for positive things.
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean you condone bad behavior, it simply means you forgive. If we separate the person from the behavior it becomes easier to forgive. You know that just because you sometimes say mean things it does not mean you are a bad person. It's just a lapse in judgment. We are not necessarily our behavior. We know all the subconscious motivations that exist within every individual. If we look at the inner child within a person, forgiveness is a given.
10) Make conscious decisions; utilize free choice.
When you do the inner work of divorce recovery, you tend to attend to many things that have been left unresolved for years. You become more conscious of your actions and your choices. You become aware of the subconscious and how it can run your life. When you learn to observe the constant mind chatter that goes on inside your heads, you learn that the mind chatter is not us, it's just chatter.
Making conscious decisions based in free choice means that we are not letting our mind chatter, our past, our emotional wounds or our interpretations of reality run the show. We take control of our lives. Conscious living allows for incredible freedom and the ability to create extraordinary changes.
And your bonus tip:
11) Find the gifts of your divorce.
Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are (warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has survived divorce and has gone on to create a vibrant life based upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That may not be true for you but there is a gift waiting for you to find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career and to a certain extent he has played a part. Oftentimes it takes a good whack on the head to awaken us to life's possibilities and our own happiness.
It's the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true. Search for the gifts of your divorce and it becomes yet another step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of divorce.
Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower, the work that takes place underneath the surface of the ground, invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you see the outer rewards.
About Shelley Stile: Shelley is a professionally trained Life Coach. She specializes in working with women and divorce recovery. She is a member of the International Speaker's Forum and served as a Coach for Harv Ekar's Life Directions seminar series. You can learn more about Life Coaching with Shelley at http://www.changecoachshelley.com and http://shelleyblog.changecoachshelley.com or contact Shelley at shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca 2008
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Your teen needs the kind of relationship that doesn’t stop
Your teen needs the kind of relationship that doesn’t stop, even if they overstep the boundaries.
There will be times when your teenager will test the boundaries. Even so, keep reminding them: “There’s nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do can make me love you less.” In other words, their mistakes won’t end your relationship. You will love them just the same regardless of their actions, and you’ll also love them enough to enforce appropriate consequences if needed.
What your child wants more than anything else is to have a solid relationship with you. Of course they also want more freedom and will test your boundaries; if not, they’ll never mature.
There will be times when your teenager will test the boundaries. Even so, keep reminding them: “There’s nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do can make me love you less.” In other words, their mistakes won’t end your relationship. You will love them just the same regardless of their actions, and you’ll also love them enough to enforce appropriate consequences if needed.
What your child wants more than anything else is to have a solid relationship with you. Of course they also want more freedom and will test your boundaries; if not, they’ll never mature.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Divorce in the Teen Years (3-29-2011)
Divorce in the Teen Years (3-29-2011)
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
While it is difficult for a child to deal with the split-up of the family at any age, kids are especially prone to emotional and behavioral problems if a family break-up happens in their early teen years.
One of the strongest factors in all sorts of behavioral problems for teenagers is their feelings of loss and abandonment brought on by the divorce of their parents.
While I’d never condone divorce, it is sadly a fact of life for half of all marriages today. So, my advice to parents who are contemplating it is to first get into counseling, but if that fails, at least wait until their teens are older. If not, they’ll likely have more heartaches than they bargained for.
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
While it is difficult for a child to deal with the split-up of the family at any age, kids are especially prone to emotional and behavioral problems if a family break-up happens in their early teen years.
One of the strongest factors in all sorts of behavioral problems for teenagers is their feelings of loss and abandonment brought on by the divorce of their parents.
While I’d never condone divorce, it is sadly a fact of life for half of all marriages today. So, my advice to parents who are contemplating it is to first get into counseling, but if that fails, at least wait until their teens are older. If not, they’ll likely have more heartaches than they bargained for.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Three Trusts leads to a more successful Child-Centered Divorce
Three Trusts leads to a more successful Child-Centered Divorce
I'm quite impressed with the Three Trusts concept, the brainchild of Parent Educator and Conflict Coach, Ruth Rinehart. Take Ruth's message to heart and incorporate into your parenting strategies. You won't go wrong.
The fear of having our actions used in litigation is an awful cloud over parenting. The world in the courtroom is a separate world from the relationship between parent and child. Sometimes what is right for the child might not necessarily look good in court. These are the sad facts.
In my Three Trusts class for divorced parents, the first Trust is to Trust Yourself as a Parent, because parents are so often slammed by the other side on their parenting skills and style. By trusting yourself, it leads to more confidence, stability, consistency for the kids.
Then, the second trust is to Trust the Other Parent to be a "good enough" parent. That means that if the kids get to stay up late, have a "friend" instead of a parent, in the other household, its still our job to support the other parent (because if they aren't abusing the child, then they ARE a good enough parent). One of the best sentences is: "every household is different. This is the way we do it in this household." No reason to be defensive about it
The third trust is to Trust Your Child. They do grow up, and they do figure things out. They can tell the difference between a sane household, and a crazy one. You don't ever have to malign the other parent, or explain the challenges you face. (I know everyone reading this probably understands these things, but it does help parents who aren't in this field!).
My oldest daughter is 25 now, and I rue the times when I didn't trust her. She came through some rough spots, but is on a good path now.
It's wise to remember that conflict can often reign in intact families. Truth is, that conflict is very damaging to the kids as well. A terrific website is: www.uptoparents.org .
To learn more about Ruth Rinehart and her services, visit www.threetrusts.com.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa
I'm quite impressed with the Three Trusts concept, the brainchild of Parent Educator and Conflict Coach, Ruth Rinehart. Take Ruth's message to heart and incorporate into your parenting strategies. You won't go wrong.
The fear of having our actions used in litigation is an awful cloud over parenting. The world in the courtroom is a separate world from the relationship between parent and child. Sometimes what is right for the child might not necessarily look good in court. These are the sad facts.
In my Three Trusts class for divorced parents, the first Trust is to Trust Yourself as a Parent, because parents are so often slammed by the other side on their parenting skills and style. By trusting yourself, it leads to more confidence, stability, consistency for the kids.
Then, the second trust is to Trust the Other Parent to be a "good enough" parent. That means that if the kids get to stay up late, have a "friend" instead of a parent, in the other household, its still our job to support the other parent (because if they aren't abusing the child, then they ARE a good enough parent). One of the best sentences is: "every household is different. This is the way we do it in this household." No reason to be defensive about it
The third trust is to Trust Your Child. They do grow up, and they do figure things out. They can tell the difference between a sane household, and a crazy one. You don't ever have to malign the other parent, or explain the challenges you face. (I know everyone reading this probably understands these things, but it does help parents who aren't in this field!).
My oldest daughter is 25 now, and I rue the times when I didn't trust her. She came through some rough spots, but is on a good path now.
It's wise to remember that conflict can often reign in intact families. Truth is, that conflict is very damaging to the kids as well. A terrific website is: www.uptoparents.org .
To learn more about Ruth Rinehart and her services, visit www.threetrusts.com.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa
Moving Beyond Your Divorce: Part 1
Moving Beyond Your Divorce: Part 1
This excellent article is written by Life Coach Shelley Stile. It was so good I am using it in tact to share its value for you. Next week the article continues with Part 2. It's worth the wait!
There is no single more powerful stumbling block to moving beyond our divorce into a new life than the inability to accept our new reality. Acceptance is the hardest part of the divorce recovery process. Acceptance requires total honesty, courage and the willingness to let go of the life that we had...a life that no longer exists. Without that acceptance, we cannot move forward and create a new life.
How does one learn acceptance? Although it takes time and a good deal of inner work, it can be done. Here is a step-by-step guide to move you towards acceptance:
1) It's about you, not them.
One of the most powerful lessons in life is the knowledge that we have control over one person and one person only...ourselves. If you are looking outside of yourself to move forward, you won't. We can't change anyone but ourselves. We have power over no one except ourselves. It is when we turn inward and do the work on ourselves that we will be able to effect dramatic and positive changes in our lives.
Being a victim means giving away all control and power. If I blame someone else for my situation, then I am powerless to do anything about it as I have chosen to absolve myself of any responsibility.
We can create changes that will make our lives better but not until we stop trying to change our ex or our current reality and we realize that it's about us, not them.
2) Get support.
If you think you can do this all by yourself you may be in for a big surprise. Research consistently shows that getting support in any challenging endeavor leads to more success. Whether you choose a divorce support group, a therapist, a member of the clergy or a Life Coach, just do it.
If you are one of those people who think that you have to handle life's challenges on your own because somehow you equate support with weakness, get over it! Getting support is a sign of intelligence as far as I'm concerned as well as an indication that you really are serious about moving onward in life.
3) First, you must get through the initial stages of loss that includes denial, grief, anger, depression and whatever else you might be feeling early in the divorce process.
These emotions are all natural and necessary states that we need to experience. They are the norm versus the exception. Each one of these feelings needs to be embraced and experienced fully. There must be an ending before a new beginning.
There is a difference between fully experiencing an emotional stage and getting stuck in it. Beware excessive self-pity and real depression. Here is where support becomes important to your well-being and improvement.
4) Distinguish between facts and interpretations.
I cannot stress the importance of this step enough. People get stuck when they cannot face the facts and prefer to believe that their personal interpretations are reality.
You might be familiar with the exercise of the picture that has a hidden image within it. Ten people may come up with ten different interpretations of the picture. Some people will see the hidden image immediately and others will never see it until it is pointed out to them. Either way, the hidden picture exists. It is a fact.
You may feel that you have been mentally abused and yet your partner may feel that you are the one that is abusive. He said, she said. Probably a counselor will see a totally different picture altogether. You know, there's your side, his side and then the truth.
Once you are truthful with yourself and can see the facts versus the drama or story of your divorce, you will be on your way to acceptance.
5) Be brutally honest and take responsibility for your marriage, divorce and life.
Those of us who can be totally honest with ourselves will receive the gift of a deep awareness of who and what we are along with the ability to accept our lives as they are without looking to blame someone else. Being honest allows us to see things that hadn't existed for us before. The truth will indeed set you free. By setting aside our egos, we can look at our life for what it actually is versus a story about our divorce.
Once we have been honest and have embraced all the facts about our divorce, we are free to accept full responsibility for our lives. Responsibility is power and the freedom to choose what we want next in life. If we cannot take responsibility, we remain victims and victims absolve themselves of both their responsibility and therefore the power to control their own lives.
About Shelley Stile: Shelley is a professionally trained Life Coach. She specializes in working with women and divorce recovery. She is a member of the International Speaker's Forum and served as a Coach for Harv Ekar's Life Directions seminar series. You can learn more about Life Coaching with Shelley at http://www.changecoachshelley.com and http://shelleyblog.changecoachshelley.com or contact Shelley at shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca 2008
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
This excellent article is written by Life Coach Shelley Stile. It was so good I am using it in tact to share its value for you. Next week the article continues with Part 2. It's worth the wait!
There is no single more powerful stumbling block to moving beyond our divorce into a new life than the inability to accept our new reality. Acceptance is the hardest part of the divorce recovery process. Acceptance requires total honesty, courage and the willingness to let go of the life that we had...a life that no longer exists. Without that acceptance, we cannot move forward and create a new life.
How does one learn acceptance? Although it takes time and a good deal of inner work, it can be done. Here is a step-by-step guide to move you towards acceptance:
1) It's about you, not them.
One of the most powerful lessons in life is the knowledge that we have control over one person and one person only...ourselves. If you are looking outside of yourself to move forward, you won't. We can't change anyone but ourselves. We have power over no one except ourselves. It is when we turn inward and do the work on ourselves that we will be able to effect dramatic and positive changes in our lives.
Being a victim means giving away all control and power. If I blame someone else for my situation, then I am powerless to do anything about it as I have chosen to absolve myself of any responsibility.
We can create changes that will make our lives better but not until we stop trying to change our ex or our current reality and we realize that it's about us, not them.
2) Get support.
If you think you can do this all by yourself you may be in for a big surprise. Research consistently shows that getting support in any challenging endeavor leads to more success. Whether you choose a divorce support group, a therapist, a member of the clergy or a Life Coach, just do it.
If you are one of those people who think that you have to handle life's challenges on your own because somehow you equate support with weakness, get over it! Getting support is a sign of intelligence as far as I'm concerned as well as an indication that you really are serious about moving onward in life.
3) First, you must get through the initial stages of loss that includes denial, grief, anger, depression and whatever else you might be feeling early in the divorce process.
These emotions are all natural and necessary states that we need to experience. They are the norm versus the exception. Each one of these feelings needs to be embraced and experienced fully. There must be an ending before a new beginning.
There is a difference between fully experiencing an emotional stage and getting stuck in it. Beware excessive self-pity and real depression. Here is where support becomes important to your well-being and improvement.
4) Distinguish between facts and interpretations.
I cannot stress the importance of this step enough. People get stuck when they cannot face the facts and prefer to believe that their personal interpretations are reality.
You might be familiar with the exercise of the picture that has a hidden image within it. Ten people may come up with ten different interpretations of the picture. Some people will see the hidden image immediately and others will never see it until it is pointed out to them. Either way, the hidden picture exists. It is a fact.
You may feel that you have been mentally abused and yet your partner may feel that you are the one that is abusive. He said, she said. Probably a counselor will see a totally different picture altogether. You know, there's your side, his side and then the truth.
Once you are truthful with yourself and can see the facts versus the drama or story of your divorce, you will be on your way to acceptance.
5) Be brutally honest and take responsibility for your marriage, divorce and life.
Those of us who can be totally honest with ourselves will receive the gift of a deep awareness of who and what we are along with the ability to accept our lives as they are without looking to blame someone else. Being honest allows us to see things that hadn't existed for us before. The truth will indeed set you free. By setting aside our egos, we can look at our life for what it actually is versus a story about our divorce.
Once we have been honest and have embraced all the facts about our divorce, we are free to accept full responsibility for our lives. Responsibility is power and the freedom to choose what we want next in life. If we cannot take responsibility, we remain victims and victims absolve themselves of both their responsibility and therefore the power to control their own lives.
About Shelley Stile: Shelley is a professionally trained Life Coach. She specializes in working with women and divorce recovery. She is a member of the International Speaker's Forum and served as a Coach for Harv Ekar's Life Directions seminar series. You can learn more about Life Coaching with Shelley at http://www.changecoachshelley.com and http://shelleyblog.changecoachshelley.com or contact Shelley at shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca 2008
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Parents Who are Bullied (3-22-2011)
I’m always surprised by the statistics of the number of parents intimidated or bullied by their own teenager.
With teens, anger is usually an emotional response to not getting something wanted, or losing something once held dear. Whether anger is ignited by peers, parents, or circumstances, physical outbursts can never be allowed.
The line must be drawn as to what behavior will be tolerated when your teen is angry. You may need to say, “If you’re angry, I’m okay with that. But if you become physical, or do damage, I will have you arrested.” Help your teen find appropriate ways to deal with their anger or to let off steam. But never give them license to strike out, no matter what the cause.
With teens, anger is usually an emotional response to not getting something wanted, or losing something once held dear. Whether anger is ignited by peers, parents, or circumstances, physical outbursts can never be allowed.
The line must be drawn as to what behavior will be tolerated when your teen is angry. You may need to say, “If you’re angry, I’m okay with that. But if you become physical, or do damage, I will have you arrested.” Help your teen find appropriate ways to deal with their anger or to let off steam. But never give them license to strike out, no matter what the cause.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Five Ways to Keep Connected with Your Kids after Divorce
Five Ways to Keep Connected with Your Kids after Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Divorce is a time for disconnect. It's not uncommon for you to feel alone, rejected and insecure in the months following your divorce. So can your children. It is important for you to strengthen your bond with your children during this time of transition - whether you are living with them or apart.
Children want to know they are still loved, valued and cared about. Show them, tell them and keep in close communication with them - during the happy times and the sad ones. They need to know they have a safe place to turn, a shoulder to cry on and a non-judgmental ear when they need it. If divorce has been tough on you - remember it's even tougher on them - whether they confide that to you or not.
Here are five important ways to reinforce your connection with the children you love.
1. Connect through notes:
If you're living together, slip a note in your child's lunch box or notebook every few days. A quick joke, cartoon, reminder about a special event ahead or just a warm "I Love You!" will let them know they're on your mind and in your heart. If you're not spending time together, send an email note or a quick text message to convey that you're thinking about them.
2. Connect through idle chats:
Take advantage of idle moments here and there when you're together with your child. Driving in the car is a great time to ask questions, share your feelings, and be empathic about their comments. When you're helping them with homework, cooking meals together or doing other chores you can strike up a conversation as well. Just be careful not to turn these communications into lectures. You're there to listen, reflect and learn. If you judge or condemn, you'll close the door to hearing any more.
3. Connect through bedtime routine:
It's always wise to create a before bedtime routine with your children that integrates warm connection. Spend time reading books on changing themes, talk about your own childhood memories and challenges. Share your own insecurities and how you overcame them. It's also beneficial to ask your child about the best part of their day or a new lesson they learned. Bedtime routines help you both unwind and appreciate one another. It also creates a security bond that most children really value.
4. Connect through a new project:
After divorce many things change in a child's life. It's a good opportunity to create connection through new projects that take on special meaning. Whether it's a multi-day puzzle, a plastic model you complete together, new shelves or other decorating project in their bedroom, this shared time is a wonderful time to talk, listen to music and make a stress-free connection.
5. Connect through special dates:
Every now and then create a special outing alone with just one of your children. Take them to lunch, the zoo, a big-city shopping trip, a sports game or a wonderful movie. Children cherish alone time with you and the opportunity to catch up with one another without competition from siblings. Prepare this "date" in advance so you both have something to look forward to. End the date with a token gift as a keepsake "reminder" of your time together.
It doesn't take a lot of effort to reinforce your connection with your children, especially as you all transition through and after a divorce. It's the sincerity of your effort, not the money you spend, that impacts their lives and helps them to feel safe, loved and secure despite the changes and challenges created by the divorce.
Connection time will also heighten your awareness about your children's attitudes, moods and feelings so you can address potential problems early-on before they become serious behavior issues. Create the time to keep connected with your kids. You won't regret it!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
All rights reserved. © 2008
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Divorce is a time for disconnect. It's not uncommon for you to feel alone, rejected and insecure in the months following your divorce. So can your children. It is important for you to strengthen your bond with your children during this time of transition - whether you are living with them or apart.
Children want to know they are still loved, valued and cared about. Show them, tell them and keep in close communication with them - during the happy times and the sad ones. They need to know they have a safe place to turn, a shoulder to cry on and a non-judgmental ear when they need it. If divorce has been tough on you - remember it's even tougher on them - whether they confide that to you or not.
Here are five important ways to reinforce your connection with the children you love.
1. Connect through notes:
If you're living together, slip a note in your child's lunch box or notebook every few days. A quick joke, cartoon, reminder about a special event ahead or just a warm "I Love You!" will let them know they're on your mind and in your heart. If you're not spending time together, send an email note or a quick text message to convey that you're thinking about them.
2. Connect through idle chats:
Take advantage of idle moments here and there when you're together with your child. Driving in the car is a great time to ask questions, share your feelings, and be empathic about their comments. When you're helping them with homework, cooking meals together or doing other chores you can strike up a conversation as well. Just be careful not to turn these communications into lectures. You're there to listen, reflect and learn. If you judge or condemn, you'll close the door to hearing any more.
3. Connect through bedtime routine:
It's always wise to create a before bedtime routine with your children that integrates warm connection. Spend time reading books on changing themes, talk about your own childhood memories and challenges. Share your own insecurities and how you overcame them. It's also beneficial to ask your child about the best part of their day or a new lesson they learned. Bedtime routines help you both unwind and appreciate one another. It also creates a security bond that most children really value.
4. Connect through a new project:
After divorce many things change in a child's life. It's a good opportunity to create connection through new projects that take on special meaning. Whether it's a multi-day puzzle, a plastic model you complete together, new shelves or other decorating project in their bedroom, this shared time is a wonderful time to talk, listen to music and make a stress-free connection.
5. Connect through special dates:
Every now and then create a special outing alone with just one of your children. Take them to lunch, the zoo, a big-city shopping trip, a sports game or a wonderful movie. Children cherish alone time with you and the opportunity to catch up with one another without competition from siblings. Prepare this "date" in advance so you both have something to look forward to. End the date with a token gift as a keepsake "reminder" of your time together.
It doesn't take a lot of effort to reinforce your connection with your children, especially as you all transition through and after a divorce. It's the sincerity of your effort, not the money you spend, that impacts their lives and helps them to feel safe, loved and secure despite the changes and challenges created by the divorce.
Connection time will also heighten your awareness about your children's attitudes, moods and feelings so you can address potential problems early-on before they become serious behavior issues. Create the time to keep connected with your kids. You won't regret it!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
All rights reserved. © 2008
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe: Successful Co-parenting Secrets
Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe: Successful Co-parenting Secrets
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
In today's world, Hollywood celebrities are major role models in our culture, especially to the younger generation. For that reason I keep an eye on the movie-star set to see what they're doing in their relationships. It always makes for great article content.
Too often the examples we see are poor ones. So many celebrity relationships end in ugly divorces and distressful child-custody battles. Happily, however, there are some admirable exceptions. Reese Witherspoon and her former husband Ryan Phillippe are modeling behavior worth our acknowledgment.
When recently interviewed they spoke about sharing custody of their kids -- Ava Elizabeth, 9, and Deacon Reese, 5. Both Reese and Ryan are committed to making a conscious effort to parent their children together.
"My ex-husband is very involved in raising our beautiful children," said Reese. She explained that she and Ryan were fortunate enough to share very similar parenting views. As many of us know, this is a key factor in success with co-parenting. I'm pleased that Reese is careful to bring this to our attention.
Both actors grew up in "working families in middle America" which she says puts them "on the same page" in maintaining a structured life for their children. "I'm teaching the children what we were taught growing up -- a real set of rules, discipline, and love," she adds. Reese believes "children thrive with a sense of structure and they're frightened without it."
With that awareness in mind, both parents focus their attention on parenting their children in collaboration, certainly the best way to reap the best results. The children know both Mom and Dad are in agreement about parenting rules and that provides great security for them, despite the reality of divorce.
We all can learn a lot from this young divorced couple. They are putting their children's needs first when making parenting decisions. They discuss parenting issues, discipline strategies, family rules and the values they want their children to appreciate. With this alignment of beliefs it's far easier to raise children who feel loved, secure and respected by both parents.
Of course not all of us are blessed with exes who share our values and principles. Some of us face far more difficult roads to travel in our post-divorce parenting. And for many, co-parenting is not at all possible.
However, we all can take away some meaningful lessons from Reese and Ryan. The more we work together with our ex - because we both love our children - the more stable their lives will be. We can be more flexible and accommodating with our ex if it results in more collaboration and cooperation when it comes to parenting decisions.
It's certainly worth the effort, don't you think?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a trainer and relationship seminar facilitator and the author of the new book, How Do I Tell the Kids ...
about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! To learn more about the book, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
In today's world, Hollywood celebrities are major role models in our culture, especially to the younger generation. For that reason I keep an eye on the movie-star set to see what they're doing in their relationships. It always makes for great article content.
Too often the examples we see are poor ones. So many celebrity relationships end in ugly divorces and distressful child-custody battles. Happily, however, there are some admirable exceptions. Reese Witherspoon and her former husband Ryan Phillippe are modeling behavior worth our acknowledgment.
When recently interviewed they spoke about sharing custody of their kids -- Ava Elizabeth, 9, and Deacon Reese, 5. Both Reese and Ryan are committed to making a conscious effort to parent their children together.
"My ex-husband is very involved in raising our beautiful children," said Reese. She explained that she and Ryan were fortunate enough to share very similar parenting views. As many of us know, this is a key factor in success with co-parenting. I'm pleased that Reese is careful to bring this to our attention.
Both actors grew up in "working families in middle America" which she says puts them "on the same page" in maintaining a structured life for their children. "I'm teaching the children what we were taught growing up -- a real set of rules, discipline, and love," she adds. Reese believes "children thrive with a sense of structure and they're frightened without it."
With that awareness in mind, both parents focus their attention on parenting their children in collaboration, certainly the best way to reap the best results. The children know both Mom and Dad are in agreement about parenting rules and that provides great security for them, despite the reality of divorce.
We all can learn a lot from this young divorced couple. They are putting their children's needs first when making parenting decisions. They discuss parenting issues, discipline strategies, family rules and the values they want their children to appreciate. With this alignment of beliefs it's far easier to raise children who feel loved, secure and respected by both parents.
Of course not all of us are blessed with exes who share our values and principles. Some of us face far more difficult roads to travel in our post-divorce parenting. And for many, co-parenting is not at all possible.
However, we all can take away some meaningful lessons from Reese and Ryan. The more we work together with our ex - because we both love our children - the more stable their lives will be. We can be more flexible and accommodating with our ex if it results in more collaboration and cooperation when it comes to parenting decisions.
It's certainly worth the effort, don't you think?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a trainer and relationship seminar facilitator and the author of the new book, How Do I Tell the Kids ...
about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! To learn more about the book, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Monday, March 7, 2011
Aha! Parenting
Aha! Parenting
Parenting Secret of the Week:
10 Tips to Help Your Child Overcome Shyness
Were you shy as a child? Half of all adults think of themselves as shy, and many more say that they were shy as children.
But shy kids are at a disadvantage in our outgoing, busy culture, because they have a harder time relaxing and connecting with others. Shyness can keep kids from learning the social skills that let them be part of a group, and it can compromise their school performance by making them anxious about asking questions. Worst of all, shy kids can begin a pattern of isolation that keeps them from meeting others, beginning friendships and romances, and simply connecting with other human beings. Scientists now think that social contact is one of our most important human needs, positively impacting our emotional and physical health on every level throughout our lives.
The good news is that shy kids can learn to manage shyness. They just need a little extra support. So what’s the best way to help your child overcome shyness?
1. Nurture your child by noticing her needs and responding to them. Shy baby chimps given to extremely nurturing mothers became leaders in their group, while their shy siblings raised by average mothers remained shy and fearful throughout life. Responsive mothering helps shy little ones learn to calm themselves and manage their reactions. That allows their heightened sensitivity to become an asset, because it makes them more responsive to the needs of their peers and better at negotiating group situations.
2. Empathize with your child’s shyness and avoid shaming him. Acknowledging what he feels, without negative judgment, helps him to feel good about himself. Giving him the impression that there is something wrong with him will just make him feel worse about himself, and therefore more insecure and shy. Empathizing with your child will also help him develop empathy, which will enhance his social skills and keep him connected to others.....(continue reading)
Ages & Stages: Toddlers & Preschoolers
Pre-empt Whining
Should they get what they want by whining? Absolutely not. Should they learn that they can get their way by marshalling good arguments and making them in a reasonable, humorous, charming way that meets your needs as well as theirs? Absolutely, if you want them to get anywhere in life. But how to help them make that transition?
Whining is common with toddlers and preschoolers. Parents are usually advised to tell their kids to ask in a nice voice, because they can't hear the whiny voice. But whining is a symptom of a deeper issue. So if you want to eliminate whining, you have to address what's underneath. If your child's whining is driving you crazy, here are six parent-proven secrets to stop your child from whining. Which secret you use depends on why he's whining.
1. Whining because he doesn't have the internal resources to cope with what's being asked of him: Meet his basic needs for food, rest, down time, run-around time. He may not tantrum as much as he used to, but he will certainly whine if you force him to endure that shopping trip while he’s hungry and tired. Why create a negative situation from which he’ll learn and repeat?
2. Whining because she needs more connection: Be pre-emptive. Make sure that your child gets enough of your positive attention, unprovoked. Pre-empt whining by giving attention BEFORE she gets demanding. Anyone who's had to ask a romantic partner "Do you love me?" knows that attention given after you ask can never really fill the need. The secret is to take the initiative and give attention the child hasn’t asked for, often, so she feels your support and connection. And of course it's particularly important to give attention when she shows the first sign of needing your emotional support, before that quick downhill slide.
3. Whining because she doesn't like what's happening but feels powerless to get her way:
Lawrence Cohen says, "When children whine they are feeling powerless. If we scold them for whining or refuse to listen to them we increase their feelings of powerlessness. If we give in so they will stop whining, we reward that powerlessness. But if we relaxedly, playfully, invite them to use a strong voice, we increase their sense of confidence and competence. And we find a bridge back to close connection."
Start by letting her know that you hear what she wants, and you see her point of view: "You really want to go to the playground, and you keep telling me that, and here I keep stopping at all these stores that you aren't expecting, and you're disappointed, right?" Sometimes just feeling heard is enough to stop whining in its tracks.
Then, if she keeps whining, you can say playfully "You don't sound like yourself. I wonder where your usual strong voice went?"
Express confidence that your child can use her "strong" voice and offer your assistance to help her find it, by making it into a game: "Hey, where did your strong voice go? It was here a minute ago. I LOVE your strong voice! I'll help you find it. Help me look. Is it under the chair? No...In the toy box? No.... HEY! You found it!! That was your strong voice!! Yay! I love your strong voice! Now, tell me again what you need, in your strong voice.".....(continue reading)
Blog Entry of the Week
Try a Little Tenderness
"Giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health. People who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety, and tend to be happier and more optimistic. Preliminary data suggest that self-compassion can even influence how much we eat and may help some people lose weight." -- Tara Parker Pope
A new wave of research supports the view that being compassionate toward ourselves not only makes us happier, but helps us become the person we want to be. Tara Parker-Pope's recent article in the New York Times reviews this research, with particular attention to how self-compassion keeps us from over-eating.
Makes sense, right? We know that when we feel bad, we engage in all sorts of unhealthy habits to feel better -- overeating, shopping, drinking, zoning out in front of screens. Or we lash out, yelling at our children, snarling at our spouse. Naturally, we feel worse. We spiral down into self loathing.
It would be simpler, of course, if you could always just feel good and never make mistakes. But you're human, right? By definition, that means imperfect. So the trick is continuing to feel compassion for yourself when you make a mistake -- or when your child makes a mistake, and you attack yourself for being a bad parent.
Of course, self-compassion takes practice. As compassion researcher Kristin Neff says, “The problem is that it’s hard to unlearn habits of a lifetime. People have to actively and consciously develop the habit of self-compassion.”
How can you develop the habit of self-compassion? Here are three concrete strategies....... (Continue reading)
Parenting Question of the Week
8 Year Old Tantrums
Dr. Laura,
My 8 year old has "melt downs" that seem extreme. We were camping. I asked for the bag of marshmallows. Instead of carrying them the 4' to me she threw them. The mellies ended up spilled on the ground. I asked her why she did this and she started to throw a tantrum. I told her that she could go in the tent to cool off. Once in the tent she was screaming, yelling, crying and causing such a ruckus. I had to quiet her down but by the time she got to that point I couldn't calm her...
Your daughter’s tantrums must seem incomprehensible to you. But she’s showing you that she needs something from you, something of critical importance in her emotional development. She needs your help to learn to regulate her emotions.
The next time your daughter has a meltdown, see it as an opportunity to help her develop the ability to self soothe.
You may have heard that letting children calm down in isolation helps them learn to self-soothe. The opposite is true. Brain development requires little ones to be soothed by someone else, and from that they develop the neural network to soothe themselves. If they don't develop this neural network in infancy, whether because they are left to cry or for some other reason, they will need your help to develop it during childhood.
So how do you help your daughter learn to self soothe, so she can stop her big feelings from exploding into a tantrum? The most effective parenting tool there is: Empathy.
Instead of sending her off somewhere to calm down when she starts to lose it, stay with her. Being alone when she’s that upset won’t teach her what she needs to learn. She needs to borrow your strength and calm. Remind yourself to keep breathing, not to take anything she says or does personally, and how much you love her.
....At this point you may be thinking that you’ll be letting your daughter get away with being lazy, and careless in her marshmallow-passing skills, not to mention throwing tantrums. ...... (Continue reading)
Parenting Secret of the Week:
10 Tips to Help Your Child Overcome Shyness
Were you shy as a child? Half of all adults think of themselves as shy, and many more say that they were shy as children.
But shy kids are at a disadvantage in our outgoing, busy culture, because they have a harder time relaxing and connecting with others. Shyness can keep kids from learning the social skills that let them be part of a group, and it can compromise their school performance by making them anxious about asking questions. Worst of all, shy kids can begin a pattern of isolation that keeps them from meeting others, beginning friendships and romances, and simply connecting with other human beings. Scientists now think that social contact is one of our most important human needs, positively impacting our emotional and physical health on every level throughout our lives.
The good news is that shy kids can learn to manage shyness. They just need a little extra support. So what’s the best way to help your child overcome shyness?
1. Nurture your child by noticing her needs and responding to them. Shy baby chimps given to extremely nurturing mothers became leaders in their group, while their shy siblings raised by average mothers remained shy and fearful throughout life. Responsive mothering helps shy little ones learn to calm themselves and manage their reactions. That allows their heightened sensitivity to become an asset, because it makes them more responsive to the needs of their peers and better at negotiating group situations.
2. Empathize with your child’s shyness and avoid shaming him. Acknowledging what he feels, without negative judgment, helps him to feel good about himself. Giving him the impression that there is something wrong with him will just make him feel worse about himself, and therefore more insecure and shy. Empathizing with your child will also help him develop empathy, which will enhance his social skills and keep him connected to others.....(continue reading)
Ages & Stages: Toddlers & Preschoolers
Pre-empt Whining
Should they get what they want by whining? Absolutely not. Should they learn that they can get their way by marshalling good arguments and making them in a reasonable, humorous, charming way that meets your needs as well as theirs? Absolutely, if you want them to get anywhere in life. But how to help them make that transition?
Whining is common with toddlers and preschoolers. Parents are usually advised to tell their kids to ask in a nice voice, because they can't hear the whiny voice. But whining is a symptom of a deeper issue. So if you want to eliminate whining, you have to address what's underneath. If your child's whining is driving you crazy, here are six parent-proven secrets to stop your child from whining. Which secret you use depends on why he's whining.
1. Whining because he doesn't have the internal resources to cope with what's being asked of him: Meet his basic needs for food, rest, down time, run-around time. He may not tantrum as much as he used to, but he will certainly whine if you force him to endure that shopping trip while he’s hungry and tired. Why create a negative situation from which he’ll learn and repeat?
2. Whining because she needs more connection: Be pre-emptive. Make sure that your child gets enough of your positive attention, unprovoked. Pre-empt whining by giving attention BEFORE she gets demanding. Anyone who's had to ask a romantic partner "Do you love me?" knows that attention given after you ask can never really fill the need. The secret is to take the initiative and give attention the child hasn’t asked for, often, so she feels your support and connection. And of course it's particularly important to give attention when she shows the first sign of needing your emotional support, before that quick downhill slide.
3. Whining because she doesn't like what's happening but feels powerless to get her way:
Lawrence Cohen says, "When children whine they are feeling powerless. If we scold them for whining or refuse to listen to them we increase their feelings of powerlessness. If we give in so they will stop whining, we reward that powerlessness. But if we relaxedly, playfully, invite them to use a strong voice, we increase their sense of confidence and competence. And we find a bridge back to close connection."
Start by letting her know that you hear what she wants, and you see her point of view: "You really want to go to the playground, and you keep telling me that, and here I keep stopping at all these stores that you aren't expecting, and you're disappointed, right?" Sometimes just feeling heard is enough to stop whining in its tracks.
Then, if she keeps whining, you can say playfully "You don't sound like yourself. I wonder where your usual strong voice went?"
Express confidence that your child can use her "strong" voice and offer your assistance to help her find it, by making it into a game: "Hey, where did your strong voice go? It was here a minute ago. I LOVE your strong voice! I'll help you find it. Help me look. Is it under the chair? No...In the toy box? No.... HEY! You found it!! That was your strong voice!! Yay! I love your strong voice! Now, tell me again what you need, in your strong voice.".....(continue reading)
Blog Entry of the Week
Try a Little Tenderness
"Giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health. People who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety, and tend to be happier and more optimistic. Preliminary data suggest that self-compassion can even influence how much we eat and may help some people lose weight." -- Tara Parker Pope
A new wave of research supports the view that being compassionate toward ourselves not only makes us happier, but helps us become the person we want to be. Tara Parker-Pope's recent article in the New York Times reviews this research, with particular attention to how self-compassion keeps us from over-eating.
Makes sense, right? We know that when we feel bad, we engage in all sorts of unhealthy habits to feel better -- overeating, shopping, drinking, zoning out in front of screens. Or we lash out, yelling at our children, snarling at our spouse. Naturally, we feel worse. We spiral down into self loathing.
It would be simpler, of course, if you could always just feel good and never make mistakes. But you're human, right? By definition, that means imperfect. So the trick is continuing to feel compassion for yourself when you make a mistake -- or when your child makes a mistake, and you attack yourself for being a bad parent.
Of course, self-compassion takes practice. As compassion researcher Kristin Neff says, “The problem is that it’s hard to unlearn habits of a lifetime. People have to actively and consciously develop the habit of self-compassion.”
How can you develop the habit of self-compassion? Here are three concrete strategies....... (Continue reading)
Parenting Question of the Week
8 Year Old Tantrums
Dr. Laura,
My 8 year old has "melt downs" that seem extreme. We were camping. I asked for the bag of marshmallows. Instead of carrying them the 4' to me she threw them. The mellies ended up spilled on the ground. I asked her why she did this and she started to throw a tantrum. I told her that she could go in the tent to cool off. Once in the tent she was screaming, yelling, crying and causing such a ruckus. I had to quiet her down but by the time she got to that point I couldn't calm her...
Your daughter’s tantrums must seem incomprehensible to you. But she’s showing you that she needs something from you, something of critical importance in her emotional development. She needs your help to learn to regulate her emotions.
The next time your daughter has a meltdown, see it as an opportunity to help her develop the ability to self soothe.
You may have heard that letting children calm down in isolation helps them learn to self-soothe. The opposite is true. Brain development requires little ones to be soothed by someone else, and from that they develop the neural network to soothe themselves. If they don't develop this neural network in infancy, whether because they are left to cry or for some other reason, they will need your help to develop it during childhood.
So how do you help your daughter learn to self soothe, so she can stop her big feelings from exploding into a tantrum? The most effective parenting tool there is: Empathy.
Instead of sending her off somewhere to calm down when she starts to lose it, stay with her. Being alone when she’s that upset won’t teach her what she needs to learn. She needs to borrow your strength and calm. Remind yourself to keep breathing, not to take anything she says or does personally, and how much you love her.
....At this point you may be thinking that you’ll be letting your daughter get away with being lazy, and careless in her marshmallow-passing skills, not to mention throwing tantrums. ...... (Continue reading)
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Dating after Divorce:
Dating after Divorce:
Straight Answers to 7 of the most Challenging Questions!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I applaud parents who are striving to create a child-centered divorce. It's not always the easiest path, but it certainly is the most rewarding in the long-term for your children. It involves understanding and respecting your children's needs whenever you are making decisions about your own life. As parents move beyond divorce and start thinking about the prospect of finding new relationships, there is much to take into account.
Here are some common questions I am asked and the advice I suggest.
Is it ok to date when you're separated, or should you wait until you are legally divorced?
It's always better to take some time to prepare yourself before starting to date - legally divorced or not. Are you feeling clear and complete regarding your divorce? Are you emotionally comfortable and ready to move on? Did you learn the lessons you need to learn so you don't repeat past mistakes? Dating won't resolve anger, conflicts and insecurities, so do the inner work first before getting out into the dating world - regardless of how long it takes.
How long should you wait before introducing your "dates" to your children?
Take your time and get to know your new partner very well before introducing them to your child of any age. Children are emotionally vulnerable when new adults enter their lives, especially when they're dating Mom or Dad. Don't create a revolving door of "new friends" for your children to meet. Wait until you know this is a very special friend worthy of their attention. And then take it very slowly.
Make sure you remind your children that no one will ever replace their "real" Mom or Dad (unless you are justified in doing so). The transitions are a lot smoother when the new "friend" doesn't come across as a new "parent."
On holidays, should you make an effort to try to spend time with your ex, to create a family-holiday atmosphere for your child?
In most cases the more time Mom and Dad spend "family style" with the children, the happier the kids are. If you can include your former spouse in holiday activities - even if for only a period of time - your children will appreciate that. You are modeling behavior your kids will emulate in their own lives. Give your children the gift of peace and harmony when you and your ex are together - and make it as often as possible!
Special events, graduations, birthdays and holidays can be so much more enjoyable when the kids don't have to choose between the parents they love - and those parents behave like mature adults in their presence.
If you had a good relationship with your ex's family, should you try to stay in touch?
You are only divorcing your former spouse, not your children's grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. The more you can continue life routines as close to normal, the easier the transition for your children. Make every effort to maintain relationships with extended family on both sides. Your children will appreciate it and thank you! So will Grandma and Granddad.
How long does it take after you are divorced to start considering getting remarried?
Second marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages. That's because too many people don't learn from their experiences and errors. Take your time in exploring the lessons and "gifts" from your divorce. See a counselor or join a support group for outside insights. Enjoy the dating process. When you feel you've sincerely let go of the baggage from the past you can then consider starting another new chapter in your life.
It's the 21st Century, do you really need to be in a committed relationship to have sex?
In our culture sex is entwined with deep emotions, self-respect and security issues. Casual sex can work for a period of time, but usually not for both parties simultaneously. A committed relationship is based on trust, surrender, respect, safety, responsibility and maturity. These qualities make sex more satisfying and meaningful. People with high self-esteem usually prefer the emotional fulfillment of sex in a committed relationship. If you don't, it's worth spending time asking yourself why. You may discover some insights worth exploring more deeply.
Do you consider the children of the person you are dating as baggage, and does that necessarily have a negative connotation?
Anyone who considers their date's children as baggage should never date anyone with children. Children deserve better than to be considered an annoyance to put up with. If you're a parent, don't ever date someone who does not love and enjoy your children. The relationship will only deteriorate and you never want to have to choose between your children and your love partner. If you feel burdened by your children, seek counseling to help work through this challenge. Children are sensitive. When they pick up on your feelings it will create emotional pain and insecurity that no child deserves.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator, divorce coach and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, ezine and other valuable resources on creating a child-centered divorce, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Straight Answers to 7 of the most Challenging Questions!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I applaud parents who are striving to create a child-centered divorce. It's not always the easiest path, but it certainly is the most rewarding in the long-term for your children. It involves understanding and respecting your children's needs whenever you are making decisions about your own life. As parents move beyond divorce and start thinking about the prospect of finding new relationships, there is much to take into account.
Here are some common questions I am asked and the advice I suggest.
Is it ok to date when you're separated, or should you wait until you are legally divorced?
It's always better to take some time to prepare yourself before starting to date - legally divorced or not. Are you feeling clear and complete regarding your divorce? Are you emotionally comfortable and ready to move on? Did you learn the lessons you need to learn so you don't repeat past mistakes? Dating won't resolve anger, conflicts and insecurities, so do the inner work first before getting out into the dating world - regardless of how long it takes.
How long should you wait before introducing your "dates" to your children?
Take your time and get to know your new partner very well before introducing them to your child of any age. Children are emotionally vulnerable when new adults enter their lives, especially when they're dating Mom or Dad. Don't create a revolving door of "new friends" for your children to meet. Wait until you know this is a very special friend worthy of their attention. And then take it very slowly.
Make sure you remind your children that no one will ever replace their "real" Mom or Dad (unless you are justified in doing so). The transitions are a lot smoother when the new "friend" doesn't come across as a new "parent."
On holidays, should you make an effort to try to spend time with your ex, to create a family-holiday atmosphere for your child?
In most cases the more time Mom and Dad spend "family style" with the children, the happier the kids are. If you can include your former spouse in holiday activities - even if for only a period of time - your children will appreciate that. You are modeling behavior your kids will emulate in their own lives. Give your children the gift of peace and harmony when you and your ex are together - and make it as often as possible!
Special events, graduations, birthdays and holidays can be so much more enjoyable when the kids don't have to choose between the parents they love - and those parents behave like mature adults in their presence.
If you had a good relationship with your ex's family, should you try to stay in touch?
You are only divorcing your former spouse, not your children's grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. The more you can continue life routines as close to normal, the easier the transition for your children. Make every effort to maintain relationships with extended family on both sides. Your children will appreciate it and thank you! So will Grandma and Granddad.
How long does it take after you are divorced to start considering getting remarried?
Second marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages. That's because too many people don't learn from their experiences and errors. Take your time in exploring the lessons and "gifts" from your divorce. See a counselor or join a support group for outside insights. Enjoy the dating process. When you feel you've sincerely let go of the baggage from the past you can then consider starting another new chapter in your life.
It's the 21st Century, do you really need to be in a committed relationship to have sex?
In our culture sex is entwined with deep emotions, self-respect and security issues. Casual sex can work for a period of time, but usually not for both parties simultaneously. A committed relationship is based on trust, surrender, respect, safety, responsibility and maturity. These qualities make sex more satisfying and meaningful. People with high self-esteem usually prefer the emotional fulfillment of sex in a committed relationship. If you don't, it's worth spending time asking yourself why. You may discover some insights worth exploring more deeply.
Do you consider the children of the person you are dating as baggage, and does that necessarily have a negative connotation?
Anyone who considers their date's children as baggage should never date anyone with children. Children deserve better than to be considered an annoyance to put up with. If you're a parent, don't ever date someone who does not love and enjoy your children. The relationship will only deteriorate and you never want to have to choose between your children and your love partner. If you feel burdened by your children, seek counseling to help work through this challenge. Children are sensitive. When they pick up on your feelings it will create emotional pain and insecurity that no child deserves.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator, divorce coach and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, ezine and other valuable resources on creating a child-centered divorce, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Child-Centered Divorce News Alert: New Website, Services & More! Child-Centered Divorce News Alert!
Child-Centered Divorce News Alert: New Website, Services & More!
Child-Centered Divorce News Alert!
New website! New services - lots more!
Thank you for your continuing support of the Child-Centered
Divorce Network. Because I know you care about issues related
to divorce and parenting, I wanted to update you about new
additions to our services.
1) New website: If you haven't visited our website recently
I'm proud to invite you to check out our totally revised and
easy-to-navigate updated site at http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=I.R9VfFJuUZMxH&b=apbvNRMjhqETc_sP3Sdv9w.
On this new website you'll find:
A. Easier access to my Blog: just click the BLOG button
B. New audio and video Interviews about Child-Centered
Divorce and the challenges of raising children before, during
and after a divorce: scroll down on the right-side column or
click on the MEDIA button.
C. Greatly expanded links to Child-Centered Divorce experts,
books, websites, associations and more: just click on FREE RESOURCES
2) New Coaching Services: click the COACHING button on the new
website
A. Learn about my new Mastering Child-Centered Divorce Audio
Coaching Program with Workbook and special bonuses. You'll discover
the warning signs of problems, behaviors to avoid, the path to
peaceful resolution, resources available to you, proven success
strategies, stress-reduction tips and more.
B. Personal One-on-One Coaching: talk directly to me about your
challenges via telephone (or face to face if you're in the area).
On the website under COACHING scroll down to the bottom of the
page.
To show your support for our Child-Centered Divorce Network please
visit our page on facebook and click the "Like" button at top:
facebook.com/childcentereddivorce
I also invite you to follow my tweets on Twitter. They're great
tips about the Child-Centered Divorce message coming to you daily:
twitter.com/RosalindSedacca
Again, many thanks for being part of our Network. Please spread the
word to others.
Sincere best wishes,
Rosalind Sedacca
P.S.: I welcome your feedback about my book, ezine articles and
child-centered divorce topics.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa
Child-Centered Divorce News Alert!
New website! New services - lots more!
Thank you for your continuing support of the Child-Centered
Divorce Network. Because I know you care about issues related
to divorce and parenting, I wanted to update you about new
additions to our services.
1) New website: If you haven't visited our website recently
I'm proud to invite you to check out our totally revised and
easy-to-navigate updated site at http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=I.R9VfFJuUZMxH&b=apbvNRMjhqETc_sP3Sdv9w.
On this new website you'll find:
A. Easier access to my Blog: just click the BLOG button
B. New audio and video Interviews about Child-Centered
Divorce and the challenges of raising children before, during
and after a divorce: scroll down on the right-side column or
click on the MEDIA button.
C. Greatly expanded links to Child-Centered Divorce experts,
books, websites, associations and more: just click on FREE RESOURCES
2) New Coaching Services: click the COACHING button on the new
website
A. Learn about my new Mastering Child-Centered Divorce Audio
Coaching Program with Workbook and special bonuses. You'll discover
the warning signs of problems, behaviors to avoid, the path to
peaceful resolution, resources available to you, proven success
strategies, stress-reduction tips and more.
B. Personal One-on-One Coaching: talk directly to me about your
challenges via telephone (or face to face if you're in the area).
On the website under COACHING scroll down to the bottom of the
page.
To show your support for our Child-Centered Divorce Network please
visit our page on facebook and click the "Like" button at top:
facebook.com/childcentereddivorce
I also invite you to follow my tweets on Twitter. They're great
tips about the Child-Centered Divorce message coming to you daily:
twitter.com/RosalindSedacca
Again, many thanks for being part of our Network. Please spread the
word to others.
Sincere best wishes,
Rosalind Sedacca
P.S.: I welcome your feedback about my book, ezine articles and
child-centered divorce topics.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa
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