4 Ways to Ease the Between-Home Transitions for Your Kids
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
During divorce proceedings parenting plans or contact schedules are usually established to create a semblance of routine in this new chapter of family life. I am a strong believer in co-parenting whenever possible to serve the best interest of your children. But it's the reality of post-divorce daily life that puts everyone to the test.
Here are 4 ways to ease the process for everyone involved.
1. Be patient with one another. Starting any new schedule in life is never easy. Chances are the between-homes transition will present a number of challenges for you as you adapt to the many responsibilities involved. At the same time, think about the challenges for your children who never signed on for this. Be especially empathic with them if they express frustration, anger and resentment at first. Also allow your children time to adjust to the "new" home after each transition. In time these changes will become just another "routine."
2. Be prepared with all information in advance. Never argue or have disagreements over drop-off and pick-up details in front of your children. Have a calendar or other device available some you and the kids can see at a glance when transitions will occur. Create a system for creating and confirming schedule data -- and use it. Know the answers before leaving home. Keep drop offs quick, simple and pleasant for the kids. Create a brief goodbye routine and send them on their way with a hug and a smile. If there are issues to discuss, talk to your ex when you're both alone at another time.
3. Be pleasant and positive. Some children feel guilty about staying at the other parent's house. They fear you'll feel lonely or abandoned. It's important to give your children permission to enjoy themselves and their time with Dad or Mom. Tell them you have much to do and will appreciate some "alone" time. Remind them you will also miss them and look forward to their return. In advance, talk to them about the fun they will have and how much their other parent wants to see them, as well. Let them know both Mom and Dad love them and deserve time with them. Never say disrespectful things about your ex before the visit or ask them to spy on your behalf. Let your children enjoy just being kids!
4. Be cooperative, flexible and understanding. Allow your children to feel free to contact their other parent -- and let that parent contact them when necessary. Never create the feeling that their Mom or Dad is the enemy who can't invade on YOUR time with the kids. Be respectful when you do check in with them - and allow the same courtesy to your ex. That is what co-parenting is all about. Sometimes plans change. Bend over backwards to accommodate your ex and more than likely they will do the same for you. This models behavior you want your children to learn anyway. Why not take the high road and be the parent you want your children to admire and emulate?
If you keep these points in mind, you will be on your way to creating and living the child-centered divorce you want for your children. You have the power to make one of the most challenging post-divorce realities - sharing time with your children - a smooth and pleasant reality. You will all benefit from the effort you make to do it right from the very beginning. So why choose any other plan?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Child-Centered Divorce: It's Never Too Late to Get it Right - for your Children!
Child-Centered Divorce: It's Never Too Late to Get it Right
- for your Children!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Whether you got divorced several weeks ago or it's been several years, most of us can acknowledge that we've made some mistakes.
Perhaps we lost our tempers at an inappropriate time and watched our children painfully internalize the experience.
Maybe we referred to our ex in a rather unflattering way only to find our child get very upset and storm away in anger.
Chances are, in the heat of the divorce drama, we settled for a decision or two that we later regretted and still feel resentful. Or we made a child-related agreement that, in hindsight, was not in our child's best interest - but we don't know quite how to remedy the situation.
While some legal matters will involve only legal resolution, there are many post-divorce relationship decisions involving our children that we can remedy. And it's never too late to make amends and get it right.
If you have found that your children are suffering or hurting due to a decision you made when you were more motivated by anger than by positive parenting and are now having regrets - take action.
That can mean having a heart-to-heart with your children and apologizing for actions or statements you made that created pain in their lives. Take responsibility, own those behaviors, and humbly explain that you made an error and now want to make some changes.
That may translate into letting them spend more time with their other parent ... no longer bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids ... inviting your ex to a holiday or school event with the children ... encourage the kids to have a visit with their "other" grandparents ... you get the idea.
Perhaps it means a straight-talk conversation with your ex that opens the door to better, more cooperative communication, trust and co-parenting. Or apologizing for harsh words and insults. Yes, this can be amazingly difficult to do from an ego perspective. But when you think about how much joy it can mean to your children when they see both of their parents getting along -- it's more than worth the swallowing of your pride. Chances are your ex will swallow some too - and be receptive to working things out in a more mature manner.
If you have nothing to "own" and all the tension and mistakes rest solely on the shoulders of your ex, try approaching them in a different way, focusing exclusively on the emotional needs of the children, and reaching out a hand in peace.
There's no guarantee this will work - and we all know some certified jerks out there of both genders - but I wouldn't give up - ever! Times change, people can change, and change may be just what your family needs so you can create a better outcome for the children you love.
When you take the "high" road and model responsible, effective behavior, you are giving your children the gift of learning how to do that themselves. It's a gift that will pay off for you and them many times in the years ahead. One day your children will thank you for making things "right." They'll acknowledge you for being such a model Mom or Dad, despite the challenges you faced. And believe me, you will be proud of the parent you worked so hard to become.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide(TM) to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
- for your Children!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Whether you got divorced several weeks ago or it's been several years, most of us can acknowledge that we've made some mistakes.
Perhaps we lost our tempers at an inappropriate time and watched our children painfully internalize the experience.
Maybe we referred to our ex in a rather unflattering way only to find our child get very upset and storm away in anger.
Chances are, in the heat of the divorce drama, we settled for a decision or two that we later regretted and still feel resentful. Or we made a child-related agreement that, in hindsight, was not in our child's best interest - but we don't know quite how to remedy the situation.
While some legal matters will involve only legal resolution, there are many post-divorce relationship decisions involving our children that we can remedy. And it's never too late to make amends and get it right.
If you have found that your children are suffering or hurting due to a decision you made when you were more motivated by anger than by positive parenting and are now having regrets - take action.
That can mean having a heart-to-heart with your children and apologizing for actions or statements you made that created pain in their lives. Take responsibility, own those behaviors, and humbly explain that you made an error and now want to make some changes.
That may translate into letting them spend more time with their other parent ... no longer bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids ... inviting your ex to a holiday or school event with the children ... encourage the kids to have a visit with their "other" grandparents ... you get the idea.
Perhaps it means a straight-talk conversation with your ex that opens the door to better, more cooperative communication, trust and co-parenting. Or apologizing for harsh words and insults. Yes, this can be amazingly difficult to do from an ego perspective. But when you think about how much joy it can mean to your children when they see both of their parents getting along -- it's more than worth the swallowing of your pride. Chances are your ex will swallow some too - and be receptive to working things out in a more mature manner.
If you have nothing to "own" and all the tension and mistakes rest solely on the shoulders of your ex, try approaching them in a different way, focusing exclusively on the emotional needs of the children, and reaching out a hand in peace.
There's no guarantee this will work - and we all know some certified jerks out there of both genders - but I wouldn't give up - ever! Times change, people can change, and change may be just what your family needs so you can create a better outcome for the children you love.
When you take the "high" road and model responsible, effective behavior, you are giving your children the gift of learning how to do that themselves. It's a gift that will pay off for you and them many times in the years ahead. One day your children will thank you for making things "right." They'll acknowledge you for being such a model Mom or Dad, despite the challenges you faced. And believe me, you will be proud of the parent you worked so hard to become.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide(TM) to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Thursday, February 10, 2011
5 Single Parent Strategies for Communicating with your Child's Other Parent
5 Single Parent Strategies for Communicating
with your Child's Other Parent
London-based Jennifer Broadley has been a successful single parent for many years. She offers some valuable thoughts about how best to communicate with your child's other parent. While some of the phrases and word spelling is slightly different than American Engish, her sentiments are universal and worth heeding. You can learn more about Jennifer at www.successfulsingleparenting.com.
I heard a journalist say recently that "there's a vicious and respectless way of communicating that's reserved exclusively for the 'divorced with children'". Ouch, that hurt! Probably because it's so true. It doesn't have to be like that and for the sake of building a bridge with our children's other parent here are some ground-rules for practicing how to play fare. (For the sake of ease here, I'm going to assume that we're talking about divorce or separation and that the children have residence with their mum; their dad having moved to a separate home).
1. Focus on the Present and the Future
Conversations between separated Mums and Dads about the past often get heated, stressed and even dangerous. Ideally, you want to get to a point where your communication is calm and actively contributes to a positive future. If you have unresolved issues relating to your past relationship, you must find a way to process these independently to your conversations with your ex. Find a good councellor, a qualified friend or family member (i.e. they know how to keep you moving forward and are not going to spend time just agreeing with you), or an anger-management therapist - whoever it is, work through your feelings about your ex-partner in a constructive and forward-focused way in your own time.
2. Focus on the Children's Wellbeing
Remember that regardless of what you think about your child's other parent, your child loves you both and is not a pawn. Try to encourage a good relationship with their dad after he's moved away and build up the time your children spend with him to a level where everyone's happy. Initially it may be that the children just want to be in familiar surroundings for the majority of the time. Encourage and equip them to talk about how they feel and be aware not to manipulate or colour their thinking. Asking what they want is a good start, however sometimes they will have to be stretched out of their comfort zone (like they may just have to go and spend the weekend at Dad's flat) for the long-term benefit of all their relationships.
3. Give Yourself a Time Limit for Conversations
If you find that your tolerance level for being civil to your ex-partner is limited, then make sure you only talk in short blocks of time. Practice 'doing diaries' in under 10 minutes. If you feel yourself start to get anxious, then suggest that 'we look at this again next week'.
4. Get Comfortable With Not Concluding
Not all conversations about our children have to be concluded right now. Try to plan ahead when negotiating access, holidays, saving for gifts, having your children be at their friend's parties, etc. Mention ahead of time that you'd like to take the children to Cornwall, or you want to have them visit their Granny on her birthday. This will allow time for both parties to consider the benefits for the children and to consider what a compromise or re-negotiation might look like.
5. Be Respectful
Challenging though it might be, talking to your ex with respect is the best way to begin to change things for the better. I know how hard this can be - especially in the early days; but it will get easier with practice and persistence. You owe it to yourself and to your children and ultimately it will reduce anxiety and increase happiness all round.
These excellent suggestions come from the wisdom and experience of living it. Failing to understand the importance of creating a working, respectful, cooperative relationship between you and your child's other parent sets you up for pain, anxiety and frustration. Even more importantly, your child feels the stress as well and it creates emotional turmoil for them.
Two adults can't always agree on everything - especially when they've been divorced. But understanding that your child's well-being is at stake should keep you on the path toward mature compromise and productive dialogue.
If you have any thoughts to share with us on this topic, please send them along.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide(TM) to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
with your Child's Other Parent
London-based Jennifer Broadley has been a successful single parent for many years. She offers some valuable thoughts about how best to communicate with your child's other parent. While some of the phrases and word spelling is slightly different than American Engish, her sentiments are universal and worth heeding. You can learn more about Jennifer at www.successfulsingleparenting.com.
I heard a journalist say recently that "there's a vicious and respectless way of communicating that's reserved exclusively for the 'divorced with children'". Ouch, that hurt! Probably because it's so true. It doesn't have to be like that and for the sake of building a bridge with our children's other parent here are some ground-rules for practicing how to play fare. (For the sake of ease here, I'm going to assume that we're talking about divorce or separation and that the children have residence with their mum; their dad having moved to a separate home).
1. Focus on the Present and the Future
Conversations between separated Mums and Dads about the past often get heated, stressed and even dangerous. Ideally, you want to get to a point where your communication is calm and actively contributes to a positive future. If you have unresolved issues relating to your past relationship, you must find a way to process these independently to your conversations with your ex. Find a good councellor, a qualified friend or family member (i.e. they know how to keep you moving forward and are not going to spend time just agreeing with you), or an anger-management therapist - whoever it is, work through your feelings about your ex-partner in a constructive and forward-focused way in your own time.
2. Focus on the Children's Wellbeing
Remember that regardless of what you think about your child's other parent, your child loves you both and is not a pawn. Try to encourage a good relationship with their dad after he's moved away and build up the time your children spend with him to a level where everyone's happy. Initially it may be that the children just want to be in familiar surroundings for the majority of the time. Encourage and equip them to talk about how they feel and be aware not to manipulate or colour their thinking. Asking what they want is a good start, however sometimes they will have to be stretched out of their comfort zone (like they may just have to go and spend the weekend at Dad's flat) for the long-term benefit of all their relationships.
3. Give Yourself a Time Limit for Conversations
If you find that your tolerance level for being civil to your ex-partner is limited, then make sure you only talk in short blocks of time. Practice 'doing diaries' in under 10 minutes. If you feel yourself start to get anxious, then suggest that 'we look at this again next week'.
4. Get Comfortable With Not Concluding
Not all conversations about our children have to be concluded right now. Try to plan ahead when negotiating access, holidays, saving for gifts, having your children be at their friend's parties, etc. Mention ahead of time that you'd like to take the children to Cornwall, or you want to have them visit their Granny on her birthday. This will allow time for both parties to consider the benefits for the children and to consider what a compromise or re-negotiation might look like.
5. Be Respectful
Challenging though it might be, talking to your ex with respect is the best way to begin to change things for the better. I know how hard this can be - especially in the early days; but it will get easier with practice and persistence. You owe it to yourself and to your children and ultimately it will reduce anxiety and increase happiness all round.
These excellent suggestions come from the wisdom and experience of living it. Failing to understand the importance of creating a working, respectful, cooperative relationship between you and your child's other parent sets you up for pain, anxiety and frustration. Even more importantly, your child feels the stress as well and it creates emotional turmoil for them.
Two adults can't always agree on everything - especially when they've been divorced. But understanding that your child's well-being is at stake should keep you on the path toward mature compromise and productive dialogue.
If you have any thoughts to share with us on this topic, please send them along.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide(TM) to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Friday, February 4, 2011
Teen Consequences (2-4-2011)
Teen Consequences (2-4-2011)
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
Teenagers who are caught misbehaving will promise to change their behavior to prevent punishment. But it’s not until they experience the consequences that they’ll actually change.
I believe in occasionally extending grace, but when teenagers overstep boundaries, it is a parent’s responsibility to enforce age-appropriate consequences. Will they like the consequences? No. Who does? But experiencing them will help teach the teen “to not go there again.”
Consequences for teenagers should focus on the loss of privileges, like grounding the car, earlier curfew, or shelving the video games. And while you may feel disappointment in them, be sure to use these times to move toward your teen, not away from them.
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
Teenagers who are caught misbehaving will promise to change their behavior to prevent punishment. But it’s not until they experience the consequences that they’ll actually change.
I believe in occasionally extending grace, but when teenagers overstep boundaries, it is a parent’s responsibility to enforce age-appropriate consequences. Will they like the consequences? No. Who does? But experiencing them will help teach the teen “to not go there again.”
Consequences for teenagers should focus on the loss of privileges, like grounding the car, earlier curfew, or shelving the video games. And while you may feel disappointment in them, be sure to use these times to move toward your teen, not away from them.
Help For Single Parents With Teenagers
Help For Single Parents With Teenagers
One of the toughest roles anyone can have in today’s culture is that of a single parent. It’s hard enough to rear a child—especially a teenager—with two parents; but with one the burdens and pressures and problems multiply. My hat is off to every single parent. But more than praise for the difficulty of their task, I know from talking to so many of them that they need someone to walk with them and encourage them.
In almost every case, a single parent is walking down a road they didn’t plan to be on. They started with two parents, but something happened—death, divorce, abandonment—and now they are struggling to fill two roles that their children desperately need. They are trying to do an already difficult task without all of the resources they need. (If you know a single parent, go to them and find ways to encourage them. They won’t always know how to ask for the help they need, so take the initiative yourself.)
Practical Steps
There aren’t any easy answers. There isn’t a magic verse of Scripture that will fix all your problems. There isn’t one “cure all” that will remove all of the challenges that a single parent faces. But there are some practical steps that can offer help and hope in this very difficult job.
1) Hold firm to what you believe. Set rules and boundaries for your child and establish the consequences ahead of time. Don’t make the mistake of giving up on those standards because you are tired or discouraged. It is quite common for the other parent who is gone not to be supportive of your efforts as a parent—hold firm anyhow. Don’t allow that discouragement and the lack of positive feedback and support to make you give up.
2) Don’t be too lenient. Yes, your teens are missing something by not having both parents in their lives. You will not make things better by allowing that to be their excuse to get away with damaging and destructive behavior. You can’t “make it up to them” by letting them use your sympathy for them as a “get out jail free” card that allows them to do whatever they want.
3) Don’t lose sight of the value of time. One of the biggest impacts of single parenting is the economic impact. Most single parent families have a harder time making ends meet. I understand that you will have to work, perhaps longer and harder than before. But spending one on one time with your teens, asking them questions and letting them ask you questions is more important in this setting than ever before. Make time for your kids.
4) Find a source of input and encouragement. In a two-parent home, each parent gets feedback and input from the other. Ideas can be exchanged and one can pick up the slack of the other or fill in when one needs a rest. In the absence of that, find a group or an individual that understands your situation and can give you encouragement and good advice on the extra challenges you face as a single parent. Find someone — an extended family member or a sitter — to fill in for you once or twice a week, to give you time away to recharge your batteries. And don’t forget to take time to pray and meditate on God’s Word on a daily basis.
My friend Michael Card likens single parenting to a wilderness experiences. He says, “When you’re out there alone and isolated, it can be a little scary not knowing where you are or where to go. But when you’re out there with your kids, it’s terrifying. They are looking to you for guidance and direction, and though you would desperately like for someone to have kept you out of that situation in the first place, you have to be the leader and make sure they make it out safe and sound.”
But Michael also offers this hope for parents caught up in wilderness experiences, “Times in the wilderness can teach us to trust in God. The origin of the word ‘worship’ is worth-ship. So, people who go through those experiences in the wilderness come to learn His worth and therefore they learn to truly worship and trust Him even more.”
I find that so true. Though most of us don’t voluntarily choose wilderness experiences (like being a single parent), they can be times of great growth both in our relationship with God and with our children. Are you looking to God to give you strength, or are you trying to go it alone?
Caught in a Tug of War
I talked recently to a single mom named Sheri. She faces the very common dilemma of having established a set of rules and boundaries for her kids, but her former husband’s parenting style is very different. Instead of being an authority for their children, he tries to be a friend to them. I’m sure it won’t come as any shock to you that their teenage son prefers to avoid responsibility and accountability if he can.
I asked Sheri how that played out in her parenting. She said, “It’s very tough. He [their son] chooses to spend most of his time with his dad because he would rather be without the rules. I feel like our son is like the rope in a tug of war. That’s the thing that I never wanted to happen—but he is caught between two parents who love him but parent differently. I keep trying to let go so he is not torn between two directions.”
Sheri wants to do what is best for her son, yet in some ways she is being penalized for trying to do things right. That’s not an easy thing to deal with. You never want to back off from doing right in order to have a better relationship with your child. (By the way, most of the time this is the pattern that we see in divorce situations—the mom is trying to hold the line firm while the dad lets the kids get away with murder so they will “like him.”)
Don’t Give Up
Though it’s very hard advice, I encouraged Sheri to never give up; trust in the Lord and keep praying. There are times when you can’t fix things and you have to hunker down and deal with them. Remember, even though you don’t see the results right away, God will honor your stand for what’s right.
You may be familiar with the story of Eric Liddell which was told in the move Chariots of Fire. Liddell, the son of Scottish missionaries, was one of the premier track runners in the world. He refused to run the 100 meter dash in the 1924 Olympics because the qualifying race was held on a Sunday. Though the 100 was his best event, a few days later Liddell won the gold medal in the 400 meter dash–a race he hadn’t prepared to run. Clutched in his hand he had a note given him by an American runner with the words “Them that honor Me I will honor” (1 Samuel 2:30) written on it.
Whatever you do, don’t give up! The effort is worth the cost, and your children will be far better off because you loved them enough to do what was right and best for them.
By the way, we talk about this issue in-depth on our radio program last weekend titled “Help for Single Parents.” Listen online here (or look for the program at www.parentingtodaysteens.org).
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173.
Get the help you need with your teenager, directly from Mark. Learn about our Families in Crisis Conference, February 17-19.
One of the toughest roles anyone can have in today’s culture is that of a single parent. It’s hard enough to rear a child—especially a teenager—with two parents; but with one the burdens and pressures and problems multiply. My hat is off to every single parent. But more than praise for the difficulty of their task, I know from talking to so many of them that they need someone to walk with them and encourage them.
In almost every case, a single parent is walking down a road they didn’t plan to be on. They started with two parents, but something happened—death, divorce, abandonment—and now they are struggling to fill two roles that their children desperately need. They are trying to do an already difficult task without all of the resources they need. (If you know a single parent, go to them and find ways to encourage them. They won’t always know how to ask for the help they need, so take the initiative yourself.)
Practical Steps
There aren’t any easy answers. There isn’t a magic verse of Scripture that will fix all your problems. There isn’t one “cure all” that will remove all of the challenges that a single parent faces. But there are some practical steps that can offer help and hope in this very difficult job.
1) Hold firm to what you believe. Set rules and boundaries for your child and establish the consequences ahead of time. Don’t make the mistake of giving up on those standards because you are tired or discouraged. It is quite common for the other parent who is gone not to be supportive of your efforts as a parent—hold firm anyhow. Don’t allow that discouragement and the lack of positive feedback and support to make you give up.
2) Don’t be too lenient. Yes, your teens are missing something by not having both parents in their lives. You will not make things better by allowing that to be their excuse to get away with damaging and destructive behavior. You can’t “make it up to them” by letting them use your sympathy for them as a “get out jail free” card that allows them to do whatever they want.
3) Don’t lose sight of the value of time. One of the biggest impacts of single parenting is the economic impact. Most single parent families have a harder time making ends meet. I understand that you will have to work, perhaps longer and harder than before. But spending one on one time with your teens, asking them questions and letting them ask you questions is more important in this setting than ever before. Make time for your kids.
4) Find a source of input and encouragement. In a two-parent home, each parent gets feedback and input from the other. Ideas can be exchanged and one can pick up the slack of the other or fill in when one needs a rest. In the absence of that, find a group or an individual that understands your situation and can give you encouragement and good advice on the extra challenges you face as a single parent. Find someone — an extended family member or a sitter — to fill in for you once or twice a week, to give you time away to recharge your batteries. And don’t forget to take time to pray and meditate on God’s Word on a daily basis.
My friend Michael Card likens single parenting to a wilderness experiences. He says, “When you’re out there alone and isolated, it can be a little scary not knowing where you are or where to go. But when you’re out there with your kids, it’s terrifying. They are looking to you for guidance and direction, and though you would desperately like for someone to have kept you out of that situation in the first place, you have to be the leader and make sure they make it out safe and sound.”
But Michael also offers this hope for parents caught up in wilderness experiences, “Times in the wilderness can teach us to trust in God. The origin of the word ‘worship’ is worth-ship. So, people who go through those experiences in the wilderness come to learn His worth and therefore they learn to truly worship and trust Him even more.”
I find that so true. Though most of us don’t voluntarily choose wilderness experiences (like being a single parent), they can be times of great growth both in our relationship with God and with our children. Are you looking to God to give you strength, or are you trying to go it alone?
Caught in a Tug of War
I talked recently to a single mom named Sheri. She faces the very common dilemma of having established a set of rules and boundaries for her kids, but her former husband’s parenting style is very different. Instead of being an authority for their children, he tries to be a friend to them. I’m sure it won’t come as any shock to you that their teenage son prefers to avoid responsibility and accountability if he can.
I asked Sheri how that played out in her parenting. She said, “It’s very tough. He [their son] chooses to spend most of his time with his dad because he would rather be without the rules. I feel like our son is like the rope in a tug of war. That’s the thing that I never wanted to happen—but he is caught between two parents who love him but parent differently. I keep trying to let go so he is not torn between two directions.”
Sheri wants to do what is best for her son, yet in some ways she is being penalized for trying to do things right. That’s not an easy thing to deal with. You never want to back off from doing right in order to have a better relationship with your child. (By the way, most of the time this is the pattern that we see in divorce situations—the mom is trying to hold the line firm while the dad lets the kids get away with murder so they will “like him.”)
Don’t Give Up
Though it’s very hard advice, I encouraged Sheri to never give up; trust in the Lord and keep praying. There are times when you can’t fix things and you have to hunker down and deal with them. Remember, even though you don’t see the results right away, God will honor your stand for what’s right.
You may be familiar with the story of Eric Liddell which was told in the move Chariots of Fire. Liddell, the son of Scottish missionaries, was one of the premier track runners in the world. He refused to run the 100 meter dash in the 1924 Olympics because the qualifying race was held on a Sunday. Though the 100 was his best event, a few days later Liddell won the gold medal in the 400 meter dash–a race he hadn’t prepared to run. Clutched in his hand he had a note given him by an American runner with the words “Them that honor Me I will honor” (1 Samuel 2:30) written on it.
Whatever you do, don’t give up! The effort is worth the cost, and your children will be far better off because you loved them enough to do what was right and best for them.
By the way, we talk about this issue in-depth on our radio program last weekend titled “Help for Single Parents.” Listen online here (or look for the program at www.parentingtodaysteens.org).
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173.
Get the help you need with your teenager, directly from Mark. Learn about our Families in Crisis Conference, February 17-19.
Ownership of Rules (2-3-2011)
Ownership of Rules (2-3-2011)
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
As you develop boundaries for your kids, I encourage you to make it a family project.
When you get your family together to develop boundaries, first outline what you believe the behavior in your home should be like. Then, develop age-appropriate rules to support such behavior. Let your children help you come up with consequences for breaking the rules. This will give them “ownership” for them and they’ll always know in advance what consequences they’ll face.
Then, be sure not to undermine it all by caving in and making exceptions when they break the rules. Nothing can be more damaging to your ability to enforce rules and improve behavior in your home than to make consequences a “maybe proposition.”
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
As you develop boundaries for your kids, I encourage you to make it a family project.
When you get your family together to develop boundaries, first outline what you believe the behavior in your home should be like. Then, develop age-appropriate rules to support such behavior. Let your children help you come up with consequences for breaking the rules. This will give them “ownership” for them and they’ll always know in advance what consequences they’ll face.
Then, be sure not to undermine it all by caving in and making exceptions when they break the rules. Nothing can be more damaging to your ability to enforce rules and improve behavior in your home than to make consequences a “maybe proposition.”
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Divorcing & Divorced Parents -- Keep the Kids out of your Conflict!
Divorcing & Divorced Parents -- Keep the Kids out of your Conflict!
When children get caught up in their parent's divorce conflicts, serious problems can develop that must be avoided at all costs. Regardless of your feelings about your ex or soon-to-be-former spouse, it is essential to keep that from your children.
Here are some excellent tips and advice offered by James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas. Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri.
Parents who are either in the middle of a divorce, thinking about divorce, or already divorced should pay careful attention to the following ways that parents put their children directly in the middle of the conflict, and do their best to avoid them!
1. Bad Mouthing
One of the most hurtful things a divorce parent can do to a child is to criticize the child's other parent in the child's presence. Statements such as "Your father caused our divorce", or "if it weren't for your mother, we'd still be a family," are common examples of "bad-mouthing"
2. Forcing a Child to Choose
It is harmful to pressure a child to "take sides" in a dispute between the divorced parents. Children have a right to their own thoughts and feelings about the divorce and deserve to know they will be loved by both parents regardless of the opinions and feelings they have. If parents are in conflict over custody or children are facing a decision about which home to live in, outside professionals should be called upon for help.
3. Spying
A parent who asks a child questions about the other parent's personal life is asking that child to become involved in the parents' conflicts. Children in this situation may end up feeling they have betrayed a parent they love.
4. Making the Child the Messenger
Parents make their children do a parent's job when they ask their children to carry messages to the other parent. Children learn indirect ways to communicate when asked to be messengers and may feel guilt over having to assume adult responsibilities for their parents' communication.
5. Sabotaging the Child's Routine
When parents fail to give a child medication, fail to follow through on discipline imposed by the other parent, or bend rules on bed-time, diet, or curfews out of anger for the other parent, they are involving the child in parental conflicts. Conflicted parents frequently take their children to medical professionals without consulting the other parents as a way of acting out unresolved divorce disputes. This practice places parental conflict above the child's medical well-being.
6. Compensating for the Other Parent's Failures
One divorced parent may view the other parent as a poor parent for being "too lenient," "too strict," "too involved," or "not involved enough." Such parents often try to compensate for the other parent's "failures" by being the opposite kind of parent. Children in such situations suffer by not having parents who are using a balanced approach to rearing children.
7. Making a Popularity Contest of Parenthood
A parent may try to win the affection of a child out of fear that the child favors the other parent. Such parents go overboard to "be nice" or refrain from being firm with their children. Children suffer in these situations by not having the advantage of a parent who is acting in the proper role of authority figure.
8. Being an Accomplice to Whining
A parent may allow a child to complain about the other parents without helping the child see a more balanced view of the other parent. If the parent either passively accepts the complaint or fails to urge the children to take up these grievances with the other parent they subtly encourage children to use indirect communication as a way of managing conflict.
9. Child Abuse Allegations
It is becoming common for conflicting parents to express their hostilities by making unfounded allegations of child abuse. For children the consequences of these allegations are negative and far-reaching. Children are drawn into evaluations, investigations, and court testimony which greatly increase the risk of prolonged confusion, hurt, and anger.
10. Custody Fights
Some parents pursue custody fights when they know perfectly well that the real reason for the custody action is to be vindictive. Children experience custody battles between their parents as extremely stressful.
11. Child Support
Parents too often use child support by withholding it, demanding more, or making payments late when the real motivation is to perpetuate a dispute with the former spouse. In many homes children suffer directly when child support payments are not made regularly or when conflict is expressed indirectly in this way.
12. Using Noble Ideas to Hide Double Standards
A custodial parent might say "I want her to make her own decisions" when a child refused to visit the non-custodial parent but strictly enforce curfews when the same child wants to stay out late. A custodial parent might say "He has the right to his own feelings" if a child says critical things about his non-custodial parent but lecture and browbeat the same child for "talking back" at home. Children are sensitive to inconsistencies. They react to them with mistrust and cynicism.
If you are even slightly falling into one of these traps, your children's sense of well-being, confidence and security are being threatened. Take a few minutes to do an inner search with yourself. If you are guilty of slipping into any of these abusive strategies, rethink your behavior and start making amends. Talk to a professional counselor or coach for additional support and advice. Your children will thank you when they are grown!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide(TM) to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
When children get caught up in their parent's divorce conflicts, serious problems can develop that must be avoided at all costs. Regardless of your feelings about your ex or soon-to-be-former spouse, it is essential to keep that from your children.
Here are some excellent tips and advice offered by James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas. Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri.
Parents who are either in the middle of a divorce, thinking about divorce, or already divorced should pay careful attention to the following ways that parents put their children directly in the middle of the conflict, and do their best to avoid them!
1. Bad Mouthing
One of the most hurtful things a divorce parent can do to a child is to criticize the child's other parent in the child's presence. Statements such as "Your father caused our divorce", or "if it weren't for your mother, we'd still be a family," are common examples of "bad-mouthing"
2. Forcing a Child to Choose
It is harmful to pressure a child to "take sides" in a dispute between the divorced parents. Children have a right to their own thoughts and feelings about the divorce and deserve to know they will be loved by both parents regardless of the opinions and feelings they have. If parents are in conflict over custody or children are facing a decision about which home to live in, outside professionals should be called upon for help.
3. Spying
A parent who asks a child questions about the other parent's personal life is asking that child to become involved in the parents' conflicts. Children in this situation may end up feeling they have betrayed a parent they love.
4. Making the Child the Messenger
Parents make their children do a parent's job when they ask their children to carry messages to the other parent. Children learn indirect ways to communicate when asked to be messengers and may feel guilt over having to assume adult responsibilities for their parents' communication.
5. Sabotaging the Child's Routine
When parents fail to give a child medication, fail to follow through on discipline imposed by the other parent, or bend rules on bed-time, diet, or curfews out of anger for the other parent, they are involving the child in parental conflicts. Conflicted parents frequently take their children to medical professionals without consulting the other parents as a way of acting out unresolved divorce disputes. This practice places parental conflict above the child's medical well-being.
6. Compensating for the Other Parent's Failures
One divorced parent may view the other parent as a poor parent for being "too lenient," "too strict," "too involved," or "not involved enough." Such parents often try to compensate for the other parent's "failures" by being the opposite kind of parent. Children in such situations suffer by not having parents who are using a balanced approach to rearing children.
7. Making a Popularity Contest of Parenthood
A parent may try to win the affection of a child out of fear that the child favors the other parent. Such parents go overboard to "be nice" or refrain from being firm with their children. Children suffer in these situations by not having the advantage of a parent who is acting in the proper role of authority figure.
8. Being an Accomplice to Whining
A parent may allow a child to complain about the other parents without helping the child see a more balanced view of the other parent. If the parent either passively accepts the complaint or fails to urge the children to take up these grievances with the other parent they subtly encourage children to use indirect communication as a way of managing conflict.
9. Child Abuse Allegations
It is becoming common for conflicting parents to express their hostilities by making unfounded allegations of child abuse. For children the consequences of these allegations are negative and far-reaching. Children are drawn into evaluations, investigations, and court testimony which greatly increase the risk of prolonged confusion, hurt, and anger.
10. Custody Fights
Some parents pursue custody fights when they know perfectly well that the real reason for the custody action is to be vindictive. Children experience custody battles between their parents as extremely stressful.
11. Child Support
Parents too often use child support by withholding it, demanding more, or making payments late when the real motivation is to perpetuate a dispute with the former spouse. In many homes children suffer directly when child support payments are not made regularly or when conflict is expressed indirectly in this way.
12. Using Noble Ideas to Hide Double Standards
A custodial parent might say "I want her to make her own decisions" when a child refused to visit the non-custodial parent but strictly enforce curfews when the same child wants to stay out late. A custodial parent might say "He has the right to his own feelings" if a child says critical things about his non-custodial parent but lecture and browbeat the same child for "talking back" at home. Children are sensitive to inconsistencies. They react to them with mistrust and cynicism.
If you are even slightly falling into one of these traps, your children's sense of well-being, confidence and security are being threatened. Take a few minutes to do an inner search with yourself. If you are guilty of slipping into any of these abusive strategies, rethink your behavior and start making amends. Talk to a professional counselor or coach for additional support and advice. Your children will thank you when they are grown!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide(TM) to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
I Want Control! (2-1-2011)
I Want Control! (2-1-2011)
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
When teenagers say to me, “I want control over my own life!” I tell them, “Hallelujah! Your parents want the same thing – but like everything else in life, it must be within certain boundaries.”
Boundaries aren’t handcuffs; they actually give a teenager more control, since they know how far they can go. For instance, I’ve always thought that what a teen wears should be their own choice, but as soon as their clothing becomes immodest, they are stepping over the modesty boundary. Or, if it breaks the school’s dress code, they are stepping over the school’s boundaries.
Fact is, even adults have certain moral, legal and societal boundaries, so teens need to get accustomed to living within them.
———————————————————-
Learn about our February FAMILIES IN CRISIS RETREAT here (or go to www.familycrisisconference.com).
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
When teenagers say to me, “I want control over my own life!” I tell them, “Hallelujah! Your parents want the same thing – but like everything else in life, it must be within certain boundaries.”
Boundaries aren’t handcuffs; they actually give a teenager more control, since they know how far they can go. For instance, I’ve always thought that what a teen wears should be their own choice, but as soon as their clothing becomes immodest, they are stepping over the modesty boundary. Or, if it breaks the school’s dress code, they are stepping over the school’s boundaries.
Fact is, even adults have certain moral, legal and societal boundaries, so teens need to get accustomed to living within them.
———————————————————-
Learn about our February FAMILIES IN CRISIS RETREAT here (or go to www.familycrisisconference.com).
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