"It's especially important during the holidays to remember that aiming for a PERFECT holiday ritual is actually a bad goal. Not only is perfection impossible and striving for it adds stress, but honestly, the holidays families remember most fondly are those when the dog ate the cake, or everybody got the flu on Thanksgiving. Play it loose, have a sense of humor..." -- Meg Cox
Are you trying to figure out how to get everything done this week? Or how to go beyond delicious food and family time (or mere gluttony!) to add some meaning and gratitude in between courses? I'm the first to trumpet the benefit to our kids -- and ourselves -- of rituals, and of learning the habit of gratitude. And you'll find plenty of ideas on the Aha! website to add meaning and Aha! moments to your family's Thanksgiving.
But my plea to you this week is to remember that perfection is not attainable, but something better is. Yes, you guessed it. Love. (Been reading these posts, huh? I'm honored.)
As Charles Henderson says, "Thanksgiving involves an act of the will. It's not a question of pretending that everything is bright and beautiful when you know its not. To give thanks is to stand up in the face of the storm and declare that life is worth living."
So maybe perfection isn't the goal. Maybe what's perfect is finding what's meaningful, what makes life worth living. Which might be another word for gratitude.
You know those moments when pandemonium reigns, and your kids are spinning out of control, and your difficult relative is acting, well, difficult, and you have to choose between those visions of a storybook Thanksgiving versus grabbing your kids and getting them outside for some old fashioned fresh air before everyone loses their mind? There's not really a choice. Give up on perfection and go for love.
Storybook holidays are limited to storybooks. Real parents get reality parenting, complete with cranky kids, messy kitchens, and store-bought pie. But extraordinary moments often masquerade as ordinary life. So look around the pandemonium and remind yourself to be grateful for every minute you get to spend with your children as they grow. For me, there's no gratitude deeper than that.
Dr. Laura Markham
Monday, November 21, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Does a Child's Gender Correlate With the Divorce Rate? This Study Says Yes!
A recent study shows that parents are somewhat more likely to get divorced -- if their first child is a girl! So says an article written by veteran newspaper editor and reporter Don Moore, recently retired from the Port Charlotte, FL Sun-Herald. He talks about a report produced by Dr. Enrico Moretti, an economics professor at the University of California, Berkeley and Dr. Gordon Dahl, professor of economics at the University of California, San Diego.
Their report, "The Demand for Sons," appeared in a recent edition of "The Review of Economic Studies." Your divorce rate increases approximately four percent if you have a daughter as a first child instead of a son," Moretti says.
"We did compare families who had two daughters with families that had two sons. What we discovered was that a couple with two daughters is more likely to have a third child trying to have a son," Moretti explained.
The professor said he didn't believe there is any difference between races, but it's hard to compare divorce rates across races.
He also added that, "Women whose first child is a boy are four percent more likely to remain married than those whose first child is a girl. In general, the better the woman's education, the later the fertility, the lower the divorce rate."
The 50-page study on gender and divorce also found that a first-born daughter is significantly less likely to be living with their father compared to a first-born son.
The three reasons for this conclusion include:
1. Women who have daughters first are less likely to be married.
2. Parents with first born daughters are more likely to be divorced.
3. Fathers are more likely to obtain custody of a son than a daughter.
"The effect is quantitatively substantial, accounting for a 3.1 percent lower probability of a resident father for families with a first-born girl. We estimate that in any given year (in the U.S.) roughly 52,000 first-born daughters under the age of 12 would have had a resident father if they had been boys," the report says.
The article says there are other statistical differences caused by families with first-born daughters. These families have lower incomes and higher poverty rates. "For children in families with an absentee father due to the first-born daughter effect, family income is reduced by 50 percent and the chances of poverty are increased by 34 percent. Notably, children whose first-born sibling is a girl have lower educational achievement," the study indicates.
Professor Alan Booth, a professor of sociology, human development and demography at Pennsylvania State University, generally agreed with most of Moretti's and Dahl's findings. "I know this to be true. Families that have a boy as a first child are more likely to stay together than if their first child is a female," Professor Booth said. "Gender bias in the U.S. favors boys."
According to Dr. Booth, one of the reasons married couples prefer boys in the U.S. is that when they grow up they are more likely to make more money than girls. Another factor affecting economics is that couples whose first two children are girls are more likely to have a third child than if they have two boys.
This may come as a surprise to many of us who thought that gender bias on this level was unlikely in America. Dr. Booth does go on to say, "More recently the gender preference in the U.S. is beginning to be more positive for girls. This is because there are more women in the labor force today, women are more independent today than they once were, and women's attitudes are less traditional and there are also other factors involved."
I don't know if any of these statistics are relevant to the divorces of any of my readers. But I thought I'd share this as a point for conversation and introspection. Would your marital circumstances be any different today had your children been of a different gender? Would your relationship have been different? What about your financial circumstances? Something to contemplate.
As always, I welcome your feedback.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca,CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! which can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Her free articles and ezine are available at www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Copyright Rosalind Sedacca 2009
Their report, "The Demand for Sons," appeared in a recent edition of "The Review of Economic Studies." Your divorce rate increases approximately four percent if you have a daughter as a first child instead of a son," Moretti says.
"We did compare families who had two daughters with families that had two sons. What we discovered was that a couple with two daughters is more likely to have a third child trying to have a son," Moretti explained.
The professor said he didn't believe there is any difference between races, but it's hard to compare divorce rates across races.
He also added that, "Women whose first child is a boy are four percent more likely to remain married than those whose first child is a girl. In general, the better the woman's education, the later the fertility, the lower the divorce rate."
The 50-page study on gender and divorce also found that a first-born daughter is significantly less likely to be living with their father compared to a first-born son.
The three reasons for this conclusion include:
1. Women who have daughters first are less likely to be married.
2. Parents with first born daughters are more likely to be divorced.
3. Fathers are more likely to obtain custody of a son than a daughter.
"The effect is quantitatively substantial, accounting for a 3.1 percent lower probability of a resident father for families with a first-born girl. We estimate that in any given year (in the U.S.) roughly 52,000 first-born daughters under the age of 12 would have had a resident father if they had been boys," the report says.
The article says there are other statistical differences caused by families with first-born daughters. These families have lower incomes and higher poverty rates. "For children in families with an absentee father due to the first-born daughter effect, family income is reduced by 50 percent and the chances of poverty are increased by 34 percent. Notably, children whose first-born sibling is a girl have lower educational achievement," the study indicates.
Professor Alan Booth, a professor of sociology, human development and demography at Pennsylvania State University, generally agreed with most of Moretti's and Dahl's findings. "I know this to be true. Families that have a boy as a first child are more likely to stay together than if their first child is a female," Professor Booth said. "Gender bias in the U.S. favors boys."
According to Dr. Booth, one of the reasons married couples prefer boys in the U.S. is that when they grow up they are more likely to make more money than girls. Another factor affecting economics is that couples whose first two children are girls are more likely to have a third child than if they have two boys.
This may come as a surprise to many of us who thought that gender bias on this level was unlikely in America. Dr. Booth does go on to say, "More recently the gender preference in the U.S. is beginning to be more positive for girls. This is because there are more women in the labor force today, women are more independent today than they once were, and women's attitudes are less traditional and there are also other factors involved."
I don't know if any of these statistics are relevant to the divorces of any of my readers. But I thought I'd share this as a point for conversation and introspection. Would your marital circumstances be any different today had your children been of a different gender? Would your relationship have been different? What about your financial circumstances? Something to contemplate.
As always, I welcome your feedback.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca,CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! which can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Her free articles and ezine are available at www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Copyright Rosalind Sedacca 2009
Thursday, October 20, 2011
ChildSharing Introduces its Newest Course: Anger Management for Co-Parents
ChildSharing, Inc. is pleased to announce the release of their newest course, Anger Management for Co-Parents. This 8-hour program is designed to help divorced or separated parents manage their anger while coping with divorce and parenting issues. It is available for parents who are court-mandated to take the course as well as for those who want to access the material for their own benefit.
The new on-line class is easy to read and comprehend. It includes video segments that illuminate typical challenges co-parents face during and after a divorce. Topics included range from understanding the effect of anger on others to learning alternative communication skills to how to handle anger more productively. Every segment provides advice, tips, resources and skills that are immediately usable offered in a non-judgmental, compassionate format followed by insightful quizzes at the end of each chapter.
The course is self-paced and can be broken down into sections that are completed at the attendee’s convenience. After passing the multiple choice questions in the Final Exam, a completion certificate will be issued and also sent to the court.
The Anger Management for Co-Parents class was created by licensed mental health counselor Amy Sherman, LMHC and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT on behalf of ChildSharing.
ChildSharing.com launched in late 2008 and provides interactive co-parenting classes, family law information as well as county-specific details to provide families with the knowledge and resources they need as they transition through divorce into their new lives.
Michelle Muncy, ChildSharing, Inc.’s President, says “We are proud to be launching this newest ChildSharing course at this time. Courts around the nation have requesting this material from us and we know it will be a valuable resource for enhancing co-parenting success for many families. This course is another cost effective and efficient solution to meeting the growing need for court-mandated parent education requirements.”
ChildSharing, Inc. is rapidly gaining attention throughout the country because of its innovative approach to disseminating divorce-related content. ChildSharing provides economic relief to the demand on county resources so they may provide education to parents who may not have otherwise received it. The entire program is built for the counties, at no cost to them, to integrate and offer to their residents.
Parents interested in accessing the course will find it at http://www.childsharing.com. The 8-hour on-line class costs $159.99.
About ChildSharing, Inc.
Founded in 2008, ChildSharing, Inc. is dedicated to advancing the field of child-sharing as a means of better educating families faced with divorce. Guided by a strong development team, ChildSharing works with experts throughout the United States to provide its members with the most comprehensive information and other resources for educating families in transition. For more information about ChildSharing, Inc. and its team of experts, visit http://www.ChildSharing.com.
Media interested in scheduling an interview with ChildSharing, Inc. representatives regarding the new Anger Management course should contact Michelle Muncy at michelle@childsharing.com or 805-550-3663. Rosalind Sedacca can be reached at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com and Amy Sherman can be reached at amybethsherman@gmail.com.
The new on-line class is easy to read and comprehend. It includes video segments that illuminate typical challenges co-parents face during and after a divorce. Topics included range from understanding the effect of anger on others to learning alternative communication skills to how to handle anger more productively. Every segment provides advice, tips, resources and skills that are immediately usable offered in a non-judgmental, compassionate format followed by insightful quizzes at the end of each chapter.
The course is self-paced and can be broken down into sections that are completed at the attendee’s convenience. After passing the multiple choice questions in the Final Exam, a completion certificate will be issued and also sent to the court.
The Anger Management for Co-Parents class was created by licensed mental health counselor Amy Sherman, LMHC and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT on behalf of ChildSharing.
ChildSharing.com launched in late 2008 and provides interactive co-parenting classes, family law information as well as county-specific details to provide families with the knowledge and resources they need as they transition through divorce into their new lives.
Michelle Muncy, ChildSharing, Inc.’s President, says “We are proud to be launching this newest ChildSharing course at this time. Courts around the nation have requesting this material from us and we know it will be a valuable resource for enhancing co-parenting success for many families. This course is another cost effective and efficient solution to meeting the growing need for court-mandated parent education requirements.”
ChildSharing, Inc. is rapidly gaining attention throughout the country because of its innovative approach to disseminating divorce-related content. ChildSharing provides economic relief to the demand on county resources so they may provide education to parents who may not have otherwise received it. The entire program is built for the counties, at no cost to them, to integrate and offer to their residents.
Parents interested in accessing the course will find it at http://www.childsharing.com. The 8-hour on-line class costs $159.99.
About ChildSharing, Inc.
Founded in 2008, ChildSharing, Inc. is dedicated to advancing the field of child-sharing as a means of better educating families faced with divorce. Guided by a strong development team, ChildSharing works with experts throughout the United States to provide its members with the most comprehensive information and other resources for educating families in transition. For more information about ChildSharing, Inc. and its team of experts, visit http://www.ChildSharing.com.
Media interested in scheduling an interview with ChildSharing, Inc. representatives regarding the new Anger Management course should contact Michelle Muncy at michelle@childsharing.com or 805-550-3663. Rosalind Sedacca can be reached at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com and Amy Sherman can be reached at amybethsherman@gmail.com.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Advice for Co-Parents and Single Parents After Divorce
Advice for Co-Parents and Single Parents After Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
A friend of mine, Nancy Michaels, a women I respect in many ways, shared a personal story in one of her blog posts:
At the lowest period in my life about three years ago, after a painful separation from my husband, a life-threatening illness, custody loss of my children, and having to return to my parents' home for them to take care of me - my father said this on a particularly bad day, "Nancy, the only thing you have to do today is get better. Don't worry about anything else."
As simple as those two sentences are, it was exactly what I needed to hear and I started feeling grateful that that truly was my one and only responsibility. If I got better, the rest would fall in place. Thankfully, it has, Dad.
I know Nancy is not alone. There are days - yes, weeks and months - when life can seem awfully low. Often overbearing. The weight can seem just too much to carry. Life changes related to divorce frequently play a part in these circumstances. And when you're a parent at the same time ... well, you know how it feels!
Just know, as well, that you're not alone. Parenting is tough for everyone, even under the best of circumstances. Parenting through and beyond divorce takes enormous focus and a continuous need for compassion, both for yourself and your children. If you take it day by day, you will find the strength and even the wisdom to make decisions that tap into your innate wisdom and love for your children.
But it's also essential to parent and nurture yourself at the same time. Take a tip from the airlines when they instruct you to put your oxygen mask on first before providing oxygen to your children. You need to be alert and functioning well before you can make decisions on behalf of the children who matter so deeply to you.
So get the help you need to recharge, de-stress and unwind from time to time. Share your frustrations with a caring friend or a compassionate counselor who specializes in divorce issues. Join a support group for divorced Moms or Dads. Reach out to churches or other spiritual resources that empower you. Treat yourself to a massage, concert, evening out, weekend away from the kids or other activity that energizes your psyche.
Don't suffer or brood alone. We all need help, support and encouragement from an outside source that we respect. We can't always give it to ourselves - but we can and must let others know when we need a shoulder to cry on, a babysitter for an occasional indulgence or a team of reinforcement when the burden of moving on feels too heavy.
And keep my friend Nancy's advice in mind. Sometimes all you need is to take care of yourself for a day - and you'll have the clearer perspective you need to make sound decisions on behalf of your children. Whether you're a divorced co-parent or single parent, remember your first obligation is to parent yourself with loving compassion. Your family will thank you!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, coaching, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
A friend of mine, Nancy Michaels, a women I respect in many ways, shared a personal story in one of her blog posts:
At the lowest period in my life about three years ago, after a painful separation from my husband, a life-threatening illness, custody loss of my children, and having to return to my parents' home for them to take care of me - my father said this on a particularly bad day, "Nancy, the only thing you have to do today is get better. Don't worry about anything else."
As simple as those two sentences are, it was exactly what I needed to hear and I started feeling grateful that that truly was my one and only responsibility. If I got better, the rest would fall in place. Thankfully, it has, Dad.
I know Nancy is not alone. There are days - yes, weeks and months - when life can seem awfully low. Often overbearing. The weight can seem just too much to carry. Life changes related to divorce frequently play a part in these circumstances. And when you're a parent at the same time ... well, you know how it feels!
Just know, as well, that you're not alone. Parenting is tough for everyone, even under the best of circumstances. Parenting through and beyond divorce takes enormous focus and a continuous need for compassion, both for yourself and your children. If you take it day by day, you will find the strength and even the wisdom to make decisions that tap into your innate wisdom and love for your children.
But it's also essential to parent and nurture yourself at the same time. Take a tip from the airlines when they instruct you to put your oxygen mask on first before providing oxygen to your children. You need to be alert and functioning well before you can make decisions on behalf of the children who matter so deeply to you.
So get the help you need to recharge, de-stress and unwind from time to time. Share your frustrations with a caring friend or a compassionate counselor who specializes in divorce issues. Join a support group for divorced Moms or Dads. Reach out to churches or other spiritual resources that empower you. Treat yourself to a massage, concert, evening out, weekend away from the kids or other activity that energizes your psyche.
Don't suffer or brood alone. We all need help, support and encouragement from an outside source that we respect. We can't always give it to ourselves - but we can and must let others know when we need a shoulder to cry on, a babysitter for an occasional indulgence or a team of reinforcement when the burden of moving on feels too heavy.
And keep my friend Nancy's advice in mind. Sometimes all you need is to take care of yourself for a day - and you'll have the clearer perspective you need to make sound decisions on behalf of your children. Whether you're a divorced co-parent or single parent, remember your first obligation is to parent yourself with loving compassion. Your family will thank you!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, coaching, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Divorce Poll Results for Boomers Shows Need for Coping & Communication Skills
Divorce Poll Results for Boomers Shows Need for Coping & Communication Skills
A first-of-its-kind national poll to determine if a consensus exists about how divorced baby boomers are holding up was conducted by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center].
Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.
1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?
Results: Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).
The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people's lives.
Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:
• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.
While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own" and "not growing old with my husband."
While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."
Methodology
During May 2009 the poll was available to both men and women baby boomers on National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center](TM) websites. To achieve maximum participation the poll was also published on: Menopauserus.com , WrightMinded.com, Wise Heart Coaching, Cyber Hot Flash, the National Association of Baby Boomer Women , Kalon Women, and sent to more than 30 experts from the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.
About National Association of Divorce for Women and Children The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization. Through her network and ezine questions about divorce and parenting issues are discussed and sound advice is provided to assist families moving through the divorce maze. To learn more, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
A first-of-its-kind national poll to determine if a consensus exists about how divorced baby boomers are holding up was conducted by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center].
Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.
1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?
Results: Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).
The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people's lives.
Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:
• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.
While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own" and "not growing old with my husband."
While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."
Methodology
During May 2009 the poll was available to both men and women baby boomers on National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center](TM) websites. To achieve maximum participation the poll was also published on: Menopauserus.com , WrightMinded.com, Wise Heart Coaching, Cyber Hot Flash, the National Association of Baby Boomer Women , Kalon Women, and sent to more than 30 experts from the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.
About National Association of Divorce for Women and Children The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization. Through her network and ezine questions about divorce and parenting issues are discussed and sound advice is provided to assist families moving through the divorce maze. To learn more, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
A Smart Parenting Plan Your Best Asset When Parenting After Divorce.
A Smart Parenting Plan Your Best Asset When Parenting After Divorce.
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Parenting plans are becoming more and more recognized as the way for both parents to coordinate their parenting, their lives and their relationship with their children after divorce.
In its simplest form a parenting plan puts in writing the agreed upon schedule both parents have created regarding most all parenting arrangements. It outlines the days, times and other details of when, where and how each parent will be with the children along with other agreements both parents will follow in the months and years to come
The purpose of the plans is to determine strategies that are in the children's best interest to create smooth, easy and positive transitions. These plans encourage cooperative co-parenting so that the children feel secure, loved, wanted and nurtured by both of their parents.
Plans can vary in depth and scope. Often they include guidelines for routine residential arrangements as well as special occasions, including holidays, birthday and vacation time.Emergency information, decision-making guidelines, processes for sharing information, relocation procedures and means for resolving disputes can also be spelled out to minimize future conflict and provide consistency for the children.
While parenting plans make excellent tools for the family, keep them flexible so that their purpose doesn't get lost in a maze of too rigid rules. Allow for some fluctuation and reassessments as the family ages and also experiences the day-to-day realities of their living arrangements.
No plan can compensate for irresponsible or negligent parenting. Make sure the time you spend with your children is rewarding for them and reinforces the caring, supportive messages you want your children to remember. Don't try to substitute gifts or excursions for the quality parenting time they value and crave.
Parenting after divorce is all about reassurance, safety and security. Allow your children an adjustment period at the beginning and end of visits as they transition from one home to the other. This is not easy to do for adults. Think of what it must be like for children - regardless of their age.
Be sensitive about how and when to introduce your children to your new adult friends, especially dating partners. Children are very possessive of both parents. They need to feel very secure in your love for them before they can accept another parent figure in their lives. Take your time in this regard. Think before you take steps you will regret.
Whenever possible create a sense of consistency between both homes. Children fare best when Mom and Dad agree on basic parenting issues and don't contradict one another from home to home. If you do have differing rules, talk to your children about the differences, explain your own parenting style, and don't put down their other parent - even if you don't agree with their values. Your children will learn to adapt to differences in their parents if you don't make a big deal about those issues.
Never forget that you will be a parent to your children for the rest of your life - and so will their other parent. Keep that perspective and focus on ways to collaborate and join forces whenever possible. Your children will be the winners in the long term.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca 2009
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Parenting plans are becoming more and more recognized as the way for both parents to coordinate their parenting, their lives and their relationship with their children after divorce.
In its simplest form a parenting plan puts in writing the agreed upon schedule both parents have created regarding most all parenting arrangements. It outlines the days, times and other details of when, where and how each parent will be with the children along with other agreements both parents will follow in the months and years to come
The purpose of the plans is to determine strategies that are in the children's best interest to create smooth, easy and positive transitions. These plans encourage cooperative co-parenting so that the children feel secure, loved, wanted and nurtured by both of their parents.
Plans can vary in depth and scope. Often they include guidelines for routine residential arrangements as well as special occasions, including holidays, birthday and vacation time.Emergency information, decision-making guidelines, processes for sharing information, relocation procedures and means for resolving disputes can also be spelled out to minimize future conflict and provide consistency for the children.
While parenting plans make excellent tools for the family, keep them flexible so that their purpose doesn't get lost in a maze of too rigid rules. Allow for some fluctuation and reassessments as the family ages and also experiences the day-to-day realities of their living arrangements.
No plan can compensate for irresponsible or negligent parenting. Make sure the time you spend with your children is rewarding for them and reinforces the caring, supportive messages you want your children to remember. Don't try to substitute gifts or excursions for the quality parenting time they value and crave.
Parenting after divorce is all about reassurance, safety and security. Allow your children an adjustment period at the beginning and end of visits as they transition from one home to the other. This is not easy to do for adults. Think of what it must be like for children - regardless of their age.
Be sensitive about how and when to introduce your children to your new adult friends, especially dating partners. Children are very possessive of both parents. They need to feel very secure in your love for them before they can accept another parent figure in their lives. Take your time in this regard. Think before you take steps you will regret.
Whenever possible create a sense of consistency between both homes. Children fare best when Mom and Dad agree on basic parenting issues and don't contradict one another from home to home. If you do have differing rules, talk to your children about the differences, explain your own parenting style, and don't put down their other parent - even if you don't agree with their values. Your children will learn to adapt to differences in their parents if you don't make a big deal about those issues.
Never forget that you will be a parent to your children for the rest of your life - and so will their other parent. Keep that perspective and focus on ways to collaborate and join forces whenever possible. Your children will be the winners in the long term.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca 2009
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Does a Child's Gender Affect the Divorce Rate? This Study Says Yes!
Does a Child's Gender Affect the Divorce Rate? This Study Says Yes!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
A recent study shows that parents are somewhat more likely to get divorced -- if their first child is a girl! So says an article written by veteran newspaper editor and reporter Don Moore, recently retired from the Port Charlotte, FL Sun-Herald. He talks about a report produced by Dr. Enrico Moretti, an economics professor at the University of California, Berkeley and Dr. Gordon Dahl, professor of economics at the University of California, San Diego.
Their report, "The Demand for Sons," appeared in a recent edition of "The Review of Economic Studies." Your divorce rate increases approximately four percent if you have a daughter as a first child instead of a son," Moretti says.
"We did compare families who had two daughters with families that had two sons. What we discovered was that a couple with two daughters is more likely to have a third child trying to have a son," Moretti explained.
The professor said he didn't believe there is any difference between races, but it's hard to compare divorce rates across races.
He also added that, "Women whose first child is a boy are four percent more likely to remain married than those whose first child is a girl. In general, the better the woman's education, the later the fertility, the lower the divorce rate."
The 50-page study on gender and divorce also found that a first-born daughter is significantly less likely to be living with their father compared to a first-born son.
The three reasons for this conclusion include:
1. Women who have daughters first are less likely to be married.
2. Parents with first born daughters are more likely to be divorced.
3. Fathers are more likely to obtain custody of a son than a daughter.
"The effect is quantitatively substantial, accounting for a 3.1 percent lower probability of a resident father for families with a first-born girl. We estimate that in any given year (in the U.S.) roughly 52,000 first-born daughters under the age of 12 would have had a resident father if they had been boys," the report says.
The article says there are other statistical differences caused by families with first-born daughters. These families have lower incomes and higher poverty rates. "For children in families with an absentee father due to the first-born daughter effect, family income is reduced by 50 percent and the chances of poverty are increased by 34 percent. Notably, children whose first-born sibling is a girl have lower educational achievement," the study indicates.
Professor Alan Booth, a professor of sociology, human development and demography at Pennsylvania State University, generally agreed with most of Moretti's and Dahl's findings. "I know this to be true. Families that have a boy as a first child are more likely to stay together than if their first child is a female," Professor Booth said. "Gender bias in the U.S. favors boys."
According to Dr. Booth, one of the reasons married couples prefer boys in the U.S. is that when they grow up they are more likely to make more money than girls. Another factor affecting economics is that couples whose first two children are girls are more likely to have a third child than if they have two boys.
This may come as a surprise to many of us who thought that gender bias on this level was unlikely in America. Dr. Booth does go on to say, "More recently the gender preference in the U.S. is beginning to be more positive for girls. This is because there are more women in the labor force today, women are more independent today than they once were, and women's attitudes are less traditional and there are also other factors involved."
I don't know if any of these statistics are relevant to the divorces of any of my readers. But I thought I'd share this as a point for conversation and introspection. Would your marital circumstances be any different today had your children been of a different gender? Would your relationship have been different? What about your financial circumstances? Something to contemplate.
As always, I welcome your feedback.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca,CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! which can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Her free articles and ezine are available at www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Copyright Rosalind Sedacca 2009
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
A recent study shows that parents are somewhat more likely to get divorced -- if their first child is a girl! So says an article written by veteran newspaper editor and reporter Don Moore, recently retired from the Port Charlotte, FL Sun-Herald. He talks about a report produced by Dr. Enrico Moretti, an economics professor at the University of California, Berkeley and Dr. Gordon Dahl, professor of economics at the University of California, San Diego.
Their report, "The Demand for Sons," appeared in a recent edition of "The Review of Economic Studies." Your divorce rate increases approximately four percent if you have a daughter as a first child instead of a son," Moretti says.
"We did compare families who had two daughters with families that had two sons. What we discovered was that a couple with two daughters is more likely to have a third child trying to have a son," Moretti explained.
The professor said he didn't believe there is any difference between races, but it's hard to compare divorce rates across races.
He also added that, "Women whose first child is a boy are four percent more likely to remain married than those whose first child is a girl. In general, the better the woman's education, the later the fertility, the lower the divorce rate."
The 50-page study on gender and divorce also found that a first-born daughter is significantly less likely to be living with their father compared to a first-born son.
The three reasons for this conclusion include:
1. Women who have daughters first are less likely to be married.
2. Parents with first born daughters are more likely to be divorced.
3. Fathers are more likely to obtain custody of a son than a daughter.
"The effect is quantitatively substantial, accounting for a 3.1 percent lower probability of a resident father for families with a first-born girl. We estimate that in any given year (in the U.S.) roughly 52,000 first-born daughters under the age of 12 would have had a resident father if they had been boys," the report says.
The article says there are other statistical differences caused by families with first-born daughters. These families have lower incomes and higher poverty rates. "For children in families with an absentee father due to the first-born daughter effect, family income is reduced by 50 percent and the chances of poverty are increased by 34 percent. Notably, children whose first-born sibling is a girl have lower educational achievement," the study indicates.
Professor Alan Booth, a professor of sociology, human development and demography at Pennsylvania State University, generally agreed with most of Moretti's and Dahl's findings. "I know this to be true. Families that have a boy as a first child are more likely to stay together than if their first child is a female," Professor Booth said. "Gender bias in the U.S. favors boys."
According to Dr. Booth, one of the reasons married couples prefer boys in the U.S. is that when they grow up they are more likely to make more money than girls. Another factor affecting economics is that couples whose first two children are girls are more likely to have a third child than if they have two boys.
This may come as a surprise to many of us who thought that gender bias on this level was unlikely in America. Dr. Booth does go on to say, "More recently the gender preference in the U.S. is beginning to be more positive for girls. This is because there are more women in the labor force today, women are more independent today than they once were, and women's attitudes are less traditional and there are also other factors involved."
I don't know if any of these statistics are relevant to the divorces of any of my readers. But I thought I'd share this as a point for conversation and introspection. Would your marital circumstances be any different today had your children been of a different gender? Would your relationship have been different? What about your financial circumstances? Something to contemplate.
As always, I welcome your feedback.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca,CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! which can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Her free articles and ezine are available at www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Copyright Rosalind Sedacca 2009
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Forgiveness can be a valuable gift in your Divorce
Forgiveness can be a valuable gift in your Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
One of the consequences of a difficult divorce is being left with negative emotions about the experience. Many people struggle with long-term anger, bitterness, revenge and/or rage following a divorce that they either can't, or choose not to release.
Are you angry or bitter because you feel wronged by your former spouse? Do you feel a need to get revenge - or hurt them back? Do you hold grudges? Is the joy in your life affected by carrying the burden of these emotions? Are you suffering from any health issues that just don't seem to go away?
In a Union Tribune article titled, "The Healing Power of Forgiveness," Sandi Dolbee writes, "Researchers are studying the health benefits of forgiveness and generally define it as the process of letting go of the pain, anger and resentment caused by an offense."
"People who learn to forgive seem to have fewer cardiovascular problems and stress-related ailments, and generally feel happier than those still holding a grudge."
"The journal of Mental Health, Religion and Culture reported that people who forgave had decreased odds of depression -- women more so than men. Another study published this year found that men generally have a harder time forgiving than women."
"Forgiving does not mean excusing, forgetting or pretending that an offense never occurred. Instead, it is about letting go of the bitter, grudging, vengeful feelings."
"Not being able to forgive elevates stress and tension, and that affects the immune system. There have been many studies that say our mental health affects our physical health."
Today is a good day for you to explore the positive effect forgiveness can have in your life. Is your mental and physical health being hampered by holding on to anger, resentment and other negative emotions? Are you tired of harboring the weight of this constant burden? Would it be easier for you - and much better for your children -- to forgive, knowing that your health and life are at risk?
Remember, we don't forgive for the sake of the other person. We forgive for our own selves. It's a gift we give to our self because we deserve more peace, joy and happiness in our daily experiences. If you need help in seeing or understanding the "Gift" of forgiveness, contact a counselor, divorce coach or member of the clergy to talk about your challenges in confidence. You won't regret it.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles, resources and free ezine, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
One of the consequences of a difficult divorce is being left with negative emotions about the experience. Many people struggle with long-term anger, bitterness, revenge and/or rage following a divorce that they either can't, or choose not to release.
Are you angry or bitter because you feel wronged by your former spouse? Do you feel a need to get revenge - or hurt them back? Do you hold grudges? Is the joy in your life affected by carrying the burden of these emotions? Are you suffering from any health issues that just don't seem to go away?
In a Union Tribune article titled, "The Healing Power of Forgiveness," Sandi Dolbee writes, "Researchers are studying the health benefits of forgiveness and generally define it as the process of letting go of the pain, anger and resentment caused by an offense."
"People who learn to forgive seem to have fewer cardiovascular problems and stress-related ailments, and generally feel happier than those still holding a grudge."
"The journal of Mental Health, Religion and Culture reported that people who forgave had decreased odds of depression -- women more so than men. Another study published this year found that men generally have a harder time forgiving than women."
"Forgiving does not mean excusing, forgetting or pretending that an offense never occurred. Instead, it is about letting go of the bitter, grudging, vengeful feelings."
"Not being able to forgive elevates stress and tension, and that affects the immune system. There have been many studies that say our mental health affects our physical health."
Today is a good day for you to explore the positive effect forgiveness can have in your life. Is your mental and physical health being hampered by holding on to anger, resentment and other negative emotions? Are you tired of harboring the weight of this constant burden? Would it be easier for you - and much better for your children -- to forgive, knowing that your health and life are at risk?
Remember, we don't forgive for the sake of the other person. We forgive for our own selves. It's a gift we give to our self because we deserve more peace, joy and happiness in our daily experiences. If you need help in seeing or understanding the "Gift" of forgiveness, contact a counselor, divorce coach or member of the clergy to talk about your challenges in confidence. You won't regret it.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles, resources and free ezine, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Peaceful Divorce Tips for Caring Parents
Peaceful Divorce Tips for Caring Parents
Krista Barth, Esq., a colleague in the campaign to make divorce more peaceful, has provided this valuable message about how to create and maintain a peaceful divorce when you are a parent.
As a divorce attorney who has been through it myself, a peaceful divorce starts when people do the following:
1. Accept the part you each played in the failure of the marriage (even if the only fault was "picking the wrong partner for your needs.")
2. Lower your expectations of each other; after all, if your spouse didn't do certain things WHILE you were married, don't expect it now. You will only be disappointed and frustrated.
3. Remember, once upon a time you loved this person. What was it you loved? Especially when there are children involved, let whatever you loved the most be your mantra when speaking of your spouse. No exceptions to this rule, as children have big ears. As my mother would say, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!
4. Don't let the lawyers create unnecessary hostility. You are the one who controls the process. How you handle your divorce and treat your spouse and children will have long-lasting ramifications. Do you want to sit on the same side of the room when your child gets married?
5. Find happiness, move on and allow your spouse to do the same. As for new spouses, remember children don't suffer from too many people loving them and you would rather have the new spouse/partner in the game than watching from the sidelines. Family is what you make of it. It takes a village, as they say.
6. Remember your priorities. Love your children more than you dislike your spouse and act accordingly.
7. Remember litigation is a luxury, not a necessity. Fighting is expensive. Letters back and forth over what little Johnny had for lunch are a waste of resources. The money you spend could pay for something really important like your children's education instead of a new car for your lawyer!
8. Realize no one knows your children better than you and your spouse. Do you really want a stranger deciding their future and yours? It is the biggest gamble you will ever take.
9. Choose your battles; there will be disagreements, just as if you were still together. Talk them out and realize communication is important even though you are not together anymore, maybe more so.
10. Remember, life is short, how much of it do you want to spend rehashing the past. Forgive each other and you will have a (mostly) peaceful divorce. I do!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Krista Barth, Esq., a colleague in the campaign to make divorce more peaceful, has provided this valuable message about how to create and maintain a peaceful divorce when you are a parent.
As a divorce attorney who has been through it myself, a peaceful divorce starts when people do the following:
1. Accept the part you each played in the failure of the marriage (even if the only fault was "picking the wrong partner for your needs.")
2. Lower your expectations of each other; after all, if your spouse didn't do certain things WHILE you were married, don't expect it now. You will only be disappointed and frustrated.
3. Remember, once upon a time you loved this person. What was it you loved? Especially when there are children involved, let whatever you loved the most be your mantra when speaking of your spouse. No exceptions to this rule, as children have big ears. As my mother would say, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!
4. Don't let the lawyers create unnecessary hostility. You are the one who controls the process. How you handle your divorce and treat your spouse and children will have long-lasting ramifications. Do you want to sit on the same side of the room when your child gets married?
5. Find happiness, move on and allow your spouse to do the same. As for new spouses, remember children don't suffer from too many people loving them and you would rather have the new spouse/partner in the game than watching from the sidelines. Family is what you make of it. It takes a village, as they say.
6. Remember your priorities. Love your children more than you dislike your spouse and act accordingly.
7. Remember litigation is a luxury, not a necessity. Fighting is expensive. Letters back and forth over what little Johnny had for lunch are a waste of resources. The money you spend could pay for something really important like your children's education instead of a new car for your lawyer!
8. Realize no one knows your children better than you and your spouse. Do you really want a stranger deciding their future and yours? It is the biggest gamble you will ever take.
9. Choose your battles; there will be disagreements, just as if you were still together. Talk them out and realize communication is important even though you are not together anymore, maybe more so.
10. Remember, life is short, how much of it do you want to spend rehashing the past. Forgive each other and you will have a (mostly) peaceful divorce. I do!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Single Parent Dating After Divorce: Myths versus Reality
Single Parent Dating After Divorce: Myths versus Reality
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW is a Certified Stepfamily Coach and a Licensed Relationship Coach who is the founder of The Step and Blended Family Institute. Whether you are currently dating after divorce, or just contemplating what that might look like at some point in the future, this is a good article to read and heed.
The challenges of dating when you already have children are countless. The myths that couples experience in step dating are also not unlike the ones experienced in step families. And therefore having good information, fact not fiction, about what you can and should expect, is even more important.
Instead of the couple enjoying the luxury of concentrating solely on each other, they have to nurture their new relationship while balancing time with kids who may be transitioning between households. They have to figure out the relationship dynamics with the kids, and be aware of the multiple missteps and pitfalls that can derail the new dating relationship.
And most importantly, they have to understand that the success and sustainability of a new dating relationship is dependent on having realistic expectations, being flexible as the relationship evolves, being proactive about the challenges and understanding myth expectations versus reality.
Some of the Common Myths that Impact on Single Parents Dating are:
1. Myth Expectation: We should love each other's children as much as we love each other. And/or we should love our partner's children as we would our own.
Reality: Just because dating single parents develop a close and loving relationship, it doesn't mean that they will instantly or ever love each other's children. Relationships take time and when kids are less than impressed when a parent starts to date, this can slow the process of becoming close and connected. Over time, as friendship and trust grow, a deeper relationship may develop between a partner and the kids, but understand it can't be manufactured just because the parents have great chemistry. Love for the kids may follow and when it does it's a huge bonus, but it should not be a condition for the adult relationship. In lieu of love, dating partners, can care for the well-being of their partner's children, and have respect for what is in their best interests. This creates a much more solid foundation for the success of the relationship and the well-being of the children involved, than the perceived need for love.
2. Myth Expectation: We'll be one big happy family, like the Brady Bunch, if we spend a lot of time together.
Reality: Kids need time to adjust to a new dating relationship and the worst thing is to throw them immediately or constantly into the mix. They may feel insecure, displaced or even threatened by the loss of time and attention because of a new love interest, so it's important to spend time alone with them and maintain the security of consistency around their schedule at home. Slowly introduce a new partner and gradually spend time together, being aware of the child's comfort level. There are distinct stages of development in transitioning into a new relationship and they are different for everyone; kids especially need to move slowly. Remember, they are not usually on the same emotional time table as the couple is.
3. Myth Expectation: We need to be equal partners in co-parenting our kids.
Reality: The biological parent has the singular job of disciplining and the dating partner should act only as a friend, assuming the role of coach or mentor. It's acceptable to emotionally support a dating partner in their parenting role, but taking an active part in disciplining a partner's kids is guaranteed to inspire resistance in the child, and ultimately resentment between dating partners. It should be avoided at all costs. The issue of children and discipline should be discussed early on so there is no confusion about who is in the parental role. Most often people don't talk about these issues and just hope things will go well; but this is a recipe for disaster and can create even more confusion for the child(ren) involved.
4. Myth Expectation: Our deep love for each other and devotion to the relationship will take care of any challenges we come up against.
Reality: Single parents dating with kids in the mix face a multitude of challenges on many different levels. Although it's romantic to believe that problems and issues will work themselves out because of the power of love, the reality is the more informed couples are, the more prepared they will be to deal with inevitable hiccups. Being aware of issues, understanding the reality of myths, knowing what to anticipate and how to take action is a more effective relationship insurance policy than depending solely on the magic of love. Love is undeniably an important aspect of any relationship, but awareness, acceptance, commitment and the willingness to take the time necessary to get to know each other and to begin to appreciate what is required in a relationship that involves children, are absolutely critical ingredients for success.
The dating myths that single parents and singles face when children are in the mix, are but one aspect of dating after divorce. Having a reality check goes a long way towards debunking these and other myths and is an important first step in establishing more realistic expectations for your step dating relationships. As two people vision how they see things evolving over time and set realistic and developmentally appropriate expectations, they will be taking the first steps in creating happy, healthy and sustainable relationships that are good for everyone involved.
* * *
Yvonne Kelly coaches step dating couples with children, offers Remarriage Preparation and coaches existing stepfamilies to achieve success. To learn more about how to safeguard your step go to: http://www.stepinstitute.ca
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more details, her free ezine, articles, coaching services and other resources visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW is a Certified Stepfamily Coach and a Licensed Relationship Coach who is the founder of The Step and Blended Family Institute. Whether you are currently dating after divorce, or just contemplating what that might look like at some point in the future, this is a good article to read and heed.
The challenges of dating when you already have children are countless. The myths that couples experience in step dating are also not unlike the ones experienced in step families. And therefore having good information, fact not fiction, about what you can and should expect, is even more important.
Instead of the couple enjoying the luxury of concentrating solely on each other, they have to nurture their new relationship while balancing time with kids who may be transitioning between households. They have to figure out the relationship dynamics with the kids, and be aware of the multiple missteps and pitfalls that can derail the new dating relationship.
And most importantly, they have to understand that the success and sustainability of a new dating relationship is dependent on having realistic expectations, being flexible as the relationship evolves, being proactive about the challenges and understanding myth expectations versus reality.
Some of the Common Myths that Impact on Single Parents Dating are:
1. Myth Expectation: We should love each other's children as much as we love each other. And/or we should love our partner's children as we would our own.
Reality: Just because dating single parents develop a close and loving relationship, it doesn't mean that they will instantly or ever love each other's children. Relationships take time and when kids are less than impressed when a parent starts to date, this can slow the process of becoming close and connected. Over time, as friendship and trust grow, a deeper relationship may develop between a partner and the kids, but understand it can't be manufactured just because the parents have great chemistry. Love for the kids may follow and when it does it's a huge bonus, but it should not be a condition for the adult relationship. In lieu of love, dating partners, can care for the well-being of their partner's children, and have respect for what is in their best interests. This creates a much more solid foundation for the success of the relationship and the well-being of the children involved, than the perceived need for love.
2. Myth Expectation: We'll be one big happy family, like the Brady Bunch, if we spend a lot of time together.
Reality: Kids need time to adjust to a new dating relationship and the worst thing is to throw them immediately or constantly into the mix. They may feel insecure, displaced or even threatened by the loss of time and attention because of a new love interest, so it's important to spend time alone with them and maintain the security of consistency around their schedule at home. Slowly introduce a new partner and gradually spend time together, being aware of the child's comfort level. There are distinct stages of development in transitioning into a new relationship and they are different for everyone; kids especially need to move slowly. Remember, they are not usually on the same emotional time table as the couple is.
3. Myth Expectation: We need to be equal partners in co-parenting our kids.
Reality: The biological parent has the singular job of disciplining and the dating partner should act only as a friend, assuming the role of coach or mentor. It's acceptable to emotionally support a dating partner in their parenting role, but taking an active part in disciplining a partner's kids is guaranteed to inspire resistance in the child, and ultimately resentment between dating partners. It should be avoided at all costs. The issue of children and discipline should be discussed early on so there is no confusion about who is in the parental role. Most often people don't talk about these issues and just hope things will go well; but this is a recipe for disaster and can create even more confusion for the child(ren) involved.
4. Myth Expectation: Our deep love for each other and devotion to the relationship will take care of any challenges we come up against.
Reality: Single parents dating with kids in the mix face a multitude of challenges on many different levels. Although it's romantic to believe that problems and issues will work themselves out because of the power of love, the reality is the more informed couples are, the more prepared they will be to deal with inevitable hiccups. Being aware of issues, understanding the reality of myths, knowing what to anticipate and how to take action is a more effective relationship insurance policy than depending solely on the magic of love. Love is undeniably an important aspect of any relationship, but awareness, acceptance, commitment and the willingness to take the time necessary to get to know each other and to begin to appreciate what is required in a relationship that involves children, are absolutely critical ingredients for success.
The dating myths that single parents and singles face when children are in the mix, are but one aspect of dating after divorce. Having a reality check goes a long way towards debunking these and other myths and is an important first step in establishing more realistic expectations for your step dating relationships. As two people vision how they see things evolving over time and set realistic and developmentally appropriate expectations, they will be taking the first steps in creating happy, healthy and sustainable relationships that are good for everyone involved.
* * *
Yvonne Kelly coaches step dating couples with children, offers Remarriage Preparation and coaches existing stepfamilies to achieve success. To learn more about how to safeguard your step go to: http://www.stepinstitute.ca
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more details, her free ezine, articles, coaching services and other resources visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Friday, July 29, 2011
Divorce Recovery: Beware Your Expectations
Divorce Recovery: Beware Your Expectations
Divorce Coach Shelley Stile of Coaching for Change/Divorce Recovery for Women is my guest contributor this week. While her article comes from a female perspective, don't let that keep you from getting the message regardless of your gender. Women as well as men disappoint us as exes and also fall into the quagmire of unrealistic expectations. You can reach Shelley at: www.changecoachshelley.com.
In a nutshell, expectations are premeditated resentments and disappointments. They are self-sabotaging beliefs we hold that literally set us up to feel bad and keep us stuck in the pain of our divorce. They are in direct conflict with how the world actually works and are based on the phrase, 'should be'. In order to let go of the pain of our divorce, we must let go of impossible expectations.
What exactly is an impossible expectation? How about: I expect my ex to treat me with respect. I expect that my ex will be totally fair as regards our financial settlement. I expect my ex to feel regret for his bad behavior. I expect my ex to have trouble moving on after our divorce. I expect my ex to support me emotionally. I expect my ex to be a great Father to our kids.
Life rarely goes according to plan. Life has its ups and downs, its joys and sorrows. Life is never all one particular way: always good or always bad. The nature of existence is that life is chaotic, that it is in a continual state of change, that we cannot predict what will come next and there are no guarantees. That's just a start. Life isn't necessarily fair. We cannot control the outer world. The list of what life is goes on and on. The problem that arises is when we create expectations about life that are virtually impossible or unenforceable.
Let's take a close look at a particular situation in order to experience the truth of this fact. Sara is separated and getting divorced. Her husband left saying that he was not happy. After the fact she discovered that he was also having an affair, something he initially denied. Sara is having trouble because her ex continues to lie. Sara's impossible expectation is that her ex stops lying. She also expects for him to come clean about everything he has done. She expects for him to be on time for visiting the children, something by the way he couldn't manage even when they were married. As a result of her ex not living up to her expectations, she is continually angry, frustrated, resentful and disappointed.
The problem of course is that her expectations are impossible or unenforceable. Her husband lies and she has no control over that fact. That is just what he does and to expect him to become Mr. Truth overnight is totally unrealistic...virtually an impossible expectation. She also wants him to come clean and fess up, something that is not part of his character. Again, an unenforceable or impossible expectation. Suddenly, she expects her ex to be on time for the kids, something he has proven over and over again that he does not do. Is it a wonder that Sara is miserable? She is in a constant state of disappointment and resentment.
Sara cannot control her ex. She has a set of impossible or unenforceable expectation she is living under and they are the crux of her misery. She cannot change her ex or transform his character. Sara can control her expectations. She can identify where she is setting herself up by exposing all the impossible expectations she has surrounding her ex and seeing how they cause her great pain. Once she has identified these expectations, she can move forward by acknowledging that they are indeed impossible and not under her control. She also needs to remind herself of the real laws of the universe.
Namely: Life isn't necessarily fair. Life has its ups and down, its joys and sorrow. Life involves suffering. Life is unpredictable. Life doesn't always go according to plan. Sometimes people do bad things (and sometimes they do good things!) There is much in life over which we have no control. It is not so much what happens to us in life but rather how we choose to handle what life throws our way!
If you are using the phrase 'should be', then you know you are living with unrealistic, impossible or unenforceable expectations. Should be's always point to a fantasy world. We reject what is and expect what we feel should be. My ex shouldn't lie. Except of course he does. My ex should be emotionally supportive. Except of course he isn't. You get the picture. We can continue to resist what is or accept the truth. It ultimately comes down to a choice. As a human being, choice is our most powerful asset.
Choosing to let go of impossible expectations is choosing to let go of blame, resentment, disappointment, anger, frustration, disillusionment and regret. Choosing to accept what is versus what should be is living in the truth and the truth will give you the freedom to re-create your life.
I suggest that you make a list of all of the impossible or unenforceable expectations that you have. Notice when you become upset: see what expectation might be operating. Notice when you are working under should be's. By setting down these expectations in writing, we can begin to identify where we need to change our points of view.
Next make a list of the real laws of the universe so that you can begin to drop unrealistic expectations. What do you know to be true of life? Are there any guarantees? Is everything always a bowl of cherries? In other word, get real!
I guarantee that your self-imposed impossible expectations are a major source of your inability to let go of the pain of your divorce and move forward. This concept does not just apply to divorce recovery. It applies to all of life. Visualize a little child stamping their foot and exclaiming, "But that isn't fair!" Don't be that child.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar facilitator, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book helps parents create a unique personal family storybook that uses fill-in-the-blank templates to guide them through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information, free articles, child-centered divorce resources and Rosalind's free ezine, visit to http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Divorce Coach Shelley Stile of Coaching for Change/Divorce Recovery for Women is my guest contributor this week. While her article comes from a female perspective, don't let that keep you from getting the message regardless of your gender. Women as well as men disappoint us as exes and also fall into the quagmire of unrealistic expectations. You can reach Shelley at: www.changecoachshelley.com.
In a nutshell, expectations are premeditated resentments and disappointments. They are self-sabotaging beliefs we hold that literally set us up to feel bad and keep us stuck in the pain of our divorce. They are in direct conflict with how the world actually works and are based on the phrase, 'should be'. In order to let go of the pain of our divorce, we must let go of impossible expectations.
What exactly is an impossible expectation? How about: I expect my ex to treat me with respect. I expect that my ex will be totally fair as regards our financial settlement. I expect my ex to feel regret for his bad behavior. I expect my ex to have trouble moving on after our divorce. I expect my ex to support me emotionally. I expect my ex to be a great Father to our kids.
Life rarely goes according to plan. Life has its ups and downs, its joys and sorrows. Life is never all one particular way: always good or always bad. The nature of existence is that life is chaotic, that it is in a continual state of change, that we cannot predict what will come next and there are no guarantees. That's just a start. Life isn't necessarily fair. We cannot control the outer world. The list of what life is goes on and on. The problem that arises is when we create expectations about life that are virtually impossible or unenforceable.
Let's take a close look at a particular situation in order to experience the truth of this fact. Sara is separated and getting divorced. Her husband left saying that he was not happy. After the fact she discovered that he was also having an affair, something he initially denied. Sara is having trouble because her ex continues to lie. Sara's impossible expectation is that her ex stops lying. She also expects for him to come clean about everything he has done. She expects for him to be on time for visiting the children, something by the way he couldn't manage even when they were married. As a result of her ex not living up to her expectations, she is continually angry, frustrated, resentful and disappointed.
The problem of course is that her expectations are impossible or unenforceable. Her husband lies and she has no control over that fact. That is just what he does and to expect him to become Mr. Truth overnight is totally unrealistic...virtually an impossible expectation. She also wants him to come clean and fess up, something that is not part of his character. Again, an unenforceable or impossible expectation. Suddenly, she expects her ex to be on time for the kids, something he has proven over and over again that he does not do. Is it a wonder that Sara is miserable? She is in a constant state of disappointment and resentment.
Sara cannot control her ex. She has a set of impossible or unenforceable expectation she is living under and they are the crux of her misery. She cannot change her ex or transform his character. Sara can control her expectations. She can identify where she is setting herself up by exposing all the impossible expectations she has surrounding her ex and seeing how they cause her great pain. Once she has identified these expectations, she can move forward by acknowledging that they are indeed impossible and not under her control. She also needs to remind herself of the real laws of the universe.
Namely: Life isn't necessarily fair. Life has its ups and down, its joys and sorrow. Life involves suffering. Life is unpredictable. Life doesn't always go according to plan. Sometimes people do bad things (and sometimes they do good things!) There is much in life over which we have no control. It is not so much what happens to us in life but rather how we choose to handle what life throws our way!
If you are using the phrase 'should be', then you know you are living with unrealistic, impossible or unenforceable expectations. Should be's always point to a fantasy world. We reject what is and expect what we feel should be. My ex shouldn't lie. Except of course he does. My ex should be emotionally supportive. Except of course he isn't. You get the picture. We can continue to resist what is or accept the truth. It ultimately comes down to a choice. As a human being, choice is our most powerful asset.
Choosing to let go of impossible expectations is choosing to let go of blame, resentment, disappointment, anger, frustration, disillusionment and regret. Choosing to accept what is versus what should be is living in the truth and the truth will give you the freedom to re-create your life.
I suggest that you make a list of all of the impossible or unenforceable expectations that you have. Notice when you become upset: see what expectation might be operating. Notice when you are working under should be's. By setting down these expectations in writing, we can begin to identify where we need to change our points of view.
Next make a list of the real laws of the universe so that you can begin to drop unrealistic expectations. What do you know to be true of life? Are there any guarantees? Is everything always a bowl of cherries? In other word, get real!
I guarantee that your self-imposed impossible expectations are a major source of your inability to let go of the pain of your divorce and move forward. This concept does not just apply to divorce recovery. It applies to all of life. Visualize a little child stamping their foot and exclaiming, "But that isn't fair!" Don't be that child.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar facilitator, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book helps parents create a unique personal family storybook that uses fill-in-the-blank templates to guide them through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information, free articles, child-centered divorce resources and Rosalind's free ezine, visit to http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Blended Families: 7 Sure-fire Tips for Long-Term Success
Blended Families: 7 Sure-fire Tips for Long-Term Success
Respected author Carolyn Ellis has some sound advice for parents tackling the challenges of being part of a blended family. Take it to heart!
Blended families are becoming a reality for more people every year. Did you know that one in three Americans is part of a blended family, either as a step-parent, step-child or step-sibling? What kind of blended family will you have?
Here are 7 sure-fire ways to undermine your blended family and tips to get you back on track.
1. Ask a Parent to Choose Between Children and a New Spouse
There's a lot of truth to the saying "blood is thicker than water." Too often I hear of step-parents experiencing jealousy or feeling threatened by the children of their new partner. New step-parents need to realize that a parent needs time and space to love and nurture the relationship with his or her children.
Tip: Love is an abundant natural resource and there is enough love for both you and his or her children.
2. Start the Turf Wars
Some step-parents try to win favor by overcompensating and bending over backwards to please everyone. Sometimes the overly eager-to-be-accepted step-mom may step on the toes of the biological mother, which can set up a turf war that nobody ends up winning.
Tip: Be respectful of yourself and others. You can build strong relationships with your partner's children on your own merits by being who you are.
3. Suffer in Silence and Nurse a Grudge
The dynamics of a step-family are incredibly complex, with all kinds of conflicting loyalties. Suffering in silence or nursing grudges adds to the complications. If you want a blended family that respects, understands, and ultimately loves one another, you'll have to speak up and be heard.
Tip: Communicate, communicate, communicate. Ask for what you want. Ask constructive questions and invite dialogue with other members of your blended family, including the children and ex-spouse as needed.
4. Don't Take It Personally
Expect children, and even former spouses and new spouses, to test boundaries and limits of the new blended family. Stress management expert Tim O'Brien recommends the QTIP technique - Quit Taking It Personally. Don't look at other people's behavior as a judgment about yourself.
Tip: Take a deep breath, count to ten and ask yourself, "Is this really my issue?"
5. Use Different Strokes for Different Folks
When each spouse brings children from previous relationships into one blended family, but with radically different discipline and house rules, watch out! The charges of favoritism and unfairness will start pretty quickly. Some amount of consistency will help the new family to gel.
Tip: Identify how discipline and chores will be handled and by whom, ideally before you start living together. Ongoing communication and review is important.
6. Expect To Be the Brady Bunch
Wouldn't it be interesting to see the prequel of the Brady Bunch and hear the discussions and issues they faced before they merged so happily? Put aside the fantasy that if someone loves you, they are going to automatically love your children and vice versa. Relationships are always works in progress and have to be built over time.
Tip: Create a big picture of what you'd like your blended family to look and feel like. Make your day-to-day choices based on what will move you towards that vision.
7. Don't Have a Game Plan
Crossing your fingers and hoping that everything "will work out for the best" is a slippery slope. Take some leadership and decide what your role will be. Do you see yourself as a trusted advisor, third parent, or a detached observer? What role does your new spouse want you to play?
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Tip: Realize that blended families are playing in a whole new ballpark than the traditional, nuclear family. Create some agreements on the roles and responsibilities people in this new family system will have. Expect to fine-tune it on a regular basis.
Author and spiritual divorce coach, Carolyn B. Ellis, founded Thrive After Divorce, Inc. to help separated and divorced individuals improve relationships, increase self-confidence and save time and heartache. She is the award-winning author of the best-selling The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive After Divorce. To read a FREE chapter of her Parenting after Divorce 101 ebook that contains simple, life-changing tips for single parenting, visit http://www.parentingafterdivorce101.com.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love. For her free articles, blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Respected author Carolyn Ellis has some sound advice for parents tackling the challenges of being part of a blended family. Take it to heart!
Blended families are becoming a reality for more people every year. Did you know that one in three Americans is part of a blended family, either as a step-parent, step-child or step-sibling? What kind of blended family will you have?
Here are 7 sure-fire ways to undermine your blended family and tips to get you back on track.
1. Ask a Parent to Choose Between Children and a New Spouse
There's a lot of truth to the saying "blood is thicker than water." Too often I hear of step-parents experiencing jealousy or feeling threatened by the children of their new partner. New step-parents need to realize that a parent needs time and space to love and nurture the relationship with his or her children.
Tip: Love is an abundant natural resource and there is enough love for both you and his or her children.
2. Start the Turf Wars
Some step-parents try to win favor by overcompensating and bending over backwards to please everyone. Sometimes the overly eager-to-be-accepted step-mom may step on the toes of the biological mother, which can set up a turf war that nobody ends up winning.
Tip: Be respectful of yourself and others. You can build strong relationships with your partner's children on your own merits by being who you are.
3. Suffer in Silence and Nurse a Grudge
The dynamics of a step-family are incredibly complex, with all kinds of conflicting loyalties. Suffering in silence or nursing grudges adds to the complications. If you want a blended family that respects, understands, and ultimately loves one another, you'll have to speak up and be heard.
Tip: Communicate, communicate, communicate. Ask for what you want. Ask constructive questions and invite dialogue with other members of your blended family, including the children and ex-spouse as needed.
4. Don't Take It Personally
Expect children, and even former spouses and new spouses, to test boundaries and limits of the new blended family. Stress management expert Tim O'Brien recommends the QTIP technique - Quit Taking It Personally. Don't look at other people's behavior as a judgment about yourself.
Tip: Take a deep breath, count to ten and ask yourself, "Is this really my issue?"
5. Use Different Strokes for Different Folks
When each spouse brings children from previous relationships into one blended family, but with radically different discipline and house rules, watch out! The charges of favoritism and unfairness will start pretty quickly. Some amount of consistency will help the new family to gel.
Tip: Identify how discipline and chores will be handled and by whom, ideally before you start living together. Ongoing communication and review is important.
6. Expect To Be the Brady Bunch
Wouldn't it be interesting to see the prequel of the Brady Bunch and hear the discussions and issues they faced before they merged so happily? Put aside the fantasy that if someone loves you, they are going to automatically love your children and vice versa. Relationships are always works in progress and have to be built over time.
Tip: Create a big picture of what you'd like your blended family to look and feel like. Make your day-to-day choices based on what will move you towards that vision.
7. Don't Have a Game Plan
Crossing your fingers and hoping that everything "will work out for the best" is a slippery slope. Take some leadership and decide what your role will be. Do you see yourself as a trusted advisor, third parent, or a detached observer? What role does your new spouse want you to play?
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Tip: Realize that blended families are playing in a whole new ballpark than the traditional, nuclear family. Create some agreements on the roles and responsibilities people in this new family system will have. Expect to fine-tune it on a regular basis.
Author and spiritual divorce coach, Carolyn B. Ellis, founded Thrive After Divorce, Inc. to help separated and divorced individuals improve relationships, increase self-confidence and save time and heartache. She is the award-winning author of the best-selling The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive After Divorce. To read a FREE chapter of her Parenting after Divorce 101 ebook that contains simple, life-changing tips for single parenting, visit http://www.parentingafterdivorce101.com.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love. For her free articles, blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Monday, July 18, 2011
Boynton Beach author offers free divorce resources through July for parents
Boynton Beach author offers free divorce resources through July for parents
July 15, 2011|By Jaclyn Rosansky, Sun Sentinel
In 1995, local author Rosalind Sedacca was worried about how to tell her young son about her impending divorce. She came up with a way to smooth his transition: a scrapbook explaining the divorce thoughtfully.
After realizing there should be a template or model for how to tell children about divorce, she wrote a homemade storybook and made it downloadable so parents could customize it with photos and personal information.
"How Do I tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create a Storybook Guide to Preparing your Children — with Love!" uses two age-appropriate, fill-in-the-blank templates for parents to use when breaking the news.
Her now-adult son wrote the introduction.
She is offering her special divorce advice and more for free for in July, which is National Child-Centered Divorce month. She applied five years ago to Chase's Calendar of Events, a resource for creating special days, weeks and months, to make July a special time for parents to think about the impact divorce can have on children. The process took several months to finalize.
She also created the Child-Centered Divorce Network as a support and resource center for parents to handle divorce the "right way."
Sedacca, who lives in Boynton Beach, is a relationship coach, professional speaker and holds a bachelor's degree in communications.
"All couples should ask themselves this question," Sedacca said. "Do I love my children more than I hate my ex?"
Answering this question reminds parents to remain civil and ensure their children are first priority, she said.
Another expert, Ron LaSorsa, offers advice for couples with children and whose marriages are broken. He grew up around divorce and experienced it as an adult, and founded the Kids Come First Coalition so that professionals and individuals could talk and makes suggestions for telling kids about divorce.
"The traditional divorce process has a negative impact on children," LaSorsa said.
Some mistakes parents often make include: making the child a messenger between parents, having the child make divorce decisions, alienating the child and telling a child adult information such as if one parent is an alcoholic.
Older children especially, Sedacca said, are affected the most because they often develop resentment and anger that result from divorce.
Parents should constantly tell the child it is not their fault for the divorce, make them feel loved and use co-parenting skills.
"The problem is not divorce," Sedacca said, "It's how divorce is handled."
For access to free divorce resources online for the rest of the month, visit childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce, Sedacca's website at childcentereddivorce.com or contact Sedacca for more information at rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com. LaSorsa can be reached at kidscomefirstcoalition@gmail.com and his website is divorcecures.com.
July 15, 2011|By Jaclyn Rosansky, Sun Sentinel
In 1995, local author Rosalind Sedacca was worried about how to tell her young son about her impending divorce. She came up with a way to smooth his transition: a scrapbook explaining the divorce thoughtfully.
After realizing there should be a template or model for how to tell children about divorce, she wrote a homemade storybook and made it downloadable so parents could customize it with photos and personal information.
"How Do I tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create a Storybook Guide to Preparing your Children — with Love!" uses two age-appropriate, fill-in-the-blank templates for parents to use when breaking the news.
Her now-adult son wrote the introduction.
She is offering her special divorce advice and more for free for in July, which is National Child-Centered Divorce month. She applied five years ago to Chase's Calendar of Events, a resource for creating special days, weeks and months, to make July a special time for parents to think about the impact divorce can have on children. The process took several months to finalize.
She also created the Child-Centered Divorce Network as a support and resource center for parents to handle divorce the "right way."
Sedacca, who lives in Boynton Beach, is a relationship coach, professional speaker and holds a bachelor's degree in communications.
"All couples should ask themselves this question," Sedacca said. "Do I love my children more than I hate my ex?"
Answering this question reminds parents to remain civil and ensure their children are first priority, she said.
Another expert, Ron LaSorsa, offers advice for couples with children and whose marriages are broken. He grew up around divorce and experienced it as an adult, and founded the Kids Come First Coalition so that professionals and individuals could talk and makes suggestions for telling kids about divorce.
"The traditional divorce process has a negative impact on children," LaSorsa said.
Some mistakes parents often make include: making the child a messenger between parents, having the child make divorce decisions, alienating the child and telling a child adult information such as if one parent is an alcoholic.
Older children especially, Sedacca said, are affected the most because they often develop resentment and anger that result from divorce.
Parents should constantly tell the child it is not their fault for the divorce, make them feel loved and use co-parenting skills.
"The problem is not divorce," Sedacca said, "It's how divorce is handled."
For access to free divorce resources online for the rest of the month, visit childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce, Sedacca's website at childcentereddivorce.com or contact Sedacca for more information at rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com. LaSorsa can be reached at kidscomefirstcoalition@gmail.com and his website is divorcecures.com.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
A Warning for Divorced Parents with Teens: Keep Dads Actively Parenting
A Warning for Divorced Parents with Teens: Keep Dads Actively Parenting
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I have several divorced friends and colleagues with teenagers who are displaying disturbing behavior problems. These teens, especially the boys, are acting out in all the ways parents pray they never have to experience: drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd, school problems, disrespectful and inconsiderate behavior -- you get the idea.
While each of these teens have parents who are divorced, there's more to it than just that. Their biological fathers are not playing a strong role in their lives. And their mothers do not have a positive relationship with their "wasband."
Does this mean that all children of divorce whose fathers are not actively in their lives will grow up to be troubled teens? Of course not. But there is a strong correlation between a father's influence and a child's - especially a son's -- sense of positive self-esteem and responsible behavior.
We all know it's tough to be a teen. The challenges are enormous and the influences toward negative and anti-social behaviors are substantial within our culture. When you add the absence of a strong father figure to the mix, many young men just can't overcome the lack of emotional support in their lives. They are more vulnerable to the temptations of acting out and going astray.
Co-parenting after divorce is never easy, nor are there simple answers for creating a smooth transition post-divorce into the parenting arena. However there are pitfalls we can all strive to avoid and warning signs that lead to potential problems that every divorced parent should keep in mind.
Dads: Stay in your kids' lives as a parent, not a playmate. Take responsibility for talking to your teens on a regular basis about key issues, especially what it means to be a responsible young adult, how to treat parents, teachers and siblings respectfully and goals to aspire toward for a successful future.
Moms: Honor your teen's relationship with their biological Dad - even if a Step-Father or other male relationship partners are in the picture. Let their Dad actively parent them and be a model for healthy, responsible behavior. Don't be a wedge between father and son/daughter or put down their father in their presence. You are laying the foundation for bringing into society a young adult who matures with compassion for others and high self-esteem.
Parents: The key to parenting successfully after a divorce is maturity. Make decisions about your sons and daughters from the place of a caring, loving parent, not a vengeful former spouse. Don't take out your frustrations with your ex on your children. Overlook the minor and petty annoyances and focus on the big picture -- raising confident, empathic, considerate and loving children.
When an issue comes along that pushes your buttons, ask yourself this question: How would I respond to this parenting dilemma if I wasn't divorced? Then focus on the right answer for the well-being of your children ... as a parent - not just a divorced parent.
The rewards you derive in the years to come will more than offset the frustrations and inconveniences that inevitably are part of post-divorce co-parenting. Aren't your children worth it?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I have several divorced friends and colleagues with teenagers who are displaying disturbing behavior problems. These teens, especially the boys, are acting out in all the ways parents pray they never have to experience: drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd, school problems, disrespectful and inconsiderate behavior -- you get the idea.
While each of these teens have parents who are divorced, there's more to it than just that. Their biological fathers are not playing a strong role in their lives. And their mothers do not have a positive relationship with their "wasband."
Does this mean that all children of divorce whose fathers are not actively in their lives will grow up to be troubled teens? Of course not. But there is a strong correlation between a father's influence and a child's - especially a son's -- sense of positive self-esteem and responsible behavior.
We all know it's tough to be a teen. The challenges are enormous and the influences toward negative and anti-social behaviors are substantial within our culture. When you add the absence of a strong father figure to the mix, many young men just can't overcome the lack of emotional support in their lives. They are more vulnerable to the temptations of acting out and going astray.
Co-parenting after divorce is never easy, nor are there simple answers for creating a smooth transition post-divorce into the parenting arena. However there are pitfalls we can all strive to avoid and warning signs that lead to potential problems that every divorced parent should keep in mind.
Dads: Stay in your kids' lives as a parent, not a playmate. Take responsibility for talking to your teens on a regular basis about key issues, especially what it means to be a responsible young adult, how to treat parents, teachers and siblings respectfully and goals to aspire toward for a successful future.
Moms: Honor your teen's relationship with their biological Dad - even if a Step-Father or other male relationship partners are in the picture. Let their Dad actively parent them and be a model for healthy, responsible behavior. Don't be a wedge between father and son/daughter or put down their father in their presence. You are laying the foundation for bringing into society a young adult who matures with compassion for others and high self-esteem.
Parents: The key to parenting successfully after a divorce is maturity. Make decisions about your sons and daughters from the place of a caring, loving parent, not a vengeful former spouse. Don't take out your frustrations with your ex on your children. Overlook the minor and petty annoyances and focus on the big picture -- raising confident, empathic, considerate and loving children.
When an issue comes along that pushes your buttons, ask yourself this question: How would I respond to this parenting dilemma if I wasn't divorced? Then focus on the right answer for the well-being of your children ... as a parent - not just a divorced parent.
The rewards you derive in the years to come will more than offset the frustrations and inconveniences that inevitably are part of post-divorce co-parenting. Aren't your children worth it?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Cooperative Co-parenting - Keys to Making It Work
Cooperative Co-parenting - Keys to Making It Work
By Rosalind Sedacca
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry tells us that children of divorce do best when both of their parents continue to be actively involved in their lives. It's the ongoing connection that makes the positive difference for these children, minimizing the fact that their parents no longer live together.
That's why co-parenting is so universally encouraged after divorce as a significant way to reduce the long-term emotional impact on children. Co-parenting styles and arrangements can differ widely from family to family to suit their individual needs. However, most all professionals agree that co-parenting will only succeed if some basic agreements are made and kept and significant mistakes are avoided. Here are some good rules to follow:
1. Don't deny your child personal time with both of their parents.
If you want your child to weather the challenges that come with divorce and disruption of the family dynamic, allow him/her as much time as possible with both you and your ex. Your child will thank you, have fewer behavioral problems, and grow up happier and emotionally healthier when you honor their love for both of their parents.
2. Don't argue or have tantrums around your child.
Be a positive role model for your child by exhibiting mature behavior. If you have issues, gripes or reason for angry words with your co-parent, plan a private time alone, far from your child's eyes and ears, for those conversations. The consequences when you do otherwise will be significant and long-lasting.
3. Don't make your child your confident - or friend!
It's hard enough for adults to unravel the complex emotions connected to divorce. Think of how unfair it is to expect your child to bear those burdens on your behalf. You rob your kids of their childhood when you confide or share your feelings about your ex with them - especially when you're trying to influence them in your direction. Need to rant and vent about your ex? Do it with a friend - or better yet, a professional with an objective ear.
4. Don't make your child the messenger.
When you have issues to discuss, discuss them directly, not through your children. Not only can the kids mess up the messages, they can also intentionally change the messages due to guilt, anxiety, fear, resentment and other emotions related to protecting one or both parents. This is a big no-no that can lead to no good.
5. Don't think like a sole parent; you're part of a parenting team.
When you were married you were one of two parents. You still are. When parenting issues come up, ask yourself what would I do as a parent if I weren't divorced? If that still makes sense, respond accordingly. You're a parent first and a divorcee second. Parents who continue parenting as a team create an easier transition and better post-divorce adjustments for their child.
6. Don't be rigid - flexibility is fruitful.
Every time you bend, go with the flow, compromise and cooperate with your co-parent you model the kind of behaviors that benefit both of you in the long-term. Flexibility reduces defensiveness and builds bridges toward better parenting solutions. Remember, every time you forgive and indulge irritating behavior without creating an issue, you are doing it to make life easier for your child. Isn't he or she worth it?
7. Don't exclude the other parent whenever you have a choice.
Even when you are the primary residential parent that doesn't mean your ex can't be included in special occasion celebrations, school activities, sports and other events in your child's life. Think about how pleased your child will be having both Mom and Dad on hand to enjoy significant moments in their life. When it makes sense for both parents to be together on behalf of your child, be cordial and mature. This lifts an enormous weight off your child's shoulders. They'll thank you when they are grown.
Sometimes it helps to think about co-parenting as a business relationship that has to work. You make accommodations on behalf of your partner for the higher cause of business success. This can be a valuable perspective for co-parents after divorce. When you put all your efforts into making it work, your children reap the rewards. Isn't that a bottom line result worth your commitment and attention?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! She is also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles, free ezine and other parenting resources, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry tells us that children of divorce do best when both of their parents continue to be actively involved in their lives. It's the ongoing connection that makes the positive difference for these children, minimizing the fact that their parents no longer live together.
That's why co-parenting is so universally encouraged after divorce as a significant way to reduce the long-term emotional impact on children. Co-parenting styles and arrangements can differ widely from family to family to suit their individual needs. However, most all professionals agree that co-parenting will only succeed if some basic agreements are made and kept and significant mistakes are avoided. Here are some good rules to follow:
1. Don't deny your child personal time with both of their parents.
If you want your child to weather the challenges that come with divorce and disruption of the family dynamic, allow him/her as much time as possible with both you and your ex. Your child will thank you, have fewer behavioral problems, and grow up happier and emotionally healthier when you honor their love for both of their parents.
2. Don't argue or have tantrums around your child.
Be a positive role model for your child by exhibiting mature behavior. If you have issues, gripes or reason for angry words with your co-parent, plan a private time alone, far from your child's eyes and ears, for those conversations. The consequences when you do otherwise will be significant and long-lasting.
3. Don't make your child your confident - or friend!
It's hard enough for adults to unravel the complex emotions connected to divorce. Think of how unfair it is to expect your child to bear those burdens on your behalf. You rob your kids of their childhood when you confide or share your feelings about your ex with them - especially when you're trying to influence them in your direction. Need to rant and vent about your ex? Do it with a friend - or better yet, a professional with an objective ear.
4. Don't make your child the messenger.
When you have issues to discuss, discuss them directly, not through your children. Not only can the kids mess up the messages, they can also intentionally change the messages due to guilt, anxiety, fear, resentment and other emotions related to protecting one or both parents. This is a big no-no that can lead to no good.
5. Don't think like a sole parent; you're part of a parenting team.
When you were married you were one of two parents. You still are. When parenting issues come up, ask yourself what would I do as a parent if I weren't divorced? If that still makes sense, respond accordingly. You're a parent first and a divorcee second. Parents who continue parenting as a team create an easier transition and better post-divorce adjustments for their child.
6. Don't be rigid - flexibility is fruitful.
Every time you bend, go with the flow, compromise and cooperate with your co-parent you model the kind of behaviors that benefit both of you in the long-term. Flexibility reduces defensiveness and builds bridges toward better parenting solutions. Remember, every time you forgive and indulge irritating behavior without creating an issue, you are doing it to make life easier for your child. Isn't he or she worth it?
7. Don't exclude the other parent whenever you have a choice.
Even when you are the primary residential parent that doesn't mean your ex can't be included in special occasion celebrations, school activities, sports and other events in your child's life. Think about how pleased your child will be having both Mom and Dad on hand to enjoy significant moments in their life. When it makes sense for both parents to be together on behalf of your child, be cordial and mature. This lifts an enormous weight off your child's shoulders. They'll thank you when they are grown.
Sometimes it helps to think about co-parenting as a business relationship that has to work. You make accommodations on behalf of your partner for the higher cause of business success. This can be a valuable perspective for co-parents after divorce. When you put all your efforts into making it work, your children reap the rewards. Isn't that a bottom line result worth your commitment and attention?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! She is also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles, free ezine and other parenting resources, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Shared Parenting After Divorce - Sharing Clothes, Toys and Information
Shared Parenting After Divorce - Sharing Clothes, Toys and Information
Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center in Colorado has some valuable advice to share with all Moms and Dads who want to co-parent successfully. Give her advice your attention and you'll nip potential conflicts in the bud.
As you are preparing your parenting plan, it is very helpful if you include some details about how you will share clothes, toys, and information for the children as they transition from one house to the other. This is usually something that parents think will just happen automatically, without any particular discussion, but it often doesn't. By taking a little time to discuss these issues and plan for them during the initial process, you can avoid disagreement and conflict down the road.
Clothes
Regardless of how much time the children are with each parent, it is very helpful if each parent keeps clothes for the children in their own house. As you are separating property in the beginning, include children's clothes for each household. How many outfits each household needs will depend on the parenting schedule you are thinking about. Even if you aren't sure of the schedule as you are initially dividing property, try to allow for at least three outfits for each household, if possible.
If the children's wardrobe is not big enough to be able to set aside clothes for each household, divide the clothes you do have and then each parent can shop for more new or used clothes for their respective household. This system works well for the children because it allows them to have familiar clothes at each house, making them feel more at home in each place.
When the parents have clothes for the children at their own houses, they are much more aware of the children's growing needs. Both parents will know when the children outgrow their clothes and shoes and can replace them accordingly. This awareness can help avoid arguments over child support and the cost of clothes.
Having clothes in each household also helps avoid arguments over clothes not being returned or being returned dirty. How exactly the clothes will be handled for each transition will depend upon the days and times of the exchange.
Toys
After separation and divorce, children often complain that there is nothing much to do at the house where they spend less time. When the children's time is spent fairly evenly at each house, the parents seem to do a better job of providing toys, books, toiletries, and incidentals for the children. As children's time at one house becomes significantly less than 50/50, the parent with less time sometimes overlooks the importance of keeping these everyday items for the children.
Everyone likes to have familiar things around. For children this is especially important to their sense of belonging and comfort. Whether the children are in your home half the time or only a few days a month, keeping toys, games and other things for them will help them feel at home. If you're not sure what they'd like, try making an activity out of gathering these things together. Thrift stores can be great places for these "treasure hunts".
Information
There are many ways people exchange information about the children after separation. The fact that you give some thought and discussion to this issue is more important than the actual methods you decide work best for you.
Before email, blogs, and the internet were prevalent, parents would often include a notebook in the children's backpack or suitcase to transport back and forth between houses. Although this is better than having no way to share information it is not preferred. Communication between parents should not be the children's responsibility. Even though the children are not actually the messengers between parents with the use of a notebook, they still bear the burden of being the delivery person.
The old notebook idea can be updated to take advantage of today's technology. The parents can share information about what's going on with the children and school without giving the children the responsibility of carrying the information back and forth.
Consider scheduling regular email exchanges to share information about the children, school, and activities. To keep email from becoming intrusive, talk about the schedule that will work best for you and try to stick to that schedule. You can use text messaging instead of email, but people sometimes have a harder time setting limits for themselves using text messaging than using email.
You might also consider using a private blog to keep a running dialogue about the children. Several blog sites are free and easy to set up. You can set up the blog to be private so only you parents have access to read and author the blog. This is like the notebook in the backpack, but the parents are fully responsible for keeping track of the blog, relieving the children of that extra burden.
Including in your parenting plan how you will share clothes, toys, and information after separation will help ease the children's fears and concerns as they move between homes. They will appreciate the thought you put into this and will love not having to lug a backpack or suitcase with them.
© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center in Colorado has some valuable advice to share with all Moms and Dads who want to co-parent successfully. Give her advice your attention and you'll nip potential conflicts in the bud.
As you are preparing your parenting plan, it is very helpful if you include some details about how you will share clothes, toys, and information for the children as they transition from one house to the other. This is usually something that parents think will just happen automatically, without any particular discussion, but it often doesn't. By taking a little time to discuss these issues and plan for them during the initial process, you can avoid disagreement and conflict down the road.
Clothes
Regardless of how much time the children are with each parent, it is very helpful if each parent keeps clothes for the children in their own house. As you are separating property in the beginning, include children's clothes for each household. How many outfits each household needs will depend on the parenting schedule you are thinking about. Even if you aren't sure of the schedule as you are initially dividing property, try to allow for at least three outfits for each household, if possible.
If the children's wardrobe is not big enough to be able to set aside clothes for each household, divide the clothes you do have and then each parent can shop for more new or used clothes for their respective household. This system works well for the children because it allows them to have familiar clothes at each house, making them feel more at home in each place.
When the parents have clothes for the children at their own houses, they are much more aware of the children's growing needs. Both parents will know when the children outgrow their clothes and shoes and can replace them accordingly. This awareness can help avoid arguments over child support and the cost of clothes.
Having clothes in each household also helps avoid arguments over clothes not being returned or being returned dirty. How exactly the clothes will be handled for each transition will depend upon the days and times of the exchange.
Toys
After separation and divorce, children often complain that there is nothing much to do at the house where they spend less time. When the children's time is spent fairly evenly at each house, the parents seem to do a better job of providing toys, books, toiletries, and incidentals for the children. As children's time at one house becomes significantly less than 50/50, the parent with less time sometimes overlooks the importance of keeping these everyday items for the children.
Everyone likes to have familiar things around. For children this is especially important to their sense of belonging and comfort. Whether the children are in your home half the time or only a few days a month, keeping toys, games and other things for them will help them feel at home. If you're not sure what they'd like, try making an activity out of gathering these things together. Thrift stores can be great places for these "treasure hunts".
Information
There are many ways people exchange information about the children after separation. The fact that you give some thought and discussion to this issue is more important than the actual methods you decide work best for you.
Before email, blogs, and the internet were prevalent, parents would often include a notebook in the children's backpack or suitcase to transport back and forth between houses. Although this is better than having no way to share information it is not preferred. Communication between parents should not be the children's responsibility. Even though the children are not actually the messengers between parents with the use of a notebook, they still bear the burden of being the delivery person.
The old notebook idea can be updated to take advantage of today's technology. The parents can share information about what's going on with the children and school without giving the children the responsibility of carrying the information back and forth.
Consider scheduling regular email exchanges to share information about the children, school, and activities. To keep email from becoming intrusive, talk about the schedule that will work best for you and try to stick to that schedule. You can use text messaging instead of email, but people sometimes have a harder time setting limits for themselves using text messaging than using email.
You might also consider using a private blog to keep a running dialogue about the children. Several blog sites are free and easy to set up. You can set up the blog to be private so only you parents have access to read and author the blog. This is like the notebook in the backpack, but the parents are fully responsible for keeping track of the blog, relieving the children of that extra burden.
Including in your parenting plan how you will share clothes, toys, and information after separation will help ease the children's fears and concerns as they move between homes. They will appreciate the thought you put into this and will love not having to lug a backpack or suitcase with them.
© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Child-Centered Divorce: Children Parenting their Parents
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Divorce is tough enough. When children try to protect their parents from its consequences, the parenting is moving backwards and the results are devastating. Always be careful of what you share with your children regarding your own emotional state during and after your divorce. It can create enormous confusion for your children, along with guilt, frustration and despair.
Children who experience their parents divorce are helpless to change the circumstances. But they often try. They want to do something to "fix" the situation, but they haven't a clue how. Sometimes they create solutions that make sense in their young minds, but actually cause greater complications. That's why it's so important for parents to take the emotional burden off of the shoulders of their children. Reassure them that Mom and Dad are still their parents and will continue to be there for them with compassion and love. Tell them they need not worry ... and remind them that none of this is in any way their fault or responsibility.
Children can be very resourceful in how they behave when they sense either one of their parents is vulnerable or hurting. Often they will side with one parent over the other as a means of support. They may fear that expressing happiness about time spent with one parent can seem like a betrayal of the other. They worry about hurting the feelings of the emotionally weaker parent - or experiencing the disapproval of the emotionally stronger parent. Either way, it's a lose/lose situation for the child who feels caught in the middle.
Parents are not always aware of how children interpret their comments or emotional displays. If a parent confides to a child that they are very lonely when he or she is with their other parent, it frequently creates a need to "protect" the sad parent. So the child may elaborate on the truth by telling you what they think you want to hear. "I miss you too. I wish I could always be with you. If I didn't have to stay with Mom/Dad I'd never be there."
These small white lies can grow into larger stories - even outrageous lies - with the intent of protecting one or both parents. It can also become a vehicle for pitting both parents against one another. Children easily sense when they can manipulate their circumstances - and their emotionally vulnerable parents. This becomes even easier and more tempting when the parents are not speaking to one another or co-parenting cooperatively. The result can be devastating for everyone in the family - each pointing the finger at the other in blame.
When parents are too caught up in their own self-righteous dramas to put their children's needs first, those children have little recourse but to start parenting themselves. The consequences for the children can take many directions: a sense of mistrust of adults, guilt about knowing they are exploiting their circumstances and deep insecurity because their world is no longer safely guided by parental boundaries. The responsibility here must always fall upon the parents - not the innocent children who are trying to cope with an adult-made situation beyond their control.
Communication is the key to avoiding these complex backward parenting situations. Talk to your children about divorce-related issues as a parent, not a confident. Remember that your former spouse is also a parent that your children love. If your communication with that parent is poor or limited, you are setting your children up for compensating in any way they can - with guilt, frustration, confusion, shame, anger - even revenge -- as the motive.
When you accept responsibility for creating a Child-Centered Divorce and co-parent in the best way for your children's well-being, they will feel more secure, stable, loved, protected and supported. That gives them permission to continue being children without bearing the burden of having to parent their parents after divorce.
Do you want your divorce to rob your children of their right to enjoy their childhood? Of course not! Then understand the serious consequences of backward parenting and communicate mindfully and responsibly when discussing divorce or related family issues with the children you love.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Divorce is tough enough. When children try to protect their parents from its consequences, the parenting is moving backwards and the results are devastating. Always be careful of what you share with your children regarding your own emotional state during and after your divorce. It can create enormous confusion for your children, along with guilt, frustration and despair.
Children who experience their parents divorce are helpless to change the circumstances. But they often try. They want to do something to "fix" the situation, but they haven't a clue how. Sometimes they create solutions that make sense in their young minds, but actually cause greater complications. That's why it's so important for parents to take the emotional burden off of the shoulders of their children. Reassure them that Mom and Dad are still their parents and will continue to be there for them with compassion and love. Tell them they need not worry ... and remind them that none of this is in any way their fault or responsibility.
Children can be very resourceful in how they behave when they sense either one of their parents is vulnerable or hurting. Often they will side with one parent over the other as a means of support. They may fear that expressing happiness about time spent with one parent can seem like a betrayal of the other. They worry about hurting the feelings of the emotionally weaker parent - or experiencing the disapproval of the emotionally stronger parent. Either way, it's a lose/lose situation for the child who feels caught in the middle.
Parents are not always aware of how children interpret their comments or emotional displays. If a parent confides to a child that they are very lonely when he or she is with their other parent, it frequently creates a need to "protect" the sad parent. So the child may elaborate on the truth by telling you what they think you want to hear. "I miss you too. I wish I could always be with you. If I didn't have to stay with Mom/Dad I'd never be there."
These small white lies can grow into larger stories - even outrageous lies - with the intent of protecting one or both parents. It can also become a vehicle for pitting both parents against one another. Children easily sense when they can manipulate their circumstances - and their emotionally vulnerable parents. This becomes even easier and more tempting when the parents are not speaking to one another or co-parenting cooperatively. The result can be devastating for everyone in the family - each pointing the finger at the other in blame.
When parents are too caught up in their own self-righteous dramas to put their children's needs first, those children have little recourse but to start parenting themselves. The consequences for the children can take many directions: a sense of mistrust of adults, guilt about knowing they are exploiting their circumstances and deep insecurity because their world is no longer safely guided by parental boundaries. The responsibility here must always fall upon the parents - not the innocent children who are trying to cope with an adult-made situation beyond their control.
Communication is the key to avoiding these complex backward parenting situations. Talk to your children about divorce-related issues as a parent, not a confident. Remember that your former spouse is also a parent that your children love. If your communication with that parent is poor or limited, you are setting your children up for compensating in any way they can - with guilt, frustration, confusion, shame, anger - even revenge -- as the motive.
When you accept responsibility for creating a Child-Centered Divorce and co-parent in the best way for your children's well-being, they will feel more secure, stable, loved, protected and supported. That gives them permission to continue being children without bearing the burden of having to parent their parents after divorce.
Do you want your divorce to rob your children of their right to enjoy their childhood? Of course not! Then understand the serious consequences of backward parenting and communicate mindfully and responsibly when discussing divorce or related family issues with the children you love.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Parenting After Divorce: Three Questions Crucial to Your Success
Parenting After Divorce: Three Questions Crucial to Your Success
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Michael Matracci, Esq. is one of the "good guy" collaborative divorce attorneys who avidly supports the concept and principles of Child-Centered Divorce. He is the author of a new book, Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations, which can be found at his website at www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com.
Recently I interviewed Michael, who is a divorced parent himself. He shared with me a valuable technique he uses when dealing with parenting issues with his former spouse. I loved the concept and am passing it along to other parents who face continuous challenges, month after month, year after year, as they raise their children following a divorce.
Michael asks himself three basic questions that get to the heart of what a child-centered divorce is about: doing the very best for your children. When a parenting issue arises that he and his former spouse have to face, before he takes any action he first answers these questions:
1. If we were two "normal" married parents, what would I do?
2. If we were still married, would this issue really be a big deal?
3. Is this about our child - or more about ME and HER/HIM?
These questions put you in the right perspective for taking wise and effective action. They help you to detach from the emotional "drama" of your divorce. Have you been caught up in your "story" about being a victim, abused, hurt, angry, jealous or exploited by your former spouse? By questioning your motives you can remind yourself that parenting issues are not about YOU; they are about what's in the best interest of the children you love.
That can mean sacrificing some ego gratification, biting your tongue when you want to be sarcastic, being more tolerant of an ex who sees things differently regarding discipline, rules and other parenting choices. At the same time, it can also bring you into closer alignment with your children's other parent which will help you to determine the best outcomes for your children together as their parents.
Most important of all, these questions will remind you that when it comes to parenting decision, always take the high road. Be the "mature" parent who puts their children's needs first. That's always the answer you are looking for - and one that you will never regret.
* * *
For other free articles on Child-Centered Divorce, a free ezine, valuable resources for parents, coaching and other services, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All Rights Reserved
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Michael Matracci, Esq. is one of the "good guy" collaborative divorce attorneys who avidly supports the concept and principles of Child-Centered Divorce. He is the author of a new book, Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations, which can be found at his website at www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com.
Recently I interviewed Michael, who is a divorced parent himself. He shared with me a valuable technique he uses when dealing with parenting issues with his former spouse. I loved the concept and am passing it along to other parents who face continuous challenges, month after month, year after year, as they raise their children following a divorce.
Michael asks himself three basic questions that get to the heart of what a child-centered divorce is about: doing the very best for your children. When a parenting issue arises that he and his former spouse have to face, before he takes any action he first answers these questions:
1. If we were two "normal" married parents, what would I do?
2. If we were still married, would this issue really be a big deal?
3. Is this about our child - or more about ME and HER/HIM?
These questions put you in the right perspective for taking wise and effective action. They help you to detach from the emotional "drama" of your divorce. Have you been caught up in your "story" about being a victim, abused, hurt, angry, jealous or exploited by your former spouse? By questioning your motives you can remind yourself that parenting issues are not about YOU; they are about what's in the best interest of the children you love.
That can mean sacrificing some ego gratification, biting your tongue when you want to be sarcastic, being more tolerant of an ex who sees things differently regarding discipline, rules and other parenting choices. At the same time, it can also bring you into closer alignment with your children's other parent which will help you to determine the best outcomes for your children together as their parents.
Most important of all, these questions will remind you that when it comes to parenting decision, always take the high road. Be the "mature" parent who puts their children's needs first. That's always the answer you are looking for - and one that you will never regret.
* * *
For other free articles on Child-Centered Divorce, a free ezine, valuable resources for parents, coaching and other services, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All Rights Reserved
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Commensurate Consequences
The weight of consequences for misbehavior always needs to be commensurate to the intent behind that behavior.
A teen who periodically comes home fifteen minutes late is probably displaying immaturity and impulsiveness, not rebellion. That teen needs more reminders and perhaps an earlier curfew. On the other hand, a teen who consistently comes home late with the attitude, “No one is telling me what to do!” needs to experience stronger consequences. That’s when taking away car privileges or grounding him would be appropriate.
It’s important for parents to differentiate between willful and accidental disobedience and assign consequences appropriately. Consequences can correct behavior, but basing them on the wrong intent can lead to more serious problems.
©2011 Mark Gregston www.parentingtodaysteens.org.
A teen who periodically comes home fifteen minutes late is probably displaying immaturity and impulsiveness, not rebellion. That teen needs more reminders and perhaps an earlier curfew. On the other hand, a teen who consistently comes home late with the attitude, “No one is telling me what to do!” needs to experience stronger consequences. That’s when taking away car privileges or grounding him would be appropriate.
It’s important for parents to differentiate between willful and accidental disobedience and assign consequences appropriately. Consequences can correct behavior, but basing them on the wrong intent can lead to more serious problems.
©2011 Mark Gregston www.parentingtodaysteens.org.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Discipline and Teenagers
A few years ago my mother said, “You know, you boys weren’t disciplined a whole lot growing up.” I looked at my brother and he looked at me. For a brief moment we wondered if Alzheimer’s was setting in. That’s sure not the way we remember it!
Now I’m not saying we didn’t deserve it…in fact we probably deserved more than we got. But while there was indeed discipline, the style of discipline that we received from our father made it less effective than it could have been. His style was to simply whack us when we got out of line. Along with it came a lot of anger and yelling, and the whole family got upset.
As was common when I was growing up, Dad approached discipline like he was taught in the military. His militaristic approach was not just with discipline but with parenting in general. He didn’t dare talk back to his drill sergeant, nor should we dare to talk back to him — or say anything. His drill sergeant hadn’t been concerned about his feelings, so why should he consider ours? He was a good man who worked hard to provide for his family. But his military training also shaped his style of parenting and discipline.
Today, parents are much more relational, and that’s mostly a good thing; however, when it comes to discipline, relational parenting can pose some obstacles if discipline is set aside. It’s hard to discipline someone who looks at you through tear-filled eyes and says, “I love you. How could you do this to me?” But for kids, if breaking a rule doesn’t have consequences that hurt worse than the pleasure they gained from it, they’ll likely continue that behavior.
Teens today both need and actually desire discipline (although most of them would rather die than admit it). Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful; later on however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” In other words, your kids will someday appreciate that you held the line, and more so if you did it in a way that maintained your relationship. And they’ll end up passing down to their kids (your grandkids) the right way to discipline. So, let me answer some basic questions about discipline and hopefully give you a better grasp on it, particularly when it comes to disciplining teens.
What is the purpose of discipline?
Discipline is helping your child get to a place where they want to be and keeping them from a place where they don’t want to end up. Sometimes we struggle with discipline because we lose sight of that underlying purpose. If your child understands that you are disciplining them for their own good, they will ultimately understand. They won’t like the consequences, and may get upset with you temporarily, but they will come to realize that they are bringing the consequences upon themselves, and that’s when their behavior changes.
I’m very upfront with the young people I work with at Heartlight about our rules and how things are going to be done. I know going in that most of these teens are not happy to be living with us in our residential program. So, from the very first day I strive to build a relationship—to let them know that everything that happens is for them, not for me. If I can convince them that the rules and punishments are in their best interests and for their own good, we’re a long way down the road to success. And to offset any thought that discipline is a quick and easy solution for us, our policy is that if the teen has to do extra chores or is grounded to the house, the staff are there right with them, shoulder to shoulder. It is as inconvenient and painful for us as it is for them. We use it as a time to build relationship, and we find that the kids often open up and deal with some issues in their life even as they are being disciplined.
Why do some parents punish in anger?
Kids want most of all to have a good relationship with their parents, so parents can get the wrong idea to use that as a means of punishment, but it is never advised. I’ve seen it firsthand when I was growing up. My father would correct us boys by blowing his top. Again, Dad was a good man, but his discipline in many ways was selfish. He felt better after exploding because he had a chance to get over his frustration, but because it was done in anger, it didn’t serve the purpose of helping me get to where I needed to go. It just taught me to avoid him and never get caught.
It is never effective to use negative emotions, to make idle threats, or to hold your relationship hostage as a means of changing your child’s behavior. I’ve learned it works best to try to do just the opposite with the teens I work with. I make light of their error and I use it as an opportunity to talk. It breaks the tension and they learn that their error doesn’t affect our relationship; but they also learn pretty quickly that I never back down on the consequences, no matter how much they bargain, shift blame or plead.
So, keep the anger out of your discipline. If you are harried or upset and cannot deal with a problem without anger at the moment, ask your spouse to deal with it; or tell your teen that you will talk about the consequences for their behavior at a later appointed time (then don’t forget to keep that appointment).
What do I do if I’m afraid to discipline my child?
This is really two different questions. First, if you’re afraid to discipline because you’re afraid of losing your relationship, let me encourage you—you won’t. Proper discipline won’t destroy a relationship, it will strengthen it. Here’s a piece of counsel I often give to parents: “They’ll get over it.” I’m not saying they will like the discipline process (nor should they), but they will not be driven away by it as long as it is fair, reasonable and expected.
On the other hand if you’re afraid to discipline because you’re afraid of your child or what they may do, I suggest you get outside help immediately. Do not allow your child to physically or emotionally intimidate or abuse you…ever. Backing down due to a teenager’s intimidation is teaching the exact wrong lesson, and it sets them up for failure in life and other relationships. If things get physical or threatening, something is seriously wrong. Sometimes it can be a sign that either drugs or alcohol is involved. If the threats take the form of a child claiming they’ll commit suicide, take it seriously and get them admitted to the hospital. If they threaten to run away, there’s ultimately not much you can do about that, so backing down will only cause them to use that as their intimidation again and again. A child should never be allowed to intimidate or threaten a parent.
How should I view pain in the context of discipline?
Pain is very difficult to experience, and it is also very difficult to impose on someone else. But pain plays a vital role in forcing someone to re-evaluate their conduct. As I’ve said, “Your child will continue on the path of inappropriate behavior until the pain of those actions is greater than the pain they get from them.” You have to attach consequences to that behavior so that they realize it isn’t the path to where they want to go. Of course I’m not talking about physical pain (not for teenagers), but there needs to be painful consequences tied to wrongful conduct, such as losing freedoms or privileges for a specified time, and adding chores.
What would other parents tell you about discipline, if they could do their parenting over?
Probably the number one error I hear from parents of teens who are spinning out of control is simply this: “I failed to follow through.” If you threaten consequences but don’t deliver, not only are you effectively lying to your child, but you are giving them the worst of both worlds. You may think you are building a relationship that way—to let them off the hook—but in reality you are tearing it down. They will lose respect for you, and they’ll fail to learn a critical lesson as well. In a world that has fewer borders than ever before, teens long for the stability and structure that enforced rules provide for their lives.
God has called us as parents to play a crucial role in the lives of our children. There are many wonderful and happy times in that process, and some difficult ones as well. If I could leave you with one last word of advice, I’d encourage you to view the discipline process as a vital investment rather than an unpleasant event to be avoided if possible. If done right and without anger, it can build relationship, not tear it down. Develop and communicate your rules and consequences so your teen knows what to expect, and then make them stick, without wavering. You—and your child—will be eternally glad you did.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our radio program last week called “Teens and Discipline.” To listen online, look for the program dated June 4, 2011 at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com.
Now I’m not saying we didn’t deserve it…in fact we probably deserved more than we got. But while there was indeed discipline, the style of discipline that we received from our father made it less effective than it could have been. His style was to simply whack us when we got out of line. Along with it came a lot of anger and yelling, and the whole family got upset.
As was common when I was growing up, Dad approached discipline like he was taught in the military. His militaristic approach was not just with discipline but with parenting in general. He didn’t dare talk back to his drill sergeant, nor should we dare to talk back to him — or say anything. His drill sergeant hadn’t been concerned about his feelings, so why should he consider ours? He was a good man who worked hard to provide for his family. But his military training also shaped his style of parenting and discipline.
Today, parents are much more relational, and that’s mostly a good thing; however, when it comes to discipline, relational parenting can pose some obstacles if discipline is set aside. It’s hard to discipline someone who looks at you through tear-filled eyes and says, “I love you. How could you do this to me?” But for kids, if breaking a rule doesn’t have consequences that hurt worse than the pleasure they gained from it, they’ll likely continue that behavior.
Teens today both need and actually desire discipline (although most of them would rather die than admit it). Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful; later on however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” In other words, your kids will someday appreciate that you held the line, and more so if you did it in a way that maintained your relationship. And they’ll end up passing down to their kids (your grandkids) the right way to discipline. So, let me answer some basic questions about discipline and hopefully give you a better grasp on it, particularly when it comes to disciplining teens.
What is the purpose of discipline?
Discipline is helping your child get to a place where they want to be and keeping them from a place where they don’t want to end up. Sometimes we struggle with discipline because we lose sight of that underlying purpose. If your child understands that you are disciplining them for their own good, they will ultimately understand. They won’t like the consequences, and may get upset with you temporarily, but they will come to realize that they are bringing the consequences upon themselves, and that’s when their behavior changes.
I’m very upfront with the young people I work with at Heartlight about our rules and how things are going to be done. I know going in that most of these teens are not happy to be living with us in our residential program. So, from the very first day I strive to build a relationship—to let them know that everything that happens is for them, not for me. If I can convince them that the rules and punishments are in their best interests and for their own good, we’re a long way down the road to success. And to offset any thought that discipline is a quick and easy solution for us, our policy is that if the teen has to do extra chores or is grounded to the house, the staff are there right with them, shoulder to shoulder. It is as inconvenient and painful for us as it is for them. We use it as a time to build relationship, and we find that the kids often open up and deal with some issues in their life even as they are being disciplined.
Why do some parents punish in anger?
Kids want most of all to have a good relationship with their parents, so parents can get the wrong idea to use that as a means of punishment, but it is never advised. I’ve seen it firsthand when I was growing up. My father would correct us boys by blowing his top. Again, Dad was a good man, but his discipline in many ways was selfish. He felt better after exploding because he had a chance to get over his frustration, but because it was done in anger, it didn’t serve the purpose of helping me get to where I needed to go. It just taught me to avoid him and never get caught.
It is never effective to use negative emotions, to make idle threats, or to hold your relationship hostage as a means of changing your child’s behavior. I’ve learned it works best to try to do just the opposite with the teens I work with. I make light of their error and I use it as an opportunity to talk. It breaks the tension and they learn that their error doesn’t affect our relationship; but they also learn pretty quickly that I never back down on the consequences, no matter how much they bargain, shift blame or plead.
So, keep the anger out of your discipline. If you are harried or upset and cannot deal with a problem without anger at the moment, ask your spouse to deal with it; or tell your teen that you will talk about the consequences for their behavior at a later appointed time (then don’t forget to keep that appointment).
What do I do if I’m afraid to discipline my child?
This is really two different questions. First, if you’re afraid to discipline because you’re afraid of losing your relationship, let me encourage you—you won’t. Proper discipline won’t destroy a relationship, it will strengthen it. Here’s a piece of counsel I often give to parents: “They’ll get over it.” I’m not saying they will like the discipline process (nor should they), but they will not be driven away by it as long as it is fair, reasonable and expected.
On the other hand if you’re afraid to discipline because you’re afraid of your child or what they may do, I suggest you get outside help immediately. Do not allow your child to physically or emotionally intimidate or abuse you…ever. Backing down due to a teenager’s intimidation is teaching the exact wrong lesson, and it sets them up for failure in life and other relationships. If things get physical or threatening, something is seriously wrong. Sometimes it can be a sign that either drugs or alcohol is involved. If the threats take the form of a child claiming they’ll commit suicide, take it seriously and get them admitted to the hospital. If they threaten to run away, there’s ultimately not much you can do about that, so backing down will only cause them to use that as their intimidation again and again. A child should never be allowed to intimidate or threaten a parent.
How should I view pain in the context of discipline?
Pain is very difficult to experience, and it is also very difficult to impose on someone else. But pain plays a vital role in forcing someone to re-evaluate their conduct. As I’ve said, “Your child will continue on the path of inappropriate behavior until the pain of those actions is greater than the pain they get from them.” You have to attach consequences to that behavior so that they realize it isn’t the path to where they want to go. Of course I’m not talking about physical pain (not for teenagers), but there needs to be painful consequences tied to wrongful conduct, such as losing freedoms or privileges for a specified time, and adding chores.
What would other parents tell you about discipline, if they could do their parenting over?
Probably the number one error I hear from parents of teens who are spinning out of control is simply this: “I failed to follow through.” If you threaten consequences but don’t deliver, not only are you effectively lying to your child, but you are giving them the worst of both worlds. You may think you are building a relationship that way—to let them off the hook—but in reality you are tearing it down. They will lose respect for you, and they’ll fail to learn a critical lesson as well. In a world that has fewer borders than ever before, teens long for the stability and structure that enforced rules provide for their lives.
God has called us as parents to play a crucial role in the lives of our children. There are many wonderful and happy times in that process, and some difficult ones as well. If I could leave you with one last word of advice, I’d encourage you to view the discipline process as a vital investment rather than an unpleasant event to be avoided if possible. If done right and without anger, it can build relationship, not tear it down. Develop and communicate your rules and consequences so your teen knows what to expect, and then make them stick, without wavering. You—and your child—will be eternally glad you did.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our radio program last week called “Teens and Discipline.” To listen online, look for the program dated June 4, 2011 at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Help Kids Express Their Feelings Before and After Your Divorce
Help Kids Express Their Feelings Before and After Your Divorce
This is a valuable article for parents written by Len Stauffenger. While you may already be familiar with many of these strategies for promoting a Child-Centered Divorce, there may be a few you have not yet implemented. The age of your child and nature of your relationship with them will obviously dictate which approaches are best within your family. If you find yourself especially successful using any of these techniques, do contact me so I can share what you discovered with our other readers. Best wishes! Rosalind.
You've gotten a divorce. It might feel like the end of the world for you, but you do have all the years of your life where you learned a few coping skills to lean back on. Your children don't have those years of experience, and your divorce may be seen as one huge trauma by them. Life isn't as they have experienced it. One of their parents is gone from their daily life.
They will eventually learn to cope, and here are some tips for you to use immediately to help them get their feelings outside of their minds so the coping can begin.
1. Initiate Play With Them. Children love to play and in their games, they can be encouraged via your questions to tell you how they are feeling. Be considerate and accepting. Don't try to audit or correct their words. Just listen.
2. Do Artwork Together. If you provide your child with crayons, paper, paste and other materials, you can do an art project with the theme: Mommy and Daddy's Divorce and (child's name) Role in It. Ask gentle questions and listen up for their answers. Frequently their feeling is hiding behind their words.
3. Talk About It. This works best for older children. You can ask a very leading open-ended question - one that cannot be answered by Yes or No - and then let the child do the talking. You listen and ask more questions. Don't interject your opinion unless he asks a specific question only you can answer.
4. Read Books Together. Find books appropriate for your child's age about divorce and ask questions about his feelings as you read the book together.
5. Name Your Own Feelings. Your child might not know yet how to express the feeling that he is feeling about your divorce. You can share how it makes you feel and this way, he'll learn to identify his own feelings.
6. Good and Bad Ways To Deal With Feelings. Find family-type magazines and look through them together with your child to discuss the pictures that exemplify feelings. Point them out to him and ask if he's ever felt that way about your divorce.
7. Write A Story Together. Allow him to tell the story as he does for sharings at school. He dictates. You write, with mouth zipped. Just write. Later you can go back and ask questions about the feelings he talked about. You can ask where he felt the feeling in his body and how did it feel there?
8. Create a Puppet Show. You can each play a role, but let him choose which role he wants to play. That alone could tell you a lot. You be the other parent and ask questions about his feelings as you play.
9. Make A Scrapbook About the Divorce. This is a bit dramatic, but it just might be effective for some children. You can sit and watch as he does it, or you can just be in the same room for emotional support. When he's done, say "Tell me about your drawing." Ask feeling questions when he tells you about it.
10. Show Empathy for his plight. Children have lost a lot of control because their parents decided to divorce. You can tell him you realize he might not have made the same decision. If you offer him choices about daily doings once the divorce decision has been made, you can help him regain a sense of control.
11. Physical Activity. This is a great way to let kids run off pent up emotions. Physical activity will allow them to get rid of any tension they might be feeling and once that's let go of, they will be much better able to cope with the next thing that lands in their laps.
12. Provide Continuity. Divorce is an enormous change for a child and children don't like change. If you can keep his room the same; mealtime the same; household routine the same; homework time the same - whatever you can do to maintain continuity, it will help your child unfold his coping skills and handle his emotions so much better.
Your children come first and they are worth every effort you can make for their best regard. They will learn soon enough that your divorce is not the end of the world for them and that you've made every effort to provide the best for them.
* * *
In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
This is a valuable article for parents written by Len Stauffenger. While you may already be familiar with many of these strategies for promoting a Child-Centered Divorce, there may be a few you have not yet implemented. The age of your child and nature of your relationship with them will obviously dictate which approaches are best within your family. If you find yourself especially successful using any of these techniques, do contact me so I can share what you discovered with our other readers. Best wishes! Rosalind.
You've gotten a divorce. It might feel like the end of the world for you, but you do have all the years of your life where you learned a few coping skills to lean back on. Your children don't have those years of experience, and your divorce may be seen as one huge trauma by them. Life isn't as they have experienced it. One of their parents is gone from their daily life.
They will eventually learn to cope, and here are some tips for you to use immediately to help them get their feelings outside of their minds so the coping can begin.
1. Initiate Play With Them. Children love to play and in their games, they can be encouraged via your questions to tell you how they are feeling. Be considerate and accepting. Don't try to audit or correct their words. Just listen.
2. Do Artwork Together. If you provide your child with crayons, paper, paste and other materials, you can do an art project with the theme: Mommy and Daddy's Divorce and (child's name) Role in It. Ask gentle questions and listen up for their answers. Frequently their feeling is hiding behind their words.
3. Talk About It. This works best for older children. You can ask a very leading open-ended question - one that cannot be answered by Yes or No - and then let the child do the talking. You listen and ask more questions. Don't interject your opinion unless he asks a specific question only you can answer.
4. Read Books Together. Find books appropriate for your child's age about divorce and ask questions about his feelings as you read the book together.
5. Name Your Own Feelings. Your child might not know yet how to express the feeling that he is feeling about your divorce. You can share how it makes you feel and this way, he'll learn to identify his own feelings.
6. Good and Bad Ways To Deal With Feelings. Find family-type magazines and look through them together with your child to discuss the pictures that exemplify feelings. Point them out to him and ask if he's ever felt that way about your divorce.
7. Write A Story Together. Allow him to tell the story as he does for sharings at school. He dictates. You write, with mouth zipped. Just write. Later you can go back and ask questions about the feelings he talked about. You can ask where he felt the feeling in his body and how did it feel there?
8. Create a Puppet Show. You can each play a role, but let him choose which role he wants to play. That alone could tell you a lot. You be the other parent and ask questions about his feelings as you play.
9. Make A Scrapbook About the Divorce. This is a bit dramatic, but it just might be effective for some children. You can sit and watch as he does it, or you can just be in the same room for emotional support. When he's done, say "Tell me about your drawing." Ask feeling questions when he tells you about it.
10. Show Empathy for his plight. Children have lost a lot of control because their parents decided to divorce. You can tell him you realize he might not have made the same decision. If you offer him choices about daily doings once the divorce decision has been made, you can help him regain a sense of control.
11. Physical Activity. This is a great way to let kids run off pent up emotions. Physical activity will allow them to get rid of any tension they might be feeling and once that's let go of, they will be much better able to cope with the next thing that lands in their laps.
12. Provide Continuity. Divorce is an enormous change for a child and children don't like change. If you can keep his room the same; mealtime the same; household routine the same; homework time the same - whatever you can do to maintain continuity, it will help your child unfold his coping skills and handle his emotions so much better.
Your children come first and they are worth every effort you can make for their best regard. They will learn soon enough that your divorce is not the end of the world for them and that you've made every effort to provide the best for them.
* * *
In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Monday, June 6, 2011
5th Natl Child-Centered Divorce Month recognized in July
The fifth annual recognition of National Child-Centered Divorce Month will take place in July throughout North America. The month is dedicated to alerting parents and the media about how we can minimize the negative effects of divorce on children.
Professionals who share these concerns, including therapists, attorneys, mediators, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and others will be joining forces to share their advice and insights The resounding message to divorcing parents is: Regardless of your own emotional state, it is essential to put your children's needs first when making decisions related to divorce or separation.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce
Professionals who share these concerns, including therapists, attorneys, mediators, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and others will be joining forces to share their advice and insights The resounding message to divorcing parents is: Regardless of your own emotional state, it is essential to put your children's needs first when making decisions related to divorce or separation.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce
Thursday, June 2, 2011
A Child's Perspective on Surviving their Parent's Divorce
A Child's Perspective on Surviving their Parent's Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Max Sindell is a young man in his early twenties who has written a book for children titled, The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents' Divorce. Sindell was six when his parents divorced.
Over the next many years he experienced a wide array of significant divorce issues that affect so many families. These include coping with his parents' arguments with and about one another, adjusting to travel between homes, remarriage, stepsiblings and juggling holidays and other special events. He wrote the book to help children identify their "voice" about all these issues. He also wants to show children ways to find the good that can come through and from divorce.
"The book is really supposed to be a quick handbook for making the most out of divorce and making it so that it's the least of your problems," Sindell says.
Sindell uses his own life lessons to walk children through the "downsides" of divorce, and focuses on ways to best handle them. In his chapter titled, "The Good News and the Bed News," he says "I'd honestly say that my parents' divorce is one of the best things to ever happen to me in my entire life: That's the good news." "On the other hand, divorce can make you wake up one morning realizing how much everything sucks," he also adds.
Other topics he discusses include: "You Are Never Going to Have One Home Again" and "Your Parents Are Going to Fight." But within each discussion he also provides positive observations, such as learning how to travel at a young age and developing more independence.
Within the book Sindell offers his personal Bill of Rights for divorced children. These are worth discussing with your children. It reminds them that they are not alone in what they are going through. And is empowers them to learn that they deserve and are entitled to "rights" as they move through and beyond the divorce. Let me share the first five with you, which Sindell says children should actually require to be part of their parents' divorce agreement.
THE DIVORCED KIDS' BILL OF RIGHTS
(Excerpt from The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents' Divorce)
I. The Right to Be Safe and Feel Safe - A child should feel safe and secure. If there ever is a time you don't feel safe, tell your parents, and if you can't tell them, tell a counselor or tell a friend. This is your most important right.
II. The Right to Awareness - Every child has a right to know what is going on. Your parents should not lie to you or hide the truth from you about anything to do with you. While some things should remain private between your parents until you are older, if they're having a discussion about your schedule, you have the right to know and to make your voice heard.
III. The Right to Counseling - Divorce can make you feel like you don't have a say and don't make a difference, and that's exactly where a counselor comes in. A counselor should be someone whom you can talk to privately, without your parents there, and who can help you with your situation.
School counselors are not the only people you can talk to. Adult friends of the family who are unbiased, or the parents of good friends of yours, are also good people to talk to.
IV. The Right to Be Heard - Sometimes, when your parents are trying to sort out what they think is best for you, they can forget to listen to the most important person: You! If you can't get them to listen to you by yourself, it's important to have someone -- a counselor or a friend -- talk for you.
V. The Right to Be Your Own Person - Before your parents were divorced, there was you, your mom, your dad, and the other people in your family. The same is true now. Your parents have to respect your right to feel the way you feel. In dealing with stepparents, or the people your parents are dating, your rights stand. You must tell both your parents and their friends when any boundaries are crossed. If those boundaries are crossed in a major way, and you don't feel safe, tell a counselor.
Put yourself in your child's shoes and give these Rights some serious consideration before making any further decisions affecting your children. Talk to your children about what this means. It might open the door to some very meaningful conversations about topics you've never before discussed. Empowered children are happier children -- less resentful and less likely to act out to get your attention. Isn't that what you really want?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Max Sindell is a young man in his early twenties who has written a book for children titled, The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents' Divorce. Sindell was six when his parents divorced.
Over the next many years he experienced a wide array of significant divorce issues that affect so many families. These include coping with his parents' arguments with and about one another, adjusting to travel between homes, remarriage, stepsiblings and juggling holidays and other special events. He wrote the book to help children identify their "voice" about all these issues. He also wants to show children ways to find the good that can come through and from divorce.
"The book is really supposed to be a quick handbook for making the most out of divorce and making it so that it's the least of your problems," Sindell says.
Sindell uses his own life lessons to walk children through the "downsides" of divorce, and focuses on ways to best handle them. In his chapter titled, "The Good News and the Bed News," he says "I'd honestly say that my parents' divorce is one of the best things to ever happen to me in my entire life: That's the good news." "On the other hand, divorce can make you wake up one morning realizing how much everything sucks," he also adds.
Other topics he discusses include: "You Are Never Going to Have One Home Again" and "Your Parents Are Going to Fight." But within each discussion he also provides positive observations, such as learning how to travel at a young age and developing more independence.
Within the book Sindell offers his personal Bill of Rights for divorced children. These are worth discussing with your children. It reminds them that they are not alone in what they are going through. And is empowers them to learn that they deserve and are entitled to "rights" as they move through and beyond the divorce. Let me share the first five with you, which Sindell says children should actually require to be part of their parents' divorce agreement.
THE DIVORCED KIDS' BILL OF RIGHTS
(Excerpt from The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents' Divorce)
I. The Right to Be Safe and Feel Safe - A child should feel safe and secure. If there ever is a time you don't feel safe, tell your parents, and if you can't tell them, tell a counselor or tell a friend. This is your most important right.
II. The Right to Awareness - Every child has a right to know what is going on. Your parents should not lie to you or hide the truth from you about anything to do with you. While some things should remain private between your parents until you are older, if they're having a discussion about your schedule, you have the right to know and to make your voice heard.
III. The Right to Counseling - Divorce can make you feel like you don't have a say and don't make a difference, and that's exactly where a counselor comes in. A counselor should be someone whom you can talk to privately, without your parents there, and who can help you with your situation.
School counselors are not the only people you can talk to. Adult friends of the family who are unbiased, or the parents of good friends of yours, are also good people to talk to.
IV. The Right to Be Heard - Sometimes, when your parents are trying to sort out what they think is best for you, they can forget to listen to the most important person: You! If you can't get them to listen to you by yourself, it's important to have someone -- a counselor or a friend -- talk for you.
V. The Right to Be Your Own Person - Before your parents were divorced, there was you, your mom, your dad, and the other people in your family. The same is true now. Your parents have to respect your right to feel the way you feel. In dealing with stepparents, or the people your parents are dating, your rights stand. You must tell both your parents and their friends when any boundaries are crossed. If those boundaries are crossed in a major way, and you don't feel safe, tell a counselor.
Put yourself in your child's shoes and give these Rights some serious consideration before making any further decisions affecting your children. Talk to your children about what this means. It might open the door to some very meaningful conversations about topics you've never before discussed. Empowered children are happier children -- less resentful and less likely to act out to get your attention. Isn't that what you really want?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
ChildSharing, Inc. is growing…additional location, new classes, and increase in sales.
ChildSharing Inc. is an online provider offering co-parenting classes, a host of resource tools for parents, and aid to family courts around the country in an effort to better equip families as they deal with issues related to raising children between multiple homes.
San Luis Obispo, CA – ChildSharing, Inc is growing in all aspects of business: expanding offices, adding new classes, and strengthening relationships with customers and counties thru their marketing programs. All of this growth and expansion has resulted in a 30% annual growth rate since inception. Michelle Muncy, Marketing Planner, believes the growth is a result of outstanding customer service and class offerings, “We read our survey results and constantly update our classes to reflect changes in the county family court system in regards to parenting and divorce which adds to our viability.” reflects Michelle Muncy, “Our classes are totally online, timed, and feature interactive programs (videos, quizzes, exams). We offer extended customer service, discounts and classes for free to indigent persons.
The office and staff has grown fourfold with locations in California, Colorado, a corporate office headquartered in Nevada, and now the new Atlanta, Georgia, office.“ChildSharing, Inc. is thrilled to be in Atlanta. With our growing success among counties across the United States, it was an easy decision to open up an office in the East Coast,” states Hector Libs, Director of Professional Services. “The expansion of our business will enable ChildSharing, Inc. to remain on the cutting edge of our industry delving into other market areas while maintaining our reputation for stellar customer service.”
The new programs are expanded six and eight hour versions of the original programs, “Parenting During Divorce-The Challenge of Change” and “Co-Parenting-Fundamentals of Raising Children Between Multiple Homes”. The programs includes videos, quizzes and life applications which serve as an alternative for parents who are mandated to take a parenting class to obtain a final decree or for those that are seeking to increase positive communication and parenting skills. The latest class added to this menagerie would be an anger management class, “Co-Parenting: Anger Management”. This brand new class deals with anger conflicts stemming from parenting issues. ChildSharing, Inc. offers all these classes in Spanish as well.
“Expanding these programs serves two main purposes,” explains Hector Libs, Director of Professional Services, “the expanded content delves deeper into crucial areas of parenting during divorce and co-parenting, and we are better able to serve the needs of our customers by allowing them to choose the program that best suits the court ordered requirements for the county they reside in.”
Founded in 2008, ChildSharing, Inc. is dedicated to advancing the field of child-sharing as a means of better educating families faced with raising children between two homes. Guided by a strong development team, ChildSharing, Inc. works with experts throughout the United States to provide its members with the most comprehensive information and resources for educating and raising children between multiple homes. For more information about ChildSharing, Inc and its team of experts, visit http://www.ChildSharing.com.
San Luis Obispo, CA – ChildSharing, Inc is growing in all aspects of business: expanding offices, adding new classes, and strengthening relationships with customers and counties thru their marketing programs. All of this growth and expansion has resulted in a 30% annual growth rate since inception. Michelle Muncy, Marketing Planner, believes the growth is a result of outstanding customer service and class offerings, “We read our survey results and constantly update our classes to reflect changes in the county family court system in regards to parenting and divorce which adds to our viability.” reflects Michelle Muncy, “Our classes are totally online, timed, and feature interactive programs (videos, quizzes, exams). We offer extended customer service, discounts and classes for free to indigent persons.
The office and staff has grown fourfold with locations in California, Colorado, a corporate office headquartered in Nevada, and now the new Atlanta, Georgia, office.“ChildSharing, Inc. is thrilled to be in Atlanta. With our growing success among counties across the United States, it was an easy decision to open up an office in the East Coast,” states Hector Libs, Director of Professional Services. “The expansion of our business will enable ChildSharing, Inc. to remain on the cutting edge of our industry delving into other market areas while maintaining our reputation for stellar customer service.”
The new programs are expanded six and eight hour versions of the original programs, “Parenting During Divorce-The Challenge of Change” and “Co-Parenting-Fundamentals of Raising Children Between Multiple Homes”. The programs includes videos, quizzes and life applications which serve as an alternative for parents who are mandated to take a parenting class to obtain a final decree or for those that are seeking to increase positive communication and parenting skills. The latest class added to this menagerie would be an anger management class, “Co-Parenting: Anger Management”. This brand new class deals with anger conflicts stemming from parenting issues. ChildSharing, Inc. offers all these classes in Spanish as well.
“Expanding these programs serves two main purposes,” explains Hector Libs, Director of Professional Services, “the expanded content delves deeper into crucial areas of parenting during divorce and co-parenting, and we are better able to serve the needs of our customers by allowing them to choose the program that best suits the court ordered requirements for the county they reside in.”
Founded in 2008, ChildSharing, Inc. is dedicated to advancing the field of child-sharing as a means of better educating families faced with raising children between two homes. Guided by a strong development team, ChildSharing, Inc. works with experts throughout the United States to provide its members with the most comprehensive information and resources for educating and raising children between multiple homes. For more information about ChildSharing, Inc and its team of experts, visit http://www.ChildSharing.com.
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