Child-Centered Divorce: Is there a "gift" in your divorce? Is there a "gift" in your divorce? Find it and you will flourish!

Child-Centered Divorce: Is there a "gift" in your divorce?
Is there a "gift" in your divorce? Find it and you will flourish!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

When we are in the midst of life trauma it is very difficult to
experience anything but the pain, disappointment, hurt and anguish
related to that experience. That's only natural. But very often,
looking back in hindsight, we can find meaning, relevance, valuable
lessons and insights that were the direct result of those major
life challenges. Without that life-altering event we would not
become the successes we are today.

Many people look upon that result as the "gift" they received from
the experience - the wisdom they gleaned, the turning point they
needed to move on to a new chapter in their lives. They look back
and can say the lesson was tough, but they don't regret it in the
least.

I believe divorce can be looked upon as one of those "gifts" and
life lessons if we choose to look for the reward. What did you
learn as a result of this experience? Who are you today that you
would not have been had you not divorced? Do you see inner wisdom
or strength that makes you proud? Have you made decisions that are
more supportive of your life and values? Do you like yourself
better? Have you found new career directions or new meaning in life
as a direct result of your divorce?

If you can't yet answer yes to any of these questions, give
yourself time. Perhaps you have not fully moved through the inner
and outer transitions resulting from your divorce. Perhaps you are
still holding on to resentment, anger, jealousy or other negative
emotions that are keeping you from experiencing the freedom from
old programming and patterns.

I believe there is a gift in every tough experience in our lives -
if we choose to see it. And why shouldn't we put our energy in that
direction? What good does it do to hold on to a past that has
slipped away - or to people who are not giving us the love and
support we deserve? When we let go of the past, we open the door to
a new future - and only then can we empower ourselves to create
that future as a much better outcome for ourselves and those we love.

Shelley Stile is a professionally trained Life Coach
(http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=L30NJb5mNUZMxH&b=DV5U6GqGCUheWTql2nqIBQ) specializing in divorce issues.
She has written about this topic and her advice is worth sharing
with you:

"Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are
(warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has
survived divorce and has gone on to create a vibrant life based
upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you
that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That
may not be true for you but there is a gift waiting for you to
find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career
and to a certain extent he has played a part. Oftentimes it takes a
good whack on the head to awaken us to life's possibilities and our
own happiness.

It's the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true.
Search for the gifts of your divorce and it becomes yet another
step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of divorce.

Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower,
the work that has taken place underneath the surface of the ground,
invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that
subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the
flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root
system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you will
ultimately see the outer rewards."

Don't be afraid to go within and plant the seeds for the tomorrow
you dream about. With love, patience and gratitude I know your
garden will ultimately grow and flourish!

* * * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for
customizing a personal family storybook that guides children
through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more
information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine
visit http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=L30NJb5mNUZMxH&b=ph_0ZOqrnZDnB6znFwjg5Q.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

Child-Centered Divorce: 3 Big Lies Women Believe about Divorced Dads Three big lies women believe about divorced Dads.

Child-Centered Divorce: 3 Big Lies Women Believe about Divorced Dads
Three big lies women believe about divorced Dads.
Do you know the truth?

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Many children grow up as adults and find they are duped into
believing negative things about one parent or another as a
consequence of a divorce. Our society, legal system and gender
biases all play a role in creating negative stereotypes connected
to divorced women and men. Men are especially liable to some
sweeping generalizations regarding post-divorce behaviors. Whether
they are based on anecdotal stories passed among family members,
popular movies or sensational celebrity headlines in recent years,
men are often portrayed as the aggressors and winners when it comes
to divorce. Here are some common mistruths that deserve clarity and
further exploration.

1. The husband usually initiates the divorce.

In today's culture women are finally free - both emotionally and
economically - to take the reigns and ask for a divorce. They may
feel unfulfilled or unappreciated in their marriage, emotionally or
physically abused, exploited or disrespected. They may discover
that their husband has been unfaithful - or they themselves may
have entered into sexual affairs as an outlet for frustration or a
variety of incompatibilities. Regardless of the cause, men are not
the exclusive initiators of divorce and should not bear the blame
as a gender. Often it is the husband who is the last to know that
his wife wants out.

2. Most divorced fathers do not make their child support payments.

While some fathers abuse their responsibilities in this regard -
and the courts are filled with such cases - the majority of
divorced Dads feel deeply concerned about the well-being of their
children and want to support their families in every possible way.
They also want to remain actively involved in their children's
lives. Like Moms, Dads love their children and are hurt if the
connections with them are cut off. This is especially painful if a
vindictive mother is trying to get back at Dad through the kids. In
these cases it's the children who are ultimately hurt the most.
Another related untruth is that most fathers are far better off
financially after a divorce. As in all things, it depends on the
parties and circumstances involved.

3. Only rarely does a mother try to keep the father from seeing his
children.

Unfortunately this is more common than most people believe. In
recent years the situation has been given a name and is finally
being recognized as an injustice to children of divorce. Parental
Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a problem initiated by both genders.
However, more women use this emotional and psychological weapon
against their former husbands because they can. What they don't
understand is that they are deeply wounding their children through
this alienation and ultimately, when the kids are grown, quite
often they are resentful at the parent that created the separation.
No good can come from this tactic for anyone in the family.
Regardless of how angry and upset you might be at your ex, do not
use the children as pawns or punishment to derive your own
satisfaction.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author How Do I Tell the Kids ... about
the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children
-- with Love! The new ebook provides expert advice that helps
parents create a unique personal family storybook with
fill-in-the-blank templates.

Wishing you much joy and happiness through the holidays and throughout the New Year ahead!

Wishing you much joy and happiness
through the holidays and throughout
the New Year ahead!

Most sincerely,
Rosalind Sedacca
The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce

If you're facing the challenge of being alone in the days ahead I hope this message will be a source of hope and inspiration for reframing your perspectives.

Being Alone During the Holidays Can Be Tough For Divorced Parents

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

One of the saddest consequences of divorce for parents is the alone-time when your children are visiting their other parent. While short-term periods when the kids are away can be a welcome respite for an overscheduled single parent, for other parents the intervals between seeing the children can be long and lonely. The holiday season can be a particularly challenging time, especially when friends and neighbors are busy with their own family gatherings.

It's really important for parents who are alone during the winter holidays to get creative and absorbed in activities that you find personally fulfilling. This can also be an opportunity to reflect on meeting your own needs and finding friends and activities that bring joy into your life.

One of the greatest challenges for divorced parents is avoiding self-pity. Overwhelmed by a sense of isolation, or feeling undervalued as a parent, can often result in making poor choices when communicating with your children. It's not difficult to bury your hurt in comments designed to make your children feel guilty about not being with you, despite the fact that most times those decisions are not really within their control.

Turning toward your support group of friends can be really helpful when these feelings arise. Seeking out a counselor or divorce coach can also provide advice and new resources for creating alternative holiday traditions.

Here are some other ways you can stay in the lives of your children despite the distance between you.

• Create a Journal of holiday activities that you can later share with the kids. This might take the form of a travelogue of places you've explored, people you've visited, movies you saw and other activities participated in. You can even bring home a souvenir from each place as something to show and talk about with the kids on their next visit, such as paper restaurant menus, movie ticket stubs, tee shirts, colorful brochures, post-cards, hats, pens, etc.
• Send an email or text message "of the day" to the kids with a theme: such as the Staying Warm Tip of the Day, favorite Candy Bar of the Day, Sledding Tip of the Day, Favorite Frozen Yogurt Flavor of the Day - just to keep in touch.
• Join a toy or food distribution drive over the holidays to help needy children in your community so you feel valued while interacting with and bringing joy to other children
• Make plans to see the same movie as your kids on the same day and then schedule a call to discuss the movie together and share the experience in your own way

Be creative. Think out of the box in healthy ways and your children will appreciate you without guilt, sadness or shame. This is one of the greatest gifts any parent can give to their children - the gift of enjoying their childhood without the burden of parental divorce issues weighing them down.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca

Domestic Violence Dramatically Influences Children - Emotional Abuse, too!

Domestic Violence Dramatically Influences Children - Emotional Abuse, too!
John Lindenberger, a reporter for the North Platte Telegraph in Nebraska, has a sad tale to tell.
It's based on a very sobering message: When children are exposed to domestic violence in the home, they often mimic the behavior they see.

In a nutshell, writes Lindenberger, "This means the boys often grow up to become abusers, and the girls grow up to marry them."

He quotes Jeanie Gilbert, executive director of the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program in North Platte who has been working with victims of domestic violence for 12 years. "Domestic violence is a learned behavior," says Gilbert. She explains that "children in these situations become desensitized to the violence, and they often begin to mimic their gender role at a young age." While this is not always the case, she said it is true the majority of the time.

This article was written as a result of a murder trial in the region. Lindenberger notes that the accused was characterized as a teenager locked into a cycle of abuse who saw her mother battered by two men and later became involved in an abusive relationship herself with a man.

The reporter notes that "in the 2003-04 fiscal year, nearly 2,400 children and youth came to Nebraska's network of domestic violence and sexual assault programs. More than 1,300 stayed in a shelter with their mothers to escape violence in the home." It is very likely that similar statistics are a reality in municipalities throughout the United States and other nations around the world.

According to Gilbert, when children witness domestic violence happening in their home, they experience a wide range of emotions, including fear. She said the children become afraid for their mother as well as themselves.

Lindenberger' article goes on to explain that "This fear can become crippling and leave a child with feelings of helplessness and despair." In addition, according to Gilbert, children often feel guilty and perhaps even responsible for the violence.

"Any child, even in divorce, will take on some of the responsibility," Gilbert added.

To avoid their feelings of helplessness, Gilbert said children will often retreat. She noted they sometimes try to hide when the violence occurs or listen to music so they don't have to listen to the fighting.

Children who live with domestic violence also have trouble in school, notes Gilbert. Although school feels like a safe place for these children, they become distracted as they worry about their mother.

Gilbert said domestic violence is not always physical. Verbal or emotional abuse in a relationship can be just as bad. In fact, victims often tell Gilbert that emotional abuse is worse than physical.

In order to break the cycle of domestic violence, children often need lots of counseling and exposure to positive role models. Gilbert said these children need to learn what a positive relationship looks like.

In some cases, children are able to break the cycle on their own when they become adults. However, most need some type of help. Gilbert notes that they can get that help through facilities like the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program of North Platte which offers a 24-hour crisis phone line, emergency shelter and support groups for women and children.

If you are in any way being affected by domestic violence or emotional abuse, don't hesitate to seek out help within your community. And be sure to make counseling available to your children, as well. The sooner you get a handle on this type of dysfunctional behavior within your family structure, the better for both you and your children. Help is out there. You can start by doing a community search on the Internet under the keywords, Domestic Violence or Domestic Abuse.

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All Rights Reserved


8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Child-Centered Divorce: Significant Advice from Noted Attorney

Child-Centered Divorce: Significant Advice from Noted Attorney
Significant Advice from Karen Covy, author of "When Happily Ever
After Ends: How to Survive Your Divorce- Emotionally, Financially
and Legally"

Think that hiring a high-profile divorce lawyer is the best way to
get through the process? Chicago author and family attorney Karen
Covy takes the global view about the necessary ingredients to get
you through your divorce with the least amount of damage, for now
and in the future:
· Karma (what goes around comes around);
· Taking responsibility for yourself and your divorce
· Control (controlling your own emotions and not trying to
control your spouse)
· Using common sense in a divorce proceeding: What is best for
the kids? (caring negotiating regarding the holidays and
visitation in a divorce situation).

Karen shares her advice with ...

Ten Things You Should Never Do in Your Divorce -- some of which may
surprise you!

1. Never put your children in the middle of your divorce. It is not
your children's job to relay messages to your spouse, drop off your
child support check, or deal with your spouse simply because you
don't want to do it yourself.

2. Never do anything that will harm your children's relationship
with your spouse. Children love their parents. Bad-mouthing your
spouse, treating your spouse badly in front of the children or
purposely doing things to screw up your spouse's time with the
children doesn't just hurt your spouse. It hurts your kids. Don't
do it.

3. Never purposely destroy your property or your spouse's property
during the divorce. You might think you will feel better if you
slice up your spouse' clothing, destroy your spouse's family
photos, or ruin whatever it is that your spouse holds dear, but you
won't feel nearly as good about it when the judge in your case
orders you to pay for the things you destroyed.

4. Never purposely do anything just to inflict pain on your spouse.
In the heat of the moment you might think that making your spouse
miserable will make you feel better. For a short time, maybe it
even will. But what goes around, comes around. If you do something
mean and terrible to your spouse, just to make your spouse
miserable, someday, somehow, it will come back to you.

5. Never cancel your spouse's health insurance. If your spouse gets
hit by a truck while you're still married, who do you think is
going to be responsible for paying the bill? (Hint: It's not going
to be your spouse.)

6. Never quit your job just so you don't have to pay child support,
or so that your spouse has to pay to support you. Again, it sounds
good in theory, but don't be surprised if a judge isn't sympathetic
to your situation and orders you to go back to work and to pay your
spouse what you should have been paying in child support all along,
or refuses to order your spouse to pay to support you when you are
perfectly capable of supporting yourself.

7. Never take your children and move out of state, vacation out of
the country, or simply run away with them, without telling your
spouse. If you know your spouse (or your ex-spouse) is going to
object to your moving to Alaska with the children, don't think that
you can do it anyway, and as long as your spouse doesn't stop you
in advance, you'll get away with it. The quickest way to lose
custody of your children is to deprive your spouse of time with them.

8. Never stalk your spouse, break into your ex's house, or tamper
with the mail. A crime is a crime. If you commit a crime, you are
going to jail. There is no such thing as a "not guilty by reason of
insanity due to a divorce" defense.

9. Never intentionally blow off a court order. Your spouse might be
willing to put up with your excuses, avoidance activities, and bad
behavior, but a judge won't be so forgiving. If the judge has
ordered you to do something: do it. If you don't like the judge's
order, talk to your lawyer about finding a way to change it. But,
whatever you do, don't just blow off the court order because you
don't agree with what it says.

10. Never be afraid to let your spouse take credit for what you've
done. If you are married to the kind of spouse who needs to be in
control -- someone who needs to be "right" or needs to be a big
shot, and you come up with a way to settle your case, but your
spouse won't buy it because its your idea, then let your spouse
think the settlement was his or her idea. As long as you've got a
settlement that works, one in which your needs, and your children's
needs are being met, who cares who created that settlement? What's
important is getting what you need. Getting credit for getting what
you need doesn't matter.

Karen A. Covy, J.D., received her law degree magna cum laude from
the University of Notre Dame Law School. Since opening her own
Chicago practice in 1995, Covy focuses on family law, including
divorce, custody and parenting. Covy dedicates herself -- and her
practice -- to helping hundreds survive divorce and walk away with
grace.
* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for
customizing a personal family storybook that guides children
through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free
articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free
ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Should Divorced Dads Get Equal Custody? Let the Battle Begin ...

Should Divorced Dads Get Equal Custody? Let the Battle Begin ...
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

More than ever before, divorce is making news. Much of it is due to changing legislation in many nations and several states within the U.S. regarding issues such as custody. In the past five years there have also been major shifts in our perceptions about divorce and the emergence of new alternatives that can simplify and reduce the time and cost involved in divorce proceedings. Consequently society is talking more and caring more about divorce than ever before in history.

This, I believe, is very good because with discussion comes awareness of the many complex challenges that surround divorce. This includes the many weaknesses and inequities in our divorce-related legal systems and the long-term consequences of poor decision-making as couples attempt to transition through the divorce maze.
Parade Magazine, a large publication that comes with Sunday newspaper supplements in many large cities around the U.S., sponsored a national poll. The question they asked was this: Should divorced dads get equal custody?

63% of their responses were YES and 37% were NO. Here are some quotes reflective of the responses.

On the YES side were comments such as "Just as women should get equal pay, dads should get equal custody. The 14th Amendment requires that people be treated equally, regardless of sex." Another YES response was "Children are more likely to thrive if they have access to both parents."

On the NO side was this comment, "It's too stressful for kids to be split between two homes. They need a constant, stable environment." Another NO quote said, "Each parent should maintain the role he or she had before the divorce. Usually, that means more time with Mom."

I wish there was a simple YES or NO answer to this question, but in my opinion, there isn't. Every family and every situation is unique. Trying to make such an enormously complicated issue as custody into a black and white/right or wrong answer is absurd. Now is the time to heighten our awareness about the enormous emotional and psychological effects of all custody decisions upon our children - not come up with simplistic one-size-fits-all legislation.

It's impossible to compare two families with different numbers of children of different ages and sexes living in different parts of any nation. Then add to the mix parents with different levels of emotional and educational involvement with their children, differing cultural and spiritual philosophies, and different levels of career commitment, financial security and child-care support. What you get is infinite diversity with no two families ever being quite the same.

Should divorced dads get equal custody of their children? Absolutely YES - when the right conditions are in place for the best interest of those children. And definitely NO - when the well-being of the children and their future is at risk. Who should decide? Sincere, loving parents along with the most caring, compassionate professionals they can access. These professionals must understand divorce dynamics to help create the best possible outcome for every one in the family - but especially the kids!

I always suggest divorce mediators as an excellent resource. Therapists who specialize in divorce and family counseling can also be very effective in contributing to your divorce team. Experienced Certified Divorce Coaches can offer valuable insights. Divorce Financial Analysts may also play an integral part in your peaceful resolution. Collaborative divorce attorneys who are comfortable working with these professionals can keep you on track for the purpose of creating a positive win-win resolution.

Take your parenting responsibility seriously! If you let your heart and head, but not your ego, lead you in making these crucial decisions you will honor your children and give them the best possible future in the years and decades to come. That is what I wish for every child touched by divorce!

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com


8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Being Alone During the Holidays Can Be Tough For Divorced Parents

Being Alone During the Holidays Can Be Tough For Divorced Parents

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

One of the saddest consequences of divorce for parents is the alone-time when your children are visiting their other parent. While short-term periods when the kids are away can be a welcome respite for an over-scheduled single parent, for other parents the intervals between seeing the children can be long and lonely. The holiday season can be a particularly challenging time, especially when friends and neighbors are busy with their own family gatherings.

It's really important for parents who are alone during the winter holidays to get creative and absorbed in activities that you find personally fulfilling. This can also be an opportunity to reflect on meeting your own needs and finding friends and activities that bring joy into your life.

One of the greatest challenges for divorced parents is avoiding self-pity. Overwhelmed by a sense of isolation, or feeling undervalued as a parent, can often result in making poor choices when communicating with your children. It's not difficult to bury your hurt in comments designed to make your children feel guilty about not being with you, despite the fact that most times those decisions are not really within their control.

Turning toward your support group of friends can be really helpful when these feelings arise. Seeking out a counselor or divorce coach can also provide advice and new resources for creating alternative holiday traditions.

Here are some other ways you can stay in the lives of your children despite the distance between you.

• Create a Journal of holiday activities that you can later share with the kids. This might take the form of a travelogue of places you've explored, people you've visited, movies you saw and other activities participated in. You can even bring home a souvenir from each place as something to show and talk about with the kids on their next visit, such as paper restaurant menus, movie ticket stubs, tee shirts, colorful brochures, post-cards, hats, pens, etc.
• Send an email or text message "of the day" to the kids with a theme: such as the Staying Warm Tip of the Day, favorite Candy Bar of the Day, Sledding Tip of the Day, Favorite Frozen Yogurt Flavor of the Day - just to keep in touch.
• Join a toy or food distribution drive over the holidays to help needy children in your community so you feel valued while interacting with and bringing joy to other children
• Make plans to see the same movie as your kids on the same day and then schedule a call to discuss the movie together and share the experience in your own way

Be creative. Think out of the box in healthy ways and your children will appreciate you without guilt, sadness or shame. This is one of the greatest gifts any parent can give to their children - the gift of enjoying their childhood without the burden of parental divorce issues weighing them down.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca