Child-Centered Divorce: Bashing Your Ex is Bad News
Bashing Your Ex is Bad News for Your Children
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
We all do it from time to time. Make a sarcastic comment about our
ex, criticize something they did or didn't do, gesture or grimace
our faces when referring to our former spouse. When we do it in
front of, near or within hearing distance of our children, we set
ourselves up for a hornet's nest of problems.
We have all heard this, but it's easy to forget or let slide. It
hurts our children when they hear one of their parents put down the
other. This is so even if your child does not say anything about
it. With rare exceptions, children innately feel they are part of
both parents. They love them both even when that love isn't
returned to them in the same way.
When you put down their other parent your children are likely to
interpret it as a put-down of part of them. When both parents are
guilty of this behavior, it can create a sense of unworthiness and
low self-esteem. "Something's wrong with me" becomes the child's
unconscious belief.
I know it's challenging some times not to criticize your ex,
especially when you feel totally justified in doing so. Find a
friend or therapist to vent to. Don't do it around your children.
And, whenever possible, find some good things to say about their
other parent - or hold your tongue.
The lesson here is simple. Destructive comments about your ex can
impact your children in many negative ways. It creates anxiety and
insecurity. It raises their level of fear. It makes them question
how much they can trust you and your opinions - or trust
themselves. And it adds a level of unhappiness into their lives
that they do not need ... or deserve!
When you have a problem with your ex, take it directly to them -
and not to or through the children. Don't exploit a difficult
relationship, or difference of opinion with your ex, by
editorializing about him or her to the kids. It's easy to slip -
especially when your frustration level is mounting.
Listen to and monitor your comments to the children about their
other parent.
· Are you hearing yourself say: "Sounds like you picked that up
from your Dad/Mom."
· Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it
with "just like your father/mother."
· Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you
know making sure the kids get the negative judgment?
· Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your
ex with, "Yeah, but ..." and finish it with a downer?
· Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting
the other parent or liking something in their home?
· Do you throw around biting statements like "If Mom/Dad really
loved you ..."
· Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a
disagreement by saying "If you don't like it here, then go live
with your Mom/Dad?
It's easy to fall into these behavior patterns - and they can
effectively manipulate your children's behavior - for the
short-term. But in the long run you will be slowly eroding your
personal relationship with the children you love and alienating
their affection. This will bite you back in the years to come,
especially as your children move into and through their teens.
As a parent you want to raise children with a healthy sense of
self-worth. You want children who are trusting and trust-worthy ,,,
who are open to creating loving relationships in their lives. It's
not divorce per se that emotionally scars children. It's how you,
as a parent, model your behavior before, during and after your
divorce. If you model maturity, dignity and integrity whenever
challenges occur, that's what your children will see and the path
they will take in their own relationships. You can't make life
choices for them, but you sure can influence their choices and
perceptions about the world when they are young and vulnerable!
Minding your tongue around your children can be one of the most
difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. It is also one of
the behaviors that will reap the greatest rewards in the well-being
of your family. Don't let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate
remarks affect and harm your children. Keep a "conscious" diligence
on your commentary and your ex is more likely to follow suit, as
well. If he or she doesn't, your kids will naturally pick up on the
different energy and gravitate toward the parent taking the high
road. Ultimately that parent will win their respect and admiration.
Shouldn't that be you?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
10 Simple Communication Strategies for Divorced Parents
10 Simple Communication Strategies for Divorced Parents
by Cindy Harari, Esq.
Cindy Harari, Esq. is my guest contributor this week. She offers valuable information about communicating with your ex that is effective and promotes healthy parenting relationships. My thanks for Cindy for her excellent advice. Rosalind Sedacca
One of many challenges faced by divorced parents is the dilemma of communicating with their child's other parent. Although the parents have decided to divorce and end their "personal" relationship, when children are involved, the dissolution of a marriage mirrors the end of a business relationship where the business partners (the parents) have produced a product or asset (the children) that remains after the termination of the business.
Even though the parents no longer wish to continue to "work together," they share the desire for their children (the priceless marital asset) to grow and thrive. Among other things, the success of the children requires divorced parents to communicate with each other about child-focused issues. So how do divorced parents communicate effectively about their children when they are angry or upset or would simply rather not speak with their child's other parent ever again? Read on...
1. Whenever possible, communicate in writing. Writing gives you the opportunity to clarify your thoughts and express yourself clearly. Also, in the event of a misunderstanding, everyone can go back and look at what is written. E-mails and faxes have the advantage of having a date and time embedded as well.
2. Stick to child-focused issues and keep your communication informative, not emotional.
3. Keep your communication clear. Use bullet points or numbers rather than paragraphs.
4. If an item requires a response, indicate when the response is necessary. Also state what action will be taken in the event the other parent does not respond. For example: Our son's class trip is on (date) and the cost is ($X). The permission slip is due on (date). Please let me know by (date) if this is OK with you. If I don't hear from you, I will sign the permission slip and you and I will split the cost.
5. Do not use your communication as an opportunity to re-hash your feelings about the subjects you are writing about. Remember - this is business communication about your children.
6. Divide your writing into sections such as "old business," "new business" and "FYI."
7. Respond to communication from your child's other parent as you would like to have them respond to you. Be prompt and businesslike.
8. Use e-mail (and all written communication) courteously. Do not write entirely in capital letters. Do not use boldface type. Do not use extremely large type. Do not use exclamation points. Stay away from sarcasm. No name-calling or bad language at any time.
9. Take the initiative so neither parent becomes the "communication liaison." Children's schools, day care providers, extracurricular activity providers, etc. should have contact information for both parents. Each parent should receive notices from these sources. If that is not happening, the parent who is not receiving the information can provide their contact information and get on the distribution list.
10. Look into online programs such as OurFamilyWizard and ShareKids for calendaring and communication. These programs are designed especially for divorced parents.
There is a time and a place for your emotional release regarding your divorce, but, at the same time, there is a need to conduct the business of raising your children with someone you would probably rather not talk to. So how do you find the strength to "take the high road" time after time and communicate calmly and effectively with your child's other parent?
Always remember that your child's wellbeing depends on what you do and how you do it. It takes work to compartmentalize your emotions and put the needs of your children first, but you can do it. You are not alone - there are many resources available for to help you grow through the divorce. Successful communication strategies are a great addition to your post-divorce parenting toolkit.
********************************************************
Cindy Harari, Esq. is an attorney, trained parenting coordinator, mediator, and arbitrator. Her professional training combined with years of practical experience gives Ms. Harari a unique perspective and distinctive insight regarding issues of divorce and parenting. For additional information, please visit www.solutionsnottalk.com. © 2008. Cindy Harari. All Rights Reserved.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
by Cindy Harari, Esq.
Cindy Harari, Esq. is my guest contributor this week. She offers valuable information about communicating with your ex that is effective and promotes healthy parenting relationships. My thanks for Cindy for her excellent advice. Rosalind Sedacca
One of many challenges faced by divorced parents is the dilemma of communicating with their child's other parent. Although the parents have decided to divorce and end their "personal" relationship, when children are involved, the dissolution of a marriage mirrors the end of a business relationship where the business partners (the parents) have produced a product or asset (the children) that remains after the termination of the business.
Even though the parents no longer wish to continue to "work together," they share the desire for their children (the priceless marital asset) to grow and thrive. Among other things, the success of the children requires divorced parents to communicate with each other about child-focused issues. So how do divorced parents communicate effectively about their children when they are angry or upset or would simply rather not speak with their child's other parent ever again? Read on...
1. Whenever possible, communicate in writing. Writing gives you the opportunity to clarify your thoughts and express yourself clearly. Also, in the event of a misunderstanding, everyone can go back and look at what is written. E-mails and faxes have the advantage of having a date and time embedded as well.
2. Stick to child-focused issues and keep your communication informative, not emotional.
3. Keep your communication clear. Use bullet points or numbers rather than paragraphs.
4. If an item requires a response, indicate when the response is necessary. Also state what action will be taken in the event the other parent does not respond. For example: Our son's class trip is on (date) and the cost is ($X). The permission slip is due on (date). Please let me know by (date) if this is OK with you. If I don't hear from you, I will sign the permission slip and you and I will split the cost.
5. Do not use your communication as an opportunity to re-hash your feelings about the subjects you are writing about. Remember - this is business communication about your children.
6. Divide your writing into sections such as "old business," "new business" and "FYI."
7. Respond to communication from your child's other parent as you would like to have them respond to you. Be prompt and businesslike.
8. Use e-mail (and all written communication) courteously. Do not write entirely in capital letters. Do not use boldface type. Do not use extremely large type. Do not use exclamation points. Stay away from sarcasm. No name-calling or bad language at any time.
9. Take the initiative so neither parent becomes the "communication liaison." Children's schools, day care providers, extracurricular activity providers, etc. should have contact information for both parents. Each parent should receive notices from these sources. If that is not happening, the parent who is not receiving the information can provide their contact information and get on the distribution list.
10. Look into online programs such as OurFamilyWizard and ShareKids for calendaring and communication. These programs are designed especially for divorced parents.
There is a time and a place for your emotional release regarding your divorce, but, at the same time, there is a need to conduct the business of raising your children with someone you would probably rather not talk to. So how do you find the strength to "take the high road" time after time and communicate calmly and effectively with your child's other parent?
Always remember that your child's wellbeing depends on what you do and how you do it. It takes work to compartmentalize your emotions and put the needs of your children first, but you can do it. You are not alone - there are many resources available for to help you grow through the divorce. Successful communication strategies are a great addition to your post-divorce parenting toolkit.
********************************************************
Cindy Harari, Esq. is an attorney, trained parenting coordinator, mediator, and arbitrator. Her professional training combined with years of practical experience gives Ms. Harari a unique perspective and distinctive insight regarding issues of divorce and parenting. For additional information, please visit www.solutionsnottalk.com. © 2008. Cindy Harari. All Rights Reserved.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Dads and Step-Dads: Keeping it all in Perspective
Dads and Step-Dads: Keeping it all in Perspective
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Being a divorced Dad can be one of the most frustrating experiences any parent will ever face. For many it seems like a can't-win situation. You find that you're constantly trying to prove yourself - to your ex, to the children, and often to a Step-Dad who has moved into the picture.
If Mom has custody of the children, it's more than likely that your children are seeing more of step-Dad than you. That can feel very disempowering and bring up all sorts of issues - not to mention jealousy. While it's understandable for any Dad to feel that way, it is also wise to get a handle on that jealousy ... for the sake of your children.
Think about it this way. When it comes to those children, both you and Step-Dad share a common interest, their well-being. For that reason finding a way to get along with Step-Dad, and show him some respect for his efforts on their behalf, can positively impact everyone in the family dynamic, especially your children. They don't want to see you angry, fighting, or putting down Mom or Step-Dad. The emotional upheaval this creates for your children complicates their lives, filling them with guilt, confusion and a lack of confidence when it comes to trusting new relationships..
Tom Wohlmut, President of Stepfamily Network, says "Men tend to be very competitive and territorial. But, when they're parenting the same child, they need to think about being on the same football team, not opposing teams." A supportive father will therefore help his children to not feel guilty for liking or supporting Step-Dad as he interacts in their lives.
In fact, says Wohlmut, you might want to ask yourself, "What is the one thing I can do to acknowledge the male father figure? Children need to understand there is only one Dad and one Mom and that will never, ever change. But, that doesn't mean the other male in their life doesn't have good qualities they can benefit from."
This, of course, is equally relevant if a new Step-Mom enters the picture on your side. The goal is to do whatever you can to keep your children from feeling conflicted or disloyal if they get along with their Step-Parents and find many of their qualities or areas of expertise to be appealing.
Children have a huge capacity to love as well as to learn from many influences in their lives. Don't force them to depend exclusively on you, especially if you're needing it as an ego boost. The real challenge is to continue to build, keep and maintain your relationship with your children - despite time intervals and distance - because of your love for them. You are fortunate when Step-Dad is a complementary figure in their lives who sincerely cares for them and strives to do his best.
No one ever said being a divorced Dad was easy. There are no guarantees regarding who a new Step-Dad will be either. But when you keep your perspective clearly focused on your children's emotional and psychological well-being, you'll be steered in the right direction for yourself and your children. And that's what it's all about, isn't it?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Being a divorced Dad can be one of the most frustrating experiences any parent will ever face. For many it seems like a can't-win situation. You find that you're constantly trying to prove yourself - to your ex, to the children, and often to a Step-Dad who has moved into the picture.
If Mom has custody of the children, it's more than likely that your children are seeing more of step-Dad than you. That can feel very disempowering and bring up all sorts of issues - not to mention jealousy. While it's understandable for any Dad to feel that way, it is also wise to get a handle on that jealousy ... for the sake of your children.
Think about it this way. When it comes to those children, both you and Step-Dad share a common interest, their well-being. For that reason finding a way to get along with Step-Dad, and show him some respect for his efforts on their behalf, can positively impact everyone in the family dynamic, especially your children. They don't want to see you angry, fighting, or putting down Mom or Step-Dad. The emotional upheaval this creates for your children complicates their lives, filling them with guilt, confusion and a lack of confidence when it comes to trusting new relationships..
Tom Wohlmut, President of Stepfamily Network, says "Men tend to be very competitive and territorial. But, when they're parenting the same child, they need to think about being on the same football team, not opposing teams." A supportive father will therefore help his children to not feel guilty for liking or supporting Step-Dad as he interacts in their lives.
In fact, says Wohlmut, you might want to ask yourself, "What is the one thing I can do to acknowledge the male father figure? Children need to understand there is only one Dad and one Mom and that will never, ever change. But, that doesn't mean the other male in their life doesn't have good qualities they can benefit from."
This, of course, is equally relevant if a new Step-Mom enters the picture on your side. The goal is to do whatever you can to keep your children from feeling conflicted or disloyal if they get along with their Step-Parents and find many of their qualities or areas of expertise to be appealing.
Children have a huge capacity to love as well as to learn from many influences in their lives. Don't force them to depend exclusively on you, especially if you're needing it as an ego boost. The real challenge is to continue to build, keep and maintain your relationship with your children - despite time intervals and distance - because of your love for them. You are fortunate when Step-Dad is a complementary figure in their lives who sincerely cares for them and strives to do his best.
No one ever said being a divorced Dad was easy. There are no guarantees regarding who a new Step-Dad will be either. But when you keep your perspective clearly focused on your children's emotional and psychological well-being, you'll be steered in the right direction for yourself and your children. And that's what it's all about, isn't it?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Tag Team Parenting Post-Divorce Tag Team Parenting
Child-Centered Divorce: Tag Team Parenting Post-Divorce
Tag Team Parenting
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=oJgVlM6nG0AcewfYONvieA
Works - Even Post Divorce
Guest author Mark Goulston
Children get mannerisms and attitudes from both parents but develop their inner calm and feeling of well being from how much their parents like, trust and respect each other.
Increasing research shows that a significant part of a child's mind and personality is influenced not by how their parents react to the child, but by how their parents respond to each other.
What becomes frustrating and at times demoralizing to children is not so much that mothers and fathers disagree or argue (as they inevitably will), but that parents continue to argue over the same things and never definitively resolve them once and for all.
When
children
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=GK91QbKyMbpHczLNGg.vMA
observe parents arguing without resolution they see emotion and reason locked in a "zero sum" fight instead of cooperating with each other. When they then internalize into their personality that emotion and reason cannot work together, their inner sense of calm and well-being is replaced by restlessness. It is as if at any moment their own emotion and reason are on the brink of doing battle in their mind reminiscent of what they observe between their parents. And this destroys inner calm and well being.
As the lack of cooperation between the emotion and reason in their observed world can create chaos in their life, the lack of cooperation between emotion and reason in their own mind can create flaws in their developing personalities.
The best example of how emotion and reason can work together between a mother and father utilizes "tag team parenting." This is when one parent being better at logical problem solving tells the child to go to the other for comforting if that is what the child seems to need. And conversely when the other parent who is better at emotional comforting tells the child to go speak to the other for help with solving a problem if what the child needs more is good advice.
* * *
Dr. Mark Goulston
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=bR6H.DjQNsiKa7SfLkR5bw
is a former UCLA professor who is frequently called upon to share his expertise with regard to contemporary business, national and world news by television, radio and print media including: Wall Street Journal,
Harvard Business Review
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=FJvjb2yZbzlMzkZ20nS5Hg
, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox/CNN/BBC News, Oprah, and Today. Mark Goulston is the author of
The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship,
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=OhADbGOFTcnM1FxlCNDQqw
Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior,
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=dtO2k0nHcFBdy.0OuVj8OQ
Get Out of Your Own Way at Work
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=vsf4XYuFmLXM.QSwnd9bJQ
and
PTSD for Dummies
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=LmAQmRm5rJBPpzfh1iHp3A
. For more information visit:
www.markgoulston.com.
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=gZR1beFwzA1Ug6fZptHDcA
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=tPEy_kuBtvmnoKj898WxJQ
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Tag Team Parenting
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=oJgVlM6nG0AcewfYONvieA
Works - Even Post Divorce
Guest author Mark Goulston
Children get mannerisms and attitudes from both parents but develop their inner calm and feeling of well being from how much their parents like, trust and respect each other.
Increasing research shows that a significant part of a child's mind and personality is influenced not by how their parents react to the child, but by how their parents respond to each other.
What becomes frustrating and at times demoralizing to children is not so much that mothers and fathers disagree or argue (as they inevitably will), but that parents continue to argue over the same things and never definitively resolve them once and for all.
When
children
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=GK91QbKyMbpHczLNGg.vMA
observe parents arguing without resolution they see emotion and reason locked in a "zero sum" fight instead of cooperating with each other. When they then internalize into their personality that emotion and reason cannot work together, their inner sense of calm and well-being is replaced by restlessness. It is as if at any moment their own emotion and reason are on the brink of doing battle in their mind reminiscent of what they observe between their parents. And this destroys inner calm and well being.
As the lack of cooperation between the emotion and reason in their observed world can create chaos in their life, the lack of cooperation between emotion and reason in their own mind can create flaws in their developing personalities.
The best example of how emotion and reason can work together between a mother and father utilizes "tag team parenting." This is when one parent being better at logical problem solving tells the child to go to the other for comforting if that is what the child seems to need. And conversely when the other parent who is better at emotional comforting tells the child to go speak to the other for help with solving a problem if what the child needs more is good advice.
* * *
Dr. Mark Goulston
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=bR6H.DjQNsiKa7SfLkR5bw
is a former UCLA professor who is frequently called upon to share his expertise with regard to contemporary business, national and world news by television, radio and print media including: Wall Street Journal,
Harvard Business Review
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=FJvjb2yZbzlMzkZ20nS5Hg
, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox/CNN/BBC News, Oprah, and Today. Mark Goulston is the author of
The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship,
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=OhADbGOFTcnM1FxlCNDQqw
Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior,
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=dtO2k0nHcFBdy.0OuVj8OQ
Get Out of Your Own Way at Work
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=vsf4XYuFmLXM.QSwnd9bJQ
and
PTSD for Dummies
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=LmAQmRm5rJBPpzfh1iHp3A
. For more information visit:
www.markgoulston.com.
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=gZR1beFwzA1Ug6fZptHDcA
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=tPEy_kuBtvmnoKj898WxJQ
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Children of Divorce Embrace the Abuse They See
Children of Divorce Embrace the Abuse They See
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I came across an article by John Llindenberger, a reporter at the Nebraska newspaper, The North Platte Telegraph. The article refers to a local murder trial in which a teenage girl was locked into a cycle of abuse. She saw her mother battered by two men and later became involved in an abusive relationship with a teenage boy.
The following is Llindenberger's report, based on an interview with an expert in Domestic Abuse. While it's painful to read about this subject, keep it in mind as you think about what your own children see modeled in their lives - and how it will ultimately affect them. Feel free to pass this along to friends and family who may need a wake-up call.
When children are exposed to domestic violence in the home, they often mimic the behavior they see.
This means the boys often grow up to become abusers, and the girls grow up to marry them.
"Domestic violence is a learned behavior," said Jeanie Gilbert, who is executive director of the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program in North Platte, Nebraska. She has been working with victims of domestic violence for twelve years.
Gilbert said children in these situations become desensitized to the violence, and they often begin to mimic their gender role at a young age. While this is not always the case, she said it is true the majority of the time.
In the 2003-04 fiscal year, nearly 2,400 children and youth came to Nebraska's network of domestic violence and sexual assault programs. More than 1,300 stayed in a shelter with their mothers to escape violence in the home.
According to Gilbert, when children witness domestic violence happening in their home, they experience a wide range of emotions, including fear. She said the children become afraid for their mother as well as themselves.
This fear can become crippling and leave a child with feelings of helplessness and despair. In addition, Gilbert said children often feel guilty and perhaps even responsible for the violence.
"Any child, even in divorce, will take on some of the responsibility," she added.
To avoid their feelings of helplessness, Gilbert said children will often retreat. She noted they sometimes try to hide when the violence occurs or listen to music so they don't have to listen to the fighting.
Children who live with domestic violence also have trouble in school, according to Gilbert. Although school feels like a safe place for these children, they become distracted as they worry about their mother.
Gilbert said domestic violence is not always physical. Verbal or emotional abuse in a relationship can be just as bad. In fact, victims often tell Gilbert that emotional abuse is worse than physical.
In order to break the cycle of domestic violence, children often need lots of counseling and exposure to positive role models. Gilbert said these children need to learn what a positive relationship looks like.
In some cases, children are able to break the cycle on their own when they become adults. However, most need some type of help. They can get that help through classes and support groups offered at the Rape and Domestic Abuse Programs in their community.
If you are experiencing behavior problems with your children, or they are withdrawing emotionally from you, seek out help immediately. The sooner you take action to get the support of a parenting or mental health expert, the faster you can resolve the situation in a positive and mutually beneficial manner.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I came across an article by John Llindenberger, a reporter at the Nebraska newspaper, The North Platte Telegraph. The article refers to a local murder trial in which a teenage girl was locked into a cycle of abuse. She saw her mother battered by two men and later became involved in an abusive relationship with a teenage boy.
The following is Llindenberger's report, based on an interview with an expert in Domestic Abuse. While it's painful to read about this subject, keep it in mind as you think about what your own children see modeled in their lives - and how it will ultimately affect them. Feel free to pass this along to friends and family who may need a wake-up call.
When children are exposed to domestic violence in the home, they often mimic the behavior they see.
This means the boys often grow up to become abusers, and the girls grow up to marry them.
"Domestic violence is a learned behavior," said Jeanie Gilbert, who is executive director of the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program in North Platte, Nebraska. She has been working with victims of domestic violence for twelve years.
Gilbert said children in these situations become desensitized to the violence, and they often begin to mimic their gender role at a young age. While this is not always the case, she said it is true the majority of the time.
In the 2003-04 fiscal year, nearly 2,400 children and youth came to Nebraska's network of domestic violence and sexual assault programs. More than 1,300 stayed in a shelter with their mothers to escape violence in the home.
According to Gilbert, when children witness domestic violence happening in their home, they experience a wide range of emotions, including fear. She said the children become afraid for their mother as well as themselves.
This fear can become crippling and leave a child with feelings of helplessness and despair. In addition, Gilbert said children often feel guilty and perhaps even responsible for the violence.
"Any child, even in divorce, will take on some of the responsibility," she added.
To avoid their feelings of helplessness, Gilbert said children will often retreat. She noted they sometimes try to hide when the violence occurs or listen to music so they don't have to listen to the fighting.
Children who live with domestic violence also have trouble in school, according to Gilbert. Although school feels like a safe place for these children, they become distracted as they worry about their mother.
Gilbert said domestic violence is not always physical. Verbal or emotional abuse in a relationship can be just as bad. In fact, victims often tell Gilbert that emotional abuse is worse than physical.
In order to break the cycle of domestic violence, children often need lots of counseling and exposure to positive role models. Gilbert said these children need to learn what a positive relationship looks like.
In some cases, children are able to break the cycle on their own when they become adults. However, most need some type of help. They can get that help through classes and support groups offered at the Rape and Domestic Abuse Programs in their community.
If you are experiencing behavior problems with your children, or they are withdrawing emotionally from you, seek out help immediately. The sooner you take action to get the support of a parenting or mental health expert, the faster you can resolve the situation in a positive and mutually beneficial manner.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
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