Improving your wedding could not be necessary if you retain the fires burning in the first place. That’s a bit like saying I would not be poor if I had tons of money. However, if you have got spent all of the nice will in your wedding, there’s still a probability you will not must file divorce. You both have to work on the wedding, but reconciliation is a lot of probably if one of you is willing to start out the process.
Jewlry and candy are nice, however they don’t make up for years of relationship neglect. Here are some things that may help you renew the marriage. Not solely are they more personal, but they are also free.
1. Attempt to recollect your 1st date. Where did you go? What did you do? What did you talk concerning? What made you choose a second date with him / her would be a sensible factor?
The one that you are sad with currently is the identical one you learned to like enough to commit yourself to for life. Things have changed. Each of you’ve got gotten older, and life’s events have collected around you. Perhaps if you strip away the problems, just like the overdue mortgage or the fact you haven’t had a vacation for years, you’ll be able to reconnect with the things that attracted you to every different in the beginning.
I asked a disciple of mine once why she dated her ex-husband. She could have had any boy in her class when she was in high school. But, she solely had eyes for him. He wasn’t rich. He wasn’t good looking. In fact, he had acne and was over weight. I had never disliked him, however to listen to my friend speak about him currently, you’d have to assume he was an ax murderer.
She thought of my query for an extended moment. It took her without warning as a result of she was giving me a run down of his latest bad actions. Finally, she spoke, “I had had a very unhealthy day at work, and I used to be cleaning up a big mess in the worker’s lounge when I hunted to work out him holding a puppet in front of me. He somehow managed to make the puppet give me the same smile he had on his face. It created me laugh…” At this time, her voice drifted away dreamily. Then, she suddenly came back. “I suppose a huge half of me still loves him.”
If she had thought of the puppet when she was sad with him whereas they were still married, perhaps the memory would have softened her reactions to him. Rather than participating in the kind of roof raising arguments the neighbors need to share, she might have told him what she needed from him that he wasn’t giving. She may have assumed that he would be willing to act in a very totally different method or do things she wanted if he was given a chance. Instead, she jumped to the conclusion he was intentionally making an attempt to displease her, and reacted defensively. She forgot the boy with the grinning puppet, and solely saw a man whose biggest goal in life was to disappoint her.
2. Get out more. You do not have to go to the foremost expensive restaurant in town. Simply opt for a protracted walk or bike ride. Take a class together. Be a part of a bridge club. It does not matter what you are doing as long as it’s one thing you both like. Don’t place high expectations on your night out. Simply fancy it. It may take a few “date nights”, however if you get far from your every day problems and routines a number of times each week, you will find that you begin to look forward to it slow together, rather than letting the opposite persons faults dominate your thoughts of them.
3. It is vital to speak about your problems, but you do not have to do it all the time. I remember an “All In The Family” episode where Michael greeted the African Yankee character, Lynel with the newest news about civil rights legislation every time they met. Lynel complained regarding this once, observing that it’d be nice if Michael might simply speak concerning everyday things with him occasionally.
“What do you want me to talk concerning? The weather?” Michael was outraged.
“Black individuals have weather too,” Lynel reminded him.
This is something married folks often forget once they talk. Instead of claiming, “how would you prefer to travel for a walk, the flowers are coming back up, and they are so pretty,” they resort to “I suppose the roof needs replaced,” or “we tend to have to do something regarding Jimmy’s grades.” Certainly, the new roof is necessary, and the kid is flunking out of school. You have got to determine together what to do about these things. However, there are more things that also are smart for conversation. If you focus on these non-pressure topics a lot of typically, you may notice the tougher stuff easier to consider when you get around to it. When all, flowers come up for married individuals, too.
Saving your marriage? Read some details here about saving your marriage: marriage test, marriage in australia.For more information here: dating relationship advice.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
ChildSharing Expands Co-Parenting Classes In San Bernardino County.
ChildSharing Expands Co-Parenting Classes In San Bernardino County. http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/pages/Child-Sharing-Inc/189303774143
Your Secret Weapon in Raising Cooperative Kids
Connection is your secret weapon in raising happy, cooperative kids.
It's the glue that holds families together, that binds us over the years and across the miles, that gets us through the hard times. If you're working so hard you can't relax and take delight in your kids, you're missing out on the grease that smooths the rough interactions of everyday life -- and the honey that makes it all worth it.
Children NEED to feel a solid bond with parents who delight in them, just like they need food. That bond is what allows kids to learn so quickly, to risk bumps, scrapes and hurt feelings -- the security of knowing that someone who adores them is watching out for them. Kids naturally want to please those who love them, and when they don't feel a strong adoring adult presence in their lives, they don't behave.
And if we don't cement a close connection before our kids are twelve, they turn elsewhere to bond. It's not too late after that -- and connecting is still critical -- but it's a lot harder to get teens to let us in.
That’s why all parents need to reconnect with their children daily, just to repair the erosion created by life’s normal distractions. When you recollect your child physically into your orbit, focus on recollecting them emotionally as well. Effective parenting is almost impossible until the positive connection with your child has been re-established, so think of this as preventive maintenance, before there’s a problem.
Here's how:
1. Remember that quality time is about connection, so it’s mostly unstructured. Forget about teaching. Just be fully present with your child. Relax, reflect, play, love. Think of quality time as your kid's time, and follow his or her lead......(Click to Keep reading)
It's the glue that holds families together, that binds us over the years and across the miles, that gets us through the hard times. If you're working so hard you can't relax and take delight in your kids, you're missing out on the grease that smooths the rough interactions of everyday life -- and the honey that makes it all worth it.
Children NEED to feel a solid bond with parents who delight in them, just like they need food. That bond is what allows kids to learn so quickly, to risk bumps, scrapes and hurt feelings -- the security of knowing that someone who adores them is watching out for them. Kids naturally want to please those who love them, and when they don't feel a strong adoring adult presence in their lives, they don't behave.
And if we don't cement a close connection before our kids are twelve, they turn elsewhere to bond. It's not too late after that -- and connecting is still critical -- but it's a lot harder to get teens to let us in.
That’s why all parents need to reconnect with their children daily, just to repair the erosion created by life’s normal distractions. When you recollect your child physically into your orbit, focus on recollecting them emotionally as well. Effective parenting is almost impossible until the positive connection with your child has been re-established, so think of this as preventive maintenance, before there’s a problem.
Here's how:
1. Remember that quality time is about connection, so it’s mostly unstructured. Forget about teaching. Just be fully present with your child. Relax, reflect, play, love. Think of quality time as your kid's time, and follow his or her lead......(Click to Keep reading)
Monday, January 25, 2010
TEEN FREEDOM, SOONER
Mark Gregston
To show your teenager you’re really on their side, begin talking about ways to give them more freedoms.
Periodically talk to your teen about ways for them to gain more freedom and independence, right along with more responsibilities. They’ll welcome the challenge, and you’ll also be able to share the boundaries and consequences for stepping over the line. If you just can’t give up control of some areas now, tell them to show their trustworthiness by working on those areas first. That will also keep them accountable.
It may not feel like it’s time to begin loosening the reins at age 13 or 14, but if done right and with clear boundaries, it is better to do it a little early than too late.
Proper Response to Teen Rulebreaking
By Mark Gregston
When a teen breaks the rules, they need a responsible adult to respond, not react. To respond is to offer calmness, honesty, love, grace and support while seeking to correct the misbehavior. However, to react is to become emotional, angry, hurt, quick to judge, and often harsh.
Knee-jerk reactions are almost always counterproductive. We have all done it. Our teen comes home two hours past curfew. We have been waiting up, worrying about all the possible horrible reasons for him being late; we’re an emotional wreck at this point. Then he calmly waltzes in, and ignores us sitting in the chair. That does it! Our brain seems to turn off. We feel disrespected and start yelling. “Where have you been?” “I’ve been waiting up for hours.” “How dare you!”
Parent Survival Kit
40% off helpful resources
Parent Survival Kit
Our parent help library!
Mark’s most popular resources for parents.
LEARN MORE >>
Reacting to your teen will probably never give you the change you intended or wanted. Responding properly can be difficult and takes lots of practice. Counting to ten is good, but then what? Parents of teens must learn to stop their mouths, think about needs to be done, and only then should they speak or act. So, “Stop, Think, Act” is the plan.
You cannot ignore or overlook inappropriate behavior. You must respond based on what you know is true – your faith, your own beliefs, and what you know is best for your child. You might be dealing with just an ice cube, or you might have just touched on the tip of the iceberg of what’s going on in your teen’s life, so don’t burn bridges with harsh reactions.
Stand your ground concerning the boundaries, and follow through on consequences, but strive to get through it all with your relationship intact. Then your teen will learn to respect the healthy boundaries you’ve put into place in his life, and in the future will continue to come to you whenever he is struggling.
An “ounce of prevention” is spending time with your teen on a regular basis rather than force-feeding a “pound of cure” when issues arise.
In fact, take advantage of the “opportunity” before you to deepen your relationship. For instance, set up a weekly breakfast or dinner with just him. Be sure to mostly listen, not talk. Begin and end your discussion with making sure he understands that there is nothing he can do to make you love him more, and there’s nothing he can do to make you love him less. Don’t be afraid to ask him the hard questions. Your goal should be to establish a solid relationship and to encourage ongoing discussions; as a result, other things he is struggling with will be revealed.
What I’ve found is that most kids who appear to be spinning out of control are really good kids that are just making some poor choices. Poor because their actions will take them to a place where they don’t want to end up.
If this describes recent happenings with your teen, I’m sure that you’ll get over this “bump in the road.” And one day you’ll thank God for not only getting you through it, but allowing you to endure it to the point of producing a new depth of relationship with your child.
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
To show your teenager you’re really on their side, begin talking about ways to give them more freedoms.
Periodically talk to your teen about ways for them to gain more freedom and independence, right along with more responsibilities. They’ll welcome the challenge, and you’ll also be able to share the boundaries and consequences for stepping over the line. If you just can’t give up control of some areas now, tell them to show their trustworthiness by working on those areas first. That will also keep them accountable.
It may not feel like it’s time to begin loosening the reins at age 13 or 14, but if done right and with clear boundaries, it is better to do it a little early than too late.
Proper Response to Teen Rulebreaking
By Mark Gregston
When a teen breaks the rules, they need a responsible adult to respond, not react. To respond is to offer calmness, honesty, love, grace and support while seeking to correct the misbehavior. However, to react is to become emotional, angry, hurt, quick to judge, and often harsh.
Knee-jerk reactions are almost always counterproductive. We have all done it. Our teen comes home two hours past curfew. We have been waiting up, worrying about all the possible horrible reasons for him being late; we’re an emotional wreck at this point. Then he calmly waltzes in, and ignores us sitting in the chair. That does it! Our brain seems to turn off. We feel disrespected and start yelling. “Where have you been?” “I’ve been waiting up for hours.” “How dare you!”
Parent Survival Kit
40% off helpful resources
Parent Survival Kit
Our parent help library!
Mark’s most popular resources for parents.
LEARN MORE >>
Reacting to your teen will probably never give you the change you intended or wanted. Responding properly can be difficult and takes lots of practice. Counting to ten is good, but then what? Parents of teens must learn to stop their mouths, think about needs to be done, and only then should they speak or act. So, “Stop, Think, Act” is the plan.
You cannot ignore or overlook inappropriate behavior. You must respond based on what you know is true – your faith, your own beliefs, and what you know is best for your child. You might be dealing with just an ice cube, or you might have just touched on the tip of the iceberg of what’s going on in your teen’s life, so don’t burn bridges with harsh reactions.
Stand your ground concerning the boundaries, and follow through on consequences, but strive to get through it all with your relationship intact. Then your teen will learn to respect the healthy boundaries you’ve put into place in his life, and in the future will continue to come to you whenever he is struggling.
An “ounce of prevention” is spending time with your teen on a regular basis rather than force-feeding a “pound of cure” when issues arise.
In fact, take advantage of the “opportunity” before you to deepen your relationship. For instance, set up a weekly breakfast or dinner with just him. Be sure to mostly listen, not talk. Begin and end your discussion with making sure he understands that there is nothing he can do to make you love him more, and there’s nothing he can do to make you love him less. Don’t be afraid to ask him the hard questions. Your goal should be to establish a solid relationship and to encourage ongoing discussions; as a result, other things he is struggling with will be revealed.
What I’ve found is that most kids who appear to be spinning out of control are really good kids that are just making some poor choices. Poor because their actions will take them to a place where they don’t want to end up.
If this describes recent happenings with your teen, I’m sure that you’ll get over this “bump in the road.” And one day you’ll thank God for not only getting you through it, but allowing you to endure it to the point of producing a new depth of relationship with your child.
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Friday, January 22, 2010
Fixing Parental Mistakes
Parents can sometimes make mistakes in what they say or do, and like large stones thrown into a pond, their actions ripple out and can cause rebellion in the life of their teenager.
A rebellious teen can be seething with anger, and the key to changing their unacceptable behavior is to get to the root of that anger. But it’s sometimes the parents’ own cutting words, actions, or even their inaction, that are the catalyst for their teen’s anger. In that case, improvements usually won’t come about until the parents accept responsibility and sincerely apologize to the teen.
When you know you’ve wronged your teen, saying “I’m sorry” can calm the ripples your mistake has made in your teen’s life and reverse their rebellious behavior.
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
A rebellious teen can be seething with anger, and the key to changing their unacceptable behavior is to get to the root of that anger. But it’s sometimes the parents’ own cutting words, actions, or even their inaction, that are the catalyst for their teen’s anger. In that case, improvements usually won’t come about until the parents accept responsibility and sincerely apologize to the teen.
When you know you’ve wronged your teen, saying “I’m sorry” can calm the ripples your mistake has made in your teen’s life and reverse their rebellious behavior.
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Ask Your Teen Lots Of Questions!!
By Mark Gregston
If parents asked more questions of teens, problems wouldn’t escalate into disasters.
I have found that parents don’t ask enough questions. Perhaps that’s because they just don’t believe that babysitters, relatives, step-children or even teachers will abuse their child. And they don’t think their teenager will ever use drugs, become sexually involved, think of suicide or shoplift. But wise parents understand that these can happen, and they are always on the lookout.
The power of asking questions is amazing. So get the conversation going by asking, “What’s the best thing that happened to you today?” Then, “What’s the worst?” And give your teen your undivided attention a few minutes every day, constantly assuring them that they can always express themselves freely to you about anything.
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
If parents asked more questions of teens, problems wouldn’t escalate into disasters.
I have found that parents don’t ask enough questions. Perhaps that’s because they just don’t believe that babysitters, relatives, step-children or even teachers will abuse their child. And they don’t think their teenager will ever use drugs, become sexually involved, think of suicide or shoplift. But wise parents understand that these can happen, and they are always on the lookout.
The power of asking questions is amazing. So get the conversation going by asking, “What’s the best thing that happened to you today?” Then, “What’s the worst?” And give your teen your undivided attention a few minutes every day, constantly assuring them that they can always express themselves freely to you about anything.
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Is Your Discipline Raising the Child You Want?
What kind of kid do you want to raise? Happy, responsible, considerate, respectful, honest -- whether 6 or 16? Your chances of that go way up if you never punish your child. That means no spanking, no timeouts, no yelling, no contrived consequences. Really. No punishment.
The dirty little secret about punishment is that it doesn't help kids learn to behave. Studies show that ALL punishment makes kids feel worse about themselves and act worse. If punishment helped kids become more self disciplined and behave better, you'd only have to do it once.
Punishment is also associated with lying. Kids who aren't punished don't lie to their parents, because they don't need to -- and the relationship is too important to them.
So why do we punish? We think we should. It alleviates our own frustration. It makes us feel less powerless. We're afraid we don't have any other way to coax good behavior out of our kids.
But children who are guided (which is what the word discipline means) and treated respectfully are better behaved and happier. Yes, of course, there are expectations for behavior. But no need to punish. These kids WANT to behave.
So how can you help kids behave without punishment?
1. Lead by loving example. That means doing whatever you need to so you can manage your own unruly emotions and speak respectfully to your child.
2. Stay connected, even while you guide, so your child wants to please you. When they feel they can't please us, kids harden their hearts to us. So by all means set limits, but set them with empathy: “You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit. Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel."
4. Address the needs that are motivating the misbehavior. All human behavior springs from the attempt to meet a legitimate need. Address the need and you change the behavior.
5. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us. If your child ignores your guidance, it means your relationship isn't strong enough to support the teaching. Back off and focus on rebuilding a close connection.
6. Redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“We don't throw balls in the house. You can throw the ball outside”)....
A recent newsletter included the article "10 Commitments You Can Make to Become a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!" A number of readers wrote asking me to cover each of these commitments in more detail, which we've been doing in the Daily Inspirations. The article above is Commitment #7.
The dirty little secret about punishment is that it doesn't help kids learn to behave. Studies show that ALL punishment makes kids feel worse about themselves and act worse. If punishment helped kids become more self disciplined and behave better, you'd only have to do it once.
Punishment is also associated with lying. Kids who aren't punished don't lie to their parents, because they don't need to -- and the relationship is too important to them.
So why do we punish? We think we should. It alleviates our own frustration. It makes us feel less powerless. We're afraid we don't have any other way to coax good behavior out of our kids.
But children who are guided (which is what the word discipline means) and treated respectfully are better behaved and happier. Yes, of course, there are expectations for behavior. But no need to punish. These kids WANT to behave.
So how can you help kids behave without punishment?
1. Lead by loving example. That means doing whatever you need to so you can manage your own unruly emotions and speak respectfully to your child.
2. Stay connected, even while you guide, so your child wants to please you. When they feel they can't please us, kids harden their hearts to us. So by all means set limits, but set them with empathy: “You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit. Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel."
4. Address the needs that are motivating the misbehavior. All human behavior springs from the attempt to meet a legitimate need. Address the need and you change the behavior.
5. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us. If your child ignores your guidance, it means your relationship isn't strong enough to support the teaching. Back off and focus on rebuilding a close connection.
6. Redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“We don't throw balls in the house. You can throw the ball outside”)....
A recent newsletter included the article "10 Commitments You Can Make to Become a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!" A number of readers wrote asking me to cover each of these commitments in more detail, which we've been doing in the Daily Inspirations. The article above is Commitment #7.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Tips For Succesfull Co-Parenting
In addition to basic parenting issues, the couple must somehow find a way to do what was probably a challenge in their relationship: communicate clearly and effectively with each other. Working together is essential to the success of a co-parenting arrangement. It may be hard to work through your communication issues, but everyone will benefit if you do.
Other aspects of co-parenting are the same as parenting in one household:
Be respectful of your ex spouse.
Resolve conflicts and discuss major issues privately, not in front of the children.
Don’t confide, complain or grumble about your ex to your kids – you need family, friends or a therapist for that role.
Don’t use your kids as messengers between you and the other parent.
Assure your kids that both parents will listen to feelings and address needs cooperatively.
Other aspects of co-parenting are the same as parenting in one household:
Be respectful of your ex spouse.
Resolve conflicts and discuss major issues privately, not in front of the children.
Don’t confide, complain or grumble about your ex to your kids – you need family, friends or a therapist for that role.
Don’t use your kids as messengers between you and the other parent.
Assure your kids that both parents will listen to feelings and address needs cooperatively.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Divorce Parents Are Still Parents
Divorced parenting presents the former spouses with all manner of challenges that intact couples do not have to face. One of the most significant is that after a divorce, both former spouses must remember that in their dealings with each other, both of them are still equally the parents of their children.
Today, courts are very open to custody arrangements that cooperative parents negotiate, but if custody is disputed, very often the mother ends up as the custodial parent receiving child support and the father becomes the noncustodial parent paying it, and he visits his children under the terms and conditions of a schedule. This routine, though admittedly not perfect, permits both parents to be actively involved in the lives of their children.
However, what frequently happens is that the noncustodial father, even one who demonstrates good faith with prompt payment of child support, slowly drifts out the lives of his children. Moreover, the divorced father who remarries and has a second family with a new wife may move toward the vanishing point in the lives of his children from earlier marriage. When Dad drifts from the picture — for example, missing promised outings with his children or not showing up for school events — children frequently blame themselves.
Judges, social workers, family counselors, custody evaluators — all stress the need for both mother and father to be active parents of their children, who suffer terribly in the divorce of their parents and who frequently fantasize about their reunification.
Among the many reason to make a heroic effort to avoid a divorce war is that when the marriage is over, divorce parents must still work together to be good parents. By the same token, former spouses who continue the war after the peace treaty has been signed — that is, those who continue to fight with their former spouses about, for example, returning the children a few minutes late — make effective parenting very difficult.
Admittedly, divorce parenting is difficult. The noncustodial father is not physically present much of the time and thus he misses many of his children’s best moments because they happen spontaneously. And the custodial mother may become overburdened because she and she alone is with them all the time. However, this actually underscores the truth of divorced parenting: both parents are still equally the parents of their children.
Today, courts are very open to custody arrangements that cooperative parents negotiate, but if custody is disputed, very often the mother ends up as the custodial parent receiving child support and the father becomes the noncustodial parent paying it, and he visits his children under the terms and conditions of a schedule. This routine, though admittedly not perfect, permits both parents to be actively involved in the lives of their children.
However, what frequently happens is that the noncustodial father, even one who demonstrates good faith with prompt payment of child support, slowly drifts out the lives of his children. Moreover, the divorced father who remarries and has a second family with a new wife may move toward the vanishing point in the lives of his children from earlier marriage. When Dad drifts from the picture — for example, missing promised outings with his children or not showing up for school events — children frequently blame themselves.
Judges, social workers, family counselors, custody evaluators — all stress the need for both mother and father to be active parents of their children, who suffer terribly in the divorce of their parents and who frequently fantasize about their reunification.
Among the many reason to make a heroic effort to avoid a divorce war is that when the marriage is over, divorce parents must still work together to be good parents. By the same token, former spouses who continue the war after the peace treaty has been signed — that is, those who continue to fight with their former spouses about, for example, returning the children a few minutes late — make effective parenting very difficult.
Admittedly, divorce parenting is difficult. The noncustodial father is not physically present much of the time and thus he misses many of his children’s best moments because they happen spontaneously. And the custodial mother may become overburdened because she and she alone is with them all the time. However, this actually underscores the truth of divorced parenting: both parents are still equally the parents of their children.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Parental Alienation Syndrome
What is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)?
This is the definition of PAS as described by R.A. Gardner who discovered the syndrome and has become an expert in dealing with the issue.
Gardner's definition of PAS is:
"The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent."
(Excerpted from: Gardner, R.A. (1998). The Parental Alienation Syndrome, Second Edition, Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics, Inc.)
Basically, this means that through verbal and non verbal thoughts, actions and mannerisms, a child is emotionally abused (brainwashed) into thinking the other parent is the enemy. This ranges from bad mouthing the other parent infront of the children, to withholding visits, to pre-arranging the activities for the children while visiting with the other parent.
Stages of Parental Alienations Syndrome:
Children who are victims of PAS often go through different Stages as they experience the depth of the alienation.
Stage 1 - Mild | Stage 2 - Moderate | Stage 3 - Severe |
Types of Alienators:
With PAS there are three types of Alienators:
Naive Alienator | Active Alienator | Obsessed Alienator |
This is the definition of PAS as described by R.A. Gardner who discovered the syndrome and has become an expert in dealing with the issue.
Gardner's definition of PAS is:
"The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent."
(Excerpted from: Gardner, R.A. (1998). The Parental Alienation Syndrome, Second Edition, Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics, Inc.)
Basically, this means that through verbal and non verbal thoughts, actions and mannerisms, a child is emotionally abused (brainwashed) into thinking the other parent is the enemy. This ranges from bad mouthing the other parent infront of the children, to withholding visits, to pre-arranging the activities for the children while visiting with the other parent.
Stages of Parental Alienations Syndrome:
Children who are victims of PAS often go through different Stages as they experience the depth of the alienation.
Stage 1 - Mild | Stage 2 - Moderate | Stage 3 - Severe |
Types of Alienators:
With PAS there are three types of Alienators:
Naive Alienator | Active Alienator | Obsessed Alienator |
Monday, January 11, 2010
Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead?
By Dr. Laura Markham http://ahaparenting.com/
"Want to feel as playful and vibrant as your children? Want to feel an abundance of energy? Want to experience greater clarity in all you do? Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead? Imagine taking care of yourself in all the marvelous ways you take care of others. It makes sense that, if you shifted self-care onto the top of your priority list, you would feel more rested, more centered, more present to your loved ones, more joyful..." -- womansfieldguide.com
Yesterday my weekly newsletter included the article "10 Commitments You Can Make to Become a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!" A number of readers wrote asking me to cover each of these commitments in more detail. Today, we begin with #1:
Commit to taking care of yourself and staying centered so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves.
Nobody is centered all the time. This commitment is about noticing when you get off balance and finding ways to course-correct. Equally important, it's about creating a healthy foundation so the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (and children!) don't faze you. How? Integrate daily sustainable self-nurturing into your life, to keep your mood happy and resourceful:
* Make a list of things that make you feel joyful, and do at least one thing from your Joy list every single day. It can be as simple as a hot bath or as elaborate as getting a sitter so you can spend the evening out.
* Make a list of things you can do with your kids to shift the mood and energy when things get tough: Put on music and dance? Make popcorn? Spend the afternoon snuggling on the couch with a blanket and a pile of books? Get everyone outside for an hour?
* The minute your mood veers from loving to frazzled, stop. Breathe deep. Remind yourself that everything is better when you stay calm. Hug your children and regroup.
* Start going to bed an hour earlier so you're better rested in the morning.
* Notice the times each day that stress you (bedtime? dinner prep? getting dressed?). Write out a routine for that time of day, post it, and keep refining it until you can enjoy it stress-free.
* Figure out healthful snacks and meals that you actually love eating and can prepare quickly.
* Drop the addictions that are sapping your energy (you know what they are) and substitute other ways to recharge your batteries and indulge yourself. Get help if you need to as you break old habits.
* Slow down your pace so you can enjoy your life. Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Just say no to everything you can that doesn’t bring you joy.
* Forget about having a calm and orderly life. (You have kids, right?) Instead, aspire to remain gracious in the face of the unexpected. Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong.
* Adopt a simple mindfulness practice to stay in balance. It can be as simple as putting post-its reminding you to Breathe on your dashboard, mirror, and fridge.
* Transform those inner negative voices in your head into your inner cheerleader and shower yourself with encouragement.
* Forgive yourself every day for all the ways you aren't perfect, and accept yourself, warts and all. Only parents who can make peace with their own imperfection can fully accept and love their children (who are by definition imperfect.)
* Count your blessings and say thank you for everything good in your life, every single day.
Make sure your child gets the best of you, not what's left of you after life wears you down each day. What’s your plan today to fill your own cup with love and joy?
All Rights Reserved: http://ahaparenting.com/
www.ChildSharing.com
By Dr. Laura Markham http://ahaparenting.com/
"Want to feel as playful and vibrant as your children? Want to feel an abundance of energy? Want to experience greater clarity in all you do? Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead? Imagine taking care of yourself in all the marvelous ways you take care of others. It makes sense that, if you shifted self-care onto the top of your priority list, you would feel more rested, more centered, more present to your loved ones, more joyful..." -- womansfieldguide.com
Yesterday my weekly newsletter included the article "10 Commitments You Can Make to Become a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!" A number of readers wrote asking me to cover each of these commitments in more detail. Today, we begin with #1:
Commit to taking care of yourself and staying centered so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves.
Nobody is centered all the time. This commitment is about noticing when you get off balance and finding ways to course-correct. Equally important, it's about creating a healthy foundation so the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (and children!) don't faze you. How? Integrate daily sustainable self-nurturing into your life, to keep your mood happy and resourceful:
* Make a list of things that make you feel joyful, and do at least one thing from your Joy list every single day. It can be as simple as a hot bath or as elaborate as getting a sitter so you can spend the evening out.
* Make a list of things you can do with your kids to shift the mood and energy when things get tough: Put on music and dance? Make popcorn? Spend the afternoon snuggling on the couch with a blanket and a pile of books? Get everyone outside for an hour?
* The minute your mood veers from loving to frazzled, stop. Breathe deep. Remind yourself that everything is better when you stay calm. Hug your children and regroup.
* Start going to bed an hour earlier so you're better rested in the morning.
* Notice the times each day that stress you (bedtime? dinner prep? getting dressed?). Write out a routine for that time of day, post it, and keep refining it until you can enjoy it stress-free.
* Figure out healthful snacks and meals that you actually love eating and can prepare quickly.
* Drop the addictions that are sapping your energy (you know what they are) and substitute other ways to recharge your batteries and indulge yourself. Get help if you need to as you break old habits.
* Slow down your pace so you can enjoy your life. Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Just say no to everything you can that doesn’t bring you joy.
* Forget about having a calm and orderly life. (You have kids, right?) Instead, aspire to remain gracious in the face of the unexpected. Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong.
* Adopt a simple mindfulness practice to stay in balance. It can be as simple as putting post-its reminding you to Breathe on your dashboard, mirror, and fridge.
* Transform those inner negative voices in your head into your inner cheerleader and shower yourself with encouragement.
* Forgive yourself every day for all the ways you aren't perfect, and accept yourself, warts and all. Only parents who can make peace with their own imperfection can fully accept and love their children (who are by definition imperfect.)
* Count your blessings and say thank you for everything good in your life, every single day.
Make sure your child gets the best of you, not what's left of you after life wears you down each day. What’s your plan today to fill your own cup with love and joy?
All Rights Reserved: http://ahaparenting.com/
www.ChildSharing.com
Monday, January 4, 2010
10 Commitments That Will Make You a Better Parent
by: Dr. Laura Markham. All rights reserved
Being a better parent isn’t something you make a resolution about and immediately notice a change. You act as you do because of how you feel inside, how you’ve gotten used to interacting with your child, and the model of parenting you’re carrying around in your head. Those are powerful forces.
But if you want to become a more inspired parent – and a happier person – that’s completely possible. I’ve seen countless parents do it. How? Step by step.
Start by committing yourself. Envision what your life will look like when you keep this commitment, and how you'll feel. Revisit your commitment daily, including your image of how keeping that commitment makes you feel. (You're programming your subconscious.) When you mess up (and you will, if you’re human), offer yourself total compassion, apologize to your child, and take a positive step in your desired direction. Two steps forward, one step back still takes you where you want to go.
Make a small positive change every day. Find support (like my free daily emails) and give yourself constant cheerleading.
Wondering where to begin? Here are 10 Commitments that will make you a better parent – and a happier person. Start with one, or commit to all ten. I’ll be here to support you each step of the way.
1. Commit to taking care of yourself and staying centered so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves. That means integrating daily sustainable self-nurturing into your life: Go to bed earlier so you’re better rested, eat healthfully to maintain your mood, transform any inner negative voices into encouraging ones, and slow down your pace so you can enjoy your life.
2. Commit to loving the one you’re with. The one thing we know for certain about child development is that kids who feel loved and cherished thrive. That doesn’t mean kids who ARE loved – plenty of kids whose parents love them don’t thrive. The kids who thrive are the ones who FEEL loved and cherished for exactly who they are. Every child is unique, so it takes a different approach for that child to feel seen and loved. The hard work for us as parents is accepting who our child is, warts and all – and cherishing him or her for being that person, even while guiding behavior. The secret? See it from his perspective, use a positive lens, and celebrate every step in the right direction.
3. Commit to staying connected. Separation happens. That’s why we have to repeatedly reconnect. Remember that quality time is about connection, not teaching, so it’s mostly unstructured. Hug your child first thing every morning and when you say goodbye. When you’re reunited later in the day, spend fifteen minutes solely focused on your child. (What do you do in that 15 minutes? Listen, commiserate, hug, laugh, listen some more.) Stop working before dinner time so you can devote your evening to your family. Eat dinner together. Have a chat and a silent snuggle at bedtime every night with each child.
4. Commit to role modeling respect. Want to raise kids who are considerate and respectful, right through the teen years? Take a deep breath, and speak to them respectfully. Not always easy when you’re angry, so remember the cardinal rules of managing your emotions with kids: You’re the role model, don’t take it personally, and this too shall pass!
5. Commit to teaching emotional intelligence by empathizing with your child’s emotions rather than minimizing them. We help kids learn to manage their emotions by giving them the message that their full range of feelings is understandable, even while their actions must be limited. (“You wish you could have a cookie”) and by giving them words to express how they feel (“You’re mad your tower fell!”).
6. Commit to looking for the needs behind your child’s behavior. Your kid has a reason for whatever he’s doing that displeases you. It might not be what you consider a good reason, but it’s what’s motivating his behavior. If yelling at him about his behavior were going to change it, that would have worked already. Only by addressing the underlying need do we change a person’s behavior. Parents who address kids’ need pre-emptively by noticing problem areas (“Hmm….looks like she wants to choose her own clothes, even if they don’t match!”) are rewarded with kids who cooperate.
7. Commit to guidance rather than punishment. Kids only behave to please us. When we constantly criticize and discipline, they harden their hearts to us. Parents who lead by loving example, address needs rather than focusing on misbehavior, redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“You can throw the ball outside”), and set limits empathically (“You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit. Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel”) end up with well-behaved, self-disciplined kids who WANT to behave.
8. Commit to remembering what’s important and an attitude of gratitude. Stay positive and choose your battles. Every negative interaction with your child uses up valuable relationship capital. Focus on what matters, such as the way your child treats her siblings. In the larger scheme of things, her jacket on the floor may drive you crazy, but it probably isn’t worth putting your relationship bank account in the red over. Be grateful for every single thing she does that you like, and you’ll find her doing lots more of those things.
9. Commit to radical self-acceptance and compassion. Want to feel more love in your heart? Give it to yourself! Love is a verb. Yes, love can just happen – but we only make more (and feel more) by giving it away. And we can only give our children as much love as our own hearts can hold. Go ahead – stretch your heart. Every time you feel bad, for any reason, offer yourself love. You’ll be amazed how your life tranforms.
10. Keep Perspective. Sure, your kids will make mistakes, and so will you. There are no perfect parents, no perfect children, and no prefect families. But there are families who live in the embrace of great love, where everyone thrives. The only way to create that kind of family is to make daily choices that take you in that direction. It's not magic, just the hard work of course correction to stay on the right path. But if you look for it, you can always find trailmarks and support to beckon you onward to a more rewarding life. Just keep taking positive steps. Before you know it, you'll find your self in a whole new landscape.
Being a better parent isn’t something you make a resolution about and immediately notice a change. You act as you do because of how you feel inside, how you’ve gotten used to interacting with your child, and the model of parenting you’re carrying around in your head. Those are powerful forces.
But if you want to become a more inspired parent – and a happier person – that’s completely possible. I’ve seen countless parents do it. How? Step by step.
Start by committing yourself. Envision what your life will look like when you keep this commitment, and how you'll feel. Revisit your commitment daily, including your image of how keeping that commitment makes you feel. (You're programming your subconscious.) When you mess up (and you will, if you’re human), offer yourself total compassion, apologize to your child, and take a positive step in your desired direction. Two steps forward, one step back still takes you where you want to go.
Make a small positive change every day. Find support (like my free daily emails) and give yourself constant cheerleading.
Wondering where to begin? Here are 10 Commitments that will make you a better parent – and a happier person. Start with one, or commit to all ten. I’ll be here to support you each step of the way.
1. Commit to taking care of yourself and staying centered so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves. That means integrating daily sustainable self-nurturing into your life: Go to bed earlier so you’re better rested, eat healthfully to maintain your mood, transform any inner negative voices into encouraging ones, and slow down your pace so you can enjoy your life.
2. Commit to loving the one you’re with. The one thing we know for certain about child development is that kids who feel loved and cherished thrive. That doesn’t mean kids who ARE loved – plenty of kids whose parents love them don’t thrive. The kids who thrive are the ones who FEEL loved and cherished for exactly who they are. Every child is unique, so it takes a different approach for that child to feel seen and loved. The hard work for us as parents is accepting who our child is, warts and all – and cherishing him or her for being that person, even while guiding behavior. The secret? See it from his perspective, use a positive lens, and celebrate every step in the right direction.
3. Commit to staying connected. Separation happens. That’s why we have to repeatedly reconnect. Remember that quality time is about connection, not teaching, so it’s mostly unstructured. Hug your child first thing every morning and when you say goodbye. When you’re reunited later in the day, spend fifteen minutes solely focused on your child. (What do you do in that 15 minutes? Listen, commiserate, hug, laugh, listen some more.) Stop working before dinner time so you can devote your evening to your family. Eat dinner together. Have a chat and a silent snuggle at bedtime every night with each child.
4. Commit to role modeling respect. Want to raise kids who are considerate and respectful, right through the teen years? Take a deep breath, and speak to them respectfully. Not always easy when you’re angry, so remember the cardinal rules of managing your emotions with kids: You’re the role model, don’t take it personally, and this too shall pass!
5. Commit to teaching emotional intelligence by empathizing with your child’s emotions rather than minimizing them. We help kids learn to manage their emotions by giving them the message that their full range of feelings is understandable, even while their actions must be limited. (“You wish you could have a cookie”) and by giving them words to express how they feel (“You’re mad your tower fell!”).
6. Commit to looking for the needs behind your child’s behavior. Your kid has a reason for whatever he’s doing that displeases you. It might not be what you consider a good reason, but it’s what’s motivating his behavior. If yelling at him about his behavior were going to change it, that would have worked already. Only by addressing the underlying need do we change a person’s behavior. Parents who address kids’ need pre-emptively by noticing problem areas (“Hmm….looks like she wants to choose her own clothes, even if they don’t match!”) are rewarded with kids who cooperate.
7. Commit to guidance rather than punishment. Kids only behave to please us. When we constantly criticize and discipline, they harden their hearts to us. Parents who lead by loving example, address needs rather than focusing on misbehavior, redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“You can throw the ball outside”), and set limits empathically (“You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit. Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel”) end up with well-behaved, self-disciplined kids who WANT to behave.
8. Commit to remembering what’s important and an attitude of gratitude. Stay positive and choose your battles. Every negative interaction with your child uses up valuable relationship capital. Focus on what matters, such as the way your child treats her siblings. In the larger scheme of things, her jacket on the floor may drive you crazy, but it probably isn’t worth putting your relationship bank account in the red over. Be grateful for every single thing she does that you like, and you’ll find her doing lots more of those things.
9. Commit to radical self-acceptance and compassion. Want to feel more love in your heart? Give it to yourself! Love is a verb. Yes, love can just happen – but we only make more (and feel more) by giving it away. And we can only give our children as much love as our own hearts can hold. Go ahead – stretch your heart. Every time you feel bad, for any reason, offer yourself love. You’ll be amazed how your life tranforms.
10. Keep Perspective. Sure, your kids will make mistakes, and so will you. There are no perfect parents, no perfect children, and no prefect families. But there are families who live in the embrace of great love, where everyone thrives. The only way to create that kind of family is to make daily choices that take you in that direction. It's not magic, just the hard work of course correction to stay on the right path. But if you look for it, you can always find trailmarks and support to beckon you onward to a more rewarding life. Just keep taking positive steps. Before you know it, you'll find your self in a whole new landscape.
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