Parents often tell me they don’t know where to begin to have a “real” conversation with their child. These questions will get you started. Rather than badgering your child with them, use one as the jumping off point for a two-way conversation. Start by asking your child the question, and listen to the answer, remembering to reflect back what she’s saying so she knows you understand. Don’t shy away from expressing your opinions, as long as you remember not to lecture; kids are often curious what parents think. The point is developing the habit of conversation and deepening your relationship. These questions also work well to launch dinner table conversations.
Getting to Know Your Child
• What are the three most interesting things about you?
• Name five reasons you’re glad to be alive.
• What’s your favorite song? Why?
• What’s your favorite movie? Why? What do you think the “take-away” message of this movie is?
• Why do you think kids put rings in their eyebrows and noses and bellybuttons? How about tattoos? Do you think you would ever want to do that? Why or why not?
• If we could go anywhere you wanted on vacation, where would you choose? Why? • If you could have a conversation with anyone in history, who would it be? What would you want to ask them? • What is your biggest fear? • What are you most proud of?
Family
• On a scale of 1 to 10, how strict are the parents in this family? What is the ideal number?
• What’s the best thing about our family?
• What do you think are the most important qualities of a good parent?
• What do you think makes a happy family?
• Do blended families take more work? Can they be as happy as birth families?
• Do you think it’s harder for adopted kids? Do you think it’s a good idea for them to look up their birth parents? Why or why not?
• Tell each person in the family why you’re glad they’re part of the family.
• How do you think our family is the same or different from other families?
• Do you want to have kids when you grow up? Why or why not? What kind of parent will you be?
Values
• What do you think makes a person popular? Are wealthier kids more popular? Kids who mature faster? Are you popular? Why or why not? Would you like to be?
• What kinds of lies do your friends tell their parents?
• What would you do if all the other kids were planning to cheat on the final and you knew that not doing so would lower your grade? How common do you think cheating is at your school? Is it ever ok to cheat, in academics, sports, business?
• Do you think it’s okay to lie about your age to get into an amusement park with a cheaper ticket? Is it ever ok to lie?
• What do you think makes the most difference in how kids do at school? Hard work, innate ability, parental supervision, peer attitudes, how good the school is? Do you think it makes sense to admit students to a college based only on academic achievement, or should an attempt be made to achieve racial and ethnic diversity as well? Do you think kids from wealthier school districts have an unfair advantage?
• Does it matter if a person makes a moral or immoral choice, if no one ever knows?
Love, Sex & Marriage
• At what age do you think people can fall in love? At what age should people marry?
• Do you think people should be married to have sex? If not, how should they decide whether they’re ready?
• What do you think changes when you have sex?
• How do you think love is different in real life than it is in the movies?
• Do you think any of the kids at school are not virgins? What do you think about that?
• Do kids at your school actually “date”? What do you think about the idea of “friends with benefits”? Does the girl benefit as much as the guy? Do you think girls and guys have the same needs from sex and relationships?
• Do you know anyone who’s gay? Does anyone treat them differently? What do you think about that?
• Why do you think people get divorced? How do you think it affects the kids?
Drug and Alcohol use
• Why is it bad for kids to drink alcohol? After all, many parents do it.
• When do you think kids are ready to try alcohol?
• What would you do if you were at a party and someone passed out from drinking alcohol?
• What would you do if you were in a car and the driver had been drinking or smoking marijuana?
• What do the kids at your school do at parties? Have you been to a party like that? Have you ever been offered a drink? A marijuana cigarette or other drugs? How did you handle it?
• What do you think happens in the brain when people smoke marijuana? Why shouldn't kids smoke it?
• Do you think coffee is a drug? When do you think it’s ok for kids to start drinking coffee?
Body Image and Gender Roles
• How do you think ordinary peoples’ bodies compare to the models and actors on TV? How does it make you feel to watch them?
• What do you think of the way girls and guys in high school dress these days?
• How would you define “sexy”? Is it important to be “sexy”? Are some of the kids at school sexy? How does someone know if they’re sexy? Is it important that your future boyfriend or girlfriend be sexy? What are the most important qualities you would want in a boyfriend or girlfriend?
• Do you think most girls are glad when they reach puberty? Why or why not? Do you think most guys are glad when they reach puberty? Why or why not?
• Do you know anyone with an eating disorder? Why do you think kids develop eating disorders? Why do you think there’s such an emphasis on thin-ness in our society?
Spirituality
• Do you believe in God? Why or why not? If so, how do you picture God?
• Do you ever talk to God?
• Is spirituality the same as religion or different? Has religion played a positive or negative role in history?
• Do you have good friends who practice religions that are different from ours? Acquaintances? How are you like them? How are you different? Do you think there is one best religion? Why or why not?
• What do you think happens after death?
• What do you think is the meaning of life? Why are we alive? How will you know if you’ve had a successful life?
Dr. Laura Markham
As both a mom and a Clinical Psychologist with a Ph.D. from Columbia University, Dr. Laura Markham translates proven science into the practical solutions you need for the family life you want.
ChildSharing: $39.99 Online Divorce Parenting Classes
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Happiness-Marriage-Love-Divorce-Suicide-Peace Within-college
Too many of us seem to think that there should be 24-7 happiness in our life,
so when there is problems in a marriage the temptation for affairs and divorce is there.
But where ever we are in our life, in or out of love, single or in a long term relationship or marriage, there is no 24-7 happiness.
There are happy moments to cherish and to hold us through the trials.
Society has lead us to believe we should be happy and beautiful at all times
and with someone happy and beautiful at all times.
The most important thing to remember when we are sad, are have feelings of depression or suicidal thoughts, is that we don’t know what the next moment will bring, perhaps the rainbow after the rain. Love could come at any moment,
life changes sometime suddenly, sometime over a long period of time.
Than there are those of us who dream.
But we don’t want to work to make our dreams come true.
We want them to magically happen, and when they don’t or we can’t reach them so often we give up on everything, when we should find a new dream, a new direction in life.
Tip! Ensuring that your teens have support from friends and family. Research suggests that support from extended members of your family and community can make a world of difference when it comes to having your teens successfully survive a divorce.
There is a old song that has great truth in it,when you can’t be with the one you love the one you are with.
Each of us have hidden talents,love and friendship that can be given to others,if you see a lonely person,be a friend.
To have a friend,be a friend.
Tip! Expect your income to drop after the divorce is final.
Loneliness ends where friendship begins.
Peace Within
In a search for peace within,
I have found some questions and a few answers.
Regrets
Have I any regrets?
1. List all regrets.
One side of regrets,are things that have never been done?
Try to find a way to do them.
The other side of regrets are things done wrong.
Realize this was only a learning experience.
Time to move on.
Tip! Announce your decision to get a ‘divorce.
Dreams
Can I have my dreams come true?
2.Realize which dreams are unattainable,
and which dreams are realistic.
List ways of making them come true.
Remember dreams don’t always come to you.
You have to go to them.
List realistic dreams and ways to obtain them.
What if I have failed?
Failure
List Failures.
Than list the learning experience.
Failures are a very important tool of life,
They make us stronger, and wiser
Advice to parents who’s child is entering college.
Make sure that your child has taken two foreign language credits ,so they will qualify for Tops scholarships.
Tip! This is easy and I can do it completely myself. Partially true but BEWARE! Divorce can be complex or it can be simple.
Ask your high school counselor for applications for scholarships ,they rarely suggest that to you,your student has to inquire.
As long as your student has a 2.5 there are a lot of scholarships that your student may qualify for, starting this process should be in the 10th grade
. The sooner the better. There will be a new word in your vocabulary ,called purge,
The way to avoid finding out the definition of this word is to make sure all financially aid is taken care of in advance,also make sure classes are confirmed.
Divorce & Custody Information Products. Practical Solutions To Divorce & Custody Concerns - Products Targeted To A Large & Needy Market Producing High Yields.
For those who will be living in a dorm make sure it is reserved. The Procrastinator will have problems.
Know the numbers of financialaid,comptrollers,admissions,housing.and
your college website.Be prepared.
Keep up with important information.
Be prepared for surprise financial problems ,such as the financial aid not coming though in time.
Stop Marriage Divorce eBook Amazing eBook to Help Save your Marriage & Stop Your Divorce.
Classes will be purged which means cancelled for your student if there is a financial problem.
A student has to have at least a 2.0 to qualify for financial assistance,which is harder than it sounds,college classes run shorter and are more difficult the high school classes were for your child.
Nothing is discussed concerning your child with the parent. But the university will accept your money.
Counselors at college are there for the purpose of advising classes for the major your child chooses, they don’t advice them on other issues.
Very intellect students who excelled in high school can find that they struggle in college.
Tip! Eat healthy foods. Divorce is a stress marathon - use extreme measures in your exercise and nutrition plans to remain healthy, or become healthy.
A student needs to developed good study skills.
College is very expensive and can lead to a huge financial loans that will have to be repaid.
It’s a hard struggle for both students and parents.
When one fails ,encourage them to seek a new direction for failure is not the end of the world.
Legally Save Thousands On Your Divorce. Legally Save Massive Amounts Of Money On Your Divorce.
The hardest thing there is for a parent is to let your child go,let them have their own experiences ,successes and failures,both good and bad,and learn from them and become strong responsible independent adults.
A college education is not for everyone,some have succeeded well without a formal education,but it does open doors of opportunities
Bio Of Judy Arline Puckett
I am currently residing in Monroe, La.
I begin writing at the age of 11, and I’m 54 now.
I am the mother of three and the grandmother of five.
I love creative writing, poetry, digital art, art, photography, jazz, and blues music.
I write poetry and lyrics on every topic. War, peace, love, heartache, religion, and abortion, which I oppose.
I hope to write meaningful and worthwhile words that will touch hearts and make a difference in life.
“A poet is the voice for those who are without words.”
- Judy Arline Puckett
Found this interesting - ChildSharing (Online Divorce Parenting Classes Only 39.99)
so when there is problems in a marriage the temptation for affairs and divorce is there.
But where ever we are in our life, in or out of love, single or in a long term relationship or marriage, there is no 24-7 happiness.
There are happy moments to cherish and to hold us through the trials.
Society has lead us to believe we should be happy and beautiful at all times
and with someone happy and beautiful at all times.
The most important thing to remember when we are sad, are have feelings of depression or suicidal thoughts, is that we don’t know what the next moment will bring, perhaps the rainbow after the rain. Love could come at any moment,
life changes sometime suddenly, sometime over a long period of time.
Than there are those of us who dream.
But we don’t want to work to make our dreams come true.
We want them to magically happen, and when they don’t or we can’t reach them so often we give up on everything, when we should find a new dream, a new direction in life.
Tip! Ensuring that your teens have support from friends and family. Research suggests that support from extended members of your family and community can make a world of difference when it comes to having your teens successfully survive a divorce.
There is a old song that has great truth in it,when you can’t be with the one you love the one you are with.
Each of us have hidden talents,love and friendship that can be given to others,if you see a lonely person,be a friend.
To have a friend,be a friend.
Tip! Expect your income to drop after the divorce is final.
Loneliness ends where friendship begins.
Peace Within
In a search for peace within,
I have found some questions and a few answers.
Regrets
Have I any regrets?
1. List all regrets.
One side of regrets,are things that have never been done?
Try to find a way to do them.
The other side of regrets are things done wrong.
Realize this was only a learning experience.
Time to move on.
Tip! Announce your decision to get a ‘divorce.
Dreams
Can I have my dreams come true?
2.Realize which dreams are unattainable,
and which dreams are realistic.
List ways of making them come true.
Remember dreams don’t always come to you.
You have to go to them.
List realistic dreams and ways to obtain them.
What if I have failed?
Failure
List Failures.
Than list the learning experience.
Failures are a very important tool of life,
They make us stronger, and wiser
Advice to parents who’s child is entering college.
Make sure that your child has taken two foreign language credits ,so they will qualify for Tops scholarships.
Tip! This is easy and I can do it completely myself. Partially true but BEWARE! Divorce can be complex or it can be simple.
Ask your high school counselor for applications for scholarships ,they rarely suggest that to you,your student has to inquire.
As long as your student has a 2.5 there are a lot of scholarships that your student may qualify for, starting this process should be in the 10th grade
. The sooner the better. There will be a new word in your vocabulary ,called purge,
The way to avoid finding out the definition of this word is to make sure all financially aid is taken care of in advance,also make sure classes are confirmed.
Divorce & Custody Information Products. Practical Solutions To Divorce & Custody Concerns - Products Targeted To A Large & Needy Market Producing High Yields.
For those who will be living in a dorm make sure it is reserved. The Procrastinator will have problems.
Know the numbers of financialaid,comptrollers,admissions,housing.and
your college website.Be prepared.
Keep up with important information.
Be prepared for surprise financial problems ,such as the financial aid not coming though in time.
Stop Marriage Divorce eBook Amazing eBook to Help Save your Marriage & Stop Your Divorce.
Classes will be purged which means cancelled for your student if there is a financial problem.
A student has to have at least a 2.0 to qualify for financial assistance,which is harder than it sounds,college classes run shorter and are more difficult the high school classes were for your child.
Nothing is discussed concerning your child with the parent. But the university will accept your money.
Counselors at college are there for the purpose of advising classes for the major your child chooses, they don’t advice them on other issues.
Very intellect students who excelled in high school can find that they struggle in college.
Tip! Eat healthy foods. Divorce is a stress marathon - use extreme measures in your exercise and nutrition plans to remain healthy, or become healthy.
A student needs to developed good study skills.
College is very expensive and can lead to a huge financial loans that will have to be repaid.
It’s a hard struggle for both students and parents.
When one fails ,encourage them to seek a new direction for failure is not the end of the world.
Legally Save Thousands On Your Divorce. Legally Save Massive Amounts Of Money On Your Divorce.
The hardest thing there is for a parent is to let your child go,let them have their own experiences ,successes and failures,both good and bad,and learn from them and become strong responsible independent adults.
A college education is not for everyone,some have succeeded well without a formal education,but it does open doors of opportunities
Bio Of Judy Arline Puckett
I am currently residing in Monroe, La.
I begin writing at the age of 11, and I’m 54 now.
I am the mother of three and the grandmother of five.
I love creative writing, poetry, digital art, art, photography, jazz, and blues music.
I write poetry and lyrics on every topic. War, peace, love, heartache, religion, and abortion, which I oppose.
I hope to write meaningful and worthwhile words that will touch hearts and make a difference in life.
“A poet is the voice for those who are without words.”
- Judy Arline Puckett
Found this interesting - ChildSharing (Online Divorce Parenting Classes Only 39.99)
Friday, March 20, 2009
DIY divorce
DIY divorce
By Meredith Goldstein
Globe Staff / March 18, 2009
Many miserable couples are just too poor these days to get a proper divorce.
Some have opted to wait it out until property values rise, jobs are secured, and alimony can be paid. Some are even cohabitating until the economy is back up and running.
Other cash-strapped couples aren't as willing to hang on until the market inflates. They've decided to divorce, but to save cash they're skimping on attorneys.
DIY divorces are pretty common these days. You can find the instructions and paperwork online. Websites such as www.easy-divorce.com, www.completecase.com, and www.mydivorcedocuments.com charge about as much - and make it look as easy - as TurboTax.
"Our online divorce volume has actually increased as the recession has deepened because couples are looking for a less expensive way to get divorced rather than spend thousands of dollars on legal fees," e-mailed Richard Granat, a lawyer who specializes in online law services and runs a number of state-specific sites including www.madivorceonline.com.
Doing a divorce pro se (that's what the courts call self-representation) is certainly possible, as is representing yourself in any legal matter. But is it wise?
To my surprise, I found a lawyer who isn't opposed to turning away business and telling people to take matters in their own hands. Steven Ballard, a divorce attorney in Wellesley Hills and Worcester, says we live in a DIY world. Some people are capable of undoing their own bad situations, especially when those bad situations are simple.
"The reality is that people can represent themselves in many cases," Ballard says. "It's been my practice to tell clients . . . they can handle the divorce themselves. If there are little in the way of assets to divide, if there are no children, there's no reason people shouldn't go into court and grab the papers themselves." Ballard recommends the book "How to File for Divorce in Massachusetts" by Sharyn T. Sooho and Steven L Fuchs.
Ballard gives a disclaimer: If there are issues with custody and assets, it's worth hiring representation. Of course, Ballard's friend Laurie Israel, a Brookline attorney, would argue that all divorces are complicated, even the ones that appear to be simple.
"I know it's horrible to pay legal fees. I know I wouldn't like it myself," Israel says. "It seems like you should be able to do it, but there are all these pitfalls."
Israel says there's no smart way around lawyers. Often, couples who do the paperwork themselves wind up hiring lawyers later on to undo their mistakes. Even couples who come to an agreement about the terms of their divorce before seeking legal representation wind up making the process more expensive once one of the parties realizes he or she has given up too much.
"You don't know what's fair until you're a divorce lawyer," she says.
Paula M. Carey, chief justice of the Probate and Family Court, says that despite the cons of DIY divorce, it's happening, so the state must address the trend. "The economy has caused more and more people to be self-represented," she said.
Couples have always been able to take advantage of the court's lawyer-for-a-day program, which is basically free legal advice. If they live in Suffolk, Norfolk, or Hampden counties, divorcing people are also allowed to hire lawyers for specific portions of their cases. That's a new trend in Massachusetts - the unbundling of legal services to make them more affordable.
The state has seen such an influx of pro se cases, specifically in family court, that it has started educating the public about how to use the system without help. The Norfolk Probate and Family Court hosts a seminar at 7 p.m. on the last Wednesday of every month at Canton High School.
At the very least, the classes can help couples on the fence decide whether DIY law is wise. Israel would say ending a marriage is never as simple as it seems.
Meredith Goldstein can be reached at mgoldstein@globe.com. You can read her daily Love Letters dispatch and chat with her every Wednesday at 1 p.m. at www.boston.com/loveletters.
© Copyright 2009 Globe Newspaper Company.
http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/articles/2009/03/18/diy_divorce/
By Meredith Goldstein
Globe Staff / March 18, 2009
Many miserable couples are just too poor these days to get a proper divorce.
Some have opted to wait it out until property values rise, jobs are secured, and alimony can be paid. Some are even cohabitating until the economy is back up and running.
Other cash-strapped couples aren't as willing to hang on until the market inflates. They've decided to divorce, but to save cash they're skimping on attorneys.
DIY divorces are pretty common these days. You can find the instructions and paperwork online. Websites such as www.easy-divorce.com, www.completecase.com, and www.mydivorcedocuments.com charge about as much - and make it look as easy - as TurboTax.
"Our online divorce volume has actually increased as the recession has deepened because couples are looking for a less expensive way to get divorced rather than spend thousands of dollars on legal fees," e-mailed Richard Granat, a lawyer who specializes in online law services and runs a number of state-specific sites including www.madivorceonline.com.
Doing a divorce pro se (that's what the courts call self-representation) is certainly possible, as is representing yourself in any legal matter. But is it wise?
To my surprise, I found a lawyer who isn't opposed to turning away business and telling people to take matters in their own hands. Steven Ballard, a divorce attorney in Wellesley Hills and Worcester, says we live in a DIY world. Some people are capable of undoing their own bad situations, especially when those bad situations are simple.
"The reality is that people can represent themselves in many cases," Ballard says. "It's been my practice to tell clients . . . they can handle the divorce themselves. If there are little in the way of assets to divide, if there are no children, there's no reason people shouldn't go into court and grab the papers themselves." Ballard recommends the book "How to File for Divorce in Massachusetts" by Sharyn T. Sooho and Steven L Fuchs.
Ballard gives a disclaimer: If there are issues with custody and assets, it's worth hiring representation. Of course, Ballard's friend Laurie Israel, a Brookline attorney, would argue that all divorces are complicated, even the ones that appear to be simple.
"I know it's horrible to pay legal fees. I know I wouldn't like it myself," Israel says. "It seems like you should be able to do it, but there are all these pitfalls."
Israel says there's no smart way around lawyers. Often, couples who do the paperwork themselves wind up hiring lawyers later on to undo their mistakes. Even couples who come to an agreement about the terms of their divorce before seeking legal representation wind up making the process more expensive once one of the parties realizes he or she has given up too much.
"You don't know what's fair until you're a divorce lawyer," she says.
Paula M. Carey, chief justice of the Probate and Family Court, says that despite the cons of DIY divorce, it's happening, so the state must address the trend. "The economy has caused more and more people to be self-represented," she said.
Couples have always been able to take advantage of the court's lawyer-for-a-day program, which is basically free legal advice. If they live in Suffolk, Norfolk, or Hampden counties, divorcing people are also allowed to hire lawyers for specific portions of their cases. That's a new trend in Massachusetts - the unbundling of legal services to make them more affordable.
The state has seen such an influx of pro se cases, specifically in family court, that it has started educating the public about how to use the system without help. The Norfolk Probate and Family Court hosts a seminar at 7 p.m. on the last Wednesday of every month at Canton High School.
At the very least, the classes can help couples on the fence decide whether DIY law is wise. Israel would say ending a marriage is never as simple as it seems.
Meredith Goldstein can be reached at mgoldstein@globe.com. You can read her daily Love Letters dispatch and chat with her every Wednesday at 1 p.m. at www.boston.com/loveletters.
© Copyright 2009 Globe Newspaper Company.
http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/articles/2009/03/18/diy_divorce/
Support Groups for Divorce Recovery
I found this information and though it relevant:
Support Groups for Divorce Recovery
Filed Under Divorce
divorce
James Walsh asked:
What is a Divorce Recovery Support Group?
As the name suggests, it is a support group for divorcer. The group comprises of many divorcers who get together under the trained guidance of therapists and divorce counsellors to discuss their mutual situations. The group provides support and guidance to divorcers about their newfound life status. The group follows a format of discussion, introspection and frank communication.
Divorcers are encouraged to talk about their personal divorce experiences. A feeling of companionship is created. Divorcers share and give advice to each other. The divorce recovery support group is based on the knowledge that shared information and advice among fellow members have more impact than individual professional intervention. Divorcers get to know where they went wrong and where they are going wrong. The group also acts as a meeting place. Divorcers meet like-minded people and are able to strike friendships.
Objectives
Set Short Term and Long Term Goals: The divorce recovery support group helps a divorcer to devise a new plan for his or her new life. It helps the divorcer to adjust to the new situation. It propels the divorcer to look within and chart new priorities and expectations. These include:
Dealing with Child Custody Issues: The group helps the divorcer to come to terms with reality. It teaches the individual acceptance especially in the case of child custody. The divorcer realizes that he or she should not divorce the child. The child should always form top priority no matter what the situation. The divorcer has to keep in constant touch with the child. The divorcer outlines following guidelines after opening up to members of the recovery group:
Continuous direct communication through physical visits, emails, phones and letters
Conducting a cordial relationship with ex in front of child
Not criticizing or abusing, blaming ex in front of child
Maintaining and following court ordered visitation schedules regularly
Being actively involved in child’s life
Ensuring child knows everything about your new life
Developing Financial Goals: The divorcer has to create new financial targets. These fall into three categories of short-term and immediate targets, medium and long-term goals. The divorcer determines these goals in accordance with importance. He or she has to decide what has to be achieved at once and what can be achieved slowly. The recovery group helps the divorcer realize that the achievement of short-term goals ensures the fulfilment of long-term goals.
Short-term Goals
Setting up individual bank account
Reverting to maiden name on important documents
Changing residence and leasing a house which will have a separate room for the child
Applying for individual credit card
Seeking a change in professional work status
Reducing expenses
Long-term and Medium Goals
Meeting new people and developing/ widening social circle
Dating leading to physically intimate encounters
Remarrying
Getting involved in enjoyable hobbies and interests
Making new investments i.e. purchasing a new house
Investing in bonds and financial schemes to increase personal income
Setting up a child maintenance trust
Physical Changes: The recovery group holds that a divorcer has to let go of emotional baggage before starting a new chapter of life. Getting a physical makeover forms a big part of this initiative. The support group forces a divorcer to quit depression and regain self-esteem. Usually, groups of divorcers visit a parlour and get a makeover done at the same time. This increases the communal feeling of not being alone. It also allows the divorcer to share private marital information in a non-structured environment.
The logic is that a physical change helps the divorcer to regain his or her self-belief and confidence. Adjustment on an emotional and cognitive level can only come if the individual feels confident about physical self.
Online Divorce Recovery Groups: Nowadays online divorce recovery groups are making headway. These groups do not focus on a single area. They deal with divorcers during and after divorce. They provide online lectures on life post-divorce. The online classes also help divorcers to be informed about divorce law and amendments.
Usually, divorcers and individuals intending to get divorced, divorce counsellors and therapists form part of the group. Online recovery groups afford privacy and convenience. It often happens that divorcers or couples trying to file papers feel embarrassed about face-to-face contact. It could also be that some divorcers feel ashamed to talk about personal feelings and thoughts in front of other people. Online groups step in allowing the individual to heal oneself privately.
The group provides information about legal procedures and documents. It also garners support for populous issues of child custody and spousal maintenance.
Author
CHELSEA
Online Divorce Parenting Classes Only 39.99 www.ChildSharing.com
Support Groups for Divorce Recovery
Filed Under Divorce
divorce
James Walsh asked:
What is a Divorce Recovery Support Group?
As the name suggests, it is a support group for divorcer. The group comprises of many divorcers who get together under the trained guidance of therapists and divorce counsellors to discuss their mutual situations. The group provides support and guidance to divorcers about their newfound life status. The group follows a format of discussion, introspection and frank communication.
Divorcers are encouraged to talk about their personal divorce experiences. A feeling of companionship is created. Divorcers share and give advice to each other. The divorce recovery support group is based on the knowledge that shared information and advice among fellow members have more impact than individual professional intervention. Divorcers get to know where they went wrong and where they are going wrong. The group also acts as a meeting place. Divorcers meet like-minded people and are able to strike friendships.
Objectives
Set Short Term and Long Term Goals: The divorce recovery support group helps a divorcer to devise a new plan for his or her new life. It helps the divorcer to adjust to the new situation. It propels the divorcer to look within and chart new priorities and expectations. These include:
Dealing with Child Custody Issues: The group helps the divorcer to come to terms with reality. It teaches the individual acceptance especially in the case of child custody. The divorcer realizes that he or she should not divorce the child. The child should always form top priority no matter what the situation. The divorcer has to keep in constant touch with the child. The divorcer outlines following guidelines after opening up to members of the recovery group:
Continuous direct communication through physical visits, emails, phones and letters
Conducting a cordial relationship with ex in front of child
Not criticizing or abusing, blaming ex in front of child
Maintaining and following court ordered visitation schedules regularly
Being actively involved in child’s life
Ensuring child knows everything about your new life
Developing Financial Goals: The divorcer has to create new financial targets. These fall into three categories of short-term and immediate targets, medium and long-term goals. The divorcer determines these goals in accordance with importance. He or she has to decide what has to be achieved at once and what can be achieved slowly. The recovery group helps the divorcer realize that the achievement of short-term goals ensures the fulfilment of long-term goals.
Short-term Goals
Setting up individual bank account
Reverting to maiden name on important documents
Changing residence and leasing a house which will have a separate room for the child
Applying for individual credit card
Seeking a change in professional work status
Reducing expenses
Long-term and Medium Goals
Meeting new people and developing/ widening social circle
Dating leading to physically intimate encounters
Remarrying
Getting involved in enjoyable hobbies and interests
Making new investments i.e. purchasing a new house
Investing in bonds and financial schemes to increase personal income
Setting up a child maintenance trust
Physical Changes: The recovery group holds that a divorcer has to let go of emotional baggage before starting a new chapter of life. Getting a physical makeover forms a big part of this initiative. The support group forces a divorcer to quit depression and regain self-esteem. Usually, groups of divorcers visit a parlour and get a makeover done at the same time. This increases the communal feeling of not being alone. It also allows the divorcer to share private marital information in a non-structured environment.
The logic is that a physical change helps the divorcer to regain his or her self-belief and confidence. Adjustment on an emotional and cognitive level can only come if the individual feels confident about physical self.
Online Divorce Recovery Groups: Nowadays online divorce recovery groups are making headway. These groups do not focus on a single area. They deal with divorcers during and after divorce. They provide online lectures on life post-divorce. The online classes also help divorcers to be informed about divorce law and amendments.
Usually, divorcers and individuals intending to get divorced, divorce counsellors and therapists form part of the group. Online recovery groups afford privacy and convenience. It often happens that divorcers or couples trying to file papers feel embarrassed about face-to-face contact. It could also be that some divorcers feel ashamed to talk about personal feelings and thoughts in front of other people. Online groups step in allowing the individual to heal oneself privately.
The group provides information about legal procedures and documents. It also garners support for populous issues of child custody and spousal maintenance.
Author
CHELSEA
Online Divorce Parenting Classes Only 39.99 www.ChildSharing.com
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
7 Dating Tips For Single Moms - How To Start Dating Again
Once your divorce was final, after having endured alimony, child support and custody issues you proclaimed that you'd sworn off all men and were content to live a life in blissful solitude.
However, now that several months have passed, those dating pool waters don't seem quite as murky and you're feeling ready to take the plunge and find that love connection that eluded you the first time around.
Yet, just thinking about going on a first date makes you feel jittery and the fact that you've got a few kids in tow is adding to your case of cold feet. Well, check out these seven dating tips for single moms that will help you to get back in the dating game with a renewed sense of confidence.
1. Go online
According to Dr. Pepper Schwartz, chief relationship expert at PerfectMatch.com, online dating web sites offer single moms a great venue to put themselves back out in the dating market. And the fact that it can be done during naps, school time, or late at night, accompanied by a cup of hot tea or a glass of wine makes it pretty time effective too!
2. Enlist your married friends to help you find love
Whether it's inviting you to an old-fashioned dinner party or helping you set up your online dating profile, Dr. Schwartz believes married friends are the perfect people to help you do something on behalf of your romantic future.
It's easy to lose your nerve or just want to go relax after work, but if you enlist your friends in your romantic quest, they won't let you off the hook that easily. And don't let them off the hook either. When pressed, people know many more eligible people than they think they do!
3. Learn more about yourself, and what you need in love
If you've been out of the dating world for a long time, it's important to take some time and get to know yourself and your needs better, notes Dr. Schwartz. Learning more about yourself will help you get a greater understanding of what you want at this stage of your life and with whom you'd ultimately share compatibility.
4. Develop a dating action plan
According to Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman, author of Dating from the Inside Out and director of My Dating School in Manhattan, single moms should take consistent action towards their goal of meeting someone.
They should make it a point to get childcare once or twice a week during which time they should attend singles events or set up online dates. They should also put the word out to everyone they know that they're ready to find a great mate.
5. Take a class
It can be a win-win to take a class that you love and to meet new people in the process, says Dr. Kouffman Sherman. Since single moms are always giving to others, it can be rewarding to do something fun every week that's just for them and get out of the house and mingle with other adults.
6. Look for other single moms to lend support:
Dr. Kouffman Sherman advises single moms to create their very own single mom support network. Attending single events together and trading off sharing babysitting duties will give them an opportunity to not only go out more often but will also help them stay focused on their romance goals.
7. Talk to your child
If your kids are old enough, Dr. Kouffman Sherman says it's important to let them know that even though you go out sometimes to meet friends, you are always available by phone and they are still your priority.
Single moms should only introduce their child to dates when it becomes exclusive and serious. Otherwise it can become confusing for a child to have a carousel of potential suitors to meet and they may get attached and disappointed when it does not work out.
Taken From SheKnows.com
For Information on Online Parenting Classes check out www.ChildSharing.com
However, now that several months have passed, those dating pool waters don't seem quite as murky and you're feeling ready to take the plunge and find that love connection that eluded you the first time around.
Yet, just thinking about going on a first date makes you feel jittery and the fact that you've got a few kids in tow is adding to your case of cold feet. Well, check out these seven dating tips for single moms that will help you to get back in the dating game with a renewed sense of confidence.
1. Go online
According to Dr. Pepper Schwartz, chief relationship expert at PerfectMatch.com, online dating web sites offer single moms a great venue to put themselves back out in the dating market. And the fact that it can be done during naps, school time, or late at night, accompanied by a cup of hot tea or a glass of wine makes it pretty time effective too!
2. Enlist your married friends to help you find love
Whether it's inviting you to an old-fashioned dinner party or helping you set up your online dating profile, Dr. Schwartz believes married friends are the perfect people to help you do something on behalf of your romantic future.
It's easy to lose your nerve or just want to go relax after work, but if you enlist your friends in your romantic quest, they won't let you off the hook that easily. And don't let them off the hook either. When pressed, people know many more eligible people than they think they do!
3. Learn more about yourself, and what you need in love
If you've been out of the dating world for a long time, it's important to take some time and get to know yourself and your needs better, notes Dr. Schwartz. Learning more about yourself will help you get a greater understanding of what you want at this stage of your life and with whom you'd ultimately share compatibility.
4. Develop a dating action plan
According to Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman, author of Dating from the Inside Out and director of My Dating School in Manhattan, single moms should take consistent action towards their goal of meeting someone.
They should make it a point to get childcare once or twice a week during which time they should attend singles events or set up online dates. They should also put the word out to everyone they know that they're ready to find a great mate.
5. Take a class
It can be a win-win to take a class that you love and to meet new people in the process, says Dr. Kouffman Sherman. Since single moms are always giving to others, it can be rewarding to do something fun every week that's just for them and get out of the house and mingle with other adults.
6. Look for other single moms to lend support:
Dr. Kouffman Sherman advises single moms to create their very own single mom support network. Attending single events together and trading off sharing babysitting duties will give them an opportunity to not only go out more often but will also help them stay focused on their romance goals.
7. Talk to your child
If your kids are old enough, Dr. Kouffman Sherman says it's important to let them know that even though you go out sometimes to meet friends, you are always available by phone and they are still your priority.
Single moms should only introduce their child to dates when it becomes exclusive and serious. Otherwise it can become confusing for a child to have a carousel of potential suitors to meet and they may get attached and disappointed when it does not work out.
Taken From SheKnows.com
For Information on Online Parenting Classes check out www.ChildSharing.com
Monday, March 16, 2009
Recovery Efforts Announced by President Obama Today
WASHINGTON - The following statement was issued today by Acting Administrator Darryl K. Hairston of the U.S. Small Business Administration following the announcement by President Barack Obama of important steps being taken by the SBA and the U.S. Department of Treasury to address the economic challenges facing small businesses and entrepreneurs across the country.
"U.S. small businesses employ about half our nation's workers and over the last decade have created about 70 percent of all new jobs. But their access to credit and lending markets has dried up, making it harder every day for small businesses to keep their doors open and their employees working. American small businesses are one of the strongest engines for economic prosperity in the world, and we can't let this crisis continue to undermine their growth and potential. Today President Obama reiterated his belief that we owe it to America's small businesses to be the partner they need in the midst of this crisis. At SBA, we couldn't agree more.
"SBA this week is implementing two key provisions laid out in the Recovery Act - we are temporarily eliminating certain loan fees and raising guarantees on some 7(a) loans up to 90 percent. With these critical steps by SBA, and the Treasury Department's commitment of up to $15 billion aimed at getting lending markets flowing again, we are standing up with small business owners across this country and telling them how we are going to put much-needed capital in their hands.
"We hope small businesses will take the opportunity to ask their banks about the SBA loans that might be available to them. And, we encourage community banks and other lenders to work with us to reach as many qualified borrowers as we can during these difficult times."
Beginning today, the SBA will:
• Temporarily raise guarantees to up to 90 percent on SBA's 7(a) loan program, through calendar year 2009, or until the funds are exhausted. This increase in guarantee levels will help provide banks with the greater confidence they need to extend credit during the current recession, will mean more capital available to small business owners around the country.
• Temporarily eliminate fees for borrowers on SBA 7(a) loans and for both borrowers and lenders on 504 Certified Development Company loans, through calendar year 2009, or until the funds are exhausted. This will mean more capital available to small businesses at a lower cost. The fee elimination is retroactive to February 17, the day the Recovery Act was signed. SBA is developing a mechanism for refunding fees paid on loans since then.
Additionally, the President announced today that the Treasury Department will commit up to $15 billion to help unlock the frozen credit markets by purchasing small business loan securities currently frozen on the secondary market. By purchasing these securities, it will unlock these secondary markets, and in turn, free up more capital to jumpstart lending for small business owners. The SBA has worked closely with the Treasury Department to address the need to unlock these secondary markets for SBA loans.
For more information on the SBA and Treasury initiatives announced today by the President, visit the SBA Web site at www.sba.gov.
# # #
Cheers-
ChildSharing.com (online court mandated parenting classes only 39.99)
"U.S. small businesses employ about half our nation's workers and over the last decade have created about 70 percent of all new jobs. But their access to credit and lending markets has dried up, making it harder every day for small businesses to keep their doors open and their employees working. American small businesses are one of the strongest engines for economic prosperity in the world, and we can't let this crisis continue to undermine their growth and potential. Today President Obama reiterated his belief that we owe it to America's small businesses to be the partner they need in the midst of this crisis. At SBA, we couldn't agree more.
"SBA this week is implementing two key provisions laid out in the Recovery Act - we are temporarily eliminating certain loan fees and raising guarantees on some 7(a) loans up to 90 percent. With these critical steps by SBA, and the Treasury Department's commitment of up to $15 billion aimed at getting lending markets flowing again, we are standing up with small business owners across this country and telling them how we are going to put much-needed capital in their hands.
"We hope small businesses will take the opportunity to ask their banks about the SBA loans that might be available to them. And, we encourage community banks and other lenders to work with us to reach as many qualified borrowers as we can during these difficult times."
Beginning today, the SBA will:
• Temporarily raise guarantees to up to 90 percent on SBA's 7(a) loan program, through calendar year 2009, or until the funds are exhausted. This increase in guarantee levels will help provide banks with the greater confidence they need to extend credit during the current recession, will mean more capital available to small business owners around the country.
• Temporarily eliminate fees for borrowers on SBA 7(a) loans and for both borrowers and lenders on 504 Certified Development Company loans, through calendar year 2009, or until the funds are exhausted. This will mean more capital available to small businesses at a lower cost. The fee elimination is retroactive to February 17, the day the Recovery Act was signed. SBA is developing a mechanism for refunding fees paid on loans since then.
Additionally, the President announced today that the Treasury Department will commit up to $15 billion to help unlock the frozen credit markets by purchasing small business loan securities currently frozen on the secondary market. By purchasing these securities, it will unlock these secondary markets, and in turn, free up more capital to jumpstart lending for small business owners. The SBA has worked closely with the Treasury Department to address the need to unlock these secondary markets for SBA loans.
For more information on the SBA and Treasury initiatives announced today by the President, visit the SBA Web site at www.sba.gov.
# # #
Cheers-
ChildSharing.com (online court mandated parenting classes only 39.99)
Friday, March 13, 2009
Gov. Schwarzenegger Launches Federal Economic Stimulus Transparency & Accountability Website for Californians
Gov. Schwarzenegger Launches Federal Economic Stimulus
Transparency & Accountability Website for Californians
Web Site To Be Updated As State Receives & Expends Federal Funds
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today launched www.recovery.ca.gov to ensure transparency and accountability of federal economic stimulus funding as it is received and expended by the state. The launch happens the day after Schwarzenegger Administration officials attended a White House conference on federal economic stimulus in Washington, DC. The Web site will provide Californians with new tools to monitor ongoing American Recovery and Reinvestment Act activity and provide up-to-date information about how and when their federal tax dollars are spent. As information becomes available, the Web site will also post the geographic distribution of expenditures through the use of digital mapping technology.
"We are working hand-in-hand with President Obama to help put Californians back to work and revitalize our economy," said Governor Schwarzenegger. "We are fighting for every federal stimulus dollar - and will work to ensure each dollar is spent effectively and with transparency and accountability."
In addition to providing information on federal funds as they are received and expended, the Web site will also be used by the state to fulfill federal reporting requirements. The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act requires states and other grantees to report project status, spending, and job creation and retention to the public on a regular basis.
Reporting included on the Web site will also include announcements for grant competitions, allocations of formula grants and awards of competitive grants. The President's Council of Economic Advisers will report quarterly on the estimated impact on employment and economic growth.
www.recovery.ca.gov
Transparency & Accountability Website for Californians
Web Site To Be Updated As State Receives & Expends Federal Funds
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today launched www.recovery.ca.gov to ensure transparency and accountability of federal economic stimulus funding as it is received and expended by the state. The launch happens the day after Schwarzenegger Administration officials attended a White House conference on federal economic stimulus in Washington, DC. The Web site will provide Californians with new tools to monitor ongoing American Recovery and Reinvestment Act activity and provide up-to-date information about how and when their federal tax dollars are spent. As information becomes available, the Web site will also post the geographic distribution of expenditures through the use of digital mapping technology.
"We are working hand-in-hand with President Obama to help put Californians back to work and revitalize our economy," said Governor Schwarzenegger. "We are fighting for every federal stimulus dollar - and will work to ensure each dollar is spent effectively and with transparency and accountability."
In addition to providing information on federal funds as they are received and expended, the Web site will also be used by the state to fulfill federal reporting requirements. The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act requires states and other grantees to report project status, spending, and job creation and retention to the public on a regular basis.
Reporting included on the Web site will also include announcements for grant competitions, allocations of formula grants and awards of competitive grants. The President's Council of Economic Advisers will report quarterly on the estimated impact on employment and economic growth.
www.recovery.ca.gov
Focus on the Family’s Truth Project Expands its Reach
Good News: Focus on the Family’s Truth Project Expands its Reach
Focus on the Family's Truth Project has been seen by an estimated 1.3 million people in two dozen countries. Those numbers are expected to multiply this year.
The DVD-based small-group curriculum is designed to teach Christians how to communicate a biblical worldview.
An Arabic version is in production, and it is soon to be released in French and Spanish.
“I pray the Lord is going to bless that, and that, if He puts his hand upon it, we are going to see Him work throughout Central and South America,” said Dr. Del Tackett, host of The Truth Project and a senior vice president at Focus on the Family.
A new, college-bound edition of The Truth Project aims to give students a foundation that will hold up in a university setting.
“Our younger audiences don’t necessarily understand the Bible as being the Word of God,” said Marc Fey, executive director of Community Impact Outreach at Focus on the Family. “The culture has really come against that truth.”
FOR MORE INFORMATION
Visit The Truth Project online.
— Elizabeth Jensen
Focus on the Family's Truth Project has been seen by an estimated 1.3 million people in two dozen countries. Those numbers are expected to multiply this year.
The DVD-based small-group curriculum is designed to teach Christians how to communicate a biblical worldview.
An Arabic version is in production, and it is soon to be released in French and Spanish.
“I pray the Lord is going to bless that, and that, if He puts his hand upon it, we are going to see Him work throughout Central and South America,” said Dr. Del Tackett, host of The Truth Project and a senior vice president at Focus on the Family.
A new, college-bound edition of The Truth Project aims to give students a foundation that will hold up in a university setting.
“Our younger audiences don’t necessarily understand the Bible as being the Word of God,” said Marc Fey, executive director of Community Impact Outreach at Focus on the Family. “The culture has really come against that truth.”
FOR MORE INFORMATION
Visit The Truth Project online.
— Elizabeth Jensen
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Parental Alienation – a Divorce Disaster Sure to Alienate Your Children
Parental Alienation – when one or both divorcing parents attempts to negatively influence their children about the other parent -- is one of the most terrible outcomes of a divorce gone bad. It’s a difficult and complex subject, but the outcome is always the same. Children who are emotionally scarred.
When you mix two egos with dramatically differing perspectives, you’re bound to get an entanglement of emotions compounded by allegations, defensiveness and self-righteousness. Unfortunately, no one wins when parental alienation runs its course during and after a divorce. But it’s the children in particular who lose in a big way. Many of them are affected for life.
Behind parental alimentation are parents who feel totally justified in hating, resenting or otherwise distancing themselves from their former spouse. They fail to take into account how this might psychologically play out in an innocent child who naturally loves both parents. Backed by the strength of their convictions, these parents feel validated in negatively influencing their children’s attitude toward the other parent. Whether its overt put-downs, disparaging comments or more subtle nuances of distain, they make it clear that they do not like, respect or trust the other parent. The message to the children creates confusion mixed with anxiety, insecurity, guilt and fear.
What’s a child to do when one of their parents says the other parent, who is genetically a part of them, is bad, wrong, hateful, or not worthy of their love? How should a child handle the burden of learning “truths” about their other parent that only an adult can comprehend? Who can a child turn to when Mom is putting down Dad (or vice versa) and it makes them angry, frightened or resentful?
Parents need to think before they act. They need to look ahead to the consequences before they share secrets that no child should have to know – before they take the innocence of childhood from children who are totally powerless to fix their adult problems. They need seek the counsel of professionals who can dispassionately help them make the right decision on their children’s behalf. Then they need to work on healing themselves.
Psychotherapist, JoAnn Simmons, MA, LMHC, and a contributor to my new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love!, offers some sound advice in her new book, Stop Looking … And Let True Love Find YOU! “There’s nothing that hurts more than a broken heart,” she notes. “Romantic love relationships are the toughest to release, especially if you feel wronged by your partner. A rocky romance often results in blaming the other person. Some people hold grudges for years. These grudges block the energy around your heart and tend to constrict giving and receiving love.”
This not only hurts your children, it hampers your ability to move on with your life in a healthy, productive way – and keeps you from attracting a happier, more successful new relationship into your life. “The longer we hold onto the past, the longer we stay stuck in negative feelings related to the past. You must let go of old resentments,” says Simmons.
The essential point here is that you don’t let go of those resentments in order to benefit your former spouse – or to let them off the hook. You let go so you can make a space for a better future for yourself. That better future will inevitably be better for your children, as well. So everyone wins.
Parental alienation is a sure way to risk alienating your children from you – if not today, in the years and decades ahead. When making decisions about your divorce, child custody issues, visitations, holiday celebrations and all the day-to-day activities that fill our busy lives, remember to be a parent first. Put aside your personal feelings about your former spouse. Stop – and see that other parent from your child’s perspective – as the Mom or Dad they deeply love.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
To view this and other articles go to www.ChildSharing.com
When you mix two egos with dramatically differing perspectives, you’re bound to get an entanglement of emotions compounded by allegations, defensiveness and self-righteousness. Unfortunately, no one wins when parental alienation runs its course during and after a divorce. But it’s the children in particular who lose in a big way. Many of them are affected for life.
Behind parental alimentation are parents who feel totally justified in hating, resenting or otherwise distancing themselves from their former spouse. They fail to take into account how this might psychologically play out in an innocent child who naturally loves both parents. Backed by the strength of their convictions, these parents feel validated in negatively influencing their children’s attitude toward the other parent. Whether its overt put-downs, disparaging comments or more subtle nuances of distain, they make it clear that they do not like, respect or trust the other parent. The message to the children creates confusion mixed with anxiety, insecurity, guilt and fear.
What’s a child to do when one of their parents says the other parent, who is genetically a part of them, is bad, wrong, hateful, or not worthy of their love? How should a child handle the burden of learning “truths” about their other parent that only an adult can comprehend? Who can a child turn to when Mom is putting down Dad (or vice versa) and it makes them angry, frightened or resentful?
Parents need to think before they act. They need to look ahead to the consequences before they share secrets that no child should have to know – before they take the innocence of childhood from children who are totally powerless to fix their adult problems. They need seek the counsel of professionals who can dispassionately help them make the right decision on their children’s behalf. Then they need to work on healing themselves.
Psychotherapist, JoAnn Simmons, MA, LMHC, and a contributor to my new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love!, offers some sound advice in her new book, Stop Looking … And Let True Love Find YOU! “There’s nothing that hurts more than a broken heart,” she notes. “Romantic love relationships are the toughest to release, especially if you feel wronged by your partner. A rocky romance often results in blaming the other person. Some people hold grudges for years. These grudges block the energy around your heart and tend to constrict giving and receiving love.”
This not only hurts your children, it hampers your ability to move on with your life in a healthy, productive way – and keeps you from attracting a happier, more successful new relationship into your life. “The longer we hold onto the past, the longer we stay stuck in negative feelings related to the past. You must let go of old resentments,” says Simmons.
The essential point here is that you don’t let go of those resentments in order to benefit your former spouse – or to let them off the hook. You let go so you can make a space for a better future for yourself. That better future will inevitably be better for your children, as well. So everyone wins.
Parental alienation is a sure way to risk alienating your children from you – if not today, in the years and decades ahead. When making decisions about your divorce, child custody issues, visitations, holiday celebrations and all the day-to-day activities that fill our busy lives, remember to be a parent first. Put aside your personal feelings about your former spouse. Stop – and see that other parent from your child’s perspective – as the Mom or Dad they deeply love.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
To view this and other articles go to www.ChildSharing.com
Friday, March 6, 2009
5 Must-Tell Messages to Prepare the Kids for Your Divorce
One of the most difficult conversations any parent will ever have is telling their children about their
pending divorce. I know first-hand because many years ago I went through the experience. I
fought and faced the overwhelming emotions. The deep gut-wrenching fear. The continuous
anxiety. The incredible guilt. And the oppressive weight of shame.
My son, after all, was innocent. A sweet, gentle soul who loved his father and mother dearly. He
certainly did not deserve this.
I struggled with the anxiety for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him?
Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY?
How do you explain to a child that the life he has known, the comfort he has felt in his family
setting, is about to be disrupted – changed – forever?
How do you explain to a child that none of this is his fault?
How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe, cared for and loved, even after
his parents divorce?
And, even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns looming ahead when
you’re not sure yourself how it will all turn out?
I needed a plan. A strategy. A way of conveying all that I wanted to say to him at a level of
understanding that he could grasp.
Thankfully I found that plan. I came up with a storybook that told my son, in words and pictures,
the story of how his father and I met, married and started a family. It explained problems we
encountered that we could not readily fix, and the decision we ultimately made to get a divorce.
In my new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?, I provide a fill-in-the-blanks
template that other parents can use to prepare their children for the many changes ahead. The
interactive format allows parents to customize the story to fit their family dynamics. It also focuses
on five key messages that are essential for every child to hear, understand and absorb. By
sharing and repeating these five points to your children in the weeks and months following the
initial conversation, you will enable them to better handle, accept and even embrace the
challenges and changes they will soon be facing. Here are the five must-tell messages for your
children:
This is not your fault.
Mom and Dad have been having problems. We don’t agree about certain key issues and that
creates conflict. Even when some of the issues are about you, that does not mean you are to
blame. You are an innocent child who we both love and cherish. It is not your fault that Mom and
Dad disagree about your bedtime, where to go on vacation, how to help you with your homework
or whether you should play soccer. We are not fighting about YOU. We are disagreeing with
each other about issues that concern you and our family. But you are not in any way at fault.
Mom and Dad will always be your parents.
No matter what changes occur over the weeks, months and years ahead, one thing is for certain.
Mon and Dad will still always be your parents. No one else will ever be your real Mom. No one
else will ever be your real Dad. We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter
where we live or how things should change.
This is about change, not about blame.
Divorce is a scary word. But all it really means is that our family will be experiencing some
changes. Change is okay. Everything in life keeps changing. You grow bigger, taller, stronger and
smarter every year. The seasons change every year. Clothing styles and hair styles keep
changing. You change grades and schools as you grow older. Change means things will be
different in some ways. It doesn’t mean things will be bad. Change can be fun, exciting and new.
Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like beginning a new grade with a new
teacher. Other times change gives us a chance to do things in a new and better way, like trying a
new sport or a hobby you grow to love.
The change in our family is not about who’s right or wrong or who’s good or bad. Mom and Dad
both tried their best to resolve our problems. The old way didn’t work for us and now we will be
trying a new way for our family to live so there’s more peace, calmness and happiness for us all.
Instead of worrying about who’s to blame, let’s think about how we can see the changes ahead
as a new adventure -- a brand new chapter in our lives. Who knows what lies ahead?
Things will work out okay.
We’re often frightened when we begin new things and face new challenges. Like the first time you
learned to ride a bicycle, the first day of school or day camp, your first trip to the dentist. Things
always have a way of working out, even when we’re scared that they won’t. Divorce will be the
same way. Things will be new and different for a while.
We’ll have new ways of doing some things … some new responsibilities ... some differences in
our schedules. But life will go on. We will get used to the differences. Some of them we may even
prefer. And after a while, we’ll look back and say, life is different than it used to be, but it’s all
okay. I’m okay, our family is okay and, most important of all, we still love each other. That is a lot
better than okay. It’s great!
Mom and Dad will always love you.
No matter what happens, no matter what changes occur, one thing is for certain. Mom and Dad
will always love you. That will never change. Regardless of where we live, what we do and how
old you get. You can count on that. And don’t ever forget it.
These core messages are the foundation your children will depend on when they are feeling
frightened, sad or insecure. Repeat them often in your own words and your own style. You’ll be
rewarded in countless ways as you and your children encounter and overcome the challenges of
life after divorce.
* * * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, has been facilitating relationship seminars and workshops for more than
fifteen years. As a Certified Corporate Trainer and professional speaker, she now focuses her
attention on coaching troubled families on how to create a "child-centered divorce." For other free
articles on this subject, to receive her free ezine, and/or to order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids
about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide ™ to preparing your children -- with love,
Rosalind invites you to visit her website, http://www.childcentereddivorce.com
© Rosalind Sedacca 2007 All rights reserved.
pending divorce. I know first-hand because many years ago I went through the experience. I
fought and faced the overwhelming emotions. The deep gut-wrenching fear. The continuous
anxiety. The incredible guilt. And the oppressive weight of shame.
My son, after all, was innocent. A sweet, gentle soul who loved his father and mother dearly. He
certainly did not deserve this.
I struggled with the anxiety for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him?
Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY?
How do you explain to a child that the life he has known, the comfort he has felt in his family
setting, is about to be disrupted – changed – forever?
How do you explain to a child that none of this is his fault?
How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe, cared for and loved, even after
his parents divorce?
And, even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns looming ahead when
you’re not sure yourself how it will all turn out?
I needed a plan. A strategy. A way of conveying all that I wanted to say to him at a level of
understanding that he could grasp.
Thankfully I found that plan. I came up with a storybook that told my son, in words and pictures,
the story of how his father and I met, married and started a family. It explained problems we
encountered that we could not readily fix, and the decision we ultimately made to get a divorce.
In my new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?, I provide a fill-in-the-blanks
template that other parents can use to prepare their children for the many changes ahead. The
interactive format allows parents to customize the story to fit their family dynamics. It also focuses
on five key messages that are essential for every child to hear, understand and absorb. By
sharing and repeating these five points to your children in the weeks and months following the
initial conversation, you will enable them to better handle, accept and even embrace the
challenges and changes they will soon be facing. Here are the five must-tell messages for your
children:
This is not your fault.
Mom and Dad have been having problems. We don’t agree about certain key issues and that
creates conflict. Even when some of the issues are about you, that does not mean you are to
blame. You are an innocent child who we both love and cherish. It is not your fault that Mom and
Dad disagree about your bedtime, where to go on vacation, how to help you with your homework
or whether you should play soccer. We are not fighting about YOU. We are disagreeing with
each other about issues that concern you and our family. But you are not in any way at fault.
Mom and Dad will always be your parents.
No matter what changes occur over the weeks, months and years ahead, one thing is for certain.
Mon and Dad will still always be your parents. No one else will ever be your real Mom. No one
else will ever be your real Dad. We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter
where we live or how things should change.
This is about change, not about blame.
Divorce is a scary word. But all it really means is that our family will be experiencing some
changes. Change is okay. Everything in life keeps changing. You grow bigger, taller, stronger and
smarter every year. The seasons change every year. Clothing styles and hair styles keep
changing. You change grades and schools as you grow older. Change means things will be
different in some ways. It doesn’t mean things will be bad. Change can be fun, exciting and new.
Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like beginning a new grade with a new
teacher. Other times change gives us a chance to do things in a new and better way, like trying a
new sport or a hobby you grow to love.
The change in our family is not about who’s right or wrong or who’s good or bad. Mom and Dad
both tried their best to resolve our problems. The old way didn’t work for us and now we will be
trying a new way for our family to live so there’s more peace, calmness and happiness for us all.
Instead of worrying about who’s to blame, let’s think about how we can see the changes ahead
as a new adventure -- a brand new chapter in our lives. Who knows what lies ahead?
Things will work out okay.
We’re often frightened when we begin new things and face new challenges. Like the first time you
learned to ride a bicycle, the first day of school or day camp, your first trip to the dentist. Things
always have a way of working out, even when we’re scared that they won’t. Divorce will be the
same way. Things will be new and different for a while.
We’ll have new ways of doing some things … some new responsibilities ... some differences in
our schedules. But life will go on. We will get used to the differences. Some of them we may even
prefer. And after a while, we’ll look back and say, life is different than it used to be, but it’s all
okay. I’m okay, our family is okay and, most important of all, we still love each other. That is a lot
better than okay. It’s great!
Mom and Dad will always love you.
No matter what happens, no matter what changes occur, one thing is for certain. Mom and Dad
will always love you. That will never change. Regardless of where we live, what we do and how
old you get. You can count on that. And don’t ever forget it.
These core messages are the foundation your children will depend on when they are feeling
frightened, sad or insecure. Repeat them often in your own words and your own style. You’ll be
rewarded in countless ways as you and your children encounter and overcome the challenges of
life after divorce.
* * * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, has been facilitating relationship seminars and workshops for more than
fifteen years. As a Certified Corporate Trainer and professional speaker, she now focuses her
attention on coaching troubled families on how to create a "child-centered divorce." For other free
articles on this subject, to receive her free ezine, and/or to order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids
about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide ™ to preparing your children -- with love,
Rosalind invites you to visit her website, http://www.childcentereddivorce.com
© Rosalind Sedacca 2007 All rights reserved.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
SBA Revises Goodwill Lending Provisions in SOP
Will Consider Higher Limits Case-by-Case
WASHINGTON -The U. S. Small Business Administration announced that it is accommodating concerns raised regarding the recently announced policy guidance on the financing of goodwill. SBA will consider loans for larger goodwill amounts on a case-by-case basis through August 31, 2009. The announced policy guidance originally allows SBA loans to be used to finance goodwill, but limits that financing to no more than half the loan amount, up to $250,000.
"We are aware of the concerns surrounding SBA limits to goodwill lending and are taking measured steps to address those concerns in a responsible manner," said SBA Acting Administrator Darryl K. Hairston. "SBA is committed to helping our lending partners finance small business, but access to capital must be balanced by our need to manage the risks in our portfolio and the implications those risks have for potential costs to the taxpayers."
"Goodwill" is the difference between what a buyer pays for an existing business and the book or fair market value of the assets of the business. Goodwill is one of the riskiest assets that can be financed, because it typically has no liquidation value in the event a loan defaults.
Until the new Standard Operating Procedures, or SOP, were issued for SBA loan programs last year, the previous guidance for goodwill was that sellers should finance it when a business was sold. However, as lenders increasingly used SBA-guaranteed loans to finance business sales, the agency issued more specific guidance, which was due to take effect on March 1, 2009.
The new guidance, issued February 6, 2009, allowed use of SBA-backed loans to finance goodwill up to a maximum of 50 percent of the loan amount, up to a maximum of $250,000.
The agency received comments from lenders and business brokers expressing concern that such limit would effectively stop business acquisitions at a time when many newly unemployed individuals are considering the purchase of a business.
After thorough consideration of the comments, SBA decided to review loan applications that do not meet the guidance in the SOP on a case-by-case basis. SBA will use the next six months to study the types of transactions involving substantial goodwill and consider a revision of the current policy when the semi-annual update of SOP 50 10 is published in September of 2009.
You can receive all of the SBA's News Releases via email. To subscribe, visit http://web.sba.gov/list and select "Press Office."
# # #
WASHINGTON -The U. S. Small Business Administration announced that it is accommodating concerns raised regarding the recently announced policy guidance on the financing of goodwill. SBA will consider loans for larger goodwill amounts on a case-by-case basis through August 31, 2009. The announced policy guidance originally allows SBA loans to be used to finance goodwill, but limits that financing to no more than half the loan amount, up to $250,000.
"We are aware of the concerns surrounding SBA limits to goodwill lending and are taking measured steps to address those concerns in a responsible manner," said SBA Acting Administrator Darryl K. Hairston. "SBA is committed to helping our lending partners finance small business, but access to capital must be balanced by our need to manage the risks in our portfolio and the implications those risks have for potential costs to the taxpayers."
"Goodwill" is the difference between what a buyer pays for an existing business and the book or fair market value of the assets of the business. Goodwill is one of the riskiest assets that can be financed, because it typically has no liquidation value in the event a loan defaults.
Until the new Standard Operating Procedures, or SOP, were issued for SBA loan programs last year, the previous guidance for goodwill was that sellers should finance it when a business was sold. However, as lenders increasingly used SBA-guaranteed loans to finance business sales, the agency issued more specific guidance, which was due to take effect on March 1, 2009.
The new guidance, issued February 6, 2009, allowed use of SBA-backed loans to finance goodwill up to a maximum of 50 percent of the loan amount, up to a maximum of $250,000.
The agency received comments from lenders and business brokers expressing concern that such limit would effectively stop business acquisitions at a time when many newly unemployed individuals are considering the purchase of a business.
After thorough consideration of the comments, SBA decided to review loan applications that do not meet the guidance in the SOP on a case-by-case basis. SBA will use the next six months to study the types of transactions involving substantial goodwill and consider a revision of the current policy when the semi-annual update of SOP 50 10 is published in September of 2009.
You can receive all of the SBA's News Releases via email. To subscribe, visit http://web.sba.gov/list and select "Press Office."
# # #
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Before you Divorce Be Prepared to Tell the Kids
Title: Before You Divorce – Be Prepared to Tell the Kids
Author: Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Date: 2007
I've faced many difficult moments in my life. Who hasn't? But preparing to tell my son that I will bedivorcing his father was absolutely one of the worst. Thinking about breaking the news filled me with dread, not to mention gut-wrenching fear … anxiety … incredible guilt … and the oppressive weight of shame.
My son, after all, was innocent. A sweet, dear soul who loved his father and mother both. He certainly didn't deserve this.
I struggled with the anxiety for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY? How do you explain to your child that the life he has known, the comfort he has felt in his family setting, is about to be disrupted - changed - forever? How do you explain to your child that none of this is his fault?
How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe, cared for and loved, even after his parents divorce? And, even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns looming ahead when you're not sure yourself how it will all turn out?
I needed a plan. A strategy. A way of conveying all that I wanted to say to him at a level of understanding that he could grasp. My son was eleven at the time. He was still a child, yet old enough to feel the tension in our home that had been escalating for several years. He heard the frequent irritation in our voices when his
father and I spoke. He heard the arguments that would flair up suddenly in the midst of routine conversations. He heard the sarcastic inflections in our communication as well as the deafening silence when we were beyond words and engulfed in our frustration and anger.
Silently, internally, my son was experiencing it all and, not surprisingly, be began to show signs of stress. Sometimes it came in the form of headaches which had been increasing in frequency over the past two years. Other times it was his tears that revealed the pain he felt at hearing what he heard and being helpless to stop it. Many times he acted out, showing us his escalating temper, taking attention away from our drama and placing it on him. We watched as our son quietly filled up with rage about controlling a situation that was certainly beyond his control!
The most frustrating part of it all is that we knew better, his father and I. We knew better than to fight in front of our son, to allow him to be caught up in our difficulties. But as our unhappiness together grew over time, we lost a handle on what we knew and gave in to what we felt. It was a terrible mistake, one which I will always regret because my innocent child, the being I loved more than anyone in the universe, was paying the price.
I wrote a list for myself of what was most important for me to convey to my son when I -- or both his father and I -- spoke to him. Six points stood out as most essential:
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
YOU ARE AND WILL ALWAYS REMAIN SAFE.
MOM AND DAD WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR PARENTS.
MOM AND DAD WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
THIS IS ABOUT CHANGE, NOT ABOUT BLAME.
THINGS WILL WORK OUT OKAY.
I knew this was vital information I had to get across. But how do I say it? I rehearsed dozens of conversations in my head during those weeks. They seemed awkward. Rehearsed. Insincere.
Nothing felt right or did justice to the importance of this conversation.
Everything I tried brought up more questions than answers. How do I begin? How do I
prepare myself to answer all his questions? How do I cope with the inevitable tears? With his anger and pain? And then what?
One night at 4 a.m., while my troubled mind rehashed my insecurities in bed, a thought came to me that resonated in a powerful way. I remembered that my son always enjoyed looking through the family photo albums, primarily because they were filled with photos of him. He liked seeing his baby pictures and watching himself change as he grew. The albums were like a story book of his life. They kept his attention for long periods of time. They also brought out his curiosity and questions which opened the door to many relaxed family conversations.
What if I prepared a photo album for my son that told the story of our family in pictures and words? And what if it spanned from before he was born right up to the present, preparing him for the new changes ahead?
The storybook concept gave him something tangible he could hold on to and read over again and again to help him grasp what was about to transpire. It would explain, in language he could understand, why this was happening and what to expect. Most important of all, it would be a format that allowed me to make sure I emphasized the six crucial points I knew I had to get across to him.
And, rather than rehearsing a conversation that felt like a mine-field of possible mistakes and detours, the storybook would give me a written, pre-planned script, that was well thought through in advance. Thankfully, it worked.
When the storybook was completed I showed it to my husband. It was important to me that we both agreed upon the message we were conveying to our child. What I said was not controversial, judgmental or accusatory. On the contrary. The story in the book told the truth while focusing on areas of mutual agreement, the six crucial points that most every parent would want to get across.
While my husband was angry with me for initiating our divorce, he understood that the point of our storybook was not to air our differences but to show as much support to our son, during this difficult time, as was possible. He agreed the book was well done.
On the evening we set aside, my husband and I sat down with my son and told him we had put together a storybook photo album about our family. He was immediately interested. I started reading aloud. At times I stopped for a moment as we reminisced about a birthday party, vacation or other memorable event mentioned in our story. It felt good to laugh together, even if only briefly, sitting on the sofa as a family for, perhaps, one of the very last times.
As I started reading about changes in the family -- the tensions, disagreements, and sad times -- I watched as tears pooled up in my son's eyes. By the time I reached the end of the story he was weeping uncontrollably and holding on to both of us as tightly as he could.
Then came the inevitable anticipated responses. "NO! You're not getting a divorce. I don't want you to. You can't. It isn't fair." And then, as a family, we talked, cried, hugged, answered questions, repeated answers, reread passages in the book and consoled one another.
The deed was done. It was dreadful to go through. But somehow having the book as an anchor, something to reread, hold on to and keep was helpful for my son. We had the conversation about the impending divorce many, many times in the following weeks and even after the divorce itself.
Sometimes we'd refer back to a page or two in the book as a reminder that Mom and Dad will still love him forever and that everything will be okay.
The book also helped me and my husband to keep a perspective about our son. To remember that this was not about good guys and bad guys, judgments and accusations. People and situations change. Life evolves. And beyond our differences, our frustrations and disappointments, we were still both his Mom and Dad and always will be. Therefore we needed to treat each other with dignity and respect.
It has been more than a decade since I prepared that storybook about our family. I have since remarried and my son has graduated college and embarked on an exciting career as a veterinarian. As a grown young man in his twenties he is very close to both his father and me.
And he tells us, much as he hated our decision at the time, he now believes we were wise to get a divorce and move on with our lives, both of us choosing more suitable mates. When I approached him with my idea about sharing our family storybook with others who are facing divorce and emotionally torn up about how to tell their children, he enthusiastically agreed that it was a great idea.
Whether you use the storybook template in my new book, or create one yourself from the concepts I've shared in this article, I know it will be a resource you can turn to when expressing your love for your children as you move through divorce and beyond. At this difficult time in the life of your family, I send you my heartfelt compassion and my very best wishes for the most positive and peaceful resolution for everyone involved.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, has been facilitating relationship seminars and workshops for more than fifteen years. As a Certified Corporate Trainer and professional speaker, she now focuses her attention on coaching troubled families on how to create a "child-centered divorce." For other free articles on this subject, to receive her free ezine, and/or to order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide ™ to preparing your children -- with love, Rosalind invites you to visit her website, http://www.childcentereddivorce.com © Rosalind Sedacca 2007 All rights reserved.
To take your online parenting class court mandated for divorce or separation go to www.childsharing.com
Author: Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Date: 2007
I've faced many difficult moments in my life. Who hasn't? But preparing to tell my son that I will bedivorcing his father was absolutely one of the worst. Thinking about breaking the news filled me with dread, not to mention gut-wrenching fear … anxiety … incredible guilt … and the oppressive weight of shame.
My son, after all, was innocent. A sweet, dear soul who loved his father and mother both. He certainly didn't deserve this.
I struggled with the anxiety for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY? How do you explain to your child that the life he has known, the comfort he has felt in his family setting, is about to be disrupted - changed - forever? How do you explain to your child that none of this is his fault?
How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe, cared for and loved, even after his parents divorce? And, even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns looming ahead when you're not sure yourself how it will all turn out?
I needed a plan. A strategy. A way of conveying all that I wanted to say to him at a level of understanding that he could grasp. My son was eleven at the time. He was still a child, yet old enough to feel the tension in our home that had been escalating for several years. He heard the frequent irritation in our voices when his
father and I spoke. He heard the arguments that would flair up suddenly in the midst of routine conversations. He heard the sarcastic inflections in our communication as well as the deafening silence when we were beyond words and engulfed in our frustration and anger.
Silently, internally, my son was experiencing it all and, not surprisingly, be began to show signs of stress. Sometimes it came in the form of headaches which had been increasing in frequency over the past two years. Other times it was his tears that revealed the pain he felt at hearing what he heard and being helpless to stop it. Many times he acted out, showing us his escalating temper, taking attention away from our drama and placing it on him. We watched as our son quietly filled up with rage about controlling a situation that was certainly beyond his control!
The most frustrating part of it all is that we knew better, his father and I. We knew better than to fight in front of our son, to allow him to be caught up in our difficulties. But as our unhappiness together grew over time, we lost a handle on what we knew and gave in to what we felt. It was a terrible mistake, one which I will always regret because my innocent child, the being I loved more than anyone in the universe, was paying the price.
I wrote a list for myself of what was most important for me to convey to my son when I -- or both his father and I -- spoke to him. Six points stood out as most essential:
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
YOU ARE AND WILL ALWAYS REMAIN SAFE.
MOM AND DAD WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR PARENTS.
MOM AND DAD WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
THIS IS ABOUT CHANGE, NOT ABOUT BLAME.
THINGS WILL WORK OUT OKAY.
I knew this was vital information I had to get across. But how do I say it? I rehearsed dozens of conversations in my head during those weeks. They seemed awkward. Rehearsed. Insincere.
Nothing felt right or did justice to the importance of this conversation.
Everything I tried brought up more questions than answers. How do I begin? How do I
prepare myself to answer all his questions? How do I cope with the inevitable tears? With his anger and pain? And then what?
One night at 4 a.m., while my troubled mind rehashed my insecurities in bed, a thought came to me that resonated in a powerful way. I remembered that my son always enjoyed looking through the family photo albums, primarily because they were filled with photos of him. He liked seeing his baby pictures and watching himself change as he grew. The albums were like a story book of his life. They kept his attention for long periods of time. They also brought out his curiosity and questions which opened the door to many relaxed family conversations.
What if I prepared a photo album for my son that told the story of our family in pictures and words? And what if it spanned from before he was born right up to the present, preparing him for the new changes ahead?
The storybook concept gave him something tangible he could hold on to and read over again and again to help him grasp what was about to transpire. It would explain, in language he could understand, why this was happening and what to expect. Most important of all, it would be a format that allowed me to make sure I emphasized the six crucial points I knew I had to get across to him.
And, rather than rehearsing a conversation that felt like a mine-field of possible mistakes and detours, the storybook would give me a written, pre-planned script, that was well thought through in advance. Thankfully, it worked.
When the storybook was completed I showed it to my husband. It was important to me that we both agreed upon the message we were conveying to our child. What I said was not controversial, judgmental or accusatory. On the contrary. The story in the book told the truth while focusing on areas of mutual agreement, the six crucial points that most every parent would want to get across.
While my husband was angry with me for initiating our divorce, he understood that the point of our storybook was not to air our differences but to show as much support to our son, during this difficult time, as was possible. He agreed the book was well done.
On the evening we set aside, my husband and I sat down with my son and told him we had put together a storybook photo album about our family. He was immediately interested. I started reading aloud. At times I stopped for a moment as we reminisced about a birthday party, vacation or other memorable event mentioned in our story. It felt good to laugh together, even if only briefly, sitting on the sofa as a family for, perhaps, one of the very last times.
As I started reading about changes in the family -- the tensions, disagreements, and sad times -- I watched as tears pooled up in my son's eyes. By the time I reached the end of the story he was weeping uncontrollably and holding on to both of us as tightly as he could.
Then came the inevitable anticipated responses. "NO! You're not getting a divorce. I don't want you to. You can't. It isn't fair." And then, as a family, we talked, cried, hugged, answered questions, repeated answers, reread passages in the book and consoled one another.
The deed was done. It was dreadful to go through. But somehow having the book as an anchor, something to reread, hold on to and keep was helpful for my son. We had the conversation about the impending divorce many, many times in the following weeks and even after the divorce itself.
Sometimes we'd refer back to a page or two in the book as a reminder that Mom and Dad will still love him forever and that everything will be okay.
The book also helped me and my husband to keep a perspective about our son. To remember that this was not about good guys and bad guys, judgments and accusations. People and situations change. Life evolves. And beyond our differences, our frustrations and disappointments, we were still both his Mom and Dad and always will be. Therefore we needed to treat each other with dignity and respect.
It has been more than a decade since I prepared that storybook about our family. I have since remarried and my son has graduated college and embarked on an exciting career as a veterinarian. As a grown young man in his twenties he is very close to both his father and me.
And he tells us, much as he hated our decision at the time, he now believes we were wise to get a divorce and move on with our lives, both of us choosing more suitable mates. When I approached him with my idea about sharing our family storybook with others who are facing divorce and emotionally torn up about how to tell their children, he enthusiastically agreed that it was a great idea.
Whether you use the storybook template in my new book, or create one yourself from the concepts I've shared in this article, I know it will be a resource you can turn to when expressing your love for your children as you move through divorce and beyond. At this difficult time in the life of your family, I send you my heartfelt compassion and my very best wishes for the most positive and peaceful resolution for everyone involved.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, has been facilitating relationship seminars and workshops for more than fifteen years. As a Certified Corporate Trainer and professional speaker, she now focuses her attention on coaching troubled families on how to create a "child-centered divorce." For other free articles on this subject, to receive her free ezine, and/or to order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide ™ to preparing your children -- with love, Rosalind invites you to visit her website, http://www.childcentereddivorce.com © Rosalind Sedacca 2007 All rights reserved.
To take your online parenting class court mandated for divorce or separation go to www.childsharing.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
