Children of Divorce Embrace the Abuse They See
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I came across an article by John Llindenberger, a reporter at the Nebraska newspaper, The North Platte Telegraph. The article refers to a local murder trial in which a teenage girl was locked into a cycle of abuse. She saw her mother battered by two men and later became involved in an abusive relationship with a teenage boy.
The following is Llindenberger's report, based on an interview with an expert in Domestic Abuse. While it's painful to read about this subject, keep it in mind as you think about what your own children see modeled in their lives - and how it will ultimately affect them. Feel free to pass this along to friends and family who may need a wake-up call.
When children are exposed to domestic violence in the home, they often mimic the behavior they see.
This means the boys often grow up to become abusers, and the girls grow up to marry them.
"Domestic violence is a learned behavior," said Jeanie Gilbert, who is executive director of the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program in North Platte, Nebraska. She has been working with victims of domestic violence for twelve years.
Gilbert said children in these situations become desensitized to the violence, and they often begin to mimic their gender role at a young age. While this is not always the case, she said it is true the majority of the time.
In the 2003-04 fiscal year, nearly 2,400 children and youth came to Nebraska's network of domestic violence and sexual assault programs. More than 1,300 stayed in a shelter with their mothers to escape violence in the home.
According to Gilbert, when children witness domestic violence happening in their home, they experience a wide range of emotions, including fear. She said the children become afraid for their mother as well as themselves.
This fear can become crippling and leave a child with feelings of helplessness and despair. In addition, Gilbert said children often feel guilty and perhaps even responsible for the violence.
"Any child, even in divorce, will take on some of the responsibility," she added.
To avoid their feelings of helplessness, Gilbert said children will often retreat. She noted they sometimes try to hide when the violence occurs or listen to music so they don't have to listen to the fighting.
Children who live with domestic violence also have trouble in school, according to Gilbert. Although school feels like a safe place for these children, they become distracted as they worry about their mother.
Gilbert said domestic violence is not always physical. Verbal or emotional abuse in a relationship can be just as bad. In fact, victims often tell Gilbert that emotional abuse is worse than physical.
In order to break the cycle of domestic violence, children often need lots of counseling and exposure to positive role models. Gilbert said these children need to learn what a positive relationship looks like.
In some cases, children are able to break the cycle on their own when they become adults. However, most need some type of help. They can get that help through classes and support groups offered at the Rape and Domestic Abuse Programs in their community.
If you are experiencing behavior problems with your children, or they are withdrawing emotionally from you, seek out help immediately. The sooner you take action to get the support of a parenting or mental health expert, the faster you can resolve the situation in a positive and mutually beneficial manner.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Family Photos Essential for Children of Divorce
Family Photos Essential for Children of Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I read a poignant comment on a blog recently written by a married mother of three. She was a child of divorce whose father moved out of the home when she was four. She talks about having very few pictures of herself as a child and only one of her mother and father together. Her grandfather found and gave her the photo just a few years ago. She framed it and has proudly displayed it in her home for her own children to see.
She explains how special that one photo of her with Mom and Dad is to her. It shows a little girl sitting happily on a lawn with her "real" family - before the divorce.
This woman grieves that she has no other photographs of her father and so few pictures of her childhood. She assumes that her mother hid or destroyed all other photos, "possibly to protect my stepparents' feelings" as she moved on into other chapters in her life.
She goes on to send a message to all divorced parents who are transitioning into blended families. She stresses the importance of keeping previous family photographs to give to your children at the appropriate time - and not throwing them away. She implores people who are marrying men or women with children to "be the grownup" and acknowledge that children of divorce have other relationships that are meaningful and important to them.
Having pictures, gifts and other reminders of the non-custodial parent is very important to your children. We must never forget the connection and allegiance children innately feel toward both of their parents. When one parent is dismissed, put down or disrespected by the other parent, a part of your child is hurt as a result. They also feel that a part of themselves is flawed which creates much internal confusion.
Allow your children to keep their connection with their other parent - and with their past, unless they choose otherwise. If you're a step-parent, don't try to replace the birth Mom or Dad. There is room in a child's heart to embrace and love you, as well, if you earn their trust and respect. You can't demand or force it.
The woman's blog post ends by asking us to imagine how we would feel if someone came into our family and discarded all the photos of Mom and Dad together. If we could just put ourselves into our children's shoes on a regular basis we would avoid so many errors in parenting, and so many psychological scars.
This woman speaks for millions of children of divorce and her message needs to be heard. It's also another validation for the concept of creating a family storybook when telling your children about the divorce. Showing the kids photos of the family together, during happier times in the past, reminds them that life moves in cycles and there will be good times ahead. It also shows them that they came from love and that love still exists for them - even if Mom and Dad are no longer living together.
My new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! provides fill-in-the-blank templates. This guides parents in creating a valuable storybook with family photos and history as a great resource tool that puts them in the right mind-set to break-the-news and move ahead with decisions in the best interest of their children. Even if you're long past the actual divorce, looking through family photo albums can spark conversation and sincere communication between you and your children.
Yes, it might bring up some tears and sadness, but talking about those feelings can be healing for everyone. You can also start new photo albums sharing happy times in the present so you can look back upon this chapter in your lives with smiles in the months and years to come. Isn't this what you want for your family?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I read a poignant comment on a blog recently written by a married mother of three. She was a child of divorce whose father moved out of the home when she was four. She talks about having very few pictures of herself as a child and only one of her mother and father together. Her grandfather found and gave her the photo just a few years ago. She framed it and has proudly displayed it in her home for her own children to see.
She explains how special that one photo of her with Mom and Dad is to her. It shows a little girl sitting happily on a lawn with her "real" family - before the divorce.
This woman grieves that she has no other photographs of her father and so few pictures of her childhood. She assumes that her mother hid or destroyed all other photos, "possibly to protect my stepparents' feelings" as she moved on into other chapters in her life.
She goes on to send a message to all divorced parents who are transitioning into blended families. She stresses the importance of keeping previous family photographs to give to your children at the appropriate time - and not throwing them away. She implores people who are marrying men or women with children to "be the grownup" and acknowledge that children of divorce have other relationships that are meaningful and important to them.
Having pictures, gifts and other reminders of the non-custodial parent is very important to your children. We must never forget the connection and allegiance children innately feel toward both of their parents. When one parent is dismissed, put down or disrespected by the other parent, a part of your child is hurt as a result. They also feel that a part of themselves is flawed which creates much internal confusion.
Allow your children to keep their connection with their other parent - and with their past, unless they choose otherwise. If you're a step-parent, don't try to replace the birth Mom or Dad. There is room in a child's heart to embrace and love you, as well, if you earn their trust and respect. You can't demand or force it.
The woman's blog post ends by asking us to imagine how we would feel if someone came into our family and discarded all the photos of Mom and Dad together. If we could just put ourselves into our children's shoes on a regular basis we would avoid so many errors in parenting, and so many psychological scars.
This woman speaks for millions of children of divorce and her message needs to be heard. It's also another validation for the concept of creating a family storybook when telling your children about the divorce. Showing the kids photos of the family together, during happier times in the past, reminds them that life moves in cycles and there will be good times ahead. It also shows them that they came from love and that love still exists for them - even if Mom and Dad are no longer living together.
My new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! provides fill-in-the-blank templates. This guides parents in creating a valuable storybook with family photos and history as a great resource tool that puts them in the right mind-set to break-the-news and move ahead with decisions in the best interest of their children. Even if you're long past the actual divorce, looking through family photo albums can spark conversation and sincere communication between you and your children.
Yes, it might bring up some tears and sadness, but talking about those feelings can be healing for everyone. You can also start new photo albums sharing happy times in the present so you can look back upon this chapter in your lives with smiles in the months and years to come. Isn't this what you want for your family?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Child-Centered Divorce: Single Parenting Classes an Anchor
Child-Centered Divorce: Single Parenting Classes an Anchor
Single Parenting Classes - an Anchor During and After Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Going through a divorce and then finding yourself single and parenting on your own can be a daunting experience. How do you transition from parenting as a couple to solo parenting - or even co-parenting - when you are no longer cohabitating?
Fortunately there are many programs and classes being offered throughout the United States and in other nations dedicated to helping you find your own path to single parenting success.
Usually facilitated by experienced therapists, social workers, mediators or others trained in single parenting issues, these classes provide a wealth of knowledge and valuable resources. They also ask key questions that can assist you in the transition process.
Among the topics usually addressed are: What does it mean to be a single parent? How are children affected by divorce? What support systems are available for my family? How can I best ask for help?
Often the classes have a very low fee or are even free. Sometimes day-care for children under 12 is included - often with a kid's meal.
Not surprisingly a good portion of every class is focused on coping skills, learning to overcome grief, anger and other emotions, and managing stress. Considerable time is spent addressing how to communicate with your children so that they hear and respect you. Another important area of discussion is time management and creative ways to handle chores and other daily tasks in every parent's schedule. This might include after-school activities, integrating your work with parenting responsibilities, handling grocery shopping with the kids and finding trustworthy babysitters when you have to be away.
One of the most important discussions revolves around age-appropriate language for talking to your children about difficult subjects. How do you answer the tough questions that will inevitably come up in the weeks, months and years following your divorce? The way you handle these challenges - time-after-time - will determine the effect upon your children -- whether positive or negative. That's a huge responsibility! Learning the pitfalls to avoid and how to "frame" an answer will be extremely valuable to you as you navigate the ups and downs of parenting.
Another popular topic is your relationship with extended family - those on your side as well as your in-laws. Understanding the advantages of creating a child-centered divorce with your Ex will have a significant impact on your long-term relationship with your children.
Equally important is understanding your financial parameters -- and where to turn for dependable assistance with questions regarding child support or other legal issues, making career transitions and saving for your future.
Whether you are ready for it or not, it is wise to talk about dating issues and learn some of the challenges that are common for the solo and co-parent. Just when are you ready to venture out into the dating world? How do you start? What can you do to prepare before you have that first date?
For some, single parenting can be a lonely experience. Classes, courses and other group endeavors can provide a support network that is as valuable to you as the information being offered. Be open to making new friends and reaching out for support.
It's pivotal to remember that you are not alone. But you must take the initiative to seek out classes, therapy, coaching or other help right from the start. This will provide a short-cut to creating the future you desire for yourself and the children you love!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Single Parenting Classes - an Anchor During and After Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Going through a divorce and then finding yourself single and parenting on your own can be a daunting experience. How do you transition from parenting as a couple to solo parenting - or even co-parenting - when you are no longer cohabitating?
Fortunately there are many programs and classes being offered throughout the United States and in other nations dedicated to helping you find your own path to single parenting success.
Usually facilitated by experienced therapists, social workers, mediators or others trained in single parenting issues, these classes provide a wealth of knowledge and valuable resources. They also ask key questions that can assist you in the transition process.
Among the topics usually addressed are: What does it mean to be a single parent? How are children affected by divorce? What support systems are available for my family? How can I best ask for help?
Often the classes have a very low fee or are even free. Sometimes day-care for children under 12 is included - often with a kid's meal.
Not surprisingly a good portion of every class is focused on coping skills, learning to overcome grief, anger and other emotions, and managing stress. Considerable time is spent addressing how to communicate with your children so that they hear and respect you. Another important area of discussion is time management and creative ways to handle chores and other daily tasks in every parent's schedule. This might include after-school activities, integrating your work with parenting responsibilities, handling grocery shopping with the kids and finding trustworthy babysitters when you have to be away.
One of the most important discussions revolves around age-appropriate language for talking to your children about difficult subjects. How do you answer the tough questions that will inevitably come up in the weeks, months and years following your divorce? The way you handle these challenges - time-after-time - will determine the effect upon your children -- whether positive or negative. That's a huge responsibility! Learning the pitfalls to avoid and how to "frame" an answer will be extremely valuable to you as you navigate the ups and downs of parenting.
Another popular topic is your relationship with extended family - those on your side as well as your in-laws. Understanding the advantages of creating a child-centered divorce with your Ex will have a significant impact on your long-term relationship with your children.
Equally important is understanding your financial parameters -- and where to turn for dependable assistance with questions regarding child support or other legal issues, making career transitions and saving for your future.
Whether you are ready for it or not, it is wise to talk about dating issues and learn some of the challenges that are common for the solo and co-parent. Just when are you ready to venture out into the dating world? How do you start? What can you do to prepare before you have that first date?
For some, single parenting can be a lonely experience. Classes, courses and other group endeavors can provide a support network that is as valuable to you as the information being offered. Be open to making new friends and reaching out for support.
It's pivotal to remember that you are not alone. But you must take the initiative to seek out classes, therapy, coaching or other help right from the start. This will provide a short-cut to creating the future you desire for yourself and the children you love!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Monday, October 11, 2010
Child-Centered Divorce: Debt After Divorce Warning
Child-Centered Divorce: Debt After Divorce Warning
Debt
after Divorce can Affect your Credit Score
By
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Divorced or not, we all understand the importance of having
a high Credit Score. Unfortunately, when Divorce Decrees are drawn up some
simple attorney errors or oversights can result in long-term negative affects
on your personal credit.
Divorce Decrees identify who is awarded what debt. It is
essential, therefore, that debts that came from joint accounts are only in the
person's name that is awarded that debt per the decree. In most cases the
decree is a simple agreement between divorcing couples. It does not separate liabilities - and that's where the problem
lies.
If, while you were married, your significant other had created some debt on
your joint accounts, both of you are affected. Each of your social security
numbers are attached to the obligations -- and all three credit bureaus have
this information.
When you decide to divorce, a Divorce Decree is not the best
way to handle this debt. The reasons become obvious when you explore a number
of likely possibilities. What if, a couple of years after the divorce, your ex decides
to be late on a debt obligation that is still reporting in your name? Imagine
what will happen to your credit score! It
can suddenly drop 150 points - and you may not even know it!
Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. And the problem is now
yours even though the debt was awarded to your ex.. What if it's a house at
stake and your former spouse decides to let it go to foreclosure? Are you aware
that you cannot buy a home for the next three years because of the foreclosure record
on your credit report?
Here's some sound advice offered by
Mike Clover of
www.creditscorequick.com
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=LNJIkMG0NUZMxH&b=mOixR8BBEl6d4pdHeWmq0g
.Clover insists that divorcing couples should never rely on the other
spouse to pay bills that were awarded to them per Decree. In essence, this is a
disaster waiting to happen. He says these issues must be tackled up front so you
are not vulnerable once the divorce is final.
If you are among those who have already made this mistake, it
is important that you go back to court to get those debts off of your name. If
a house is involved especially, get it refinanced out your name or sold,
depending on the situation. If your ex is behind on the mortgage you might want
to go back to court and take over the mortgage payment in return for having the
house awarded back to you.
Divorce is tough enough without having to deal with
financial crises in the months and years to follow. Be aware. Make sure you
don't have debts in your name that get awarded to your ex. Don't put him or her
in the position in which they can ruin your credit. If you are not sure about
your credit rating, get your current credit report with credit scores to make
sure there is no damage done. There are many resources on the internet for
accessing this information. Don't put it off!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How
Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to
Preparing Your Children -- with Love!
For more information, free
articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://
www.childcentereddivorce.com
Debt
after Divorce can Affect your Credit Score
By
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Divorced or not, we all understand the importance of having
a high Credit Score. Unfortunately, when Divorce Decrees are drawn up some
simple attorney errors or oversights can result in long-term negative affects
on your personal credit.
Divorce Decrees identify who is awarded what debt. It is
essential, therefore, that debts that came from joint accounts are only in the
person's name that is awarded that debt per the decree. In most cases the
decree is a simple agreement between divorcing couples. It does not separate liabilities - and that's where the problem
lies.
If, while you were married, your significant other had created some debt on
your joint accounts, both of you are affected. Each of your social security
numbers are attached to the obligations -- and all three credit bureaus have
this information.
When you decide to divorce, a Divorce Decree is not the best
way to handle this debt. The reasons become obvious when you explore a number
of likely possibilities. What if, a couple of years after the divorce, your ex decides
to be late on a debt obligation that is still reporting in your name? Imagine
what will happen to your credit score! It
can suddenly drop 150 points - and you may not even know it!
Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. And the problem is now
yours even though the debt was awarded to your ex.. What if it's a house at
stake and your former spouse decides to let it go to foreclosure? Are you aware
that you cannot buy a home for the next three years because of the foreclosure record
on your credit report?
Here's some sound advice offered by
Mike Clover of
www.creditscorequick.com
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=LNJIkMG0NUZMxH&b=mOixR8BBEl6d4pdHeWmq0g
.Clover insists that divorcing couples should never rely on the other
spouse to pay bills that were awarded to them per Decree. In essence, this is a
disaster waiting to happen. He says these issues must be tackled up front so you
are not vulnerable once the divorce is final.
If you are among those who have already made this mistake, it
is important that you go back to court to get those debts off of your name. If
a house is involved especially, get it refinanced out your name or sold,
depending on the situation. If your ex is behind on the mortgage you might want
to go back to court and take over the mortgage payment in return for having the
house awarded back to you.
Divorce is tough enough without having to deal with
financial crises in the months and years to follow. Be aware. Make sure you
don't have debts in your name that get awarded to your ex. Don't put him or her
in the position in which they can ruin your credit. If you are not sure about
your credit rating, get your current credit report with credit scores to make
sure there is no damage done. There are many resources on the internet for
accessing this information. Don't put it off!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How
Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to
Preparing Your Children -- with Love!
For more information, free
articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://
www.childcentereddivorce.com
Monday, October 4, 2010
Child-Centered Divorce: No Big Deal Part 2
Child-Centered Divorce: No Big Deal Part 2
Divorce and Parenting - For Some It's
No Big Deal!
Part 2
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
In her new book, It's No Big
Deal Really (published by Fusion Press --
www.fusionpress.co.uk
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=LX2npX30NUZMxH&b=hNo41np4EPJKpmnmYggBKw
), British author Anne Cantelo shares what she has learned through her experience with
divorce as a parent. She offers valuable advice for making post-divorce
parenting as smooth and effortless as possible. Most important of all, her
suggestions focus on your children's best interest so that they can move on
with their lives as children, without having to parent their parents through
emotional upheaval and tension.
Here are several of her insights worth integrating into your own tool box
of parenting dos.
Encourage your
children to enjoy the time they spend with your ex. That way they'll
feel comfortable, rather than disloyal, talking about it.
Don't try and
compete with your ex. Children quickly see through that. My daughter described
it as 'freaky when parents behave so childishly'. So no trying to
beat the ex on Christmas presents: your children will despise you, not
thank you for it.
Recognize
what's important to your children's lives and don't undervalue their need
for friends and out of school activities. Custodial arrangements
often ignore the needs of children to be children. Seeing friends is
critical, and missing key sports matches can be devastating and ostracizes
them from their team mates who they've let down (how do you feel when
you've had to let someone down?).
Recognize the
moral rights of children to love both of their parents. Your
arguments with your ex are not relevant unless there is a risk of abuse.
Mothers who succeeded in getting the father out of their children's lives
set themselves up for a very difficult time as single parents and their
children eventually hate them for stealing their father from
them.
Plan for the
future. Don't assume that you won't both find new partners and these
new partners often question your arrangements.
Don't assume
or expect your children to form attachments to step relations, but if they
do form, then treat those new relationships with the same respect as their
blood relatives. Boyfriends or girlfriends who've as acted as step parents
often suddenly disappear when Mom or Dad breaks up with them. Children can
find this as heartbreaking as losing a parent and makes them hold back
from forming emotional bonds in the future.
Live as close
as you can to each other. That way the children can always come
around for a cuddle when they need to. I promise that you won't be bumping
into each other all the time. In six years I never have, not once.
Finally don't assume that your older children will not
be as affected by your divorce. I found that the reverse was
true. Those who were in their 30s when their parents got divorced
appeared to suffer more and for longer than those who were young
children. They were the ones still seeing counselors up to five
years after the divorce.
No one ever
said it was easy to parent through and beyond divorce. But if this is your
challenge, why not approach it in a way that supports everyone in the family?
Honoring relationships, respecting your children's right to be attached to both
of their parents, taking the high road during conflicts and learning how to let
go when there are no other options are all ways to be a role model for your
children.
They will
thank you in the long term for this. I know my own son did when he grew up. And
there is no more gratifying words you can hear than, "Thank you, Mom, for getting
us all through the divorce on good terms. Not all of my friends have been that
fortunate."
* *
*
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar
facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about
the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with
Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a
personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult
transition with optimum results. For more information about the book,
Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit
http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Divorce and Parenting - For Some It's
No Big Deal!
Part 2
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
In her new book, It's No Big
Deal Really (published by Fusion Press --
www.fusionpress.co.uk
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=LX2npX30NUZMxH&b=hNo41np4EPJKpmnmYggBKw
), British author Anne Cantelo shares what she has learned through her experience with
divorce as a parent. She offers valuable advice for making post-divorce
parenting as smooth and effortless as possible. Most important of all, her
suggestions focus on your children's best interest so that they can move on
with their lives as children, without having to parent their parents through
emotional upheaval and tension.
Here are several of her insights worth integrating into your own tool box
of parenting dos.
Encourage your
children to enjoy the time they spend with your ex. That way they'll
feel comfortable, rather than disloyal, talking about it.
Don't try and
compete with your ex. Children quickly see through that. My daughter described
it as 'freaky when parents behave so childishly'. So no trying to
beat the ex on Christmas presents: your children will despise you, not
thank you for it.
Recognize
what's important to your children's lives and don't undervalue their need
for friends and out of school activities. Custodial arrangements
often ignore the needs of children to be children. Seeing friends is
critical, and missing key sports matches can be devastating and ostracizes
them from their team mates who they've let down (how do you feel when
you've had to let someone down?).
Recognize the
moral rights of children to love both of their parents. Your
arguments with your ex are not relevant unless there is a risk of abuse.
Mothers who succeeded in getting the father out of their children's lives
set themselves up for a very difficult time as single parents and their
children eventually hate them for stealing their father from
them.
Plan for the
future. Don't assume that you won't both find new partners and these
new partners often question your arrangements.
Don't assume
or expect your children to form attachments to step relations, but if they
do form, then treat those new relationships with the same respect as their
blood relatives. Boyfriends or girlfriends who've as acted as step parents
often suddenly disappear when Mom or Dad breaks up with them. Children can
find this as heartbreaking as losing a parent and makes them hold back
from forming emotional bonds in the future.
Live as close
as you can to each other. That way the children can always come
around for a cuddle when they need to. I promise that you won't be bumping
into each other all the time. In six years I never have, not once.
Finally don't assume that your older children will not
be as affected by your divorce. I found that the reverse was
true. Those who were in their 30s when their parents got divorced
appeared to suffer more and for longer than those who were young
children. They were the ones still seeing counselors up to five
years after the divorce.
No one ever
said it was easy to parent through and beyond divorce. But if this is your
challenge, why not approach it in a way that supports everyone in the family?
Honoring relationships, respecting your children's right to be attached to both
of their parents, taking the high road during conflicts and learning how to let
go when there are no other options are all ways to be a role model for your
children.
They will
thank you in the long term for this. I know my own son did when he grew up. And
there is no more gratifying words you can hear than, "Thank you, Mom, for getting
us all through the divorce on good terms. Not all of my friends have been that
fortunate."
* *
*
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar
facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about
the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with
Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a
personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult
transition with optimum results. For more information about the book,
Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit
http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Monday, September 13, 2010
What's Your Co-Parenting Style -- Cooperative, Parallel or Somewhere In-Between?
What's Your Co-Parenting Style -- Cooperative, Parallel or Somewhere In-Between?
by Cindy Harari, Esq.
My Guest Author today is Cindy Harari, Esq. who offers a valuable perspective on how to handle day-to-day parenting decisions in the most beneficial manner for your family. She also asks key questions every parent should be able to answer to achieve harmonious co-parenting for years to come.
One of many difficult things parents must do after divorce is deal with their child(ren)'s other parent. While some aspects of "the deal" are spelled out in documents such as temporary or permanent court orders or final marital settlement agreements, most of the "parenting" details are not explicitly written down.
For example, a document provides that the child(ren) are to spend every Tuesday night and alternating weekends with Parent A. In most instances, an agreement will include times for pick up and/or drop off. In some cases, especially if there is a safety issue, the agreement will include a location for the child(ren) to be picked up and/or dropped off. So what's missing?
To begin with, the time(s) that may be appropriate for one child in the family may not be appropriate for another. Or the location for pick up and/or drop off for one child may not be appropriate for another. In some instances, the document may not specify which parent is responsible for driving the children to and/or from particular locations. Also, how are the child(ren)'s clothing and/or school supplies to be transported? On a particular weekend, one child may have a special event (sports, birthday party) or doctor's appointment that occurs during the weekend so parental decisions must be made and schedules may have to be accommodated. What about that birthday party for your child(ren)'s friend? Which parent buys the gift? What if the child(ren) are at Parent A's home but they need something that is located at Parent B's home? What if the child(ren) want to participate in an extracurricular activity that involves weekends? The possibilities are endless. But just as these scenarios may become conflicts, they are also opportunities for development of communication and problem-solving skills.
Parenting styles vary within households - even intact households where divorce is not an issue. Ask yourself the following questions to begin to assess your parenting style:
1. Are you more comfortable with structured communication procedures? Do you prefer to have precise rules about how and when you will communicate with your child(ren)'s other parent? (parallel parenting style) - or - Are you more comfortable with frequent communication? Do you prefer to have informal, regular exchanges of information with your child(ren)'s other parent? (cooperative parenting style)
2. Do you make decisions on your own regarding issues involving your children? (parallel style) -or - Do you participate in joint decision-making after discussion of issues? (cooperative style)
3. Do you have "house rules" that may be different from the way things are in the home of your child(ren)'s other parent? (parallel) - or - Do you and your child(ren)'s other parent agree about fundamental principles and have shared expectations regarding your child(ren)? (cooperative)
4. Are you able to be in the same place at the same time with your child(ren)'s other parent with some degree of comfort for yourself and your child(ren)? Can both parents attend school events, teacher conferences, etc. together? (cooperative) - or - Would you prefer to meet with teachers separately and take turns attending school and/or extracurricular events? (parallel)
5. Are you most comfortable when you stick to a set schedule, with little to no variation? (parallel) - or - Are you willing to be flexible regarding scheduling in the best interests of your child(ren)? (cooperative)
Although experts may advocate "cooperative" parenting for divorced parents, this may be quite difficult at times. When emotions are running high, even parents with the best intentions may have trouble communicating calmly with their child(ren)'s other parent. Sometimes a parent may deny a request about scheduling simply because they do not understand the child(ren)'s feelings about the schedule change. This makes sense since such requests are generally (and, depending on the child(ren)'s age(s)) made between one parent and the other. Negative personal feelings between the parents easily interfere with the best interests of their child(ren). It helps to have professional assistance to clarify the issues and re-focus on doing the right thing for the children. This isn't therapy - this is parenting coordination - an alternative dispute resolution process.
A Parenting Coordinator ("PC") is an alternative dispute resolution professional. The PC should have professional licensure in law or mental health, training in mediation, have a working knowledge of child and adolescent development and family systems, have specific training in parenting coordination and the ability to work within the framework of the alternative dispute resolution process. Parenting coordination is not therapy, it is not advocacy for one parent against the other, and it is not an evaluation procedure conducted regarding custody.
It is important to remember that divorce is a transformative process involving family members for an extended period of time - actually, forever. Even under the best of circumstances (whatever that means), parenting is challenging. Adding on factors related to divorce makes parenting even more challenging. Although it is useful for parenting plans in divorce agreements to be comprehensive and specific, it is virtually impossible for every detail to be addressed in a document. But that's actually a good thing. Why? Because children benefit as their divorced parents develop the ability to manage the details of parenting without conflict.
Do you really want to go to court and have a judge make decisions about your child(ren)? You know and love your child(ren). So does your child(ren)'s other parent. If the two of you have nothing else in common, you will always have your child(ren) in common. You may need help to develop practical, efficient techniques to communicate and make decisions, manage scheduling, set boundaries and clarify expectations. A Parenting Coordinator may be just the resource you need.
by Cindy Harari, Esq.
My Guest Author today is Cindy Harari, Esq. who offers a valuable perspective on how to handle day-to-day parenting decisions in the most beneficial manner for your family. She also asks key questions every parent should be able to answer to achieve harmonious co-parenting for years to come.
One of many difficult things parents must do after divorce is deal with their child(ren)'s other parent. While some aspects of "the deal" are spelled out in documents such as temporary or permanent court orders or final marital settlement agreements, most of the "parenting" details are not explicitly written down.
For example, a document provides that the child(ren) are to spend every Tuesday night and alternating weekends with Parent A. In most instances, an agreement will include times for pick up and/or drop off. In some cases, especially if there is a safety issue, the agreement will include a location for the child(ren) to be picked up and/or dropped off. So what's missing?
To begin with, the time(s) that may be appropriate for one child in the family may not be appropriate for another. Or the location for pick up and/or drop off for one child may not be appropriate for another. In some instances, the document may not specify which parent is responsible for driving the children to and/or from particular locations. Also, how are the child(ren)'s clothing and/or school supplies to be transported? On a particular weekend, one child may have a special event (sports, birthday party) or doctor's appointment that occurs during the weekend so parental decisions must be made and schedules may have to be accommodated. What about that birthday party for your child(ren)'s friend? Which parent buys the gift? What if the child(ren) are at Parent A's home but they need something that is located at Parent B's home? What if the child(ren) want to participate in an extracurricular activity that involves weekends? The possibilities are endless. But just as these scenarios may become conflicts, they are also opportunities for development of communication and problem-solving skills.
Parenting styles vary within households - even intact households where divorce is not an issue. Ask yourself the following questions to begin to assess your parenting style:
1. Are you more comfortable with structured communication procedures? Do you prefer to have precise rules about how and when you will communicate with your child(ren)'s other parent? (parallel parenting style) - or - Are you more comfortable with frequent communication? Do you prefer to have informal, regular exchanges of information with your child(ren)'s other parent? (cooperative parenting style)
2. Do you make decisions on your own regarding issues involving your children? (parallel style) -or - Do you participate in joint decision-making after discussion of issues? (cooperative style)
3. Do you have "house rules" that may be different from the way things are in the home of your child(ren)'s other parent? (parallel) - or - Do you and your child(ren)'s other parent agree about fundamental principles and have shared expectations regarding your child(ren)? (cooperative)
4. Are you able to be in the same place at the same time with your child(ren)'s other parent with some degree of comfort for yourself and your child(ren)? Can both parents attend school events, teacher conferences, etc. together? (cooperative) - or - Would you prefer to meet with teachers separately and take turns attending school and/or extracurricular events? (parallel)
5. Are you most comfortable when you stick to a set schedule, with little to no variation? (parallel) - or - Are you willing to be flexible regarding scheduling in the best interests of your child(ren)? (cooperative)
Although experts may advocate "cooperative" parenting for divorced parents, this may be quite difficult at times. When emotions are running high, even parents with the best intentions may have trouble communicating calmly with their child(ren)'s other parent. Sometimes a parent may deny a request about scheduling simply because they do not understand the child(ren)'s feelings about the schedule change. This makes sense since such requests are generally (and, depending on the child(ren)'s age(s)) made between one parent and the other. Negative personal feelings between the parents easily interfere with the best interests of their child(ren). It helps to have professional assistance to clarify the issues and re-focus on doing the right thing for the children. This isn't therapy - this is parenting coordination - an alternative dispute resolution process.
A Parenting Coordinator ("PC") is an alternative dispute resolution professional. The PC should have professional licensure in law or mental health, training in mediation, have a working knowledge of child and adolescent development and family systems, have specific training in parenting coordination and the ability to work within the framework of the alternative dispute resolution process. Parenting coordination is not therapy, it is not advocacy for one parent against the other, and it is not an evaluation procedure conducted regarding custody.
It is important to remember that divorce is a transformative process involving family members for an extended period of time - actually, forever. Even under the best of circumstances (whatever that means), parenting is challenging. Adding on factors related to divorce makes parenting even more challenging. Although it is useful for parenting plans in divorce agreements to be comprehensive and specific, it is virtually impossible for every detail to be addressed in a document. But that's actually a good thing. Why? Because children benefit as their divorced parents develop the ability to manage the details of parenting without conflict.
Do you really want to go to court and have a judge make decisions about your child(ren)? You know and love your child(ren). So does your child(ren)'s other parent. If the two of you have nothing else in common, you will always have your child(ren) in common. You may need help to develop practical, efficient techniques to communicate and make decisions, manage scheduling, set boundaries and clarify expectations. A Parenting Coordinator may be just the resource you need.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Child-Centered Divorce: Talking to Pre-teens
Child-Centered Divorce: Talking to Pre-teens
Talking to Pre-Teens about Divorce - Advice from M. Gary Neuman
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Your children's age plays a big part in how they will react to news about your divorce - as well as how they will adapt to the circumstances. No two children will respond in the same way, even if they are close in age, but professionals have found that certain emotions tend to be more prevalent at certain age groups.
Of course, divorce is not a time to compare your child with others to determine how appropriate their behavior seems to be. Your child's unique personality will play a big part in his or her response. However, there are certain tendencies that are more common at various ages. Wise parents learn what they can expect and so are not caught unprepared when their children act out or react negatively to the challenges of divorce.
M. Gary Neuman, a well-respected marriage and family therapist (seen on Oprah twice in 2007) is an expert on children's post-divorce behavior. He tells parents that children under the age of nine tend to respond to hurtful situations with sadness, but that's not necessarily the case for older children.
Anger and resentment are much more prevalent after age nine. "Anger gives a child experiencing divorce a sense of control," says Neuman. "Since it is a more assertive response than crying to mommy -- children between nine and twelve see anger as a grown-up way of handling their emotions."
"At this stage, kids usually also try to detach themselves from the family and may appear ambivalent about the divorce," he adds. "Don't be fooled. Both the anger and seeming lack of interest are defense mechanisms."
The pre-teen is at an awkward state of maturity which is beyond that of a little child, but not at the level of a teen. Their ability to understand emotions is still rather limited and consequently, their behavior can seem distant and unfeeling. According to Neuman, when you talk about divorce to your nine to twelve year old don't be surprised if they ...
See it in strict black-and-white terms and want to lay blame squarely on one of their parents.
View the divorce as a rejection of them personally.
Push you to treat them like an "adult," asking for detailed information about the failure of the relationship.
As with all children, pre-teens need to be reminded that you love them, that you will always still be their parents, that they will be safe and cared for and that you are working out the details so that everything will be okay.
When they ask why you are getting a divorce, you don't need to go into great depth. Talk about behaviors without blame or accusation.
"We didn't know how to stop arguing and walk away from a fight," is the type of language that Neuman suggests. If you can be honest with yourself and your children, here's another suggested way to frame your answer:
"We didn't listen to each other enough. You know how sometimes you want to say something so much you don't even hear what the other person is saying? That's how your mother/father and I got to be. We cared more about what we wanted to say and not enough about what the other person was saying."
When it comes to questions about the future, Neuman suggests an answer that reminds your children that both Mom and Dad still want to be in their lives as much as possible because we both still love you. "Then," says Neuman, "spell out custody and visitation arrangements as clearly and in as much detail as you can."
If you're not sure how to talk to your children about the divorce, seek out professional coaching, therapy, courses and books. My own book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! gives you fill-in-the-blank templates to make the process simple yet very effective.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Talking to Pre-Teens about Divorce - Advice from M. Gary Neuman
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Your children's age plays a big part in how they will react to news about your divorce - as well as how they will adapt to the circumstances. No two children will respond in the same way, even if they are close in age, but professionals have found that certain emotions tend to be more prevalent at certain age groups.
Of course, divorce is not a time to compare your child with others to determine how appropriate their behavior seems to be. Your child's unique personality will play a big part in his or her response. However, there are certain tendencies that are more common at various ages. Wise parents learn what they can expect and so are not caught unprepared when their children act out or react negatively to the challenges of divorce.
M. Gary Neuman, a well-respected marriage and family therapist (seen on Oprah twice in 2007) is an expert on children's post-divorce behavior. He tells parents that children under the age of nine tend to respond to hurtful situations with sadness, but that's not necessarily the case for older children.
Anger and resentment are much more prevalent after age nine. "Anger gives a child experiencing divorce a sense of control," says Neuman. "Since it is a more assertive response than crying to mommy -- children between nine and twelve see anger as a grown-up way of handling their emotions."
"At this stage, kids usually also try to detach themselves from the family and may appear ambivalent about the divorce," he adds. "Don't be fooled. Both the anger and seeming lack of interest are defense mechanisms."
The pre-teen is at an awkward state of maturity which is beyond that of a little child, but not at the level of a teen. Their ability to understand emotions is still rather limited and consequently, their behavior can seem distant and unfeeling. According to Neuman, when you talk about divorce to your nine to twelve year old don't be surprised if they ...
See it in strict black-and-white terms and want to lay blame squarely on one of their parents.
View the divorce as a rejection of them personally.
Push you to treat them like an "adult," asking for detailed information about the failure of the relationship.
As with all children, pre-teens need to be reminded that you love them, that you will always still be their parents, that they will be safe and cared for and that you are working out the details so that everything will be okay.
When they ask why you are getting a divorce, you don't need to go into great depth. Talk about behaviors without blame or accusation.
"We didn't know how to stop arguing and walk away from a fight," is the type of language that Neuman suggests. If you can be honest with yourself and your children, here's another suggested way to frame your answer:
"We didn't listen to each other enough. You know how sometimes you want to say something so much you don't even hear what the other person is saying? That's how your mother/father and I got to be. We cared more about what we wanted to say and not enough about what the other person was saying."
When it comes to questions about the future, Neuman suggests an answer that reminds your children that both Mom and Dad still want to be in their lives as much as possible because we both still love you. "Then," says Neuman, "spell out custody and visitation arrangements as clearly and in as much detail as you can."
If you're not sure how to talk to your children about the divorce, seek out professional coaching, therapy, courses and books. My own book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! gives you fill-in-the-blank templates to make the process simple yet very effective.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
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