Children of Divorce Embrace the Abuse They See

Children of Divorce Embrace the Abuse They See
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I came across an article by John Llindenberger, a reporter at the Nebraska newspaper, The North Platte Telegraph. The article refers to a local murder trial in which a teenage girl was locked into a cycle of abuse. She saw her mother battered by two men and later became involved in an abusive relationship with a teenage boy.
The following is Llindenberger's report, based on an interview with an expert in Domestic Abuse. While it's painful to read about this subject, keep it in mind as you think about what your own children see modeled in their lives - and how it will ultimately affect them. Feel free to pass this along to friends and family who may need a wake-up call.
When children are exposed to domestic violence in the home, they often mimic the behavior they see.
This means the boys often grow up to become abusers, and the girls grow up to marry them.

"Domestic violence is a learned behavior," said Jeanie Gilbert, who is executive director of the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program in North Platte, Nebraska. She has been working with victims of domestic violence for twelve years.

Gilbert said children in these situations become desensitized to the violence, and they often begin to mimic their gender role at a young age. While this is not always the case, she said it is true the majority of the time.

In the 2003-04 fiscal year, nearly 2,400 children and youth came to Nebraska's network of domestic violence and sexual assault programs. More than 1,300 stayed in a shelter with their mothers to escape violence in the home.

According to Gilbert, when children witness domestic violence happening in their home, they experience a wide range of emotions, including fear. She said the children become afraid for their mother as well as themselves.

This fear can become crippling and leave a child with feelings of helplessness and despair. In addition, Gilbert said children often feel guilty and perhaps even responsible for the violence.

"Any child, even in divorce, will take on some of the responsibility," she added.

To avoid their feelings of helplessness, Gilbert said children will often retreat. She noted they sometimes try to hide when the violence occurs or listen to music so they don't have to listen to the fighting.

Children who live with domestic violence also have trouble in school, according to Gilbert. Although school feels like a safe place for these children, they become distracted as they worry about their mother.

Gilbert said domestic violence is not always physical. Verbal or emotional abuse in a relationship can be just as bad. In fact, victims often tell Gilbert that emotional abuse is worse than physical.

In order to break the cycle of domestic violence, children often need lots of counseling and exposure to positive role models. Gilbert said these children need to learn what a positive relationship looks like.

In some cases, children are able to break the cycle on their own when they become adults. However, most need some type of help. They can get that help through classes and support groups offered at the Rape and Domestic Abuse Programs in their community.

If you are experiencing behavior problems with your children, or they are withdrawing emotionally from you, seek out help immediately. The sooner you take action to get the support of a parenting or mental health expert, the faster you can resolve the situation in a positive and mutually beneficial manner.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.