Child-Centered Divorce: No Big Deal Part 2

Child-Centered Divorce: No Big Deal Part 2
Divorce and Parenting - For Some It's
No Big Deal!
Part 2
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

In her new book, It's No Big
Deal Really (published by Fusion Press --
www.fusionpress.co.uk
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=LX2npX30NUZMxH&b=hNo41np4EPJKpmnmYggBKw
), British author Anne Cantelo shares what she has learned through her experience with
divorce as a parent. She offers valuable advice for making post-divorce
parenting as smooth and effortless as possible. Most important of all, her
suggestions focus on your children's best interest so that they can move on
with their lives as children, without having to parent their parents through
emotional upheaval and tension.

Here are several of her insights worth integrating into your own tool box
of parenting dos.

Encourage your
children to enjoy the time they spend with your ex. That way they'll
feel comfortable, rather than disloyal, talking about it.
Don't try and
compete with your ex. Children quickly see through that. My daughter described
it as 'freaky when parents behave so childishly'. So no trying to
beat the ex on Christmas presents: your children will despise you, not
thank you for it.
Recognize
what's important to your children's lives and don't undervalue their need
for friends and out of school activities. Custodial arrangements
often ignore the needs of children to be children. Seeing friends is
critical, and missing key sports matches can be devastating and ostracizes
them from their team mates who they've let down (how do you feel when
you've had to let someone down?).
Recognize the
moral rights of children to love both of their parents. Your
arguments with your ex are not relevant unless there is a risk of abuse.
Mothers who succeeded in getting the father out of their children's lives
set themselves up for a very difficult time as single parents and their
children eventually hate them for stealing their father from
them.
Plan for the
future. Don't assume that you won't both find new partners and these
new partners often question your arrangements.
Don't assume
or expect your children to form attachments to step relations, but if they
do form, then treat those new relationships with the same respect as their
blood relatives. Boyfriends or girlfriends who've as acted as step parents
often suddenly disappear when Mom or Dad breaks up with them. Children can
find this as heartbreaking as losing a parent and makes them hold back
from forming emotional bonds in the future.
Live as close
as you can to each other. That way the children can always come
around for a cuddle when they need to. I promise that you won't be bumping
into each other all the time. In six years I never have, not once.
Finally don't assume that your older children will not
be as affected by your divorce. I found that the reverse was
true. Those who were in their 30s when their parents got divorced
appeared to suffer more and for longer than those who were young
children. They were the ones still seeing counselors up to five
years after the divorce.

No one ever
said it was easy to parent through and beyond divorce. But if this is your
challenge, why not approach it in a way that supports everyone in the family?
Honoring relationships, respecting your children's right to be attached to both
of their parents, taking the high road during conflicts and learning how to let
go when there are no other options are all ways to be a role model for your
children.

They will
thank you in the long term for this. I know my own son did when he grew up. And
there is no more gratifying words you can hear than, "Thank you, Mom, for getting
us all through the divorce on good terms. Not all of my friends have been that
fortunate."
* *
*

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar
facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about
the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with
Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a
personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult
transition with optimum results. For more information about the book,
Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit
http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA