Child-Centered Divorce: Talking to Pre-teens

Child-Centered Divorce: Talking to Pre-teens
Talking to Pre-Teens about Divorce - Advice from M. Gary Neuman
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Your children's age plays a big part in how they will react to news about your divorce - as well as how they will adapt to the circumstances. No two children will respond in the same way, even if they are close in age, but professionals have found that certain emotions tend to be more prevalent at certain age groups.

Of course, divorce is not a time to compare your child with others to determine how appropriate their behavior seems to be. Your child's unique personality will play a big part in his or her response. However, there are certain tendencies that are more common at various ages. Wise parents learn what they can expect and so are not caught unprepared when their children act out or react negatively to the challenges of divorce.

M. Gary Neuman, a well-respected marriage and family therapist (seen on Oprah twice in 2007) is an expert on children's post-divorce behavior. He tells parents that children under the age of nine tend to respond to hurtful situations with sadness, but that's not necessarily the case for older children.

Anger and resentment are much more prevalent after age nine. "Anger gives a child experiencing divorce a sense of control," says Neuman. "Since it is a more assertive response than crying to mommy -- children between nine and twelve see anger as a grown-up way of handling their emotions."

"At this stage, kids usually also try to detach themselves from the family and may appear ambivalent about the divorce," he adds. "Don't be fooled. Both the anger and seeming lack of interest are defense mechanisms."

The pre-teen is at an awkward state of maturity which is beyond that of a little child, but not at the level of a teen. Their ability to understand emotions is still rather limited and consequently, their behavior can seem distant and unfeeling. According to Neuman, when you talk about divorce to your nine to twelve year old don't be surprised if they ...

See it in strict black-and-white terms and want to lay blame squarely on one of their parents.

View the divorce as a rejection of them personally.

Push you to treat them like an "adult," asking for detailed information about the failure of the relationship.

As with all children, pre-teens need to be reminded that you love them, that you will always still be their parents, that they will be safe and cared for and that you are working out the details so that everything will be okay.

When they ask why you are getting a divorce, you don't need to go into great depth. Talk about behaviors without blame or accusation.

"We didn't know how to stop arguing and walk away from a fight," is the type of language that Neuman suggests. If you can be honest with yourself and your children, here's another suggested way to frame your answer:

"We didn't listen to each other enough. You know how sometimes you want to say something so much you don't even hear what the other person is saying? That's how your mother/father and I got to be. We cared more about what we wanted to say and not enough about what the other person was saying."

When it comes to questions about the future, Neuman suggests an answer that reminds your children that both Mom and Dad still want to be in their lives as much as possible because we both still love you. "Then," says Neuman, "spell out custody and visitation arrangements as clearly and in as much detail as you can."

If you're not sure how to talk to your children about the divorce, seek out professional coaching, therapy, courses and books. My own book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! gives you fill-in-the-blank templates to make the process simple yet very effective.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.