The 8-Step Formula for Positive Post-Divorce Parenting: Part 2
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Step #5: LEARN TO LET GO
If you truly want to move on from your divorce you must learn to let go of negative emotions that hold you hostage. These include anger, resentment, blame, jealousy, hatred and anxiety. Of course, there is a time and place for experiencing those emotions. Feel them; mourn the dream that turned sour. Then make a decision to let them go. Do this for your benefit - not on behalf of your former spouse.
Negative emotions can hold you in limbo and suck the life out of you. You get stuck in a place that's painful to experience and it makes you unpleasant to be around. For the sake of your children - if not for yourself - decide to let it all go. Determine to move on. It's not always easy to do, but the contrast of living in your pain is not an easy place to be either. Which state would you prefer?
Step #6: FORGIVENESS
The big step after letting go of your negative emotions is learning to forgive. This starts with you. Forgive any mistakes you made related to your marriage or divorce. Forgive your poor choices, immaturity or naivety. Acknowledge yourself as someone who is open to personal growth, change and transformation. Feel your worth and start doing things that express self-love.
Next take the big step to forgive your ex. This does not mean condoning their actions or hurtful behavior. It means you are determined not to let it affect you any longer.
You are cutting the emotional chords that bind you and keep you from enjoying the new possibilities in your life. Behind forgiveness is freedom. Don't you want to be free of the pain, hurt, insecurity and rage that previously had power over you? Cut the chord and be free!
Step #7: MAKE TIME FOR YOU!
One of the healthiest things you can do in creating a positive attitude is making time for you! This is a gift that pays off on many levels in your life. Think about reinventing yourself in new ways that excite you. Take a yoga or meditation class. Pursue a new hobby. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Start a craft or business enterprise that excites you. Make time for strolls in nature, physical exercise, watching your weight and diet. Treat yourself to a message or facial. Indulge when you can.
When you nurture yourself, you can then give your children your total attention when you are with them. During and after divorce your kids need you more than ever. You can't be there for them if you're not there for yourself to renew your spirits. It's all part of the Child-Centered Divorce formula and it works if you play your part.
Do the best you can. Be the best parent you can be. Take it day by day. If you need help, reach out for it without embarrassment or shame. You're not alone. And the help you need is out there for you!
Step #8: HANDLE YOUR CONFLICTS
Disagreements are inevitable between divorced parents from time to time. Develop good communication skills and you will minimize the damage that results.
When a conflict with your ex arises, be a good listener. Most disagreements come about from misunderstanding. Clarify what you heard to make sure that was the intention. Often one of you made an assumption that was erroneous and feelings got hurt.
It's a good idea to get into the habit of paraphrasing what you think they said and ask for clarity. Apologize if you made an error or omission. Be understanding if your ex made the error. Try not to put them on the defensive or jump to negative conclusions.
Find a middle ground that you both can live with. Trade off getting to "win" the discussion or issue at hand. Agree to disagree if necessary. Learn to move on.
Bonus Step: TAKE THE HIGH ROAD
Dr. Phil often says, "Every relationship needs a hero." Be the one who can step up and look beyond the ego gratification of being right, winning the battle or getting your way. Why? Because it will be in the best interest of your children for you to minimize conflict as quickly and smoothly as possible.
That doesn't mean you become a door-mat. Stand up for your values and make your points. If concession won't be harming your children's overall well-being, consider whether you can let go. It's not about being "right." It's about being the best parent for the kids you love.
If you must stand firm, do it without ego interference or "I told you so" put downs. Make your points objectively. Use "I" language - stating your feelings as yours. Avoid "you" language that's insulting or insensitive. It rarely gets you where you want to go - to the place that best supports your children's authentic needs.
It takes a mature, aware adult to take the high road when a conflict is taking place. Be that person. By modeling maturity you are laying the foundation for your ex, in-laws and others in your life to respond on a higher level. Be a catalyst for behavior you can be proud of. In the future your children will remember who behaved as an adult and made them feel secure, protected and loved. They'll acknowledge you for it. Wait and see!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The 8-Step Formula for Positive Post-Divorce Parenting: Part 1
The 8-Step Formula for Positive Post-Divorce Parenting: Part 1
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Parenting after divorce can be complex, frustrating and confusing. However, every day parents around the world are coping with the challenges and raising happy, well-adjusted children. There are many factors that influence your effectiveness as a parent. In this two-part article we'll review some of the major components of the post-divorce parenting success formula.
Step 1: ATTITUDE
Attitude plays a big part in the success of any Child-Centered Divorce. If you approach your divorce with a commitment to making it as positive an experience as possible for the children you love, you are on your way to succeeding.
What attitude are you conveying about your divorce? Try to catch your thoughts and the way you speak about it. Are you filled with negativity? Are your days consumed with a "poor me" state of consciousness? Are you attracting and spending time with others who share those sentiments? If so, it's time for an overhaul in your thinking and attitude.
A Child-Centered Divorce is created over weeks, months and years of attention to positive parenting. It's never too late to start regardless of how long you have been divorced. The decisions you make today will affect the relationships within your family tomorrow and for decades to come.
Step 2: PERCEPTIONS
The world is what we perceive it to be. Whether you believe it's good or bad - you will be right -- and create an outcome to justify your belief.
If you perceive yourself to be a victim in your divorce, you will focus on evidence to prove that to be true.
If you instead take your divorce as a life experience to learn from, you will derive many benefits and value from the divorce, no matter how much pain is also involved. You will also accept responsibility for the part you played in the process and be more willing to contemplate new ways to live your life in the future that will bring more positive results.
Sadly, it's through challenging experience that we grow and learn the most from life. Are you uncovering meaningful lessons for you?
Step 3: LOOK FOR THE GIFT:
There are always lessons to be learned from painful experiences. If you perceive those lessons as "gifts" to you - wisdom and opportunities you will never have otherwise experienced, you can move on from your divorce a better, stronger, wiser person. There is always a gift to be received if you look for it.
Step 4: RESPECTFUL PARENTING
Getting past your divorce is but a small piece of the Child Centered Divorce puzzle if you are a parent. Working through the challenges of creating successful communication with your ex is a goal that must be worked on continuously. Keep your children in mind before making any decisions related to their well-being and you will stay on course.
Because you and your former spouse will be parenting your children for many years - and decades to come -- it makes sense to start off on the best possible course. The first step is to develop a respectful relationship with your ex. Remember that is your child's other parent who they love. Treat your former spouse with that level of awareness and dignity in all your communication and they are more likely to return the same level of respect to you. Changes may not happen overnight. But with patience and persistence things can and will improve.
In Part 2 we'll continue with the four additional steps to positive post-divorce parenting success.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Parenting after divorce can be complex, frustrating and confusing. However, every day parents around the world are coping with the challenges and raising happy, well-adjusted children. There are many factors that influence your effectiveness as a parent. In this two-part article we'll review some of the major components of the post-divorce parenting success formula.
Step 1: ATTITUDE
Attitude plays a big part in the success of any Child-Centered Divorce. If you approach your divorce with a commitment to making it as positive an experience as possible for the children you love, you are on your way to succeeding.
What attitude are you conveying about your divorce? Try to catch your thoughts and the way you speak about it. Are you filled with negativity? Are your days consumed with a "poor me" state of consciousness? Are you attracting and spending time with others who share those sentiments? If so, it's time for an overhaul in your thinking and attitude.
A Child-Centered Divorce is created over weeks, months and years of attention to positive parenting. It's never too late to start regardless of how long you have been divorced. The decisions you make today will affect the relationships within your family tomorrow and for decades to come.
Step 2: PERCEPTIONS
The world is what we perceive it to be. Whether you believe it's good or bad - you will be right -- and create an outcome to justify your belief.
If you perceive yourself to be a victim in your divorce, you will focus on evidence to prove that to be true.
If you instead take your divorce as a life experience to learn from, you will derive many benefits and value from the divorce, no matter how much pain is also involved. You will also accept responsibility for the part you played in the process and be more willing to contemplate new ways to live your life in the future that will bring more positive results.
Sadly, it's through challenging experience that we grow and learn the most from life. Are you uncovering meaningful lessons for you?
Step 3: LOOK FOR THE GIFT:
There are always lessons to be learned from painful experiences. If you perceive those lessons as "gifts" to you - wisdom and opportunities you will never have otherwise experienced, you can move on from your divorce a better, stronger, wiser person. There is always a gift to be received if you look for it.
Step 4: RESPECTFUL PARENTING
Getting past your divorce is but a small piece of the Child Centered Divorce puzzle if you are a parent. Working through the challenges of creating successful communication with your ex is a goal that must be worked on continuously. Keep your children in mind before making any decisions related to their well-being and you will stay on course.
Because you and your former spouse will be parenting your children for many years - and decades to come -- it makes sense to start off on the best possible course. The first step is to develop a respectful relationship with your ex. Remember that is your child's other parent who they love. Treat your former spouse with that level of awareness and dignity in all your communication and they are more likely to return the same level of respect to you. Changes may not happen overnight. But with patience and persistence things can and will improve.
In Part 2 we'll continue with the four additional steps to positive post-divorce parenting success.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Thursday, April 14, 2011
4 Vital Steps to Help Teens Handle Your Divorce
4 Vital Steps to Help Teens Handle Your Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Many divorcing parents put all their attention on helping their younger children cope while assuming their teenager will understand and adapt. Unfortunately studies have shown that in many cases teens will deal with divorce in more self-destructive and dangerous ways than younger children. Don't be misled by their seeming independence and self-sufficiency. Often, behind that mask lie deep insecurity, anxiety, mistrust and fear.
Typically teens fall into one of two areas of concern - internalizing and isolation or acting out and aggression. Some teens turn inward, hardly talk to you, lose interest in school, start exploring drug or alcohol use and demonstrate a detached, "whatever" type of attitude.
Others start getting defensive, develop angry outbursts, curse and talk back. Pushing you away and "leave me alone" responses or physical reactions such as punching walls or throwing objects can create great tension and fear in the home.
These children need and are craving more attention as well as structure and supervision in their lives. They see the chaos of the divorce as an excuse to express their frustration and repressed anger. How you respond will play a big part in creating more positive outcomes.
Here are four important steps you can take to bring your family closer together during these challenges times:
1. Maintain family routines. Try as much as possible to keep up with school, sports, clubs, curfews and other routines that were part of your teen's life. Having meals and other experiences together helps to cement the bond that we are still a family and care about one another.
2. Reinforce your love. Remind your teen, just like your younger children, that the divorce is in no way their fault or responsibility. Tell them how much you love and value them and that you will always be there for them. Teens are often embarrassed to talk about their feelings. Open the door to conversations and when your teen does talk, be sure to listen rather than lecture.
3. Be a true role model. When you respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally to a challenge you are modeling healthy ways to handle tough situations. This is valuable for your own well-being and demonstrates positive ways of processing your feelings. Above all, never bad-mouth their other parent or confide adult content to your teen. The results are always destructive.
4. Create positive new experiences. Encourage your teen's friends to come over for pizza and video nights. Redecorate a room together. Adopt a new pet or take a mini vacation together to a family fun spot you haven't visited before. This sets the stage for new beginnings and happy memories post-divorce as your family starts a new chapter in their lives.
Never underestimate the impact of divorce on your children - especially your more independent teens. Behind their reassurance might be a deep well of untapped confusion and pain. Be there ... watch ... listen ... and observe your teen while modeling the best behavior you can. Divorce is never easy. But it can be a positive life lesson for everyone in the family when handled from that perspective. The more responsibly you behave, the easier it will be for your teen to adapt to the changes and challenges of your divorce.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Many divorcing parents put all their attention on helping their younger children cope while assuming their teenager will understand and adapt. Unfortunately studies have shown that in many cases teens will deal with divorce in more self-destructive and dangerous ways than younger children. Don't be misled by their seeming independence and self-sufficiency. Often, behind that mask lie deep insecurity, anxiety, mistrust and fear.
Typically teens fall into one of two areas of concern - internalizing and isolation or acting out and aggression. Some teens turn inward, hardly talk to you, lose interest in school, start exploring drug or alcohol use and demonstrate a detached, "whatever" type of attitude.
Others start getting defensive, develop angry outbursts, curse and talk back. Pushing you away and "leave me alone" responses or physical reactions such as punching walls or throwing objects can create great tension and fear in the home.
These children need and are craving more attention as well as structure and supervision in their lives. They see the chaos of the divorce as an excuse to express their frustration and repressed anger. How you respond will play a big part in creating more positive outcomes.
Here are four important steps you can take to bring your family closer together during these challenges times:
1. Maintain family routines. Try as much as possible to keep up with school, sports, clubs, curfews and other routines that were part of your teen's life. Having meals and other experiences together helps to cement the bond that we are still a family and care about one another.
2. Reinforce your love. Remind your teen, just like your younger children, that the divorce is in no way their fault or responsibility. Tell them how much you love and value them and that you will always be there for them. Teens are often embarrassed to talk about their feelings. Open the door to conversations and when your teen does talk, be sure to listen rather than lecture.
3. Be a true role model. When you respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally to a challenge you are modeling healthy ways to handle tough situations. This is valuable for your own well-being and demonstrates positive ways of processing your feelings. Above all, never bad-mouth their other parent or confide adult content to your teen. The results are always destructive.
4. Create positive new experiences. Encourage your teen's friends to come over for pizza and video nights. Redecorate a room together. Adopt a new pet or take a mini vacation together to a family fun spot you haven't visited before. This sets the stage for new beginnings and happy memories post-divorce as your family starts a new chapter in their lives.
Never underestimate the impact of divorce on your children - especially your more independent teens. Behind their reassurance might be a deep well of untapped confusion and pain. Be there ... watch ... listen ... and observe your teen while modeling the best behavior you can. Divorce is never easy. But it can be a positive life lesson for everyone in the family when handled from that perspective. The more responsibly you behave, the easier it will be for your teen to adapt to the changes and challenges of your divorce.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The 8-Step Formula for Positive Post-Divorce Parenting: Part 1
The 8-Step Formula for Positive Post-Divorce Parenting: Part 1
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Parenting after divorce can be complex, frustrating and confusing. However, every day parents around the world are coping with the challenges and raising happy, well-adjusted children. There are many factors that influence your effectiveness as a parent. In this two-part article we'll review some of the major components of the post-divorce parenting success formula.
Step 1: ATTITUDE
Attitude plays a big part in the success of any Child-Centered Divorce. If you approach your divorce with a commitment to making it as positive an experience as possible for the children you love, you are on your way to succeeding.
What attitude are you conveying about your divorce? Try to catch your thoughts and the way you speak about it. Are you filled with negativity? Are your days consumed with a "poor me" state of consciousness? Are you attracting and spending time with others who share those sentiments? If so, it's time for an overhaul in your thinking and attitude.
A Child-Centered Divorce is created over weeks, months and years of attention to positive parenting. It's never too late to start regardless of how long you have been divorced. The decisions you make today will affect the relationships within your family tomorrow and for decades to come.
Step 2: PERCEPTIONS
The world is what we perceive it to be. Whether you believe it's good or bad - you will be right -- and create an outcome to justify your belief.
If you perceive yourself to be a victim in your divorce, you will focus on evidence to prove that to be true.
If you instead take your divorce as a life experience to learn from, you will derive many benefits and value from the divorce, no matter how much pain is also involved. You will also accept responsibility for the part you played in the process and be more willing to contemplate new ways to live your life in the future that will bring more positive results.
Sadly, it's through challenging experience that we grow and learn the most from life. Are you uncovering meaningful lessons for you?
Step 3: LOOK FOR THE GIFT:
There are always lessons to be learned from painful experiences. If you perceive those lessons as "gifts" to you - wisdom and opportunities you will never have otherwise experienced, you can move on from your divorce a better, stronger, wiser person. There is always a gift to be received if you look for it.
Step 4: RESPECTFUL PARENTING
Getting past your divorce is but a small piece of the Child Centered Divorce puzzle if you are a parent. Working through the challenges of creating successful communication with your ex is a goal that must be worked on continuously. Keep your children in mind before making any decisions related to their well-being and you will stay on course.
Because you and your former spouse will be parenting your children for many years - and decades to come -- it makes sense to start off on the best possible course. The first step is to develop a respectful relationship with your ex. Remember that is your child's other parent who they love. Treat your former spouse with that level of awareness and dignity in all your communication and they are more likely to return the same level of respect to you. Changes may not happen overnight. But with patience and persistence things can and will improve.
In Part 2 we'll continue with the four additional steps to positive post-divorce parenting success.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Parenting after divorce can be complex, frustrating and confusing. However, every day parents around the world are coping with the challenges and raising happy, well-adjusted children. There are many factors that influence your effectiveness as a parent. In this two-part article we'll review some of the major components of the post-divorce parenting success formula.
Step 1: ATTITUDE
Attitude plays a big part in the success of any Child-Centered Divorce. If you approach your divorce with a commitment to making it as positive an experience as possible for the children you love, you are on your way to succeeding.
What attitude are you conveying about your divorce? Try to catch your thoughts and the way you speak about it. Are you filled with negativity? Are your days consumed with a "poor me" state of consciousness? Are you attracting and spending time with others who share those sentiments? If so, it's time for an overhaul in your thinking and attitude.
A Child-Centered Divorce is created over weeks, months and years of attention to positive parenting. It's never too late to start regardless of how long you have been divorced. The decisions you make today will affect the relationships within your family tomorrow and for decades to come.
Step 2: PERCEPTIONS
The world is what we perceive it to be. Whether you believe it's good or bad - you will be right -- and create an outcome to justify your belief.
If you perceive yourself to be a victim in your divorce, you will focus on evidence to prove that to be true.
If you instead take your divorce as a life experience to learn from, you will derive many benefits and value from the divorce, no matter how much pain is also involved. You will also accept responsibility for the part you played in the process and be more willing to contemplate new ways to live your life in the future that will bring more positive results.
Sadly, it's through challenging experience that we grow and learn the most from life. Are you uncovering meaningful lessons for you?
Step 3: LOOK FOR THE GIFT:
There are always lessons to be learned from painful experiences. If you perceive those lessons as "gifts" to you - wisdom and opportunities you will never have otherwise experienced, you can move on from your divorce a better, stronger, wiser person. There is always a gift to be received if you look for it.
Step 4: RESPECTFUL PARENTING
Getting past your divorce is but a small piece of the Child Centered Divorce puzzle if you are a parent. Working through the challenges of creating successful communication with your ex is a goal that must be worked on continuously. Keep your children in mind before making any decisions related to their well-being and you will stay on course.
Because you and your former spouse will be parenting your children for many years - and decades to come -- it makes sense to start off on the best possible course. The first step is to develop a respectful relationship with your ex. Remember that is your child's other parent who they love. Treat your former spouse with that level of awareness and dignity in all your communication and they are more likely to return the same level of respect to you. Changes may not happen overnight. But with patience and persistence things can and will improve.
In Part 2 we'll continue with the four additional steps to positive post-divorce parenting success.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Child-Centered Divorce: Three Trusts leads to Greater Success
Child-Centered Divorce: Three Trusts leads to Greater Success
Three Trusts leads to a more successful Child-Centered Divorce
I'm quite impressed with the Three Trusts concept, the brainchild
of Parent Educator and Conflict Coach, Ruth Rinehart. Take Ruth's
message to heart and incorporate into your parenting strategies.
You won't go wrong.
The fear of having our actions used in litigation is an awful cloud
over parenting. The world in the courtroom is a separate world from
the relationship between parent and child. Sometimes what is right
for the child might not necessarily look good in court. These are
the sad facts.
In my Three Trusts class for divorced parents, the first Trust is
to Trust Yourself as a Parent, because parents are so often slammed
by the other side on their parenting skills and style. By trusting
yourself, it leads to more confidence, stability, consistency for
the kids.
Then, the second trust is to Trust the Other Parent to be a "good
enough" parent. That means that if the kids get to stay up late,
have a "friend" instead of a parent, in the other household, its
still our job to support the other parent (because if they aren't
abusing the child, then they ARE a good enough parent). One of the
best sentences is: "every household is different. This is the way
we do it in this household." No reason to be defensive about it
The third trust is to Trust Your Child. They do grow up, and they
do figure things out. They can tell the difference between a sane
household, and a crazy one. You don't ever have to malign the other
parent, or explain the challenges you face. (I know everyone
reading this probably understands these things, but it does help
parents who aren't in this field!).
My oldest daughter is 25 now, and I rue the times when I didn't
trust her. She came through some rough spots, but is on a good path
now.
It is wise to remember that conflict can often reign in intact
families. Truth is, that conflict is very damaging to the
kids as well. A terrific website is: www.uptoparents.org .
To learn more about Ruth Rinehart and her services, visit
www.threetrusts.com.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Three Trusts leads to a more successful Child-Centered Divorce
I'm quite impressed with the Three Trusts concept, the brainchild
of Parent Educator and Conflict Coach, Ruth Rinehart. Take Ruth's
message to heart and incorporate into your parenting strategies.
You won't go wrong.
The fear of having our actions used in litigation is an awful cloud
over parenting. The world in the courtroom is a separate world from
the relationship between parent and child. Sometimes what is right
for the child might not necessarily look good in court. These are
the sad facts.
In my Three Trusts class for divorced parents, the first Trust is
to Trust Yourself as a Parent, because parents are so often slammed
by the other side on their parenting skills and style. By trusting
yourself, it leads to more confidence, stability, consistency for
the kids.
Then, the second trust is to Trust the Other Parent to be a "good
enough" parent. That means that if the kids get to stay up late,
have a "friend" instead of a parent, in the other household, its
still our job to support the other parent (because if they aren't
abusing the child, then they ARE a good enough parent). One of the
best sentences is: "every household is different. This is the way
we do it in this household." No reason to be defensive about it
The third trust is to Trust Your Child. They do grow up, and they
do figure things out. They can tell the difference between a sane
household, and a crazy one. You don't ever have to malign the other
parent, or explain the challenges you face. (I know everyone
reading this probably understands these things, but it does help
parents who aren't in this field!).
My oldest daughter is 25 now, and I rue the times when I didn't
trust her. She came through some rough spots, but is on a good path
now.
It is wise to remember that conflict can often reign in intact
families. Truth is, that conflict is very damaging to the
kids as well. A terrific website is: www.uptoparents.org .
To learn more about Ruth Rinehart and her services, visit
www.threetrusts.com.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Thursday, March 31, 2011
4 Vital Steps to Help Teens Handle Your Divorce
4 Vital Steps to Help Teens Handle Your Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Many divorcing parents put all their attention on helping their younger children cope while assuming their teenager will understand and adapt. Unfortunately studies have shown that in many cases teens will deal with divorce in more self-destructive and dangerous ways than younger children. Don't be misled by their seeming independence and self-sufficiency. Often, behind that mask lie deep insecurity, anxiety, mistrust and fear.
Typically teens fall into one of two areas of concern - internalizing and isolation or acting out and aggression. Some teens turn inward, hardly talk to you, lose interest in school, start exploring drug or alcohol use and demonstrate a detached, "whatever" type of attitude.
Others start getting defensive, develop angry outbursts, curse and talk back. Pushing you away and "leave me alone" responses or physical reactions such as punching walls or throwing objects can create great tension and fear in the home.
These children need and are craving more attention as well as structure and supervision in their lives. They see the chaos of the divorce as an excuse to express their frustration and repressed anger. How you respond will play a big part in creating more positive outcomes.
Here are four important steps you can take to bring your family closer together during these challenges times:
1. Maintain family routines. Try as much as possible to keep up with school, sports, clubs, curfews and other routines that were part of your teen's life. Having meals and other experiences together helps to cement the bond that we are still a family and care about one another.
2. Reinforce your love. Remind your teen, just like your younger children, that the divorce is in no way their fault or responsibility. Tell them how much you love and value them and that you will always be there for them. Teens are often embarrassed to talk about their feelings. Open the door to conversations and when your teen does talk, be sure to listen rather than lecture.
3. Be a true role model. When you respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally to a challenge you are modeling healthy ways to handle tough situations. This is valuable for your own well-being and demonstrates positive ways of processing your feelings. Above all, never bad-mouth their other parent or confide adult content to your teen. The results are always destructive.
4. Create positive new experiences. Encourage your teen's friends to come over for pizza and video nights. Redecorate a room together. Adopt a new pet or take a mini vacation together to a family fun spot you haven't visited before. This sets the stage for new beginnings and happy memories post-divorce as your family starts a new chapter in their lives.
Never underestimate the impact of divorce on your children - especially your more independent teens. Behind their reassurance might be a deep well of untapped confusion and pain. Be there ... watch ... listen ... and observe your teen while modeling the best behavior you can. Divorce is never easy. But it can be a positive life lesson for everyone in the family when handled from that perspective. The more responsibly you behave, the easier it will be for your teen to adapt to the changes and challenges of your divorce.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Many divorcing parents put all their attention on helping their younger children cope while assuming their teenager will understand and adapt. Unfortunately studies have shown that in many cases teens will deal with divorce in more self-destructive and dangerous ways than younger children. Don't be misled by their seeming independence and self-sufficiency. Often, behind that mask lie deep insecurity, anxiety, mistrust and fear.
Typically teens fall into one of two areas of concern - internalizing and isolation or acting out and aggression. Some teens turn inward, hardly talk to you, lose interest in school, start exploring drug or alcohol use and demonstrate a detached, "whatever" type of attitude.
Others start getting defensive, develop angry outbursts, curse and talk back. Pushing you away and "leave me alone" responses or physical reactions such as punching walls or throwing objects can create great tension and fear in the home.
These children need and are craving more attention as well as structure and supervision in their lives. They see the chaos of the divorce as an excuse to express their frustration and repressed anger. How you respond will play a big part in creating more positive outcomes.
Here are four important steps you can take to bring your family closer together during these challenges times:
1. Maintain family routines. Try as much as possible to keep up with school, sports, clubs, curfews and other routines that were part of your teen's life. Having meals and other experiences together helps to cement the bond that we are still a family and care about one another.
2. Reinforce your love. Remind your teen, just like your younger children, that the divorce is in no way their fault or responsibility. Tell them how much you love and value them and that you will always be there for them. Teens are often embarrassed to talk about their feelings. Open the door to conversations and when your teen does talk, be sure to listen rather than lecture.
3. Be a true role model. When you respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally to a challenge you are modeling healthy ways to handle tough situations. This is valuable for your own well-being and demonstrates positive ways of processing your feelings. Above all, never bad-mouth their other parent or confide adult content to your teen. The results are always destructive.
4. Create positive new experiences. Encourage your teen's friends to come over for pizza and video nights. Redecorate a room together. Adopt a new pet or take a mini vacation together to a family fun spot you haven't visited before. This sets the stage for new beginnings and happy memories post-divorce as your family starts a new chapter in their lives.
Never underestimate the impact of divorce on your children - especially your more independent teens. Behind their reassurance might be a deep well of untapped confusion and pain. Be there ... watch ... listen ... and observe your teen while modeling the best behavior you can. Divorce is never easy. But it can be a positive life lesson for everyone in the family when handled from that perspective. The more responsibly you behave, the easier it will be for your teen to adapt to the changes and challenges of your divorce.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa
Angry Teens
When your thought patterns rub up against those of your teenager, you can either take it personally and get upset yourself, or you can use it as an opportunity to help bring healing and a new perspective to your child.
Teens get angry for a number of reasons; from fear, feelings of injustice, insecurity, loneliness, overactive hormones, lack of sleep, peer bullying, a growing need for independence and just trying to make sense out of life. Parents get angry when their teens behave in ways that aren’t appropriate or if they feel their children aren’t showing them proper respect. If parents don’t understand that their teenager’s anger may be about something totally separate from them, they might go about lighting the fuse in the dynamite by reacting too harshly. So, guess which party needs to “man up” and defuse the situation?
You don’t have to throw up your hands in resignation and despair if you’re dealing with an angry child. I want to share with you four powerful techniques you can use to defuse anger—practical steps that actually work in the real world.
1) Be a Model. Many times in the heat of anger a person realizes they’re going too far, but they don’t know how to back off and cool down. It’s an important ability for either party, but it is learned by the parent modeling it to their children. For instance, when I’m talking to a child who is angry, I look for a way to identify with him. If he accuses me of not understanding, I say something like, “You’re right. I didn’t listen well enough. I was wrong. Tell me again.” What I’m trying to show them is what it looks like to cool down, step back, and say, “I was wrong.”
One of the most important things to remember is that feelings aren’t something you can control or necessarily reason with. You can’t argue them away, even if you are completely right. In fact, the more right you are about the other person being wrong, the more angry they will get. If a pot is boiling over on the stove, telling it to cool off doesn’t help. You have to turn down the heat and let it cool.
The “stand your ground” drill sergeant approach of “yelling and telling” doesn’t work. That just models shouting and will turn your home into an unending scream fest as your teenagers gain the confidence to respond in kind. Correcting an angry teen with equal or greater anger is like throwing gasoline on a raging fire. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” Instead, remain calm. Spend time listening and trying to get an idea of what they really want. Remember that anger is a symptom—so don’t try to beat it, treat it or cover it up. Find the disease—the disappointment that is driving the anger, and focus on dealing with that.
2) Make Your Home a Respite. Kids enter a jungle when they walk out the front door. School has always been a tough place. My nicknames in high school were “eagle beak” and “chicken legs.” Today the bullying is far worse, in and out of school through online chat rooms, cell phone texting, and social networks like Facebook and Twitter, where insults can reach the teen (and the world) wherever they are.
So, in our homes we can show our teens that even if they’re upset with us, or the whole world seems to be upset with them, we still love them and accept them unconditionally. When we’ve seemingly become the focus of their anger, it can really cut against our grain personally, but we need to wear our parent hats and avoid being defensive. In fact, don’t even try to quash their anger. If you do, they may well try to seek other ways to deal with their frustration, like drinking or taking drugs to cover up having to think about it. Rather, having a safe place to “blow off steam” and talk about it allows them to process what they’re feeling. After all, they probably aren’t even angry at you, they’re just taking it out on you because you are a convenient target.
This is the heart of the reason why conflict provides the opportunity to strengthen and deepen the relationship. If it is handled correctly, with caring and without defensiveness, it gives us opportunity to talk and to lift them up — to be on their side. We can also share the inappropriateness of shifting their anger to attacking the ones they love. And each time they are upset, they’ll be less explosive because they’ll know they can safely come to us to talk about it.
3) Get Closer/Lower. When I’m dealing with an angry teenager, I don’t walk away. I get closer to them and I intentionally position myself below them. If they’re standing, I sit. If they’re sitting in a chair, I sit on the floor. It’s a way to signal that I’m not going to force my opinion on them. I’m telling them without saying a word that I want there to be a two-way conversation about what is bothering them. It’s a way of lowering the temperature, and encouraging them to talk.
Because of the difference between the boys and girls communicate, I’ll often take a guy for a ride in the car to have a longer talk after things have cooled down. If they’re not facing me, it can be easier for them to open up about what is behind the anger they’re expressing. Or, do something physical, like fishing, playing basketball, or jogging. If you have a daughter that’s upset, that talk may go better on a walk, a visit to the mall, or at a coffee shop. In any case, find ways to get them to converse with you.
Remember that we’re not trying to squelch the anger and make it go away; we’re trying to get at the root cause and allow them to release some of their steam. There are many legitimate causes for anger. The Bible says, “Be angry, but don’t sin.” (Ephesians 4:26) But when anger brings the teen to a point that they are spinning out of control, it can be because their relationship with the parents isn’t such that they feel they can share their frustrations. Who else can they talk to?
4) Plan Ahead. If you know there is something bothering your teen, prepare yourself before you talk to them. Think about your objectives for the conversation, and how you will go about accomplishing them. Think about what you will say and how you will act if they attack you for not caring or understanding, or for letting them down. Think about what you can do to help them channel their angry energy into non-destructive outlets. Especially think about what could go wrong during the conversation. Spending some time like this ahead of the conversation will pay enormous benefits.
Dee-Dee Meyer points out the importance of positive feedback to healthy ego development for your teen. She says, “For every negative thing I say, I try to say two positive things.” So, in preparation for your talk, plan what positive things you will say. Put yourself in their place. Remember how important “little” things were to you when you were a teenager. Try to empathize with their emotions, even if they are unrealistic and immature. You’re helping them grow and develop by helping them respond properly to what is making them angry.
Finally, prepare an exit strategy for what you will do if things start to get out of hand. Though the issue does need to be resolved, often taking a break for everyone to cool off is the best step. You can say something like, “I want to think about what you said, and you can think about what I said. Then we’ll get back together and talk.” This doesn’t place blame or shame them; it puts you both on the same level and allows the conversation to continue when things calm down.
A Real Life Example
One of the young men we’re working with at Heartlight is here primarily because of anger. He was getting into a lot of fights and arguments with his parents. He told me, “There was a lot of conflict, especially with my dad. We both had a hard time admitting we were wrong. We went to a lot of counseling sessions but things weren’t getting any better. Eventually we stopped talking.” And then he stopped doing his schoolwork because his dad was really focused on his grades. “I did it to annoy Dad,” he said.
When he expressed his anger, he was punished, and that just frustrated him more, so it was a vicious cycle. Things finally got so bad that the counselor suggested his parents send him to Heartlight. In six months with us, he’s been learning to manage and control his anger. He’s learned the importance of blowing off steam appropriately. He gets his stress worked out by exercising. “After doing that for while, it’s easier for me to talk calmly,” he said.
Remember, conflict is a precursor to change. Look beyond their anger to what may be causing it. Never allow their anger to force you to reduce consequences, nor allow it to turn violent, disrespectful or threatening. If it does, it will only get worse, so get the help of another adult, a counselor or the authorities if needed. Hopefully you’ll get it under control before it gets so far out of hand by making an intentional effort to help your teen talk about and get beyond what is upsetting them.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our radio program last weekend titled “Defusing Teen Anger.” Listen online here (or look for the program dated March 23, 2011 at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org).
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com.
Teens get angry for a number of reasons; from fear, feelings of injustice, insecurity, loneliness, overactive hormones, lack of sleep, peer bullying, a growing need for independence and just trying to make sense out of life. Parents get angry when their teens behave in ways that aren’t appropriate or if they feel their children aren’t showing them proper respect. If parents don’t understand that their teenager’s anger may be about something totally separate from them, they might go about lighting the fuse in the dynamite by reacting too harshly. So, guess which party needs to “man up” and defuse the situation?
You don’t have to throw up your hands in resignation and despair if you’re dealing with an angry child. I want to share with you four powerful techniques you can use to defuse anger—practical steps that actually work in the real world.
1) Be a Model. Many times in the heat of anger a person realizes they’re going too far, but they don’t know how to back off and cool down. It’s an important ability for either party, but it is learned by the parent modeling it to their children. For instance, when I’m talking to a child who is angry, I look for a way to identify with him. If he accuses me of not understanding, I say something like, “You’re right. I didn’t listen well enough. I was wrong. Tell me again.” What I’m trying to show them is what it looks like to cool down, step back, and say, “I was wrong.”
One of the most important things to remember is that feelings aren’t something you can control or necessarily reason with. You can’t argue them away, even if you are completely right. In fact, the more right you are about the other person being wrong, the more angry they will get. If a pot is boiling over on the stove, telling it to cool off doesn’t help. You have to turn down the heat and let it cool.
The “stand your ground” drill sergeant approach of “yelling and telling” doesn’t work. That just models shouting and will turn your home into an unending scream fest as your teenagers gain the confidence to respond in kind. Correcting an angry teen with equal or greater anger is like throwing gasoline on a raging fire. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” Instead, remain calm. Spend time listening and trying to get an idea of what they really want. Remember that anger is a symptom—so don’t try to beat it, treat it or cover it up. Find the disease—the disappointment that is driving the anger, and focus on dealing with that.
2) Make Your Home a Respite. Kids enter a jungle when they walk out the front door. School has always been a tough place. My nicknames in high school were “eagle beak” and “chicken legs.” Today the bullying is far worse, in and out of school through online chat rooms, cell phone texting, and social networks like Facebook and Twitter, where insults can reach the teen (and the world) wherever they are.
So, in our homes we can show our teens that even if they’re upset with us, or the whole world seems to be upset with them, we still love them and accept them unconditionally. When we’ve seemingly become the focus of their anger, it can really cut against our grain personally, but we need to wear our parent hats and avoid being defensive. In fact, don’t even try to quash their anger. If you do, they may well try to seek other ways to deal with their frustration, like drinking or taking drugs to cover up having to think about it. Rather, having a safe place to “blow off steam” and talk about it allows them to process what they’re feeling. After all, they probably aren’t even angry at you, they’re just taking it out on you because you are a convenient target.
This is the heart of the reason why conflict provides the opportunity to strengthen and deepen the relationship. If it is handled correctly, with caring and without defensiveness, it gives us opportunity to talk and to lift them up — to be on their side. We can also share the inappropriateness of shifting their anger to attacking the ones they love. And each time they are upset, they’ll be less explosive because they’ll know they can safely come to us to talk about it.
3) Get Closer/Lower. When I’m dealing with an angry teenager, I don’t walk away. I get closer to them and I intentionally position myself below them. If they’re standing, I sit. If they’re sitting in a chair, I sit on the floor. It’s a way to signal that I’m not going to force my opinion on them. I’m telling them without saying a word that I want there to be a two-way conversation about what is bothering them. It’s a way of lowering the temperature, and encouraging them to talk.
Because of the difference between the boys and girls communicate, I’ll often take a guy for a ride in the car to have a longer talk after things have cooled down. If they’re not facing me, it can be easier for them to open up about what is behind the anger they’re expressing. Or, do something physical, like fishing, playing basketball, or jogging. If you have a daughter that’s upset, that talk may go better on a walk, a visit to the mall, or at a coffee shop. In any case, find ways to get them to converse with you.
Remember that we’re not trying to squelch the anger and make it go away; we’re trying to get at the root cause and allow them to release some of their steam. There are many legitimate causes for anger. The Bible says, “Be angry, but don’t sin.” (Ephesians 4:26) But when anger brings the teen to a point that they are spinning out of control, it can be because their relationship with the parents isn’t such that they feel they can share their frustrations. Who else can they talk to?
4) Plan Ahead. If you know there is something bothering your teen, prepare yourself before you talk to them. Think about your objectives for the conversation, and how you will go about accomplishing them. Think about what you will say and how you will act if they attack you for not caring or understanding, or for letting them down. Think about what you can do to help them channel their angry energy into non-destructive outlets. Especially think about what could go wrong during the conversation. Spending some time like this ahead of the conversation will pay enormous benefits.
Dee-Dee Meyer points out the importance of positive feedback to healthy ego development for your teen. She says, “For every negative thing I say, I try to say two positive things.” So, in preparation for your talk, plan what positive things you will say. Put yourself in their place. Remember how important “little” things were to you when you were a teenager. Try to empathize with their emotions, even if they are unrealistic and immature. You’re helping them grow and develop by helping them respond properly to what is making them angry.
Finally, prepare an exit strategy for what you will do if things start to get out of hand. Though the issue does need to be resolved, often taking a break for everyone to cool off is the best step. You can say something like, “I want to think about what you said, and you can think about what I said. Then we’ll get back together and talk.” This doesn’t place blame or shame them; it puts you both on the same level and allows the conversation to continue when things calm down.
A Real Life Example
One of the young men we’re working with at Heartlight is here primarily because of anger. He was getting into a lot of fights and arguments with his parents. He told me, “There was a lot of conflict, especially with my dad. We both had a hard time admitting we were wrong. We went to a lot of counseling sessions but things weren’t getting any better. Eventually we stopped talking.” And then he stopped doing his schoolwork because his dad was really focused on his grades. “I did it to annoy Dad,” he said.
When he expressed his anger, he was punished, and that just frustrated him more, so it was a vicious cycle. Things finally got so bad that the counselor suggested his parents send him to Heartlight. In six months with us, he’s been learning to manage and control his anger. He’s learned the importance of blowing off steam appropriately. He gets his stress worked out by exercising. “After doing that for while, it’s easier for me to talk calmly,” he said.
Remember, conflict is a precursor to change. Look beyond their anger to what may be causing it. Never allow their anger to force you to reduce consequences, nor allow it to turn violent, disrespectful or threatening. If it does, it will only get worse, so get the help of another adult, a counselor or the authorities if needed. Hopefully you’ll get it under control before it gets so far out of hand by making an intentional effort to help your teen talk about and get beyond what is upsetting them.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our radio program last weekend titled “Defusing Teen Anger.” Listen online here (or look for the program dated March 23, 2011 at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org).
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com.
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