What's Your Co-Parenting Style -- Cooperative, Parallel or Somewhere In-Between?
by Cindy Harari, Esq.
My Guest Author today is Cindy Harari, Esq. who offers a valuable perspective on how to handle day-to-day parenting decisions in the most beneficial manner for your family. She also asks key questions every parent should be able to answer to achieve harmonious co-parenting for years to come.
One of many difficult things parents must do after divorce is deal with their child(ren)'s other parent. While some aspects of "the deal" are spelled out in documents such as temporary or permanent court orders or final marital settlement agreements, most of the "parenting" details are not explicitly written down.
For example, a document provides that the child(ren) are to spend every Tuesday night and alternating weekends with Parent A. In most instances, an agreement will include times for pick up and/or drop off. In some cases, especially if there is a safety issue, the agreement will include a location for the child(ren) to be picked up and/or dropped off. So what's missing?
To begin with, the time(s) that may be appropriate for one child in the family may not be appropriate for another. Or the location for pick up and/or drop off for one child may not be appropriate for another. In some instances, the document may not specify which parent is responsible for driving the children to and/or from particular locations. Also, how are the child(ren)'s clothing and/or school supplies to be transported? On a particular weekend, one child may have a special event (sports, birthday party) or doctor's appointment that occurs during the weekend so parental decisions must be made and schedules may have to be accommodated. What about that birthday party for your child(ren)'s friend? Which parent buys the gift? What if the child(ren) are at Parent A's home but they need something that is located at Parent B's home? What if the child(ren) want to participate in an extracurricular activity that involves weekends? The possibilities are endless. But just as these scenarios may become conflicts, they are also opportunities for development of communication and problem-solving skills.
Parenting styles vary within households - even intact households where divorce is not an issue. Ask yourself the following questions to begin to assess your parenting style:
1. Are you more comfortable with structured communication procedures? Do you prefer to have precise rules about how and when you will communicate with your child(ren)'s other parent? (parallel parenting style) - or - Are you more comfortable with frequent communication? Do you prefer to have informal, regular exchanges of information with your child(ren)'s other parent? (cooperative parenting style)
2. Do you make decisions on your own regarding issues involving your children? (parallel style) -or - Do you participate in joint decision-making after discussion of issues? (cooperative style)
3. Do you have "house rules" that may be different from the way things are in the home of your child(ren)'s other parent? (parallel) - or - Do you and your child(ren)'s other parent agree about fundamental principles and have shared expectations regarding your child(ren)? (cooperative)
4. Are you able to be in the same place at the same time with your child(ren)'s other parent with some degree of comfort for yourself and your child(ren)? Can both parents attend school events, teacher conferences, etc. together? (cooperative) - or - Would you prefer to meet with teachers separately and take turns attending school and/or extracurricular events? (parallel)
5. Are you most comfortable when you stick to a set schedule, with little to no variation? (parallel) - or - Are you willing to be flexible regarding scheduling in the best interests of your child(ren)? (cooperative)
Although experts may advocate "cooperative" parenting for divorced parents, this may be quite difficult at times. When emotions are running high, even parents with the best intentions may have trouble communicating calmly with their child(ren)'s other parent. Sometimes a parent may deny a request about scheduling simply because they do not understand the child(ren)'s feelings about the schedule change. This makes sense since such requests are generally (and, depending on the child(ren)'s age(s)) made between one parent and the other. Negative personal feelings between the parents easily interfere with the best interests of their child(ren). It helps to have professional assistance to clarify the issues and re-focus on doing the right thing for the children. This isn't therapy - this is parenting coordination - an alternative dispute resolution process.
A Parenting Coordinator ("PC") is an alternative dispute resolution professional. The PC should have professional licensure in law or mental health, training in mediation, have a working knowledge of child and adolescent development and family systems, have specific training in parenting coordination and the ability to work within the framework of the alternative dispute resolution process. Parenting coordination is not therapy, it is not advocacy for one parent against the other, and it is not an evaluation procedure conducted regarding custody.
It is important to remember that divorce is a transformative process involving family members for an extended period of time - actually, forever. Even under the best of circumstances (whatever that means), parenting is challenging. Adding on factors related to divorce makes parenting even more challenging. Although it is useful for parenting plans in divorce agreements to be comprehensive and specific, it is virtually impossible for every detail to be addressed in a document. But that's actually a good thing. Why? Because children benefit as their divorced parents develop the ability to manage the details of parenting without conflict.
Do you really want to go to court and have a judge make decisions about your child(ren)? You know and love your child(ren). So does your child(ren)'s other parent. If the two of you have nothing else in common, you will always have your child(ren) in common. You may need help to develop practical, efficient techniques to communicate and make decisions, manage scheduling, set boundaries and clarify expectations. A Parenting Coordinator may be just the resource you need.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Child-Centered Divorce: Talking to Pre-teens
Child-Centered Divorce: Talking to Pre-teens
Talking to Pre-Teens about Divorce - Advice from M. Gary Neuman
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Your children's age plays a big part in how they will react to news about your divorce - as well as how they will adapt to the circumstances. No two children will respond in the same way, even if they are close in age, but professionals have found that certain emotions tend to be more prevalent at certain age groups.
Of course, divorce is not a time to compare your child with others to determine how appropriate their behavior seems to be. Your child's unique personality will play a big part in his or her response. However, there are certain tendencies that are more common at various ages. Wise parents learn what they can expect and so are not caught unprepared when their children act out or react negatively to the challenges of divorce.
M. Gary Neuman, a well-respected marriage and family therapist (seen on Oprah twice in 2007) is an expert on children's post-divorce behavior. He tells parents that children under the age of nine tend to respond to hurtful situations with sadness, but that's not necessarily the case for older children.
Anger and resentment are much more prevalent after age nine. "Anger gives a child experiencing divorce a sense of control," says Neuman. "Since it is a more assertive response than crying to mommy -- children between nine and twelve see anger as a grown-up way of handling their emotions."
"At this stage, kids usually also try to detach themselves from the family and may appear ambivalent about the divorce," he adds. "Don't be fooled. Both the anger and seeming lack of interest are defense mechanisms."
The pre-teen is at an awkward state of maturity which is beyond that of a little child, but not at the level of a teen. Their ability to understand emotions is still rather limited and consequently, their behavior can seem distant and unfeeling. According to Neuman, when you talk about divorce to your nine to twelve year old don't be surprised if they ...
See it in strict black-and-white terms and want to lay blame squarely on one of their parents.
View the divorce as a rejection of them personally.
Push you to treat them like an "adult," asking for detailed information about the failure of the relationship.
As with all children, pre-teens need to be reminded that you love them, that you will always still be their parents, that they will be safe and cared for and that you are working out the details so that everything will be okay.
When they ask why you are getting a divorce, you don't need to go into great depth. Talk about behaviors without blame or accusation.
"We didn't know how to stop arguing and walk away from a fight," is the type of language that Neuman suggests. If you can be honest with yourself and your children, here's another suggested way to frame your answer:
"We didn't listen to each other enough. You know how sometimes you want to say something so much you don't even hear what the other person is saying? That's how your mother/father and I got to be. We cared more about what we wanted to say and not enough about what the other person was saying."
When it comes to questions about the future, Neuman suggests an answer that reminds your children that both Mom and Dad still want to be in their lives as much as possible because we both still love you. "Then," says Neuman, "spell out custody and visitation arrangements as clearly and in as much detail as you can."
If you're not sure how to talk to your children about the divorce, seek out professional coaching, therapy, courses and books. My own book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! gives you fill-in-the-blank templates to make the process simple yet very effective.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Talking to Pre-Teens about Divorce - Advice from M. Gary Neuman
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Your children's age plays a big part in how they will react to news about your divorce - as well as how they will adapt to the circumstances. No two children will respond in the same way, even if they are close in age, but professionals have found that certain emotions tend to be more prevalent at certain age groups.
Of course, divorce is not a time to compare your child with others to determine how appropriate their behavior seems to be. Your child's unique personality will play a big part in his or her response. However, there are certain tendencies that are more common at various ages. Wise parents learn what they can expect and so are not caught unprepared when their children act out or react negatively to the challenges of divorce.
M. Gary Neuman, a well-respected marriage and family therapist (seen on Oprah twice in 2007) is an expert on children's post-divorce behavior. He tells parents that children under the age of nine tend to respond to hurtful situations with sadness, but that's not necessarily the case for older children.
Anger and resentment are much more prevalent after age nine. "Anger gives a child experiencing divorce a sense of control," says Neuman. "Since it is a more assertive response than crying to mommy -- children between nine and twelve see anger as a grown-up way of handling their emotions."
"At this stage, kids usually also try to detach themselves from the family and may appear ambivalent about the divorce," he adds. "Don't be fooled. Both the anger and seeming lack of interest are defense mechanisms."
The pre-teen is at an awkward state of maturity which is beyond that of a little child, but not at the level of a teen. Their ability to understand emotions is still rather limited and consequently, their behavior can seem distant and unfeeling. According to Neuman, when you talk about divorce to your nine to twelve year old don't be surprised if they ...
See it in strict black-and-white terms and want to lay blame squarely on one of their parents.
View the divorce as a rejection of them personally.
Push you to treat them like an "adult," asking for detailed information about the failure of the relationship.
As with all children, pre-teens need to be reminded that you love them, that you will always still be their parents, that they will be safe and cared for and that you are working out the details so that everything will be okay.
When they ask why you are getting a divorce, you don't need to go into great depth. Talk about behaviors without blame or accusation.
"We didn't know how to stop arguing and walk away from a fight," is the type of language that Neuman suggests. If you can be honest with yourself and your children, here's another suggested way to frame your answer:
"We didn't listen to each other enough. You know how sometimes you want to say something so much you don't even hear what the other person is saying? That's how your mother/father and I got to be. We cared more about what we wanted to say and not enough about what the other person was saying."
When it comes to questions about the future, Neuman suggests an answer that reminds your children that both Mom and Dad still want to be in their lives as much as possible because we both still love you. "Then," says Neuman, "spell out custody and visitation arrangements as clearly and in as much detail as you can."
If you're not sure how to talk to your children about the divorce, seek out professional coaching, therapy, courses and books. My own book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! gives you fill-in-the-blank templates to make the process simple yet very effective.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Collaborative Divorce -- Robin Williams Sets a Good Example
Collaborative Divorce -- Robin Williams Sets a Good Example
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
We all know what poor role models celebrities can be when it comes to taking the moral high road. Divorce is an area that has offered too few examples of positive behavior, especially regarding issues affecting celebrity children. For this reason I am constantly seeking out those in the limelight who are, in fact, demonstrating positive alternatives because of their enormous influence in our culture.
Fortunately the world of divorce now has a new figure speaking out on the side of sanity and positive outcomes. The actor Robin Williams and his wife Marsha chose not to create a messy, expensive divorce battle in the courts, taking instead a responsible and respectful course of action for the sake of their children.
Even more impressive, Williams went public with his story on national TV shows, acknowledging his wife and emphasizing the importance of keeping it clean so that their children needn't suffer the consequences.
"I'm lucky... with someone like Marsha. We have amazing kids and it's not a slash and burn," said Williams when talking to Ellen DeGeneres. "I think a lot of times divorce can be like circumcision with a weed whacker," the comedian added, making a significant point in his own colorful style.
Here's the part that really deserves our attention - and recognition. The two made public their decision to create a written agreement outlining their goals and stating their intention to remain respectful of each other during the upcoming divorce proceedings.
Their agreement stated, "We will strive to be honest, cooperative and respectful as we work in this process to achieve the future well being of our families." Of special interest to me is the following statement in the agreement: "We commit ourselves to the collaborative law process and agree to seek a positive way to resolve our differences justly and equitably."
That means Robin and Marsha have chosen the Collaborative Divorce model which has received little media attention as an alternative to adversarial litigation. As a strong proponent of Child-Centered Divorce, I heartily endorse this decision and hope it will become an example for other couples facing divorce decisions when children are involved.
What makes a divorce "Collaborative"? In the simplest terms:
1. Attorneys and clients sign a written agreement to work toward settlement and not go to court.
2. Neutral experts are hired by the parties (financial, parenting, etc.) - no battle of the experts.
3. Parties agree to make a full and candid exchange of information - no hiding the ball.
Not every divorce case can be settled collaboratively, but if more couples were aware of this option and agreed to strive for the best interest of the entire family, how different long-term outcomes of divorce would be!
Robin and Marsha Williams had been married for 19 years and have two children together. No one wishes divorce upon any family, but the Williams' children are fortunate to have such caring, enlightened parents
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
We all know what poor role models celebrities can be when it comes to taking the moral high road. Divorce is an area that has offered too few examples of positive behavior, especially regarding issues affecting celebrity children. For this reason I am constantly seeking out those in the limelight who are, in fact, demonstrating positive alternatives because of their enormous influence in our culture.
Fortunately the world of divorce now has a new figure speaking out on the side of sanity and positive outcomes. The actor Robin Williams and his wife Marsha chose not to create a messy, expensive divorce battle in the courts, taking instead a responsible and respectful course of action for the sake of their children.
Even more impressive, Williams went public with his story on national TV shows, acknowledging his wife and emphasizing the importance of keeping it clean so that their children needn't suffer the consequences.
"I'm lucky... with someone like Marsha. We have amazing kids and it's not a slash and burn," said Williams when talking to Ellen DeGeneres. "I think a lot of times divorce can be like circumcision with a weed whacker," the comedian added, making a significant point in his own colorful style.
Here's the part that really deserves our attention - and recognition. The two made public their decision to create a written agreement outlining their goals and stating their intention to remain respectful of each other during the upcoming divorce proceedings.
Their agreement stated, "We will strive to be honest, cooperative and respectful as we work in this process to achieve the future well being of our families." Of special interest to me is the following statement in the agreement: "We commit ourselves to the collaborative law process and agree to seek a positive way to resolve our differences justly and equitably."
That means Robin and Marsha have chosen the Collaborative Divorce model which has received little media attention as an alternative to adversarial litigation. As a strong proponent of Child-Centered Divorce, I heartily endorse this decision and hope it will become an example for other couples facing divorce decisions when children are involved.
What makes a divorce "Collaborative"? In the simplest terms:
1. Attorneys and clients sign a written agreement to work toward settlement and not go to court.
2. Neutral experts are hired by the parties (financial, parenting, etc.) - no battle of the experts.
3. Parties agree to make a full and candid exchange of information - no hiding the ball.
Not every divorce case can be settled collaboratively, but if more couples were aware of this option and agreed to strive for the best interest of the entire family, how different long-term outcomes of divorce would be!
Robin and Marsha Williams had been married for 19 years and have two children together. No one wishes divorce upon any family, but the Williams' children are fortunate to have such caring, enlightened parents
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Child-Centered Divorce: Working with Divorce Professionals Finding the Right Divorce Professionals
Child-Centered Divorce: Working with Divorce Professionals
Finding the Right Divorce Professionals
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Over the past six months, through marketing my new book, I have met a remarkable community of experts. Each of them has focused their careers on supporting and assisting people moving through and beyond divorce. Impressively, some are collaborative or child-centered attorneys. This special breed really cares about helping families avoid unnecessary litigation to save couples both money and sanity, especially when children are concerned.
Others are mediators devoted to assisting couples to move through the maze of decisions regarding divorce and come out on the other side with a win/win resolution. I've also met many very devoted Divorce Coaches who can guide you through every facet of the divorce process, answering questions and helping you determine the best outcome for your personal needs, especially post-divorce.
I'm always impressed with the wonderful mental health counselors and therapists who lend their expertise to divorce-related issues. They understand the emotional, psychological, physical and mental dynamics that come about through separation and divorce. These counselors always provide a fresh, supportive perspective on how to overcome your challenges in the best way for your own well-being and that of your family.
I've met wonderful people specializing in financial, mortgage and related issues specifically focused on the consequences of divorce. There's much to learn from these professionals so you are financially prepared to encounter your life experiences without regrets in the months and years following your divorce. And equally important are the career counselors and other transition professionals who understand the challenges you face and can guide you in creating fulfillment and prosperity in the years ahead.
Don't hesitate to take advantage of this wealth of knowledge, compassion and enlightened vision that you can find from the right professionals. And if the people you are dealing with don't make you feel supported and cared about, fire them and move on to another. It is essential to find the right fit and feel comfortable in seeking out experts with whom you can share your concerns at this very vulnerable time in your life.
If you are not a surgeon you would not operate on yourself or a loved one when they are in need. Why not trust the expertise of a divorce professional when you need guidance in this challenging arena? Ask around for referrals, interview your candidates in detail, trust your gut - and then make a commitment to getting the professional assistance you need from just the right person.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
Finding the Right Divorce Professionals
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Over the past six months, through marketing my new book, I have met a remarkable community of experts. Each of them has focused their careers on supporting and assisting people moving through and beyond divorce. Impressively, some are collaborative or child-centered attorneys. This special breed really cares about helping families avoid unnecessary litigation to save couples both money and sanity, especially when children are concerned.
Others are mediators devoted to assisting couples to move through the maze of decisions regarding divorce and come out on the other side with a win/win resolution. I've also met many very devoted Divorce Coaches who can guide you through every facet of the divorce process, answering questions and helping you determine the best outcome for your personal needs, especially post-divorce.
I'm always impressed with the wonderful mental health counselors and therapists who lend their expertise to divorce-related issues. They understand the emotional, psychological, physical and mental dynamics that come about through separation and divorce. These counselors always provide a fresh, supportive perspective on how to overcome your challenges in the best way for your own well-being and that of your family.
I've met wonderful people specializing in financial, mortgage and related issues specifically focused on the consequences of divorce. There's much to learn from these professionals so you are financially prepared to encounter your life experiences without regrets in the months and years following your divorce. And equally important are the career counselors and other transition professionals who understand the challenges you face and can guide you in creating fulfillment and prosperity in the years ahead.
Don't hesitate to take advantage of this wealth of knowledge, compassion and enlightened vision that you can find from the right professionals. And if the people you are dealing with don't make you feel supported and cared about, fire them and move on to another. It is essential to find the right fit and feel comfortable in seeking out experts with whom you can share your concerns at this very vulnerable time in your life.
If you are not a surgeon you would not operate on yourself or a loved one when they are in need. Why not trust the expertise of a divorce professional when you need guidance in this challenging arena? Ask around for referrals, interview your candidates in detail, trust your gut - and then make a commitment to getting the professional assistance you need from just the right person.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Divorce Done Wrong: Outrageous Parental Outbursts
Divorce Done Wrong: Outrageous Parental Outbursts
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Because I'm recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, my first concern revolves around children and divorce. This is my take on the many divorce-in-the-news cases that attract public attention. With new technology such as YouTube.com, social media sites, email alerts, MP3 files, etc. now available to anyone who wants their day in public, there's a new array of divorce-related venting, ranting and raving for all to see. The actress Trisha Walsh Smith's YouTube public blast about her husband and their divorce is one such example.
Trisha used the video format to put down her husband for not giving her a fair deal in their marriage and divorce. Fortunately Trisha does not have young children because they would be dramatically affected by such an ego-centric outburst. Should parents experiencing divorce follow her example, they will be doing lifelong damage to their innocent children (who have to "handle" the public attention to their parents' divorce!)
Even without young children, her "tirade" affected the personal lives of many members of her and his family, forcing them into the limelight without their consent. This is a very selfish approach to bringing attention to her personal plight. Right or wrong in her gripe, she had no right to drag others into this embarrassing outburst. Showing photos and criticizing his family in public went way beyond venting about her circumstances. She would have been mortified if her husband had behaved in the same manner.
Ultimately she received a lot of media attention, which was her goal. However I don't believe it worked in her favor. I believe we must remind adults that just because new technology is available in our world, it does not mean we should break the boundaries of civility, respect and maturity in trying to make our points. We can't use naivety about the consequences as an excuse for poor taste, emotional abuse, or immature behavior. Those boundaries should come from within.
What frightens me most is the fear that divorcing parents might emulate this behavior without thinking about how it would affect their children. Even grown children will be mortified by parents hauling their dirty laundry up the flag pole in public arenas, just because they can.
I believe this kind of behavior, in the future, will come to be known as pulling a "Trisha." Let's hope Trisha becomes a poster child for how not to conduct yourself when your divorce gets dirty and you feel like lashing out!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Because I'm recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, my first concern revolves around children and divorce. This is my take on the many divorce-in-the-news cases that attract public attention. With new technology such as YouTube.com, social media sites, email alerts, MP3 files, etc. now available to anyone who wants their day in public, there's a new array of divorce-related venting, ranting and raving for all to see. The actress Trisha Walsh Smith's YouTube public blast about her husband and their divorce is one such example.
Trisha used the video format to put down her husband for not giving her a fair deal in their marriage and divorce. Fortunately Trisha does not have young children because they would be dramatically affected by such an ego-centric outburst. Should parents experiencing divorce follow her example, they will be doing lifelong damage to their innocent children (who have to "handle" the public attention to their parents' divorce!)
Even without young children, her "tirade" affected the personal lives of many members of her and his family, forcing them into the limelight without their consent. This is a very selfish approach to bringing attention to her personal plight. Right or wrong in her gripe, she had no right to drag others into this embarrassing outburst. Showing photos and criticizing his family in public went way beyond venting about her circumstances. She would have been mortified if her husband had behaved in the same manner.
Ultimately she received a lot of media attention, which was her goal. However I don't believe it worked in her favor. I believe we must remind adults that just because new technology is available in our world, it does not mean we should break the boundaries of civility, respect and maturity in trying to make our points. We can't use naivety about the consequences as an excuse for poor taste, emotional abuse, or immature behavior. Those boundaries should come from within.
What frightens me most is the fear that divorcing parents might emulate this behavior without thinking about how it would affect their children. Even grown children will be mortified by parents hauling their dirty laundry up the flag pole in public arenas, just because they can.
I believe this kind of behavior, in the future, will come to be known as pulling a "Trisha." Let's hope Trisha becomes a poster child for how not to conduct yourself when your divorce gets dirty and you feel like lashing out!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Divorcing Parents: Don't Bring Your Battles to Court
Divorcing Parents: Don't Bring Your Battles to Court
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
You're getting divorced and you're angry, resentful, hurt, vindictive or any combination of other painful emotions. You want to lash out, to get back at your spouse or boost your own sense of esteem. Hiring the most aggressive litigious divorce lawyer you can find seems like your smartest choice. Your ex is in for a fight!
If you're a parent who is thinking along those lines, you're making a choice you may long regret.
If you choose a lawyer who directs you straight into a vicious court battle, the costs to you will be insurmountable - not only in financial outlay, but in emotional turmoil as well. Think long and hard before you move your divorce battle into the legal system. It is likely to take its toll on every member of your family - including your children - in the most destructive and gut-wrenching ways. It happens all the time. But it need not happen to you.
When you give your divorce outcome over to the courts, you are paving the way to unimaginable stress and frustration compounded by a sense of powerlessness that is hard to comprehend until you are in its grips. As you stand by and watch attorneys and judges make decisions about your life and your future you can't help but feel violated and helpless. The taste of revenge that you were after can easily turn into anxiety and shock when issues get twisted and victors become victims right before your eyes. The consequences can play out for years, and often decades, to come.
Sadly, your children are not protected from the emotional and psychological repercussions. When custody decisions are made by those who are focused more on financial issues than family issues, children's needs often get pushed aside in favor of other objectives. Relationships, balance and good will are not prime objectives in the battle of divorce, and the scars on your children's psyches are often overlooked in the legal blood-bath that ensues.
There are other ways. Better ways. And more ways than ever before to create a divorce that respects the rights of every one in the family.
Before engaging that "killer" attorney, talk to a Collaborative Divorce attorney who specializes in creating peaceful outcomes without going to court. Collaborative Lawyers are trained to use their own special skills along with the aid of financial planners, therapists, mediators and other resources to bring both sides into conversation about win-win outcomes. Children's needs get high consideration.
Certified Mediators offer another opportunity to create a fair settlement without litigation at a considerable cost savings. Many mediators are former divorce attorneys who have battled it out in court and know there are saner solutions for all concerned. They care about creating peaceful resolutions.
Learn from the lessons and mistakes of others. If you want to save yourself considerable expense - both emotionally and financially - and if you want your children to thank you when they are grown up for creating a civilized, sensible, harmonious divorce - make the right decisions today. Stay out of court. Stay out of the hands of killer attorneys. Stay in the good graces of your children. Create a Child-Centered Divorce - and reap the rewards for years to come!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
You're getting divorced and you're angry, resentful, hurt, vindictive or any combination of other painful emotions. You want to lash out, to get back at your spouse or boost your own sense of esteem. Hiring the most aggressive litigious divorce lawyer you can find seems like your smartest choice. Your ex is in for a fight!
If you're a parent who is thinking along those lines, you're making a choice you may long regret.
If you choose a lawyer who directs you straight into a vicious court battle, the costs to you will be insurmountable - not only in financial outlay, but in emotional turmoil as well. Think long and hard before you move your divorce battle into the legal system. It is likely to take its toll on every member of your family - including your children - in the most destructive and gut-wrenching ways. It happens all the time. But it need not happen to you.
When you give your divorce outcome over to the courts, you are paving the way to unimaginable stress and frustration compounded by a sense of powerlessness that is hard to comprehend until you are in its grips. As you stand by and watch attorneys and judges make decisions about your life and your future you can't help but feel violated and helpless. The taste of revenge that you were after can easily turn into anxiety and shock when issues get twisted and victors become victims right before your eyes. The consequences can play out for years, and often decades, to come.
Sadly, your children are not protected from the emotional and psychological repercussions. When custody decisions are made by those who are focused more on financial issues than family issues, children's needs often get pushed aside in favor of other objectives. Relationships, balance and good will are not prime objectives in the battle of divorce, and the scars on your children's psyches are often overlooked in the legal blood-bath that ensues.
There are other ways. Better ways. And more ways than ever before to create a divorce that respects the rights of every one in the family.
Before engaging that "killer" attorney, talk to a Collaborative Divorce attorney who specializes in creating peaceful outcomes without going to court. Collaborative Lawyers are trained to use their own special skills along with the aid of financial planners, therapists, mediators and other resources to bring both sides into conversation about win-win outcomes. Children's needs get high consideration.
Certified Mediators offer another opportunity to create a fair settlement without litigation at a considerable cost savings. Many mediators are former divorce attorneys who have battled it out in court and know there are saner solutions for all concerned. They care about creating peaceful resolutions.
Learn from the lessons and mistakes of others. If you want to save yourself considerable expense - both emotionally and financially - and if you want your children to thank you when they are grown up for creating a civilized, sensible, harmonious divorce - make the right decisions today. Stay out of court. Stay out of the hands of killer attorneys. Stay in the good graces of your children. Create a Child-Centered Divorce - and reap the rewards for years to come!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Child-Centered Divorce: Co-Parenting after divorce Co-Parenting After Divorce Takes Considerable Cooperation
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
While moving through a divorce can seem like an insurmountable obstacle, for many parents it is just the beginning of a new and equally intimidating challenge, co-parenting your children. Hats off to all of you who have chosen to remain in your children's lives as co-parents. It means both of you deeply care about your children and want to continue raising them in the least-disruptive possible manner.
Of course not all parents can share the parenting process in this way and for some couples it is not the ideal situation to even attempt it. But those couples who are determined to co-parent and choose to live relatively close to one another so as not to disturb the school, sports and other related schedules of their children, certainly deserve credit and acknowledgment.
This is a complex topic that can't be glossed over with a few simple how-tos. It is based on sincere levels of communication and a sense of trust between the former spouses. It is the path that I chose when I separated from my husband and we successfully mastered the ups and downs over the years without too much conflict and confusion. In fact, whenever my son, who was eleven when we first split, was with his father, I had a sense of peace and relief. I knew he was with the one person in the world that I most trusted to lovingly parent him so I could relax and enjoy my time off from parenting without anxiety.
That peace-of-mind is a major advantage to choosing the co-parenting route. Your children enjoy the security and comfort of being with their other parent when they are not with you. You are less dependent on strangers as caretakers in their lives, which is a win-win all around.
A friend of mine who is an author and parenting coach, Amy Botwinick, has some basic suggestions for mastering the art of co-parenting after divorce harmoniously. As a divorced parent herself who is now part of a blended family, she has much experience with this subject.
Here's Amy's advice:
One of the best things you can do for your children is to transition smoothly from spouse to co-parent with your former husband or wife. It won't always be easy and there will certainly be challenges along the way, but here are some things to remember that will help make your new relationship work.
If your ex is in your children's life, don't allow your children to call your boyfriend dad, daddy, father or anything close. Hopefully you will get the same treatment in return.
Never talk badly about their other parent, period. If children ask questions, try to give them age appropriate answers that are honest without passing judgment.
Always give your ex the first right of refusal regarding doing something special with your children before asking your new significant other to do it. For example, taking your teenage daughter for her driver's test.
If possible, try to celebrate birthdays, graduations and special events together with their other parent. Take into consideration each other's comfort issues and pick a place that will eliminate stress so you can enjoy your children and give them a sense of family.
Learn to pick your battles with your ex when it comes to the children. Get a feeling for what is worth discussing and what you actually have no control over.
Amy's wisdom is worth serious consideration. When you ignore any of these basic communication principles, you set yourself up for conflict, jealousy, stress and tension. Breaking these rules sabotages your sense of trust with your ex and that opens the door to mind games, retaliations, petty bickering and a lack of harmony for everyone in the family. Remember: when that happens, your children are the ones who pay the price!
Be the hero in your relationship with your children's other parent. Cooperate. Collaborate. Be flexible and do favors. You are much more likely to get them back in return.
* * *
Amy Botwinick is the author of Copngratulations On Your Divorce. She can be reached at www.todaysdivorcedwoman.com. Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
While moving through a divorce can seem like an insurmountable obstacle, for many parents it is just the beginning of a new and equally intimidating challenge, co-parenting your children. Hats off to all of you who have chosen to remain in your children's lives as co-parents. It means both of you deeply care about your children and want to continue raising them in the least-disruptive possible manner.
Of course not all parents can share the parenting process in this way and for some couples it is not the ideal situation to even attempt it. But those couples who are determined to co-parent and choose to live relatively close to one another so as not to disturb the school, sports and other related schedules of their children, certainly deserve credit and acknowledgment.
This is a complex topic that can't be glossed over with a few simple how-tos. It is based on sincere levels of communication and a sense of trust between the former spouses. It is the path that I chose when I separated from my husband and we successfully mastered the ups and downs over the years without too much conflict and confusion. In fact, whenever my son, who was eleven when we first split, was with his father, I had a sense of peace and relief. I knew he was with the one person in the world that I most trusted to lovingly parent him so I could relax and enjoy my time off from parenting without anxiety.
That peace-of-mind is a major advantage to choosing the co-parenting route. Your children enjoy the security and comfort of being with their other parent when they are not with you. You are less dependent on strangers as caretakers in their lives, which is a win-win all around.
A friend of mine who is an author and parenting coach, Amy Botwinick, has some basic suggestions for mastering the art of co-parenting after divorce harmoniously. As a divorced parent herself who is now part of a blended family, she has much experience with this subject.
Here's Amy's advice:
One of the best things you can do for your children is to transition smoothly from spouse to co-parent with your former husband or wife. It won't always be easy and there will certainly be challenges along the way, but here are some things to remember that will help make your new relationship work.
If your ex is in your children's life, don't allow your children to call your boyfriend dad, daddy, father or anything close. Hopefully you will get the same treatment in return.
Never talk badly about their other parent, period. If children ask questions, try to give them age appropriate answers that are honest without passing judgment.
Always give your ex the first right of refusal regarding doing something special with your children before asking your new significant other to do it. For example, taking your teenage daughter for her driver's test.
If possible, try to celebrate birthdays, graduations and special events together with their other parent. Take into consideration each other's comfort issues and pick a place that will eliminate stress so you can enjoy your children and give them a sense of family.
Learn to pick your battles with your ex when it comes to the children. Get a feeling for what is worth discussing and what you actually have no control over.
Amy's wisdom is worth serious consideration. When you ignore any of these basic communication principles, you set yourself up for conflict, jealousy, stress and tension. Breaking these rules sabotages your sense of trust with your ex and that opens the door to mind games, retaliations, petty bickering and a lack of harmony for everyone in the family. Remember: when that happens, your children are the ones who pay the price!
Be the hero in your relationship with your children's other parent. Cooperate. Collaborate. Be flexible and do favors. You are much more likely to get them back in return.
* * *
Amy Botwinick is the author of Copngratulations On Your Divorce. She can be reached at www.todaysdivorcedwoman.com. Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
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