Child-Centered Divorce: Significant Advice from Noted Attorney
Significant Advice from Karen Covy, author of "When Happily Ever
After Ends: How to Survive Your Divorce- Emotionally, Financially
and Legally"
Think that hiring a high-profile divorce lawyer is the best way to
get through the process? Chicago author and family attorney Karen
Covy takes the global view about the necessary ingredients to get
you through your divorce with the least amount of damage, for now
and in the future:
· Karma (what goes around comes around);
· Taking responsibility for yourself and your divorce
· Control (controlling your own emotions and not trying to
control your spouse)
· Using common sense in a divorce proceeding: What is best for
the kids? (caring negotiating regarding the holidays and
visitation in a divorce situation).
Karen shares her advice with ...
Ten Things You Should Never Do in Your Divorce -- some of which may
surprise you!
1. Never put your children in the middle of your divorce. It is not
your children's job to relay messages to your spouse, drop off your
child support check, or deal with your spouse simply because you
don't want to do it yourself.
2. Never do anything that will harm your children's relationship
with your spouse. Children love their parents. Bad-mouthing your
spouse, treating your spouse badly in front of the children or
purposely doing things to screw up your spouse's time with the
children doesn't just hurt your spouse. It hurts your kids. Don't
do it.
3. Never purposely destroy your property or your spouse's property
during the divorce. You might think you will feel better if you
slice up your spouse' clothing, destroy your spouse's family
photos, or ruin whatever it is that your spouse holds dear, but you
won't feel nearly as good about it when the judge in your case
orders you to pay for the things you destroyed.
4. Never purposely do anything just to inflict pain on your spouse.
In the heat of the moment you might think that making your spouse
miserable will make you feel better. For a short time, maybe it
even will. But what goes around, comes around. If you do something
mean and terrible to your spouse, just to make your spouse
miserable, someday, somehow, it will come back to you.
5. Never cancel your spouse's health insurance. If your spouse gets
hit by a truck while you're still married, who do you think is
going to be responsible for paying the bill? (Hint: It's not going
to be your spouse.)
6. Never quit your job just so you don't have to pay child support,
or so that your spouse has to pay to support you. Again, it sounds
good in theory, but don't be surprised if a judge isn't sympathetic
to your situation and orders you to go back to work and to pay your
spouse what you should have been paying in child support all along,
or refuses to order your spouse to pay to support you when you are
perfectly capable of supporting yourself.
7. Never take your children and move out of state, vacation out of
the country, or simply run away with them, without telling your
spouse. If you know your spouse (or your ex-spouse) is going to
object to your moving to Alaska with the children, don't think that
you can do it anyway, and as long as your spouse doesn't stop you
in advance, you'll get away with it. The quickest way to lose
custody of your children is to deprive your spouse of time with them.
8. Never stalk your spouse, break into your ex's house, or tamper
with the mail. A crime is a crime. If you commit a crime, you are
going to jail. There is no such thing as a "not guilty by reason of
insanity due to a divorce" defense.
9. Never intentionally blow off a court order. Your spouse might be
willing to put up with your excuses, avoidance activities, and bad
behavior, but a judge won't be so forgiving. If the judge has
ordered you to do something: do it. If you don't like the judge's
order, talk to your lawyer about finding a way to change it. But,
whatever you do, don't just blow off the court order because you
don't agree with what it says.
10. Never be afraid to let your spouse take credit for what you've
done. If you are married to the kind of spouse who needs to be in
control -- someone who needs to be "right" or needs to be a big
shot, and you come up with a way to settle your case, but your
spouse won't buy it because its your idea, then let your spouse
think the settlement was his or her idea. As long as you've got a
settlement that works, one in which your needs, and your children's
needs are being met, who cares who created that settlement? What's
important is getting what you need. Getting credit for getting what
you need doesn't matter.
Karen A. Covy, J.D., received her law degree magna cum laude from
the University of Notre Dame Law School. Since opening her own
Chicago practice in 1995, Covy focuses on family law, including
divorce, custody and parenting. Covy dedicates herself -- and her
practice -- to helping hundreds survive divorce and walk away with
grace.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for
customizing a personal family storybook that guides children
through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free
articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free
ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Monday, December 13, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Should Divorced Dads Get Equal Custody? Let the Battle Begin ...
Should Divorced Dads Get Equal Custody? Let the Battle Begin ...
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
More than ever before, divorce is making news. Much of it is due to changing legislation in many nations and several states within the U.S. regarding issues such as custody. In the past five years there have also been major shifts in our perceptions about divorce and the emergence of new alternatives that can simplify and reduce the time and cost involved in divorce proceedings. Consequently society is talking more and caring more about divorce than ever before in history.
This, I believe, is very good because with discussion comes awareness of the many complex challenges that surround divorce. This includes the many weaknesses and inequities in our divorce-related legal systems and the long-term consequences of poor decision-making as couples attempt to transition through the divorce maze.
Parade Magazine, a large publication that comes with Sunday newspaper supplements in many large cities around the U.S., sponsored a national poll. The question they asked was this: Should divorced dads get equal custody?
63% of their responses were YES and 37% were NO. Here are some quotes reflective of the responses.
On the YES side were comments such as "Just as women should get equal pay, dads should get equal custody. The 14th Amendment requires that people be treated equally, regardless of sex." Another YES response was "Children are more likely to thrive if they have access to both parents."
On the NO side was this comment, "It's too stressful for kids to be split between two homes. They need a constant, stable environment." Another NO quote said, "Each parent should maintain the role he or she had before the divorce. Usually, that means more time with Mom."
I wish there was a simple YES or NO answer to this question, but in my opinion, there isn't. Every family and every situation is unique. Trying to make such an enormously complicated issue as custody into a black and white/right or wrong answer is absurd. Now is the time to heighten our awareness about the enormous emotional and psychological effects of all custody decisions upon our children - not come up with simplistic one-size-fits-all legislation.
It's impossible to compare two families with different numbers of children of different ages and sexes living in different parts of any nation. Then add to the mix parents with different levels of emotional and educational involvement with their children, differing cultural and spiritual philosophies, and different levels of career commitment, financial security and child-care support. What you get is infinite diversity with no two families ever being quite the same.
Should divorced dads get equal custody of their children? Absolutely YES - when the right conditions are in place for the best interest of those children. And definitely NO - when the well-being of the children and their future is at risk. Who should decide? Sincere, loving parents along with the most caring, compassionate professionals they can access. These professionals must understand divorce dynamics to help create the best possible outcome for every one in the family - but especially the kids!
I always suggest divorce mediators as an excellent resource. Therapists who specialize in divorce and family counseling can also be very effective in contributing to your divorce team. Experienced Certified Divorce Coaches can offer valuable insights. Divorce Financial Analysts may also play an integral part in your peaceful resolution. Collaborative divorce attorneys who are comfortable working with these professionals can keep you on track for the purpose of creating a positive win-win resolution.
Take your parenting responsibility seriously! If you let your heart and head, but not your ego, lead you in making these crucial decisions you will honor your children and give them the best possible future in the years and decades to come. That is what I wish for every child touched by divorce!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
More than ever before, divorce is making news. Much of it is due to changing legislation in many nations and several states within the U.S. regarding issues such as custody. In the past five years there have also been major shifts in our perceptions about divorce and the emergence of new alternatives that can simplify and reduce the time and cost involved in divorce proceedings. Consequently society is talking more and caring more about divorce than ever before in history.
This, I believe, is very good because with discussion comes awareness of the many complex challenges that surround divorce. This includes the many weaknesses and inequities in our divorce-related legal systems and the long-term consequences of poor decision-making as couples attempt to transition through the divorce maze.
Parade Magazine, a large publication that comes with Sunday newspaper supplements in many large cities around the U.S., sponsored a national poll. The question they asked was this: Should divorced dads get equal custody?
63% of their responses were YES and 37% were NO. Here are some quotes reflective of the responses.
On the YES side were comments such as "Just as women should get equal pay, dads should get equal custody. The 14th Amendment requires that people be treated equally, regardless of sex." Another YES response was "Children are more likely to thrive if they have access to both parents."
On the NO side was this comment, "It's too stressful for kids to be split between two homes. They need a constant, stable environment." Another NO quote said, "Each parent should maintain the role he or she had before the divorce. Usually, that means more time with Mom."
I wish there was a simple YES or NO answer to this question, but in my opinion, there isn't. Every family and every situation is unique. Trying to make such an enormously complicated issue as custody into a black and white/right or wrong answer is absurd. Now is the time to heighten our awareness about the enormous emotional and psychological effects of all custody decisions upon our children - not come up with simplistic one-size-fits-all legislation.
It's impossible to compare two families with different numbers of children of different ages and sexes living in different parts of any nation. Then add to the mix parents with different levels of emotional and educational involvement with their children, differing cultural and spiritual philosophies, and different levels of career commitment, financial security and child-care support. What you get is infinite diversity with no two families ever being quite the same.
Should divorced dads get equal custody of their children? Absolutely YES - when the right conditions are in place for the best interest of those children. And definitely NO - when the well-being of the children and their future is at risk. Who should decide? Sincere, loving parents along with the most caring, compassionate professionals they can access. These professionals must understand divorce dynamics to help create the best possible outcome for every one in the family - but especially the kids!
I always suggest divorce mediators as an excellent resource. Therapists who specialize in divorce and family counseling can also be very effective in contributing to your divorce team. Experienced Certified Divorce Coaches can offer valuable insights. Divorce Financial Analysts may also play an integral part in your peaceful resolution. Collaborative divorce attorneys who are comfortable working with these professionals can keep you on track for the purpose of creating a positive win-win resolution.
Take your parenting responsibility seriously! If you let your heart and head, but not your ego, lead you in making these crucial decisions you will honor your children and give them the best possible future in the years and decades to come. That is what I wish for every child touched by divorce!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Friday, December 3, 2010
Being Alone During the Holidays Can Be Tough For Divorced Parents
Being Alone During the Holidays Can Be Tough For Divorced Parents
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
One of the saddest consequences of divorce for parents is the alone-time when your children are visiting their other parent. While short-term periods when the kids are away can be a welcome respite for an over-scheduled single parent, for other parents the intervals between seeing the children can be long and lonely. The holiday season can be a particularly challenging time, especially when friends and neighbors are busy with their own family gatherings.
It's really important for parents who are alone during the winter holidays to get creative and absorbed in activities that you find personally fulfilling. This can also be an opportunity to reflect on meeting your own needs and finding friends and activities that bring joy into your life.
One of the greatest challenges for divorced parents is avoiding self-pity. Overwhelmed by a sense of isolation, or feeling undervalued as a parent, can often result in making poor choices when communicating with your children. It's not difficult to bury your hurt in comments designed to make your children feel guilty about not being with you, despite the fact that most times those decisions are not really within their control.
Turning toward your support group of friends can be really helpful when these feelings arise. Seeking out a counselor or divorce coach can also provide advice and new resources for creating alternative holiday traditions.
Here are some other ways you can stay in the lives of your children despite the distance between you.
• Create a Journal of holiday activities that you can later share with the kids. This might take the form of a travelogue of places you've explored, people you've visited, movies you saw and other activities participated in. You can even bring home a souvenir from each place as something to show and talk about with the kids on their next visit, such as paper restaurant menus, movie ticket stubs, tee shirts, colorful brochures, post-cards, hats, pens, etc.
• Send an email or text message "of the day" to the kids with a theme: such as the Staying Warm Tip of the Day, favorite Candy Bar of the Day, Sledding Tip of the Day, Favorite Frozen Yogurt Flavor of the Day - just to keep in touch.
• Join a toy or food distribution drive over the holidays to help needy children in your community so you feel valued while interacting with and bringing joy to other children
• Make plans to see the same movie as your kids on the same day and then schedule a call to discuss the movie together and share the experience in your own way
Be creative. Think out of the box in healthy ways and your children will appreciate you without guilt, sadness or shame. This is one of the greatest gifts any parent can give to their children - the gift of enjoying their childhood without the burden of parental divorce issues weighing them down.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
One of the saddest consequences of divorce for parents is the alone-time when your children are visiting their other parent. While short-term periods when the kids are away can be a welcome respite for an over-scheduled single parent, for other parents the intervals between seeing the children can be long and lonely. The holiday season can be a particularly challenging time, especially when friends and neighbors are busy with their own family gatherings.
It's really important for parents who are alone during the winter holidays to get creative and absorbed in activities that you find personally fulfilling. This can also be an opportunity to reflect on meeting your own needs and finding friends and activities that bring joy into your life.
One of the greatest challenges for divorced parents is avoiding self-pity. Overwhelmed by a sense of isolation, or feeling undervalued as a parent, can often result in making poor choices when communicating with your children. It's not difficult to bury your hurt in comments designed to make your children feel guilty about not being with you, despite the fact that most times those decisions are not really within their control.
Turning toward your support group of friends can be really helpful when these feelings arise. Seeking out a counselor or divorce coach can also provide advice and new resources for creating alternative holiday traditions.
Here are some other ways you can stay in the lives of your children despite the distance between you.
• Create a Journal of holiday activities that you can later share with the kids. This might take the form of a travelogue of places you've explored, people you've visited, movies you saw and other activities participated in. You can even bring home a souvenir from each place as something to show and talk about with the kids on their next visit, such as paper restaurant menus, movie ticket stubs, tee shirts, colorful brochures, post-cards, hats, pens, etc.
• Send an email or text message "of the day" to the kids with a theme: such as the Staying Warm Tip of the Day, favorite Candy Bar of the Day, Sledding Tip of the Day, Favorite Frozen Yogurt Flavor of the Day - just to keep in touch.
• Join a toy or food distribution drive over the holidays to help needy children in your community so you feel valued while interacting with and bringing joy to other children
• Make plans to see the same movie as your kids on the same day and then schedule a call to discuss the movie together and share the experience in your own way
Be creative. Think out of the box in healthy ways and your children will appreciate you without guilt, sadness or shame. This is one of the greatest gifts any parent can give to their children - the gift of enjoying their childhood without the burden of parental divorce issues weighing them down.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca
Monday, November 29, 2010
Child-Centered Divorce: Bashing Your Ex is Bad News
Child-Centered Divorce: Bashing Your Ex is Bad News
Bashing Your Ex is Bad News for Your Children
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
We all do it from time to time. Make a sarcastic comment about our
ex, criticize something they did or didn't do, gesture or grimace
our faces when referring to our former spouse. When we do it in
front of, near or within hearing distance of our children, we set
ourselves up for a hornet's nest of problems.
We have all heard this, but it's easy to forget or let slide. It
hurts our children when they hear one of their parents put down the
other. This is so even if your child does not say anything about
it. With rare exceptions, children innately feel they are part of
both parents. They love them both even when that love isn't
returned to them in the same way.
When you put down their other parent your children are likely to
interpret it as a put-down of part of them. When both parents are
guilty of this behavior, it can create a sense of unworthiness and
low self-esteem. "Something's wrong with me" becomes the child's
unconscious belief.
I know it's challenging some times not to criticize your ex,
especially when you feel totally justified in doing so. Find a
friend or therapist to vent to. Don't do it around your children.
And, whenever possible, find some good things to say about their
other parent - or hold your tongue.
The lesson here is simple. Destructive comments about your ex can
impact your children in many negative ways. It creates anxiety and
insecurity. It raises their level of fear. It makes them question
how much they can trust you and your opinions - or trust
themselves. And it adds a level of unhappiness into their lives
that they do not need ... or deserve!
When you have a problem with your ex, take it directly to them -
and not to or through the children. Don't exploit a difficult
relationship, or difference of opinion with your ex, by
editorializing about him or her to the kids. It's easy to slip -
especially when your frustration level is mounting.
Listen to and monitor your comments to the children about their
other parent.
· Are you hearing yourself say: "Sounds like you picked that up
from your Dad/Mom."
· Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it
with "just like your father/mother."
· Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you
know making sure the kids get the negative judgment?
· Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your
ex with, "Yeah, but ..." and finish it with a downer?
· Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting
the other parent or liking something in their home?
· Do you throw around biting statements like "If Mom/Dad really
loved you ..."
· Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a
disagreement by saying "If you don't like it here, then go live
with your Mom/Dad?
It's easy to fall into these behavior patterns - and they can
effectively manipulate your children's behavior - for the
short-term. But in the long run you will be slowly eroding your
personal relationship with the children you love and alienating
their affection. This will bite you back in the years to come,
especially as your children move into and through their teens.
As a parent you want to raise children with a healthy sense of
self-worth. You want children who are trusting and trust-worthy ,,,
who are open to creating loving relationships in their lives. It's
not divorce per se that emotionally scars children. It's how you,
as a parent, model your behavior before, during and after your
divorce. If you model maturity, dignity and integrity whenever
challenges occur, that's what your children will see and the path
they will take in their own relationships. You can't make life
choices for them, but you sure can influence their choices and
perceptions about the world when they are young and vulnerable!
Minding your tongue around your children can be one of the most
difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. It is also one of
the behaviors that will reap the greatest rewards in the well-being
of your family. Don't let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate
remarks affect and harm your children. Keep a "conscious" diligence
on your commentary and your ex is more likely to follow suit, as
well. If he or she doesn't, your kids will naturally pick up on the
different energy and gravitate toward the parent taking the high
road. Ultimately that parent will win their respect and admiration.
Shouldn't that be you?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Bashing Your Ex is Bad News for Your Children
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
We all do it from time to time. Make a sarcastic comment about our
ex, criticize something they did or didn't do, gesture or grimace
our faces when referring to our former spouse. When we do it in
front of, near or within hearing distance of our children, we set
ourselves up for a hornet's nest of problems.
We have all heard this, but it's easy to forget or let slide. It
hurts our children when they hear one of their parents put down the
other. This is so even if your child does not say anything about
it. With rare exceptions, children innately feel they are part of
both parents. They love them both even when that love isn't
returned to them in the same way.
When you put down their other parent your children are likely to
interpret it as a put-down of part of them. When both parents are
guilty of this behavior, it can create a sense of unworthiness and
low self-esteem. "Something's wrong with me" becomes the child's
unconscious belief.
I know it's challenging some times not to criticize your ex,
especially when you feel totally justified in doing so. Find a
friend or therapist to vent to. Don't do it around your children.
And, whenever possible, find some good things to say about their
other parent - or hold your tongue.
The lesson here is simple. Destructive comments about your ex can
impact your children in many negative ways. It creates anxiety and
insecurity. It raises their level of fear. It makes them question
how much they can trust you and your opinions - or trust
themselves. And it adds a level of unhappiness into their lives
that they do not need ... or deserve!
When you have a problem with your ex, take it directly to them -
and not to or through the children. Don't exploit a difficult
relationship, or difference of opinion with your ex, by
editorializing about him or her to the kids. It's easy to slip -
especially when your frustration level is mounting.
Listen to and monitor your comments to the children about their
other parent.
· Are you hearing yourself say: "Sounds like you picked that up
from your Dad/Mom."
· Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it
with "just like your father/mother."
· Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you
know making sure the kids get the negative judgment?
· Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your
ex with, "Yeah, but ..." and finish it with a downer?
· Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting
the other parent or liking something in their home?
· Do you throw around biting statements like "If Mom/Dad really
loved you ..."
· Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a
disagreement by saying "If you don't like it here, then go live
with your Mom/Dad?
It's easy to fall into these behavior patterns - and they can
effectively manipulate your children's behavior - for the
short-term. But in the long run you will be slowly eroding your
personal relationship with the children you love and alienating
their affection. This will bite you back in the years to come,
especially as your children move into and through their teens.
As a parent you want to raise children with a healthy sense of
self-worth. You want children who are trusting and trust-worthy ,,,
who are open to creating loving relationships in their lives. It's
not divorce per se that emotionally scars children. It's how you,
as a parent, model your behavior before, during and after your
divorce. If you model maturity, dignity and integrity whenever
challenges occur, that's what your children will see and the path
they will take in their own relationships. You can't make life
choices for them, but you sure can influence their choices and
perceptions about the world when they are young and vulnerable!
Minding your tongue around your children can be one of the most
difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. It is also one of
the behaviors that will reap the greatest rewards in the well-being
of your family. Don't let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate
remarks affect and harm your children. Keep a "conscious" diligence
on your commentary and your ex is more likely to follow suit, as
well. If he or she doesn't, your kids will naturally pick up on the
different energy and gravitate toward the parent taking the high
road. Ultimately that parent will win their respect and admiration.
Shouldn't that be you?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Monday, November 22, 2010
10 Simple Communication Strategies for Divorced Parents
10 Simple Communication Strategies for Divorced Parents
by Cindy Harari, Esq.
Cindy Harari, Esq. is my guest contributor this week. She offers valuable information about communicating with your ex that is effective and promotes healthy parenting relationships. My thanks for Cindy for her excellent advice. Rosalind Sedacca
One of many challenges faced by divorced parents is the dilemma of communicating with their child's other parent. Although the parents have decided to divorce and end their "personal" relationship, when children are involved, the dissolution of a marriage mirrors the end of a business relationship where the business partners (the parents) have produced a product or asset (the children) that remains after the termination of the business.
Even though the parents no longer wish to continue to "work together," they share the desire for their children (the priceless marital asset) to grow and thrive. Among other things, the success of the children requires divorced parents to communicate with each other about child-focused issues. So how do divorced parents communicate effectively about their children when they are angry or upset or would simply rather not speak with their child's other parent ever again? Read on...
1. Whenever possible, communicate in writing. Writing gives you the opportunity to clarify your thoughts and express yourself clearly. Also, in the event of a misunderstanding, everyone can go back and look at what is written. E-mails and faxes have the advantage of having a date and time embedded as well.
2. Stick to child-focused issues and keep your communication informative, not emotional.
3. Keep your communication clear. Use bullet points or numbers rather than paragraphs.
4. If an item requires a response, indicate when the response is necessary. Also state what action will be taken in the event the other parent does not respond. For example: Our son's class trip is on (date) and the cost is ($X). The permission slip is due on (date). Please let me know by (date) if this is OK with you. If I don't hear from you, I will sign the permission slip and you and I will split the cost.
5. Do not use your communication as an opportunity to re-hash your feelings about the subjects you are writing about. Remember - this is business communication about your children.
6. Divide your writing into sections such as "old business," "new business" and "FYI."
7. Respond to communication from your child's other parent as you would like to have them respond to you. Be prompt and businesslike.
8. Use e-mail (and all written communication) courteously. Do not write entirely in capital letters. Do not use boldface type. Do not use extremely large type. Do not use exclamation points. Stay away from sarcasm. No name-calling or bad language at any time.
9. Take the initiative so neither parent becomes the "communication liaison." Children's schools, day care providers, extracurricular activity providers, etc. should have contact information for both parents. Each parent should receive notices from these sources. If that is not happening, the parent who is not receiving the information can provide their contact information and get on the distribution list.
10. Look into online programs such as OurFamilyWizard and ShareKids for calendaring and communication. These programs are designed especially for divorced parents.
There is a time and a place for your emotional release regarding your divorce, but, at the same time, there is a need to conduct the business of raising your children with someone you would probably rather not talk to. So how do you find the strength to "take the high road" time after time and communicate calmly and effectively with your child's other parent?
Always remember that your child's wellbeing depends on what you do and how you do it. It takes work to compartmentalize your emotions and put the needs of your children first, but you can do it. You are not alone - there are many resources available for to help you grow through the divorce. Successful communication strategies are a great addition to your post-divorce parenting toolkit.
********************************************************
Cindy Harari, Esq. is an attorney, trained parenting coordinator, mediator, and arbitrator. Her professional training combined with years of practical experience gives Ms. Harari a unique perspective and distinctive insight regarding issues of divorce and parenting. For additional information, please visit www.solutionsnottalk.com. © 2008. Cindy Harari. All Rights Reserved.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
by Cindy Harari, Esq.
Cindy Harari, Esq. is my guest contributor this week. She offers valuable information about communicating with your ex that is effective and promotes healthy parenting relationships. My thanks for Cindy for her excellent advice. Rosalind Sedacca
One of many challenges faced by divorced parents is the dilemma of communicating with their child's other parent. Although the parents have decided to divorce and end their "personal" relationship, when children are involved, the dissolution of a marriage mirrors the end of a business relationship where the business partners (the parents) have produced a product or asset (the children) that remains after the termination of the business.
Even though the parents no longer wish to continue to "work together," they share the desire for their children (the priceless marital asset) to grow and thrive. Among other things, the success of the children requires divorced parents to communicate with each other about child-focused issues. So how do divorced parents communicate effectively about their children when they are angry or upset or would simply rather not speak with their child's other parent ever again? Read on...
1. Whenever possible, communicate in writing. Writing gives you the opportunity to clarify your thoughts and express yourself clearly. Also, in the event of a misunderstanding, everyone can go back and look at what is written. E-mails and faxes have the advantage of having a date and time embedded as well.
2. Stick to child-focused issues and keep your communication informative, not emotional.
3. Keep your communication clear. Use bullet points or numbers rather than paragraphs.
4. If an item requires a response, indicate when the response is necessary. Also state what action will be taken in the event the other parent does not respond. For example: Our son's class trip is on (date) and the cost is ($X). The permission slip is due on (date). Please let me know by (date) if this is OK with you. If I don't hear from you, I will sign the permission slip and you and I will split the cost.
5. Do not use your communication as an opportunity to re-hash your feelings about the subjects you are writing about. Remember - this is business communication about your children.
6. Divide your writing into sections such as "old business," "new business" and "FYI."
7. Respond to communication from your child's other parent as you would like to have them respond to you. Be prompt and businesslike.
8. Use e-mail (and all written communication) courteously. Do not write entirely in capital letters. Do not use boldface type. Do not use extremely large type. Do not use exclamation points. Stay away from sarcasm. No name-calling or bad language at any time.
9. Take the initiative so neither parent becomes the "communication liaison." Children's schools, day care providers, extracurricular activity providers, etc. should have contact information for both parents. Each parent should receive notices from these sources. If that is not happening, the parent who is not receiving the information can provide their contact information and get on the distribution list.
10. Look into online programs such as OurFamilyWizard and ShareKids for calendaring and communication. These programs are designed especially for divorced parents.
There is a time and a place for your emotional release regarding your divorce, but, at the same time, there is a need to conduct the business of raising your children with someone you would probably rather not talk to. So how do you find the strength to "take the high road" time after time and communicate calmly and effectively with your child's other parent?
Always remember that your child's wellbeing depends on what you do and how you do it. It takes work to compartmentalize your emotions and put the needs of your children first, but you can do it. You are not alone - there are many resources available for to help you grow through the divorce. Successful communication strategies are a great addition to your post-divorce parenting toolkit.
********************************************************
Cindy Harari, Esq. is an attorney, trained parenting coordinator, mediator, and arbitrator. Her professional training combined with years of practical experience gives Ms. Harari a unique perspective and distinctive insight regarding issues of divorce and parenting. For additional information, please visit www.solutionsnottalk.com. © 2008. Cindy Harari. All Rights Reserved.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Dads and Step-Dads: Keeping it all in Perspective
Dads and Step-Dads: Keeping it all in Perspective
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Being a divorced Dad can be one of the most frustrating experiences any parent will ever face. For many it seems like a can't-win situation. You find that you're constantly trying to prove yourself - to your ex, to the children, and often to a Step-Dad who has moved into the picture.
If Mom has custody of the children, it's more than likely that your children are seeing more of step-Dad than you. That can feel very disempowering and bring up all sorts of issues - not to mention jealousy. While it's understandable for any Dad to feel that way, it is also wise to get a handle on that jealousy ... for the sake of your children.
Think about it this way. When it comes to those children, both you and Step-Dad share a common interest, their well-being. For that reason finding a way to get along with Step-Dad, and show him some respect for his efforts on their behalf, can positively impact everyone in the family dynamic, especially your children. They don't want to see you angry, fighting, or putting down Mom or Step-Dad. The emotional upheaval this creates for your children complicates their lives, filling them with guilt, confusion and a lack of confidence when it comes to trusting new relationships..
Tom Wohlmut, President of Stepfamily Network, says "Men tend to be very competitive and territorial. But, when they're parenting the same child, they need to think about being on the same football team, not opposing teams." A supportive father will therefore help his children to not feel guilty for liking or supporting Step-Dad as he interacts in their lives.
In fact, says Wohlmut, you might want to ask yourself, "What is the one thing I can do to acknowledge the male father figure? Children need to understand there is only one Dad and one Mom and that will never, ever change. But, that doesn't mean the other male in their life doesn't have good qualities they can benefit from."
This, of course, is equally relevant if a new Step-Mom enters the picture on your side. The goal is to do whatever you can to keep your children from feeling conflicted or disloyal if they get along with their Step-Parents and find many of their qualities or areas of expertise to be appealing.
Children have a huge capacity to love as well as to learn from many influences in their lives. Don't force them to depend exclusively on you, especially if you're needing it as an ego boost. The real challenge is to continue to build, keep and maintain your relationship with your children - despite time intervals and distance - because of your love for them. You are fortunate when Step-Dad is a complementary figure in their lives who sincerely cares for them and strives to do his best.
No one ever said being a divorced Dad was easy. There are no guarantees regarding who a new Step-Dad will be either. But when you keep your perspective clearly focused on your children's emotional and psychological well-being, you'll be steered in the right direction for yourself and your children. And that's what it's all about, isn't it?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Being a divorced Dad can be one of the most frustrating experiences any parent will ever face. For many it seems like a can't-win situation. You find that you're constantly trying to prove yourself - to your ex, to the children, and often to a Step-Dad who has moved into the picture.
If Mom has custody of the children, it's more than likely that your children are seeing more of step-Dad than you. That can feel very disempowering and bring up all sorts of issues - not to mention jealousy. While it's understandable for any Dad to feel that way, it is also wise to get a handle on that jealousy ... for the sake of your children.
Think about it this way. When it comes to those children, both you and Step-Dad share a common interest, their well-being. For that reason finding a way to get along with Step-Dad, and show him some respect for his efforts on their behalf, can positively impact everyone in the family dynamic, especially your children. They don't want to see you angry, fighting, or putting down Mom or Step-Dad. The emotional upheaval this creates for your children complicates their lives, filling them with guilt, confusion and a lack of confidence when it comes to trusting new relationships..
Tom Wohlmut, President of Stepfamily Network, says "Men tend to be very competitive and territorial. But, when they're parenting the same child, they need to think about being on the same football team, not opposing teams." A supportive father will therefore help his children to not feel guilty for liking or supporting Step-Dad as he interacts in their lives.
In fact, says Wohlmut, you might want to ask yourself, "What is the one thing I can do to acknowledge the male father figure? Children need to understand there is only one Dad and one Mom and that will never, ever change. But, that doesn't mean the other male in their life doesn't have good qualities they can benefit from."
This, of course, is equally relevant if a new Step-Mom enters the picture on your side. The goal is to do whatever you can to keep your children from feeling conflicted or disloyal if they get along with their Step-Parents and find many of their qualities or areas of expertise to be appealing.
Children have a huge capacity to love as well as to learn from many influences in their lives. Don't force them to depend exclusively on you, especially if you're needing it as an ego boost. The real challenge is to continue to build, keep and maintain your relationship with your children - despite time intervals and distance - because of your love for them. You are fortunate when Step-Dad is a complementary figure in their lives who sincerely cares for them and strives to do his best.
No one ever said being a divorced Dad was easy. There are no guarantees regarding who a new Step-Dad will be either. But when you keep your perspective clearly focused on your children's emotional and psychological well-being, you'll be steered in the right direction for yourself and your children. And that's what it's all about, isn't it?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Tag Team Parenting Post-Divorce Tag Team Parenting
Child-Centered Divorce: Tag Team Parenting Post-Divorce
Tag Team Parenting
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=oJgVlM6nG0AcewfYONvieA
Works - Even Post Divorce
Guest author Mark Goulston
Children get mannerisms and attitudes from both parents but develop their inner calm and feeling of well being from how much their parents like, trust and respect each other.
Increasing research shows that a significant part of a child's mind and personality is influenced not by how their parents react to the child, but by how their parents respond to each other.
What becomes frustrating and at times demoralizing to children is not so much that mothers and fathers disagree or argue (as they inevitably will), but that parents continue to argue over the same things and never definitively resolve them once and for all.
When
children
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=GK91QbKyMbpHczLNGg.vMA
observe parents arguing without resolution they see emotion and reason locked in a "zero sum" fight instead of cooperating with each other. When they then internalize into their personality that emotion and reason cannot work together, their inner sense of calm and well-being is replaced by restlessness. It is as if at any moment their own emotion and reason are on the brink of doing battle in their mind reminiscent of what they observe between their parents. And this destroys inner calm and well being.
As the lack of cooperation between the emotion and reason in their observed world can create chaos in their life, the lack of cooperation between emotion and reason in their own mind can create flaws in their developing personalities.
The best example of how emotion and reason can work together between a mother and father utilizes "tag team parenting." This is when one parent being better at logical problem solving tells the child to go to the other for comforting if that is what the child seems to need. And conversely when the other parent who is better at emotional comforting tells the child to go speak to the other for help with solving a problem if what the child needs more is good advice.
* * *
Dr. Mark Goulston
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=bR6H.DjQNsiKa7SfLkR5bw
is a former UCLA professor who is frequently called upon to share his expertise with regard to contemporary business, national and world news by television, radio and print media including: Wall Street Journal,
Harvard Business Review
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=FJvjb2yZbzlMzkZ20nS5Hg
, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox/CNN/BBC News, Oprah, and Today. Mark Goulston is the author of
The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship,
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=OhADbGOFTcnM1FxlCNDQqw
Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior,
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=dtO2k0nHcFBdy.0OuVj8OQ
Get Out of Your Own Way at Work
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=vsf4XYuFmLXM.QSwnd9bJQ
and
PTSD for Dummies
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=LmAQmRm5rJBPpzfh1iHp3A
. For more information visit:
www.markgoulston.com.
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=gZR1beFwzA1Ug6fZptHDcA
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=tPEy_kuBtvmnoKj898WxJQ
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Tag Team Parenting
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=oJgVlM6nG0AcewfYONvieA
Works - Even Post Divorce
Guest author Mark Goulston
Children get mannerisms and attitudes from both parents but develop their inner calm and feeling of well being from how much their parents like, trust and respect each other.
Increasing research shows that a significant part of a child's mind and personality is influenced not by how their parents react to the child, but by how their parents respond to each other.
What becomes frustrating and at times demoralizing to children is not so much that mothers and fathers disagree or argue (as they inevitably will), but that parents continue to argue over the same things and never definitively resolve them once and for all.
When
children
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=GK91QbKyMbpHczLNGg.vMA
observe parents arguing without resolution they see emotion and reason locked in a "zero sum" fight instead of cooperating with each other. When they then internalize into their personality that emotion and reason cannot work together, their inner sense of calm and well-being is replaced by restlessness. It is as if at any moment their own emotion and reason are on the brink of doing battle in their mind reminiscent of what they observe between their parents. And this destroys inner calm and well being.
As the lack of cooperation between the emotion and reason in their observed world can create chaos in their life, the lack of cooperation between emotion and reason in their own mind can create flaws in their developing personalities.
The best example of how emotion and reason can work together between a mother and father utilizes "tag team parenting." This is when one parent being better at logical problem solving tells the child to go to the other for comforting if that is what the child seems to need. And conversely when the other parent who is better at emotional comforting tells the child to go speak to the other for help with solving a problem if what the child needs more is good advice.
* * *
Dr. Mark Goulston
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=bR6H.DjQNsiKa7SfLkR5bw
is a former UCLA professor who is frequently called upon to share his expertise with regard to contemporary business, national and world news by television, radio and print media including: Wall Street Journal,
Harvard Business Review
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=FJvjb2yZbzlMzkZ20nS5Hg
, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox/CNN/BBC News, Oprah, and Today. Mark Goulston is the author of
The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship,
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=OhADbGOFTcnM1FxlCNDQqw
Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior,
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=dtO2k0nHcFBdy.0OuVj8OQ
Get Out of Your Own Way at Work
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=vsf4XYuFmLXM.QSwnd9bJQ
and
PTSD for Dummies
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=LmAQmRm5rJBPpzfh1iHp3A
. For more information visit:
www.markgoulston.com.
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=gZR1beFwzA1Ug6fZptHDcA
- http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=KmLMPh40NUZMxH&b=tPEy_kuBtvmnoKj898WxJQ
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
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