Child-Centered Divorce: Bashing Your Ex is Bad News

Child-Centered Divorce: Bashing Your Ex is Bad News
Bashing Your Ex is Bad News for Your Children

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

We all do it from time to time. Make a sarcastic comment about our
ex, criticize something they did or didn't do, gesture or grimace
our faces when referring to our former spouse. When we do it in
front of, near or within hearing distance of our children, we set
ourselves up for a hornet's nest of problems.

We have all heard this, but it's easy to forget or let slide. It
hurts our children when they hear one of their parents put down the
other. This is so even if your child does not say anything about
it. With rare exceptions, children innately feel they are part of
both parents. They love them both even when that love isn't
returned to them in the same way.

When you put down their other parent your children are likely to
interpret it as a put-down of part of them. When both parents are
guilty of this behavior, it can create a sense of unworthiness and
low self-esteem. "Something's wrong with me" becomes the child's
unconscious belief.

I know it's challenging some times not to criticize your ex,
especially when you feel totally justified in doing so. Find a
friend or therapist to vent to. Don't do it around your children.
And, whenever possible, find some good things to say about their
other parent - or hold your tongue.

The lesson here is simple. Destructive comments about your ex can
impact your children in many negative ways. It creates anxiety and
insecurity. It raises their level of fear. It makes them question
how much they can trust you and your opinions - or trust
themselves. And it adds a level of unhappiness into their lives
that they do not need ... or deserve!

When you have a problem with your ex, take it directly to them -
and not to or through the children. Don't exploit a difficult
relationship, or difference of opinion with your ex, by
editorializing about him or her to the kids. It's easy to slip -
especially when your frustration level is mounting.
Listen to and monitor your comments to the children about their
other parent.

· Are you hearing yourself say: "Sounds like you picked that up
from your Dad/Mom."
· Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it
with "just like your father/mother."
· Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you
know making sure the kids get the negative judgment?
· Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your
ex with, "Yeah, but ..." and finish it with a downer?
· Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting
the other parent or liking something in their home?
· Do you throw around biting statements like "If Mom/Dad really
loved you ..."
· Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a
disagreement by saying "If you don't like it here, then go live
with your Mom/Dad?

It's easy to fall into these behavior patterns - and they can
effectively manipulate your children's behavior - for the
short-term. But in the long run you will be slowly eroding your
personal relationship with the children you love and alienating
their affection. This will bite you back in the years to come,
especially as your children move into and through their teens.

As a parent you want to raise children with a healthy sense of
self-worth. You want children who are trusting and trust-worthy ,,,
who are open to creating loving relationships in their lives. It's
not divorce per se that emotionally scars children. It's how you,
as a parent, model your behavior before, during and after your
divorce. If you model maturity, dignity and integrity whenever
challenges occur, that's what your children will see and the path
they will take in their own relationships. You can't make life
choices for them, but you sure can influence their choices and
perceptions about the world when they are young and vulnerable!

Minding your tongue around your children can be one of the most
difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. It is also one of
the behaviors that will reap the greatest rewards in the well-being
of your family. Don't let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate
remarks affect and harm your children. Keep a "conscious" diligence
on your commentary and your ex is more likely to follow suit, as
well. If he or she doesn't, your kids will naturally pick up on the
different energy and gravitate toward the parent taking the high
road. Ultimately that parent will win their respect and admiration.
Shouldn't that be you?

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA