A Child's Perspective on Surviving their Parent's Divorce

A Child's Perspective on Surviving their Parent's Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Max Sindell is a young man in his early twenties who has written a book for children titled, The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents' Divorce. Sindell was six when his parents divorced.

Over the next many years he experienced a wide array of significant divorce issues that affect so many families. These include coping with his parents' arguments with and about one another, adjusting to travel between homes, remarriage, stepsiblings and juggling holidays and other special events. He wrote the book to help children identify their "voice" about all these issues. He also wants to show children ways to find the good that can come through and from divorce.
"The book is really supposed to be a quick handbook for making the most out of divorce and making it so that it's the least of your problems," Sindell says.
Sindell uses his own life lessons to walk children through the "downsides" of divorce, and focuses on ways to best handle them. In his chapter titled, "The Good News and the Bed News," he says "I'd honestly say that my parents' divorce is one of the best things to ever happen to me in my entire life: That's the good news." "On the other hand, divorce can make you wake up one morning realizing how much everything sucks," he also adds.

Other topics he discusses include: "You Are Never Going to Have One Home Again" and "Your Parents Are Going to Fight." But within each discussion he also provides positive observations, such as learning how to travel at a young age and developing more independence.
Within the book Sindell offers his personal Bill of Rights for divorced children. These are worth discussing with your children. It reminds them that they are not alone in what they are going through. And is empowers them to learn that they deserve and are entitled to "rights" as they move through and beyond the divorce. Let me share the first five with you, which Sindell says children should actually require to be part of their parents' divorce agreement.
THE DIVORCED KIDS' BILL OF RIGHTS
(Excerpt from The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents' Divorce)
I. The Right to Be Safe and Feel Safe - A child should feel safe and secure. If there ever is a time you don't feel safe, tell your parents, and if you can't tell them, tell a counselor or tell a friend. This is your most important right.

II. The Right to Awareness - Every child has a right to know what is going on. Your parents should not lie to you or hide the truth from you about anything to do with you. While some things should remain private between your parents until you are older, if they're having a discussion about your schedule, you have the right to know and to make your voice heard.

III. The Right to Counseling - Divorce can make you feel like you don't have a say and don't make a difference, and that's exactly where a counselor comes in. A counselor should be someone whom you can talk to privately, without your parents there, and who can help you with your situation.
School counselors are not the only people you can talk to. Adult friends of the family who are unbiased, or the parents of good friends of yours, are also good people to talk to.

IV. The Right to Be Heard - Sometimes, when your parents are trying to sort out what they think is best for you, they can forget to listen to the most important person: You! If you can't get them to listen to you by yourself, it's important to have someone -- a counselor or a friend -- talk for you.

V. The Right to Be Your Own Person - Before your parents were divorced, there was you, your mom, your dad, and the other people in your family. The same is true now. Your parents have to respect your right to feel the way you feel. In dealing with stepparents, or the people your parents are dating, your rights stand. You must tell both your parents and their friends when any boundaries are crossed. If those boundaries are crossed in a major way, and you don't feel safe, tell a counselor.

Put yourself in your child's shoes and give these Rights some serious consideration before making any further decisions affecting your children. Talk to your children about what this means. It might open the door to some very meaningful conversations about topics you've never before discussed. Empowered children are happier children -- less resentful and less likely to act out to get your attention. Isn't that what you really want?
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

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