Aha! Parenting

Aha! Parenting
Parenting Secret of the Week:
10 Tips to Help Your Child Overcome Shyness

Were you shy as a child? Half of all adults think of themselves as shy, and many more say that they were shy as children.
But shy kids are at a disadvantage in our outgoing, busy culture, because they have a harder time relaxing and connecting with others. Shyness can keep kids from learning the social skills that let them be part of a group, and it can compromise their school performance by making them anxious about asking questions. Worst of all, shy kids can begin a pattern of isolation that keeps them from meeting others, beginning friendships and romances, and simply connecting with other human beings. Scientists now think that social contact is one of our most important human needs, positively impacting our emotional and physical health on every level throughout our lives.

The good news is that shy kids can learn to manage shyness. They just need a little extra support. So what’s the best way to help your child overcome shyness?

1. Nurture your child by noticing her needs and responding to them. Shy baby chimps given to extremely nurturing mothers became leaders in their group, while their shy siblings raised by average mothers remained shy and fearful throughout life. Responsive mothering helps shy little ones learn to calm themselves and manage their reactions. That allows their heightened sensitivity to become an asset, because it makes them more responsive to the needs of their peers and better at negotiating group situations.

2. Empathize with your child’s shyness and avoid shaming him. Acknowledging what he feels, without negative judgment, helps him to feel good about himself. Giving him the impression that there is something wrong with him will just make him feel worse about himself, and therefore more insecure and shy. Empathizing with your child will also help him develop empathy, which will enhance his social skills and keep him connected to others.....(continue reading)

Ages & Stages: Toddlers & Preschoolers
Pre-empt Whining

Should they get what they want by whining? Absolutely not. Should they learn that they can get their way by marshalling good arguments and making them in a reasonable, humorous, charming way that meets your needs as well as theirs? Absolutely, if you want them to get anywhere in life. But how to help them make that transition?
Whining is common with toddlers and preschoolers. Parents are usually advised to tell their kids to ask in a nice voice, because they can't hear the whiny voice. But whining is a symptom of a deeper issue. So if you want to eliminate whining, you have to address what's underneath. If your child's whining is driving you crazy, here are six parent-proven secrets to stop your child from whining. Which secret you use depends on why he's whining.

1. Whining because he doesn't have the internal resources to cope with what's being asked of him: Meet his basic needs for food, rest, down time, run-around time. He may not tantrum as much as he used to, but he will certainly whine if you force him to endure that shopping trip while he’s hungry and tired. Why create a negative situation from which he’ll learn and repeat?

2. Whining because she needs more connection: Be pre-emptive. Make sure that your child gets enough of your positive attention, unprovoked. Pre-empt whining by giving attention BEFORE she gets demanding. Anyone who's had to ask a romantic partner "Do you love me?" knows that attention given after you ask can never really fill the need. The secret is to take the initiative and give attention the child hasn’t asked for, often, so she feels your support and connection. And of course it's particularly important to give attention when she shows the first sign of needing your emotional support, before that quick downhill slide.

3. Whining because she doesn't like what's happening but feels powerless to get her way:

Lawrence Cohen says, "When children whine they are feeling powerless. If we scold them for whining or refuse to listen to them we increase their feelings of powerlessness. If we give in so they will stop whining, we reward that powerlessness. But if we relaxedly, playfully, invite them to use a strong voice, we increase their sense of confidence and competence. And we find a bridge back to close connection."

Start by letting her know that you hear what she wants, and you see her point of view: "You really want to go to the playground, and you keep telling me that, and here I keep stopping at all these stores that you aren't expecting, and you're disappointed, right?" Sometimes just feeling heard is enough to stop whining in its tracks.

Then, if she keeps whining, you can say playfully "You don't sound like yourself. I wonder where your usual strong voice went?"

Express confidence that your child can use her "strong" voice and offer your assistance to help her find it, by making it into a game: "Hey, where did your strong voice go? It was here a minute ago. I LOVE your strong voice! I'll help you find it. Help me look. Is it under the chair? No...In the toy box? No.... HEY! You found it!! That was your strong voice!! Yay! I love your strong voice! Now, tell me again what you need, in your strong voice.".....(continue reading)


Blog Entry of the Week
Try a Little Tenderness

"Giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health. People who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety, and tend to be happier and more optimistic. Preliminary data suggest that self-compassion can even influence how much we eat and may help some people lose weight." -- Tara Parker Pope

A new wave of research supports the view that being compassionate toward ourselves not only makes us happier, but helps us become the person we want to be. Tara Parker-Pope's recent article in the New York Times reviews this research, with particular attention to how self-compassion keeps us from over-eating.

Makes sense, right? We know that when we feel bad, we engage in all sorts of unhealthy habits to feel better -- overeating, shopping, drinking, zoning out in front of screens. Or we lash out, yelling at our children, snarling at our spouse. Naturally, we feel worse. We spiral down into self loathing.

It would be simpler, of course, if you could always just feel good and never make mistakes. But you're human, right? By definition, that means imperfect. So the trick is continuing to feel compassion for yourself when you make a mistake -- or when your child makes a mistake, and you attack yourself for being a bad parent.

Of course, self-compassion takes practice. As compassion researcher Kristin Neff says, “The problem is that it’s hard to unlearn habits of a lifetime. People have to actively and consciously develop the habit of self-compassion.”

How can you develop the habit of self-compassion? Here are three concrete strategies....... (Continue reading)

Parenting Question of the Week
8 Year Old Tantrums

Dr. Laura,

My 8 year old has "melt downs" that seem extreme. We were camping. I asked for the bag of marshmallows. Instead of carrying them the 4' to me she threw them. The mellies ended up spilled on the ground. I asked her why she did this and she started to throw a tantrum. I told her that she could go in the tent to cool off. Once in the tent she was screaming, yelling, crying and causing such a ruckus. I had to quiet her down but by the time she got to that point I couldn't calm her...

Your daughter’s tantrums must seem incomprehensible to you. But she’s showing you that she needs something from you, something of critical importance in her emotional development. She needs your help to learn to regulate her emotions.

The next time your daughter has a meltdown, see it as an opportunity to help her develop the ability to self soothe.

You may have heard that letting children calm down in isolation helps them learn to self-soothe. The opposite is true. Brain development requires little ones to be soothed by someone else, and from that they develop the neural network to soothe themselves. If they don't develop this neural network in infancy, whether because they are left to cry or for some other reason, they will need your help to develop it during childhood.

So how do you help your daughter learn to self soothe, so she can stop her big feelings from exploding into a tantrum? The most effective parenting tool there is: Empathy.

Instead of sending her off somewhere to calm down when she starts to lose it, stay with her. Being alone when she’s that upset won’t teach her what she needs to learn. She needs to borrow your strength and calm. Remind yourself to keep breathing, not to take anything she says or does personally, and how much you love her.

....At this point you may be thinking that you’ll be letting your daughter get away with being lazy, and careless in her marshmallow-passing skills, not to mention throwing tantrums. ...... (Continue reading)