Divorce Done Wrong: Outrageous Parental Outbursts
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Because I'm recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, my first concern revolves around children and divorce. This is my take on the many divorce-in-the-news cases that attract public attention. With new technology such as YouTube.com, social media sites, email alerts, MP3 files, etc. now available to anyone who wants their day in public, there's a new array of divorce-related venting, ranting and raving for all to see. The actress Trisha Walsh Smith's YouTube public blast about her husband and their divorce is one such example.
Trisha used the video format to put down her husband for not giving her a fair deal in their marriage and divorce. Fortunately Trisha does not have young children because they would be dramatically affected by such an ego-centric outburst. Should parents experiencing divorce follow her example, they will be doing lifelong damage to their innocent children (who have to "handle" the public attention to their parents' divorce!)
Even without young children, her "tirade" affected the personal lives of many members of her and his family, forcing them into the limelight without their consent. This is a very selfish approach to bringing attention to her personal plight. Right or wrong in her gripe, she had no right to drag others into this embarrassing outburst. Showing photos and criticizing his family in public went way beyond venting about her circumstances. She would have been mortified if her husband had behaved in the same manner.
Ultimately she received a lot of media attention, which was her goal. However I don't believe it worked in her favor. I believe we must remind adults that just because new technology is available in our world, it does not mean we should break the boundaries of civility, respect and maturity in trying to make our points. We can't use naivety about the consequences as an excuse for poor taste, emotional abuse, or immature behavior. Those boundaries should come from within.
What frightens me most is the fear that divorcing parents might emulate this behavior without thinking about how it would affect their children. Even grown children will be mortified by parents hauling their dirty laundry up the flag pole in public arenas, just because they can.
I believe this kind of behavior, in the future, will come to be known as pulling a "Trisha." Let's hope Trisha becomes a poster child for how not to conduct yourself when your divorce gets dirty and you feel like lashing out!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Divorcing Parents: Don't Bring Your Battles to Court
Divorcing Parents: Don't Bring Your Battles to Court
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
You're getting divorced and you're angry, resentful, hurt, vindictive or any combination of other painful emotions. You want to lash out, to get back at your spouse or boost your own sense of esteem. Hiring the most aggressive litigious divorce lawyer you can find seems like your smartest choice. Your ex is in for a fight!
If you're a parent who is thinking along those lines, you're making a choice you may long regret.
If you choose a lawyer who directs you straight into a vicious court battle, the costs to you will be insurmountable - not only in financial outlay, but in emotional turmoil as well. Think long and hard before you move your divorce battle into the legal system. It is likely to take its toll on every member of your family - including your children - in the most destructive and gut-wrenching ways. It happens all the time. But it need not happen to you.
When you give your divorce outcome over to the courts, you are paving the way to unimaginable stress and frustration compounded by a sense of powerlessness that is hard to comprehend until you are in its grips. As you stand by and watch attorneys and judges make decisions about your life and your future you can't help but feel violated and helpless. The taste of revenge that you were after can easily turn into anxiety and shock when issues get twisted and victors become victims right before your eyes. The consequences can play out for years, and often decades, to come.
Sadly, your children are not protected from the emotional and psychological repercussions. When custody decisions are made by those who are focused more on financial issues than family issues, children's needs often get pushed aside in favor of other objectives. Relationships, balance and good will are not prime objectives in the battle of divorce, and the scars on your children's psyches are often overlooked in the legal blood-bath that ensues.
There are other ways. Better ways. And more ways than ever before to create a divorce that respects the rights of every one in the family.
Before engaging that "killer" attorney, talk to a Collaborative Divorce attorney who specializes in creating peaceful outcomes without going to court. Collaborative Lawyers are trained to use their own special skills along with the aid of financial planners, therapists, mediators and other resources to bring both sides into conversation about win-win outcomes. Children's needs get high consideration.
Certified Mediators offer another opportunity to create a fair settlement without litigation at a considerable cost savings. Many mediators are former divorce attorneys who have battled it out in court and know there are saner solutions for all concerned. They care about creating peaceful resolutions.
Learn from the lessons and mistakes of others. If you want to save yourself considerable expense - both emotionally and financially - and if you want your children to thank you when they are grown up for creating a civilized, sensible, harmonious divorce - make the right decisions today. Stay out of court. Stay out of the hands of killer attorneys. Stay in the good graces of your children. Create a Child-Centered Divorce - and reap the rewards for years to come!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
You're getting divorced and you're angry, resentful, hurt, vindictive or any combination of other painful emotions. You want to lash out, to get back at your spouse or boost your own sense of esteem. Hiring the most aggressive litigious divorce lawyer you can find seems like your smartest choice. Your ex is in for a fight!
If you're a parent who is thinking along those lines, you're making a choice you may long regret.
If you choose a lawyer who directs you straight into a vicious court battle, the costs to you will be insurmountable - not only in financial outlay, but in emotional turmoil as well. Think long and hard before you move your divorce battle into the legal system. It is likely to take its toll on every member of your family - including your children - in the most destructive and gut-wrenching ways. It happens all the time. But it need not happen to you.
When you give your divorce outcome over to the courts, you are paving the way to unimaginable stress and frustration compounded by a sense of powerlessness that is hard to comprehend until you are in its grips. As you stand by and watch attorneys and judges make decisions about your life and your future you can't help but feel violated and helpless. The taste of revenge that you were after can easily turn into anxiety and shock when issues get twisted and victors become victims right before your eyes. The consequences can play out for years, and often decades, to come.
Sadly, your children are not protected from the emotional and psychological repercussions. When custody decisions are made by those who are focused more on financial issues than family issues, children's needs often get pushed aside in favor of other objectives. Relationships, balance and good will are not prime objectives in the battle of divorce, and the scars on your children's psyches are often overlooked in the legal blood-bath that ensues.
There are other ways. Better ways. And more ways than ever before to create a divorce that respects the rights of every one in the family.
Before engaging that "killer" attorney, talk to a Collaborative Divorce attorney who specializes in creating peaceful outcomes without going to court. Collaborative Lawyers are trained to use their own special skills along with the aid of financial planners, therapists, mediators and other resources to bring both sides into conversation about win-win outcomes. Children's needs get high consideration.
Certified Mediators offer another opportunity to create a fair settlement without litigation at a considerable cost savings. Many mediators are former divorce attorneys who have battled it out in court and know there are saner solutions for all concerned. They care about creating peaceful resolutions.
Learn from the lessons and mistakes of others. If you want to save yourself considerable expense - both emotionally and financially - and if you want your children to thank you when they are grown up for creating a civilized, sensible, harmonious divorce - make the right decisions today. Stay out of court. Stay out of the hands of killer attorneys. Stay in the good graces of your children. Create a Child-Centered Divorce - and reap the rewards for years to come!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Child-Centered Divorce: Co-Parenting after divorce Co-Parenting After Divorce Takes Considerable Cooperation
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
While moving through a divorce can seem like an insurmountable obstacle, for many parents it is just the beginning of a new and equally intimidating challenge, co-parenting your children. Hats off to all of you who have chosen to remain in your children's lives as co-parents. It means both of you deeply care about your children and want to continue raising them in the least-disruptive possible manner.
Of course not all parents can share the parenting process in this way and for some couples it is not the ideal situation to even attempt it. But those couples who are determined to co-parent and choose to live relatively close to one another so as not to disturb the school, sports and other related schedules of their children, certainly deserve credit and acknowledgment.
This is a complex topic that can't be glossed over with a few simple how-tos. It is based on sincere levels of communication and a sense of trust between the former spouses. It is the path that I chose when I separated from my husband and we successfully mastered the ups and downs over the years without too much conflict and confusion. In fact, whenever my son, who was eleven when we first split, was with his father, I had a sense of peace and relief. I knew he was with the one person in the world that I most trusted to lovingly parent him so I could relax and enjoy my time off from parenting without anxiety.
That peace-of-mind is a major advantage to choosing the co-parenting route. Your children enjoy the security and comfort of being with their other parent when they are not with you. You are less dependent on strangers as caretakers in their lives, which is a win-win all around.
A friend of mine who is an author and parenting coach, Amy Botwinick, has some basic suggestions for mastering the art of co-parenting after divorce harmoniously. As a divorced parent herself who is now part of a blended family, she has much experience with this subject.
Here's Amy's advice:
One of the best things you can do for your children is to transition smoothly from spouse to co-parent with your former husband or wife. It won't always be easy and there will certainly be challenges along the way, but here are some things to remember that will help make your new relationship work.
If your ex is in your children's life, don't allow your children to call your boyfriend dad, daddy, father or anything close. Hopefully you will get the same treatment in return.
Never talk badly about their other parent, period. If children ask questions, try to give them age appropriate answers that are honest without passing judgment.
Always give your ex the first right of refusal regarding doing something special with your children before asking your new significant other to do it. For example, taking your teenage daughter for her driver's test.
If possible, try to celebrate birthdays, graduations and special events together with their other parent. Take into consideration each other's comfort issues and pick a place that will eliminate stress so you can enjoy your children and give them a sense of family.
Learn to pick your battles with your ex when it comes to the children. Get a feeling for what is worth discussing and what you actually have no control over.
Amy's wisdom is worth serious consideration. When you ignore any of these basic communication principles, you set yourself up for conflict, jealousy, stress and tension. Breaking these rules sabotages your sense of trust with your ex and that opens the door to mind games, retaliations, petty bickering and a lack of harmony for everyone in the family. Remember: when that happens, your children are the ones who pay the price!
Be the hero in your relationship with your children's other parent. Cooperate. Collaborate. Be flexible and do favors. You are much more likely to get them back in return.
* * *
Amy Botwinick is the author of Copngratulations On Your Divorce. She can be reached at www.todaysdivorcedwoman.com. Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
While moving through a divorce can seem like an insurmountable obstacle, for many parents it is just the beginning of a new and equally intimidating challenge, co-parenting your children. Hats off to all of you who have chosen to remain in your children's lives as co-parents. It means both of you deeply care about your children and want to continue raising them in the least-disruptive possible manner.
Of course not all parents can share the parenting process in this way and for some couples it is not the ideal situation to even attempt it. But those couples who are determined to co-parent and choose to live relatively close to one another so as not to disturb the school, sports and other related schedules of their children, certainly deserve credit and acknowledgment.
This is a complex topic that can't be glossed over with a few simple how-tos. It is based on sincere levels of communication and a sense of trust between the former spouses. It is the path that I chose when I separated from my husband and we successfully mastered the ups and downs over the years without too much conflict and confusion. In fact, whenever my son, who was eleven when we first split, was with his father, I had a sense of peace and relief. I knew he was with the one person in the world that I most trusted to lovingly parent him so I could relax and enjoy my time off from parenting without anxiety.
That peace-of-mind is a major advantage to choosing the co-parenting route. Your children enjoy the security and comfort of being with their other parent when they are not with you. You are less dependent on strangers as caretakers in their lives, which is a win-win all around.
A friend of mine who is an author and parenting coach, Amy Botwinick, has some basic suggestions for mastering the art of co-parenting after divorce harmoniously. As a divorced parent herself who is now part of a blended family, she has much experience with this subject.
Here's Amy's advice:
One of the best things you can do for your children is to transition smoothly from spouse to co-parent with your former husband or wife. It won't always be easy and there will certainly be challenges along the way, but here are some things to remember that will help make your new relationship work.
If your ex is in your children's life, don't allow your children to call your boyfriend dad, daddy, father or anything close. Hopefully you will get the same treatment in return.
Never talk badly about their other parent, period. If children ask questions, try to give them age appropriate answers that are honest without passing judgment.
Always give your ex the first right of refusal regarding doing something special with your children before asking your new significant other to do it. For example, taking your teenage daughter for her driver's test.
If possible, try to celebrate birthdays, graduations and special events together with their other parent. Take into consideration each other's comfort issues and pick a place that will eliminate stress so you can enjoy your children and give them a sense of family.
Learn to pick your battles with your ex when it comes to the children. Get a feeling for what is worth discussing and what you actually have no control over.
Amy's wisdom is worth serious consideration. When you ignore any of these basic communication principles, you set yourself up for conflict, jealousy, stress and tension. Breaking these rules sabotages your sense of trust with your ex and that opens the door to mind games, retaliations, petty bickering and a lack of harmony for everyone in the family. Remember: when that happens, your children are the ones who pay the price!
Be the hero in your relationship with your children's other parent. Cooperate. Collaborate. Be flexible and do favors. You are much more likely to get them back in return.
* * *
Amy Botwinick is the author of Copngratulations On Your Divorce. She can be reached at www.todaysdivorcedwoman.com. Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Friday, July 16, 2010
Coping with Co-Parenting Challenges Can be Challenging
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Frequently, I am asked "What is the key to successful co-parenting after divorce?" While there is no simple answer to that, I believe most professionals will agree the smartest strategy is learning how to remove anger, hostility or vindictiveness from your interactions with your former spouse.
We all know that's not always easy to do. However, the benefits you derive will more than make up for the sense of satisfaction or ego gratification you get when you hold on to those damaging emotions.
If you're intent on creating a child-centered divorce that strives for harmony between you and your ex, you need to initiate the conversation and model win-win solutions. If your ex doesn't want to cooperate, that's when your patience will certainly be tested. Look for opportunities to clarify why working together as co-parents as often as possible will create far better outcomes for your children. Over time hopefully your ex will see how much more peaceful the family interactions become when you're not focused on "winning" or butting heads.
In some cases, this just won't work. If your former spouse is totally hostile and unapproachable, you may have to work on your acceptance skills. You'll likely have to let go of the idea that child-centered parenting will occur. At this point, the needs and protection of your children must take precedence over trying to engage your ex.
Sometimes it may be necessary for you to keep the other parent at a distance for the well-being of your children. In other cases it might be your ex who is trying to create the distance from you. These challenges are not easy to resolve, but are certainly worth the effort.
If your extended family is excluded by the unenlightened parent, there are ways to try to work around the situation. If visits have been deterred, encourage your family members to express their love and attention through alternative means: telephone calls, emails, social networking chats, letters and other creative resources. The key is not to give up. Continue with any means of communication until the family gains access to the children, even if it is a considerable time in the future.
There are no magic solutions when one spouse is out to spite or hurt the other through the children. But behaving in the same hurtful way is rarely a viable solution. Focus your energies on discussing the well-being of your children in the short- and long-term. Demonstrate patience and determination while containing feelings of anger and ill will. Should your case need legal action to be resolved, your mature parental behavior will be regarded positively when you're trying to make your case in court. If for no other reason, consider the judge's perspective before you take actions that will reap undesirable consequences.
Don't hesitate to consult professional counselors, mediators, clergy or others who can provide objective guidance on how to restore or create harmony for the sake of your children. Often they can offer perspectives you had not thought of or wanted to consider which can lead to new options for all concerned. The more open and flexible you are, the better the possibility of turning a difficult situation into a more cooperative one. Remember, your goal is always what's in the best interest of your children - even when it's not the ideal choice for you. When your children are at peace, everyone wins.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Frequently, I am asked "What is the key to successful co-parenting after divorce?" While there is no simple answer to that, I believe most professionals will agree the smartest strategy is learning how to remove anger, hostility or vindictiveness from your interactions with your former spouse.
We all know that's not always easy to do. However, the benefits you derive will more than make up for the sense of satisfaction or ego gratification you get when you hold on to those damaging emotions.
If you're intent on creating a child-centered divorce that strives for harmony between you and your ex, you need to initiate the conversation and model win-win solutions. If your ex doesn't want to cooperate, that's when your patience will certainly be tested. Look for opportunities to clarify why working together as co-parents as often as possible will create far better outcomes for your children. Over time hopefully your ex will see how much more peaceful the family interactions become when you're not focused on "winning" or butting heads.
In some cases, this just won't work. If your former spouse is totally hostile and unapproachable, you may have to work on your acceptance skills. You'll likely have to let go of the idea that child-centered parenting will occur. At this point, the needs and protection of your children must take precedence over trying to engage your ex.
Sometimes it may be necessary for you to keep the other parent at a distance for the well-being of your children. In other cases it might be your ex who is trying to create the distance from you. These challenges are not easy to resolve, but are certainly worth the effort.
If your extended family is excluded by the unenlightened parent, there are ways to try to work around the situation. If visits have been deterred, encourage your family members to express their love and attention through alternative means: telephone calls, emails, social networking chats, letters and other creative resources. The key is not to give up. Continue with any means of communication until the family gains access to the children, even if it is a considerable time in the future.
There are no magic solutions when one spouse is out to spite or hurt the other through the children. But behaving in the same hurtful way is rarely a viable solution. Focus your energies on discussing the well-being of your children in the short- and long-term. Demonstrate patience and determination while containing feelings of anger and ill will. Should your case need legal action to be resolved, your mature parental behavior will be regarded positively when you're trying to make your case in court. If for no other reason, consider the judge's perspective before you take actions that will reap undesirable consequences.
Don't hesitate to consult professional counselors, mediators, clergy or others who can provide objective guidance on how to restore or create harmony for the sake of your children. Often they can offer perspectives you had not thought of or wanted to consider which can lead to new options for all concerned. The more open and flexible you are, the better the possibility of turning a difficult situation into a more cooperative one. Remember, your goal is always what's in the best interest of your children - even when it's not the ideal choice for you. When your children are at peace, everyone wins.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Friday, April 16, 2010
When a teenager breaks the rules
When a teenager breaks the rules, they need to think of it as their own decision to also accept the consequences.
Unlike younger children, teenagers can reason, so consequences become the result of their decision to do wrong, not what the parent “does” to punish them.
For instance, coming home after curfew means they are choosing not to be trusted with a later curfew, so the parent’s role is to make that uncomfortable through removing that privilege for a time. If they again break it, then they’ll automatically lose a more significant privilege, like the use of the car.
The sooner they realize that they are bringing upon themselves their own consequences, the sooner they’ll begin making better decisions.
©2010 Mark Gregston
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Unlike younger children, teenagers can reason, so consequences become the result of their decision to do wrong, not what the parent “does” to punish them.
For instance, coming home after curfew means they are choosing not to be trusted with a later curfew, so the parent’s role is to make that uncomfortable through removing that privilege for a time. If they again break it, then they’ll automatically lose a more significant privilege, like the use of the car.
The sooner they realize that they are bringing upon themselves their own consequences, the sooner they’ll begin making better decisions.
©2010 Mark Gregston
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Privileges
Privileges like cell phones, allowances and the use of a family car are just that – privileges – but teens sometimes need to be reminded of that.
Outside of education, clothing, food and protection, everything else given your teen is a privilege. When a self-centered teenager forgets that, and wreaks havoc in the family, a parent needs to remind them that along with privileges come responsibilities, like helping around the house, being respectful to each other, and following the family rules.
I’m thankful in a way that kids have so many privileges today. Because it gives parents plenty of things to put on the shelf for a time to show their teenager that privileges can be lost through irresponsibility.
from "Parenting Today's Teens Radio"
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Outside of education, clothing, food and protection, everything else given your teen is a privilege. When a self-centered teenager forgets that, and wreaks havoc in the family, a parent needs to remind them that along with privileges come responsibilities, like helping around the house, being respectful to each other, and following the family rules.
I’m thankful in a way that kids have so many privileges today. Because it gives parents plenty of things to put on the shelf for a time to show their teenager that privileges can be lost through irresponsibility.
from "Parenting Today's Teens Radio"
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Being inconsistent with your rules and boundaries
Nothing can make your home more of a battle zone than being inconsistent with your rules and boundaries.
Have you ever walked through a forest and had the person in front of you let go of a branch, allowing it to whip across your face? That hurts! And that’s kind of what parenting is like when you’re inconsistent with the rules. Every time your teen wants more freedom they slap you with another verbal tirade, because they’ve learned that’s what will change your mind.
Rules should be age-appropriate and periodically reviewed, but never changed to silence an angry teen. That only leads to insecurity in the teen and more arguing and disrespect in the future.
from "Parenting Today's Teens Radio"
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Have you ever walked through a forest and had the person in front of you let go of a branch, allowing it to whip across your face? That hurts! And that’s kind of what parenting is like when you’re inconsistent with the rules. Every time your teen wants more freedom they slap you with another verbal tirade, because they’ve learned that’s what will change your mind.
Rules should be age-appropriate and periodically reviewed, but never changed to silence an angry teen. That only leads to insecurity in the teen and more arguing and disrespect in the future.
from "Parenting Today's Teens Radio"
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
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