Parenting Secret of the Week:

From: Dr. Laura Markham [mailto:DrLauraMarkham=AhaParenting.com@mcsv22.net] On Behalf Of Dr. Laura Markham
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2011 7:12 PM
To: michelle@childsharing.com
Subject: Weekly Secrets of Happy Parents - May 16, 2011





Parenting Secret of the Week:
Help Your Child Discover His Passion
Enthusiasm. Engagement. It's almost the definition of childhood. A jaded withdrawn, child is a red flag that something is very wrong.

We all recognize that feeling of full engagement that gives meaning to our lives, when we apply ourselves so completely to the task at hand that we tap into all our resources and then some we never knew we had.
Abraham Maslow described these as “peak moments,” sports stars call it “being in the zone", zen masters express it as being fully present. Somehow, we bring ourselves so completely to the moment that we seem to step out of time, even out of ourselves. For all of us, it is when we are most fully alive.
Zen masters, of course, can experience this ecstatic state while doing the laundry or stirring the oatmeal, and such experiences, at least occasionally, are one of the many benefits of a regular meditation practice or athletic regimen. Small children actually live in this state much of the time.
Most humans, however, are more likely to experience peak moments while striving towards a goal. Dopamine, a highly pleasurable neurotransmitter released in the brain in response to alcohol, nicotine, marijuana, cocaine and other mood altering drugs, is naturally present in the brain when we wholeheartedly pursue a goal. Study after study exploring happiness indicates that humans are happiest when they are fully engaged in a challenging activity.
In our culture, the satisfaction and pleasure humans get from achieving goals has become warped by the emphasis on money and possessions. Although many of us continue to pursue more material things, including higher salaries, their attainment is less satisfying the more we have.
Unfortunately, this is true for kids as well. Studies show that affluent children are more likely to be bored, less enthusiastic, and less likely to report deriving pleasure from their activities.
Engagement is protective for children. Kids who are passionate about something -- basketball, chess, collecting comic books, playing the trumpet – tend to protect their passion. Smoking compromises the trumpet player’s wind, late nights carousing throw off the ball player’s game, and the serious student knows she wants her mind clear for tomorrow's test.
So how can we help our children to experience the rewards of full engagement?...(Keep reading...)

Ages & Stages: Preschoolers
Positive Parenting Your Preschooler
Ages three to five have been called The Wonder Years, and wondrous they are, ping-ponging from whining and tantrums to politeness to cuddling to exuberance to exploding intellect.
Preschoolers are explorers, scientists, artists. They're learning how to be friends, how to engage with the world, how to control their bodies, emotions and minds. With a little help from you, these years will build a fertile foundation for your son or daughter's entire childhood.
What your preschooler needs from you:
1. Structure. Regular routines help kids feel safe, and are vital for preschoolers, who grapple with big fears on a daily basis. The world is chaotic and scary to them; their household should be predictable. A calm, orderly and fun atmosphere, with regular meal and bedtime routines, will produce happier children who have the internal resources to meet daily developmental challenges.
2. Enough sleep. Preschoolers may resist bedtime, but without sufficient sleep, three to five year olds simply do not have the resourcefulness to cope with the demands of their day. Develop a regular routine that helps her wind down and start relaxing well before bedtime. When he gives up his nap, be sure he still gets some downtime to rest every day.
3. Control over her own food intake. Give them responsibility for how much they eat. Remember that most young children need frequent small meals, and if you don’t provide that, they’ll end up snacking all day. If you always provide a variety of healthy food, you can feel comfortable letting them choose which ones they eat and how much. Never set up a clean plate as the goal; instead, when they say they're done, ask them how their body feels. Obesity starts in preschool. If you're bothered by throwing the food away, buy a composter -- and ask yourself why not wasting food is more important than your child's future physical health and body image? Children don't starve themselves.....(continue reading)

Blog Post of the Week
Your Child's Action Plus Your Reaction = Outcome
"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom." -- Victor Frankl
"Dr. Laura -- Your emails on how mindfuless makes us better parents are useful, I admit. But I signed up for your email to help me change my kid's behavior, not mine!" -- Gerri

Mindfulness is not about changing anyone, it's about bringing our attention to our experience. But the magic of loving attention is that changes everything it touches -- us, and also our child. Because when we change our way of showing up with our kids, their behavior changes. Let me explain.
All parents would like to change their child's behavior at times. We want our kids to act responsible, considerate, cheerful. What are our choices?
A. Force them physically to do what we want.
B. Manipulate them emotionally to do what we want.
C. Set up the conditions of their life so they're more likely to do what we want.
D. Relate to them in a way that makes it more likely they'll do what we want.
Option A (Force them physically to do what we want) might change the behavior, and there are times when it's necessary, such as when we stop our child from running into the street or clobbering his little brother. But it only works while we're a lot stronger. Worse, it doesn't actually help our child develop into the person we're hoping he'll become.... which means maybe we're actually aiming to do something much tougher than changing our child's behavior. We want to help our child to develop into a certain kind of person -- a responsible, considerate, thoughtful, happy person. Research shows that kids who are physically forced into a desired behavior don't "own" that behavior.
Option B (Manipulate them emotionally to do what we want) can work for a lifetime to impact your child's behavior, as proven by the number of people who routinely use guilt to manipulate their grown children. But it doesn't raise the emotionally intelligent kid you're hoping for -- and it sabotages your relationship with your child. It's a powerful, but dangerous (and probably immoral) tool.
Option C (Set up the conditions of their life so they're more likely to do what we want) is extremely useful when kids are young. Baby-proof the house and your child won't break the valuables. Give her enough sleep and she's less likely to tantrum. Sit with her while she does her homework in elementary school and she's more likely to become a stellar student. But as kids get older and spend more time away from us, we have a lot less control over the conditions of their lives. So this tool is essential to help kids learn good habits, but it's not enough by itself.
Option D (Relate to them in a way that makes it more likely they'll do what we want) assumes that our relationship with our child is the most important factor in his or her development, which is what scientists now believe. Kids do what we want because they care about the relationship and because they don't want to disappoint us. Because they're more open to our guidance, they internalize all those good habits you're trying to teach and model. Research shows that kids who .... (Continue reading)

Parenting Question of the Week
Preschooler Jealous of Baby, Developing Attitude
My son will be 4 yrs old in July. I always give him choices on things so that he doesn't feel powerless but it doesn't seem to matter, he seems to want to argue with everything I say these days. He is VERY jealous of his 16 month old baby sister. He alternates between wanting to be nice to her to shoving her or yelling in her face for the littlest of things. He is also obsessed with taking away toys from her. I feel like all I do is tell him no. For instance the other day he shoved his sister down and she split her lip. He seems unconcerned whenever he is mean to her. I am worried he will really hurt her one day and not mean to. He told me today he wanted a different mom, which broke my heart. I do lose my temper and I do yell even though I know I shouldn't....I just can't seem to make him understand otherwise what he did was wrong if I don't yell.

I am so sorry to hear your little guy is having such a tough time -- and giving you and his sister such a tough time! It is not unusual to have a difficult adjustment to a new sibling, and he’s also at a challenging age. But most worrisome is his anger at you. He is not telling you that he wants a new mom because he is testing you. He is furious at you, and doesn’t know what to do with those feelings.

Look at it this way. He was your only child. You were the center of his universe. Enter the interloper, your darling little girl. He feels mortally wounded, heart-broken. He is in mourning with no words to express what he’s lost. What’s worse, he feels hateful toward his sister, and every time he expresses it he loses your love. He’s trapped in his tangled up angry emotions, which cause him to lash out. He feels terrible about himself for being so “evil.” And he feels your anger at him, your giving up on him. So not only is he bereft, but his doting mom has disappeared and been replaced by someone who yells at him. He may be expressing anger, but underneath, he’s heart-broken at the loss of your love and respect.

It's difficult to be three. Kids are trying hard to master all kinds of developmental tasks. Parents often crack down with too many rules and expectations. Three year olds desperately need their parents and want to please them, and are acutely sensitive to any lack of parental approval. They really can't bear it when they think you're finding fault with them, which is why they might tell you to shut up!.... (Continue reading)


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Quotes of the Week
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. -- Bacon Babble

"It’s no picnic reaching out to an angry child. But if you get busy defending yourself and straightening out the truth, you won’t be concentrating on your frightened child. She needs to tell you just how far away from you she feels before she can let you help her with her fears. Listening to passionately felt bitterness while you continue to offer your caring seems to be the fastest, most efficient way through the tangle. Remember, your child is frightened and sad inside, and wants to find some way to trust you again, so she can finally sob in your arms and feel your protection, your love for her." -- Patty Wipfler

"Temper tantrums are acts of desperation. They are not calculated efforts at manipulation. If your child is having temper tantrums, try to make yourself more available, not less available." – Martha Heineman Pieper

"Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label. Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients and to pull the weeds. You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom." -- Anonymous

"May we know when to surrender, and do so with grace. May we remember that some people's lives are parched dry... and be grateful for the abundance in ours. May we carry our loads with ease amid sweetness. May we learn and teach well. May we take exquisite care of ourselves. May we find life in new and exciting ways. May we come to the surface for air when we need it. And may everything that hurts us also be a little funny. -- Rabbi Brad Hirschfield

What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” – Pericles
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Positive Parenting Your Terrible, Terrific Toddler
So your precious infant has somehow grown into a walking (or at least toddling), talking (or at least trying to string three words together) human being, who enchants you with his big heart and drives you crazy with his mule-headedness. In this audio , you'll learn:
• What's going on in your todder's brain?
• Specific suggestions to live peacefully with a toddler
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• What your toddler needs from you.
• Why toddlers need routines.
• How to handle tantrums.
• How to maximize your fun with this terrific little person, and minimize the aggravation!
Download Now:
Positive Parenting Your Terrible, Terrific Toddler


From a listener:
"Thank you so much for your talk on Toddlers! Your comments on brain development taught me new information that is very useful in understanding what makes my son tick. I can't wait to try your suggestions for what to say to him and how to make things go smoother." -- Tammy
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Help Your Child WANT to Behave
Would you like to try a more gentle form of discipline but you aren't sure how? Parents who spank, yell, or use timeouts and "consequences" as threats are often disbelieving when they hear that there are families who never hit, never use timeouts, and rarely raise their voices to their children.

But you shouldn’t need to use these methods of discipline, and if you're using them now, you'll probably be quite relieved to hear that not only can you wean yourself away from them, but your children will be better behaved as a result. This ebook will get you started. I personally guarantee that you'll see positive results in your relationship with your child, and in your child's behavior, within two weeks. If you don't your money will be promptly and cheerfully refunded.
Download Now: Help Your Child WANT to Behave

From readers:
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Thank You, Dr. Laura for the ebook about positive discipline. I am so grateful to have found your inspiration and wisdom. My heart is open from feeling the love and support you give. I am thankful for help in raising children who are loved and happy. With immense gratitude, Danielle
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