Parents often tell me they don’t know where to begin to have a “real” conversation with their child. These questions will get you started. Rather than badgering your child with them, use one as the jumping off point for a two-way conversation. Start by asking your child the question, and listen to the answer, remembering to reflect back what she’s saying so she knows you understand. Don’t shy away from expressing your opinions, as long as you remember not to lecture; kids are often curious what parents think. The point is developing the habit of conversation and deepening your relationship. These questions also work well to launch dinner table conversations.
Getting to Know Your Child
• What are the three most interesting things about you?
• Name five reasons you’re glad to be alive.
• What’s your favorite song? Why?
• What’s your favorite movie? Why? What do you think the “take-away” message of this movie is?
• Why do you think kids put rings in their eyebrows and noses and bellybuttons? How about tattoos? Do you think you would ever want to do that? Why or why not?
• If we could go anywhere you wanted on vacation, where would you choose? Why? • If you could have a conversation with anyone in history, who would it be? What would you want to ask them? • What is your biggest fear? • What are you most proud of?
Family
• On a scale of 1 to 10, how strict are the parents in this family? What is the ideal number?
• What’s the best thing about our family?
• What do you think are the most important qualities of a good parent?
• What do you think makes a happy family?
• Do blended families take more work? Can they be as happy as birth families?
• Do you think it’s harder for adopted kids? Do you think it’s a good idea for them to look up their birth parents? Why or why not?
• Tell each person in the family why you’re glad they’re part of the family.
• How do you think our family is the same or different from other families?
• Do you want to have kids when you grow up? Why or why not? What kind of parent will you be?
Values
• What do you think makes a person popular? Are wealthier kids more popular? Kids who mature faster? Are you popular? Why or why not? Would you like to be?
• What kinds of lies do your friends tell their parents?
• What would you do if all the other kids were planning to cheat on the final and you knew that not doing so would lower your grade? How common do you think cheating is at your school? Is it ever ok to cheat, in academics, sports, business?
• Do you think it’s okay to lie about your age to get into an amusement park with a cheaper ticket? Is it ever ok to lie?
• What do you think makes the most difference in how kids do at school? Hard work, innate ability, parental supervision, peer attitudes, how good the school is? Do you think it makes sense to admit students to a college based only on academic achievement, or should an attempt be made to achieve racial and ethnic diversity as well? Do you think kids from wealthier school districts have an unfair advantage?
• Does it matter if a person makes a moral or immoral choice, if no one ever knows?
Love, Sex & Marriage
• At what age do you think people can fall in love? At what age should people marry?
• Do you think people should be married to have sex? If not, how should they decide whether they’re ready?
• What do you think changes when you have sex?
• How do you think love is different in real life than it is in the movies?
• Do you think any of the kids at school are not virgins? What do you think about that?
• Do kids at your school actually “date”? What do you think about the idea of “friends with benefits”? Does the girl benefit as much as the guy? Do you think girls and guys have the same needs from sex and relationships?
• Do you know anyone who’s gay? Does anyone treat them differently? What do you think about that?
• Why do you think people get divorced? How do you think it affects the kids?
Drug and Alcohol use
• Why is it bad for kids to drink alcohol? After all, many parents do it.
• When do you think kids are ready to try alcohol?
• What would you do if you were at a party and someone passed out from drinking alcohol?
• What would you do if you were in a car and the driver had been drinking or smoking marijuana?
• What do the kids at your school do at parties? Have you been to a party like that? Have you ever been offered a drink? A marijuana cigarette or other drugs? How did you handle it?
• What do you think happens in the brain when people smoke marijuana? Why shouldn't kids smoke it?
• Do you think coffee is a drug? When do you think it’s ok for kids to start drinking coffee?
Body Image and Gender Roles
• How do you think ordinary peoples’ bodies compare to the models and actors on TV? How does it make you feel to watch them?
• What do you think of the way girls and guys in high school dress these days?
• How would you define “sexy”? Is it important to be “sexy”? Are some of the kids at school sexy? How does someone know if they’re sexy? Is it important that your future boyfriend or girlfriend be sexy? What are the most important qualities you would want in a boyfriend or girlfriend?
• Do you think most girls are glad when they reach puberty? Why or why not? Do you think most guys are glad when they reach puberty? Why or why not?
• Do you know anyone with an eating disorder? Why do you think kids develop eating disorders? Why do you think there’s such an emphasis on thin-ness in our society?
Spirituality
• Do you believe in God? Why or why not? If so, how do you picture God?
• Do you ever talk to God?
• Is spirituality the same as religion or different? Has religion played a positive or negative role in history?
• Do you have good friends who practice religions that are different from ours? Acquaintances? How are you like them? How are you different? Do you think there is one best religion? Why or why not?
• What do you think happens after death?
• What do you think is the meaning of life? Why are we alive? How will you know if you’ve had a successful life?
Dr. Laura Markham
As both a mom and a Clinical Psychologist with a Ph.D. from Columbia University, Dr. Laura Markham translates proven science into the practical solutions you need for the family life you want.
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