By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
While moving through a divorce can seem like an insurmountable obstacle, for many parents it is just the beginning of a new and equally intimidating challenge, co-parenting your children. Hats off to all of you who have chosen to remain in your children's lives as co-parents. It means both of you deeply care about your children and want to continue raising them in the least-disruptive possible manner.
Of course not all parents can share the parenting process in this way and for some couples it is not the ideal situation to even attempt it. But those couples who are determined to co-parent and choose to live relatively close to one another so as not to disturb the school, sports and other related schedules of their children, certainly deserve credit and acknowledgment.
This is a complex topic that can't be glossed over with a few simple how-tos. It is based on sincere levels of communication and a sense of trust between the former spouses. It is the path that I chose when I separated from my husband and we successfully mastered the ups and downs over the years without too much conflict and confusion. In fact, whenever my son, who was eleven when we first split, was with his father, I had a sense of peace and relief. I knew he was with the one person in the world that I most trusted to lovingly parent him so I could relax and enjoy my time off from parenting without anxiety.
That peace-of-mind is a major advantage to choosing the co-parenting route. Your children enjoy the security and comfort of being with their other parent when they are not with you. You are less dependent on strangers as caretakers in their lives, which is a win-win all around.
A friend of mine who is an author and parenting coach, Amy Botwinick, has some basic suggestions for mastering the art of co-parenting after divorce harmoniously. As a divorced parent herself who is now part of a blended family, she has much experience with this subject.
Here's Amy's advice:
One of the best things you can do for your children is to transition smoothly from spouse to co-parent with your former husband or wife. It won't always be easy and there will certainly be challenges along the way, but here are some things to remember that will help make your new relationship work.
If your ex is in your children's life, don't allow your children to call your boyfriend dad, daddy, father or anything close. Hopefully you will get the same treatment in return.
Never talk badly about their other parent, period. If children ask questions, try to give them age appropriate answers that are honest without passing judgment.
Always give your ex the first right of refusal regarding doing something special with your children before asking your new significant other to do it. For example, taking your teenage daughter for her driver's test.
If possible, try to celebrate birthdays, graduations and special events together with their other parent. Take into consideration each other's comfort issues and pick a place that will eliminate stress so you can enjoy your children and give them a sense of family.
Learn to pick your battles with your ex when it comes to the children. Get a feeling for what is worth discussing and what you actually have no control over.
Amy's wisdom is worth serious consideration. When you ignore any of these basic communication principles, you set yourself up for conflict, jealousy, stress and tension. Breaking these rules sabotages your sense of trust with your ex and that opens the door to mind games, retaliations, petty bickering and a lack of harmony for everyone in the family. Remember: when that happens, your children are the ones who pay the price!
Be the hero in your relationship with your children's other parent. Cooperate. Collaborate. Be flexible and do favors. You are much more likely to get them back in return.
* * *
Amy Botwinick is the author of Copngratulations On Your Divorce. She can be reached at www.todaysdivorcedwoman.com. Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Coping with Co-Parenting Challenges Can be Challenging
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Frequently, I am asked "What is the key to successful co-parenting after divorce?" While there is no simple answer to that, I believe most professionals will agree the smartest strategy is learning how to remove anger, hostility or vindictiveness from your interactions with your former spouse.
We all know that's not always easy to do. However, the benefits you derive will more than make up for the sense of satisfaction or ego gratification you get when you hold on to those damaging emotions.
If you're intent on creating a child-centered divorce that strives for harmony between you and your ex, you need to initiate the conversation and model win-win solutions. If your ex doesn't want to cooperate, that's when your patience will certainly be tested. Look for opportunities to clarify why working together as co-parents as often as possible will create far better outcomes for your children. Over time hopefully your ex will see how much more peaceful the family interactions become when you're not focused on "winning" or butting heads.
In some cases, this just won't work. If your former spouse is totally hostile and unapproachable, you may have to work on your acceptance skills. You'll likely have to let go of the idea that child-centered parenting will occur. At this point, the needs and protection of your children must take precedence over trying to engage your ex.
Sometimes it may be necessary for you to keep the other parent at a distance for the well-being of your children. In other cases it might be your ex who is trying to create the distance from you. These challenges are not easy to resolve, but are certainly worth the effort.
If your extended family is excluded by the unenlightened parent, there are ways to try to work around the situation. If visits have been deterred, encourage your family members to express their love and attention through alternative means: telephone calls, emails, social networking chats, letters and other creative resources. The key is not to give up. Continue with any means of communication until the family gains access to the children, even if it is a considerable time in the future.
There are no magic solutions when one spouse is out to spite or hurt the other through the children. But behaving in the same hurtful way is rarely a viable solution. Focus your energies on discussing the well-being of your children in the short- and long-term. Demonstrate patience and determination while containing feelings of anger and ill will. Should your case need legal action to be resolved, your mature parental behavior will be regarded positively when you're trying to make your case in court. If for no other reason, consider the judge's perspective before you take actions that will reap undesirable consequences.
Don't hesitate to consult professional counselors, mediators, clergy or others who can provide objective guidance on how to restore or create harmony for the sake of your children. Often they can offer perspectives you had not thought of or wanted to consider which can lead to new options for all concerned. The more open and flexible you are, the better the possibility of turning a difficult situation into a more cooperative one. Remember, your goal is always what's in the best interest of your children - even when it's not the ideal choice for you. When your children are at peace, everyone wins.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Frequently, I am asked "What is the key to successful co-parenting after divorce?" While there is no simple answer to that, I believe most professionals will agree the smartest strategy is learning how to remove anger, hostility or vindictiveness from your interactions with your former spouse.
We all know that's not always easy to do. However, the benefits you derive will more than make up for the sense of satisfaction or ego gratification you get when you hold on to those damaging emotions.
If you're intent on creating a child-centered divorce that strives for harmony between you and your ex, you need to initiate the conversation and model win-win solutions. If your ex doesn't want to cooperate, that's when your patience will certainly be tested. Look for opportunities to clarify why working together as co-parents as often as possible will create far better outcomes for your children. Over time hopefully your ex will see how much more peaceful the family interactions become when you're not focused on "winning" or butting heads.
In some cases, this just won't work. If your former spouse is totally hostile and unapproachable, you may have to work on your acceptance skills. You'll likely have to let go of the idea that child-centered parenting will occur. At this point, the needs and protection of your children must take precedence over trying to engage your ex.
Sometimes it may be necessary for you to keep the other parent at a distance for the well-being of your children. In other cases it might be your ex who is trying to create the distance from you. These challenges are not easy to resolve, but are certainly worth the effort.
If your extended family is excluded by the unenlightened parent, there are ways to try to work around the situation. If visits have been deterred, encourage your family members to express their love and attention through alternative means: telephone calls, emails, social networking chats, letters and other creative resources. The key is not to give up. Continue with any means of communication until the family gains access to the children, even if it is a considerable time in the future.
There are no magic solutions when one spouse is out to spite or hurt the other through the children. But behaving in the same hurtful way is rarely a viable solution. Focus your energies on discussing the well-being of your children in the short- and long-term. Demonstrate patience and determination while containing feelings of anger and ill will. Should your case need legal action to be resolved, your mature parental behavior will be regarded positively when you're trying to make your case in court. If for no other reason, consider the judge's perspective before you take actions that will reap undesirable consequences.
Don't hesitate to consult professional counselors, mediators, clergy or others who can provide objective guidance on how to restore or create harmony for the sake of your children. Often they can offer perspectives you had not thought of or wanted to consider which can lead to new options for all concerned. The more open and flexible you are, the better the possibility of turning a difficult situation into a more cooperative one. Remember, your goal is always what's in the best interest of your children - even when it's not the ideal choice for you. When your children are at peace, everyone wins.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Friday, April 16, 2010
When a teenager breaks the rules
When a teenager breaks the rules, they need to think of it as their own decision to also accept the consequences.
Unlike younger children, teenagers can reason, so consequences become the result of their decision to do wrong, not what the parent “does” to punish them.
For instance, coming home after curfew means they are choosing not to be trusted with a later curfew, so the parent’s role is to make that uncomfortable through removing that privilege for a time. If they again break it, then they’ll automatically lose a more significant privilege, like the use of the car.
The sooner they realize that they are bringing upon themselves their own consequences, the sooner they’ll begin making better decisions.
©2010 Mark Gregston
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Unlike younger children, teenagers can reason, so consequences become the result of their decision to do wrong, not what the parent “does” to punish them.
For instance, coming home after curfew means they are choosing not to be trusted with a later curfew, so the parent’s role is to make that uncomfortable through removing that privilege for a time. If they again break it, then they’ll automatically lose a more significant privilege, like the use of the car.
The sooner they realize that they are bringing upon themselves their own consequences, the sooner they’ll begin making better decisions.
©2010 Mark Gregston
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Privileges
Privileges like cell phones, allowances and the use of a family car are just that – privileges – but teens sometimes need to be reminded of that.
Outside of education, clothing, food and protection, everything else given your teen is a privilege. When a self-centered teenager forgets that, and wreaks havoc in the family, a parent needs to remind them that along with privileges come responsibilities, like helping around the house, being respectful to each other, and following the family rules.
I’m thankful in a way that kids have so many privileges today. Because it gives parents plenty of things to put on the shelf for a time to show their teenager that privileges can be lost through irresponsibility.
from "Parenting Today's Teens Radio"
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Outside of education, clothing, food and protection, everything else given your teen is a privilege. When a self-centered teenager forgets that, and wreaks havoc in the family, a parent needs to remind them that along with privileges come responsibilities, like helping around the house, being respectful to each other, and following the family rules.
I’m thankful in a way that kids have so many privileges today. Because it gives parents plenty of things to put on the shelf for a time to show their teenager that privileges can be lost through irresponsibility.
from "Parenting Today's Teens Radio"
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Being inconsistent with your rules and boundaries
Nothing can make your home more of a battle zone than being inconsistent with your rules and boundaries.
Have you ever walked through a forest and had the person in front of you let go of a branch, allowing it to whip across your face? That hurts! And that’s kind of what parenting is like when you’re inconsistent with the rules. Every time your teen wants more freedom they slap you with another verbal tirade, because they’ve learned that’s what will change your mind.
Rules should be age-appropriate and periodically reviewed, but never changed to silence an angry teen. That only leads to insecurity in the teen and more arguing and disrespect in the future.
from "Parenting Today's Teens Radio"
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Have you ever walked through a forest and had the person in front of you let go of a branch, allowing it to whip across your face? That hurts! And that’s kind of what parenting is like when you’re inconsistent with the rules. Every time your teen wants more freedom they slap you with another verbal tirade, because they’ve learned that’s what will change your mind.
Rules should be age-appropriate and periodically reviewed, but never changed to silence an angry teen. That only leads to insecurity in the teen and more arguing and disrespect in the future.
from "Parenting Today's Teens Radio"
Michelle Muncy
Marketing Planner
ChildSharing, Inc.
805.550.3663
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
ChildSharing Expands Parent Education Classes Throughout Pasco, FL Volusia, FL and Orange, FL county
Per County Request, Court Mandated Online Co-Parenting Classes Are Now Available to Family Courts Across the Country.
March 23, 2010 San Luis Obispo, CA – ChildSharing.com announced the availability of a new online co-parenting program designed to aid families raising children between multiple homes throughout the country. The 4-hour program includes videos, quizzes, and life applications which serves as an alternative for parents who are mandated to take a co-parenting class to obtain a final decree or for those that are seeking to increase positive communication and parenting skills.
The new program is in response to growing county demand for assistance in aiding families as well as with their own budget limitations. As a free resource available to the counties, the option for parents to attend online classes has been gaining popularity throughout the country. Many times, parents who are required to attend classes are constrained by factors such as resource limitations, time, scheduling and training costs. In response to these challenges, ChildSharing.com chose to create the co-parenting class to ensure that the transition between families is smooth and successful.
As an award winning website, ChildSharing.com is continually working with counties that want to move towards online solutions," said Hector Libs, Director of Professional Services. "Our continued outstanding customer service and support as the education market matures, makes this new program easier for counties and families to make the move to ChildSharing.com."
Michelle Muncy, ChildSharing, Inc.’s Marketing Director, commented, “Given ChildSharing.com’s evolving content to meet the demands of the counties, we have successfully developed the new co-parenting program to be a scalable model of this concept while still keeping it visually pleasing. The program is both informative and accessible—a combination that is all too rare in our complex, increasingly technology-driven learning environment. Our hope is that we are able to provide education to parents, at an affordable price who may not have otherwise received it.”
The new program is available immediately on www.ChildSharing.com.
Founded in 2008, ChildSharing, Inc. is dedicated to advancing the field of child-sharing as a means of better educating families faced with raising children between multiple homes. Guided by a strong development team, ChildSharing works with experts throughout the United States to provide its members with the most comprehensive information and resources for educating and raising children between multiple homes. For more information about ChildSharing, Inc and its team of experts, visit http://www.ChildSharing.com.
Media interested in setting up an interview with ChildSharing, Inc. representatives regarding the online program should contact Lori Lavigne in the development planning office (805-354-1139 or lori@ChildSharing.com).
March 23, 2010 San Luis Obispo, CA – ChildSharing.com announced the availability of a new online co-parenting program designed to aid families raising children between multiple homes throughout the country. The 4-hour program includes videos, quizzes, and life applications which serves as an alternative for parents who are mandated to take a co-parenting class to obtain a final decree or for those that are seeking to increase positive communication and parenting skills.
The new program is in response to growing county demand for assistance in aiding families as well as with their own budget limitations. As a free resource available to the counties, the option for parents to attend online classes has been gaining popularity throughout the country. Many times, parents who are required to attend classes are constrained by factors such as resource limitations, time, scheduling and training costs. In response to these challenges, ChildSharing.com chose to create the co-parenting class to ensure that the transition between families is smooth and successful.
As an award winning website, ChildSharing.com is continually working with counties that want to move towards online solutions," said Hector Libs, Director of Professional Services. "Our continued outstanding customer service and support as the education market matures, makes this new program easier for counties and families to make the move to ChildSharing.com."
Michelle Muncy, ChildSharing, Inc.’s Marketing Director, commented, “Given ChildSharing.com’s evolving content to meet the demands of the counties, we have successfully developed the new co-parenting program to be a scalable model of this concept while still keeping it visually pleasing. The program is both informative and accessible—a combination that is all too rare in our complex, increasingly technology-driven learning environment. Our hope is that we are able to provide education to parents, at an affordable price who may not have otherwise received it.”
The new program is available immediately on www.ChildSharing.com.
Founded in 2008, ChildSharing, Inc. is dedicated to advancing the field of child-sharing as a means of better educating families faced with raising children between multiple homes. Guided by a strong development team, ChildSharing works with experts throughout the United States to provide its members with the most comprehensive information and resources for educating and raising children between multiple homes. For more information about ChildSharing, Inc and its team of experts, visit http://www.ChildSharing.com.
Media interested in setting up an interview with ChildSharing, Inc. representatives regarding the online program should contact Lori Lavigne in the development planning office (805-354-1139 or lori@ChildSharing.com).
ChildSharing Expands Parent Education Classes Throughout Marion, FL Seminole, FL and Plymouth, WA county
Per County Request, Court Mandated Online Co-Parenting Classes Are Now Available to Family Courts Across the Country.
March 23, 2010 San Luis Obispo, CA – ChildSharing.com announced the availability of a new online co-parenting program designed to aid families raising children between multiple homes throughout the country. The 4-hour program includes videos, quizzes, and life applications which serves as an alternative for parents who are mandated to take a co-parenting class to obtain a final decree or for those that are seeking to increase positive communication and parenting skills.
The new program is in response to growing county demand for assistance in aiding families as well as with their own budget limitations. As a free resource available to the counties, the option for parents to attend online classes has been gaining popularity throughout the country. Many times, parents who are required to attend classes are constrained by factors such as resource limitations, time, scheduling and training costs. In response to these challenges, ChildSharing.com chose to create the co-parenting class to ensure that the transition between families is smooth and successful.
As an award winning website, ChildSharing.com is continually working with counties that want to move towards online solutions," said Hector Libs, Director of Professional Services. "Our continued outstanding customer service and support as the education market matures, makes this new program easier for counties and families to make the move to ChildSharing.com."
Michelle Muncy, ChildSharing, Inc.’s Marketing Director, commented, “Given ChildSharing.com’s evolving content to meet the demands of the counties, we have successfully developed the new co-parenting program to be a scalable model of this concept while still keeping it visually pleasing. The program is both informative and accessible—a combination that is all too rare in our complex, increasingly technology-driven learning environment. Our hope is that we are able to provide education to parents, at an affordable price who may not have otherwise received it.”
The new program is available immediately on www.ChildSharing.com.
Founded in 2008, ChildSharing, Inc. is dedicated to advancing the field of child-sharing as a means of better educating families faced with raising children between multiple homes. Guided by a strong development team, ChildSharing works with experts throughout the United States to provide its members with the most comprehensive information and resources for educating and raising children between multiple homes. For more information about ChildSharing, Inc and its team of experts, visit http://www.ChildSharing.com.
Media interested in setting up an interview with ChildSharing, Inc. representatives regarding the online program should contact Lori Lavigne in the development planning office (805-354-1139 or lori@ChildSharing.com).
March 23, 2010 San Luis Obispo, CA – ChildSharing.com announced the availability of a new online co-parenting program designed to aid families raising children between multiple homes throughout the country. The 4-hour program includes videos, quizzes, and life applications which serves as an alternative for parents who are mandated to take a co-parenting class to obtain a final decree or for those that are seeking to increase positive communication and parenting skills.
The new program is in response to growing county demand for assistance in aiding families as well as with their own budget limitations. As a free resource available to the counties, the option for parents to attend online classes has been gaining popularity throughout the country. Many times, parents who are required to attend classes are constrained by factors such as resource limitations, time, scheduling and training costs. In response to these challenges, ChildSharing.com chose to create the co-parenting class to ensure that the transition between families is smooth and successful.
As an award winning website, ChildSharing.com is continually working with counties that want to move towards online solutions," said Hector Libs, Director of Professional Services. "Our continued outstanding customer service and support as the education market matures, makes this new program easier for counties and families to make the move to ChildSharing.com."
Michelle Muncy, ChildSharing, Inc.’s Marketing Director, commented, “Given ChildSharing.com’s evolving content to meet the demands of the counties, we have successfully developed the new co-parenting program to be a scalable model of this concept while still keeping it visually pleasing. The program is both informative and accessible—a combination that is all too rare in our complex, increasingly technology-driven learning environment. Our hope is that we are able to provide education to parents, at an affordable price who may not have otherwise received it.”
The new program is available immediately on www.ChildSharing.com.
Founded in 2008, ChildSharing, Inc. is dedicated to advancing the field of child-sharing as a means of better educating families faced with raising children between multiple homes. Guided by a strong development team, ChildSharing works with experts throughout the United States to provide its members with the most comprehensive information and resources for educating and raising children between multiple homes. For more information about ChildSharing, Inc and its team of experts, visit http://www.ChildSharing.com.
Media interested in setting up an interview with ChildSharing, Inc. representatives regarding the online program should contact Lori Lavigne in the development planning office (805-354-1139 or lori@ChildSharing.com).
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