ChildSharing

Thanksgiving doesn't have to be perfect to be perfect

2011-11-21T10:55:00.001-08:00

"It's especially important during the holidays to remember that aiming for a PERFECT holiday ritual is actually a bad goal. Not only is perfection impossible and striving for it adds stress, but honestly, the holidays families remember most fondly are those when the dog ate the cake, or everybody got the flu on Thanksgiving. Play it loose, have a sense of humor..." -- Meg Cox

Are you trying to figure out how to get everything done this week? Or how to go beyond delicious food and family time (or mere gluttony!) to add some meaning and gratitude in between courses? I'm the first to trumpet the benefit to our kids -- and ourselves -- of rituals, and of learning the habit of gratitude. And you'll find plenty of ideas on the Aha! website to add meaning and Aha! moments to your family's Thanksgiving.

But my plea to you this week is to remember that perfection is not attainable, but something better is. Yes, you guessed it. Love. (Been reading these posts, huh? I'm honored.)

As Charles Henderson says, "Thanksgiving involves an act of the will. It's not a question of pretending that everything is bright and beautiful when you know its not. To give thanks is to stand up in the face of the storm and declare that life is worth living."

So maybe perfection isn't the goal. Maybe what's perfect is finding what's meaningful, what makes life worth living. Which might be another word for gratitude.

You know those moments when pandemonium reigns, and your kids are spinning out of control, and your difficult relative is acting, well, difficult, and you have to choose between those visions of a storybook Thanksgiving versus grabbing your kids and getting them outside for some old fashioned fresh air before everyone loses their mind? There's not really a choice. Give up on perfection and go for love.

Storybook holidays are limited to storybooks. Real parents get reality parenting, complete with cranky kids, messy kitchens, and store-bought pie. But extraordinary moments often masquerade as ordinary life. So look around the pandemonium and remind yourself to be grateful for every minute you get to spend with your children as they grow. For me, there's no gratitude deeper than that.
Dr. Laura Markham

Does a Child's Gender Correlate With the Divorce Rate? This Study Says Yes!

2011-10-26T14:23:00.001-07:00

A recent study shows that parents are somewhat more likely to get divorced -- if their first child is a girl! So says an article written by veteran newspaper editor and reporter Don Moore, recently retired from the Port Charlotte, FL Sun-Herald. He talks about a report produced by Dr. Enrico Moretti, an economics professor at the University of California, Berkeley and Dr. Gordon Dahl, professor of economics at the University of California, San Diego.

Their report, "The Demand for Sons," appeared in a recent edition of "The Review of Economic Studies." Your divorce rate increases approximately four percent if you have a daughter as a first child instead of a son," Moretti says.

"We did compare families who had two daughters with families that had two sons. What we discovered was that a couple with two daughters is more likely to have a third child trying to have a son," Moretti explained.

The professor said he didn't believe there is any difference between races, but it's hard to compare divorce rates across races.

He also added that, "Women whose first child is a boy are four percent more likely to remain married than those whose first child is a girl. In general, the better the woman's education, the later the fertility, the lower the divorce rate."

The 50-page study on gender and divorce also found that a first-born daughter is significantly less likely to be living with their father compared to a first-born son.

The three reasons for this conclusion include:

1. Women who have daughters first are less likely to be married.
2. Parents with first born daughters are more likely to be divorced.
3. Fathers are more likely to obtain custody of a son than a daughter.

"The effect is quantitatively substantial, accounting for a 3.1 percent lower probability of a resident father for families with a first-born girl. We estimate that in any given year (in the U.S.) roughly 52,000 first-born daughters under the age of 12 would have had a resident father if they had been boys," the report says.

The article says there are other statistical differences caused by families with first-born daughters. These families have lower incomes and higher poverty rates. "For children in families with an absentee father due to the first-born daughter effect, family income is reduced by 50 percent and the chances of poverty are increased by 34 percent. Notably, children whose first-born sibling is a girl have lower educational achievement," the study indicates.

Professor Alan Booth, a professor of sociology, human development and demography at Pennsylvania State University, generally agreed with most of Moretti's and Dahl's findings. "I know this to be true. Families that have a boy as a first child are more likely to stay together than if their first child is a female," Professor Booth said. "Gender bias in the U.S. favors boys."

According to Dr. Booth, one of the reasons married couples prefer boys in the U.S. is that when they grow up they are more likely to make more money than girls. Another factor affecting economics is that couples whose first two children are girls are more likely to have a third child than if they have two boys.

This may come as a surprise to many of us who thought that gender bias on this level was unlikely in America. Dr. Booth does go on to say, "More recently the gender preference in the U.S. is beginning to be more positive for girls. This is because there are more women in the labor force today, women are more independent today than they once were, and women's attitudes are less traditional and there are also other factors involved."

I don't know if any of these statistics are relevant to the divorces of any of my readers. But I thought I'd share this as a point for conversation and introspection. Would your marital circumstances be any different today had your children been of a different gender? Would your relationship have been different? What about your financial circumstances? Something to contemplate.

As always, I welcome your feedback.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca,CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! which can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Her free articles and ezine are available at www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Copyright Rosalind Sedacca 2009

ChildSharing Introduces its Newest Course: Anger Management for Co-Parents

2011-10-20T21:44:00.000-07:00

ChildSharing, Inc. is pleased to announce the release of their newest course, Anger Management for Co-Parents. This 8-hour program is designed to help divorced or separated parents manage their anger while coping with divorce and parenting issues. It is available for parents who are court-mandated to take the course as well as for those who want to access the material for their own benefit.
The new on-line class is easy to read and comprehend. It includes video segments that illuminate typical challenges co-parents face during and after a divorce. Topics included range from understanding the effect of anger on others to learning alternative communication skills to how to handle anger more productively. Every segment provides advice, tips, resources and skills that are immediately usable offered in a non-judgmental, compassionate format followed by insightful quizzes at the end of each chapter.
The course is self-paced and can be broken down into sections that are completed at the attendee’s convenience. After passing the multiple choice questions in the Final Exam, a completion certificate will be issued and also sent to the court.
The Anger Management for Co-Parents class was created by licensed mental health counselor Amy Sherman, LMHC and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT on behalf of ChildSharing.
ChildSharing.com launched in late 2008 and provides interactive co-parenting classes, family law information as well as county-specific details to provide families with the knowledge and resources they need as they transition through divorce into their new lives.
Michelle Muncy, ChildSharing, Inc.’s President, says “We are proud to be launching this newest ChildSharing course at this time. Courts around the nation have requesting this material from us and we know it will be a valuable resource for enhancing co-parenting success for many families. This course is another cost effective and efficient solution to meeting the growing need for court-mandated parent education requirements.”
ChildSharing, Inc. is rapidly gaining attention throughout the country because of its innovative approach to disseminating divorce-related content. ChildSharing provides economic relief to the demand on county resources so they may provide education to parents who may not have otherwise received it. The entire program is built for the counties, at no cost to them, to integrate and offer to their residents.
Parents interested in accessing the course will find it at http://www.childsharing.com. The 8-hour on-line class costs $159.99.
About ChildSharing, Inc.
Founded in 2008, ChildSharing, Inc. is dedicated to advancing the field of child-sharing as a means of better educating families faced with divorce. Guided by a strong development team, ChildSharing works with experts throughout the United States to provide its members with the most comprehensive information and other resources for educating families in transition. For more information about ChildSharing, Inc. and its team of experts, visit http://www.ChildSharing.com.
Media interested in scheduling an interview with ChildSharing, Inc. representatives regarding the new Anger Management course should contact Michelle Muncy at michelle@childsharing.com or 805-550-3663. Rosalind Sedacca can be reached at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com and Amy Sherman can be reached at amybethsherman@gmail.com.

Advice for Co-Parents and Single Parents After Divorce

2011-09-21T15:50:00.001-07:00

Advice for Co-Parents and Single Parents After Divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

A friend of mine, Nancy Michaels, a women I respect in many ways, shared a personal story in one of her blog posts:
At the lowest period in my life about three years ago, after a painful separation from my husband, a life-threatening illness, custody loss of my children, and having to return to my parents' home for them to take care of me - my father said this on a particularly bad day, "Nancy, the only thing you have to do today is get better. Don't worry about anything else."

As simple as those two sentences are, it was exactly what I needed to hear and I started feeling grateful that that truly was my one and only responsibility. If I got better, the rest would fall in place. Thankfully, it has, Dad.

I know Nancy is not alone. There are days - yes, weeks and months - when life can seem awfully low. Often overbearing. The weight can seem just too much to carry. Life changes related to divorce frequently play a part in these circumstances. And when you're a parent at the same time ... well, you know how it feels!

Just know, as well, that you're not alone. Parenting is tough for everyone, even under the best of circumstances. Parenting through and beyond divorce takes enormous focus and a continuous need for compassion, both for yourself and your children. If you take it day by day, you will find the strength and even the wisdom to make decisions that tap into your innate wisdom and love for your children.

But it's also essential to parent and nurture yourself at the same time. Take a tip from the airlines when they instruct you to put your oxygen mask on first before providing oxygen to your children. You need to be alert and functioning well before you can make decisions on behalf of the children who matter so deeply to you.

So get the help you need to recharge, de-stress and unwind from time to time. Share your frustrations with a caring friend or a compassionate counselor who specializes in divorce issues. Join a support group for divorced Moms or Dads. Reach out to churches or other spiritual resources that empower you. Treat yourself to a massage, concert, evening out, weekend away from the kids or other activity that energizes your psyche.

Don't suffer or brood alone. We all need help, support and encouragement from an outside source that we respect. We can't always give it to ourselves - but we can and must let others know when we need a shoulder to cry on, a babysitter for an occasional indulgence or a team of reinforcement when the burden of moving on feels too heavy.

And keep my friend Nancy's advice in mind. Sometimes all you need is to take care of yourself for a day - and you'll have the clearer perspective you need to make sound decisions on behalf of your children. Whether you're a divorced co-parent or single parent, remember your first obligation is to parent yourself with loving compassion. Your family will thank you!

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, coaching, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Divorce Poll Results for Boomers Shows Need for Coping & Communication Skills

2011-09-15T12:10:00.001-07:00

Divorce Poll Results for Boomers Shows Need for Coping & Communication Skills
A first-of-its-kind national poll to determine if a consensus exists about how divorced baby boomers are holding up was conducted by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center].

Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.
1.　 What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2.　 What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3.　 What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?
　　
Results: Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).
The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people's lives.
Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:
• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.
While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own" and "not growing old with my husband."
While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."　

Methodology
During May 2009 the poll was available to both men and women baby boomers on National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center](TM) websites. To achieve maximum participation the poll was also published on: Menopauserus.com , WrightMinded.com, Wise Heart Coaching, Cyber Hot Flash, the National Association of Baby Boomer Women , Kalon Women, and sent to more than 30　 experts from the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.
About National Association of Divorce for Women and Children　The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization.　Through her network and ezine questions about divorce and parenting issues are discussed and sound advice is provided to assist families moving through the divorce maze. To learn more, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
　
　

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

A Smart Parenting Plan Your Best Asset When Parenting After Divorce.

2011-09-07T12:34:00.001-07:00

A Smart Parenting Plan Your Best Asset When Parenting After Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Parenting plans are becoming more and more recognized as the way for both parents to coordinate their parenting, their lives and their relationship with their children after divorce.
In its simplest form a parenting plan puts in writing the agreed upon schedule both parents have created regarding most all parenting arrangements. It outlines the days, times and other details of when, where and how each parent will be with the children along with other agreements both parents will follow in the months and years to come
The purpose of the plans is to determine strategies that are in the children's best interest to create smooth, easy and positive transitions. These plans encourage cooperative co-parenting so that the children feel secure, loved, wanted and nurtured by both of their parents.
Plans can vary in depth and scope. Often they include guidelines for routine residential arrangements as well as special occasions, including holidays, birthday and vacation time.Emergency information, decision-making guidelines, processes for sharing information, relocation procedures and means for resolving disputes can also be spelled out to minimize future conflict and provide consistency for the children.

While parenting plans make excellent tools for the family, keep them flexible so that their purpose doesn't get lost in a maze of too rigid rules. Allow for some fluctuation and reassessments as the family ages and also experiences the day-to-day realities of their living arrangements.

No plan can compensate for irresponsible or negligent parenting. Make sure the time you spend with your children is rewarding for them and reinforces the caring, supportive messages you want your children to remember. Don't try to substitute gifts or excursions for the quality parenting time they value and crave.

Parenting after divorce is all about reassurance, safety and security. Allow your children an adjustment period at the beginning and end of visits as they transition from one home to the other. This is not easy to do for adults. Think of what it must be like for children - regardless of their age.

Be sensitive about how and when to introduce your children to your new adult friends, especially dating partners. Children are very possessive of both parents. They need to feel very secure in your love for them before they can accept another parent figure in their lives. Take your time in this regard. Think before you take steps you will regret.

Whenever possible create a sense of consistency between both homes. Children fare best when Mom and Dad agree on basic parenting issues and don't contradict one another from home to home. If you do have differing rules, talk to your children about the differences, explain your own parenting style, and don't put down their other parent - even if you don't agree with their values. Your children will learn to adapt to differences in their parents if you don't make a big deal about those issues.
Never forget that you will be a parent to your children for the rest of your life - and so will their other parent. Keep that perspective and focus on ways to collaborate and join forces whenever possible. Your children will be the winners in the long term.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
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All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca 2009

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Does a Child's Gender Affect the Divorce Rate? This Study Says Yes!

2011-08-24T12:07:00.001-07:00

Does a Child's Gender Affect the Divorce Rate? This Study Says Yes!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

A recent study shows that parents are somewhat more likely to get divorced -- if their first child is a girl! So says an article written by veteran newspaper editor and reporter Don Moore, recently retired from the Port Charlotte, FL Sun-Herald. He talks about a report produced by Dr. Enrico Moretti, an economics professor at the University of California, Berkeley and Dr. Gordon Dahl, professor of economics at the University of California, San Diego.

Their report, "The Demand for Sons," appeared in a recent edition of "The Review of Economic Studies." Your divorce rate increases approximately four percent if you have a daughter as a first child instead of a son," Moretti says.

"We did compare families who had two daughters with families that had two sons. What we discovered was that a couple with two daughters is more likely to have a third child trying to have a son," Moretti explained.

The professor said he didn't believe there is any difference between races, but it's hard to compare divorce rates across races.

He also added that, "Women whose first child is a boy are four percent more likely to remain married than those whose first child is a girl. In general, the better the woman's education, the later the fertility, the lower the divorce rate."

The 50-page study on gender and divorce also found that a first-born daughter is significantly less likely to be living with their father compared to a first-born son.

The three reasons for this conclusion include:

1. Women who have daughters first are less likely to be married.
2. Parents with first born daughters are more likely to be divorced.
3. Fathers are more likely to obtain custody of a son than a daughter.

"The effect is quantitatively substantial, accounting for a 3.1 percent lower probability of a resident father for families with a first-born girl. We estimate that in any given year (in the U.S.) roughly 52,000 first-born daughters under the age of 12 would have had a resident father if they had been boys," the report says.

The article says there are other statistical differences caused by families with first-born daughters. These families have lower incomes and higher poverty rates. "For children in families with an absentee father due to the first-born daughter effect, family income is reduced by 50 percent and the chances of poverty are increased by 34 percent. Notably, children whose first-born sibling is a girl have lower educational achievement," the study indicates.

Professor Alan Booth, a professor of sociology, human development and demography at Pennsylvania State University, generally agreed with most of Moretti's and Dahl's findings. "I know this to be true. Families that have a boy as a first child are more likely to stay together than if their first child is a female," Professor Booth said. "Gender bias in the U.S. favors boys."

According to Dr. Booth, one of the reasons married couples prefer boys in the U.S. is that when they grow up they are more likely to make more money than girls. Another factor affecting economics is that couples whose first two children are girls are more likely to have a third child than if they have two boys.

This may come as a surprise to many of us who thought that gender bias on this level was unlikely in America. Dr. Booth does go on to say, "More recently the gender preference in the U.S. is beginning to be more positive for girls. This is because there are more women in the labor force today, women are more independent today than they once were, and women's attitudes are less traditional and there are also other factors involved."

I don't know if any of these statistics are relevant to the divorces of any of my readers. But I thought I'd share this as a point for conversation and introspection. Would your marital circumstances be any different today had your children been of a different gender? Would your relationship have been different? What about your financial circumstances? Something to contemplate.

As always, I welcome your feedback.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca,CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! which can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Her free articles and ezine are available at www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Copyright Rosalind Sedacca 2009

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Forgiveness can be a valuable gift in your Divorce

2011-08-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness can be a valuable gift in your Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

One of the consequences of a difficult divorce is being left with negative emotions about the experience. Many people struggle with long-term anger, bitterness, revenge and/or rage following a divorce that they either can't, or choose not to release.

Are you angry or bitter because you feel wronged by your former spouse? Do you feel a need to get revenge - or hurt them back? Do you hold grudges? Is the joy in your life affected by carrying the burden of these emotions? Are you suffering from any health issues that just don't seem to go away?

In a Union Tribune article titled, "The Healing Power of Forgiveness," Sandi Dolbee writes, "Researchers are studying the health benefits of forgiveness and generally define it as the process of letting go of the pain, anger and resentment caused by an offense."

"People who learn to forgive seem to have fewer cardiovascular problems and stress-related ailments, and generally feel happier than those still holding a grudge."

"The journal of Mental Health, Religion and Culture reported that people who forgave had decreased odds of depression -- women more so than men. Another study published this year found that men generally have a harder time forgiving than women."

"Forgiving does not mean excusing, forgetting or pretending that an offense never occurred. Instead, it is about letting go of the bitter, grudging, vengeful feelings."

"Not being able to forgive elevates stress and tension, and that affects the immune system. There have been many studies that say our mental health affects our physical health."

Today is a good day for you to explore the positive effect forgiveness can have in your life. Is your mental and physical health being hampered by holding on to anger, resentment and other negative emotions? Are you tired of harboring the weight of this constant burden? Would it be easier for you - and much better for your children -- to forgive, knowing that your health and life are at risk?

Remember, we don't forgive for the sake of the other person. We forgive for our own selves. It's a gift we give to our self because we deserve more peace, joy and happiness in our daily experiences. If you need help in seeing or understanding the "Gift" of forgiveness, contact a counselor, divorce coach or member of the clergy to talk about your challenges in confidence. You won't regret it.

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles, resources and free ezine, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Peaceful Divorce Tips for Caring Parents

2011-08-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

Peaceful Divorce Tips for Caring Parents
Krista Barth, Esq., a colleague in the campaign to make divorce more peaceful, has provided this valuable message about how to create and maintain a peaceful divorce when you are a parent.
As a divorce attorney who has been through it myself, a peaceful divorce starts when people do the following:
1. Accept the part you each played in the failure of the marriage (even if the only fault was "picking the wrong partner for your needs.")
2. Lower your expectations of each other; after all, if your spouse didn't do certain things WHILE you were married, don't expect it now. You will only be disappointed and frustrated.
3. Remember, once upon a time you loved this person. What was it you loved? Especially when there are children involved, let whatever you loved the most be your mantra when speaking of your spouse. No exceptions to this rule, as children have big ears. As my mother would say, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!
4. Don't let the lawyers create unnecessary hostility. You are the one who controls the process. How you handle your divorce and treat your spouse and children will have long-lasting ramifications. Do you want to sit on the same side of the room when your child gets married?
5. Find happiness, move on and allow your spouse to do the same. As for new spouses, remember children don't suffer from too many people loving them and you would rather have the new spouse/partner in the game than watching from the sidelines. Family is what you make of it. It takes a village, as they say.
6. Remember your priorities. Love your children more than you dislike your spouse and act accordingly.
7. Remember litigation is a luxury, not a necessity. Fighting is expensive. Letters back and forth over what little Johnny had for lunch are a waste of resources. The money you spend could pay for something really important like your children's education instead of a new car for your lawyer!
8. Realize no one knows your children better than you and your spouse. Do you really want a stranger deciding their future and yours? It is the biggest gamble you will ever take.
9. Choose your battles; there will be disagreements, just as if you were still together. Talk them out and realize communication is important even though you are not together anymore, maybe more so.
10. Remember, life is short, how much of it do you want to spend rehashing the past. Forgive each other and you will have a (mostly) peaceful divorce. I do!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Single Parent Dating After Divorce: Myths versus Reality

2011-08-03T12:06:00.001-07:00

Single Parent Dating After Divorce: Myths versus Reality
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW is a Certified Stepfamily Coach and a Licensed Relationship Coach who is the founder of The Step and Blended Family Institute. Whether you are currently dating after divorce, or just contemplating what that might look like at some point in the future, this is a good article to read and heed.
The challenges of dating when you already have children are countless. The myths that couples experience in step dating are also not unlike the ones experienced in step families. And therefore having good information, fact not fiction, about what you can and should expect, is even more important.
Instead of the couple enjoying the luxury of concentrating solely on each other, they have to nurture their new relationship while balancing time with kids who may be transitioning between households. They have to figure out the relationship dynamics with the kids, and be aware of the multiple missteps and pitfalls that can derail the new dating relationship.
And most importantly, they have to understand that the success and sustainability of a new dating relationship is dependent on having realistic expectations, being flexible as the relationship evolves, being proactive about the challenges and understanding myth expectations versus reality.
Some of the Common Myths that Impact on Single Parents Dating are:
1. Myth Expectation: We should love each other's children as much as we love each other. And/or we should love our partner's children as we would our own.
Reality: Just because dating single parents develop a close and loving relationship, it doesn't mean that they will instantly or ever love each other's children. Relationships take time and when kids are less than impressed when a parent starts to date, this can slow the process of becoming close and connected. Over time, as friendship and trust grow, a deeper relationship may develop between a partner and the kids, but understand it can't be manufactured just because the parents have great chemistry. Love for the kids may follow and when it does it's a huge bonus, but it should not be a condition for the adult relationship. In lieu of love, dating partners, can care for the well-being of their partner's children, and have respect for what is in their best interests. This creates a much more solid foundation for the success of the relationship and the well-being of the children involved, than the perceived need for love.
2. Myth Expectation: We'll be one big happy family, like the Brady Bunch, if we spend a lot of time together.
Reality: Kids need time to adjust to a new dating relationship and the worst thing is to throw them immediately or constantly into the mix. They may feel insecure, displaced or even threatened by the loss of time and attention because of a new love interest, so it's important to spend time alone with them and maintain the security of consistency around their schedule at home. Slowly introduce a new partner and gradually spend time together, being aware of the child's comfort level. There are distinct stages of development in transitioning into a new relationship and they are different for everyone; kids especially need to move slowly. Remember, they are not usually on the same emotional time table as the couple is.
3. Myth Expectation: We need to be equal partners in co-parenting our kids.
Reality: The biological parent has the singular job of disciplining and the dating partner should act only as a friend, assuming the role of coach or mentor. It's acceptable to emotionally support a dating partner in their parenting role, but taking an active part in disciplining a partner's kids is guaranteed to inspire resistance in the child, and ultimately resentment between dating partners. It should be avoided at all costs. The issue of children and discipline should be discussed early on so there is no confusion about who is in the parental role. Most often people don't talk about these issues and just hope things will go well; but this is a recipe for disaster and can create even more confusion for the child(ren) involved.
4. Myth Expectation: Our deep love for each other and devotion to the relationship will take care of any challenges we come up against.
Reality: Single parents dating with kids in the mix face a multitude of challenges on many different levels. Although it's romantic to believe that problems and issues will work themselves out because of the power of love, the reality is the more informed couples are, the more prepared they will be to deal with inevitable hiccups. Being aware of issues, understanding the reality of myths, knowing what to anticipate and how to take action is a more effective relationship insurance policy than depending solely on the magic of love. Love is undeniably an important aspect of any relationship, but awareness, acceptance, commitment and the willingness to take the time necessary to get to know each other and to begin to appreciate what is required in a relationship that involves children, are absolutely critical ingredients for success.
The dating myths that single parents and singles face when children are in the mix, are but one aspect of dating after divorce. Having a reality check goes a long way towards debunking these and other myths and is an important first step in establishing more realistic expectations for your step dating relationships. As two people vision how they see things evolving over time and set realistic and developmentally appropriate expectations, they will be taking the first steps in creating happy, healthy and sustainable relationships that are good for everyone involved.
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Yvonne Kelly coaches step dating couples with children, offers Remarriage Preparation and coaches existing stepfamilies to achieve success. To learn more about how to safeguard your step go to: http://www.stepinstitute.ca
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more details, her free ezine, articles, coaching services and other resources visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Divorce Recovery: Beware Your Expectations

2011-07-29T13:38:00.001-07:00

Divorce Recovery: Beware Your Expectations
Divorce Coach Shelley Stile of Coaching for Change/Divorce Recovery for Women is my guest contributor this week. While her article comes from a female perspective, don't let that keep you from getting the message regardless of your gender. Women as well as men disappoint us as exes and also fall into the quagmire of unrealistic expectations. You can reach Shelley at: www.changecoachshelley.com.
In a nutshell, expectations are premeditated resentments and disappointments. They are self-sabotaging beliefs we hold that literally set us up to feel bad and keep us stuck in the pain of our divorce. They are in direct conflict with how the world actually works and are based on the phrase, 'should be'. In order to let go of the pain of our divorce, we must let go of impossible expectations.
What exactly is an impossible expectation? How about: I expect my ex to treat me with respect. I expect that my ex will be totally fair as regards our financial settlement. I expect my ex to feel regret for his bad behavior. I expect my ex to have trouble moving on after our divorce. I expect my ex to support me emotionally. I expect my ex to be a great Father to our kids.
Life rarely goes according to plan. Life has its ups and downs, its joys and sorrows. Life is never all one particular way: always good or always bad. The nature of existence is that life is chaotic, that it is in a continual state of change, that we cannot predict what will come next and there are no guarantees. That's just a start. Life isn't necessarily fair. We cannot control the outer world. The list of what life is goes on and on. The problem that arises is when we create expectations about life that are virtually impossible or unenforceable.
Let's take a close look at a particular situation in order to experience the truth of this fact. Sara is separated and getting divorced. Her husband left saying that he was not happy. After the fact she discovered that he was also having an affair, something he initially denied. Sara is having trouble because her ex continues to lie. Sara's impossible expectation is that her ex stops lying. She also expects for him to come clean about everything he has done. She expects for him to be on time for visiting the children, something by the way he couldn't manage even when they were married. As a result of her ex not living up to her expectations, she is continually angry, frustrated, resentful and disappointed.
The problem of course is that her expectations are impossible or unenforceable. Her husband lies and she has no control over that fact. That is just what he does and to expect him to become Mr. Truth overnight is totally unrealistic...virtually an impossible expectation. She also wants him to come clean and fess up, something that is not part of his character. Again, an unenforceable or impossible expectation. Suddenly, she expects her ex to be on time for the kids, something he has proven over and over again that he does not do. Is it a wonder that Sara is miserable? She is in a constant state of disappointment and resentment.
Sara cannot control her ex. She has a set of impossible or unenforceable expectation she is living under and they are the crux of her misery. She cannot change her ex or transform his character. Sara can control her expectations. She can identify where she is setting herself up by exposing all the impossible expectations she has surrounding her ex and seeing how they cause her great pain. Once she has identified these expectations, she can move forward by acknowledging that they are indeed impossible and not under her control. She also needs to remind herself of the real laws of the universe.
Namely: Life isn't necessarily fair. Life has its ups and down, its joys and sorrow. Life involves suffering. Life is unpredictable. Life doesn't always go according to plan. Sometimes people do bad things (and sometimes they do good things!) There is much in life over which we have no control. It is not so much what happens to us in life but rather how we choose to handle what life throws our way!
If you are using the phrase 'should be', then you know you are living with unrealistic, impossible or unenforceable expectations. Should be's always point to a fantasy world. We reject what is and expect what we feel should be. My ex shouldn't lie. Except of course he does. My ex should be emotionally supportive. Except of course he isn't. You get the picture. We can continue to resist what is or accept the truth. It ultimately comes down to a choice. As a human being, choice is our most powerful asset.
Choosing to let go of impossible expectations is choosing to let go of blame, resentment, disappointment, anger, frustration, disillusionment and regret. Choosing to accept what is versus what should be is living in the truth and the truth will give you the freedom to re-create your life.
I suggest that you make a list of all of the impossible or unenforceable expectations that you have. Notice when you become upset: see what expectation might be operating. Notice when you are working under should be's. By setting down these expectations in writing, we can begin to identify where we need to change our points of view.
Next make a list of the real laws of the universe so that you can begin to drop unrealistic expectations. What do you know to be true of life? Are there any guarantees? Is everything always a bowl of cherries? In other word, get real!
I guarantee that your self-imposed impossible expectations are a major source of your inability to let go of the pain of your divorce and move forward. This concept does not just apply to divorce recovery. It applies to all of life. Visualize a little child stamping their foot and exclaiming, "But that isn't fair!" Don't be that child.
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Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar facilitator, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book helps parents create a unique personal family storybook that uses fill-in-the-blank templates to guide them through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information, free articles, child-centered divorce resources and Rosalind's free ezine, visit to http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Blended Families: 7 Sure-fire Tips for Long-Term Success

2011-07-20T12:20:00.001-07:00

Blended Families: 7 Sure-fire Tips for Long-Term Success
Respected author Carolyn Ellis has some sound advice for parents tackling the challenges of being part of a blended family. Take it to heart!
Blended families are becoming a reality for more people every year. Did you know that one in three Americans is part of a blended family, either as a step-parent, step-child or step-sibling? What kind of blended family will you have?
Here are 7 sure-fire ways to undermine your blended family and tips to get you back on track.
1. Ask a Parent to Choose Between Children and a New Spouse
There's a lot of truth to the saying "blood is thicker than water." Too often I hear of step-parents experiencing jealousy or feeling threatened by the children of their new partner. New step-parents need to realize that a parent needs time and space to love and nurture the relationship with his or her children.
Tip: Love is an abundant natural resource and there is enough love for both you and his or her children.
2. Start the Turf Wars
Some step-parents try to win favor by overcompensating and bending over backwards to please everyone. Sometimes the overly eager-to-be-accepted step-mom may step on the toes of the biological mother, which can set up a turf war that nobody ends up winning.
Tip: Be respectful of yourself and others. You can build strong relationships with your partner's children on your own merits by being who you are.
3. Suffer in Silence and Nurse a Grudge
The dynamics of a step-family are incredibly complex, with all kinds of conflicting loyalties. Suffering in silence or nursing grudges adds to the complications. If you want a blended family that respects, understands, and ultimately loves one another, you'll have to speak up and be heard.
Tip: Communicate, communicate, communicate. Ask for what you want. Ask constructive questions and invite dialogue with other members of your blended family, including the children and ex-spouse as needed.
4. Don't Take It Personally
Expect children, and even former spouses and new spouses, to test boundaries and limits of the new blended family. Stress management expert Tim O'Brien recommends the QTIP technique - Quit Taking It Personally. Don't look at other people's behavior as a judgment about yourself.
Tip: Take a deep breath, count to ten and ask yourself, "Is this really my issue?"
5. Use Different Strokes for Different Folks
When each spouse brings children from previous relationships into one blended family, but with radically different discipline and house rules, watch out! The charges of favoritism and unfairness will start pretty quickly. Some amount of consistency will help the new family to gel.
Tip: Identify how discipline and chores will be handled and by whom, ideally before you start living together. Ongoing communication and review is important.
6. Expect To Be the Brady Bunch
Wouldn't it be interesting to see the prequel of the Brady Bunch and hear the discussions and issues they faced before they merged so happily? Put aside the fantasy that if someone loves you, they are going to automatically love your children and vice versa. Relationships are always works in progress and have to be built over time.
Tip: Create a big picture of what you'd like your blended family to look and feel like. Make your day-to-day choices based on what will move you towards that vision.
7. Don't Have a Game Plan
Crossing your fingers and hoping that everything "will work out for the best" is a slippery slope. Take some leadership and decide what your role will be. Do you see yourself as a trusted advisor, third parent, or a detached observer? What role does your new spouse want you to play?
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Tip: Realize that blended families are playing in a whole new ballpark than the traditional, nuclear family. Create some agreements on the roles and responsibilities people in this new family system will have. Expect to fine-tune it on a regular basis.
Author and spiritual divorce coach, Carolyn B. Ellis, founded Thrive After Divorce, Inc. to help separated and divorced individuals improve relationships, increase self-confidence and save time and heartache. She is the award-winning author of the best-selling The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive After Divorce. To read a FREE chapter of her Parenting after Divorce 101 ebook that contains simple, life-changing tips for single parenting, visit http://www.parentingafterdivorce101.com.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love. For her free articles, blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Boynton Beach author offers free divorce resources through July for parents

2011-07-18T12:55:00.000-07:00

Boynton Beach author offers free divorce resources through July for parents
July 15, 2011|By Jaclyn Rosansky, Sun Sentinel
In 1995, local author Rosalind Sedacca was worried about how to tell her young son about her impending divorce. She came up with a way to smooth his transition: a scrapbook explaining the divorce thoughtfully.
After realizing there should be a template or model for how to tell children about divorce, she wrote a homemade storybook and made it downloadable so parents could customize it with photos and personal information.
"How Do I tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create a Storybook Guide to Preparing your Children — with Love!" uses two age-appropriate, fill-in-the-blank templates for parents to use when breaking the news.
Her now-adult son wrote the introduction.
She is offering her special divorce advice and more for free for in July, which is National Child-Centered Divorce month. She applied five years ago to Chase's Calendar of Events, a resource for creating special days, weeks and months, to make July a special time for parents to think about the impact divorce can have on children. The process took several months to finalize.
She also created the Child-Centered Divorce Network as a support and resource center for parents to handle divorce the "right way."
Sedacca, who lives in Boynton Beach, is a relationship coach, professional speaker and holds a bachelor's degree in communications.
"All couples should ask themselves this question," Sedacca said. "Do I love my children more than I hate my ex?"
Answering this question reminds parents to remain civil and ensure their children are first priority, she said.
Another expert, Ron LaSorsa, offers advice for couples with children and whose marriages are broken. He grew up around divorce and experienced it as an adult, and founded the Kids Come First Coalition so that professionals and individuals could talk and makes suggestions for telling kids about divorce.
"The traditional divorce process has a negative impact on children," LaSorsa said.
Some mistakes parents often make include: making the child a messenger between parents, having the child make divorce decisions, alienating the child and telling a child adult information such as if one parent is an alcoholic.
Older children especially, Sedacca said, are affected the most because they often develop resentment and anger that result from divorce.
Parents should constantly tell the child it is not their fault for the divorce, make them feel loved and use co-parenting skills.
"The problem is not divorce," Sedacca said, "It's how divorce is handled."
For access to free divorce resources online for the rest of the month, visit childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce, Sedacca's website at childcentereddivorce.com or contact Sedacca for more information at rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com. LaSorsa can be reached at kidscomefirstcoalition@gmail.com and his website is divorcecures.com.

A Warning for Divorced Parents with Teens: Keep Dads Actively Parenting

2011-07-13T12:07:00.000-07:00

A Warning for Divorced Parents with Teens: Keep Dads Actively Parenting
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I have several divorced friends and colleagues with teenagers who are displaying disturbing behavior problems. These teens, especially the boys, are acting out in all the ways parents pray they never have to experience: drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd, school problems, disrespectful and inconsiderate behavior -- you get the idea.
While each of these teens have parents who are divorced, there's more to it than just that. Their biological fathers are not playing a strong role in their lives. And their mothers do not have a positive relationship with their "wasband."
Does this mean that all children of divorce whose fathers are not actively in their lives will grow up to be troubled teens? Of course not. But there is a strong correlation between a father's influence and a child's - especially a son's -- sense of positive self-esteem and responsible behavior.
We all know it's tough to be a teen. The challenges are enormous and the influences toward negative and anti-social behaviors are substantial within our culture. When you add the absence of a strong father figure to the mix, many young men just can't overcome the lack of emotional support in their lives. They are more vulnerable to the temptations of acting out and going astray.
Co-parenting after divorce is never easy, nor are there simple answers for creating a smooth transition post-divorce into the parenting arena. However there are pitfalls we can all strive to avoid and warning signs that lead to potential problems that every divorced parent should keep in mind.
Dads: Stay in your kids' lives as a parent, not a playmate. Take responsibility for talking to your teens on a regular basis about key issues, especially what it means to be a responsible young adult, how to treat parents, teachers and siblings respectfully and goals to aspire toward for a successful future.
Moms: Honor your teen's relationship with their biological Dad - even if a Step-Father or other male relationship partners are in the picture. Let their Dad actively parent them and be a model for healthy, responsible behavior. Don't be a wedge between father and son/daughter or put down their father in their presence. You are laying the foundation for bringing into society a young adult who matures with compassion for others and high self-esteem.
Parents: The key to parenting successfully after a divorce is maturity. Make decisions about your sons and daughters from the place of a caring, loving parent, not a vengeful former spouse. Don't take out your frustrations with your ex on your children. Overlook the minor and petty annoyances and focus on the big picture -- raising confident, empathic, considerate and loving children.
When an issue comes along that pushes your buttons, ask yourself this question: How would I respond to this parenting dilemma if I wasn't divorced? Then focus on the right answer for the well-being of your children ... as a parent - not just a divorced parent.
The rewards you derive in the years to come will more than offset the frustrations and inconveniences that inevitably are part of post-divorce co-parenting. Aren't your children worth it?
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Cooperative Co-parenting - Keys to Making It Work

2011-07-06T12:34:00.001-07:00

Cooperative Co-parenting - Keys to Making It Work

By Rosalind Sedacca
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry tells us that children of divorce do best when both of their parents continue to be actively involved in their lives. It's the ongoing connection that makes the positive difference for these children, minimizing the fact that their parents no longer live together.
That's why co-parenting is so universally encouraged after divorce as a significant way to reduce the long-term emotional impact on children. Co-parenting styles and arrangements can differ widely from family to family to suit their individual needs. However, most all professionals agree that co-parenting will only succeed if some basic agreements are made and kept and significant mistakes are avoided. Here are some good rules to follow:
1. Don't deny your child personal time with both of their parents.
If you want your child to weather the challenges that come with divorce and disruption of the family dynamic, allow him/her as much time as possible with both you and your ex. Your child will thank you, have fewer behavioral problems, and grow up happier and emotionally healthier when you honor their love for both of their parents.
2. Don't argue or have tantrums around your child.
Be a positive role model for your child by exhibiting mature behavior. If you have issues, gripes or reason for angry words with your co-parent, plan a private time alone, far from your child's eyes and ears, for those conversations. The consequences when you do otherwise will be significant and long-lasting.
3. Don't make your child your confident - or friend!
It's hard enough for adults to unravel the complex emotions connected to divorce. Think of how unfair it is to expect your child to bear those burdens on your behalf. You rob your kids of their childhood when you confide or share your feelings about your ex with them - especially when you're trying to influence them in your direction. Need to rant and vent about your ex? Do it with a friend - or better yet, a professional with an objective ear.
4. Don't make your child the messenger.
When you have issues to discuss, discuss them directly, not through your children. Not only can the kids mess up the messages, they can also intentionally change the messages due to guilt, anxiety, fear, resentment and other emotions related to protecting one or both parents. This is a big no-no that can lead to no good.
5. Don't think like a sole parent; you're part of a parenting team.
When you were married you were one of two parents. You still are. When parenting issues come up, ask yourself what would I do as a parent if I weren't divorced? If that still makes sense, respond accordingly. You're a parent first and a divorcee second. Parents who continue parenting as a team create an easier transition and better post-divorce adjustments for their child.
6. Don't be rigid - flexibility is fruitful.
Every time you bend, go with the flow, compromise and cooperate with your co-parent you model the kind of behaviors that benefit both of you in the long-term. Flexibility reduces defensiveness and builds bridges toward better parenting solutions. Remember, every time you forgive and indulge irritating behavior without creating an issue, you are doing it to make life easier for your child. Isn't he or she worth it?
7. Don't exclude the other parent whenever you have a choice.
Even when you are the primary residential parent that doesn't mean your ex can't be included in special occasion celebrations, school activities, sports and other events in your child's life. Think about how pleased your child will be having both Mom and Dad on hand to enjoy significant moments in their life. When it makes sense for both parents to be together on behalf of your child, be cordial and mature. This lifts an enormous weight off your child's shoulders. They'll thank you when they are grown.
Sometimes it helps to think about co-parenting as a business relationship that has to work. You make accommodations on behalf of your partner for the higher cause of business success. This can be a valuable perspective for co-parents after divorce. When you put all your efforts into making it work, your children reap the rewards. Isn't that a bottom line result worth your commitment and attention?
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! She is also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles, free ezine and other parenting resources, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Shared Parenting After Divorce - Sharing Clothes, Toys and Information

2011-06-29T12:37:00.000-07:00

Shared Parenting After Divorce - Sharing Clothes, Toys and Information
Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center in Colorado has some valuable advice to share with all Moms and Dads who want to co-parent successfully. Give her advice your attention and you'll nip potential conflicts in the bud.
As you are preparing your parenting plan, it is very helpful if you include some details about how you will share clothes, toys, and information for the children as they transition from one house to the other. This is usually something that parents think will just happen automatically, without any particular discussion, but it often doesn't. By taking a little time to discuss these issues and plan for them during the initial process, you can avoid disagreement and conflict down the road.
Clothes
Regardless of how much time the children are with each parent, it is very helpful if each parent keeps clothes for the children in their own house. As you are separating property in the beginning, include children's clothes for each household. How many outfits each household needs will depend on the parenting schedule you are thinking about. Even if you aren't sure of the schedule as you are initially dividing property, try to allow for at least three outfits for each household, if possible.
If the children's wardrobe is not big enough to be able to set aside clothes for each household, divide the clothes you do have and then each parent can shop for more new or used clothes for their respective household. This system works well for the children because it allows them to have familiar clothes at each house, making them feel more at home in each place.
When the parents have clothes for the children at their own houses, they are much more aware of the children's growing needs. Both parents will know when the children outgrow their clothes and shoes and can replace them accordingly. This awareness can help avoid arguments over child support and the cost of clothes.
Having clothes in each household also helps avoid arguments over clothes not being returned or being returned dirty. How exactly the clothes will be handled for each transition will depend upon the days and times of the exchange.
Toys
After separation and divorce, children often complain that there is nothing much to do at the house where they spend less time. When the children's time is spent fairly evenly at each house, the parents seem to do a better job of providing toys, books, toiletries, and incidentals for the children. As children's time at one house becomes significantly less than 50/50, the parent with less time sometimes overlooks the importance of keeping these everyday items for the children.
Everyone likes to have familiar things around. For children this is especially important to their sense of belonging and comfort. Whether the children are in your home half the time or only a few days a month, keeping toys, games and other things for them will help them feel at home. If you're not sure what they'd like, try making an activity out of gathering these things together. Thrift stores can be great places for these "treasure hunts".
Information
There are many ways people exchange information about the children after separation. The fact that you give some thought and discussion to this issue is more important than the actual methods you decide work best for you.
Before email, blogs, and the internet were prevalent, parents would often include a notebook in the children's backpack or suitcase to transport back and forth between houses. Although this is better than having no way to share information it is not preferred. Communication between parents should not be the children's responsibility. Even though the children are not actually the messengers between parents with the use of a notebook, they still bear the burden of being the delivery person.
The old notebook idea can be updated to take advantage of today's technology. The parents can share information about what's going on with the children and school without giving the children the responsibility of carrying the information back and forth.
Consider scheduling regular email exchanges to share information about the children, school, and activities. To keep email from becoming intrusive, talk about the schedule that will work best for you and try to stick to that schedule. You can use text messaging instead of email, but people sometimes have a harder time setting limits for themselves using text messaging than using email.
You might also consider using a private blog to keep a running dialogue about the children. Several blog sites are free and easy to set up. You can set up the blog to be private so only you parents have access to read and author the blog. This is like the notebook in the backpack, but the parents are fully responsible for keeping track of the blog, relieving the children of that extra burden.
Including in your parenting plan how you will share clothes, toys, and information after separation will help ease the children's fears and concerns as they move between homes. They will appreciate the thought you put into this and will love not having to lug a backpack or suitcase with them.
© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Child-Centered Divorce: Children Parenting their Parents

2011-06-22T12:30:00.001-07:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Divorce is tough enough. When children try to protect their parents from its consequences, the parenting is moving backwards and the results are devastating. Always be careful of what you share with your children regarding your own emotional state during and after your divorce. It can create enormous confusion for your children, along with guilt, frustration and despair.

Children who experience their parents divorce are helpless to change the circumstances. But they often try. They want to do something to "fix" the situation, but they haven't a clue how. Sometimes they create solutions that make sense in their young minds, but actually cause greater complications. That's why it's so important for parents to take the emotional burden off of the shoulders of their children. Reassure them that Mom and Dad are still their parents and will continue to be there for them with compassion and love. Tell them they need not worry ... and remind them that none of this is in any way their fault or responsibility.

Children can be very resourceful in how they behave when they sense either one of their parents is vulnerable or hurting. Often they will side with one parent over the other as a means of support. They may fear that expressing happiness about time spent with one parent can seem like a betrayal of the other. They worry about hurting the feelings of the emotionally weaker parent - or experiencing the disapproval of the emotionally stronger parent. Either way, it's a lose/lose situation for the child who feels caught in the middle.

Parents are not always aware of how children interpret their comments or emotional displays. If a parent confides to a child that they are very lonely when he or she is with their other parent, it frequently creates a need to "protect" the sad parent. So the child may elaborate on the truth by telling you what they think you want to hear. "I miss you too. I wish I could always be with you. If I didn't have to stay with Mom/Dad I'd never be there."

These small white lies can grow into larger stories - even outrageous lies - with the intent of protecting one or both parents. It can also become a vehicle for pitting both parents against one another. Children easily sense when they can manipulate their circumstances - and their emotionally vulnerable parents. This becomes even easier and more tempting when the parents are not speaking to one another or co-parenting cooperatively. The result can be devastating for everyone in the family - each pointing the finger at the other in blame.

When parents are too caught up in their own self-righteous dramas to put their children's needs first, those children have little recourse but to start parenting themselves. The consequences for the children can take many directions: a sense of mistrust of adults, guilt about knowing they are exploiting their circumstances and deep insecurity because their world is no longer safely guided by parental boundaries. The responsibility here must always fall upon the parents - not the innocent children who are trying to cope with an adult-made situation beyond their control.

Communication is the key to avoiding these complex backward parenting situations. Talk to your children about divorce-related issues as a parent, not a confident. Remember that your former spouse is also a parent that your children love. If your communication with that parent is poor or limited, you are setting your children up for compensating in any way they can - with guilt, frustration, confusion, shame, anger - even revenge -- as the motive.

When you accept responsibility for creating a Child-Centered Divorce and co-parent in the best way for your children's well-being, they will feel more secure, stable, loved, protected and supported. That gives them permission to continue being children without bearing the burden of having to parent their parents after divorce.

Do you want your divorce to rob your children of their right to enjoy their childhood? Of course not! Then understand the serious consequences of backward parenting and communicate mindfully and responsibly when discussing divorce or related family issues with the children you love.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Parenting After Divorce: Three Questions Crucial to Your Success

2011-06-15T13:37:00.000-07:00

Parenting After Divorce: Three Questions Crucial to Your Success
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Michael Matracci, Esq. is one of the "good guy" collaborative divorce attorneys who avidly supports the concept and principles of Child-Centered Divorce. He is the author of a new book, Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations, which can be found at his website at www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com.
Recently I interviewed Michael, who is a divorced parent himself. He shared with me a valuable technique he uses when dealing with parenting issues with his former spouse. I loved the concept and am passing it along to other parents who face continuous challenges, month after month, year after year, as they raise their children following a divorce.
Michael asks himself three basic questions that get to the heart of what a child-centered divorce is about: doing the very best for your children. When a parenting issue arises that he and his former spouse have to face, before he takes any action he first answers these questions:
1. If we were two "normal" married parents, what would I do?
2. If we were still married, would this issue really be a big deal?
3. Is this about our child - or more about ME and HER/HIM?
These questions put you in the right perspective for taking wise and effective action. They help you to detach from the emotional "drama" of your divorce. Have you been caught up in your "story" about being a victim, abused, hurt, angry, jealous or exploited by your former spouse? By questioning your motives you can remind yourself that parenting issues are not about YOU; they are about what's in the best interest of the children you love.
That can mean sacrificing some ego gratification, biting your tongue when you want to be sarcastic, being more tolerant of an ex who sees things differently regarding discipline, rules and other parenting choices. At the same time, it can also bring you into closer alignment with your children's other parent which will help you to determine the best outcomes for your children together as their parents.
Most important of all, these questions will remind you that when it comes to parenting decision, always take the high road. Be the "mature" parent who puts their children's needs first. That's always the answer you are looking for - and one that you will never regret.
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For other free articles on Child-Centered Divorce, a free ezine, valuable resources for parents, coaching and other services, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All Rights Reserved

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Commensurate Consequences

2011-06-15T09:05:00.000-07:00

The weight of consequences for misbehavior always needs to be commensurate to the intent behind that behavior.

A teen who periodically comes home fifteen minutes late is probably displaying immaturity and impulsiveness, not rebellion. That teen needs more reminders and perhaps an earlier curfew. On the other hand, a teen who consistently comes home late with the attitude, “No one is telling me what to do!” needs to experience stronger consequences. That’s when taking away car privileges or grounding him would be appropriate.

It’s important for parents to differentiate between willful and accidental disobedience and assign consequences appropriately. Consequences can correct behavior, but basing them on the wrong intent can lead to more serious problems.
©2011 Mark Gregston www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Discipline and Teenagers

2011-06-10T12:06:00.001-07:00

A few years ago my mother said, “You know, you boys weren’t disciplined a whole lot growing up.” I looked at my brother and he looked at me. For a brief moment we wondered if Alzheimer’s was setting in. That’s sure not the way we remember it!

Now I’m not saying we didn’t deserve it…in fact we probably deserved more than we got. But while there was indeed discipline, the style of discipline that we received from our father made it less effective than it could have been. His style was to simply whack us when we got out of line. Along with it came a lot of anger and yelling, and the whole family got upset.

As was common when I was growing up, Dad approached discipline like he was taught in the military. His militaristic approach was not just with discipline but with parenting in general. He didn’t dare talk back to his drill sergeant, nor should we dare to talk back to him — or say anything. His drill sergeant hadn’t been concerned about his feelings, so why should he consider ours? He was a good man who worked hard to provide for his family. But his military training also shaped his style of parenting and discipline.

Today, parents are much more relational, and that’s mostly a good thing; however, when it comes to discipline, relational parenting can pose some obstacles if discipline is set aside. It’s hard to discipline someone who looks at you through tear-filled eyes and says, “I love you. How could you do this to me?” But for kids, if breaking a rule doesn’t have consequences that hurt worse than the pleasure they gained from it, they’ll likely continue that behavior.

Teens today both need and actually desire discipline (although most of them would rather die than admit it). Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful; later on however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” In other words, your kids will someday appreciate that you held the line, and more so if you did it in a way that maintained your relationship. And they’ll end up passing down to their kids (your grandkids) the right way to discipline. So, let me answer some basic questions about discipline and hopefully give you a better grasp on it, particularly when it comes to disciplining teens.

What is the purpose of discipline?

Discipline is helping your child get to a place where they want to be and keeping them from a place where they don’t want to end up. Sometimes we struggle with discipline because we lose sight of that underlying purpose. If your child understands that you are disciplining them for their own good, they will ultimately understand. They won’t like the consequences, and may get upset with you temporarily, but they will come to realize that they are bringing the consequences upon themselves, and that’s when their behavior changes.

I’m very upfront with the young people I work with at Heartlight about our rules and how things are going to be done. I know going in that most of these teens are not happy to be living with us in our residential program. So, from the very first day I strive to build a relationship—to let them know that everything that happens is for them, not for me. If I can convince them that the rules and punishments are in their best interests and for their own good, we’re a long way down the road to success. And to offset any thought that discipline is a quick and easy solution for us, our policy is that if the teen has to do extra chores or is grounded to the house, the staff are there right with them, shoulder to shoulder. It is as inconvenient and painful for us as it is for them. We use it as a time to build relationship, and we find that the kids often open up and deal with some issues in their life even as they are being disciplined.

Why do some parents punish in anger?

Kids want most of all to have a good relationship with their parents, so parents can get the wrong idea to use that as a means of punishment, but it is never advised. I’ve seen it firsthand when I was growing up. My father would correct us boys by blowing his top. Again, Dad was a good man, but his discipline in many ways was selfish. He felt better after exploding because he had a chance to get over his frustration, but because it was done in anger, it didn’t serve the purpose of helping me get to where I needed to go. It just taught me to avoid him and never get caught.

It is never effective to use negative emotions, to make idle threats, or to hold your relationship hostage as a means of changing your child’s behavior. I’ve learned it works best to try to do just the opposite with the teens I work with. I make light of their error and I use it as an opportunity to talk. It breaks the tension and they learn that their error doesn’t affect our relationship; but they also learn pretty quickly that I never back down on the consequences, no matter how much they bargain, shift blame or plead.

So, keep the anger out of your discipline. If you are harried or upset and cannot deal with a problem without anger at the moment, ask your spouse to deal with it; or tell your teen that you will talk about the consequences for their behavior at a later appointed time (then don’t forget to keep that appointment).

What do I do if I’m afraid to discipline my child?

This is really two different questions. First, if you’re afraid to discipline because you’re afraid of losing your relationship, let me encourage you—you won’t. Proper discipline won’t destroy a relationship, it will strengthen it. Here’s a piece of counsel I often give to parents: “They’ll get over it.” I’m not saying they will like the discipline process (nor should they), but they will not be driven away by it as long as it is fair, reasonable and expected.

On the other hand if you’re afraid to discipline because you’re afraid of your child or what they may do, I suggest you get outside help immediately. Do not allow your child to physically or emotionally intimidate or abuse you…ever. Backing down due to a teenager’s intimidation is teaching the exact wrong lesson, and it sets them up for failure in life and other relationships. If things get physical or threatening, something is seriously wrong. Sometimes it can be a sign that either drugs or alcohol is involved. If the threats take the form of a child claiming they’ll commit suicide, take it seriously and get them admitted to the hospital. If they threaten to run away, there’s ultimately not much you can do about that, so backing down will only cause them to use that as their intimidation again and again. A child should never be allowed to intimidate or threaten a parent.

How should I view pain in the context of discipline?

Pain is very difficult to experience, and it is also very difficult to impose on someone else. But pain plays a vital role in forcing someone to re-evaluate their conduct. As I’ve said, “Your child will continue on the path of inappropriate behavior until the pain of those actions is greater than the pain they get from them.” You have to attach consequences to that behavior so that they realize it isn’t the path to where they want to go. Of course I’m not talking about physical pain (not for teenagers), but there needs to be painful consequences tied to wrongful conduct, such as losing freedoms or privileges for a specified time, and adding chores.

What would other parents tell you about discipline, if they could do their parenting over?

Probably the number one error I hear from parents of teens who are spinning out of control is simply this: “I failed to follow through.” If you threaten consequences but don’t deliver, not only are you effectively lying to your child, but you are giving them the worst of both worlds. You may think you are building a relationship that way—to let them off the hook—but in reality you are tearing it down. They will lose respect for you, and they’ll fail to learn a critical lesson as well. In a world that has fewer borders than ever before, teens long for the stability and structure that enforced rules provide for their lives.

God has called us as parents to play a crucial role in the lives of our children. There are many wonderful and happy times in that process, and some difficult ones as well. If I could leave you with one last word of advice, I’d encourage you to view the discipline process as a vital investment rather than an unpleasant event to be avoided if possible. If done right and without anger, it can build relationship, not tear it down. Develop and communicate your rules and consequences so your teen knows what to expect, and then make them stick, without wavering. You—and your child—will be eternally glad you did.

We talked about this issue in-depth on our radio program last week called “Teens and Discipline.” To listen online, look for the program dated June 4, 2011 at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com.

Help Kids Express Their Feelings Before and After Your Divorce

2011-06-08T12:33:00.001-07:00

Help Kids Express Their Feelings Before and After Your Divorce

This is a valuable article for parents written by Len Stauffenger. While you may already be familiar with many of these strategies for promoting a Child-Centered Divorce, there may be a few you have not yet implemented. The age of your child and nature of your relationship with them will obviously dictate which approaches are best within your family. If you find yourself especially successful using any of these techniques, do contact me so I can share what you discovered with our other readers. Best wishes! Rosalind.

You've gotten a divorce. It might feel like the end of the world for you, but you do have all the years of your life where you learned a few coping skills to lean back on. Your children don't have those years of experience, and your divorce may be seen as one huge trauma by them. Life isn't as they have experienced it. One of their parents is gone from their daily life.

They will eventually learn to cope, and here are some tips for you to use immediately to help them get their feelings outside of their minds so the coping can begin.

1. Initiate Play With Them. Children love to play and in their games, they can be encouraged via your questions to tell you how they are feeling. Be considerate and accepting. Don't try to audit or correct their words. Just listen.

2. Do Artwork Together. If you provide your child with crayons, paper, paste and other materials, you can do an art project with the theme: Mommy and Daddy's Divorce and (child's name) Role in It. Ask gentle questions and listen up for their answers. Frequently their feeling is hiding behind their words.

3. Talk About It. This works best for older children. You can ask a very leading open-ended question - one that cannot be answered by Yes or No - and then let the child do the talking. You listen and ask more questions. Don't interject your opinion unless he asks a specific question only you can answer.

4. Read Books Together. Find books appropriate for your child's age about divorce and ask questions about his feelings as you read the book together.

5. Name Your Own Feelings. Your child might not know yet how to express the feeling that he is feeling about your divorce. You can share how it makes you feel and this way, he'll learn to identify his own feelings.

6. Good and Bad Ways To Deal With Feelings. Find family-type magazines and look through them together with your child to discuss the pictures that exemplify feelings. Point them out to him and ask if he's ever felt that way about your divorce.

7. Write A Story Together. Allow him to tell the story as he does for sharings at school. He dictates. You write, with mouth zipped. Just write. Later you can go back and ask questions about the feelings he talked about. You can ask where he felt the feeling in his body and how did it feel there?

8. Create a Puppet Show. You can each play a role, but let him choose which role he wants to play. That alone could tell you a lot. You be the other parent and ask questions about his feelings as you play.

9. Make A Scrapbook About the Divorce. This is a bit dramatic, but it just might be effective for some children. You can sit and watch as he does it, or you can just be in the same room for emotional support. When he's done, say "Tell me about your drawing." Ask feeling questions when he tells you about it.

10. Show Empathy for his plight. Children have lost a lot of control because their parents decided to divorce. You can tell him you realize he might not have made the same decision. If you offer him choices about daily doings once the divorce decision has been made, you can help him regain a sense of control.

11. Physical Activity. This is a great way to let kids run off pent up emotions. Physical activity will allow them to get rid of any tension they might be feeling and once that's let go of, they will be much better able to cope with the next thing that lands in their laps.

12. Provide Continuity. Divorce is an enormous change for a child and children don't like change. If you can keep his room the same; mealtime the same; household routine the same; homework time the same - whatever you can do to maintain continuity, it will help your child unfold his coping skills and handle his emotions so much better.

Your children come first and they are worth every effort you can make for their best regard. They will learn soon enough that your divorce is not the end of the world for them and that you've made every effort to provide the best for them.
* * *
In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

5th Natl Child-Centered Divorce Month recognized in July

2011-06-06T10:31:00.000-07:00

The fifth annual recognition of National Child-Centered Divorce Month will take place in July throughout North America. The month is dedicated to alerting parents and the media about how we can minimize the negative effects of divorce on children.

Professionals who share these concerns, including therapists, attorneys, mediators, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and others will be joining forces to share their advice and insights The resounding message to divorcing parents is: Regardless of your own emotional state, it is essential to put your children's needs first when making decisions related to divorce or separation.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce

A Child's Perspective on Surviving their Parent's Divorce

2011-06-02T11:05:00.001-07:00

A Child's Perspective on Surviving their Parent's Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Max Sindell is a young man in his early twenties who has written a book for children titled, The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents' Divorce. Sindell was six when his parents divorced.

Over the next many years he experienced a wide array of significant divorce issues that affect so many families. These include coping with his parents' arguments with and about one another, adjusting to travel between homes, remarriage, stepsiblings and juggling holidays and other special events. He wrote the book to help children identify their "voice" about all these issues. He also wants to show children ways to find the good that can come through and from divorce.
"The book is really supposed to be a quick handbook for making the most out of divorce and making it so that it's the least of your problems," Sindell says.
Sindell uses his own life lessons to walk children through the "downsides" of divorce, and focuses on ways to best handle them. In his chapter titled, "The Good News and the Bed News," he says "I'd honestly say that my parents' divorce is one of the best things to ever happen to me in my entire life: That's the good news." "On the other hand, divorce can make you wake up one morning realizing how much everything sucks," he also adds.

Other topics he discusses include: "You Are Never Going to Have One Home Again" and "Your Parents Are Going to Fight." But within each discussion he also provides positive observations, such as learning how to travel at a young age and developing more independence.
Within the book Sindell offers his personal Bill of Rights for divorced children. These are worth discussing with your children. It reminds them that they are not alone in what they are going through. And is empowers them to learn that they deserve and are entitled to "rights" as they move through and beyond the divorce. Let me share the first five with you, which Sindell says children should actually require to be part of their parents' divorce agreement.
THE DIVORCED KIDS' BILL OF RIGHTS
(Excerpt from The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents' Divorce)
I. The Right to Be Safe and Feel Safe - A child should feel safe and secure. If there ever is a time you don't feel safe, tell your parents, and if you can't tell them, tell a counselor or tell a friend. This is your most important right.

II. The Right to Awareness - Every child has a right to know what is going on. Your parents should not lie to you or hide the truth from you about anything to do with you. While some things should remain private between your parents until you are older, if they're having a discussion about your schedule, you have the right to know and to make your voice heard.

III. The Right to Counseling - Divorce can make you feel like you don't have a say and don't make a difference, and that's exactly where a counselor comes in. A counselor should be someone whom you can talk to privately, without your parents there, and who can help you with your situation.
School counselors are not the only people you can talk to. Adult friends of the family who are unbiased, or the parents of good friends of yours, are also good people to talk to.

IV. The Right to Be Heard - Sometimes, when your parents are trying to sort out what they think is best for you, they can forget to listen to the most important person: You! If you can't get them to listen to you by yourself, it's important to have someone -- a counselor or a friend -- talk for you.

V. The Right to Be Your Own Person - Before your parents were divorced, there was you, your mom, your dad, and the other people in your family. The same is true now. Your parents have to respect your right to feel the way you feel. In dealing with stepparents, or the people your parents are dating, your rights stand. You must tell both your parents and their friends when any boundaries are crossed. If those boundaries are crossed in a major way, and you don't feel safe, tell a counselor.

Put yourself in your child's shoes and give these Rights some serious consideration before making any further decisions affecting your children. Talk to your children about what this means. It might open the door to some very meaningful conversations about topics you've never before discussed. Empowered children are happier children -- less resentful and less likely to act out to get your attention. Isn't that what you really want?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

ChildSharing, Inc. is growing…additional location, new classes, and increase in sales.

2011-06-01T14:16:00.000-07:00

ChildSharing Inc. is an online provider offering co-parenting classes, a host of resource tools for parents, and aid to family courts around the country in an effort to better equip families as they deal with issues related to raising children between multiple homes.

San Luis Obispo, CA – ChildSharing, Inc is growing in all aspects of business: expanding offices, adding new classes, and strengthening relationships with customers and counties thru their marketing programs. All of this growth and expansion has resulted in a 30% annual growth rate since inception. Michelle Muncy, Marketing Planner, believes the growth is a result of outstanding customer service and class offerings, “We read our survey results and constantly update our classes to reflect changes in the county family court system in regards to parenting and divorce which adds to our viability.” reflects Michelle Muncy, “Our classes are totally online, timed, and feature interactive programs (videos, quizzes, exams). We offer extended customer service, discounts and classes for free to indigent persons.
The office and staff has grown fourfold with locations in California, Colorado, a corporate office headquartered in Nevada, and now the new Atlanta, Georgia, office.“ChildSharing, Inc. is thrilled to be in Atlanta. With our growing success among counties across the United States, it was an easy decision to open up an office in the East Coast,” states Hector Libs, Director of Professional Services. “The expansion of our business will enable ChildSharing, Inc. to remain on the cutting edge of our industry delving into other market areas while maintaining our reputation for stellar customer service.”
The new programs are expanded six and eight hour versions of the original programs, “Parenting During Divorce-The Challenge of Change” and “Co-Parenting-Fundamentals of Raising Children Between Multiple Homes”. The programs includes videos, quizzes and life applications which serve as an alternative for parents who are mandated to take a parenting class to obtain a final decree or for those that are seeking to increase positive communication and parenting skills. The latest class added to this menagerie would be an anger management class, “Co-Parenting: Anger Management”. This brand new class deals with anger conflicts stemming from parenting issues. ChildSharing, Inc. offers all these classes in Spanish as well.

“Expanding these programs serves two main purposes,” explains Hector Libs, Director of Professional Services, “the expanded content delves deeper into crucial areas of parenting during divorce and co-parenting, and we are better able to serve the needs of our customers by allowing them to choose the program that best suits the court ordered requirements for the county they reside in.”
Founded in 2008, ChildSharing, Inc. is dedicated to advancing the field of child-sharing as a means of better educating families faced with raising children between two homes. Guided by a strong development team, ChildSharing, Inc. works with experts throughout the United States to provide its members with the most comprehensive information and resources for educating and raising children between multiple homes. For more information about ChildSharing, Inc and its team of experts, visit http://www.ChildSharing.com.

Marriage, Divorce and the Economy: No Excuse for Irresponsible Parenting

2011-05-25T12:45:00.000-07:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Is our down-turned economy having an effect on divorce in the United States and other nations around the world? While it's too early for statistical evidence, reports from marriage counselors and divorce attorneys around the globe are in agreement. They're finding many couples who were ready to call it quits are post-posting the divorce decision due to financial reasons. In the U.S., with housing values at near-record lows, wide-ranging cuts in salaries and a dramatic rise in unemployment rates, many couples are just not divorcing because they are afraid they can't afford it.

Does this mean couples are finding new ways to get along and reconsider their marriages? In some cases, yes, but for many it just means adapting to continued states of unhappiness and coping with disappointment and frustration. This, of course, does not bear well for the children of these unions. They experience the negative consequences of a distressed marriage whether the couple splits up or chooses to stay together because of economic factors.

While many couples are too financially dependent on one another to make a break, at the same time they have lost their emotional interdependence which helps a couple thrive during outside challenges. Without the affection and emotional connection, these couples are basically roommates sharing a home and living expenses.

The problem is that they are also parents of children who may be even more confused than ever about life at home. Mom and Dad are still married and together - but are they? This is a big concern for therapists, school guidance counselors, clergy and others who understand children's emotional and psychological needs during times of high stress.

In the past it was common for divorce rates to spike during times of financial insecurity. Back in the recession of 1997 the divorce rate rose close to 20%. However, economists note that during real tough times, such as the Great Depression in the early 1930s, divorce rates do decline because people can't afford the luxury of splitting into two separate homes.

There are no clear resolutions for today's economic crisis or for parents caught up in the whirlwind around the divorce decision. However, staying together in a marriage that continues in "form" only can be a damaging situation for the children. That's because those marriages often fail to focus on the emotional safety and security factors that children need in order to thrive, feel self- confident and express themselves.

Parents -- whatever you do, stop and ask yourself some fundamental questions before moving ahead whether in - or out - of the marriage:

• Despite economic stress are we taking the time to give our children the loving attention they deserve?
• Are we as parents providing a loving environment for our children - whether we share the same residence or two separate abodes?
• Are we providing the nurturing, values and personal time we want to instill in our children despite our own challenges as adults?
• Are we creating family time rituals with one or both parents so our children feel that we still are a "family" regardless of the form it takes?
• Should we be seeking outside professional help to make sure our children are feeling safe, secure, loved and peaceful in their home environment(s)?
• Are we being honest with our children about our circumstances without confiding adult details to them that would be confusing and burdensome for them at their age?
• Are we restraining from arguing, badmouthing each other, creating tension, bitterness, sarcasm or other negativity when the children are present?
• Are we reminding our children how much we love them and will continue to love them regardless of changes in where and how we live?

How you answer these questions will determine the quality of life your children experience - whether they are residing in one residence or two. Always remember, you are parents first - and a couple struggling with marital or divorce issues second. Isn't that the way it should be?
* * *

Rosalind Sedacca's Child-Centered Divorce Network provides numerous free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources for parents at www.childcentereddivorce.com, Her new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! is also available at www.howdoitellthekids.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

ChildSharing, Inc. Opens East Coast Office

2011-05-25T12:44:00.001-07:00

News Release

Contact: Lori Lavigne
T: 805.354.1139
F: 805.221.5710
www.ChildSharing.com ChildSharing, Inc.
204 West Spear Street.
Carson City, NV 89703
email: lori@ChildSharing.com

ChildSharing, Inc. Opens East Coast Office

ChildSharing Inc. is an online provider offering co-parenting classes, a host of resource tools for parents, and aid to family courts around the country in an effort to better equip families as they deal with issues related to raising children between multiple homes.

25 May 2010 Carson City, NV– ChildSharing, Inc. is pleased to announce the opening of a new office in the East Coast. The office is located in Atlanta, Georgia, and is currently open for business. “ChildSharing is thrilled to be in Atlanta. With our growing success among counties across the United States, it was an easy decision to open up an office in the East Coast,” states Hector Libs, Director of Professional Services. “The expansion of our business will enable ChildSharing, Inc. to remain on the cutting edge of our industry delving into other market areas while maintaining our reputation for stellar customer service.”
Founded in 2008, ChildSharing, Inc. is dedicated to advancing the field of child-sharing as a means of better educating families faced with raising children between two homes. Guided by a strong development team, ChildSharing works with experts throughout the United States to provide its members with the most comprehensive information and resources for educating and raising children between multiple homes. For more information about ChildSharing, Inc and its team of experts, visit http://www.ChildSharing.com.

The website and programs mentioned are available immediately on www.ChildSharing.com.
Media interested in setting up an interview with ChildSharing, Inc. representatives regarding the online program should contact Lori Lavigne in the development planning office (805-354-1139 or lori@ChildSharing.com).

How Your Sadness Affects Your Kids After the Divorce

2011-05-18T13:59:00.000-07:00

How Your Sadness Affects Your Kids After the Divorce
The following article was written by Alyssa Johnson, a remarriage and step family relationship coach. She focuses on an important area that all parents must be aware of - how your children perceive and interpret your feelings. Please heed her advice!
Divorce is one of the biggest life changes one can experience. Everyone's reactions to it are different all the way from mild to extreme. While it's important not to ignore those reactions, they also have to be balanced with all of the other life expectations that you have. Unfortunately, I see this lack of balance happen a lot. The most common expectation area to be dropped is parenting.
You don't stop parenting when you get a divorce. Yes, you may be grieving - but so are your children. Your entire life may have been turned upside down - but so has your children's. It's very common for children of divorce to misunderstand their parent's grief as rejection. They see their parents not functioning like they used to - not able to be there from them emotionally because emotionally they are hurting. Children usually are not sophisticated enough to understand the depths of feelings that their parents are experiencing. They easily get that you are sad, or angry or upset, but they don't understand how that may translate into not feeling like making dinner or having the patience to sit down and play a game.
Rather than making the connection - "Oh, dad's upset about the divorce" they tend to wonder, "Why isn't dad spending time with me anymore? What have I done?" While I know this is not your intention, it's important to be aware of this common misconception. There are a few ways of alleviating that though:
1. Be upfront with your kids - Tell them "Mommy's sad right now. You haven't done anything. I'm trying to feel better."
2. Try to do something - Maybe you're not up for going to the park to play, but could you just sit on the couch and cuddle with your kids?
3. Use time apart wisely - While strong emotions may be bubbling at the surface all the time, you don't have to express them every moment. If you need to cry, try to do the heaviest crying when the kids are not around you. If you need to rage, do this around adult friends when the kids aren't there.
4. Seek some support - If all of these suggestions still seem beyond you, I'd encourage you to look for a good counselor to help you through this grief process. Your kids need you. They may be hurting just as much as you.
Thank you Alyssa for sharing your wisdom on this sensitive topic. You can learn more about Alyssa Johnson at http://www.RemarriageSuccess.com and http://www.RemarriageCommunity.com.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© 2009 All rights reserve. Rosalind Sedacca

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Parenting Secret of the Week:

2011-05-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

From: Dr. Laura Markham [mailto:DrLauraMarkham=AhaParenting.com@mcsv22.net] On Behalf Of Dr. Laura Markham
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2011 7:12 PM
To: michelle@childsharing.com
Subject: Weekly Secrets of Happy Parents - May 16, 2011

Parenting Secret of the Week:
Help Your Child Discover His Passion
Enthusiasm. Engagement. It's almost the definition of childhood. A jaded withdrawn, child is a red flag that something is very wrong.

We all recognize that feeling of full engagement that gives meaning to our lives, when we apply ourselves so completely to the task at hand that we tap into all our resources and then some we never knew we had.
Abraham Maslow described these as “peak moments,” sports stars call it “being in the zone", zen masters express it as being fully present. Somehow, we bring ourselves so completely to the moment that we seem to step out of time, even out of ourselves. For all of us, it is when we are most fully alive.
Zen masters, of course, can experience this ecstatic state while doing the laundry or stirring the oatmeal, and such experiences, at least occasionally, are one of the many benefits of a regular meditation practice or athletic regimen. Small children actually live in this state much of the time.
Most humans, however, are more likely to experience peak moments while striving towards a goal. Dopamine, a highly pleasurable neurotransmitter released in the brain in response to alcohol, nicotine, marijuana, cocaine and other mood altering drugs, is naturally present in the brain when we wholeheartedly pursue a goal. Study after study exploring happiness indicates that humans are happiest when they are fully engaged in a challenging activity.
In our culture, the satisfaction and pleasure humans get from achieving goals has become warped by the emphasis on money and possessions. Although many of us continue to pursue more material things, including higher salaries, their attainment is less satisfying the more we have.
Unfortunately, this is true for kids as well. Studies show that affluent children are more likely to be bored, less enthusiastic, and less likely to report deriving pleasure from their activities.
Engagement is protective for children. Kids who are passionate about something -- basketball, chess, collecting comic books, playing the trumpet – tend to protect their passion. Smoking compromises the trumpet player’s wind, late nights carousing throw off the ball player’s game, and the serious student knows she wants her mind clear for tomorrow's test.
So how can we help our children to experience the rewards of full engagement?...(Keep reading...)

Ages & Stages: Preschoolers
Positive Parenting Your Preschooler
Ages three to five have been called The Wonder Years, and wondrous they are, ping-ponging from whining and tantrums to politeness to cuddling to exuberance to exploding intellect.
Preschoolers are explorers, scientists, artists. They're learning how to be friends, how to engage with the world, how to control their bodies, emotions and minds. With a little help from you, these years will build a fertile foundation for your son or daughter's entire childhood.
What your preschooler needs from you:
1. Structure. Regular routines help kids feel safe, and are vital for preschoolers, who grapple with big fears on a daily basis. The world is chaotic and scary to them; their household should be predictable. A calm, orderly and fun atmosphere, with regular meal and bedtime routines, will produce happier children who have the internal resources to meet daily developmental challenges.
2. Enough sleep. Preschoolers may resist bedtime, but without sufficient sleep, three to five year olds simply do not have the resourcefulness to cope with the demands of their day. Develop a regular routine that helps her wind down and start relaxing well before bedtime. When he gives up his nap, be sure he still gets some downtime to rest every day.
3. Control over her own food intake. Give them responsibility for how much they eat. Remember that most young children need frequent small meals, and if you don’t provide that, they’ll end up snacking all day. If you always provide a variety of healthy food, you can feel comfortable letting them choose which ones they eat and how much. Never set up a clean plate as the goal; instead, when they say they're done, ask them how their body feels. Obesity starts in preschool. If you're bothered by throwing the food away, buy a composter -- and ask yourself why not wasting food is more important than your child's future physical health and body image? Children don't starve themselves.....(continue reading)

Blog Post of the Week
Your Child's Action Plus Your Reaction = Outcome
"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom." -- Victor Frankl
"Dr. Laura -- Your emails on how mindfuless makes us better parents are useful, I admit. But I signed up for your email to help me change my kid's behavior, not mine!" -- Gerri

Mindfulness is not about changing anyone, it's about bringing our attention to our experience. But the magic of loving attention is that changes everything it touches -- us, and also our child. Because when we change our way of showing up with our kids, their behavior changes. Let me explain.
All parents would like to change their child's behavior at times. We want our kids to act responsible, considerate, cheerful. What are our choices?
A. Force them physically to do what we want.
B. Manipulate them emotionally to do what we want.
C. Set up the conditions of their life so they're more likely to do what we want.
D. Relate to them in a way that makes it more likely they'll do what we want.
Option A (Force them physically to do what we want) might change the behavior, and there are times when it's necessary, such as when we stop our child from running into the street or clobbering his little brother. But it only works while we're a lot stronger. Worse, it doesn't actually help our child develop into the person we're hoping he'll become.... which means maybe we're actually aiming to do something much tougher than changing our child's behavior. We want to help our child to develop into a certain kind of person -- a responsible, considerate, thoughtful, happy person. Research shows that kids who are physically forced into a desired behavior don't "own" that behavior.
Option B (Manipulate them emotionally to do what we want) can work for a lifetime to impact your child's behavior, as proven by the number of people who routinely use guilt to manipulate their grown children. But it doesn't raise the emotionally intelligent kid you're hoping for -- and it sabotages your relationship with your child. It's a powerful, but dangerous (and probably immoral) tool.
Option C (Set up the conditions of their life so they're more likely to do what we want) is extremely useful when kids are young. Baby-proof the house and your child won't break the valuables. Give her enough sleep and she's less likely to tantrum. Sit with her while she does her homework in elementary school and she's more likely to become a stellar student. But as kids get older and spend more time away from us, we have a lot less control over the conditions of their lives. So this tool is essential to help kids learn good habits, but it's not enough by itself.
Option D (Relate to them in a way that makes it more likely they'll do what we want) assumes that our relationship with our child is the most important factor in his or her development, which is what scientists now believe. Kids do what we want because they care about the relationship and because they don't want to disappoint us. Because they're more open to our guidance, they internalize all those good habits you're trying to teach and model. Research shows that kids who .... (Continue reading)

Parenting Question of the Week
Preschooler Jealous of Baby, Developing Attitude
My son will be 4 yrs old in July. I always give him choices on things so that he doesn't feel powerless but it doesn't seem to matter, he seems to want to argue with everything I say these days. He is VERY jealous of his 16 month old baby sister. He alternates between wanting to be nice to her to shoving her or yelling in her face for the littlest of things. He is also obsessed with taking away toys from her. I feel like all I do is tell him no. For instance the other day he shoved his sister down and she split her lip. He seems unconcerned whenever he is mean to her. I am worried he will really hurt her one day and not mean to. He told me today he wanted a different mom, which broke my heart. I do lose my temper and I do yell even though I know I shouldn't....I just can't seem to make him understand otherwise what he did was wrong if I don't yell.

I am so sorry to hear your little guy is having such a tough time -- and giving you and his sister such a tough time! It is not unusual to have a difficult adjustment to a new sibling, and he’s also at a challenging age. But most worrisome is his anger at you. He is not telling you that he wants a new mom because he is testing you. He is furious at you, and doesn’t know what to do with those feelings.

Look at it this way. He was your only child. You were the center of his universe. Enter the interloper, your darling little girl. He feels mortally wounded, heart-broken. He is in mourning with no words to express what he’s lost. What’s worse, he feels hateful toward his sister, and every time he expresses it he loses your love. He’s trapped in his tangled up angry emotions, which cause him to lash out. He feels terrible about himself for being so “evil.” And he feels your anger at him, your giving up on him. So not only is he bereft, but his doting mom has disappeared and been replaced by someone who yells at him. He may be expressing anger, but underneath, he’s heart-broken at the loss of your love and respect.

It's difficult to be three. Kids are trying hard to master all kinds of developmental tasks. Parents often crack down with too many rules and expectations. Three year olds desperately need their parents and want to please them, and are acutely sensitive to any lack of parental approval. They really can't bear it when they think you're finding fault with them, which is why they might tell you to shut up!.... (Continue reading)

Photo: Ana June Creative

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Quotes of the Week
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. -- Bacon Babble

"It’s no picnic reaching out to an angry child. But if you get busy defending yourself and straightening out the truth, you won’t be concentrating on your frightened child. She needs to tell you just how far away from you she feels before she can let you help her with her fears. Listening to passionately felt bitterness while you continue to offer your caring seems to be the fastest, most efficient way through the tangle. Remember, your child is frightened and sad inside, and wants to find some way to trust you again, so she can finally sob in your arms and feel your protection, your love for her." -- Patty Wipfler

"Temper tantrums are acts of desperation. They are not calculated efforts at manipulation. If your child is having temper tantrums, try to make yourself more available, not less available." – Martha Heineman Pieper

"Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label. Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients and to pull the weeds. You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom." -- Anonymous

"May we know when to surrender, and do so with grace. May we remember that some people's lives are parched dry... and be grateful for the abundance in ours. May we carry our loads with ease amid sweetness. May we learn and teach well. May we take exquisite care of ourselves. May we find life in new and exciting ways. May we come to the surface for air when we need it. And may everything that hurts us also be a little funny. -- Rabbi Brad Hirschfield

What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” – Pericles
________________________________________

Looking for that Aha! Moment to transform your child’s behavior, or maybe your own? Whether you're wondering how to handle a specific challenge, just figuring out your child-raising approach, or ready to tear your hair out, Aha! Parenting can help. Dr. Laura Markham is only a phone call away.

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Positive Parenting Your Terrible, Terrific Toddler
So your precious infant has somehow grown into a walking (or at least toddling), talking (or at least trying to string three words together) human being, who enchants you with his big heart and drives you crazy with his mule-headedness. In this audio , you'll learn:
• What's going on in your todder's brain?
• Specific suggestions to live peacefully with a toddler
• Your toddler's developmental tasks
• What your toddler needs from you.
• Why toddlers need routines.
• How to handle tantrums.
• How to maximize your fun with this terrific little person, and minimize the aggravation!
Download Now:
Positive Parenting Your Terrible, Terrific Toddler

From a listener:
"Thank you so much for your talk on Toddlers! Your comments on brain development taught me new information that is very useful in understanding what makes my son tick. I can't wait to try your suggestions for what to say to him and how to make things go smoother." -- Tammy
________________________________________
Help Your Child WANT to Behave
Would you like to try a more gentle form of discipline but you aren't sure how? Parents who spank, yell, or use timeouts and "consequences" as threats are often disbelieving when they hear that there are families who never hit, never use timeouts, and rarely raise their voices to their children.

But you shouldn’t need to use these methods of discipline, and if you're using them now, you'll probably be quite relieved to hear that not only can you wean yourself away from them, but your children will be better behaved as a result. This ebook will get you started. I personally guarantee that you'll see positive results in your relationship with your child, and in your child's behavior, within two weeks. If you don't your money will be promptly and cheerfully refunded.
Download Now: Help Your Child WANT to Behave

From readers:
"This ebook was Awesome! I loved what I was reading and wanted to read more, your emails and books are like an epiphany for me." - Christie

Thank You, Dr. Laura for the ebook about positive discipline. I am so grateful to have found your inspiration and wisdom. My heart is open from feeling the love and support you give. I am thankful for help in raising children who are loved and happy. With immense gratitude, Danielle
________________________________________
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Child-Centered Divorce: ParentalWisdom.com a unique concept ParentalWisdom.com: a unique concept for families coping with divorce.

2011-05-11T12:23:00.001-07:00

Child-Centered Divorce: ParentalWisdom.com a unique concept
ParentalWisdom.com: a unique concept for families coping with
divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Being a parent is never easy. Challenges regarding children are
inevitable and always stressful. Tina Nocera has come up with a
unique website that provides sound advice for parents. They can ask
questions and get multiple answers from experts in a variety of
fields.

Parents are encouraged to ask questions on any topic that concerns
them. What makes this website so distinctive is that the parents
will not just receive one answer. They will benefit from expert
advice from a number of professionals in that field.
ParentalWisdom.com understands that no question ever has just one
answer. Parents can choose the advice that best fits their
circumstances. This concept is so unique it's patented!

I am proud to announce that I have been invited to be one of the
Expert Advisors on the topic of divorce and parenting. As the
author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A
Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! I
answer questions about facing, moving through or transitioning
beyond divorce for families and single parents.

Whenever a question about divorce and children comes up, I am sent
that question to answer. Other Expert Advisors provide their
wisdom, as well. The parent benefits from a broader range of
options and can try many solutions.

Michael Mastracci, Esq. is another new Expert Advisor at
ParentalWidsom.com. Mastracci is the author of the new book, Stop
Fighting Over the Kids. He is a Collaborative Divorce attorney who
uses his personal and professional experience to guide parents in
the best direction for their children. Mastracci's advice, coming
from the legal perspective, helps parents transition through their
divorce in the most positive possible way for everyone in the
family. His website is www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com.

Armed with a diverse variety of experts on most every topic related
to parenting, ParentalWisdom.com has earned a reputation for
providing great advice from a roster of many authorities. Parents
would be wise to check out this free website any time they have
questions about any facet of parenting.

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for
customizing a personal family storybook that guides children
through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free
articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free
ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Dear Friends,

2011-05-05T13:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

I hope you enjoyed Don McAvinchey's 'Beyond Divorce MiniSummit' this week, and his 'Empowerment Week TeleSummit' last week. There were some incredible speakers on his calls:
*Delaine Moore on dating after divorce.
*Patrick McMillan on raising your kids to be happy through the divorce process.
*Nicolle Kopping-Pavars on Collaborative Divorce and our responsibility to be good people through this challenging time.
*Lisa Decker on Beginning a Winning Divorce (and what it takes to make sure you're coming out of divorce in the best shape possible!)
*Ron Lasorsa on putting kids as your first priority through the divorce transition.

It was all great, and my colleague Don added his own thoughts in two talks on helping women get through this transition and come out the other side whole and complete.
Don's asked me to tell you about a bonus opportunity to listen in on the replay of this week's Beyond Divorce MiniSummit:

"Would you be so kind to let your friends know about our replays from our "Beyond Divorce MiniSummit" being up and available for them to listen to at their leisure? I'm going to keep them up until Sunday, May 8th, so pass that word on to them if you would. They'll get to hear:
*Lee Block from www.PostDivorceDatingClub.com talk about the challenges of moving from being married to being single, and loving yourself again.
*Rhonda Ryder from www.KidsAwakening.com on "Why Hating Your Ex is Screwing Up Your Kids--and how to stop it!"
*Rosalind Sedacca from www.ChildCenteredDivorce.com on "Being Big so Your Children Can Stay Little--Taking a Stand for Your Kids Sanity Through Your Divorce"
*And me, Don McAvinchey, on "The 5 Key Mistakes Women Make After Divorce--and How to Overcome Them in 2011!"

Here are the two links for Day 1 and Day 2 so your members can listen to the replays, sitting in their jammies with a cup of tea!
1st night, Minisummit Replay: http://AttendThisEvent.com/?eventid=19375428
2nd night Minisummit Replay: http://AttendThisEvent.com/?eventid=19375554
Thanks so much!
Your Friend,
Don"

So take Don up on his offer, and go to the links above for the replays of this weeks powerful Beyond Divorce MiniSummit--they are there, waiting for you!

Best regards,

Rosalind Sedacca
The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce

8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa

The Power of One: Positive Co-Parenting During & After Divorce

2011-05-04T13:15:00.001-07:00

The Power of One: Positive Co-Parenting During & After Divorce
I'm honored to be able to share with you this wonderful article from my guest writer, Cindy Harari, Esq. Take her advice to heart. It is one of the great success secrets of creating a positive Child-Centered Divorce. Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Having a former spouse or co-parent who is not "on the same page" is one of many challenges during or after divorce. You can stay stuck in a place where you say: "he/she doesn't get it, will never get it, won't do it any other way" or take this time in your life as an opportunity to start doing things differently by shifting the focus to you.
When you say or do something, you cause a response or reaction. If you change the way you say or do things, you cause a change in the response or reaction of the people you are interacting with. I call it "the power of one. " Let's look at an example:
In the course of divorcing, two parents are alternating weekends with their two children, ages 7 and 9. On the weekend that the children are with Mom, the 7 year old has a soccer game at the same time that the 9 year old has been invited to a birthday party. Mom cannot be in two places at once and becomes anxious and frustrated. Of course the children feel it. Mom's perception, based on the dynamic that has evolved between the parents, is that "since it's not Dad's weekend, it's not his concern and I have to figure it out myself." This may create stress for Mom and both children, and may perpetuate a complete lack of awareness in Dad.
What if Mom put aside her pre-conceived ideas about what Dad's response might be and, even though it's not "his" weekend, asked him to participate with her to facilitate the children's activities on this day? It's a different approach. It's one person doing something differently and giving the other person the opportunity to do something differently in turn. It's the power of one.
Maybe the underlying issue is that Mom doesn't really want to share "her" weekend time with Dad. What's that about? Maybe Dad really has no interest in seeing the children other than during "his" scheduled time. That's something to look at too.
Time after time throughout the divorce process there are opportunities to make choices about how to approach issues that come up. If you have made the fundamental commitment to creating a peaceful divorce, you will "talk the talk and walk the walk." Over time, you will make more decisions and take more actions to further your commitment to creating a peaceful divorce.
If you don't get the response you want to something you say or do from your former spouse or co-parent, don't give up! This is a process that takes time, patience and work. You have the power to be proactive, persistent, and consistent about what you do to create your peaceful divorce. That's the power of one.
Of course, no one can control what anyone else says or does in response to what you say or do. However, you may be surprised to find that as you say and do things differently, the dynamics of your relationship with your former spouse or co-parent begin to shift and your peaceful divorce will evolve. You and your children will feel the difference.
Are you interested in exploring how your personal "power of one" can change things? You do not have to do this work alone. Support is available from many sources including coaches, co-parent educators, online co-parent social networks, and local parenting groups.
Do you want to make the best possible child-focused decisions during and after your divorce? You have the power to do so.
* * *
Cindy Harari, Esq. is an attorney, trained parenting coordinator, mediator, and arbitrator.
Her professional training combined with years of practical experience gives Ms. Harari a unique perspective and distinctive insight regarding issues of divorce and parenting. She can be reached at www.peacefuldivorce.ning.com/profile/CindyHarari.
© 2009 Cindy Harari. All Rights Reserved.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Beyond Divorce Bootcamps

2011-05-02T12:29:00.001-07:00

Dear Friends:
I want to remind you about a very cool opportunity that my friend and colleague, Don McAvinchey of Beyond Divorce Bootcamps, is bringing to you this week.
You see, Don hosted the Beyond Divorce Empowerment Week TeleSummit this past week, and had so many people asking for more, and so many divorce experts seeing the buzz and wanting in, that he's gone ahead and interviewed even more of these experts and is offering you the chance to hear their wisdom, advice and coaching FREE this coming Monday and Tuesday!
Here's the line-up:
Today, Monday, May 2nd: Rhonda Rhyder of www.KidsAwakening.com on The Law of Attraction in Raising Kids and Being a Great Parent Through Divorce; and me, Rosalind Sedacca of www.ChildCenteredDivorce.com, on Making Divorce a Time of Strength-building for Your Children and on
Tuesday, May 3rd: Lee Block of www.postdivorcedatingclub.com on "Being Single after Being a Couple and Loving Yourself Again" and then my colleague, Don McAvinchey, on "The 5 Key Mistakes Women Make After Divorce and How to Overcome Them All in 2011!"
You won't want to miss this powerful double-night of FREE coaching and teaching by Don and his Guest Experts!
Click here NOW: http://www.1shoppingcart.com/app/?af=1342198
to get all the connection info you'll need to enjoy these calls!
Best wishes,
Rosalind Sedacca

Beyond Divorce Bootcamps

56 Moya Road
Santa Fe, NM
87508
US

8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa

The 8-Step Formula for Positive Post-Divorce Parenting: Part 2

2011-04-27T12:13:00.000-07:00

The 8-Step Formula for Positive Post-Divorce Parenting: Part 2

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Step #5: LEARN TO LET GO

If you truly want to move on from your divorce you must learn to let go of negative emotions that hold you hostage. These include anger, resentment, blame, jealousy, hatred and anxiety. Of course, there is a time and place for experiencing those emotions. Feel them; mourn the dream that turned sour. Then make a decision to let them go. Do this for your benefit - not on behalf of your former spouse.

Negative emotions can hold you in limbo and suck the life out of you. You get stuck in a place that's painful to experience and it makes you unpleasant to be around. For the sake of your children - if not for yourself - decide to let it all go. Determine to move on. It's not always easy to do, but the contrast of living in your pain is not an easy place to be either. Which state would you prefer?

Step #6: FORGIVENESS

The big step after letting go of your negative emotions is learning to forgive. This starts with you. Forgive any mistakes you made related to your marriage or divorce. Forgive your poor choices, immaturity or naivety. Acknowledge yourself as someone who is open to personal growth, change and transformation. Feel your worth and start doing things that express self-love.

Next take the big step to forgive your ex. This does not mean condoning their actions or hurtful behavior. It means you are determined not to let it affect you any longer.

You are cutting the emotional chords that bind you and keep you from enjoying the new possibilities in your life. Behind forgiveness is freedom. Don't you want to be free of the pain, hurt, insecurity and rage that previously had power over you? Cut the chord and be free!

Step #7: MAKE TIME FOR YOU!

One of the healthiest things you can do in creating a positive attitude is making time for you! This is a gift that pays off on many levels in your life. Think about reinventing yourself in new ways that excite you. Take a yoga or meditation class. Pursue a new hobby. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Start a craft or business enterprise that excites you. Make time for strolls in nature, physical exercise, watching your weight and diet. Treat yourself to a message or facial. Indulge when you can.

When you nurture yourself, you can then give your children your total attention when you are with them. During and after divorce your kids need you more than ever. You can't be there for them if you're not there for yourself to renew your spirits. It's all part of the Child-Centered Divorce formula and it works if you play your part.

Do the best you can. Be the best parent you can be. Take it day by day. If you need help, reach out for it without embarrassment or shame. You're not alone. And the help you need is out there for you!

Step #8: HANDLE YOUR CONFLICTS

Disagreements are inevitable between divorced parents from time to time. Develop good communication skills and you will minimize the damage that results.

When a conflict with your ex arises, be a good listener. Most disagreements come about from misunderstanding. Clarify what you heard to make sure that was the intention. Often one of you made an assumption that was erroneous and feelings got hurt.

It's a good idea to get into the habit of paraphrasing what you think they said and ask for clarity. Apologize if you made an error or omission. Be understanding if your ex made the error. Try not to put them on the defensive or jump to negative conclusions.

Find a middle ground that you both can live with. Trade off getting to "win" the discussion or issue at hand. Agree to disagree if necessary. Learn to move on.

Bonus Step: TAKE THE HIGH ROAD

Dr. Phil often says, "Every relationship needs a hero." Be the one who can step up and look beyond the ego gratification of being right, winning the battle or getting your way. Why? Because it will be in the best interest of your children for you to minimize conflict as quickly and smoothly as possible.

That doesn't mean you become a door-mat. Stand up for your values and make your points. If concession won't be harming your children's overall well-being, consider whether you can let go. It's not about being "right." It's about being the best parent for the kids you love.

If you must stand firm, do it without ego interference or "I told you so" put downs. Make your points objectively. Use "I" language - stating your feelings as yours. Avoid "you" language that's insulting or insensitive. It rarely gets you where you want to go - to the place that best supports your children's authentic needs.

It takes a mature, aware adult to take the high road when a conflict is taking place. Be that person. By modeling maturity you are laying the foundation for your ex, in-laws and others in your life to respond on a higher level. Be a catalyst for behavior you can be proud of. In the future your children will remember who behaved as an adult and made them feel secure, protected and loved. They'll acknowledge you for it. Wait and see!

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

The 8-Step Formula for Positive Post-Divorce Parenting: Part 1

2011-04-20T12:51:00.001-07:00

The 8-Step Formula for Positive Post-Divorce Parenting: Part 1

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Parenting after divorce can be complex, frustrating and confusing. However, every day parents around the world are coping with the challenges and raising happy, well-adjusted children. There are many factors that influence your effectiveness as a parent. In this two-part article we'll review some of the major components of the post-divorce parenting success formula.

Step 1: ATTITUDE

Attitude plays a big part in the success of any Child-Centered Divorce. If you approach your divorce with a commitment to making it as positive an experience as possible for the children you love, you are on your way to succeeding.

What attitude are you conveying about your divorce? Try to catch your thoughts and the way you speak about it. Are you filled with negativity? Are your days consumed with a "poor me" state of consciousness? Are you attracting and spending time with others who share those sentiments? If so, it's time for an overhaul in your thinking and attitude.

A Child-Centered Divorce is created over weeks, months and years of attention to positive parenting. It's never too late to start regardless of how long you have been divorced. The decisions you make today will affect the relationships within your family tomorrow and for decades to come.

Step 2: PERCEPTIONS

The world is what we perceive it to be. Whether you believe it's good or bad - you will be right -- and create an outcome to justify your belief.

If you perceive yourself to be a victim in your divorce, you will focus on evidence to prove that to be true.

If you instead take your divorce as a life experience to learn from, you will derive many benefits and value from the divorce, no matter how much pain is also involved. You will also accept responsibility for the part you played in the process and be more willing to contemplate new ways to live your life in the future that will bring more positive results.

Sadly, it's through challenging experience that we grow and learn the most from life. Are you uncovering meaningful lessons for you?

Step 3: LOOK FOR THE GIFT:

There are always lessons to be learned from painful experiences. If you perceive those lessons as "gifts" to you - wisdom and opportunities you will never have otherwise experienced, you can move on from your divorce a better, stronger, wiser person. There is always a gift to be received if you look for it.

Step 4: RESPECTFUL PARENTING

Getting past your divorce is but a small piece of the Child Centered Divorce puzzle if you are a parent. Working through the challenges of creating successful communication with your ex is a goal that must be worked on continuously. Keep your children in mind before making any decisions related to their well-being and you will stay on course.

Because you and your former spouse will be parenting your children for many years - and decades to come -- it makes sense to start off on the best possible course. The first step is to develop a respectful relationship with your ex. Remember that is your child's other parent who they love. Treat your former spouse with that level of awareness and dignity in all your communication and they are more likely to return the same level of respect to you. Changes may not happen overnight. But with patience and persistence things can and will improve.

In Part 2 we'll continue with the four additional steps to positive post-divorce parenting success.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

4 Vital Steps to Help Teens Handle Your Divorce

2011-04-14T11:44:00.000-07:00

4 Vital Steps to Help Teens Handle Your Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Many divorcing parents put all their attention on helping their younger children cope while assuming their teenager will understand and adapt. Unfortunately studies have shown that in many cases teens will deal with divorce in more self-destructive and dangerous ways than younger children. Don't be misled by their seeming independence and self-sufficiency. Often, behind that mask lie deep insecurity, anxiety, mistrust and fear.
Typically teens fall into one of two areas of concern - internalizing and isolation or acting out and aggression. Some teens turn inward, hardly talk to you, lose interest in school, start exploring drug or alcohol use and demonstrate a detached, "whatever" type of attitude.
Others start getting defensive, develop angry outbursts, curse and talk back. Pushing you away and "leave me alone" responses or physical reactions such as punching walls or throwing objects can create great tension and fear in the home.
These children need and are craving more attention as well as structure and supervision in their lives. They see the chaos of the divorce as an excuse to express their frustration and repressed anger. How you respond will play a big part in creating more positive outcomes.
Here are four important steps you can take to bring your family closer together during these challenges times:
1. Maintain family routines. Try as much as possible to keep up with school, sports, clubs, curfews and other routines that were part of your teen's life. Having meals and other experiences together helps to cement the bond that we are still a family and care about one another.
2. Reinforce your love. Remind your teen, just like your younger children, that the divorce is in no way their fault or responsibility. Tell them how much you love and value them and that you will always be there for them. Teens are often embarrassed to talk about their feelings. Open the door to conversations and when your teen does talk, be sure to listen rather than lecture.
3. Be a true role model. When you respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally to a challenge you are modeling healthy ways to handle tough situations. This is valuable for your own well-being and demonstrates positive ways of processing your feelings. Above all, never bad-mouth their other parent or confide adult content to your teen. The results are always destructive.
4. Create positive new experiences. Encourage your teen's friends to come over for pizza and video nights. Redecorate a room together. Adopt a new pet or take a mini vacation together to a family fun spot you haven't visited before. This sets the stage for new beginnings and happy memories post-divorce as your family starts a new chapter in their lives.
Never underestimate the impact of divorce on your children - especially your more independent teens. Behind their reassurance might be a deep well of untapped confusion and pain. Be there ... watch ... listen ... and observe your teen while modeling the best behavior you can. Divorce is never easy. But it can be a positive life lesson for everyone in the family when handled from that perspective. The more responsibly you behave, the easier it will be for your teen to adapt to the changes and challenges of your divorce.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

The 8-Step Formula for Positive Post-Divorce Parenting: Part 1

2011-04-07T13:01:00.001-07:00

Child-Centered Divorce: Three Trusts leads to Greater Success

2011-04-06T14:30:00.000-07:00

Child-Centered Divorce: Three Trusts leads to Greater Success
Three Trusts leads to a more successful Child-Centered Divorce

I'm quite impressed with the Three Trusts concept, the brainchild
of Parent Educator and Conflict Coach, Ruth Rinehart. Take Ruth's
message to heart and incorporate into your parenting strategies.
You won't go wrong.

The fear of having our actions used in litigation is an awful cloud
over parenting. The world in the courtroom is a separate world from
the relationship between parent and child. Sometimes what is right
for the child might not necessarily look good in court. These are
the sad facts.

In my Three Trusts class for divorced parents, the first Trust is
to Trust Yourself as a Parent, because parents are so often slammed
by the other side on their parenting skills and style. By trusting
yourself, it leads to more confidence, stability, consistency for
the kids.

Then, the second trust is to Trust the Other Parent to be a "good
enough" parent. That means that if the kids get to stay up late,
have a "friend" instead of a parent, in the other household, its
still our job to support the other parent (because if they aren't
abusing the child, then they ARE a good enough parent). One of the
best sentences is: "every household is different. This is the way
we do it in this household." No reason to be defensive about it

The third trust is to Trust Your Child. They do grow up, and they
do figure things out. They can tell the difference between a sane
household, and a crazy one. You don't ever have to malign the other
parent, or explain the challenges you face. (I know everyone
reading this probably understands these things, but it does help
parents who aren't in this field!).

My oldest daughter is 25 now, and I rue the times when I didn't
trust her. She came through some rough spots, but is on a good path
now.

It is wise to remember that conflict can often reign in intact
families. Truth is, that conflict is very damaging to the
kids as well. A terrific website is: www.uptoparents.org .

To learn more about Ruth Rinehart and her services, visit
www.threetrusts.com.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

4 Vital Steps to Help Teens Handle Your Divorce

2011-03-31T13:36:00.000-07:00

Angry Teens

2011-03-31T10:11:00.000-07:00

When your thought patterns rub up against those of your teenager, you can either take it personally and get upset yourself, or you can use it as an opportunity to help bring healing and a new perspective to your child.

Teens get angry for a number of reasons; from fear, feelings of injustice, insecurity, loneliness, overactive hormones, lack of sleep, peer bullying, a growing need for independence and just trying to make sense out of life. Parents get angry when their teens behave in ways that aren’t appropriate or if they feel their children aren’t showing them proper respect. If parents don’t understand that their teenager’s anger may be about something totally separate from them, they might go about lighting the fuse in the dynamite by reacting too harshly. So, guess which party needs to “man up” and defuse the situation?

You don’t have to throw up your hands in resignation and despair if you’re dealing with an angry child. I want to share with you four powerful techniques you can use to defuse anger—practical steps that actually work in the real world.

1) Be a Model. Many times in the heat of anger a person realizes they’re going too far, but they don’t know how to back off and cool down. It’s an important ability for either party, but it is learned by the parent modeling it to their children. For instance, when I’m talking to a child who is angry, I look for a way to identify with him. If he accuses me of not understanding, I say something like, “You’re right. I didn’t listen well enough. I was wrong. Tell me again.” What I’m trying to show them is what it looks like to cool down, step back, and say, “I was wrong.”

One of the most important things to remember is that feelings aren’t something you can control or necessarily reason with. You can’t argue them away, even if you are completely right. In fact, the more right you are about the other person being wrong, the more angry they will get. If a pot is boiling over on the stove, telling it to cool off doesn’t help. You have to turn down the heat and let it cool.

The “stand your ground” drill sergeant approach of “yelling and telling” doesn’t work. That just models shouting and will turn your home into an unending scream fest as your teenagers gain the confidence to respond in kind. Correcting an angry teen with equal or greater anger is like throwing gasoline on a raging fire. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” Instead, remain calm. Spend time listening and trying to get an idea of what they really want. Remember that anger is a symptom—so don’t try to beat it, treat it or cover it up. Find the disease—the disappointment that is driving the anger, and focus on dealing with that.

2) Make Your Home a Respite. Kids enter a jungle when they walk out the front door. School has always been a tough place. My nicknames in high school were “eagle beak” and “chicken legs.” Today the bullying is far worse, in and out of school through online chat rooms, cell phone texting, and social networks like Facebook and Twitter, where insults can reach the teen (and the world) wherever they are.

So, in our homes we can show our teens that even if they’re upset with us, or the whole world seems to be upset with them, we still love them and accept them unconditionally. When we’ve seemingly become the focus of their anger, it can really cut against our grain personally, but we need to wear our parent hats and avoid being defensive. In fact, don’t even try to quash their anger. If you do, they may well try to seek other ways to deal with their frustration, like drinking or taking drugs to cover up having to think about it. Rather, having a safe place to “blow off steam” and talk about it allows them to process what they’re feeling. After all, they probably aren’t even angry at you, they’re just taking it out on you because you are a convenient target.

This is the heart of the reason why conflict provides the opportunity to strengthen and deepen the relationship. If it is handled correctly, with caring and without defensiveness, it gives us opportunity to talk and to lift them up — to be on their side. We can also share the inappropriateness of shifting their anger to attacking the ones they love. And each time they are upset, they’ll be less explosive because they’ll know they can safely come to us to talk about it.

3) Get Closer/Lower. When I’m dealing with an angry teenager, I don’t walk away. I get closer to them and I intentionally position myself below them. If they’re standing, I sit. If they’re sitting in a chair, I sit on the floor. It’s a way to signal that I’m not going to force my opinion on them. I’m telling them without saying a word that I want there to be a two-way conversation about what is bothering them. It’s a way of lowering the temperature, and encouraging them to talk.

Because of the difference between the boys and girls communicate, I’ll often take a guy for a ride in the car to have a longer talk after things have cooled down. If they’re not facing me, it can be easier for them to open up about what is behind the anger they’re expressing. Or, do something physical, like fishing, playing basketball, or jogging. If you have a daughter that’s upset, that talk may go better on a walk, a visit to the mall, or at a coffee shop. In any case, find ways to get them to converse with you.

Remember that we’re not trying to squelch the anger and make it go away; we’re trying to get at the root cause and allow them to release some of their steam. There are many legitimate causes for anger. The Bible says, “Be angry, but don’t sin.” (Ephesians 4:26) But when anger brings the teen to a point that they are spinning out of control, it can be because their relationship with the parents isn’t such that they feel they can share their frustrations. Who else can they talk to?

4) Plan Ahead. If you know there is something bothering your teen, prepare yourself before you talk to them. Think about your objectives for the conversation, and how you will go about accomplishing them. Think about what you will say and how you will act if they attack you for not caring or understanding, or for letting them down. Think about what you can do to help them channel their angry energy into non-destructive outlets. Especially think about what could go wrong during the conversation. Spending some time like this ahead of the conversation will pay enormous benefits.

Dee-Dee Meyer points out the importance of positive feedback to healthy ego development for your teen. She says, “For every negative thing I say, I try to say two positive things.” So, in preparation for your talk, plan what positive things you will say. Put yourself in their place. Remember how important “little” things were to you when you were a teenager. Try to empathize with their emotions, even if they are unrealistic and immature. You’re helping them grow and develop by helping them respond properly to what is making them angry.

Finally, prepare an exit strategy for what you will do if things start to get out of hand. Though the issue does need to be resolved, often taking a break for everyone to cool off is the best step. You can say something like, “I want to think about what you said, and you can think about what I said. Then we’ll get back together and talk.” This doesn’t place blame or shame them; it puts you both on the same level and allows the conversation to continue when things calm down.

A Real Life Example

One of the young men we’re working with at Heartlight is here primarily because of anger. He was getting into a lot of fights and arguments with his parents. He told me, “There was a lot of conflict, especially with my dad. We both had a hard time admitting we were wrong. We went to a lot of counseling sessions but things weren’t getting any better. Eventually we stopped talking.” And then he stopped doing his schoolwork because his dad was really focused on his grades. “I did it to annoy Dad,” he said.

When he expressed his anger, he was punished, and that just frustrated him more, so it was a vicious cycle. Things finally got so bad that the counselor suggested his parents send him to Heartlight. In six months with us, he’s been learning to manage and control his anger. He’s learned the importance of blowing off steam appropriately. He gets his stress worked out by exercising. “After doing that for while, it’s easier for me to talk calmly,” he said.

Remember, conflict is a precursor to change. Look beyond their anger to what may be causing it. Never allow their anger to force you to reduce consequences, nor allow it to turn violent, disrespectful or threatening. If it does, it will only get worse, so get the help of another adult, a counselor or the authorities if needed. Hopefully you’ll get it under control before it gets so far out of hand by making an intentional effort to help your teen talk about and get beyond what is upsetting them.

We talked about this issue in-depth on our radio program last weekend titled “Defusing Teen Anger.” Listen online here (or look for the program dated March 23, 2011 at http://www.parentingtodaysteens.org).

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com.

Moving Beyond Your Divorce: Part 2

2011-03-30T12:58:00.001-07:00

Moving Beyond Your Divorce: Part 2

This excellent article is written by Life Coach Shelley Stile. It was so good I am using it in tact to share its value for you. Last week I sent you Part 1. We will now continue with Part 2.

6) Learn the difference between what is and what you think should be.

If we are living in a netherland of what we think should be, we are completely cut off from reality or 'what is'. If you think that you should not have to be experiencing divorce, then you cannot accept what is...that you are indeed getting divorced. You live in a world of your own.

We all create a list of "should be's" that keep us stuck in the status quo: I should be happier, I should be getting more support, I shouldn't have to work, and I should still be married. By concentrating on what we should be, we ignore what actually exists for us and remain stuck.

I think we should live in a world where peace is the predominant ethic but we don't live in that world. That's a dream I have. By acknowledging the world as it truly exists, I can make choices as to how I will live my life and also how to address the problems that do exist.

7) Consider the emotional wounds that you brought to the marriage.

Your ex may complain that you were not a warm person. I doubt that it was your marriage that created a cold person, if indeed that is what you are. We bring ourselves into our marriages and the parts of us that show up and create issues are the parts of us that we haven't addressed yet. They are emotional wounds from somewhere in our past and they have a tendency to pop-up in our close relationships or when we are faced with challenging times.

Now is your chance to address those wounds and heal them so that you do not repeat your so-called mistakes again. Use your divorce as a catalyst to go inside and heal yourself.

8) Release toxic emotions.

Get rid of the debilitating toxic emotions that you are carrying around. Picture them as heavy baggage that keeps you stuck in your misery and produces a broken back. Anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment, rage...these are all toxic emotions that will harm you far more than your ex. You are the one who pays the price. You need to work through them and then release them because they will weigh you down for the rest of your life if you allow it.

Once you have done the work of truth versus interpretations and what is versus what should be, you will find it much easier to give up your anger and resentment. They do not serve you and you are learning to give away anything that does not serve you well.

9) Learn forgiveness for yourself and your mate.

You might not be able to practice forgiveness in the early stages of the journey to recovery but if you go through these other steps, you will be able to forgive your ex and more importantly, yourself. Forgiveness takes a big load off your shoulders. It releases energy that can be used for positive things.

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean you condone bad behavior, it simply means you forgive. If we separate the person from the behavior it becomes easier to forgive. You know that just because you sometimes say mean things it does not mean you are a bad person. It's just a lapse in judgment. We are not necessarily our behavior. We know all the subconscious motivations that exist within every individual. If we look at the inner child within a person, forgiveness is a given.

10) Make conscious decisions; utilize free choice.

When you do the inner work of divorce recovery, you tend to attend to many things that have been left unresolved for years. You become more conscious of your actions and your choices. You become aware of the subconscious and how it can run your life. When you learn to observe the constant mind chatter that goes on inside your heads, you learn that the mind chatter is not us, it's just chatter.

Making conscious decisions based in free choice means that we are not letting our mind chatter, our past, our emotional wounds or our interpretations of reality run the show. We take control of our lives. Conscious living allows for incredible freedom and the ability to create extraordinary changes.

And your bonus tip:

11) Find the gifts of your divorce.

Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are (warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has survived divorce and has gone on to create a vibrant life based upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That may not be true for you but there is a gift waiting for you to find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career and to a certain extent he has played a part. Oftentimes it takes a good whack on the head to awaken us to life's possibilities and our own happiness.

It's the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true. Search for the gifts of your divorce and it becomes yet another step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of divorce.

Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower, the work that takes place underneath the surface of the ground, invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you see the outer rewards.

About Shelley Stile: Shelley is a professionally trained Life Coach. She specializes in working with women and divorce recovery. She is a member of the International Speaker's Forum and served as a Coach for Harv Ekar's Life Directions seminar series. You can learn more about Life Coaching with Shelley at http://www.changecoachshelley.com and http://shelleyblog.changecoachshelley.com or contact Shelley at shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com.

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca 2008

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Your teen needs the kind of relationship that doesn’t stop

2011-03-30T12:57:00.001-07:00

Your teen needs the kind of relationship that doesn’t stop, even if they overstep the boundaries.
There will be times when your teenager will test the boundaries. Even so, keep reminding them: “There’s nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do can make me love you less.” In other words, their mistakes won’t end your relationship. You will love them just the same regardless of their actions, and you’ll also love them enough to enforce appropriate consequences if needed.
What your child wants more than anything else is to have a solid relationship with you. Of course they also want more freedom and will test your boundaries; if not, they’ll never mature.

Divorce in the Teen Years (3-29-2011)

2011-03-29T12:37:00.000-07:00

Divorce in the Teen Years (3-29-2011)
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
While it is difficult for a child to deal with the split-up of the family at any age, kids are especially prone to emotional and behavioral problems if a family break-up happens in their early teen years.
One of the strongest factors in all sorts of behavioral problems for teenagers is their feelings of loss and abandonment brought on by the divorce of their parents.
While I’d never condone divorce, it is sadly a fact of life for half of all marriages today. So, my advice to parents who are contemplating it is to first get into counseling, but if that fails, at least wait until their teens are older. If not, they’ll likely have more heartaches than they bargained for.

Three Trusts leads to a more successful Child-Centered Divorce

2011-03-24T14:20:00.000-07:00

Three Trusts leads to a more successful Child-Centered Divorce
I'm quite impressed with the Three Trusts concept, the brainchild of Parent Educator and Conflict Coach, Ruth Rinehart. Take Ruth's message to heart and incorporate into your parenting strategies. You won't go wrong.
The fear of having our actions used in litigation is an awful cloud over parenting. The world in the courtroom is a separate world from the relationship between parent and child. Sometimes what is right for the child might not necessarily look good in court. These are the sad facts.

In my Three Trusts class for divorced parents, the first Trust is to Trust Yourself as a Parent, because parents are so often slammed by the other side on their parenting skills and style. By trusting yourself, it leads to more confidence, stability, consistency for the kids.

Then, the second trust is to Trust the Other Parent to be a "good enough" parent. That means that if the kids get to stay up late, have a "friend" instead of a parent, in the other household, its still our job to support the other parent (because if they aren't abusing the child, then they ARE a good enough parent). One of the best sentences is: "every household is different. This is the way we do it in this household." No reason to be defensive about it

The third trust is to Trust Your Child. They do grow up, and they do figure things out. They can tell the difference between a sane household, and a crazy one. You don't ever have to malign the other parent, or explain the challenges you face. (I know everyone reading this probably understands these things, but it does help parents who aren't in this field!).

My oldest daughter is 25 now, and I rue the times when I didn't trust her. She came through some rough spots, but is on a good path now.

It's wise to remember that conflict can often reign in intact families. Truth is, that conflict is very damaging to the kids as well. A terrific website is: www.uptoparents.org .

To learn more about Ruth Rinehart and her services, visit www.threetrusts.com.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa

Moving Beyond Your Divorce: Part 1

2011-03-24T11:21:00.001-07:00

Moving Beyond Your Divorce: Part 1

This excellent article is written by Life Coach Shelley Stile. It was so good I am using it in tact to share its value for you. Next week the article continues with Part 2. It's worth the wait!

There is no single more powerful stumbling block to moving beyond our divorce into a new life than the inability to accept our new reality. Acceptance is the hardest part of the divorce recovery process. Acceptance requires total honesty, courage and the willingness to let go of the life that we had...a life that no longer exists. Without that acceptance, we cannot move forward and create a new life.

How does one learn acceptance? Although it takes time and a good deal of inner work, it can be done. Here is a step-by-step guide to move you towards acceptance:

1) It's about you, not them.

One of the most powerful lessons in life is the knowledge that we have control over one person and one person only...ourselves. If you are looking outside of yourself to move forward, you won't. We can't change anyone but ourselves. We have power over no one except ourselves. It is when we turn inward and do the work on ourselves that we will be able to effect dramatic and positive changes in our lives.

Being a victim means giving away all control and power. If I blame someone else for my situation, then I am powerless to do anything about it as I have chosen to absolve myself of any responsibility.

We can create changes that will make our lives better but not until we stop trying to change our ex or our current reality and we realize that it's about us, not them.

2) Get support.

If you think you can do this all by yourself you may be in for a big surprise. Research consistently shows that getting support in any challenging endeavor leads to more success. Whether you choose a divorce support group, a therapist, a member of the clergy or a Life Coach, just do it.

If you are one of those people who think that you have to handle life's challenges on your own because somehow you equate support with weakness, get over it! Getting support is a sign of intelligence as far as I'm concerned as well as an indication that you really are serious about moving onward in life.

3) First, you must get through the initial stages of loss that includes denial, grief, anger, depression and whatever else you might be feeling early in the divorce process.

These emotions are all natural and necessary states that we need to experience. They are the norm versus the exception. Each one of these feelings needs to be embraced and experienced fully. There must be an ending before a new beginning.

There is a difference between fully experiencing an emotional stage and getting stuck in it. Beware excessive self-pity and real depression. Here is where support becomes important to your well-being and improvement.

4) Distinguish between facts and interpretations.

I cannot stress the importance of this step enough. People get stuck when they cannot face the facts and prefer to believe that their personal interpretations are reality.

You might be familiar with the exercise of the picture that has a hidden image within it. Ten people may come up with ten different interpretations of the picture. Some people will see the hidden image immediately and others will never see it until it is pointed out to them. Either way, the hidden picture exists. It is a fact.

You may feel that you have been mentally abused and yet your partner may feel that you are the one that is abusive. He said, she said. Probably a counselor will see a totally different picture altogether. You know, there's your side, his side and then the truth.

Once you are truthful with yourself and can see the facts versus the drama or story of your divorce, you will be on your way to acceptance.

5) Be brutally honest and take responsibility for your marriage, divorce and life.

Those of us who can be totally honest with ourselves will receive the gift of a deep awareness of who and what we are along with the ability to accept our lives as they are without looking to blame someone else. Being honest allows us to see things that hadn't existed for us before. The truth will indeed set you free. By setting aside our egos, we can look at our life for what it actually is versus a story about our divorce.

Once we have been honest and have embraced all the facts about our divorce, we are free to accept full responsibility for our lives. Responsibility is power and the freedom to choose what we want next in life. If we cannot take responsibility, we remain victims and victims absolve themselves of both their responsibility and therefore the power to control their own lives.

About Shelley Stile: Shelley is a professionally trained Life Coach. She specializes in working with women and divorce recovery. She is a member of the International Speaker's Forum and served as a Coach for Harv Ekar's Life Directions seminar series. You can learn more about Life Coaching with Shelley at http://www.changecoachshelley.com and http://shelleyblog.changecoachshelley.com or contact Shelley at shelleystile@changecoachshelley.com.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
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All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca 2008

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Parents Who are Bullied (3-22-2011)

2011-03-24T10:57:00.000-07:00

I’m always surprised by the statistics of the number of parents intimidated or bullied by their own teenager.
With teens, anger is usually an emotional response to not getting something wanted, or losing something once held dear. Whether anger is ignited by peers, parents, or circumstances, physical outbursts can never be allowed.
The line must be drawn as to what behavior will be tolerated when your teen is angry. You may need to say, “If you’re angry, I’m okay with that. But if you become physical, or do damage, I will have you arrested.” Help your teen find appropriate ways to deal with their anger or to let off steam. But never give them license to strike out, no matter what the cause.

Five Ways to Keep Connected with Your Kids after Divorce

2011-03-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

Five Ways to Keep Connected with Your Kids after Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Divorce is a time for disconnect. It's not uncommon for you to feel alone, rejected and insecure in the months following your divorce. So can your children. It is important for you to strengthen your bond with your children during this time of transition - whether you are living with them or apart.
Children want to know they are still loved, valued and cared about. Show them, tell them and keep in close communication with them - during the happy times and the sad ones. They need to know they have a safe place to turn, a shoulder to cry on and a non-judgmental ear when they need it. If divorce has been tough on you - remember it's even tougher on them - whether they confide that to you or not.
Here are five important ways to reinforce your connection with the children you love.
1. Connect through notes:

If you're living together, slip a note in your child's lunch box or notebook every few days. A quick joke, cartoon, reminder about a special event ahead or just a warm "I Love You!" will let them know they're on your mind and in your heart. If you're not spending time together, send an email note or a quick text message to convey that you're thinking about them.
2. Connect through idle chats:

Take advantage of idle moments here and there when you're together with your child. Driving in the car is a great time to ask questions, share your feelings, and be empathic about their comments. When you're helping them with homework, cooking meals together or doing other chores you can strike up a conversation as well. Just be careful not to turn these communications into lectures. You're there to listen, reflect and learn. If you judge or condemn, you'll close the door to hearing any more.
3. Connect through bedtime routine:

It's always wise to create a before bedtime routine with your children that integrates warm connection. Spend time reading books on changing themes, talk about your own childhood memories and challenges. Share your own insecurities and how you overcame them. It's also beneficial to ask your child about the best part of their day or a new lesson they learned. Bedtime routines help you both unwind and appreciate one another. It also creates a security bond that most children really value.
4. Connect through a new project:

After divorce many things change in a child's life. It's a good opportunity to create connection through new projects that take on special meaning. Whether it's a multi-day puzzle, a plastic model you complete together, new shelves or other decorating project in their bedroom, this shared time is a wonderful time to talk, listen to music and make a stress-free connection.
5. Connect through special dates:

Every now and then create a special outing alone with just one of your children. Take them to lunch, the zoo, a big-city shopping trip, a sports game or a wonderful movie. Children cherish alone time with you and the opportunity to catch up with one another without competition from siblings. Prepare this "date" in advance so you both have something to look forward to. End the date with a token gift as a keepsake "reminder" of your time together.
It doesn't take a lot of effort to reinforce your connection with your children, especially as you all transition through and after a divorce. It's the sincerity of your effort, not the money you spend, that impacts their lives and helps them to feel safe, loved and secure despite the changes and challenges created by the divorce.
Connection time will also heighten your awareness about your children's attitudes, moods and feelings so you can address potential problems early-on before they become serious behavior issues. Create the time to keep connected with your kids. You won't regret it!
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
All rights reserved. © 2008

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe: Successful Co-parenting Secrets

2011-03-09T13:48:00.000-08:00

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe: Successful Co-parenting Secrets
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
In today's world, Hollywood celebrities are major role models in our culture, especially to the younger generation. For that reason I keep an eye on the movie-star set to see what they're doing in their relationships. It always makes for great article content.
Too often the examples we see are poor ones. So many celebrity relationships end in ugly divorces and distressful child-custody battles. Happily, however, there are some admirable exceptions. Reese Witherspoon and her former husband Ryan Phillippe are modeling behavior worth our acknowledgment.
When recently interviewed they spoke about sharing custody of their kids -- Ava Elizabeth, 9, and Deacon Reese, 5. Both Reese and Ryan are committed to making a conscious effort to parent their children together.
"My ex-husband is very involved in raising our beautiful children," said Reese. She explained that she and Ryan were fortunate enough to share very similar parenting views. As many of us know, this is a key factor in success with co-parenting. I'm pleased that Reese is careful to bring this to our attention.
Both actors grew up in "working families in middle America" which she says puts them "on the same page" in maintaining a structured life for their children. "I'm teaching the children what we were taught growing up -- a real set of rules, discipline, and love," she adds. Reese believes "children thrive with a sense of structure and they're frightened without it."
With that awareness in mind, both parents focus their attention on parenting their children in collaboration, certainly the best way to reap the best results. The children know both Mom and Dad are in agreement about parenting rules and that provides great security for them, despite the reality of divorce.
We all can learn a lot from this young divorced couple. They are putting their children's needs first when making parenting decisions. They discuss parenting issues, discipline strategies, family rules and the values they want their children to appreciate. With this alignment of beliefs it's far easier to raise children who feel loved, secure and respected by both parents.
Of course not all of us are blessed with exes who share our values and principles. Some of us face far more difficult roads to travel in our post-divorce parenting. And for many, co-parenting is not at all possible.
However, we all can take away some meaningful lessons from Reese and Ryan. The more we work together with our ex - because we both love our children - the more stable their lives will be. We can be more flexible and accommodating with our ex if it results in more collaboration and cooperation when it comes to parenting decisions.
It's certainly worth the effort, don't you think?
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a trainer and relationship seminar facilitator and the author of the new book, How Do I Tell the Kids ...
about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! To learn more about the book, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Aha! Parenting

2011-03-07T12:49:00.000-08:00

Aha! Parenting
Parenting Secret of the Week:
10 Tips to Help Your Child Overcome Shyness

Were you shy as a child? Half of all adults think of themselves as shy, and many more say that they were shy as children.
But shy kids are at a disadvantage in our outgoing, busy culture, because they have a harder time relaxing and connecting with others. Shyness can keep kids from learning the social skills that let them be part of a group, and it can compromise their school performance by making them anxious about asking questions. Worst of all, shy kids can begin a pattern of isolation that keeps them from meeting others, beginning friendships and romances, and simply connecting with other human beings. Scientists now think that social contact is one of our most important human needs, positively impacting our emotional and physical health on every level throughout our lives.

The good news is that shy kids can learn to manage shyness. They just need a little extra support. So what’s the best way to help your child overcome shyness?

1. Nurture your child by noticing her needs and responding to them. Shy baby chimps given to extremely nurturing mothers became leaders in their group, while their shy siblings raised by average mothers remained shy and fearful throughout life. Responsive mothering helps shy little ones learn to calm themselves and manage their reactions. That allows their heightened sensitivity to become an asset, because it makes them more responsive to the needs of their peers and better at negotiating group situations.

2. Empathize with your child’s shyness and avoid shaming him. Acknowledging what he feels, without negative judgment, helps him to feel good about himself. Giving him the impression that there is something wrong with him will just make him feel worse about himself, and therefore more insecure and shy. Empathizing with your child will also help him develop empathy, which will enhance his social skills and keep him connected to others.....(continue reading)

Ages & Stages: Toddlers & Preschoolers
Pre-empt Whining

Should they get what they want by whining? Absolutely not. Should they learn that they can get their way by marshalling good arguments and making them in a reasonable, humorous, charming way that meets your needs as well as theirs? Absolutely, if you want them to get anywhere in life. But how to help them make that transition?
Whining is common with toddlers and preschoolers. Parents are usually advised to tell their kids to ask in a nice voice, because they can't hear the whiny voice. But whining is a symptom of a deeper issue. So if you want to eliminate whining, you have to address what's underneath. If your child's whining is driving you crazy, here are six parent-proven secrets to stop your child from whining. Which secret you use depends on why he's whining.

1. Whining because he doesn't have the internal resources to cope with what's being asked of him: Meet his basic needs for food, rest, down time, run-around time. He may not tantrum as much as he used to, but he will certainly whine if you force him to endure that shopping trip while he’s hungry and tired. Why create a negative situation from which he’ll learn and repeat?

2. Whining because she needs more connection: Be pre-emptive. Make sure that your child gets enough of your positive attention, unprovoked. Pre-empt whining by giving attention BEFORE she gets demanding. Anyone who's had to ask a romantic partner "Do you love me?" knows that attention given after you ask can never really fill the need. The secret is to take the initiative and give attention the child hasn’t asked for, often, so she feels your support and connection. And of course it's particularly important to give attention when she shows the first sign of needing your emotional support, before that quick downhill slide.

3. Whining because she doesn't like what's happening but feels powerless to get her way:

Lawrence Cohen says, "When children whine they are feeling powerless. If we scold them for whining or refuse to listen to them we increase their feelings of powerlessness. If we give in so they will stop whining, we reward that powerlessness. But if we relaxedly, playfully, invite them to use a strong voice, we increase their sense of confidence and competence. And we find a bridge back to close connection."

Start by letting her know that you hear what she wants, and you see her point of view: "You really want to go to the playground, and you keep telling me that, and here I keep stopping at all these stores that you aren't expecting, and you're disappointed, right?" Sometimes just feeling heard is enough to stop whining in its tracks.

Then, if she keeps whining, you can say playfully "You don't sound like yourself. I wonder where your usual strong voice went?"

Express confidence that your child can use her "strong" voice and offer your assistance to help her find it, by making it into a game: "Hey, where did your strong voice go? It was here a minute ago. I LOVE your strong voice! I'll help you find it. Help me look. Is it under the chair? No...In the toy box? No.... HEY! You found it!! That was your strong voice!! Yay! I love your strong voice! Now, tell me again what you need, in your strong voice.".....(continue reading)

Blog Entry of the Week
Try a Little Tenderness

"Giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health. People who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety, and tend to be happier and more optimistic. Preliminary data suggest that self-compassion can even influence how much we eat and may help some people lose weight." -- Tara Parker Pope

A new wave of research supports the view that being compassionate toward ourselves not only makes us happier, but helps us become the person we want to be. Tara Parker-Pope's recent article in the New York Times reviews this research, with particular attention to how self-compassion keeps us from over-eating.

Makes sense, right? We know that when we feel bad, we engage in all sorts of unhealthy habits to feel better -- overeating, shopping, drinking, zoning out in front of screens. Or we lash out, yelling at our children, snarling at our spouse. Naturally, we feel worse. We spiral down into self loathing.

It would be simpler, of course, if you could always just feel good and never make mistakes. But you're human, right? By definition, that means imperfect. So the trick is continuing to feel compassion for yourself when you make a mistake -- or when your child makes a mistake, and you attack yourself for being a bad parent.

Of course, self-compassion takes practice. As compassion researcher Kristin Neff says, “The problem is that it’s hard to unlearn habits of a lifetime. People have to actively and consciously develop the habit of self-compassion.”

How can you develop the habit of self-compassion? Here are three concrete strategies....... (Continue reading)

Parenting Question of the Week
8 Year Old Tantrums

Dr. Laura,

My 8 year old has "melt downs" that seem extreme. We were camping. I asked for the bag of marshmallows. Instead of carrying them the 4' to me she threw them. The mellies ended up spilled on the ground. I asked her why she did this and she started to throw a tantrum. I told her that she could go in the tent to cool off. Once in the tent she was screaming, yelling, crying and causing such a ruckus. I had to quiet her down but by the time she got to that point I couldn't calm her...

Your daughter’s tantrums must seem incomprehensible to you. But she’s showing you that she needs something from you, something of critical importance in her emotional development. She needs your help to learn to regulate her emotions.

The next time your daughter has a meltdown, see it as an opportunity to help her develop the ability to self soothe.

You may have heard that letting children calm down in isolation helps them learn to self-soothe. The opposite is true. Brain development requires little ones to be soothed by someone else, and from that they develop the neural network to soothe themselves. If they don't develop this neural network in infancy, whether because they are left to cry or for some other reason, they will need your help to develop it during childhood.

So how do you help your daughter learn to self soothe, so she can stop her big feelings from exploding into a tantrum? The most effective parenting tool there is: Empathy.

Instead of sending her off somewhere to calm down when she starts to lose it, stay with her. Being alone when she’s that upset won’t teach her what she needs to learn. She needs to borrow your strength and calm. Remind yourself to keep breathing, not to take anything she says or does personally, and how much you love her.

....At this point you may be thinking that you’ll be letting your daughter get away with being lazy, and careless in her marshmallow-passing skills, not to mention throwing tantrums. ...... (Continue reading)

Dating after Divorce:

2011-03-02T12:24:00.001-08:00

Dating after Divorce:
Straight Answers to 7 of the most Challenging Questions!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I applaud parents who are striving to create a child-centered divorce. It's not always the easiest path, but it certainly is the most rewarding in the long-term for your children. It involves understanding and respecting your children's needs whenever you are making decisions about your own life. As parents move beyond divorce and start thinking about the prospect of finding new relationships, there is much to take into account.
Here are some common questions I am asked and the advice I suggest.
Is it ok to date when you're separated, or should you wait until you are legally divorced?
It's always better to take some time to prepare yourself before starting to date - legally divorced or not. Are you feeling clear and complete regarding your divorce? Are you emotionally comfortable and ready to move on? Did you learn the lessons you need to learn so you don't repeat past mistakes? Dating won't resolve anger, conflicts and insecurities, so do the inner work first before getting out into the dating world - regardless of how long it takes.
How long should you wait before introducing your "dates" to your children?
Take your time and get to know your new partner very well before introducing them to your child of any age. Children are emotionally vulnerable when new adults enter their lives, especially when they're dating Mom or Dad. Don't create a revolving door of "new friends" for your children to meet. Wait until you know this is a very special friend worthy of their attention. And then take it very slowly.
Make sure you remind your children that no one will ever replace their "real" Mom or Dad (unless you are justified in doing so). The transitions are a lot smoother when the new "friend" doesn't come across as a new "parent."
On holidays, should you make an effort to try to spend time with your ex, to create a family-holiday atmosphere for your child?
In most cases the more time Mom and Dad spend "family style" with the children, the happier the kids are. If you can include your former spouse in holiday activities - even if for only a period of time - your children will appreciate that. You are modeling behavior your kids will emulate in their own lives. Give your children the gift of peace and harmony when you and your ex are together - and make it as often as possible!
Special events, graduations, birthdays and holidays can be so much more enjoyable when the kids don't have to choose between the parents they love - and those parents behave like mature adults in their presence.
If you had a good relationship with your ex's family, should you try to stay in touch?
You are only divorcing your former spouse, not your children's grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. The more you can continue life routines as close to normal, the easier the transition for your children. Make every effort to maintain relationships with extended family on both sides. Your children will appreciate it and thank you! So will Grandma and Granddad.
How long does it take after you are divorced to start considering getting remarried?
Second marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages. That's because too many people don't learn from their experiences and errors. Take your time in exploring the lessons and "gifts" from your divorce. See a counselor or join a support group for outside insights. Enjoy the dating process. When you feel you've sincerely let go of the baggage from the past you can then consider starting another new chapter in your life.
It's the 21st Century, do you really need to be in a committed relationship to have sex?
In our culture sex is entwined with deep emotions, self-respect and security issues. Casual sex can work for a period of time, but usually not for both parties simultaneously. A committed relationship is based on trust, surrender, respect, safety, responsibility and maturity. These qualities make sex more satisfying and meaningful. People with high self-esteem usually prefer the emotional fulfillment of sex in a committed relationship. If you don't, it's worth spending time asking yourself why. You may discover some insights worth exploring more deeply.
Do you consider the children of the person you are dating as baggage, and does that necessarily have a negative connotation?
Anyone who considers their date's children as baggage should never date anyone with children. Children deserve better than to be considered an annoyance to put up with. If you're a parent, don't ever date someone who does not love and enjoy your children. The relationship will only deteriorate and you never want to have to choose between your children and your love partner. If you feel burdened by your children, seek counseling to help work through this challenge. Children are sensitive. When they pick up on your feelings it will create emotional pain and insecurity that no child deserves.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator, divorce coach and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, ezine and other valuable resources on creating a child-centered divorce, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Child-Centered Divorce News Alert: New Website, Services & More! Child-Centered Divorce News Alert!

2011-03-01T12:33:00.000-08:00

Child-Centered Divorce News Alert: New Website, Services & More!
Child-Centered Divorce News Alert!

New website! New services - lots more!

Thank you for your continuing support of the Child-Centered
Divorce Network. Because I know you care about issues related
to divorce and parenting, I wanted to update you about new
additions to our services.

1) New website: If you haven't visited our website recently
I'm proud to invite you to check out our totally revised and
easy-to-navigate updated site at http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=I.R9VfFJuUZMxH&b=apbvNRMjhqETc_sP3Sdv9w.
On this new website you'll find:

A. Easier access to my Blog: just click the BLOG button
B. New audio and video Interviews about Child-Centered
Divorce and the challenges of raising children before, during
and after a divorce: scroll down on the right-side column or
click on the MEDIA button.
C. Greatly expanded links to Child-Centered Divorce experts,
books, websites, associations and more: just click on FREE RESOURCES

2) New Coaching Services: click the COACHING button on the new
website

A. Learn about my new Mastering Child-Centered Divorce Audio
Coaching Program with Workbook and special bonuses. You'll discover
the warning signs of problems, behaviors to avoid, the path to
peaceful resolution, resources available to you, proven success
strategies, stress-reduction tips and more.
B. Personal One-on-One Coaching: talk directly to me about your
challenges via telephone (or face to face if you're in the area).
On the website under COACHING scroll down to the bottom of the
page.

To show your support for our Child-Centered Divorce Network please
visit our page on facebook and click the "Like" button at top:
facebook.com/childcentereddivorce

I also invite you to follow my tweets on Twitter. They're great
tips about the Child-Centered Divorce message coming to you daily:
twitter.com/RosalindSedacca

Again, many thanks for being part of our Network. Please spread the
word to others.

Sincere best wishes,

Rosalind Sedacca

P.S.: I welcome your feedback about my book, ezine articles and
child-centered divorce topics.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa

4 Ways to Ease the Between-Home Transitions for Your Kids

2011-02-24T11:37:00.000-08:00

4 Ways to Ease the Between-Home Transitions for Your Kids
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
During divorce proceedings parenting plans or contact schedules are usually established to create a semblance of routine in this new chapter of family life. I am a strong believer in co-parenting whenever possible to serve the best interest of your children. But it's the reality of post-divorce daily life that puts everyone to the test.
Here are 4 ways to ease the process for everyone involved.
1. Be patient with one another. Starting any new schedule in life is never easy. Chances are the between-homes transition will present a number of challenges for you as you adapt to the many responsibilities involved. At the same time, think about the challenges for your children who never signed on for this. Be especially empathic with them if they express frustration, anger and resentment at first. Also allow your children time to adjust to the "new" home after each transition. In time these changes will become just another "routine."
2. Be prepared with all information in advance. Never argue or have disagreements over drop-off and pick-up details in front of your children. Have a calendar or other device available some you and the kids can see at a glance when transitions will occur. Create a system for creating and confirming schedule data -- and use it. Know the answers before leaving home. Keep drop offs quick, simple and pleasant for the kids. Create a brief goodbye routine and send them on their way with a hug and a smile. If there are issues to discuss, talk to your ex when you're both alone at another time.
3. Be pleasant and positive. Some children feel guilty about staying at the other parent's house. They fear you'll feel lonely or abandoned. It's important to give your children permission to enjoy themselves and their time with Dad or Mom. Tell them you have much to do and will appreciate some "alone" time. Remind them you will also miss them and look forward to their return. In advance, talk to them about the fun they will have and how much their other parent wants to see them, as well. Let them know both Mom and Dad love them and deserve time with them. Never say disrespectful things about your ex before the visit or ask them to spy on your behalf. Let your children enjoy just being kids!
4. Be cooperative, flexible and understanding. Allow your children to feel free to contact their other parent -- and let that parent contact them when necessary. Never create the feeling that their Mom or Dad is the enemy who can't invade on YOUR time with the kids. Be respectful when you do check in with them - and allow the same courtesy to your ex. That is what co-parenting is all about. Sometimes plans change. Bend over backwards to accommodate your ex and more than likely they will do the same for you. This models behavior you want your children to learn anyway. Why not take the high road and be the parent you want your children to admire and emulate?
If you keep these points in mind, you will be on your way to creating and living the child-centered divorce you want for your children. You have the power to make one of the most challenging post-divorce realities - sharing time with your children - a smooth and pleasant reality. You will all benefit from the effort you make to do it right from the very beginning. So why choose any other plan?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Child-Centered Divorce: It's Never Too Late to Get it Right - for your Children!

2011-02-16T13:21:00.001-08:00

Child-Centered Divorce: It's Never Too Late to Get it Right
- for your Children!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Whether you got divorced several weeks ago or it's been several years, most of us can acknowledge that we've made some mistakes.

Perhaps we lost our tempers at an inappropriate time and watched our children painfully internalize the experience.

Maybe we referred to our ex in a rather unflattering way only to find our child get very upset and storm away in anger.

Chances are, in the heat of the divorce drama, we settled for a decision or two that we later regretted and still feel resentful. Or we made a child-related agreement that, in hindsight, was not in our child's best interest - but we don't know quite how to remedy the situation.

While some legal matters will involve only legal resolution, there are many post-divorce relationship decisions involving our children that we can remedy. And it's never too late to make amends and get it right.

If you have found that your children are suffering or hurting due to a decision you made when you were more motivated by anger than by positive parenting and are now having regrets - take action.

That can mean having a heart-to-heart with your children and apologizing for actions or statements you made that created pain in their lives. Take responsibility, own those behaviors, and humbly explain that you made an error and now want to make some changes.

That may translate into letting them spend more time with their other parent ... no longer bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids ... inviting your ex to a holiday or school event with the children ... encourage the kids to have a visit with their "other" grandparents ... you get the idea.

Perhaps it means a straight-talk conversation with your ex that opens the door to better, more cooperative communication, trust and co-parenting. Or apologizing for harsh words and insults. Yes, this can be amazingly difficult to do from an ego perspective. But when you think about how much joy it can mean to your children when they see both of their parents getting along -- it's more than worth the swallowing of your pride. Chances are your ex will swallow some too - and be receptive to working things out in a more mature manner.

If you have nothing to "own" and all the tension and mistakes rest solely on the shoulders of your ex, try approaching them in a different way, focusing exclusively on the emotional needs of the children, and reaching out a hand in peace.

There's no guarantee this will work - and we all know some certified jerks out there of both genders - but I wouldn't give up - ever! Times change, people can change, and change may be just what your family needs so you can create a better outcome for the children you love.

When you take the "high" road and model responsible, effective behavior, you are giving your children the gift of learning how to do that themselves. It's a gift that will pay off for you and them many times in the years ahead. One day your children will thank you for making things "right." They'll acknowledge you for being such a model Mom or Dad, despite the challenges you faced. And believe me, you will be proud of the parent you worked so hard to become.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide(TM) to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

5 Single Parent Strategies for Communicating with your Child's Other Parent

2011-02-10T11:22:00.000-08:00

5 Single Parent Strategies for Communicating
with your Child's Other Parent

London-based Jennifer Broadley has been a successful single parent for many years. She offers some valuable thoughts about how best to communicate with your child's other parent. While some of the phrases and word spelling is slightly different than American Engish, her sentiments are universal and worth heeding. You can learn more about Jennifer at www.successfulsingleparenting.com.

I heard a journalist say recently that "there's a vicious and respectless way of communicating that's reserved exclusively for the 'divorced with children'". Ouch, that hurt! Probably because it's so true. It doesn't have to be like that and for the sake of building a bridge with our children's other parent here are some ground-rules for practicing how to play fare. (For the sake of ease here, I'm going to assume that we're talking about divorce or separation and that the children have residence with their mum; their dad having moved to a separate home).

1. Focus on the Present and the Future
Conversations between separated Mums and Dads about the past often get heated, stressed and even dangerous. Ideally, you want to get to a point where your communication is calm and actively contributes to a positive future. If you have unresolved issues relating to your past relationship, you must find a way to process these independently to your conversations with your ex. Find a good councellor, a qualified friend or family member (i.e. they know how to keep you moving forward and are not going to spend time just agreeing with you), or an anger-management therapist - whoever it is, work through your feelings about your ex-partner in a constructive and forward-focused way in your own time.

2. Focus on the Children's Wellbeing
Remember that regardless of what you think about your child's other parent, your child loves you both and is not a pawn. Try to encourage a good relationship with their dad after he's moved away and build up the time your children spend with him to a level where everyone's happy. Initially it may be that the children just want to be in familiar surroundings for the majority of the time. Encourage and equip them to talk about how they feel and be aware not to manipulate or colour their thinking. Asking what they want is a good start, however sometimes they will have to be stretched out of their comfort zone (like they may just have to go and spend the weekend at Dad's flat) for the long-term benefit of all their relationships.

3. Give Yourself a Time Limit for Conversations
If you find that your tolerance level for being civil to your ex-partner is limited, then make sure you only talk in short blocks of time. Practice 'doing diaries' in under 10 minutes. If you feel yourself start to get anxious, then suggest that 'we look at this again next week'.

4. Get Comfortable With Not Concluding
Not all conversations about our children have to be concluded right now. Try to plan ahead when negotiating access, holidays, saving for gifts, having your children be at their friend's parties, etc. Mention ahead of time that you'd like to take the children to Cornwall, or you want to have them visit their Granny on her birthday. This will allow time for both parties to consider the benefits for the children and to consider what a compromise or re-negotiation might look like.

5. Be Respectful
Challenging though it might be, talking to your ex with respect is the best way to begin to change things for the better. I know how hard this can be - especially in the early days; but it will get easier with practice and persistence. You owe it to yourself and to your children and ultimately it will reduce anxiety and increase happiness all round.

These excellent suggestions come from the wisdom and experience of living it. Failing to understand the importance of creating a working, respectful, cooperative relationship between you and your child's other parent sets you up for pain, anxiety and frustration. Even more importantly, your child feels the stress as well and it creates emotional turmoil for them.

Two adults can't always agree on everything - especially when they've been divorced. But understanding that your child's well-being is at stake should keep you on the path toward mature compromise and productive dialogue.

If you have any thoughts to share with us on this topic, please send them along.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide(TM) to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Teen Consequences (2-4-2011)

2011-02-04T12:30:00.001-08:00

Teen Consequences (2-4-2011)
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
Teenagers who are caught misbehaving will promise to change their behavior to prevent punishment. But it’s not until they experience the consequences that they’ll actually change.
I believe in occasionally extending grace, but when teenagers overstep boundaries, it is a parent’s responsibility to enforce age-appropriate consequences. Will they like the consequences? No. Who does? But experiencing them will help teach the teen “to not go there again.”
Consequences for teenagers should focus on the loss of privileges, like grounding the car, earlier curfew, or shelving the video games. And while you may feel disappointment in them, be sure to use these times to move toward your teen, not away from them.

Help For Single Parents With Teenagers

2011-02-04T12:25:00.000-08:00

Help For Single Parents With Teenagers
One of the toughest roles anyone can have in today’s culture is that of a single parent. It’s hard enough to rear a child—especially a teenager—with two parents; but with one the burdens and pressures and problems multiply. My hat is off to every single parent. But more than praise for the difficulty of their task, I know from talking to so many of them that they need someone to walk with them and encourage them.
In almost every case, a single parent is walking down a road they didn’t plan to be on. They started with two parents, but something happened—death, divorce, abandonment—and now they are struggling to fill two roles that their children desperately need. They are trying to do an already difficult task without all of the resources they need. (If you know a single parent, go to them and find ways to encourage them. They won’t always know how to ask for the help they need, so take the initiative yourself.)
Practical Steps
There aren’t any easy answers. There isn’t a magic verse of Scripture that will fix all your problems. There isn’t one “cure all” that will remove all of the challenges that a single parent faces. But there are some practical steps that can offer help and hope in this very difficult job.
1) Hold firm to what you believe. Set rules and boundaries for your child and establish the consequences ahead of time. Don’t make the mistake of giving up on those standards because you are tired or discouraged. It is quite common for the other parent who is gone not to be supportive of your efforts as a parent—hold firm anyhow. Don’t allow that discouragement and the lack of positive feedback and support to make you give up.
2) Don’t be too lenient. Yes, your teens are missing something by not having both parents in their lives. You will not make things better by allowing that to be their excuse to get away with damaging and destructive behavior. You can’t “make it up to them” by letting them use your sympathy for them as a “get out jail free” card that allows them to do whatever they want.
3) Don’t lose sight of the value of time. One of the biggest impacts of single parenting is the economic impact. Most single parent families have a harder time making ends meet. I understand that you will have to work, perhaps longer and harder than before. But spending one on one time with your teens, asking them questions and letting them ask you questions is more important in this setting than ever before. Make time for your kids.
4) Find a source of input and encouragement. In a two-parent home, each parent gets feedback and input from the other. Ideas can be exchanged and one can pick up the slack of the other or fill in when one needs a rest. In the absence of that, find a group or an individual that understands your situation and can give you encouragement and good advice on the extra challenges you face as a single parent. Find someone — an extended family member or a sitter — to fill in for you once or twice a week, to give you time away to recharge your batteries. And don’t forget to take time to pray and meditate on God’s Word on a daily basis.
My friend Michael Card likens single parenting to a wilderness experiences. He says, “When you’re out there alone and isolated, it can be a little scary not knowing where you are or where to go. But when you’re out there with your kids, it’s terrifying. They are looking to you for guidance and direction, and though you would desperately like for someone to have kept you out of that situation in the first place, you have to be the leader and make sure they make it out safe and sound.”
But Michael also offers this hope for parents caught up in wilderness experiences, “Times in the wilderness can teach us to trust in God. The origin of the word ‘worship’ is worth-ship. So, people who go through those experiences in the wilderness come to learn His worth and therefore they learn to truly worship and trust Him even more.”
I find that so true. Though most of us don’t voluntarily choose wilderness experiences (like being a single parent), they can be times of great growth both in our relationship with God and with our children. Are you looking to God to give you strength, or are you trying to go it alone?
Caught in a Tug of War
I talked recently to a single mom named Sheri. She faces the very common dilemma of having established a set of rules and boundaries for her kids, but her former husband’s parenting style is very different. Instead of being an authority for their children, he tries to be a friend to them. I’m sure it won’t come as any shock to you that their teenage son prefers to avoid responsibility and accountability if he can.
I asked Sheri how that played out in her parenting. She said, “It’s very tough. He [their son] chooses to spend most of his time with his dad because he would rather be without the rules. I feel like our son is like the rope in a tug of war. That’s the thing that I never wanted to happen—but he is caught between two parents who love him but parent differently. I keep trying to let go so he is not torn between two directions.”
Sheri wants to do what is best for her son, yet in some ways she is being penalized for trying to do things right. That’s not an easy thing to deal with. You never want to back off from doing right in order to have a better relationship with your child. (By the way, most of the time this is the pattern that we see in divorce situations—the mom is trying to hold the line firm while the dad lets the kids get away with murder so they will “like him.”)
Don’t Give Up
Though it’s very hard advice, I encouraged Sheri to never give up; trust in the Lord and keep praying. There are times when you can’t fix things and you have to hunker down and deal with them. Remember, even though you don’t see the results right away, God will honor your stand for what’s right.
You may be familiar with the story of Eric Liddell which was told in the move Chariots of Fire. Liddell, the son of Scottish missionaries, was one of the premier track runners in the world. He refused to run the 100 meter dash in the 1924 Olympics because the qualifying race was held on a Sunday. Though the 100 was his best event, a few days later Liddell won the gold medal in the 400 meter dash–a race he hadn’t prepared to run. Clutched in his hand he had a note given him by an American runner with the words “Them that honor Me I will honor” (1 Samuel 2:30) written on it.
Whatever you do, don’t give up! The effort is worth the cost, and your children will be far better off because you loved them enough to do what was right and best for them.
By the way, we talk about this issue in-depth on our radio program last weekend titled “Help for Single Parents.” Listen online here (or look for the program at www.parentingtodaysteens.org).
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173.
Get the help you need with your teenager, directly from Mark. Learn about our Families in Crisis Conference, February 17-19.

Ownership of Rules (2-3-2011)

2011-02-04T12:24:00.000-08:00

Ownership of Rules (2-3-2011)
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
As you develop boundaries for your kids, I encourage you to make it a family project.
When you get your family together to develop boundaries, first outline what you believe the behavior in your home should be like. Then, develop age-appropriate rules to support such behavior. Let your children help you come up with consequences for breaking the rules. This will give them “ownership” for them and they’ll always know in advance what consequences they’ll face.
Then, be sure not to undermine it all by caving in and making exceptions when they break the rules. Nothing can be more damaging to your ability to enforce rules and improve behavior in your home than to make consequences a “maybe proposition.”

Divorcing & Divorced Parents -- Keep the Kids out of your Conflict!

2011-02-02T12:39:00.001-08:00

Divorcing & Divorced Parents -- Keep the Kids out of your Conflict!
When children get caught up in their parent's divorce conflicts, serious problems can develop that must be avoided at all costs. Regardless of your feelings about your ex or soon-to-be-former spouse, it is essential to keep that from your children.
Here are some excellent tips and advice offered by James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas. Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri.
Parents who are either in the middle of a divorce, thinking about divorce, or already divorced should pay careful attention to the following ways that parents put their children directly in the middle of the conflict, and do their best to avoid them!
1. Bad Mouthing
One of the most hurtful things a divorce parent can do to a child is to criticize the child's other parent in the child's presence. Statements such as "Your father caused our divorce", or "if it weren't for your mother, we'd still be a family," are common examples of "bad-mouthing"
2. Forcing a Child to Choose
It is harmful to pressure a child to "take sides" in a dispute between the divorced parents. Children have a right to their own thoughts and feelings about the divorce and deserve to know they will be loved by both parents regardless of the opinions and feelings they have. If parents are in conflict over custody or children are facing a decision about which home to live in, outside professionals should be called upon for help.
3. Spying
A parent who asks a child questions about the other parent's personal life is asking that child to become involved in the parents' conflicts. Children in this situation may end up feeling they have betrayed a parent they love.
4. Making the Child the Messenger
Parents make their children do a parent's job when they ask their children to carry messages to the other parent. Children learn indirect ways to communicate when asked to be messengers and may feel guilt over having to assume adult responsibilities for their parents' communication.
5. Sabotaging the Child's Routine
When parents fail to give a child medication, fail to follow through on discipline imposed by the other parent, or bend rules on bed-time, diet, or curfews out of anger for the other parent, they are involving the child in parental conflicts. Conflicted parents frequently take their children to medical professionals without consulting the other parents as a way of acting out unresolved divorce disputes. This practice places parental conflict above the child's medical well-being.
6. Compensating for the Other Parent's Failures
One divorced parent may view the other parent as a poor parent for being "too lenient," "too strict," "too involved," or "not involved enough." Such parents often try to compensate for the other parent's "failures" by being the opposite kind of parent. Children in such situations suffer by not having parents who are using a balanced approach to rearing children.
7. Making a Popularity Contest of Parenthood
A parent may try to win the affection of a child out of fear that the child favors the other parent. Such parents go overboard to "be nice" or refrain from being firm with their children. Children suffer in these situations by not having the advantage of a parent who is acting in the proper role of authority figure.
8. Being an Accomplice to Whining
A parent may allow a child to complain about the other parents without helping the child see a more balanced view of the other parent. If the parent either passively accepts the complaint or fails to urge the children to take up these grievances with the other parent they subtly encourage children to use indirect communication as a way of managing conflict.
9. Child Abuse Allegations
It is becoming common for conflicting parents to express their hostilities by making unfounded allegations of child abuse. For children the consequences of these allegations are negative and far-reaching. Children are drawn into evaluations, investigations, and court testimony which greatly increase the risk of prolonged confusion, hurt, and anger.
10. Custody Fights
Some parents pursue custody fights when they know perfectly well that the real reason for the custody action is to be vindictive. Children experience custody battles between their parents as extremely stressful.
11. Child Support
Parents too often use child support by withholding it, demanding more, or making payments late when the real motivation is to perpetuate a dispute with the former spouse. In many homes children suffer directly when child support payments are not made regularly or when conflict is expressed indirectly in this way.
12. Using Noble Ideas to Hide Double Standards
A custodial parent might say "I want her to make her own decisions" when a child refused to visit the non-custodial parent but strictly enforce curfews when the same child wants to stay out late. A custodial parent might say "He has the right to his own feelings" if a child says critical things about his non-custodial parent but lecture and browbeat the same child for "talking back" at home. Children are sensitive to inconsistencies. They react to them with mistrust and cynicism.
If you are even slightly falling into one of these traps, your children's sense of well-being, confidence and security are being threatened. Take a few minutes to do an inner search with yourself. If you are guilty of slipping into any of these abusive strategies, rethink your behavior and start making amends. Talk to a professional counselor or coach for additional support and advice. Your children will thank you when they are grown!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide(TM) to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

I Want Control! (2-1-2011)

2011-02-02T10:28:00.001-08:00

I Want Control! (2-1-2011)
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
When teenagers say to me, “I want control over my own life!” I tell them, “Hallelujah! Your parents want the same thing – but like everything else in life, it must be within certain boundaries.”
Boundaries aren’t handcuffs; they actually give a teenager more control, since they know how far they can go. For instance, I’ve always thought that what a teen wears should be their own choice, but as soon as their clothing becomes immodest, they are stepping over the modesty boundary. Or, if it breaks the school’s dress code, they are stepping over the school’s boundaries.
Fact is, even adults have certain moral, legal and societal boundaries, so teens need to get accustomed to living within them.
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Learn about our February FAMILIES IN CRISIS RETREAT here (or go to www.familycrisisconference.com).

A Plea to Divorced Parents ... Be Honest With Yourself

2011-01-26T13:16:00.000-08:00

A Plea to Divorced Parents ... Be Honest With Yourself

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

South African Wellness Counselor, Nadia Thonnard of Inner Minds Counseling, is a strong proponent of child-centered divorce. She brings great sensitivity to this issue because she not only provides counseling services to clients, she has experienced the sting of divorce in her own life. Her advice to others comes from personal experience as well as professional expertise.

Recently Nadia entered a personal blog post that I want to share with the child-centered divorce community. Read it below followed by my own response.

I get quite a few letters which start by saying that the spouse left one day, without prior warning. Meaning no disrespect, when I read those I can't help but have a smile on my face. This is not because I find it funny but because this is exactly what I said when my husband left me and our 2 children, after 20 years, one morning...without prior warning.

Why I'm raising this and why I'm using this title will hopefully bring some insight.

If you are honest with yourself, you will be able to acknowledge that some "warning" signs were there already, for some quite a while back, and therefore, the day they left was only the result of the accumulation of all these previous warning signs.

Think back on all the times that you felt something was not going 100%. You may say that things are not always 100%, but the reality is, these are warning signs, whether we decide to act on them or not.

Most of us haven't been raised with the knowledge of how to tune in to our emotions, let alone in someone else's emotions. So be honest and allow yourself to remember some of those "warning" signs.

Become aware of some moments you chose, perhaps and most probably unconsciously, to brush them off. Add them up. Does the fatal moment still look like ...one day, without prior warning?

Hope this brings some light.
Your comments/feedback are, as always, welcome.

Lots of Love
Nadia

This is how I replied to her post:

Thanks for this important message, Nadia. I applaud your talking about this topic. What you suggest we do -- the inner work -- moves us from being victims in our lives. It gives us control over tomorrow and our entire future -- which is essential if we are to grow and create better times ahead.

This can be a tough step to take -- accepting responsibility for understanding how we came to this point in our lives -- but it is also a valuable step in the right direction. Letting go of victimhood can lead to personal empowerment, greater self-esteem and the confidence to know we are the creators in our life from this day forward.

Perhaps that is the true "gift" we can receive from the pain of divorce.

We cannot move forward when we are focused on looking behind us. Is it time to let go of some of the blame and anger so you can reframe your life in the direction you want to take it? I sincerely hope so.

If you'd like to share your wisdom on how you took steps toward personal empowerment during or after your divorce, we would all appreciate your contribution.

Wishing bright futures to you all,

Rosalind

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love. For her free articles, blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

Talking Points

2011-01-26T11:27:00.001-08:00

Talking Points (1-26-2011)

PODCAST SCRIPT:
It’s a mistake to think that your teen or even your preteen isn’t wanting to talk about issues that you might consider to be beyond their years.
Parents can too easily avoid talking about sensitive issues, even if their children bring them up. It’s common for a parent of a preteen to say, “You shouldn’t even think about that at your age,” but they are thinking about it, so it does need to be talked about.
Studies show that kids do want to talk to their parents about issues that are troubling them. So be sure they know you are always open to do so. If not, the only perspective they’ll gain on such issues will be from television, their peers and the internet.

Connection After Correction (1-24-2011)

2011-01-25T10:55:00.000-08:00

Connection After Correction (1-24-2011)
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
Parents are likely to discipline their teenager and walk away. But I find that correction without connection can lead to contempt.
When you discipline, if you fail to make an effort to also connect with your teen, the correction can seem arbitrary and mean. Unless your teen understands that correction is for their own good, they’ll just become angry with you, not themselves, for having to be corrected.
So take a minute to remind your teen of the reasoning behind your rules. Reinforce that similar discipline is in store each time they break the rules. Assure them that you wish they didn’t have to be corrected, and that you know they can do better. That way, even times of discipline can strengthen your relationship.
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Too Much Negativity (1-20-2011)

2011-01-20T11:40:00.000-08:00

Too Much Negativity (1-20-2011)
(Click title to listen)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
Teens can be pretty negative and moody. But isn’t that normal?
As teens become more independent, they may act like they are rebelling, when they really aren’t. In fact, they may question everything you’ve taught them, and display a certain amount of increased assertiveness, opinionating, complaining, secretiveness, stubbornness, and being critical about their parents or other authorities. They may also have some forgetfulness, mood swings, giddiness, and make poor decisions. As annoying as this can be to parents, it is actually quite normal for teenagers.
But this negative phase is usually temporary. Most kids get safely on the other side, where they will again see the wisdom of their parent’s beliefs, especially as they begin to deal with life on their own.

What to Tell your Spouse Before You Tell the Kids -- about the Divorce!

2011-01-19T13:04:00.001-08:00

What to Tell your Spouse
Before You Tell the Kids -- about the Divorce!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Ever go on a vacation without making plans in advance? The consequences are usually disastrous. If you fail to plan ahead regarding newspaper and mail delivery, feeding your pets or watering the plants, knowing where your destination is and reserving your accommodations, your vacation is likely to be filled with disappointment, frustration and even heartache.

What about preparing your children for your pending divorce? Do you have a plan - or are you going to wing it without any prior thought? For children, divorce is a monumental life experience for which they have no preparation. The very foundation of their security - their love for Mom and Dad - is being thrown into turmoil. Everything they knew and accepted as part of routine daily life is going to be affected in one way or another. They don't know what to expect and have little source of comfort other than their parents who are announcing the devastating news.

How can you help your children through this process? First, sit down face to face and talk to your children's other parent, as if their lives depended on it. Regardless of your involvement with attorneys or other legal resources, this should be a conversation between two parents who love their children and want the best outcome for them.

Agree to set aside the emotional drama of your feelings for one another at this time ... the hurt, anger, resentment, jealousy, competition, frustration, regret ... and focus on just one issue: How will we tell our children about the divorce?
1. Put yourselves in your children's shoes.

Picture each of your children and talk to each other about how each child is likely to feel and react to the news. Put yourselves in their shoes and feel their emotions with deep compassion. You know your children. Discuss their ages and personalities. Are they likely to blame themselves ... erupt in anger ... beg you to stay together ... want to run away and hide? Find a place of agreement and be prepared with the most comforting words and reassurances that will resonate with each child.
2. Remind them they are not at fault.

Many children feet responsible in some way for their parent's relationship problems and divorce. They need reassurance, again and again, that the problem is not about them - even if you've been fighting about parenting issues. Assure them it's not their behavior that caused your conflict - and there is nothing they can do to make things different. You can say something like, "Mom and Dad have been having problems. We don't agree about certain key issues and that creates conflict. So we are going to make some changes, but none of this is your fault and never was."
3. Reassure them that Mom and Dad will always be their parents.

Your children need to understand two things at this time. Mom and Dad will always love them - and will always be their parents. It is important to emphasize that no matter what changes occur over the weeks, months and years ahead, Mom and Dad will still always be their real parents and no one else will replace them. Tell them you both will always be there for them, no matter where you live or how things should change.

You can say, "No matter what happens, no matter what changes occur, one thing is for certain. Mom and Dad will always love you. That will never change. Regardless of where we live, what we do and how old you get. You can count on that. And don't ever forget it." Make sure you live up to that in the arrangements you will be making.
4. Focus on change, not on blame.

Divorce is a scary word. It is wise at this time to talk to your children about change as a natural part of life. "Everything in life keeps changing. You grow bigger, stronger and smarter every year. The seasons change. You change grades and schools as you get older. Change means things will be different in some ways. It doesn't mean things will be bad. Often change can make things better, and that's what Mom and Dad want to do."

Explain that it can take time for us to get used to changes, like starting a new grade with a new teacher. Other times change gives us a chance to do things in a new and better way, like trying a new sport or a hobby you grow to love.

Mention that the changes in our family are not about who's right or wrong or who's good or bad. "Mom and Dad both tried their best to resolve our problems. The old way didn't work for us and now we will be trying a new way for our family to live so there's more peace, calmness and happiness for us all. Let's think about how we can see the changes ahead as a new adventure -- a brand new chapter in our lives. It may not only be different - it may be better!"
5. Your reassurance is essential..

Children are often frightened when faced with new experiences - and divorce is a monumental challenge for them to grasp. Keep reminding your children that everything will be okay. "Mom and Dad are working on all the details so you don't have to worry about anything because Mom and Dad have it all under control."

This isn't the time to go into a lot of specifics. You may not have many answers yourselves. Keep the message very generic. "We'll have new ways of doing some things ... some new responsibilities ... some differences in our schedules. But life will go on. We will get used to the differences. Some of them we may even prefer. And after a while, we'll look back and say, life is different than it used to be, but it's all okay. Mom and Dad are okay, you're all okay, our family is okay and we still love each other. And that's most important of all!"

Ideally both Mom and Dad should tell the children together and agree in advance about the messages you are conveying. If you're having the conversation alone, you must stay neutral and not talk disrespectfully about the other parent that your children still love. Focus on your children's feelings and reactions. Respond compassionately in the best way you can.

These core messages are the foundation your children will depend on when they are feeling frightened, sad or insecure. Repeat them often in your own words and your own style. You'll be rewarded in countless ways as you and your children encounter and overcome the challenges of life after divorce.

* * * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Acclaimed by divorce professionals around the world, the book provides age-appropriate fill-in-the-blank templates that guide parents in creating a unique family storybook with personal photographs as an ideal way to break the news to their children. For more details, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Off The Hook (1-17-2011)

2011-01-18T12:45:00.000-08:00

Off The Hook (1-17-2011)
(Click title or enclosure to listen to this program)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
Teens can have a hard time saying “No” to their friends, so it helps them to have someone else to blame for not being able to participate.
Most kids do understand what’s not good for them, but they have a hard time turning down their peers. That’s where parents come in. You can be the fall guy and excuse for your teen to get out of something they really didn’t want to do anyway. Your saying “No” to their request will actually give them the out they needed with their friends. Oh, they may act disgruntled in front of their friends, but if your rules are fair, they will actually appreciate your decision, and appreciate you for taking the heat for it.

From the Mouths of Our Children

2011-01-13T11:13:00.000-08:00

From the Mouths of Our Children

A wonderful reminder of what your children are thinking.
Shared with the Child-Centered Divorce Network by Moreah Ragusa
Author of The New Divorce Paradigm
[moreah@moreahragusa.com]

I watch and listen to you, and you shape my life, and all my future relationships
I see what you do and it impacts me more than what you say
I once believed and may still believe that you are the greatest human on Earth
I can't really imagine living without you
I feel negated when it seems as though my feelings are not as important as your anger is -- if I don't do what you want.
I have all the feeling you have -- I just don't have the words to share them.
I want to feel important and valued even when you are mad at me
I imagine a life filled with wonder and possibilities
I am the only chance you have to practice becoming the parent you wanted to have
I aspire to be like you
I believe you can handle anything because you are my parent
I love to see your eyes sparkle when I walk into your sight
I appreciate that you try to make me happy, and protect me from sadness
And lastly...You are the parent I want to be loved by -- because I so love you!

Learn more about the Child-Centered Divorce Network, created to help parents make the best decisions on behalf of their children before, during and after a divorce: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To learn about Rosalind Sedacca's acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? visit www.howdoitellthekids.com.

8095 Popash Court
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
Usa

Pets Help Families Through Divorce

2011-01-13T11:12:00.000-08:00

Pets Help Families Through Divorce: Here are 6 Reasons Why
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Can a pet be helpful to your children during a divorce and the transition after? In my opinion, without a doubt! If your family has one or more pets, let your children have access to them as much as they desire. There is a great emotional benefit to them and your children are fortunate that the pets they love can still be in their lives.

If you don't already have a pet, I recommend getting one - but only if you are in a position to be responsible to that innocent animal during this time of additional stress in your life. If a family pet is out of the question, please consider giving your children time to play with the pets of friends and family. Take them to petting zoos. Allow them contact with other life forms that can give them joy at a time when they are likely experiencing stress and insecurity.

In the United States alone, close to 65%, or about 71 million households have pets. Statistics from the National Pet Owners Survey say 39% of these households own at least one dog and 34% one or more cats. This should come as no surprise since pets can be a blessing in the life of any human being at any age.

Here are six key benefits a pet provides for families coping with divorce:

1. Unconditional Love: It has been proven again and again that pets are a source of support and unconditional love for children. During and after divorce, when there is so much instability and insecurity in a child's life, a beloved pet can be the bridge to sanity. While much around them may be changing, sweet Fluffy is still there to love them and be by their side.

2. A confidant. Children like to talk to their pets. For most children pets are a trusted friend in which they can confide and share their deepest fears. This is truly a gift to children and greatly helps with emotional resiliency. Pets are nonjudgmental. They listen attentively. They "understand," And they always love you back. Isn't that what your children need at a time like this?

3. Security. Pets have been shown to help children better cope with challenging times within a family including divorce, illness and death. They feel less alone and abandoned. The relationship with the pet provides a deep sense of security that can't easily be duplicated. In early childhood a stuffed animal often serves much the same purpose. But kids rarely outgrow their bond with Fluffy, even when they mature into their teens.

4. Bridge to adults. Pets can bridge the emotional and communication gap between adults and children - especially when Mom and Dad are preoccupied with so many other time-consuming details during and after a divorce. They are a valued part of the family, a source of calm as the family moves through the storm of post-divorce transition.

5. Stress Reduction. Medical studies have shown that pets are just as beneficial for adults. Walking and talking to your dog or petting your cat can actually lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels, not to mention overall stress. Pets also are a great source of laughter and joy, a reminder that there are other aspects of life that are still wonderful to experience.

6. Best Friend. Pets also provide unconditional love, nurturing and comfort to adults who greatly need it as they transition through the grief of divorce. They're a best friend when you're alone and an appreciative ear when you want to vent or shed tears.

Connecting to other life forms is also a wonderful way to get a perspective about our place in the universe and our responsibilities toward others. When life can feel life it's crashing in around us it is valuable to remember we share this planet with other beings who depend on us for love, sustenance and nurturing as well
.
* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love. For her free articles, blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

If your teenager is near the dating years,

2011-01-13T11:10:00.001-08:00

PODCAST SCRIPT:
If your teenager is near the dating years, it’s a good exercise to let them come up with dating rules.
I’ve found that most kids can be pretty realistic when they are asked to come up with their own rules. So, before your teen goes out on their first date, have them come up with rules like the time for curfew and what to do if things get out of hand. Have them prepare their own list of dos and don’ts, and their own consequences for breaking those rules. Make adjustments as needed. Then, each time they go out on a date, remind them of the rules.
When a teen has input and feels ownership for their own rules, they tend to remember and follow them better.

Getting Control of Teen Anger

2011-01-10T12:17:00.000-08:00

Weekly tips for parents of teenagers from Mark Gregston and Heartlight Ministries Foundation
Getting Control of Teen Anger

Whether angry at the world, angry at America, or just a psychopath, 22-year-old Jared Lee Loughner struck out with homicidal anger this past weekend in Tucson, taking the lives of six and critically wounding Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords. It has become an all too common scene; younger individuals expressing anger by snuffing out the lives of others in public places.
Whenever such tragic events occur, I receive phone calls from parents wondering if their child may be the next news headline, since their teen also seems angry all the time, listens to the same music, smokes the same dope, wears the same clothes, or has other similarities. I assure them that teens don’t become homicidal just because they are angry or because they have the same interests as the latest mass-murderer. Barring mental illness or being hyped up on alcohol or drugs, most kids wouldn’t think of hurting another individual, let alone taking a life. (In any event, it does make sense to keep guns locked away from any teen who is expressing anger or is exhibiting depression).
In any event, teen anger must be dealt with or it will grow. It can be expressed in many different ways. It can be hot, physical and vengeful, or it can be cold, isolating and calculating. Whatever form anger takes, dealing with it begins with understanding what anger is and what causes it.
With teens, anger is usually an emotional response to not getting something wanted, or losing something once held dear. I’m not talking about anger over not getting material things, like the latest video game or a later curfew. What I’m talking about is a deeper anger over unfulfilled needs and wants, which usually happens when something of value is lost. For instance, a girl being angry because she was taken advantage of physically, so she’s lost a sense of self and self-respect in the process. Or, the more common situation of a child who is angry with one or both biological parents for their divorce and the split-up of the family.
Teens are especially attuned to injustice—real or perceived. Some can become angry just because they are starting to face the realization that life isn’t going to give them everything they want. For instance, while Jared Loughner obviously had mental illness and was known to use illegal drugs, he recently had some significant losses in his life, including being kicked out of college and rejected from the military. He was also convinced that the world would end in 2012, so his perceived future was bleak.
Anger is a symptom that is expressed through behavior, not the issue itself. The teenager may not even know why they are angry, but finding out what is missing or lost in their life is the key to dealing with it. When you take time to peel back the layers and get to the heart of the matter, you may uncover the real issue that is causing it to boil to the surface. Often this isn’t something a parent can do very effectively because they are somehow involved or implicated in the loss, so a trained counselor may need to be involved. And by the way, it never helps for the parents to become angry themselves; that’s extremely counter-productive to helping the teen get past their own anger.
Wise parents or counselors will spend time talking through and dissecting what is making the teenager angry. Asking questions like “What are you thinking about when you have these feelings of anger?” is better than asking “Why are you so angry all the time?” It changes the interaction from one of blame to one of interest. The goal should be to create an environment for solutions; one that welcomes the child, and makes sure they aren’t afraid to express their true emotions in an acceptable manner.
It’s okay to be angry. In fact scripture says, “Be angry…”, but it also says, “…but don’t sin.” (Ephesians 4:26) So, it is important to manage the behavioral side of a teenager’s anger while dealing with the emotional site. Teens can become very volatile, even violent at times; but physical and disrespectful outbursts cannot be allowed. A parent must draw and hold firm lines as to what behavior will and will not be tolerated. They may need to say, “If you’re angry, I’m okay with that. But if you become disrespectful, we will end this conversation until you can calm down. If you become physical, I will have you arrested.” The feelings they are suffering can seem very real to them, but it does not give them license to strike out.
Anger in Real Life
We once had a young lady at Heartlight named Sarah who came to us because of her anger issues. You see, the day she turned six, her father, a state trooper, was working an extra shift. Running late for her birthday party, he was hurrying home when he had a fatal car accident. Her mother later remarried and life went on, but several years later when Sarah became a teenager she began resenting her step-father and she became a very angry young girl.
She expressed her anger to her step-dad in hostile words and rebellion against his authority. It wasn’t that her step-dad was a bad guy, but the absence of her real dad from her life made her angry at the man who was there in his place. When she began to really understand death as a teenager, she didn’t know how to appropriately deal with her dad’s death–something she also blamed herself for since he was rushing home to attend her birthday party when it happened. The loss of her dad will always be with her, but Sarah has learned how to properly deal with the emotions she feels because of it.
We’ve also dealt with a number of other young people at Heartlight over the years who expressed their anger by running away. It’s important to distinguish between whether they were running away from something or running to something. Teens who run away from home often do so out of frustration. It’s hard, but parents of such runaways may need to step back and look at the way they respond to their teenager when they exhibit anger. The focus mustn’t solely be on eliminating the expression of anger—the symptom—or the real problem will never be resolved. Like a pressure-cooker, the heat is still on and the pressure grows. In fact, they may feel like they are literally going to explode physically, as well as emotionally. The only way they know to deal with it and relieve the pressure is to go somewhere else to reduce the heat.
Letting Off Steam
It’s never productive to simply put a stopper on anger—if you do, it will manifest itself somewhere else. As long as the underlying issue remains, those emotions must be dealt with in some fashion. When my dad told me, “Wipe that attitude out of your head right now,” it was nearly impossible for me to do so. I learned to smile and say “OK” but the anger was still there…and it always came out in other areas of my life.
Help your teen understand what is acceptable when it comes to expressing anger. And help them find appropriate ways to deal with their emotions, giving them ways to let off steam. We had a young man at Heartlight many years ago who had serious anger issues. I gave him an old golf club and told him to go out and beat on a tree when he felt like he couldn’t handle things any more. It gave him a way to dissipate his anger without hurting himself or anyone else while we worked with him to understand and process the truly awful things that had happened to him.
Don’t Disregard the Anger Warning Sign
Wise parents look at anger as a warning sign. If you see anger in a place you don’t expect it, it is an indication that there is something going on that you don’t know about that needs to be dealt with. Dig until you find it. Don’t let it go, because it will keep causing behavioral trouble until the underlying issue is dealt with.
Remember, behavior can be managed by consequences, but feelings are much deeper. When you tell a child not to feel a certain way; like saying, “Quit acting so angry all the time,” they don’t see how that is possible. But when you help them deal with the real issue that is causing the angry behavior, it instills a sense of hope. Getting at the root of the problem and finding strategies for working through it gives them a path they can follow, and a way to move on…past the anger.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our half-hour radio program last weekend. Follow the link below to hear it now online.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas.
LISTEN NOW: To hear our half-hour radio program on the topic of “Teen Anger,” listen online here (or look for the program at www.parentingtodaysteens.org).
• Email to a friend •

Teen Troubles Can Ignite Marital Troubles

2011-01-06T12:45:00.000-08:00

Weekly tips for parents of teenagers from Mark Gregston and Heartlight Ministries Foundation
Teen Troubles Can Ignite Marital Troubles

Famed humorist and author Mark Twain once said, “When a child turns 13, put them in a box. Cut a hole in the box to pass in food and water. When they turn 16, plug up the hole.” Unfortunately, teen troubles aren’t that easy to solve, and they can strain all of the relationships in the family . . . especially the parent’s marriage.
I received an email not long ago from a desperate grandmother who is rearing her teenage granddaughter. She told me, “She has always been hard to handle, but lately she has been getting out of hand. She is angry, disrespectful and mean. We’ve tried counseling and different parenting techniques, without success. Now, our marriage is on the brink of divorce.”
Did you notice how she immediately shifted from talking about her granddaughter’s issues, to mentioning how it is affecting her own marriage? I hear it all the time — and I see it on the faces of parents who bring their child to us at Heartlight. The stress and strain of dealing with a difficult child bent on self-destruction is more than most marriages can bear. The teen invariably pits the parents against each other and the parents begin blaming each other, or they conflict over the how to “fix” their child. It can and does tear families apart.
The worst thing that can happen for your teenager is for your family and marriage to crumble. Mom and dad need to protect their marriage, above all else. In fact, it is more important than just about anything the parents can do to help their child.
If you are struggling with your teen, make the commitment today that you will do whatever you have to do to protect or reestablish your marital relationship — even if it means removing your teen from your home for a time to give your relationship a rest. Your marriage needs to be your highest priority at this time.
Prescription for a Healthy Marriage Amidst Teen Troubles
1) See the experience as something you must manage together. A problem with a teen is simply something you are not going to be able to handle properly if there are divisions between you. Use the strengths of both husband and wife to deal with the situation.
2) Share your feelings. Honestly express the strains you are feeling because of what is happening. Don’t take an expression of pain from your spouse as an attack on you as a person or as a parent.
3) Present a united front to your teen. Sit down and talk to your teen together. Make it clear to them that the “Napoleon Strategy” of divide and conquer will not work. Lay out clear guidelines for how you will deal with problems together.
4) Don’t expect your spouse to fill the void. When a close relationship you enjoyed with a younger child is disrupted, do not turn to your spouse and place the responsibility on them to fill your expectations and pick up the slack.
5) Don’t expect your spouse to change. My wife and I spent a year and half in counseling together. One of the things that gave us the most help was being told to quit trying to change each other. It made our life immensely better.
6) Don’t blame each other for the problem. Since none of us is perfect, something your spouse did or failed to do may have contributed to the problem with the teen. The past cannot be changed; it is detrimental to try to fix blame for it.
7) Don’t avoid the pain. As the old saying goes, “Denial is not just a river in Egypt.” Trying to pretend like there isn’t anything wrong is a recipe for disaster. Honestly face the situation and plan your response to it with your eyes wide open.
Build in fun times together. Even though you’re struggling you still can enjoy good things in life. Do things with your teen and with each other. It keeps the spark of hope burning and reminds you that things can and will get better. Don’t let the fire go out!
The point is this, spend extra time together and keep working not just on your child’s problems, but on your own relationship as well. Take breaks away from the the kids and from talking about your teen’s problems. Don’t forsake your friends, hobbies or fun things in life. Your teen needs to see that they aren’t “winning” the battle by causing you to mope around or become hermits so you can keep your eye on them.
If you aren’t together and your marriage strong, your teen will know it…and use it against you. I’ve had parents say to me, “We just can’t see eye to eye.” My reply is, “Then get counseling and fix it.” Don’t let pride keep you from doing what your kids—and your marriage—need. All of us need guidance and direction to not only help us get to where we want to go, but also to keep from the places we never thought we would end up. Even Jan and I had to get counseling for a period of time, and it helped a lot.
If your teen sees his parents working through their problems with each other and with a counselor, it will give him hope that his situation can be resolved as well. It will give validity to their own need for a counselor, should it come to that. Don’t be afraid to share some of those struggles with him in the context of working toward a solution. “We’re going to remain strong even when don’t agree” gives the child license to see struggle and still be loved and accepted.
Tackle your own marital struggles and disagreements first, with a bedrock commitment to respect and unity, and you’ll give your teen a powerful example to follow. My friend DeeDee Mayer says that one of the great benefits of marriage is: “To know and be known as a human being and be loved anyway.” Extend that same benefit to your teen and make sure they know it as well.
Preventive Care
When I was a kid, people weren’t worried about skin cancer very much. You didn’t see moms at the beach slathering their kids with all different kinds of sunscreen or afraid to let them go outside to play. None of us knew what “SPF” was. Now we do. The purpose of sunscreen is to prevent something serious from happening later on. In the same way, you can…and should…apply sunscreen to your relationship well before the problems start.
We’ve had over 2500 kids come live with us at Heartlight over the past twenty years. Almost every parent has said something like this to me: “We never knew that our child was going to struggle like this,” or, “Our child seemingly changed overnight.” Those families weren’t prepared for what hit them, and for many, it led to difficulty in their marriage and even divorce.
Parents who are approaching the teen years would be wise to prepare ahead of time—ensuring that they are on the same page and the foundations of their marriage are strong. They’ll start taking steps today to guard their marriage from the problems that can come during the teen years. And for those who are in the midst of teen struggles now, they’d be wise to turn their attention toward their marriage first, and that will be the start of healing for the whole family, including their teen.
We talked about this issue in-depth on our half-hour radio program last weekend. Follow the link below to hear it now online.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential program for struggling adolescents located in East Texas.
LISTEN NOW: To hear our half-hour radio program on this topic, listen online here (or look for the program at www.parentingtodaysteens.org).

Parents can tend to “pour on” criticism in the teen years,

2011-01-06T12:44:00.000-08:00

Parents can tend to “pour on” criticism in the teen years, especially when their teenager responds with a scowl, a turned back or a shrugged shoulder.
Constant criticism may be one of the greatest failings of otherwise caring and concerned parents, since it can lead an already introspective adolescent to exasperation and lifelong self-consciousness.
While an overly criticized teen may act defensively or like they don’t care, they really do take it to heart. In fact, to them each criticism might feel like a slap in the face.
So take care how you criticize your teen. Avoid criticizing their tastes, desires, decisions or physical attributes. Stop the cycle of criticism, since it tends to be something that’s learned and passed on from generation to generation.
by Mark Gregston

5 Ways to Safeguard Your Children During and After Divorce

2011-01-05T12:10:00.000-08:00

5 Ways to Safeguard Your Children During and After Divorce

Communication with our children is always important, but never as
essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce.
Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their
routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress
and anxiety they'll experience. This is the time to reassure your
children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the
family will be okay, Then, of course, take responsibility for doing
what needs to be done to assure their well-being.

Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive
during and after your divorce.

1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children's lives as is
feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors
provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in
the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible,
serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in
many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other
changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on
their emotional security.

2. Make spending time and attention with your children a priority.
With all the stress in your life it's easy to overlook your kid's
need for stability and security. The best source for that is you.
It's easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but
your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and
attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them.
Make sure you are generous with both!

3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with
their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing
questions from the outside, such as, "I don't know. My mom and dad
are working on that." Or "You'll have to ask my mom about that." Do
whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have
and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with
adult responsibilities or communication.

4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of
a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as
well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who
know what they are going through and can share feelings and
stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find
support groups, clubs or other gatherings.

5. Don't wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is
often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to
be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they
can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel "heard" by an
objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school
professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.

Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in
bed. So may your children. But they can't always express what they
are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in
protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep
the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can.
This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get
through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Communication with our children is always important, but never as
essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce.
Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their
routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress
and anxiety they'll experience. This is the time to reassure your
children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the
family will be okay, Then, of course, take responsibility for doing
what needs to be done to assure their well-being.

Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive
during and after your divorce.

1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children's lives as is
feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors
provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in
the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible,
serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in
many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other
changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on
their emotional security.

2, Make spending time and attention with your children a priority.
With all the stress in your life it's easy to overlook your kid's
need for stability and security. The best source for that is you.
It's easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but
your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and
attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them.
Make sure you are generous with both!

3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with
their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing
questions from the outside, such as, "I don't know. My mom and dad
are working on that." Or "You'll have to ask my mom about that." Do
whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have
and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with
adult responsibilities or communication.

4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of
a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as
well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who
know what they are going through and can share feelings and
stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find
support groups, clubs or other gatherings.

5. Don't wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is
often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to
be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they
can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel "heard" by an
objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school
professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.

Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in
bed. So may your children. But they can't always express what they
are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in
protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep
the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can.
This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get
through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Communication with our children is always important, but never as
essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce.
Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their
routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress
and anxiety they'll experience. This is the time to reassure your
children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the
family will be okay, Then, of course, take responsibility for doing
what needs to be done to assure their well-being.

Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive
during and after your divorce.

1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children's lives as is
feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors
provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in
the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible,
serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in
many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other
changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on
their emotional security.

2, Make spending time and attention with your children a priority.
With all the stress in your life it's easy to overlook your kid's
need for stability and security. The best source for that is you.
It's easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but
your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and
attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them.
Make sure you are generous with both!

3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with
their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing
questions from the outside, such as, "I don't know. My mom and dad
are working on that." Or "You'll have to ask my mom about that." Do
whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have
and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with
adult responsibilities or communication.

4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of
a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as
well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who
know what they are going through and can share feelings and
stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find
support groups, clubs or other gatherings.

5. Don't wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is
often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to
be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they
can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel "heard" by an
objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school
professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.

Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in
bed. So may your children. But they can't always express what they
are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in
protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep
the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can.
This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get
through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Child-Centered Divorce: Is there a "gift" in your divorce? Is there a "gift" in your divorce? Find it and you will flourish!

2010-12-30T10:41:00.000-08:00

Child-Centered Divorce: Is there a "gift" in your divorce?
Is there a "gift" in your divorce? Find it and you will flourish!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

When we are in the midst of life trauma it is very difficult to
experience anything but the pain, disappointment, hurt and anguish
related to that experience. That's only natural. But very often,
looking back in hindsight, we can find meaning, relevance, valuable
lessons and insights that were the direct result of those major
life challenges. Without that life-altering event we would not
become the successes we are today.

Many people look upon that result as the "gift" they received from
the experience - the wisdom they gleaned, the turning point they
needed to move on to a new chapter in their lives. They look back
and can say the lesson was tough, but they don't regret it in the
least.

I believe divorce can be looked upon as one of those "gifts" and
life lessons if we choose to look for the reward. What did you
learn as a result of this experience? Who are you today that you
would not have been had you not divorced? Do you see inner wisdom
or strength that makes you proud? Have you made decisions that are
more supportive of your life and values? Do you like yourself
better? Have you found new career directions or new meaning in life
as a direct result of your divorce?

If you can't yet answer yes to any of these questions, give
yourself time. Perhaps you have not fully moved through the inner
and outer transitions resulting from your divorce. Perhaps you are
still holding on to resentment, anger, jealousy or other negative
emotions that are keeping you from experiencing the freedom from
old programming and patterns.

I believe there is a gift in every tough experience in our lives -
if we choose to see it. And why shouldn't we put our energy in that
direction? What good does it do to hold on to a past that has
slipped away - or to people who are not giving us the love and
support we deserve? When we let go of the past, we open the door to
a new future - and only then can we empower ourselves to create
that future as a much better outcome for ourselves and those we love.

Shelley Stile is a professionally trained Life Coach
(http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=L30NJb5mNUZMxH&b=DV5U6GqGCUheWTql2nqIBQ) specializing in divorce issues.
She has written about this topic and her advice is worth sharing
with you:

"Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are
(warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has
survived divorce and has gone on to create a vibrant life based
upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you
that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That
may not be true for you but there is a gift waiting for you to
find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career
and to a certain extent he has played a part. Oftentimes it takes a
good whack on the head to awaken us to life's possibilities and our
own happiness.

It's the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true.
Search for the gifts of your divorce and it becomes yet another
step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of divorce.

Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower,
the work that has taken place underneath the surface of the ground,
invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that
subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the
flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root
system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you will
ultimately see the outer rewards."

Don't be afraid to go within and plant the seeds for the tomorrow
you dream about. With love, patience and gratitude I know your
garden will ultimately grow and flourish!

* * * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for
customizing a personal family storybook that guides children
through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more
information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine
visit http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9v06h&m=L30NJb5mNUZMxH&b=ph_0ZOqrnZDnB6znFwjg5Q.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

Child-Centered Divorce: 3 Big Lies Women Believe about Divorced Dads Three big lies women believe about divorced Dads.

2010-12-27T11:13:00.001-08:00

Child-Centered Divorce: 3 Big Lies Women Believe about Divorced Dads
Three big lies women believe about divorced Dads.
Do you know the truth?

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Many children grow up as adults and find they are duped into
believing negative things about one parent or another as a
consequence of a divorce. Our society, legal system and gender
biases all play a role in creating negative stereotypes connected
to divorced women and men. Men are especially liable to some
sweeping generalizations regarding post-divorce behaviors. Whether
they are based on anecdotal stories passed among family members,
popular movies or sensational celebrity headlines in recent years,
men are often portrayed as the aggressors and winners when it comes
to divorce. Here are some common mistruths that deserve clarity and
further exploration.

1. The husband usually initiates the divorce.

In today's culture women are finally free - both emotionally and
economically - to take the reigns and ask for a divorce. They may
feel unfulfilled or unappreciated in their marriage, emotionally or
physically abused, exploited or disrespected. They may discover
that their husband has been unfaithful - or they themselves may
have entered into sexual affairs as an outlet for frustration or a
variety of incompatibilities. Regardless of the cause, men are not
the exclusive initiators of divorce and should not bear the blame
as a gender. Often it is the husband who is the last to know that
his wife wants out.

2. Most divorced fathers do not make their child support payments.

While some fathers abuse their responsibilities in this regard -
and the courts are filled with such cases - the majority of
divorced Dads feel deeply concerned about the well-being of their
children and want to support their families in every possible way.
They also want to remain actively involved in their children's
lives. Like Moms, Dads love their children and are hurt if the
connections with them are cut off. This is especially painful if a
vindictive mother is trying to get back at Dad through the kids. In
these cases it's the children who are ultimately hurt the most.
Another related untruth is that most fathers are far better off
financially after a divorce. As in all things, it depends on the
parties and circumstances involved.

3. Only rarely does a mother try to keep the father from seeing his
children.

Unfortunately this is more common than most people believe. In
recent years the situation has been given a name and is finally
being recognized as an injustice to children of divorce. Parental
Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a problem initiated by both genders.
However, more women use this emotional and psychological weapon
against their former husbands because they can. What they don't
understand is that they are deeply wounding their children through
this alienation and ultimately, when the kids are grown, quite
often they are resentful at the parent that created the separation.
No good can come from this tactic for anyone in the family.
Regardless of how angry and upset you might be at your ex, do not
use the children as pawns or punishment to derive your own
satisfaction.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author How Do I Tell the Kids ... about
the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children
-- with Love! The new ebook provides expert advice that helps
parents create a unique personal family storybook with
fill-in-the-blank templates.

Wishing you much joy and happiness through the holidays and throughout the New Year ahead!

2010-12-22T10:42:00.001-08:00

Wishing you much joy and happiness
through the holidays and throughout
the New Year ahead!

Most sincerely,
Rosalind Sedacca
The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce

If you're facing the challenge of being alone in the days ahead I hope this message will be a source of hope and inspiration for reframing your perspectives.

Being Alone During the Holidays Can Be Tough For Divorced Parents

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

One of the saddest consequences of divorce for parents is the alone-time when your children are visiting their other parent. While short-term periods when the kids are away can be a welcome respite for an overscheduled single parent, for other parents the intervals between seeing the children can be long and lonely. The holiday season can be a particularly challenging time, especially when friends and neighbors are busy with their own family gatherings.

It's really important for parents who are alone during the winter holidays to get creative and absorbed in activities that you find personally fulfilling. This can also be an opportunity to reflect on meeting your own needs and finding friends and activities that bring joy into your life.

One of the greatest challenges for divorced parents is avoiding self-pity. Overwhelmed by a sense of isolation, or feeling undervalued as a parent, can often result in making poor choices when communicating with your children. It's not difficult to bury your hurt in comments designed to make your children feel guilty about not being with you, despite the fact that most times those decisions are not really within their control.

Turning toward your support group of friends can be really helpful when these feelings arise. Seeking out a counselor or divorce coach can also provide advice and new resources for creating alternative holiday traditions.

Here are some other ways you can stay in the lives of your children despite the distance between you.

• Create a Journal of holiday activities that you can later share with the kids. This might take the form of a travelogue of places you've explored, people you've visited, movies you saw and other activities participated in. You can even bring home a souvenir from each place as something to show and talk about with the kids on their next visit, such as paper restaurant menus, movie ticket stubs, tee shirts, colorful brochures, post-cards, hats, pens, etc.
• Send an email or text message "of the day" to the kids with a theme: such as the Staying Warm Tip of the Day, favorite Candy Bar of the Day, Sledding Tip of the Day, Favorite Frozen Yogurt Flavor of the Day - just to keep in touch.
• Join a toy or food distribution drive over the holidays to help needy children in your community so you feel valued while interacting with and bringing joy to other children
• Make plans to see the same movie as your kids on the same day and then schedule a call to discuss the movie together and share the experience in your own way

Be creative. Think out of the box in healthy ways and your children will appreciate you without guilt, sadness or shame. This is one of the greatest gifts any parent can give to their children - the gift of enjoying their childhood without the burden of parental divorce issues weighing them down.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca

Domestic Violence Dramatically Influences Children - Emotional Abuse, too!

2010-12-20T12:05:00.000-08:00

Domestic Violence Dramatically Influences Children - Emotional Abuse, too!
John Lindenberger, a reporter for the North Platte Telegraph in Nebraska, has a sad tale to tell.
It's based on a very sobering message: When children are exposed to domestic violence in the home, they often mimic the behavior they see.

In a nutshell, writes Lindenberger, "This means the boys often grow up to become abusers, and the girls grow up to marry them."

He quotes Jeanie Gilbert, executive director of the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program in North Platte who has been working with victims of domestic violence for 12 years. "Domestic violence is a learned behavior," says Gilbert. She explains that "children in these situations become desensitized to the violence, and they often begin to mimic their gender role at a young age." While this is not always the case, she said it is true the majority of the time.

This article was written as a result of a murder trial in the region. Lindenberger notes that the accused was characterized as a teenager locked into a cycle of abuse who saw her mother battered by two men and later became involved in an abusive relationship herself with a man.

The reporter notes that "in the 2003-04 fiscal year, nearly 2,400 children and youth came to Nebraska's network of domestic violence and sexual assault programs. More than 1,300 stayed in a shelter with their mothers to escape violence in the home." It is very likely that similar statistics are a reality in municipalities throughout the United States and other nations around the world.

According to Gilbert, when children witness domestic violence happening in their home, they experience a wide range of emotions, including fear. She said the children become afraid for their mother as well as themselves.

Lindenberger' article goes on to explain that "This fear can become crippling and leave a child with feelings of helplessness and despair." In addition, according to Gilbert, children often feel guilty and perhaps even responsible for the violence.

"Any child, even in divorce, will take on some of the responsibility," Gilbert added.

To avoid their feelings of helplessness, Gilbert said children will often retreat. She noted they sometimes try to hide when the violence occurs or listen to music so they don't have to listen to the fighting.

Children who live with domestic violence also have trouble in school, notes Gilbert. Although school feels like a safe place for these children, they become distracted as they worry about their mother.

Gilbert said domestic violence is not always physical. Verbal or emotional abuse in a relationship can be just as bad. In fact, victims often tell Gilbert that emotional abuse is worse than physical.

In order to break the cycle of domestic violence, children often need lots of counseling and exposure to positive role models. Gilbert said these children need to learn what a positive relationship looks like.

In some cases, children are able to break the cycle on their own when they become adults. However, most need some type of help. Gilbert notes that they can get that help through facilities like the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program of North Platte which offers a 24-hour crisis phone line, emergency shelter and support groups for women and children.

If you are in any way being affected by domestic violence or emotional abuse, don't hesitate to seek out help within your community. And be sure to make counseling available to your children, as well. The sooner you get a handle on this type of dysfunctional behavior within your family structure, the better for both you and your children. Help is out there. You can start by doing a community search on the Internet under the keywords, Domestic Violence or Domestic Abuse.

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008 All Rights Reserved

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Child-Centered Divorce: Significant Advice from Noted Attorney

2010-12-13T11:10:00.001-08:00

Child-Centered Divorce: Significant Advice from Noted Attorney
Significant Advice from Karen Covy, author of "When Happily Ever
After Ends: How to Survive Your Divorce- Emotionally, Financially
and Legally"

Think that hiring a high-profile divorce lawyer is the best way to
get through the process? Chicago author and family attorney Karen
Covy takes the global view about the necessary ingredients to get
you through your divorce with the least amount of damage, for now
and in the future:
· Karma (what goes around comes around);
· Taking responsibility for yourself and your divorce
· Control (controlling your own emotions and not trying to
control your spouse)
· Using common sense in a divorce proceeding: What is best for
the kids? (caring negotiating regarding the holidays and
visitation in a divorce situation).

Karen shares her advice with ...

Ten Things You Should Never Do in Your Divorce -- some of which may
surprise you!

1. Never put your children in the middle of your divorce. It is not
your children's job to relay messages to your spouse, drop off your
child support check, or deal with your spouse simply because you
don't want to do it yourself.

2. Never do anything that will harm your children's relationship
with your spouse. Children love their parents. Bad-mouthing your
spouse, treating your spouse badly in front of the children or
purposely doing things to screw up your spouse's time with the
children doesn't just hurt your spouse. It hurts your kids. Don't
do it.

3. Never purposely destroy your property or your spouse's property
during the divorce. You might think you will feel better if you
slice up your spouse' clothing, destroy your spouse's family
photos, or ruin whatever it is that your spouse holds dear, but you
won't feel nearly as good about it when the judge in your case
orders you to pay for the things you destroyed.

4. Never purposely do anything just to inflict pain on your spouse.
In the heat of the moment you might think that making your spouse
miserable will make you feel better. For a short time, maybe it
even will. But what goes around, comes around. If you do something
mean and terrible to your spouse, just to make your spouse
miserable, someday, somehow, it will come back to you.

5. Never cancel your spouse's health insurance. If your spouse gets
hit by a truck while you're still married, who do you think is
going to be responsible for paying the bill? (Hint: It's not going
to be your spouse.)

6. Never quit your job just so you don't have to pay child support,
or so that your spouse has to pay to support you. Again, it sounds
good in theory, but don't be surprised if a judge isn't sympathetic
to your situation and orders you to go back to work and to pay your
spouse what you should have been paying in child support all along,
or refuses to order your spouse to pay to support you when you are
perfectly capable of supporting yourself.

7. Never take your children and move out of state, vacation out of
the country, or simply run away with them, without telling your
spouse. If you know your spouse (or your ex-spouse) is going to
object to your moving to Alaska with the children, don't think that
you can do it anyway, and as long as your spouse doesn't stop you
in advance, you'll get away with it. The quickest way to lose
custody of your children is to deprive your spouse of time with them.

8. Never stalk your spouse, break into your ex's house, or tamper
with the mail. A crime is a crime. If you commit a crime, you are
going to jail. There is no such thing as a "not guilty by reason of
insanity due to a divorce" defense.

9. Never intentionally blow off a court order. Your spouse might be
willing to put up with your excuses, avoidance activities, and bad
behavior, but a judge won't be so forgiving. If the judge has
ordered you to do something: do it. If you don't like the judge's
order, talk to your lawyer about finding a way to change it. But,
whatever you do, don't just blow off the court order because you
don't agree with what it says.

10. Never be afraid to let your spouse take credit for what you've
done. If you are married to the kind of spouse who needs to be in
control -- someone who needs to be "right" or needs to be a big
shot, and you come up with a way to settle your case, but your
spouse won't buy it because its your idea, then let your spouse
think the settlement was his or her idea. As long as you've got a
settlement that works, one in which your needs, and your children's
needs are being met, who cares who created that settlement? What's
important is getting what you need. Getting credit for getting what
you need doesn't matter.

Karen A. Covy, J.D., received her law degree magna cum laude from
the University of Notre Dame Law School. Since opening her own
Chicago practice in 1995, Covy focuses on family law, including
divorce, custody and parenting. Covy dedicates herself -- and her
practice -- to helping hundreds survive divorce and walk away with
grace.
* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for
customizing a personal family storybook that guides children
through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free
articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free
ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Should Divorced Dads Get Equal Custody? Let the Battle Begin ...

2010-12-06T11:44:00.001-08:00

Should Divorced Dads Get Equal Custody? Let the Battle Begin ...
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

More than ever before, divorce is making news. Much of it is due to changing legislation in many nations and several states within the U.S. regarding issues such as custody. In the past five years there have also been major shifts in our perceptions about divorce and the emergence of new alternatives that can simplify and reduce the time and cost involved in divorce proceedings. Consequently society is talking more and caring more about divorce than ever before in history.

This, I believe, is very good because with discussion comes awareness of the many complex challenges that surround divorce. This includes the many weaknesses and inequities in our divorce-related legal systems and the long-term consequences of poor decision-making as couples attempt to transition through the divorce maze.
Parade Magazine, a large publication that comes with Sunday newspaper supplements in many large cities around the U.S., sponsored a national poll. The question they asked was this: Should divorced dads get equal custody?

63% of their responses were YES and 37% were NO. Here are some quotes reflective of the responses.

On the YES side were comments such as "Just as women should get equal pay, dads should get equal custody. The 14th Amendment requires that people be treated equally, regardless of sex." Another YES response was "Children are more likely to thrive if they have access to both parents."

On the NO side was this comment, "It's too stressful for kids to be split between two homes. They need a constant, stable environment." Another NO quote said, "Each parent should maintain the role he or she had before the divorce. Usually, that means more time with Mom."

I wish there was a simple YES or NO answer to this question, but in my opinion, there isn't. Every family and every situation is unique. Trying to make such an enormously complicated issue as custody into a black and white/right or wrong answer is absurd. Now is the time to heighten our awareness about the enormous emotional and psychological effects of all custody decisions upon our children - not come up with simplistic one-size-fits-all legislation.

It's impossible to compare two families with different numbers of children of different ages and sexes living in different parts of any nation. Then add to the mix parents with different levels of emotional and educational involvement with their children, differing cultural and spiritual philosophies, and different levels of career commitment, financial security and child-care support. What you get is infinite diversity with no two families ever being quite the same.

Should divorced dads get equal custody of their children? Absolutely YES - when the right conditions are in place for the best interest of those children. And definitely NO - when the well-being of the children and their future is at risk. Who should decide? Sincere, loving parents along with the most caring, compassionate professionals they can access. These professionals must understand divorce dynamics to help create the best possible outcome for every one in the family - but especially the kids!

I always suggest divorce mediators as an excellent resource. Therapists who specialize in divorce and family counseling can also be very effective in contributing to your divorce team. Experienced Certified Divorce Coaches can offer valuable insights. Divorce Financial Analysts may also play an integral part in your peaceful resolution. Collaborative divorce attorneys who are comfortable working with these professionals can keep you on track for the purpose of creating a positive win-win resolution.

Take your parenting responsibility seriously! If you let your heart and head, but not your ego, lead you in making these crucial decisions you will honor your children and give them the best possible future in the years and decades to come. That is what I wish for every child touched by divorce!

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

Being Alone During the Holidays Can Be Tough For Divorced Parents

2010-12-03T14:30:00.001-08:00

Being Alone During the Holidays Can Be Tough For Divorced Parents

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

One of the saddest consequences of divorce for parents is the alone-time when your children are visiting their other parent. While short-term periods when the kids are away can be a welcome respite for an over-scheduled single parent, for other parents the intervals between seeing the children can be long and lonely. The holiday season can be a particularly challenging time, especially when friends and neighbors are busy with their own family gatherings.

It's really important for parents who are alone during the winter holidays to get creative and absorbed in activities that you find personally fulfilling. This can also be an opportunity to reflect on meeting your own needs and finding friends and activities that bring joy into your life.

One of the greatest challenges for divorced parents is avoiding self-pity. Overwhelmed by a sense of isolation, or feeling undervalued as a parent, can often result in making poor choices when communicating with your children. It's not difficult to bury your hurt in comments designed to make your children feel guilty about not being with you, despite the fact that most times those decisions are not really within their control.

Turning toward your support group of friends can be really helpful when these feelings arise. Seeking out a counselor or divorce coach can also provide advice and new resources for creating alternative holiday traditions.

Here are some other ways you can stay in the lives of your children despite the distance between you.

• Create a Journal of holiday activities that you can later share with the kids. This might take the form of a travelogue of places you've explored, people you've visited, movies you saw and other activities participated in. You can even bring home a souvenir from each place as something to show and talk about with the kids on their next visit, such as paper restaurant menus, movie ticket stubs, tee shirts, colorful brochures, post-cards, hats, pens, etc.
• Send an email or text message "of the day" to the kids with a theme: such as the Staying Warm Tip of the Day, favorite Candy Bar of the Day, Sledding Tip of the Day, Favorite Frozen Yogurt Flavor of the Day - just to keep in touch.
• Join a toy or food distribution drive over the holidays to help needy children in your community so you feel valued while interacting with and bringing joy to other children
• Make plans to see the same movie as your kids on the same day and then schedule a call to discuss the movie together and share the experience in your own way

Be creative. Think out of the box in healthy ways and your children will appreciate you without guilt, sadness or shame. This is one of the greatest gifts any parent can give to their children - the gift of enjoying their childhood without the burden of parental divorce issues weighing them down.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca

Child-Centered Divorce: Bashing Your Ex is Bad News

2010-11-29T15:05:00.000-08:00

Child-Centered Divorce: Bashing Your Ex is Bad News
Bashing Your Ex is Bad News for Your Children

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

We all do it from time to time. Make a sarcastic comment about our
ex, criticize something they did or didn't do, gesture or grimace
our faces when referring to our former spouse. When we do it in
front of, near or within hearing distance of our children, we set
ourselves up for a hornet's nest of problems.

We have all heard this, but it's easy to forget or let slide. It
hurts our children when they hear one of their parents put down the
other. This is so even if your child does not say anything about
it. With rare exceptions, children innately feel they are part of
both parents. They love them both even when that love isn't
returned to them in the same way.

When you put down their other parent your children are likely to
interpret it as a put-down of part of them. When both parents are
guilty of this behavior, it can create a sense of unworthiness and
low self-esteem. "Something's wrong with me" becomes the child's
unconscious belief.

I know it's challenging some times not to criticize your ex,
especially when you feel totally justified in doing so. Find a
friend or therapist to vent to. Don't do it around your children.
And, whenever possible, find some good things to say about their
other parent - or hold your tongue.

The lesson here is simple. Destructive comments about your ex can
impact your children in many negative ways. It creates anxiety and
insecurity. It raises their level of fear. It makes them question
how much they can trust you and your opinions - or trust
themselves. And it adds a level of unhappiness into their lives
that they do not need ... or deserve!

When you have a problem with your ex, take it directly to them -
and not to or through the children. Don't exploit a difficult
relationship, or difference of opinion with your ex, by
editorializing about him or her to the kids. It's easy to slip -
especially when your frustration level is mounting.
Listen to and monitor your comments to the children about their
other parent.

· Are you hearing yourself say: "Sounds like you picked that up
from your Dad/Mom."
· Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it
with "just like your father/mother."
· Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you
know making sure the kids get the negative judgment?
· Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your
ex with, "Yeah, but ..." and finish it with a downer?
· Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting
the other parent or liking something in their home?
· Do you throw around biting statements like "If Mom/Dad really
loved you ..."
· Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a
disagreement by saying "If you don't like it here, then go live
with your Mom/Dad?

It's easy to fall into these behavior patterns - and they can
effectively manipulate your children's behavior - for the
short-term. But in the long run you will be slowly eroding your
personal relationship with the children you love and alienating
their affection. This will bite you back in the years to come,
especially as your children move into and through their teens.

As a parent you want to raise children with a healthy sense of
self-worth. You want children who are trusting and trust-worthy ,,,
who are open to creating loving relationships in their lives. It's
not divorce per se that emotionally scars children. It's how you,
as a parent, model your behavior before, during and after your
divorce. If you model maturity, dignity and integrity whenever
challenges occur, that's what your children will see and the path
they will take in their own relationships. You can't make life
choices for them, but you sure can influence their choices and
perceptions about the world when they are young and vulnerable!

Minding your tongue around your children can be one of the most
difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. It is also one of
the behaviors that will reap the greatest rewards in the well-being
of your family. Don't let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate
remarks affect and harm your children. Keep a "conscious" diligence
on your commentary and your ex is more likely to follow suit, as
well. If he or she doesn't, your kids will naturally pick up on the
different energy and gravitate toward the parent taking the high
road. Ultimately that parent will win their respect and admiration.
Shouldn't that be you?

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and
author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the
Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children --
with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on
child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to:
www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

8095 Popash Court, Boynton Beach, FL 33437, USA

10 Simple Communication Strategies for Divorced Parents

2010-11-22T11:29:00.001-08:00

10 Simple Communication Strategies for Divorced Parents
by Cindy Harari, Esq.
Cindy Harari, Esq. is my guest contributor this week. She offers valuable information about communicating with your ex that is effective and promotes healthy parenting relationships. My thanks for Cindy for her excellent advice. Rosalind Sedacca
One of many challenges faced by divorced parents is the dilemma of communicating with their child's other parent. Although the parents have decided to divorce and end their "personal" relationship, when children are involved, the dissolution of a marriage mirrors the end of a business relationship where the business partners (the parents) have produced a product or asset (the children) that remains after the termination of the business.
Even though the parents no longer wish to continue to "work together," they share the desire for their children (the priceless marital asset) to grow and thrive. Among other things, the success of the children requires divorced parents to communicate with each other about child-focused issues. So how do divorced parents communicate effectively about their children when they are angry or upset or would simply rather not speak with their child's other parent ever again? Read on...
1. Whenever possible, communicate in writing. Writing gives you the opportunity to clarify your thoughts and express yourself clearly. Also, in the event of a misunderstanding, everyone can go back and look at what is written. E-mails and faxes have the advantage of having a date and time embedded as well.
2. Stick to child-focused issues and keep your communication informative, not emotional.
3. Keep your communication clear. Use bullet points or numbers rather than paragraphs.
4. If an item requires a response, indicate when the response is necessary. Also state what action will be taken in the event the other parent does not respond. For example: Our son's class trip is on (date) and the cost is ($X). The permission slip is due on (date). Please let me know by (date) if this is OK with you. If I don't hear from you, I will sign the permission slip and you and I will split the cost.
5. Do not use your communication as an opportunity to re-hash your feelings about the subjects you are writing about. Remember - this is business communication about your children.
6. Divide your writing into sections such as "old business," "new business" and "FYI."
7. Respond to communication from your child's other parent as you would like to have them respond to you. Be prompt and businesslike.
8. Use e-mail (and all written communication) courteously. Do not write entirely in capital letters. Do not use boldface type. Do not use extremely large type. Do not use exclamation points. Stay away from sarcasm. No name-calling or bad language at any time.
9. Take the initiative so neither parent becomes the "communication liaison." Children's schools, day care providers, extracurricular activity providers, etc. should have contact information for both parents. Each parent should receive notices from these sources. If that is not happening, the parent who is not receiving the information can provide their contact information and get on the distribution list.
10. Look into online programs such as OurFamilyWizard and ShareKids for calendaring and communication. These programs are designed especially for divorced parents.
There is a time and a place for your emotional release regarding your divorce, but, at the same time, there is a need to conduct the business of raising your children with someone you would probably rather not talk to. So how do you find the strength to "take the high road" time after time and communicate calmly and effectively with your child's other parent?
Always remember that your child's wellbeing depends on what you do and how you do it. It takes work to compartmentalize your emotions and put the needs of your children first, but you can do it. You are not alone - there are many resources available for to help you grow through the divorce. Successful communication strategies are a great addition to your post-divorce parenting toolkit.
********************************************************
Cindy Harari, Esq. is an attorney, trained parenting coordinator, mediator, and arbitrator. Her professional training combined with years of practical experience gives Ms. Harari a unique perspective and distinctive insight regarding issues of divorce and parenting. For additional information, please visit www.solutionsnottalk.com. © 2008. Cindy Harari. All Rights Reserved.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Dads and Step-Dads: Keeping it all in Perspective

2010-11-16T10:50:00.001-08:00

Dads and Step-Dads: Keeping it all in Perspective
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Being a divorced Dad can be one of the most frustrating experiences any parent will ever face. For many it seems like a can't-win situation. You find that you're constantly trying to prove yourself - to your ex, to the children, and often to a Step-Dad who has moved into the picture.
If Mom has custody of the children, it's more than likely that your children are seeing more of step-Dad than you. That can feel very disempowering and bring up all sorts of issues - not to mention jealousy. While it's understandable for any Dad to feel that way, it is also wise to get a handle on that jealousy ... for the sake of your children.
Think about it this way. When it comes to those children, both you and Step-Dad share a common interest, their well-being. For that reason finding a way to get along with Step-Dad, and show him some respect for his efforts on their behalf, can positively impact everyone in the family dynamic, especially your children. They don't want to see you angry, fighting, or putting down Mom or Step-Dad. The emotional upheaval this creates for your children complicates their lives, filling them with guilt, confusion and a lack of confidence when it comes to trusting new relationships..
Tom Wohlmut, President of Stepfamily Network, says "Men tend to be very competitive and territorial. But, when they're parenting the same child, they need to think about being on the same football team, not opposing teams." A supportive father will therefore help his children to not feel guilty for liking or supporting Step-Dad as he interacts in their lives.
In fact, says Wohlmut, you might want to ask yourself, "What is the one thing I can do to acknowledge the male father figure? Children need to understand there is only one Dad and one Mom and that will never, ever change. But, that doesn't mean the other male in their life doesn't have good qualities they can benefit from."
This, of course, is equally relevant if a new Step-Mom enters the picture on your side. The goal is to do whatever you can to keep your children from feeling conflicted or disloyal if they get along with their Step-Parents and find many of their qualities or areas of expertise to be appealing.
Children have a huge capacity to love as well as to learn from many influences in their lives. Don't force them to depend exclusively on you, especially if you're needing it as an ego boost. The real challenge is to continue to build, keep and maintain your relationship with your children - despite time intervals and distance - because of your love for them. You are fortunate when Step-Dad is a complementary figure in their lives who sincerely cares for them and strives to do his best.
No one ever said being a divorced Dad was easy. There are no guarantees regarding who a new Step-Dad will be either. But when you keep your perspective clearly focused on your children's emotional and psychological well-being, you'll be steered in the right direction for yourself and your children. And that's what it's all about, isn't it?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Tag Team Parenting Post-Divorce Tag Team Parenting

2010-11-08T11:45:00.001-08:00

Child-Centered Divorce: Tag Team Parenting Post-Divorce
Tag Team Parenting
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Works - Even Post Divorce

Guest author Mark Goulston

Children get mannerisms and attitudes from both parents but develop their inner calm and feeling of well being from how much their parents like, trust and respect each other.

Increasing research shows that a significant part of a child's mind and personality is influenced not by how their parents react to the child, but by how their parents respond to each other.

What becomes frustrating and at times demoralizing to children is not so much that mothers and fathers disagree or argue (as they inevitably will), but that parents continue to argue over the same things and never definitively resolve them once and for all.

When
children
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observe parents arguing without resolution they see emotion and reason locked in a "zero sum" fight instead of cooperating with each other. When they then internalize into their personality that emotion and reason cannot work together, their inner sense of calm and well-being is replaced by restlessness. It is as if at any moment their own emotion and reason are on the brink of doing battle in their mind reminiscent of what they observe between their parents. And this destroys inner calm and well being.

As the lack of cooperation between the emotion and reason in their observed world can create chaos in their life, the lack of cooperation between emotion and reason in their own mind can create flaws in their developing personalities.

The best example of how emotion and reason can work together between a mother and father utilizes "tag team parenting." This is when one parent being better at logical problem solving tells the child to go to the other for comforting if that is what the child seems to need. And conversely when the other parent who is better at emotional comforting tells the child to go speak to the other for help with solving a problem if what the child needs more is good advice.
* * *

Dr. Mark Goulston
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is a former UCLA professor who is frequently called upon to share his expertise with regard to contemporary business, national and world news by television, radio and print media including: Wall Street Journal,
Harvard Business Review
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, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox/CNN/BBC News, Oprah, and Today. Mark Goulston is the author of
The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship,
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Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior,
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and
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Children of Divorce Embrace the Abuse They See

2010-11-01T11:50:00.000-07:00

Children of Divorce Embrace the Abuse They See
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I came across an article by John Llindenberger, a reporter at the Nebraska newspaper, The North Platte Telegraph. The article refers to a local murder trial in which a teenage girl was locked into a cycle of abuse. She saw her mother battered by two men and later became involved in an abusive relationship with a teenage boy.
The following is Llindenberger's report, based on an interview with an expert in Domestic Abuse. While it's painful to read about this subject, keep it in mind as you think about what your own children see modeled in their lives - and how it will ultimately affect them. Feel free to pass this along to friends and family who may need a wake-up call.
When children are exposed to domestic violence in the home, they often mimic the behavior they see.
This means the boys often grow up to become abusers, and the girls grow up to marry them.

"Domestic violence is a learned behavior," said Jeanie Gilbert, who is executive director of the Rape and Domestic Abuse Program in North Platte, Nebraska. She has been working with victims of domestic violence for twelve years.

Gilbert said children in these situations become desensitized to the violence, and they often begin to mimic their gender role at a young age. While this is not always the case, she said it is true the majority of the time.

In the 2003-04 fiscal year, nearly 2,400 children and youth came to Nebraska's network of domestic violence and sexual assault programs. More than 1,300 stayed in a shelter with their mothers to escape violence in the home.

According to Gilbert, when children witness domestic violence happening in their home, they experience a wide range of emotions, including fear. She said the children become afraid for their mother as well as themselves.

This fear can become crippling and leave a child with feelings of helplessness and despair. In addition, Gilbert said children often feel guilty and perhaps even responsible for the violence.

"Any child, even in divorce, will take on some of the responsibility," she added.

To avoid their feelings of helplessness, Gilbert said children will often retreat. She noted they sometimes try to hide when the violence occurs or listen to music so they don't have to listen to the fighting.

Children who live with domestic violence also have trouble in school, according to Gilbert. Although school feels like a safe place for these children, they become distracted as they worry about their mother.

Gilbert said domestic violence is not always physical. Verbal or emotional abuse in a relationship can be just as bad. In fact, victims often tell Gilbert that emotional abuse is worse than physical.

In order to break the cycle of domestic violence, children often need lots of counseling and exposure to positive role models. Gilbert said these children need to learn what a positive relationship looks like.

In some cases, children are able to break the cycle on their own when they become adults. However, most need some type of help. They can get that help through classes and support groups offered at the Rape and Domestic Abuse Programs in their community.

If you are experiencing behavior problems with your children, or they are withdrawing emotionally from you, seek out help immediately. The sooner you take action to get the support of a parenting or mental health expert, the faster you can resolve the situation in a positive and mutually beneficial manner.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Family Photos Essential for Children of Divorce

2010-10-25T11:09:00.001-07:00

Family Photos Essential for Children of Divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

I read a poignant comment on a blog recently written by a married mother of three. She was a child of divorce whose father moved out of the home when she was four. She talks about having very few pictures of herself as a child and only one of her mother and father together. Her grandfather found and gave her the photo just a few years ago. She framed it and has proudly displayed it in her home for her own children to see.
She explains how special that one photo of her with Mom and Dad is to her. It shows a little girl sitting happily on a lawn with her "real" family - before the divorce.
This woman grieves that she has no other photographs of her father and so few pictures of her childhood. She assumes that her mother hid or destroyed all other photos, "possibly to protect my stepparents' feelings" as she moved on into other chapters in her life.
She goes on to send a message to all divorced parents who are transitioning into blended families. She stresses the importance of keeping previous family photographs to give to your children at the appropriate time - and not throwing them away. She implores people who are marrying men or women with children to "be the grownup" and acknowledge that children of divorce have other relationships that are meaningful and important to them.
Having pictures, gifts and other reminders of the non-custodial parent is very important to your children. We must never forget the connection and allegiance children innately feel toward both of their parents. When one parent is dismissed, put down or disrespected by the other parent, a part of your child is hurt as a result. They also feel that a part of themselves is flawed which creates much internal confusion.
Allow your children to keep their connection with their other parent - and with their past, unless they choose otherwise. If you're a step-parent, don't try to replace the birth Mom or Dad. There is room in a child's heart to embrace and love you, as well, if you earn their trust and respect. You can't demand or force it.
The woman's blog post ends by asking us to imagine how we would feel if someone came into our family and discarded all the photos of Mom and Dad together. If we could just put ourselves into our children's shoes on a regular basis we would avoid so many errors in parenting, and so many psychological scars.
This woman speaks for millions of children of divorce and her message needs to be heard. It's also another validation for the concept of creating a family storybook when telling your children about the divorce. Showing the kids photos of the family together, during happier times in the past, reminds them that life moves in cycles and there will be good times ahead. It also shows them that they came from love and that love still exists for them - even if Mom and Dad are no longer living together.
My new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! provides fill-in-the-blank templates. This guides parents in creating a valuable storybook with family photos and history as a great resource tool that puts them in the right mind-set to break-the-news and move ahead with decisions in the best interest of their children. Even if you're long past the actual divorce, looking through family photo albums can spark conversation and sincere communication between you and your children.
Yes, it might bring up some tears and sadness, but talking about those feelings can be healing for everyone. You can also start new photo albums sharing happy times in the present so you can look back upon this chapter in your lives with smiles in the months and years to come. Isn't this what you want for your family?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.